


Life is a series of first times that I can't wait to share with you

by ShinMeiko



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli, Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Times, M/M, POV Bram Greenfeld, POV Simon, Post-Canon, What Comes Next
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2020-02-27 10:48:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 197,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18737509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko
Summary: The story of Bram and Simon after the book ends, told through all their first times.





	1. The first time they went on a date

**Author's Note:**

> Because all first times are different, the ratings are also going to be different in every chapter. I'll leave a note before each chapter to let you know.
> 
> Rating for this chapter: 'T'
> 
> The POV will also vary. It will be specified at the beginning of each chapter.

**Bram**

It was his idea. He asked Simon to a movie. He insisted, even. And the two of them are boyfriends now. It’s not like he has to seduce Simon during this date. He really shouldn’t be this nervous. But he can’t help it. It’s their first date. Hell, it’s _his_ first date. He wants it to be perfect and magical.

Bram takes care of himself. But it’s more because he is healthy and organised than because he wants to look good. Today however, he wants to look his best, and he just doesn’t quite know how. He doesn’t even know what Simon likes. Well… he likes Cal Price’s bangs, but that’s not really a viable option for now. Or ever, really.

Bram grabs his phone and texts Garrett. Garrett’s been on dates before, and he is always super quick to answer to texts.

He’s also been happier than Bram about the whole ‘getting a boyfriend’ situation. Which is both weird and endearing.

 

_Man, I’m freaking out._

_It’s already Saturday afternoon and you still have some homework to do?_

_Date with Simon._

_Need the sex talk?_

_Shut up._

_What do I wear?_

_When did you turn into a 13 years old girl?_

_When did you decide that being helpful was overrated?_

_Fine._

_The jeans you wore at Troy’s party._

_The t-shirt we bought before the holidays._

_The jacket you got for your birthday._

_Oh, and condoms in the inside pocket_ _😉_

_Thanks for items 1 to 3. F off for item 4._

_Don’t blame me when Spier is too sexy and you can’t do anything about it because you’re unprepared._

_Don’t blame me when I stop acknowledging your texts_

_When you type things like that, a fairy dies somewhere._

 

The texts are obnoxious, but they still make Bram smile. Because he can see through Garrett’s façade and see the support there.

Coming out to Garrett had been a gamble, really. On one hand, Bram knew that loyalty and kindness are probably the words that define Garrett the best. On the other hand, Garrett was also a jock with a douche front. Bram had been afraid to come out to his parents, but he knew that even if they might not be fine with it, they would still love him. Garrett however wasn’t family, and he could walk away from him.

But Garrett didn’t walk away. He’s still there, and he’s more supportive than ever.

Bram hops in the shower and gets dressed exactly as Garrett suggested. He takes a look in the mirror and he doesn’t know what to think.

Bram knows that Simon is attracted to him. He could feel it the last time they kissed in his bed. Like… he could _feel_ it, but he could also feel _it_ …

It’s just… it still surprises him. That Simon would be fine with Blue being him, not be disappointed, that he would want to be boyfriends even after he didn’t reach out when he was outed, that he seems to think that Bram is not only enough, but wonderful. There are still moments when he thinks it might be a dream and he will wake up in the closet without Simon.

Only if that happens, he won’t wait, this time. He would go and get the boy straight away.

“How long have you been staring at yourself?” his mother asks in the door-frame, making him jump. “Don’t you know what happened to that god who looked at his reflection too much?”

“Narcissus. He drowned. And he wasn’t a god.”

His mother smiles. “Why the contemplation?”

“Do I look alright?”

His mother frowns, but her eyes go a little soft. “Of course you do. Where does this come from?”

“I’m going to meet Simon,” Bram admits, blushing a little.

“I don’t know how to break this to you, honey, but he already knows what you look like.”

Bram rolls his eyes at her. Something he only dares to do when she is joking, never when she is serious. The woman is _terrifying_ when she gets mad and he knows better than to give her attitude.

“It’s our first date.”

“What do you mean? Wasn’t the fair your first date?”

Bram shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t… it wasn’t a date.”

Bram remembers vividly receiving Simon’s email, reading it with his heart pounding, and looking at the clock. He didn’t have time to change or worry about clothes then. He was so sure that he would miss it as it was.

This time is different. He has to leave in an hour, and Bram doesn’t know how to keep his mind busy in the meantime. He can’t focus on anything. The only thing he can do is be nervous and spiral.

“I see,” his mother says. “Come with me.”

Bram follows her to the kitchen where she starts making hot chocolate. Since he was little, it has been the thing she does when he is upset. He doesn’t really know if it’s the drink or the tradition that comforts him, but it does. Every single time.

“First date, uh? Who asked the other?”

“I did.”

“That’s my boy! And where are you going? You said ‘in town’. That’s not very specific.”

“We’re going to go see a movie.”

“Which one?”

“We haven’t decided, but I think a love story.”

“Since when are you a romantic?”

“Since Simon.”

Bram knows it’s a corny and cliché answer, and for a minute he is so sure that his mother is going to make fun of him. But she doesn’t. She gave him the drink and she pours one for herself. She sits in front of him, and there is a dreamy smile on her face.

“I’m happy for you,” she says. “When you came out to me, I had this fear in my heart. That it would be harder for you to live the experiences other teenagers can have. Because there are fewer homosexual boys than heterosexual girls, and because the ones that are might not have admitted it to themselves or to the world, yet. I was afraid… it would be lonely, you know? But then, I got even more afraid that because of it, you would jump on the first relationship you could find, even if… you didn’t particularly like the boy, or if he wasn’t age appropriate… And I will admit to you that because of all of that, I wasn’t especially happy when you told me you had a boyfriend. I know you’re a smart kid, but… teenage brain, teenage heart and teenage hormones make the smartest people make stupid decisions. But I also see your face when you talk about him. I’m not afraid anymore.”

Bram can’t really remember the last time his mother opened up and talked about her feelings. When he came out to her, he was very aware that it might pull them apart; he never thought that it might actually bring them closer.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she says after taking a sip, “I will still judge the boy for myself when I meet him. But I don’t believe you would make rushed choices anymore. I am so happy that you found someone that makes you happy so quickly.”

“Me too,” Bram whispers. He, who is usually so good with words, doesn’t know how to put them on his relationship with Simon yet.

But then her facial expression changes and Bram wishes it hadn’t. because he knows that face. He’s seen it once. He kind of hoped then that it would be the one and only time she would do this.

“But since you and Simon are dating, I think we need to talk about being safe again.”

“Mom, please, no!”

“Trust me, I don’t enjoy this talk either, but we need to have it.”

“We don’t. We really don’t. Every time including oral. I remember.”

“Bram… it’s different having the talk because it might happen down the line, and having the talk because you have a boyfriend. You told me once that you weren’t sexually active, but…”

“But nothing. Mom, please. I’m not saying that I don’t want to have the talk – even though I really don’t – I’m saying that I don’t want to have that conversation now. I’m about to go on my first date with Simon… I don’t want to have _that talk_ in my head the entire time. And it’s a first date. In a public place. There won’t be any sex. Oral or otherwise.”

Bram doesn’t really remember having ever been more uncomfortable in his entire life. He would rather still be nicknamed dinosucker.

“Fine. But there is the other big question.”

“Which is what?” Bram asks, scared.

“When am I going to meet the boy?”

Bram lets out the breath he was holding and smiles. “Soon. I swear.” He glances at the clock. “I have to go, now.”

“Of course you do. I raised you better than being late on your first date. Have fun.”

 

Being with Simon feels right and easy. Comfortable. Maybe it’s from the emailing, but Bram always feels better and more relaxed when Simon is around.

For some reason however, that magic doesn’t work today.

Simon had lunch with Leah somewhere near the cinema, so they decided to meet there directly. When they get together, Bram is nervous, and things feel awkward for some reason. Simon is as cute as ever – maybe more – and they chose the movie – a love story, what a surprise – quickly as if they were on the same page. Bram pays for the tickets, so Simon insists on buying the snacks. It doesn’t feels forced, it feels like they’ve done it a thousand times. So Bram doesn’t understand why something feels off.

And suddenly it clicks. There is a distance between them that’s larger than usual. They’ve spent time together before, but never in public. The only times they have touched in public were in a deserted fair and in a darkened school auditorium. Never in daylight, out in the open. As a result, it feels more like an afternoon out between friends like a date.

Bram knows he _could_ touch Simon. It’s not like it’s forbidden, it’s just… Georgia. But Bram also refuses to let society push him back in the closet. He has to find a balance with Simon that lets them be discreet without feeling like he could be hanging out with Garrett.

Bram stands a bit closer to Simon in line and lets his hand brush against Simon’s. Simon is still staring at the screen announcing when the room will be open, but Bram can see him smile. Simon shifts to move further into Bram’s space and brushes Bram’s fingers back. They’re not holding hands. They’re just… letting them touch. But here, in his open public space, it feels like the world.

 

The movie is definitely not the best Bram has ever seen. It doesn’t matter. First because it’s going to be one of his favorites now regardless of its quality. And second because he can’t really focus anyway. He’s extremely aware of Simon’s proximity, and whenever he moves and they brush or touch, that point of contact fills his entire mind.

Within twenty minutes, he can’t take it anymore, and he puts his hand on Simon’s thigh. The other boy laces his finger through Bram’s.

From that moment, it’s like Simon turns into a magnet and, ever so slowly, Bram keeps getting closer. Halfway through the movie, they just leaning against one another.

Somewhere on their right, a couple starts kissing. Before long, they are having an almost indecent make out session. Bram knows that he couldn’t do that with Simon without people staring, commenting, or even maybe complaining. But it doesn’t bother him. Even if he were allowed to, he doesn’t think he would want to. He is however annoyed at the couple because obvious PDAs, from anyone, always make him slightly uncomfortable.

Soon enough, the couple leaves the room and Bram refuses to think about it.

The movie is nearly over. The couple find their way to one another, nothing stands in the way of their love and they have a passionate kiss on the screen. Simon leans in and whispers in Bram’s hear. “I told you. I don’t see the point of watching other people kissing when I could be kissing you.”

Bram feels a smile spread on his face. He dares a quick, light, soft kiss on Simon’s lips.

“Mm,” Simon replies. “You will have to do better later.” Bram squeezes Simon’s fingers as a promise.

 

When they leave the cinema, it’s already getting darker. They didn’t make plan for after the movie, but Bram knows that he’s not ready for the date to end. He wants more time with Simon. Have an actual conversation with him. He is about to ask Simon if he wants to go get coffee when the other boy asks “Hey… do you want to go somewhere?”

“Sure!” Bram laughs. “I was actually thinking coffee.”

“I was actually thinking something else,” Simon says.

“Like what?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Bram didn’t expect that. But he is so happy. It is proof that Simon, no matter how many times he said he didn’t like movies and just wanted to find a place they could do more kissing, was looking forward to today.

“Sounds great. Lead the way.”

Simon smiles, like he doubted that Bram would go for it, and Bram has this urge to kiss him. But there are a lot of people around, and Simon already started walking. The moment feels a little off.

 

Simon takes Bram to the most adorable second hand bookshop he’s ever seen. Bram doesn’t know why Simon took him here, but he loves it already.

“So, I’ve actually found this idea online,” Simon explains, “and it made me think of you straight away.”

Bram feels giddy. He literally can’t wait to know where Simon is going with this.

“We have ten minutes to look around the shop. We chose a book that would be perfect for us, not for the other one. Like if you find your favorite book, you take it. Then we buy it and we exchange it.”

Bram feels this rush of love for Simon run through his body. He quickly looks around. The bookseller is busy putting some books away and the other people there are a couple turning their back on them and a girl with blue hair and tattoos reading a book. No one is paying attention to them.

So Bram grabs Simon’s wrist, pulls him in, and kisses him. It’s a short kiss, but it’s a real kiss, with tongue and hand on the face.

When he pulls back, he can see a warm happy smile on Simon’s face. A bit of pride too, maybe.

“You will still have to do better later,” he teases. “Okay. Ten minutes. Ready?”

“Ready!”

Bram starts scanning the books. This place has a really interesting stock, and he makes a mental note to come back later.

He absolutely adores Simon’s idea, but he also finds it very difficult. It doesn’t feel like choosing one book, it feels letting go of all the ones he doesn’t choose. Then he stops in front of a book that he has never read before, even though it’s a classic. He was always put off by the name of the author, even though he knows it’s a silly reason.

Right now, however, Bram feels leaving behind all the unreasonable things like this. Reading this book seems like a good start. If Simon lends it to him, that is. Plus, this version’s cover is really cool.

When goes to pay for the book, Simon is already waiting outside.

“So,” he says as he steps outside. “What do you have for me, Spier?”

Simon smiles and hands Bram a used copy of the first Harry Potter. Of course.

“You are giving me a reminder of one of your sexual triggers?” Bram teases.

“No. I’m giving you a copy of my favorite book,” Simon replies.

“That’s sweet, and so you, but I already have a copy of Harry Potter.”

“First: rude. Your parents never told you to never complain about a gift? And second, there is a twist. Look at the cover.”

“Harry Potter and the philosopher’s stone,” Bram reads at loud.

“It’s the UK version,” Simon explains. “Apparently, some words and spellings are different. I don’t know, I’ve never read that version. But I thought it might talk to your grammatical side.”

“It does, actually. And I was just teasing you. I love it. It’s so you! I’ll happily own twenty versions of the book if they all come from you.”

Simon smiles and takes the book that Bram is now handing him. Simon’s eyes widen in surprise. “Dracula is your favorite book?”

“Nope. Never read it.”

“Then why did you choose it?” Bram loves how Simon sounds way more interested than confused. It is an odd choice, but he really wants to know why Bram made it.

“It’s on my bucket list. I think it’s one of my dad’s favorite and one of the reasons why he named me Bram, and that always scared me for some reason.”

“You dad named you after a character from Dracula?”

Oh, that boy… even with the cover in front of him… Is there a more oblivious human being on the planet? Like, at this point, how is he still alive? By paying so little attention, he should have been hit by a car at least a million times.

“No, Mister I-Don’t-Know-A-Thing-About-Irish-Literature, my dad partially named me because of Abraham ‘Bram’ Stoker.”

“Oh… right.” Simon blushes and looks a little embarrassed. “I actually knew that.”

“I should hope so, Mr Wise mentioned him. But I get it. Sometimes, I’m distracted in English too.”

Simon blushes even more, for an entirely different reason, and Bram loves it. Simon looks so ridiculously cute right now that it hurts. Bram sort of wishes they were in his room, with no parental supervision in the house.

 

Simon came with Leah, so Bram gives him a ride home. They are parked near his house, and they are sharing their first real kiss of the day. The kind that makes Bram forget to breathe, sometimes, and being astonished when his body reminds him that he does, in fact, need oxygen more than kisses.

“Do you want to come in?” Simon asks.

“I can’t. My mom is expecting me home soon.” That’s true. But there is also the fact that the only time Bram met Simon’s parents was also after a kissing session, and he would like to meet them again in more formal circumstances when his brain isn’t entirely focused on the things he would like to do to their son.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Simon asks.

“I am going to the park with Nick, Garrett and a couple guys from the team and we are going to play soccer.”

“Sounds fun. I guess. Well, I’ll just see you Monday then.”

“No. I mean, you _will_ see me Monday, but you could also join us tomorrow.”

“You want me to play soccer?”

“Could be fun.”

Simon sighs. “It probably won’t be. Have you seen me in PE? I’m a mess. But I really want to see you tomorrow.”

Bram smiles. “Should I come and pick you up? Around two?”

‘It’s a date,” Simon whispers before going for another goodbye kiss.

 

Bram is in his bed, reading the British English version of Harry Potter, when his phone buzzes. It’s a text from Simon.

 

_Because I am the worst boyfriend on the planet, I forgot to thank you for the most amazing date ever._

_😊_ _To be fair, it was just a movie._

_It was a movie – with you._

_I see your point._

_I would gladly go to a knitting session if it’s with you._

_I mean… I’m going to play soccer tomorrow._

_I must really like you._

_< 3_

_< 3_

_See you tomorrow._

_You too._

_Sweet dreams._

 

Bram doesn’t remember why he was so nervous. Today was great. Today was perfect.

Tomorrow will be too.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 


	2. The first time they played soccer together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'T'.

**Simon**

Simon hates sport. Simon hates sweating. Simon hates being outdoors if it doesn’t have a purpose.

But Simon really, _really_ , enjoys spending time with Bram.

Which is the only reason why he agreed to spend his Sunday afternoon playing soccer.

 

When Simon gets down for lunch, he is wearing a tracksuit. His entire family stops and stares at him.

“Si… what are you wearing?” Nora asks.

“I’m going to the park with Bram after lunch.”

“And the plan is to keep your boyfriend?” his dad asks. “With your amazing sense of style?”

“Very funny, dad. And yes, the point is to keep my boyfriend. I’m actually hoping to keep my boyfriend. We’re going to play soccer.”

Simon’s mother and sister’s eyes grow wide and his dad is so obviously trying not to laugh. Simon snorts and focuses on his plate.

“So your plan is to keep your boyfriend by showing off your sporting skills,” his dad sums up.

“Shouldn’t you be happy that I’m getting an interest in sports?”

“Well, I would be happy if I could come and watch.”

“Jack, leave him alone. I think it’s fantastic that you are taking an interest in Bram’s hobbies, honey.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Still… Sport… I didn’t know you liked Bram that much,” Nora comments.

“Shut up, Nora.”

“Language!”

 

Just before 2 p.m., Simon hears the doorbell. He knows it’s Bram coming to pick him up, and his heart starts beating a little bit faster. He takes a second to enjoy it. He doesn’t know how long his body will react to Bram that way. How long he will feel like he ignites when Bram looks at him, or catch his breath when he receives a text and he might be from Bram. Hopefully forever. But just in case, he is enjoying the feeling whilst it’s there.

Simon rushes downstairs, but he wasn’t quick enough. His father is already letting Bram in, and he doesn’t just leave it after the greetings.

“So, Bram, could you share your secret with me?” Bram shoots him a questioning look. “How did you convince Simon to go practice soccer with you?”

“I just asked,” Bram answers with a smile.

“Really? That never works when I do it…”

Simon can see on his father’s face that he is about to make a joke. And there is a too high probability that it will be a sex joke for him to take a chance. “Okay, dad, thanks for that. We’re gonna go, now.”

Simon grabs his keys and water bottle whilst his father says: “Bram, would you like to have dinner diner with us tonight?”

The meme ‘it’s a trap’ flashes through Simon’s mind, and he tries to catch Bram’s eyes before he gives the wrong answer.

“I’d love to.” Too late.

“Don’t you have to check with you mother?” Simon asks, using his eyebrows for emphasis. So Bram gets that he is giving him a way out.

“No, that’s fine. I was supposed to eat with Garrett. I’ll just let her know about the change of plan.”

“Won’t Garrett be upset?”

“He’ll survive,” Bram answers. The look in his eyes tells Simon that he should let it go, so he does.

“Great!” Jack concludes. “See you two after practice!”

 

“Let’s find an excuse for you to skip dinner,” Simon says as Bram starts the car.

“Why are you so desperate for me not to come to dinner?” Bram asks.

Simon can hear a hint of insecurity in his boyfriend’s voice, and he simply has to make it disappear. “Because my parents are _not_ going to be like last time. Alice was there, so they were focused on her, and they gave us some space. You were there for less than fifteen minutes. When you left, they asked me like a million questions. They’re going to be worse tonight. It will be like getting the third degree.”

“So? It will happen eventually.”

“Yeah, but… I’d like for you to be sure about me before that happens.”

And just like that, Simon has phrased it. That one fear he didn’t even realize he had. That Bram, even though he said he wanted Jacques to be Simon, might be having second thoughts. Simon knows that he is different from Jacques, just like Bram isn’t exactly like Blue. And even if Bram had a crush on him, it’s always different when you spend time with someone.

Simon has felt so blessed about Blue being Bram. And it’s like every single thing he discovers about Bram makes him fall deeper for him. But it also makes him feel like he isn’t enough for Bram.

And today, he’s going to see him make a fool of himself in front of his teammates. Simon is convinced that putting Bram through the awkwardness of a family dinner then will be the last drop.

It’s too soon.

He should never have agreed to today. They should have left the weekend at one sweet perfect first date.

Bram pulls over and Simon’s stomach ties up. Bram takes Simon’s fingers and uses his free hand to pull on Simon’s chin, forcing him to make eye contact.

That’s all Simon needed for all his fears to disappear. He never feels insecure when Bram looks at him.

“Simon, where is this coming from?”

“I’m rubbish at soccer.”

“So?”

“What if Bram and Simon don’t fit together as well as Blue and Jacques?”

“Are you regretting this?”

“Never. You make me so happy.”

Bram smiles, one of his warm soft smiles that pull something below Simon’s navel. “And is it so hard to believe that you make me happy too?”

“A bit.”

“Should I remind you that I’m the one that has been pining for you for years?”

Simon can feel his face blush. “So… do you really want to come to dinner tonight?”

“I really do,” Bram whispers. There is so much softness in his voice that Simon believes it.

“My family is very awkward.”

“I’ve met them before.”

“They will be worse.”

“Then I can only hope that my boyfriend will support me the entire time.”

“Always,” Simon whispers against Bram’s lips before kissing him. And he realizes that compared to that kiss, being sporty or not, having awkward parents or not, is irrelevant.

“Okay,” Bram says breaking the kiss. “We’ll be late if we carry on doing that.”

 

They are late to the park.

When they arrive, Garrett and Nick are there, as well as four other boys that Simon is pretty sure are called Troy, Sam, Andrew and Toby.

“Si!” Nick exclaims. “Garrett said you were coming, but I thought he was just messing with me!”

“Yeah, well… Bram invited me, and…”

“…and you couldn’t say no to those big brown eyes,” Garrett finishes. “I completely get that.”

The boys from the team laugh, but there is no mockery in there.

“Which is a good thing,” Troy comments, “because we were one man short.”

“You do realize that whoever gets me in their team will be disadvantaged?” Simon asks.

“That’s fine,” Andrew replies. “We’ll put you and Sam in different teams, and both teams will have a disadvantage.”

Sam shows him his middle finger, but both of them are smiling. There seem to be a much better atmosphere in the team than Simon imagined. He always pictured them as a group of jocks, nothing more. Which is silly. Nick is his best friend, and he has been eating lunch with Bram and Garrett for years. Maybe it’s just easy to see people through ready-made stereotypes.

Garrett is the first to pick someone for his team. He picks Simon. Simon has _never_ been picked first for a sport activity before. Not even if Nick was choosing. He knows that Garrett probably did that to make a point to Bram that he supports his decision, but that only reinforces Simon’s respect for their friendship.

Teams are picked and boys set up a pretend field.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Bram asks quietly to Simon.

“Only for you.”

And then they play.

Simon isn’t good. It’s definitely out of his comfort zone. But he has fun anyway. The boys on his team include him regardless of the fact that he has as much movement coordination as a teapot. The other team is nicer with him than with the actual soccer team players, but they are by no mean letting him win. Simon really appreciates the balance.

 

The afternoon goes a lot better than Simon expected. The boys are friendly and welcoming. Nick makes it smoother as well. He is still a much more familiar presence than Bram. Without him, Simon would have been nervous about spending time with Bram’s friends for the first time. But right now, he can be himself. He feels like he’s with his friends too.

“I’m sorry we lost,” Simon tells Toby as everyone is grabbing their stuff.

“Don’t worry. It’s all about having fun. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I did, actually.”

Toby’s face lights up with a smile. “Cool. Come back next time, then.”

“But I’m dragging you down.”

Toby laughs. “It’s just spending time with some of the guys, it’s not practice. Sometimes, we barely even kick the ball to one another.”

“Okay. I’ll come back, then.”

“Great!”

“Who would have thought that soccer would become one of my hobbies…”

“Well… don’t tell anyone, but I might have let my girlfriend hook me on some chick-flick shows. That’s being in a relationship. You try new things. Sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s not. Like when she tried to get me do face masks. That one did _not_ become a new hobby.”

Simon laughs, picturing Toby with a face mask on. He doesn’t reply because Bram shows up. “Ready to go?”

“Sure. See you in school, Toby.”

“Later, Spier.”

 

Bram dropped Simon home before going back to his house to shower and change before dinner. Simon is taking advantage of the time he has before Bram arrives to establish rules with his parents. They are both in the kitchen, making dinner, and Simon walks in, as determined as he can. He tries to stand straight to look taller.

“Mom, Dad, can we talk?”

“Sure, honey. What about?”

“Bram. I don’t want you making him uncomfortable tonight.”

“We would never do that,” says his dad, slightly offended.

“Yes, you would. You never mean to do it, but you do. Mom, you won’t ask him questions about his feelings, or anything you would ask your patients. And Dad, you are not going to make any joke which could be offensive and you are not going to try to pretend you know more than you actually do and mention things like Grindr. And none of you is going to go anywhere neat the sex talk. Can we agree on that?”

“Are we allowed to talk at all?” Jack asks.

“Yes. But do regular parents’ stuff, like… ask him about his grades and his hobbies, and… stuff…”

“You want us to ask him about his grades?” Emily asks.

“No. I don’t know. It was an example. Just… I really like him. Please, make an effort.” Simon’s voice nearly breaks, and both his parents look at him fondly.

“I will do my best not to analyse him,” Emily swears. “And I’ll keep your dad in check.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jack admits.

 

Bram arrives half an hour later. This time, Simon is quick enough to be the one to open the door. Or maybe his family let him do it on purpose. Either way, it’s a relief.

Bram looks so pretty it gives Simon goose bumps. They smile shyly, still figuring out how to _be_ without screens, just with their bodies, and they go for an awkward kiss on the lips, not quite sure how far are the parental eyes. It’s fine. It’s still perfect. It’s still Bram being here, carving his place into Simon’s life.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Simon asks.

“Only for you,” Bram replies with a smile. Simon smiles back. He loves that they already can have references between them that don’t come from their emails.

Simon’s mother arrives as they are staring at each other in silence, still smiling. She pretends she doesn’t realize that she interrupted a moment. “Hi, Bram.”

“Hello, Mrs Spier.”

“Please, I told you, call me Emily.”

Simon can see on Bram’s face that he is not entirely comfortable with that idea, but he nods anyway. Bram is that kind of person who’s good with parents.

Simon is pleasantly surprised. His mother doesn’t ask any personal question with an inquisitive look attached. The closer she gets to ask him about his feelings is when she asks Bram if he is excited about having a sibling soon, which Simon is happy to categorize as an acceptable question. His father is on his best behavior too. He asks Bram a lot of questions about soccer, and the two of them talk sports for a while. Simon knows that his father is sometimes disappointed that Simon doesn’t share is interest, and he is happy to see his father and his boyfriend bond over it. Jack seems over the moon. Nora, who isn’t always great with new people, and has made a point to ignore any friend of Simon’s who isn’t Nick or Leah, is also really nice to Bram. She talks to him about her music, and Simon is literally a bit jealous, because she always refuses to talk to him about it.

Both Simon’s parents seem surprised when they talk about school and learn that Bram is an honor student with a very strong chance to get a full scholarship to an Ivy League based on his academic results. Bram acts like it’s not a big deal and Simon feels pride burst in his chest. His gorgeous, smart, modest boyfriend. At which point his dad ruins it by making the joke that Simon is the only teenager that will manage to improve in sport and school by getting in a relationship. But it’s a sweet joke and everybody laughs.

 

It’s a school night, so Bram doesn’t stay after dinner.

Simon knows he’s going to see Bram in less than two hours, but it doesn’t help with that ‘Sunday evening feeling’ he has. It’s not the same, being with Bram in school. Maybe they could do something after school? Simon sighs. It’s like Bram is a drug and he can’t get enough of it.

Just as he thinks that, he gets a notification on his phone. From Bram.

 

_Thank you for joining me today. It was great to see you with the team._

_Thank you for inviting me._

_I had more fun than I thought I would._

_Plus, it was better than knitting_ _😉_

 _Ha ha._ _I’m glad you feel that way._

_Some of the guys messaged me to compliment me on my taste in boys. I think they like you!_

_If it was Nick, it doesn’t count._

_And over here, my dad can’t stop talking about that team you both support._

_I’m pretty sure he wants to take you to a game._

_It’s a European team, Simon._

_But please, thank your family again for dinner._

_It was really nice._

_Yeah. They weren’t even that weird._

_😊_

_I told you it would be fine._

_It’s because you wowed them <3_

_See you tomorrow._

_Tired of messaging me already?_

_Actually, I’m reading and it’s hard to concentrate on the book and the texting._

_What are you reading?_

_Dracula._

_❤_

_❤_

 

But as much as he wants to read the book – not just because it’s from Bram, but also because he actually really enjoys the story – Simon doesn’t carry on for a long time. He is rather tired. He can’t believe that today he played soccer, made new friends and had his boyfriend over for dinner. Nor that everything went so smoothly. It feels like this morning was ages ago.

Simon looks at the unfinished geography homework on his desk. He doesn’t want to finish such a good day with such a mundane activity. There is always tomorrow night for that.

Instead, he gets ready for bed. But he doesn’t take his pajama. Instead, he grabs his Elliott Smith T-shirt. Tonight, he wants to fall asleep feeling connected to Bram.

He looks at the clock. Ten more hours.

 

 


	3. The first time their parents met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'T/M'
> 
> There is this one scene that could be a strong T or a very light M, and I couldn't really decide, so I'm leaving it as a 'rating limbo'.

**Bram**

 

Simon is looking for something in his locker when Bram finds him. “Morning gorgeous.”

“Morning babe,” Simon replies absentmindedly, still scavenging for something.

“Babe?” That’s a first. We never really used endearments before. I called him gorgeous to make him smile, but his busy mind apparently went straight for the pet name.

“What?” Simon asks, victoriously putting what looks like the English homework in his bag.

“You’re calling me ‘babe’, now?”

“Oh… I don’t know. It just came out. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I never pictured myself as a ‘babe’, but I don’t mind being yours.”

Simon smiles. I was so afraid of this. Us. But it’s actually really easy. Maybe more than emailing.

“So… We have a situation…” Bram says.

Simon freezes and look at Bram, slightly concerned. “What do you mean by ‘situation’?”

“So… you know how I came for dinner a few weeks ago? Well my mom sort of thinks it’s her turn to return the favour, and she wants to meet your parents.”

“What?”

“She wants to invite your parents, your sister and you to dinner next Friday.”

“Oh.” Bram can read on Simon’s face the same uncertainty he’s feeling. His mother and Si’s parents are very different people. The evening can go two ways, really. “I’ll ask my parents, but there are definitely going to say yes. They are in this phase where they are really excited about anything having to do with me being gay.”

Bram scrunches his nose. He knows it’s great to have supportive parents, but he also knows that Simon would sometimes like for them to be less extra about him coming out. By trying so hard to show him that it’s okay to be gay, they are still sending the message that, maybe, it’s not that okay. Or, at least, that it isn’t ordinary, or normal.

“So, anyway, I was thinking that we should get some of the pressure off Friday.”

“How?”

“I think it would be a bit much, my mom meeting you and your family all at once. Maybe if she already knows you by then, things will be a little smoother. So, if you want, you could come to my house after school tonight for a couple of hours. We’ll do our homework; you’ll meet her briefly in a less formal situation than a full family meeting… what do you think?”

“That sounds like a plan,” Simon agrees. He looks a bit nervous, so Bram squeezes his fingers briefly.

“Don’t worry. She’s going to love you.”

“Yeah… let’s hope so.”

Bram’s exact thoughts. But saying it out loud wouldn’t help Simon’s nervousness.

 

When Simon joins Bram in the parking lot, he changed his clothes. He is wearing a black long-sleeved shirt.

“Why are you wearing a _shirt_? Where did you even find it?”

“I found it in the costume section of the drama department. Truth be told, Abby found it for me. And I am wearing it, because your mother terrifies me. If Abby had found one, I would also be wearing a tie right now. I know three things about her. She did a fantastic job raising you as a single mother. She was cool about the whole coming out thing. She has an Every Time Including Oral safe sex rule.”

Bram nods. “Great mother, loving no matter what, and pragmatic about teenage sex. Yes, that pretty much sums up my mom.”

“Yes, well. Let’s try to add ‘likes your boyfriend’ to the list, shall we?”

“We shall indeed. Do you know where I live?”

“As embarrassing as that is after a month dating you, no, I don’t.”

“Okay. I’ll get my car. Just follow me.”

 

They both park in front of Bram’s house and Bram pauses before opening the front door. He remembers how tight and churning his stomach was after the talent show, when they were waiting in Simon’s living room for his parents to come home.

He takes Simon’s hand, laces their fingers and looks at the grey-eyed boy. “Are you ready for this?”

“Only for you,” Simon replies with a soft smile. He still looks nervous, but his voice is steady and his eyes are determined.

Bram presses a quick kiss on his lips and opens the front door, not letting go of Simon’s fingers.

From Bram’s living room, there is a direct view to the lobby. So his mother’s eyes find them even before he can announce that he’s back. She is looking at them from above her glasses and she raises an eyebrow when she sees that they are holding hands. Bram doesn’t like it. The single eyebrow is never a good sign.

“Hi mom. This is Simon. We have some homework to do, so…”

“I thought we never lied to each other?” she interrupts him. Bram can feel Simon’s fingers tighten. “Do you think I don’t know what you’re doing? We both know I’m smarter than this. You brought your boyfriend here to show him that I don’t bite.”

Bram is starting to think that maybe this wasn’t a good idea. But then his mother stands up and gives Simon a warm smile.

“Hello Simon.”

“Good afternoon, Mrs Greenfeld.”

Simon lets go of Bram’s hand to shake her hand and Bram watches the interaction carefully, like someone introducing two animals. He can see that his mother noticed his behavior, but she ignores him.

“Simon, would you like something to drink? I make a pretty good hot chocolate.”

“I would love one,” Simon agrees cheerfully, and they all move to the kitchen.

“So,” she says as she starts preparing the beverages. “You are the boy who makes Bram so smiley lately?”

Simon looks equally pleased and proud, and Bram relaxes. Apparently, his mother had already decided she liked Simon before meeting him.

“I guess,” Simon answers. “I would be very happy to be, anyway.”

“Bram didn’t say much about you. Just that you were in the play, that you like what he calls ‘old music’, and that you have two sisters.”

“That is pretty much me,” Simon agrees.

She puts the hot chocolates on the counter and they all take one.

“But there must be more than that to you.”

And then she asks Simon a lot of questions. Bram likes her choice of questions. They are not general enough to be generic, but they are not personal enough to be uncomfortable. More importantly, she asks questions like she cares. Ten minutes in the conversation, and even Bram is discovering details about his boyfriend.

Bram feels like he can breathe properly for the first time in years. He knows his mother was fantastic when he came out to her. But he also knows that there is a difference between his coming out, being gay in theory, and his bringing a boyfriend home, being gay in fact. There is nothing in his mother’s behaviour that he thinks would have been different if he had brought a girl home.

Then they decide to go back to the living room to do some homework. Simon goes first as Bram’s mom keeps him behind for ‘a word’.

“Bram, I actually have last minute plans for tonight, and I am leaving in fifteen minutes.”

“Let me guess. You’d like Simon to be gone before you.”

“No. You are seventeen now, and I hope I have raised you to be the kind of teenager I can trust. So I am going to go to the movies with my friends, I will trust you not to do anything stupid, and we will have dinner when I come back. How does that sound?”

There is a very strong chance that by ‘anything stupid’ she means sex, but Bram doesn’t let his mind go there. “That sounds great.”

“Fantastic. See you tonight.”

 

“Your mother is really nice,” Simon says as he closes his algebra book. “I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised, you are really nice too, but I really wanted us to bond, you know? Like you and my dad over sport. I don’t think your mother is as thrilled about me as my dad is about you, but I think she liked me. No?”

There is a bit of uncertainty in his last word, and Bram wants to make it disappear. Because he could see that she was really fond of him. “She did. We wouldn’t be left alone unsupervised if she didn’t. The only other person she allows in the house when she isn’t there is Garrett and it took _months_ before she got there.”

“You were right. It takes some pressure off Friday.”

“I’m always right,” Bram replies, putting his own book away.

“Abraham, Babe, stop being so full of yourself.”

Bram knows it’s supposed to be a joke, but it’s growing on him. He likes the fact that if anyone else called him that, Garrett included, it would make him cringe so hard, but that from Simon it sounds different. Like he is telling him that he belongs to him.

He also likes the realization itself. That some things he wouldn’t like from anyone else are more than acceptable coming from Simon. ‘Abraham’. ‘Babe’. None of these names sound out of place when they come with Simon’s voice. Even though he’d still rather not be called by his full first name.

“I guess I should go now,” Simon says. Bram knows that it’s a school day, that his mother will be back in less than two hours, and that Simon needs to get home before dinner. But he still doesn’t particularly like what he’s hearing.

He can’t just let Simon go though, not without a proper goodbye kiss, so he pulls him in. But the kiss deepens quickly and instead of giving Bram a sense of closure, it just makes him want more. “Do you really have to go home now?” he whispers against Simon’s lips.

Simon shakes his head silently. Bram can see in his eyes that their mind is going to the same place. So he puts he lips back on his boyfriend’s, he takes his hand, and he drags him to his bedroom without breaking the kiss.

They collapse on the bed without even thinking about closing the door and Bram ends up half lying on Simon. He lets his lips discover the other boy’s neck, and Simon’s breath fasten. The more irregular Simon’s breathing gets, the more Bram wants to kiss him.

Bram’s hands slide under Simon’s shirt. His skin is warm and soft. He can feel himself getting worked up, and he tightens his grip on Simon’s hips. The boy moans in response and Bram feels his entire body get hotter. Simon’s mouth starts wandering in Bram’s neck, and he his not able to think anymore. He is the one moaning now, and probably louder. If his brain was working, he would probably be embarrassed, but he is living the moment, not thinking it. It is quite unusual for him to be letting go, and it feels incredible.

Bram kneels up and starts slowly unbuttoning Simon’s shirt. During the entire process, he locks eye contact with Simon, looking for any trace that it might not be what he wants. But Simon lets him do it, looking flushed, swollen lips and messy hair. He’s never been this beautiful. When the last button goes, Simon sits up and gets rid of the shirt. Bram takes a moment to take the sight in. He has spent a lot of time thinking about what Jacques, then Simon, would look like half naked. But no fantasy could compare with the reality of the moment.

Bram hastily takes off his own t-shirt and dive back into the kissing. Feeling Simon’s skin against his is the most intoxicating thing Bram ever experienced. They are hugging and caressing as much as kissing. They keep alternating between sweet and hot, between affectionate and sensual.

Simon leaves just on time to be home before dinner, and Bram’s mother is still not home.

Bram lies in his bed, still wrapped in the moment they just shared. His body is still electrified from Simon’s touch. He closes his eyes and lets his hand wander with his mind, pushing things further than they’ve gone today. Simon is at the front of his mind the entire time. His face, his body, his breath, his moans, all his noises really, the lump he could feel in the other boy’s jeans, his mouth on Bram… Until, finally, it is too much to handle and Bram gets the sweet release, leaving him panting and content.

 

In school the next day, from the other side of a busy corridor, Bram sees Simon having a conversation with Toby and his girlfriend. Bram has seen Simon talk to the guys from the team a couple of times since they played in the park. Sometimes, Bram is a bit overwhelmed by how supporting his teammates have been. He probably chose the right sport.

It also makes him feel a bit guilty. Because as he sees Toby’s girlfriend laugh at something Simon said, he realized that he never made the effort to talk to any of the players’ girlfriends. Maybe he should make more of an effort.

Simon sees him and walks to him. “Hi Babe,” he greets Bram with a wink.

“Very funny. So we’re really doing pet names now?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m getting used to it. On a completely different note, my parents would be, and I quote them, thrilled to join you for dinner on Friday.”

“Great. I’ll let my mom know. She’s been talking about you. We were right, she did like you.”

“That’s good. Toby was just telling me that his girlfriend’s parents hate him, and that brings all sorts of awkward.

“Oh yeah, I saw you bonding with Toby. That’s nice.”

“Well I have to. Now that I’m practically in the team.”

Bram smiles. “Sure. A couple of hours in a park and you’re ready for varsity. So, Toby’s girlfriend… what’s her name?”

Simon frowns as if he couldn’t believe that Bram wouldn’t know that. “Sophie.”

“Right.” It does ring a bell. Maybe he should know her. Is it weird that he doesn’t? Would it be weirder if he suddenly started asking the team about their love interests?

“She’s nice,” Simon continues as he seems to pick on Bram’s new found interest. “She’s been taking dance lessons since she was four, and she is thinking about joining the play next year. But there is something I’m wondering… Have you seen the size difference between them? She’s tiny and he is even taller than Garrett. How do they even kiss?” Bram bursts out laughing. Only Simon would be thinking about something like that. But then Simon gives Bram a mischievous look and adds “Then again, in a car or lying down, it’s probably not a problem anymore.” Then he winks and leaves for his first lesson.

So, yeah. There is no way that Bram will be able to focus in Biology.

 

Then comes Friday. Bram is only half nervous. His mother likes Simon. Simon’s parents like him. Those were the important steps. If they don’t get along with one another, they won’t have to socialize that much anyway.

But he is also convinced that things will work out. His mother is making a real effort. Dinner smells amazing and she got her wedding’s china out. It’s one of the rare things left in the house proving that his parents did have a real love story once, and not just a fling that led to him.

“Do you need help, Mom?”

“No, thanks honey, I’m nearly done. But you can keep me company.”

Bram sits on a stool by the counter and watched his mother finishing the dessert. He always found looking at her cooking oddly soothing. She has a calm and precise manner of doing things that’s quite relaxing to witness.

“So, you have met the Spiers before. what are they like?”

“They are nice.”

“Of course they are. Their son is lovely. Why do you always stop to the obvious and the necessary? What do you think about them?”

Bram shrugs. “I don’t know. They are… different from us. Simon’s parents are high school sweethearts, they live in a house with a white picket fence, literally, they have three children, a dog, family TV night, a house full of children drawings and a wall with a mark for how tall each of them was on each birthday. Simon doesn’t realize it, but he has the typical perfect family depicted in mainstream fiction.”

“And is that something you would want? A family like theirs?”

Nothing shows on her face, but Bram is afraid that maybe he hurt his mom. “Not really. I mean, it’s nice to be in a house with noise all the time, and to discuss sports with Simon’s dad, but… I wouldn’t trade you for the world, and I think it’s too busy for me. I like being an only child. Having my space, a quiet home, and all the attention.”

“You won’t be an only child for long,” she comments.

“True. But I don’t think little Fetus will affect my life so much.”

“Stop calling it that.”

“Still better than calling it ‘it’.”

She smiles. “Well, soon enough, it will be a he or a she, and I won’t sound so cold about it. I am happy for your father. Really.”

“I know. But… going back on whether I am happy with our family… We could still discuss a puppy…”

“Not happening, love.”

 

Bram’s mother opens the door and lets the Spiers in. She shakes Jack and Emily’s hands with a “Please, call me Gabrielle”, that she didn’t offer Simon the other day. Simon looks like he’s afraid his parents, especially his dad, might say something wrong whenever they open their mouths, and Nora looks uncomfortable. Bram therefore decides to have a conversation with her, all evening if he has to. He wants to bond with Simon’s sisters, but he also doesn’t want her to be bored. Tonight feels like an important step, and he wants everyone to remember it fondly.

Her face really lights up when she is talking about music and it seems like a good place to start. Simon observes them but doesn’t take part in the conversation, as if he too would like his sister and his boyfriend to hit it off.

 

“They’re getting along really well,” Bram comments in Simon’s hear as their mothers start sharing experiences from medical school.

“They sure are. I’m not entirely sure this is a good thing for us, though.”

And they really are getting along. Better and faster than Bram expected. They are talking, laughing… Bram hasn’t seen his mother so relaxed in ages.

Then Jack compliments Gabrielle on her house, Emily compliments the cooking, Bram’s mother compliments them on their children, Simon’s dad compliments her on Bram… It’s nice, in a way, but Bram and Simon cringe when their names are dragged in the conversation. Because they know what’s coming next.

And sure enough, they are now sharing stories and anecdotes. Bram sort of likes hearing the ones about Simon, but wishes he could disappear whenever his mother shares one about him. He looks at Simon who seems to be the exact mirror of the feeling.

Which leads their parents to discuss their sons coming out.

“You know when some people come out and the other person says that they already knew?” Gabrielle asks. “It wasn’t my case. I was very surprised. Not that he was gay, but that I didn’t pay enough attention to him to know. Or even to notice that he was keeping such a big part of himself from me.”

That statement completely upsets Bram. He had no idea that she was feeling that way. Apparently, Simon picks up on it, because suddenly his hand in on Bram’s thigh, under the table, squeezing it gently.

“Mom, it wasn’t like that…”

“He’s right,” Emily confirms. “He is a teenager. You can’t know how long he knew himself. And it’s probably not the only thing he keeps from you. Take us, for instance. We had no idea that Nora was in a band until the talent show, and yet she was spending over six hours each week rehearsing. I had no idea that my older daughter wanted to go to university out of state until she brought home her early acceptance letter. And closer to your situation, we had no idea for Simon either. And I’m a children therapist. I am trained to see those things. It’s always different when they are ours. We have this very clear idea of who they are, and it turns out they are not.”

There is a quiet silence after that. Nobody really knows how to bounce back from that. At least, Bram’s mom is smiling again.

“I wouldn’t mind coming out to you,” Nora says out of the blue. “But there is no way I would tell you if I had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Ever. I don’t even know how you haven’t scared Bram away yet.”

Everyone laughs, and Bram can see in Nora’s eyes that it is exactly what she wanted. To defuse the tension and change the mood. He really needs to spend more time with her. The issue being that when he is at Simon’s, the only thing he wants to do is be with Simon. Preferably alone, in a room with the door mostly closed.

“Well, I think they are lucky to have found each other,” Bram’s mother says. “I don’t know Simon very well, but he seems perfect for Bram. Serious enough to keep Bram on track, but lively enough to pull him out of his little bubble and show him that there are great things out of his comfort zone.”

“And I think Bram is going to help Simon stay well-grounded and expand his horizons too,” Simon’s mother adds. “Plus, he looks happier since they are together.”

It’s still cringy. But it’s also nice. Bram knew his mother like Simon, but it’s a bit moving to hear her say it at loud. And there is some relief as well hearing Emily approving their relationship.

“Personally, I think Bram could have done better,” Jack says. Gabrielle laughs, Emily rolls her eyes, and Jack winks at Simon to show him that he doesn’t mean it.

Overall, it’s a good evening. Their worlds collided, again, and they realized once more that they fit together. Bram looks at Simon, and they let the conversation continue around the table. They just stare at one another, having a silent conversation, getting lost in the other’s eyes.

There is this thought at the back of Bram’s mind. This feeling that they sort of wrote, but never said. Soon. He will have to tell Simon soon.

 

 


	4. The first time they said 'I love you'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter: 'T'
> 
> Okay, so, obviously the issue with this fic is that the name of the chapters are basically massive spoilers.
> 
> Also, I guess this chapter is sort of for numbersix. You requested, it inspired, I tried to deliver. I hope it lives up to your expectations.

**Simon**

“So?” Leah asks.

“So what?” Simon asks absentmindedly, finishing his math equation.

He is sitting on his bed with Leah, who stayed after driving Nora home, and they both have a different textbook open in front of them.

“What is life with a boyfriend like?”

Simon shrugs.

“Oh, come on! I’m sure you tell Abby all about it.”

“I don’t tell Abby all about it,” Simon replies. But he closes his math homework. He knows that Leah sometimes need him to show her that she is still his number one girl, and he’d rather talk about Bram than look at more numbers. “But I’ll humor you. What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know. Anything, I guess. I mean, this whole thing is crazy. I still need to wrap my head around Quiet Bram Greenfeld being gay.”

“Why? Is it so hard to believe?”

“No, not really. Far less than believing that he would actually be into you.” Simon glares at her, but she ignores him. “It’s just new. That the two of you would be gay and into one another. It’s… it’s like a ‘meant to be’ story, and those are _not_ supposed to exist!”

“Well… about that… There is something I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Really?” Leah’s voice is detached, she sounds almost bored, but Simon can see her eyes sparkle with curiosity.

“You know that entire thing about me being blackmailed and helping Martin with Abby?”

“Yes, I vaguely remember Martin Addison being an asshole.”

“Well… I didn’t let him blackmail me because I didn’t want him to out me. I mean… of course, I didn’t want him to do that, but I don’t think I would have done what he asked if I was just protecting myself. Martin found some emails I wrote to another closeted gay kid from the school.”

Leah’s eyes grow wide and her mouth fall open. “That wasn’t Bram, was it?”

Simon vaguely nods and blushes. Leah’s face crack with a smile. “Oh my God. Just when I thought you couldn’t be more nauseating.”

“The real word is nauseous,” Simon corrects.

“Isn’t that when you’re feeling sick?”

“No, that’s nauseated.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am. I looked it up.”

Leah frowns. “You look up weird stuff.” Simon smiles and gets lost in his thoughts for a minute. How he looked that up because he wanted the proof that Blue was more grammatical than the rest of the world. How he spent a ridiculous amount of time proof reading his emails to make sure that they were up to Blue’s standards. How…

“So how long have you known that Bram is gay, then?” Leah asks, interrupting his walk down memory lane.

“Just as long as everyone else.”

“But you just said…”

“I didn’t know I was emailing Bram. And he didn’t know he was emailing me. Well… he found out quickly, apparently, because I’m obvious and he’s not oblivious.”

“Gosh, you’re such a dork. But sort of an adorable one.”

“Shut up. So… what about you? Anyone in mind?”

A shadow passes on Leah’s face and her smile fades slightly. ‘No, I… no. Nobody.”

Simon isn’t entirely sure that it’s the entire truth, but he lets it go. In her own time.

 

It’s Saturday night. Most teenagers are going to a party, going out to have fun, or – like pre-relationship Simon – catching up on homework. But because Simon is the luckiest teenager on the planet, he is cozied up against his boyfriend, in said boyfriend living room, watching a superhero movie. Simon doesn’t care much about the superhero movie, but Bram likes it and Bram has a soft spot for everything Bram likes. He is corny like that.

Bram’s mother is in her office, her door cracked open. From there, she can’t see them, and she probably can’t really hear them either. It’s more a reminder that she’s in the house and that she is there and that clothes are not optional.

Not that Simon and Bram are there yet. There have been a few making out sessions. Intense, hot make out sessions. But their hands haven’t even traveled south yet. Simon thinks about it a lot. He has a lot of fantasies about his boyfriend. Asleep and awake. But there is this massive gap between wanting something in theory and being ready for it in practice.

Simon’s back is against Bram’s chest. Bram’s arms around him make him feel warm, safe and happy. From time to time, Bram rubs his nose in Simon’s hair, plays with his fingers, or caresses his arm. Every time, Simon wishes the movie wasn’t nearly over, that he didn’t have a curfew, and that this moment would continue forever.

“Bram?”

Bram hums against Simon’s ear and the boy shivers.

“Are you really not mad?”

“About what?”

“Telling Leah about Jacques and Blue.”

“Are we really having that conversation again? Stop worrying. It’s fine. You know I told Garrett. And I didn’t ask you first either.”

“It’s different. You told Garrett before we were a couple.”

“Simon, you don’t need to ask me to tell your friends things about us. I trust you to know the difference between the public, the private and the intimate.”

Simon nods. “Then does that mean I can tell Abby?”

Bram laughs softly against Simon’s head. “Sure. You can tell anyone you want. It’s your story as much as mine.”

They fall silent and Simon tries to focus on the movie again, but he’s lost track a little bit and he doesn’t remember the names of some characters. That’s fine, he’ll focus on the handsome, muscular men fighting to save the world.

But his mind doesn’t want to focus on the movie. It keeps going back to the conversation he had with Leah. Especially the moment she asked him how long he knew about Bram being gay. And Simon realizes that he never asked Bram when he knew about him.

“Babe?”

“You have no intention to watch the rest of the movie quietly, do you?”

Simon shrugs. “Do you want me to stay quiet?”

“No.” Bram lowers the sound of the TV. It’s low enough that they can focus on their conversation more than the world ending, but loud enough that Bram’s mother won’t be able to eavesdrop.

“When did you know?”

“Simon, you will have to be slightly more specific.”

“When did you know Jacques was me?”

Bram’s arms tighten around Simon. “I’m not sure. There wasn’t really a light-bulb moment. It’s just… this hope I had that turned into suspicion, and that feeling grew and grew until I was almost sure. And then you got outed and there wasn’t any place left for doubt, was there?”

“Did you really found out because I write the way I speak?”

Bram buries his forehead in Simon’s neck and Simon leans even closer to Bram. “When I moved school, I felt completely lost. I’m not the best at making new friends. But I met Garrett and even though he gave me the absolute _worst_ first impression, we bonded quickly. Like he could see through me, and I was overwhelmed by how much more he is than he lets people see, you know? Anyway. Thanks to our friendship, I ended up at our lunch table. And that first lunch… I’ll always remember it.”

“Why?”

“Because I was talking with Garrett and Nick, and then this boy arrives and sits with us. He was so cute I couldn’t even speak anymore. He smiled like it was his resting face, wasn’t afraid to hold eye contact longer than required and he had those eyes that had all the nuances of grey.”

“You’re talking about me, right?”

“Yes, Simon. I am talking about you. That day was the beginning of my crush for you. Every lunchtime, I would just sit there and space out, staring at you. When I came out to him, Garrett told me that he already knew because of the way I was looking at you. I wasn’t sure why he never mentioned it, but he told me that it was my thing to share with him, not his thing to pry on. Anyway… obviously when I started emailing a mystery boy, I sometimes would picture him as you. And some things just fit perfectly. It was so easy to imagine that Jacques was you. So I killed that idea as soon as I could. Because I didn’t want to put that on Jacques. I didn’t want to be disappointed when I met him because he wasn’t who I thought he was. So I compartmentalized. My crush on you on one side, tidily put away in a box, and my growing bond and feelings for Jacques on the other, freely roaming.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What about?”

“Thinking you were Cal Price.”

“It really upset me. It nearly broke me, actually. I don’t know if I should tell you that, because it’s far from sexy, but I cried myself to sleep after reading that list you made.”

“Bram…”

“No, that’s fine. Now that we had our happy ending, I’m actually sort of glad about it. You picked me over your crush. What we had online was more important that whatever you had with Cal in real life. It’s that one precise thought that made me come to you at the carnival. That helped me not be scared anymore. But anyway… to answer your question… the more I was fighting the idea of you and Jacques being the same person, the more things seemed to link the two of you. The way you speak, the homecoming game, Garrett’s Halloween party, your dog, your birthday… I couldn’t believe that my crush would not only be gay, but also be the guy I was pining over.”

Simon brushes his fingers against the back of Bram’s hand and the other boy links their fingers together.

“Do you remember the first email I signed with ‘love’?” Simon nods. Of course he remembers. That one word lighted an entire series of fireworks in Simon’s head and heart. “Well that’s when I was sure. When I couldn’t dissociate the image of Jacques and Simon. Then you signed the same thing, and my heart could have exploded. I was still too unsure to act on that certainty, and there was still this tiny chance that I was just seeing what I wanted to see, but I think it’s when I knew. Then you told me about being outed to the entire world, and what sort of coincidence would that have been if outed Jacques and outed Simon were not the same person?”

Simon turns his head around and kisses Bram’s throat.

“I feel like your side of our story is much more romantic.”

A happy smile appears at the corners of Bram’s mouth. “I don’t know. I like the idea of that oblivious grey-eyed boy who is desperately looking for his online friend, and finds this awkward quiet soccer kid and kisses him anyway.”

“Bram…” Simon sits up and turns around to looks at his boyfriend. “I truly can’t comprehend how your self-esteem is so low. Of course I kissed you. There is no ‘anyway’ in that statement. I feel so lucky every day that Cute, Hot, Smart, Kind, Funny Bram Greenfeld is my boyfriend.”

Bram blushes and Simon never found him cuter than in this specific moment. He looks at his flushed cheeks and he feels like teasing him. “So we all know where I stand in the whole crush vs. online boyfriend thing. But if it had been you, who would you have chose? Jacques or Simon?”

Bram raises a single eyebrow. “I can tell that this is a hundred percent a trick question. There can’t be a good answer. So I’m going for ‘I was so relieved you were both’.”

Simon smiles and leans in to press a quick kiss on Bram’s lips. “You know that first post on the Tumblr? The one that led me to you? This, us, is exactly like what you wrote. I don’t know if you will be my shore forever, but you were definitely worth swimming to!”

Bram’s eyes go all soft and golden. “I can’t believe you remember that post enough to quote it!”

“I probably read it a million times. It was so well written. It was so true. It was perfection.”

Bram’s face goes even softer and he suddenly looks really emotional. “I’m so happy I wrote that post. It’s the best decision I ever made. It pulled me into the craziest story, and it got me the most amazing boyfriend. Si, I…” Bram swallows and looks at Simon with a fire in his eyes that Simon isn’t quite sure how to interpret. “Simon, I love you.”

Simon always thought that he would experience a whirlpool of emotions when he heard those words for the first time. That’s not the case, however. Instead, he feels calm. He can feel serenity fill his mind as the rest of the world disappears. There is nothing left but Bram’s brown eyes and his words that seem to be lingering in the air.

They both know they are in love. They pretty much said so in their emails. But Blue and Bram aren’t exactly the same person, neither are Jacques and Simon. Saying it a loud is saying that the feeling didn’t fade when their real selves got involved.

“Bram, I’m so in love with you, you have no idea.”

Bram pulls Simon in for a kiss, and it’s a bit less careful than it should be with Bram’s mother a few feet away, and the movie nearly reaching the end of the credits – Simon did not pay any sort of attention to the ending, but he assumes that the world is saved – but none of them cares.

Simon _needs_ to kiss his wonderful boyfriend who loves him, and whom he loves.

It’s only been a couple of months, so Simon guesses that they are still in what people call ‘the honeymoon phase’, but things just keep getting better and better. He is confident they will manage to stay in their honeymoon phase forever.

Simon pulls Bram closer, and he is more than happy to oblige.

They jump apart when they hear Bram’s mother clear her throat. She is standing by the door frame, and she looks half-amused, half not.

“I believe that the movie is over, boys. And I promised Emily that Simon would be home on time. I’ll let you finish saying goodbye, but Simon needs to be on his way in five minutes.”

“Sure,” Simon replies.

“Great. Good night boys.”

“Good night, Mom.”

“Good night Mrs Greenfeld. Thank you again for dinner.”

“You are welcome. Thank your mother for sending you here with flowers.”

And she leaves the room. Bram’s mother is very nice, and she really seems to like Simon, but he still finds her terrifying.

He doesn’t feel like kissing anymore, so he just smiles at Bram and squeezes his hand. “I think I’m gonna go now.”

“It’s probably best, yes. I’ll text you in the morning.”

“Sounds great. Good night, Babe.” And because he can say it now, he adds “I love you.” And it feels so great to say it and see Bram’s eyes sparkle with joy.

“I love you too.”

Okay. So. Maybe it’s even better to hear it.

 

Tonight, Simon is definitely sleeping in the Elliott Smith T-shirt.

 

 


	5. The first time they were given the sex talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'T'.

**Bram**

 

Bram understands it’s a trap the moment he walks in.

He just came home from a particularly brutal soccer practice. He is sweaty, sore, and he is desperate to get a shower, finish his homework, and rest up before dinner. Text Simon, maybe. Definitely. A hundred percent text Simon.

But it turns out he won’t have to. Sitting in the living room are his mother, Simon and Emily. Simon looks worried. Like he isn’t sure where this is going either, but he knows too that this can’t be good.

“Oh, hi, Honey.”

“Hi Mom. Mrs Spier. Simon.” He greets everyone, but his eyes do not leave Simon’s.

“I told you a hundred times to call me Emily.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Bram, why don’t you go get a shower and then join us?” Bram is torn. He _does_ want to take a shower, get the practice off his muscles, get rid of the sweat, but he also doesn’t want to leave Simon alone in this situation.

However, Simon’s eyes tell him that he’s fine. To go take a shower. But to maybe be quick about it. So, Bram nods and gets in the bathroom. After practice, he usually likes to let the hot water relax his body. Today is only about getting clean, though. As rapidly as possible. He gets dressed in a rush, not really paying attention, and walks back in the living room.

His mother frowns. “Bram, your T-shirt is inside out.” He looks down and he can indeed see the seams. He quickly put is back with the right side out, and sits next to Simon. Like this, they are facing their mothers. Bram’s stomach squeezes slightly. He is pretty sure he knows what they want, but he hopes he’s wrong.

“Boys… Gabrielle and I have been talking, and we think it’s time to have the talk.” Yep. God hates him. Simon stiffens next to him.

“Mom, we already had the talk,” Bram says as if it could get them out of doing this.

“True. When you didn’t have a boyfriend.”

“You didn’t even believe that I wasn’t having sex then.” Bram doesn’t even know why he’s trying. That awkward, cringy, awful conversation is going to happen.

“And do you think I believe it now?”

Bram doesn’t answer and Simon blushes. Earlier that week, Bram’s mother walked in on them having a serious make out session on the couch. Simon was straddling Bram, hands were under shirts, and she came home early. Bram was pretty sure Simon was having a panic attack and Bram didn’t sustain any kind of prolonged eye contact with her. Bram sort of thinks about telling her that Simon and he are not having sex, but he doesn’t really see the point of dragging this longer than necessary.

Emily smiles at the boys. It looks a bit forced and Bram wonders for a second if it is her therapist smile. Then she says “Boys, this is not about prying in your relationship. And even though I know about the… incident… and it is what triggered today, but we need to have this conversation whether you are having sex yet or not. Obviously, we would want you to wait a bit longer before getting physical, because your relationship is still very new, but we also think that we need to be realistic. There ii no use in telling you not to do it. It is more productive to ensure that if and when this happens, you are ready both physically and mentally. For a moment, we thought that you might be more comfortable talking to a man, but… this is a serious conversation and Simon’s dad doesn’t really do serious. We thought it might be better if we took care of it.”

Bram doesn’t mind. Not that this is better. It would be excruciatingly painful either way. He wonders for a second if it would be easier with his own father. Then he remembers the Casanova being bisexual comment and decides that no, it wouldn’t have been.

“Or, we could not do this, and we’ll research things online,” Simon offers, and Bram is twice as much in love as he was ten seconds ago.

“The Internet?” Gabrielle asks. “The place where you can find detailed lists of evidences that aliens built the pyramids?” Simon vaguely mumbles something back. “Great, then. We are having that conversation now, we are all going to be extremely uncomfortable, but then we can never discuss it again.” Bram is totally on board with the last part of that statement, so he nods. Let’s get this over with.

Gabrielle and Emily exchange a look. They seem unsure about who should go first. It reassures Bram somewhat to see that they truly are uncomfortable doing this. He still doesn’t think that this is a necessary conversation – Simon and he are smart enough to take sex seriously, and it’s not like their mothers have valuable experience in gay sex – but he understands why their parents would want to have that talk with them.

Emily goes first. “We, hum… we talked about it, and we thought that there are three main things you need to have in mind whenever engaging in sexual activities. Especially when trying out new things.” Simon’s face probably won’t ever get its original color back. Bram wants to take Simon’s hand to comfort him, but touching him is also kind of the last thing he wants to do right now.

“The first one is that you need to be safe. Every time.”

“Including oral,” Simon finishes, and his eyes go wide like the words came out of his mouth against his will.

Bram’s mother raises an eyebrow. “Yes. Including oral. There is obviously not much risks of pregnancy here, but there are some diseases you do _not_ want to catch. Trust me. I work in a hospital.”

“Oh, Mom, please don’t.”

“What your mother is trying to say is that being safe is important. And it is not simply about infections. It is also about the… activities you do and the way your bodies might react.” Bram changed his mind. This isn’t hell. This is worse. Not only is this awkward, he also is certain that this wouldn’t have happened if he brought a girl. Someone he could catch diseases from _and_ get pregnant. “Boys… if you need to see a doctor at any time, you need to book an appointment or ask us to. We won’t ask questions, we wont judge, we just want you to have a healthy sex life. Plus, condoms will make things tidier.”

Simon sinks a little in his chair. Bram gets it. Right now, the closet doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe he should have stayed there. Just to avoid this moment.

“The second part,” Emily continues, “is communication. You need to talk to one another. You should always feel comfortable in everything you do. You need to put your needs first, but never forget about those of the other. Which also means that you need to both be ready for any step you are taking. Or any sexual interaction, always.”

Bram isn’t afraid about that. He can’t picture Simon pressuring him, and he would never ask Simon to do anything he doesn’t want to do. For historical reasons, communication is not an issue between them.

Simon is probably thinking the same thing because they make eye contact and smile at each other.

“And finally,” Bram’s mother says, and Bram has no idea what could come next. Being safe, ready, and communicate. What else do their moms have planned for their torture session? “you need to have fun.”

Bram is so surprised that he chokes on his own saliva. He feels Simon shift uncomfortably next to him.

“What?” Bram loves Simon. With all his heart. But why on Earth would he ask questions? Especially any that would involve things being repeated?

“Sex is intense, exhilarating, frightening and emotional,” Emily develops. “It is a very big thing. But it should also be enjoyable. If you are not having fun, if it is uncomfortable or unpleasant, then something is wrong. It shouldn’t happen if you took the safety and communication steps seriously.”

“Mom, can’t we please… stop?” Simon asks. “Condoms, no crazy stuff, talk, make sure it’s not weird, never talk to you again. We get it.”

Their mothers look at each other. “Yes,” Mrs Greenfeld finally says. “We can stop here. Unless you have any questions?”

“No, we’re good,” Bram answers. None he’s willing to ask them anyway.

“Perfect. Then we are going to give you some time together. You can shut the door. You probably want to discuss things in private.”

“Just let me know when you’re ready, Si, and we’ll got then.”

The two boys nod and disappear into Bram’s room.

 

“That was…”

“Awful?”

Simon is sitting at Bram’s desk and Bram is on his bed, his legs stretched out, still a bit stiff from practice.

“Do you think they had any idea what they were doing?” Bram asks.

“Probably not. That’s also not the sex talk we need.”

“What do you mean?”

“We are not complete idiots. We know about condoms. And we don’t need someone to tell us that we need to talk things out and that sex is fun. What we need would be someone who can explain to us the specifics about gay sex. You know, all the stuff that was left out of sex ed in school. But even if they were expert on the question, I _would not_ have that conversation with my mom. Or any of our parents.”

Bram nods. “So should we? Talk about it?”

“Babe, please, no. Not today. I don’t want to have that conversation after… whatever it is out moms did.”

“Fair enough.”

They stay silent for a moment. Bram lies down properly in his bed, one arm behind his head, and looks at the ceiling. The conversation was intensely awkward, and also somewhat disturbing. It is over though. If he’s lucky, his mother will let his father know that he was given the talk, and he won’t have to live through another one.

He hears Simon stand from the chair, and suddenly he is lying next to Bram, his head on his shoulder. Bram wraps his free arm around Simon.

“Did you notice that one moment when my mom practically said that it was fine if we had sex?”

“It’s not exactly what she said,” Bram tempers.

They remain like this, silent and hugging for a long time. Simon’s weight on Bram’s shoulder is oddly soothing. Simon traces patterns on Bram’s chest and he is a bit mesmerized by the feeling. He can smell his boyfriends shampoo and that smell got so familiar it now give Bram a sensation of well-being every time it reaches his nose. Bram almost has to put effort into not falling asleep here and now, with Simon in his arms.

“I should go,” Simon says. “My mother is waiting, and I don’t want one of them to come looking for me.”

“Five more minutes,” Bram negotiates, holding Simon a bit tighter.

“I’ll give you six.”

 

 


	6. The first time they spent the night together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter: 'T'
> 
> (yes, T, minds out of the gutter, people)

**Simon**

 

Leah is lying next to Simon. They were watching a show on his computer, but they paused it nearly half an hour ago. They are talking about everything. Simon knows that he has been spending a lot of time with Bram lately, and he doesn’t remember the last time it had been just Leah and him.

“Now that I spend more time with them for Emoji,” she says, “I understand your point. Anna and Morgan are quite interchangeable. I can’t believe you dated one of them.”

“Oh, God. It feels like a freaking century ago.”

“Before your secret emailing with Bram. I still can’t believe you kept that from me for so long.”

“Are you upset?”

Leah shrugs. “Not really. I understand that being gay, and your emails, were your thing. And even though it hurt me at first, I also understand why you told Abby first. But sometimes, I have this thought that if I had been a better friend, I would have noticed something, or you would have said something.”

“It wasn’t like that, Leah.”

“I know. But then Martin outed you, and… I know it was awful for you, and that I really can’t make it about me, but I feel like he stole a moment from me too. You coming out to me. You know what I mean?”

“Of course I do. It’s one of the reasons I can’t ever really forgive him. He stole my moments with everyone. Even coming out to my parents wasn’t really on my terms. I know there will be other coming outs, that I am basically going to spend my life having to come out to people over and over, but… it’s not the same. That was the real one. The one I was supposed to be ready for.”

Leah nods, and they get quiet for a moment. Then she smirks – which is never a good sign – and asks, “Talking about being ready… how steamy are things with Bram?”

Simon can feel his entire face heating up. “Well… things are definitely steamy, but they aren’t… sexual… per se.”

“ _Per se_? Since when are you using Latin?”

“Since I’ve got a smart boyfriend.”

“You do know that technically, Bram has been your boy friend – two words – for years, right? And he was always smart. It’s not like he’s a new addition to your life.”

She has a point. But it also doesn’t feel true. Yes, Bram has been eating lunch with them for years. But he never really talked to Simon. He says that he was intimidated by Simon, that he was the cute boy that was getting him tongue-tied. Simon often wonders if he would have paid more attention to Bram if he had been more outgoing. He’d like to say yes, but he must admit that he never paid Garrett much attention before either, even though he is definitely on the outgoing side, and he was sort of surprised when he realized that they actually get along quite well.

“He still feels brand new,” Simon says.

Leah smiles at him. “So… is it love?”

“It is,” Simon confirms.

“I don’t even find it barf-inducing,” Leah comments, and Simon knows that it is her way of saying that she supports his relationship.

“Is it scary?” she asks, and her voice is barely a murmur.

“What?”

“Sex.”

“I told you. We’re not having sex yet.”

“Yeah, but… if you’re in a relationship, it always there somewhere. Even if it’s not happening.”

“In a way, it’s really not. Because it’s Bram, and I feel really safe when I’m with him. And we talked about it, we both want to take things slow. But on the other hand, it’s very freaking terrifying. Letting myself get that vulnerable in front of another person. And not just anyone; the person whose opinion of me matters the most to me right now. Also… there is the technical side of things that both seems straightforward and so obscure. I kind of resent heterosexual people to be brought up in an environment that teaches them all about sex without them having to research anything.”

“School should do something about it,” Leah agrees. “Cater their sex ed for everyone. Not just telling us that sex bring diseases and showing us how to put a condom on a banana.”

Simon laughs. He remembers Nick’s face during that assembly. He would suffer that terrible hour again just for that mix of horror and cringe on his friend’s face.

“I actually can top that assembly,” Simon says.

Leah looks at his as if she was really doubtful.

“Our moms gave us the sex talk.”

“Your moms? Plural?”

“Yep.”

“How awful was it?”

“Very. It was cliché, with just enough twist to make it unpredictable, uncomfortable and uninformative.”

“Uninformative?”

“Yes, you know… nothing we haven’t been told in school already. Plus, the fact that they made it a group thing… I wouldn’t have blamed Bram for breaking up with me there and then.”

Leah’s eyes go soft and Simon can’t help thinking that it is not something he usually sees.

“That boy is not going to break up with you. I can’t even believe how perfect you look for each other.”

Simon reaches for Leah’s hand and squeezes it. For a second, it’s like they understand each other perfectly.

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“I have something to ask you.”

“Sure.”

“My dad… My dad was supposed to take me to his new house for the weekend.” Leah doesn’t talk much about her father since he left for a girl not even in her twenties. Simon didn’t even know they were in contact. “I thought I should give him a chance, you know. Accept that he’s a regular person, with flaws, and that his thing with my mom doesn’t have to be his thing with me.”

“That sounds healthy.”

“Yeah, well. It was a shitty idea. Because he texted to cancel this morning. He’s taking his girlfriend to Savannah. Actually, he said ‘to the beach’. So, I’m just guessing, really.”

“I’m sorry, Leah.”

She shrugs, but Simon can see on her face that she’s really upset about it. “I didn’t tell my mom. I can’t. She looked so relieved that he would still put me first, and… I don’t want to put her through that as well as all the rest… Could I sleep here Saturday night?”

“I’ll ask my mom, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it!”

 

Simon’s mother is fine with Leah staying over. But as the week progresses, Simon sees Leah getting grumpier and moodier. Simon wouldn’t mind spending the weekend with Leah even if she turned into an insufferable witch, because he wants to be there for her. But he doesn’t want to let her spiral, and he doesn’t think that he would be enough distraction.

He mentions to her the possibility of inviting other people. Leah isn’t really open to the idea at first. But Simon promises that it wouldn’t be a party. Just friends getting together. They could even call it a board-game night. Nothing crazy about that. Just nerdy. Like it used to be.

They agree on inviting the lunch table. Anna and Morgan have other plans, but everyone else agrees to join the ‘impromptu game night’.

But it’s too many people to stay at Simon’s, so Nick offers his basement. They can all camp there, in sleeping bags. Simon loves that idea. Like if he can still do thing like that, then he can hold on to childhood a while longer.

 

Simon doesn’t tell anyone the real reason for the evening, not even Bram, and he is certain that Leah didn’t either. It’s for the best. Leah wouldn’t let people distract her if they tried on purpose. She is annoyingly proud like that.

But since the evening is not about her, Simon sees Leah letting go, he sees the clouds on her face disappear, and that relaxes him as well. He knows how the whole situation with her father has been weighing on her, and how much she hates talking about it. The fact that she would not only tell him, but also let go feels like an epic win for Simon.

Also, it’s nice to spend time out of school with both Bram and his friends. He is usually doing one or the other, so it is a welcome change.

Bram is different than he used to be. He is still quiet, but he isn’t silent anymore. He still observes more than he participates, but he is no longer in Garrett’s shadow. Simon used to think that Garrett just liked the spotlight. Now, however, he is pretty sure that Garrett was trying to get the attention from Bram to protect him, to let him be the shy kid. No one was surprised if Bram was asked something and Garrett answered for him. Since Bram came out, Garrett doesn’t do that anymore.

They still exchange looks that Simon can’t read. He is not jealous about that. He is so happy for Bram that he has a friend that close.

It probably also helps that Garrett liked Simon from the first day of their relationship. As if he got the ‘Best Friend Green Stamp’ as he called it once. Truth is, in any other context, Garrett probably wouldn’t care that much about Simon. They get along, but they don’t have much in common. But Garrett is Bram’s best friend, in the truest sense of the word, and if Bram fell in love with a chair, it probably would become Garrett’s favorite chair.

Simon really hopes Garrett gives him more credit than he would to a chair, though.

 

After Leah destroyed them at Monopoly, Uno and poker, but lost at every other game, it’s time for bed. The setting up is a joyful chaos. They all get changed one by one, and Nick’s parents seem almost unaware of the swarm of teenagers raiding their bathrooms.

A proud look passes on Bram’s face when he sees Simon wearing the Elliott Smith T-shirt. Simon realizes that it’s the first time sees him in it since the carnival. He probably has no idea that Simon wears it regularly.

Then everyone puts their sleeping bags all over the basement. Nick and Abby get cosy by the coach, and Leah make them promise not to do anything handsy. Garrett adds ‘or tonguey’, before telling Bram that it applies to him too. Bram doesn’t even reward him with an answer.

Bram and Simon settle in a corner of the room. When Simon looks at Leah to make sure she’s fine with that and she doesn’t want him to sleep closer to her, he is surprised to see that Garrett and Leah have installed their sleeping bags right next to each other’s. It absolutely doesn’t seem romantic, it just looks like friends bonding, but it is still an odd pairing. Leah seems to be having fun though, and it’s all Simon can ask for.

Well… that and spending time with Bram. And he’s getting both.

Bram and Simon lie down facing each other and intertwine their hands between their heads. Bram smiles, more with his eyes than with his mouth, and Simon’s heart feels like it’s glowing.

“Do you realize,” Bram whispers softly enough that only Simon could hear him, “that’s it’s the first time we are going to spend the night together.”

Simon smiles back. “I’m sorry if it’s not how you pictured it.”

“It’s perfect.”

Simon slides closer to Bram and bushes his lips against his. It’s not even a kiss, because they wouldn’t do that with their friends in the room, but it somehow feels even more intimate.

“I’m looking forward waking up with you,” Simon confesses.

“I’m not even thinking that far,” Bram admits. “I’m just looking forward falling asleep with you.”

Simon knows that they are soppy, but he doesn’t care. He’s never been happier in his life than he is now, and that’s because of his soppy boyfriend and their soppy relationship.

They fall asleep spooning and that’s the most comfortable and relaxed Simon felt in ages. Usually, falling asleep is a battle. His brain goes all over the place, bouncing from idea to idea like a pinball. Tonight, however, in Bram’s arms, everything simply feels quiet. Like his thought are in order.

 

Simon wakes up in Bram’s arms, all cuddle up against his torso. He rubs his forehead and nose against his boyfriend’s chest, trying to get even closer. Almost immediately, Bram’s fingers move up to rub his neck and scalp. It’s so nice Simon could purr.

Simon slumbers for a few more minutes, then Bram whispers “Simon, Love, should we get up?” Bram’s chest vibrates when he speaks, and Simon finds it both relaxing and sexy.

Bram is warm and soft. Simon really, _really_ doesn’t want to let go of him. Not just yet. “Is anyone up already?”

He feels Bram push himself up, and then lie down again. “Not yet.”

“Let’s make a deal, then. We’ll get up when someone else does.” And he puts his arms back around his boyfriend.

Bram apparently doesn’t have any objection, because he wraps his arms around Simon too.

None of them goes back to sleep though, they just enjoy each other’s presence. Simon traces Bram’s features with his fingers. He knows his boyfriend is beautiful, but it’s even more striking in the early morning light. From time to time, they let their lips brush, having almost kisses like yesterday.

 

Until they hear Nick yawn and stretch. It’s fine, though. Simon is awake and ready to let go of Bram now.

 

 


	7. The first time they met a real-life superhero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'M'.
> 
> Also, Simon vs. is the only book of the series I've read so far, so Leah (as the rest of them) is going to take a different journey.

**Bram**

“You never try so hard to look hot when you and I are going on a date.”

“Oh my God, I wonder why,” Bram answers absentmindedly, finishing to button his shirt.

“That breaks my heart. Being your number two.”

Bram rolls his eyes at his best friend. “When I started dating Simon, you said, and those were your words, that you were fine becoming my number two. Even though you’re the only person numbering your friends, you know that?”

“First of all, I’m sure I’m not. Second, I don’t even need to number my friends to know you’re my number one. And finally, that weren’t my words. If you’re going to quote me, you need to do it right.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not saying that.”

“Oh, so, you do remember.” Then Garrett takes a falsely nostalgic tone. “That’s because back then I was your number one, and you listened to me.”

“You’re tiring,” Bram says, sitting next to Garrett. “Like an untrained puppy.”

“You love it,” Garrett replies taking his phone out. Bram smiles. He does sort of love it.

“You’ve been on your phone all day,” Bram notices. It’s unusual for Garrett. He is always saying that it’s only fine to be on your phone when you’re alone, but that it’s rude when socializing. He always says it jokingly, but Bram knows that he’s actually quite serious about that. “Who are you texting.”

“Leah.”

“Burke?”

“It’s the only Leah I know.”

Bram doesn’t know how he feels about that. Garrett has been crushing on Leah since way longer before he started crushing on Simon. But Leah never seemed interested. They did spend some time together the night of the sleepover, and she seemed to enjoy it, but she did not look like a girl falling in love. Or even crushing.

“Are you two a thing, now?” he asks, cautiously.

“I hear your tone, you know,” Garrett says. “What’s your problem with Leah?”

“I don’t have a problem with Leah. It’s just… out of the blue.”

Garrett stares at Bram, and his face starts Bram. There is no trace of cheekiness or sarcasm. There isn’t any outrageous fake emotion. There isn’t even a smile. He just looks serious. A bit tired too, maybe. It’s a look Bram has never seen before, and he doesn’t like it. It looks like Garrett is giving up.

“I know she doesn’t like me like that,” he says.

Bram could lie. He could try to cheer his best friend up. But what would be the point? Hurt him even more when things crumble down? Plus, he can’t lie to Garrett. Not because of some moral code he has, but because Garrett can see through his BS every time. So he simply asks “Then why are you pursuing it?”

“For the one percent chance I could change her mind.”

That’s fair enough. If Simon wasn’t already in love with him, Bram would want to be near him anyway. He would do everything he could to seduce him. He would even let Simon toy with his emotions just to be able to stare into those crazy eyes of his.

“And are you making progress?”

“No idea. She’s so moody that in the same day she can make me feel like her favorite person and her worst enemy.”

“Sounds confusing.”

Garrett shrugs. “It’s worth it, though. When she smiles, and it’s because of me, I feel like I’ve accomplished something.”

Bram never, ever, put Garrett into the ‘cute’ category before. But that was insanely cute. Garrett shakes his head slightly, like he’s snapping out of it. Message received. This part of the conversation is over.

Garrett looks at a book on Bram’s desk.

“What language is that?”

“French.”

“Since when do you speak French?”

“I really don’t. I take Spanish.”

“So why do you have a book in French?”

“It’s for Simon.”

“I didn’t know Simon spoke French.”

“I’ve seen his grades. He doesn’t.”

“Greenfeld… you’re driving me crazy. Why would you offer Simon a book in a language none of you speak?”

Bram shrugs. “It’s a long story.”

“Fine. Keep your French secrets.”

“I can only share with my number one,” Bram teases.

“Okay, Mr Sassy-Pants. I let you off the first time, but since you’re being cocky, my exact words were ‘I’m fine with Spier being your number one. As long as he sucks your cock.’ And I know that you two aren’t getting some dick action yet.”

“Alright. I’ll take the bait. How would you know that?”

“I’m your number two. You would have told me.”

Probably. “Not necessarily.”

“Then I guess I know because I’m creepy enough to notice that your body language with each other hasn’t changed yet since you two got together.”

Bram actually believes that behind his superficial façade, Garrett pays enough attention to people’s behavior to notice things like that. Bram wouldn’t even know what to look at to read someone’s relation to someone else from their body language. Unless they were really obvious. Maybe he’s just a very obvious virgin.

“Abe, you’re spiraling. I can see it on your eyebrows.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Should I start calling you ‘Babe’?”

Bram shows Garrett his middle finger. Garrett laughs and looks at his phone again. “Okay, time for me to go. I wouldn’t want to make you late to your date. After all, tonight might be the night Simon becomes your number one.” And he wriggles his eyebrows.

Looking at it objectively, Bram should hate Garrett. He his everything he hates in white jock boys. Thank God there is more to the boy.

 

Mrs Spier opens the door and a genuinely happy smile lights her face when she sees Bram.

“Bram, hi!”

“Hello, Emily.” Bram learnt. She doesn’t have to remind him to call her by her first name anymore. “Is Simon here?”

“Of course, he is. He is in his room.” She doesn’t even call for Simon anymore. She just lets Bram climb the stairs and knock on Simon’s door; which flies open almost instantly and a really smiley Simon greets Bram.

“Hi, Babe,” Simon says putting a kiss on Bram’s lips.

“Hi, Love.”

Simon sighs. “How come that the name I got for you comes from a joke, and the one you got for me comes from the most noble feeling of all?”

Bram kisses Simon again. “That’s because you’re the cynic, remember?”

Simon pulls Bram closer and the kiss is starting to get steamy. But they have plans to go out, the door is open, and Simon’s entire family is home. So Bram breaks the kiss, keeping his hands on Simon’s face for an extra moment.

“I have something for you,” Bram says, moving away to hand Simon the paper bag he brought.

“What’s that for?”

Bram shrugs. “For being the best boyfriend.”

“Then you should keep it,” Simon answers with a wink. Bram rolls his eyes, but he actually loves when Simon gets cheesy like that.

Simon get the book out and he looks surprised.

“It’s the first Harry Potter,” Bram explains. “In French.”

“Yeah… I got that. I know I suck at French, but it’s literally written Harry Potter on it. But… why?”

“Do you remember on our first date? You got me the British English version of Harry Potter. It was the perfect book for you because it’s Harry Potter, and because it had a twist that made you think of me. It’s the same thing here. When I see anything linked to Harry Potter, I think about you. Whenever I hear French, I think about Jacques.”

“Where did you find that?” Simon asks, visibly touched by the gift, and Bram is proud, like every time he can create an emotion in Simon.

“Online,” he answers, and he wishes he could have a more romantic answer. Simon blushes as if he regrets asking a stupid question.

“I can’t believe you got me something from Europe,” Simon comments.

“I didn’t,” Bram says, worried that he will disappoint Simon. “It comes from Canada.”

Simon sighs. “One day, I promise, you will give me a book and I won’t say anything stupid.” Bram laughs. There is something so precious about the way Simon goes through life. “Okay, we need to go,” Simon says. “Because I really want to kiss you again, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop this time.”

 

After leaving the restaurant, they still have time before driving back, so they decide to talk a walk through the city. Enjoy the evening now that it is finally getting warmer. Their previous dates have been going well, and they grew in confidence. They are still not doing any PDA, but they are walking holding hands.

Bram feels free, being able to do that. Being able to touch Simon creates a bubble around them. Bram makes a joke and Simon laughs. He loves making him laugh. Simon is the funny one, so amusing him always feels like a win.

Bram is just happy. Both right now, and more generally since Simon stormed into his life.

 

Bram’s subconscious understands that something is wrong before he can put his finger on it. He starts scanning the crowd, and he sees, maybe 500 feet away, a group of students. Five of them. They are older than Bram and Simon. Maybe university. They are in sports jackets. They look like football players, but one of them has a bat, so they might be from a baseball team.

The thing that makes Bram uncomfortable is the way they are looking at Simon and him. They are laughing, but it doesn’t look like a happy laugh. One of them is sort of pointing at them and the taller one is whispering something in the hear of the boy who is standing the straightest. Probably the team captain.

Bram wants to turn around. He wants to take his hand out of Simon’s. He wants to stop and stand here until they go away. But he won’t do any of that. He might be wrong, and he doesn’t want to let paranoia rule his life. If he’s right, he refuses to let himself be a victim.

Bram doesn’t mind being teased. He doesn’t mind being called names. He believes that words are just that, and that they only have the power we give them. If he is honest, though, he knows he hasn’t had to put that theory to the test. People have left him alone in school. Maybe because he wasn’t the first to come out, maybe because he is doing well in a sports team and that’s viewed as a positive masculine trait. But he also knows he won’t dodge it forever. At some point, it will be coming. Now or later, it doesn’t matter. He’s ready. But he really wants to protect Simon though. Simon was bullied in school after Martin outed him. Bram felt powerless then, and he feels powerless now.

Before he can decide what to do, the group is walking towards them. He feels Simon’s fingers tighten. He’s noticed them too.

Bram looks around. The street isn’t exactly empty, but it’s not like there is a crowd either. Would anyone intervene if it were to go badly?

As soon as the boys are close enough to be heard without shouting, the one that seems to be the team captain says: “Good evening, girls.”

Bram’s pragmatic brain is disappointed. He would have liked his first bashing to be more creative. Simon completely froze next to him, and Bram instinctively shifts his body slightly between Simon and the group of boys. “We don’t want any trouble,” Bram says calmly.

“Then, I guess you shouldn’t be looking for it,” the other boy replies. “Look, I’m an open-minded guy. I couldn’t care less what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. But in the street, where everyone can see, it’s a different issue. There are children here. They don’t need to see two fags holding hands.”

The word makes Bram angrier than he anticipated. He still doesn’t mind being targeted by name calling. But he refuses to let anyone sully his relationship with Simon. “I don’t think bullying is a better thing to display,” he answers. He knows, he _understands_ , that now is not the time to be cheeky. But it’s too late to take the words back.

“You think you’re funny, cocksucker?” another boy asks. This one sounds angry. Inebriated, maybe. This one would love the opportunity to get into a fight, Bram thinks.

Five to two. Five to one, really. Bram hopes that if one of them starts a fight, Simon will have the common sense to run. Fast. Bram is fast and athletic. But they probably are too. There is no way he’ll win this. But maybe if he throws the first punch…

A dark wide hand lands on Bram’s shoulder from behind as a deep voice whispers to him “Don’t do anything stupid, son.” Then the man takes another step. He is now between Bram and Simon, and the group of jocks. “Five against two? Is that the sporting rules they teach you in your team?”

The man is tall, muscular and has a deep guttural voice. His clothes are vibrantly colored, covered in sparkly sequins. He has one pendant earring which looks like an ice stalactite, catching every source of light from the busy street whenever he moves. His nails are painted on a blue-green color that reminds Bram of his former alias. His eyes are framed by thick lines of golden eyeliner that contrast nicely with his dark skin. He has a beard that’s accessorized with Viking-style pieces of ornaments.

There is nothing feminine about this man. There is nothing straight either.

If Bram was the kind of person to put people into boxes, he would have no idea how to classify this man. That’s why he loves him so much the moment he appears.

It might also be the real-life superhero thing.

If Bram didn’t already have a very specific type of oblivious, grey-eyed, bed-haired boys – boy, really – he could have a crush right now.

“We didn’t ask you anything princess,” the angry boy spits towards the man.

The man stares at him for a second and starts laughing. It’s a deep happy laugh, as if he heard the funniest joke. “Princess? Oh, my dear boy, if you don’t want me to kick your ass, you will have to learn some manners. Don’t let the glitters cloud your judgement. I could take all five of you and walk away without a scratch.”

The five boys exchange looks. They don’t look so confident anymore, and Bram feels Simon’s hand relax a bit in his.

“Here is what we’re going to do,” the man continues. “You are going to walk away, and we will all forget that we ever met one another. Option number two, I file a suit for sexual harassment for the cock sucking comment directed at what looks like an under-aged boy, and will contact the team that goes with that really distinctive logo. I’m sure they have a very strict policy regarding this kind of things.”

The boys exchange looks again, and decide to walk away, looking down one more time at Bram and Simon.

The man turns to them. “Are you alright, boys?”

“Yes sir. Thank you.”

“No ‘sir’ necessary. I’m Adisa.”

“Bram.”

“Simon.”

“Let me get you some coffee.”

“Thank you, but we’re fine, really.”

“You are. Now. In five minutes, your adrenaline is going to drop, and you won’t feel like that anymore. I don’t want any of you to be driving when that happens.”

Bram looks at Simon. They are both unsure.

“It’s just coffee, boys. Look, let’s go to that café, there. It’s great, the lady is lovely, and there is a massive window. I won’t be able to abduct any of you. Or we can go where teenagers usually go so it’s a familiar place for you. A Starbucks, maybe.”

 

Then end up going to the café Adisa showed them. Bram, force of habit, gets a hot chocolate. His crisis beverage. Simon is over the moon because they have oreo flavored hot chocolate. Adisa looks at the girl and before he can open his mouth, she says: “Yeah, yeah. The usual. I know.”

“Thanks, Sparkle.”

“No problem, Cookie.”

Okay, so clearly, they know each other. Calling this man cookie would never cross Bram’s mind.

Maybe Adisa was right. Maybe they needed this before driving home. Since they sat down, Bram feels really tired.

“So… what’s your story?” Adisa asks.

Bram and Simon share a look. Then they both smile. For the first time since Bram spotted the baseball players. Bram would like to answer Adisa’s question, but he wouldn’t even know where to start. He also knows that Adisa probably just asked to change their minds anyway.

“Well isn’t that cute. You two are so precious. Hold on to whatever it is you two have for as long as you can. You’re teenagers. Being in love is the only thing you have to worry about. So do that. Be in love. Real life will start soon enough, and trust me, it can be a bitch.”

“Yeah, we saw that,” Simon mumbles.

“Those five micro penises were nothing, boy,” Adisa says. “I’m not undermining what you’re feeling. You’re probably upset, and you should be. But you’ll get used to pricks like this. You’ll learn how to handle them. You’ll learn how to forget them as quickly as you met them. The worst is going to come from people you know. Comments that will either come in an environment where you feel safe, or even from a place of love. Being called princess by an idiot doesn’t bother me. When my mother asks me why I’m doing that to myself… that gets stuck in my head, you know…”

Bram glances at Simon. He doesn’t really talk about it, but he knows that his father’s jokes are still stored at the back of his mind more vividly than anything that happened in school.

Adisa seems to notice the look, because he says: “Is it that bad already? School or family?”

“Well…” Bram starts, just as Simon says, “It’s not that bad.” Simon looks at Bram. “It’s really not, Babe.”

“You don’t look like a ‘Babe’,” Adisa comments.

“You don’t look like a Cookie,” Bram replies.

Adisa has a big, honest, happy laugh. “I’m only her Cookie.”

“I’m only his Babe.”

Adisa’s eyes sparkle with glee for a moment. “You two are something. It was unfortunate circumstances, but I’m happy I got to meet you. Even just for coffee.”

As he says that, the waitress brings the drinks. Maybe it’s because his mom brainwashed him, but Bram feels better as soon as he gets a sip of his hot chocolate.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Simon replies, “but I’m happy too. Not only because you defused that entire situation, but because you’re actually quite entertaining to talk to.”

“Not as much as you two. You remind me about being young and at the top of the world.”

“I’m sure you were,” Bram comments. “You look like you know how to live life to the fullest.”

Adisa looks down at his clothes. “Yeah, I’m an eccentric. But I didn’t use to be. Not on the outside, anyways. I’m well into my forties. My teenage years were not your teenage years. When I was your age… people thought they were progressive, but they weren’t. Most people aren’t even progressive now. But back then… You didn’t see gay people on TV unless they were a joke, a friend of mine was caught wearing his sister’s dress and his dad beat him up so hard that he ended up in the hospital, but the police did nothing. They said it was a family issue. Plus, there was all that thing with AIDS. People were starting to talk about it, to research it, especially after they realized that it wasn’t only male homosexual and promiscuous women who could die from it, but it was still killing a lot of us.”

Adisa gets lost in his thoughts for a minute. “A lot of us,” he repeats, almost to himself. “So, yeah, it doesn’t matter if the two of you make it long term or not. If I have one advice to give you, it’s this one: always bag it.”

Simon’s cheeks get pink, but not bright red and Bram is a bit surprised. He gets it though. There is something about the man in front of them that makes him very comfortable.

“Ooooh, you two haven’t done the dirty deed yet, have you?”

Simon gets a shade darker and Bram really wants to kiss one of those cheeks.

“I remember how shit scared I was,” Adisa says. “But I’m guessing that it’s better now. With all their inclusive stuff, schools probably tell you all about everything.”

“They really don’t,” Bram replies. “But we got the most embarrassing sex talk with our mom’s. We get it. Always bag it. Every time.”

“Including oral,” Simon recites.

Adisa’s eyes grow a bit wider. “I guess… but if that’s the main line of your education, boys, you’re screwed. Or, in the contrary, you’re gonna find it difficult to be screwed.”

Bram exchanges a look with Simon. “What do you mean?”

“Every idiot knows about unprotected sex. It’s everywhere. It usually stops there because straight people don’t need much more than that. But if the two of you never dipped it anywhere else, condom is not really your main issue.”

There is a vivid contrast between the crude language Adisa can have and the caring look on his face. Bram, for a reason he doesn’t understand, trusts this man. He seems like he has gay knowledge to share. He looks like he wants to guide them. And Bram is sort of relieved to have someone that won’t tell him that sex should be safe and fun and leave it at that.

“Boys, I’m sure your moms meant well, but I’m also sure none of them has ever been a gay teenager. Condoms. Always. Get into the habit now. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but cheating happens. Don’t stop using condoms just because he’s your first boyfriend and he has sweet eyes. Of course there are the big bad ones like HIV, but there are the smaller ones you still don’t want to have. I once had to hold my mate’s hand as a nurse put a cue tip in his junk. His front junk. It did not look pleasant.”

Bram scrunches his nose at the idea. Maybe at this point it would be better to just let the disease kill him… On a more serious note, though, he would have died if his mom told him that story. But he isn’t really embarrassed talking about it to that flamboyant stranger.

“Still, when you’re going to try things out, you’ll need much more lube than you’ll need condoms. Most girls, bless them, come with a slide-in system installed. We do not.”

“How much do you need to… get in?” Simon asks, and Bram is surprised by his audacity. He would have pictured Simon staying silent in that conversation. Or trying to change the subject.

“As much as you need to feel comfortable. Okay, boys… do you want the full version on this?”

Bram looks at Simon. On one hand, it’s weird. Having this conversation with a stranger in a – thankfully empty – café. On the other hand, researching this on the Internet felt un-organic and cold, and Bram didn’t like it. And it’s not like anyone else can talk to them about it.

Simon nods.

“Okay. So if you’re going for the backdoor, you can’t just ‘get in’. Fingers first. With lube. Actually, you should do just that for a while. See if you like it. If you manage to make that good every time, then you can move on to a penis. Again, what’s the secret ingredients?”

“Condom and lube,” Bram recites.

“Well done mate. You will maybe have to stop a couple of times to refill on the lube. If it doesn’t slide, don’t force it. Ever. You don’t want to have o be reconstructed down there.”

Simon and Bram exchange a horrified look. Is that actually a thing?

“Don’t make that face, boys. It doesn’t happen frequently. And it won’t happen if you take your time and if the top pays attention to the bottom.”

Another shared look.

“Don’t worry about it, boys.”

“About what?”

“Any of it. In the moment, everything will fall into place. Try things. See what feels right. Stop doing what doesn’t and keep doing what does. Sex isn’t porn, and your sex life isn’t someone else’s sex life. Two of my friends are both top. They’ve been together twelve years. Plenty of sex. Just no penetration. My neighbor likes to have sex dressed in cosplay. Which I would be fine with if she had blinds on her windows. Don’t do what you think you’re supposed to do. Do what you want to do, and you’re both comfortable with doing. That’s the key to a good sex life.”

 

“Okay boys,” Adisa says after walking them to Bram’s car. “This is my card. I want you to do two things with it. Keep one to yourself and use it whenever you need. One thing I remember from being your age, is that I sometimes craves someone to talk to about stuff. Any time. I’ll pick up. And look at me. You know I won’t judge. Then you’re going to give the other one to your parents and have them call me. I want a chance to introduce myself and talk to them before they hear about the forty years old eccentric who talks to their boys about anal sex.”

Bram takes the cards Adisa got out of his wallet. “Thanks,” he says. “For the cards, for the chat, for the drinks, for your help before…”

“Yeah, thank you,” Simon adds. “It was surreal but nice.”

Adisa laughs again, and Bram realises that he really enjoys that sound. “When you get to my age, you’ll see that nothing seems surreal anymore. But please, stay this sweet as long as you can. Are you sure you’re good to drive?”

“Yeah, that’s fine, thanks.”

“Okay then. See you later, maybe. If not, have a nice life, boys. Make it worth it and extraordinary, because no one will do it for you.”

And off he goes.

“I could not have imagined him if I tried,” Simon comments.

“I know, right. He’s like a gay vigilante, isn’t he?”

Simon laughs. “You and your superhero complex, honestly…”

 

Bram is getting ready for bed when his phone buzzes. It’s Simon. Bram loves that after nearly four months, he still has butterflies when he sees Simon’s name on any kind of notification.

_So… today was something, right?_

_Yeah._

_I’m sorry about those guys._

_I’m sorry they ruined our night out._

_They really didn’t._

_The restaurant was great, you were amazing._

_They were just a hiccup along the way._

_So you’re fine?_

_I am._

_Promise._

_Promise on Halloween Oreos?_

_Promise on Halloween Oreos!_

_Promise on the Elliott Smith T-shirt?_

_Ooh. That’s a hard one._

_I promise on the Elliott Smith T-shirt._

_And you?_

_I’m fine._

_Sure?_

_I promise on the Elliott Smith T-shirt_ _😉_

_I believe you then._

_Plus… if we hadn’t met those guys, we also wouldn’t have met the gay vigilante._

_True._

_I gave his card to my mom._

_She’s been on the phone with him for an hour._

_Is he in trouble?_

_I don’t think so._

_I can’t tell what she’s saying, but I’ve heard her laugh._

_Impressive._

_So…_

_So?_

_It was weird, but…_

_At least that felt like a real sex talk._

_It did._

_Bram, I’m sorry._

_What for?_

_Taking this slow._

_You mean sex?_

_Yeah_

_Si, Love…_

_You’re not the only one taking this slow._

_I don’t want to rush into anything either._

_It’s not that I don’t want to._

_I really do._

_Especially with you._

_I love you._

_And… you look like that._

_I want to, too_

_And after tonight, for the first time, I feel nervous more than terrified when I think about it._

_I still don’t know if I’m ready._

_Hey, don’t stress yourself._

_It will happen when and if we both want it to._

_And it’s like he said._

_Baby steps._

_Next time we have an empty house, we can try things._

_It doesn’t mean we have to go all the way._

_I love you._

_I love you more._

_That’s not a thing._

_Okay, I’m gonna go, now._

_I have a book in French to read._

_That sounds fancy._

_Yep._

_I have a boyfriend who gets me fancy gifts._

_Lucky you._

_I know._

_He’s great._

_But I probably won’t really read the book._

_Why not?_

_I’ll be to busy thinking about all the things he’ll do to me next time we have an empty house._

_A little birdie told me he has quite a list planned._

_Does he?_

_Can I get a sneak peek?_

_Sorry._

_It’s classified at the moment._

_Fine._

_Then I guess I’ll have to create my own list._

_Of things you want me to do to you?_

_Of things I’ll do to you._

_Such as what?_

_Oooh…_

_So the teasing isn’t so fun when you’re on the other side, is it?_

_Well, I don’t know._

_It’s frustrating_

_But it also does things to me._

_Babe, you’re killing me._

_I guess taking care of that is definitely on my list._

_Okay, now, *you’re* killing me!_

_😉_

_Sweet dreams._

_Trust me, I will._

 

 

 

 


	8. The first time they went on a weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'M/E'  
> (I'm not entirely sure where the line is between the two.)

**Simon**

 

“Are you ready for this?”

“Only for you.”

Bram smiles at Simon and Simon relaxes somewhat. “It’s going to be fine.”

“Easy for you to say. I’d also like to point out that you had to do that once. Just once.”

“Oh, I’m sorry that my parents being divorced is inconvenient for you,” Bram teases.

“Okay… let’s do this.”

Simon is about to open the car door when Bram’s hand grabs his arm and pull him for a kiss.

“For good luck,” he says before leaving the car.

Bram and Simon drove to Savannah after school on Friday to stay for an extended weekend. Bram’s stepmother has a family reunion. Her parents wanted the family to be together one last time before the baby comes. When Bram asked Simon to come with him to meet his father, Simon wasn’t sure. Meeting the parents is one thing. Meeting the entire family is something else completely. But then Bram told him that it was not his idea, but his father’s. Simon felt honored that Bram’s father wanted to include Simon in a _family_ event, and it would also be rude to refuse.

So here they are.

 

Bram take their bags out of the trunk and Bram gets the house keys out of his jacket pocket. Simon never thought about it before, be he is happy to know that Bram has the keys to his father’s house. It could seem obvious, but he also knows that they celebrate Hanukkah in a hotel, so it wouldn’t be a given that Bram would consider this house his.

“Dad?” Bram calls as they enter in the lobby.

A man walks out of a room and greets them with a wide smile. He doesn’t really look like Bram. But there is something in the cheekbones and in the eyes.

“Bram!”

He hugs Bram briefly, and hands out a hand to Simon. “And you must be Simon.”

“Nice to meet you Mr Greenfeld,” Simon says shaking his hand.

“Only my students call me that. Richard will do.”

“Sure. Richard.”

A woman, with a stomach so massive it can’t be comfortable, joins them. “And this is Stacey,” Richard introduces.

Simon shakes her hand as well, and then she looks at Bram. “I’d give you a hug, sweetheart, but it’s a whole logistic at the moment.”

Bram has a small, shy smile that he only ever uses with strangers and figures of authority. “Don’t worry about it. You look…”

“Huge,” she finishes.

“It’s not what I was going to say.”

“Of course, not. You’re way too polite to say it, and probably too sweet to think it. That’s true regardless.”

Their dynamic is odd. She’s trying too hard, and Bram doesn’t really give anything back. Simon realizes that they never really discussed her, or the baby, since they started dating. It makes him feel uneasy. He wants to be Bram’s boyfriend. Not just the kissing and going to the cinema kind. The real kind. Maybe they need to work on getting a bit closer to what Jacques and Blue used to have.

“Your bedroom is ready,” Richard tells Bram. You two might want to put your things in there.

Bedroom. Singular. Simon is really liking the prospect of sharing a bed with Bram for three nights. Loving it, even.

 

Bram’s bedroom here isn’t that different from the one he has at his mom’s. It’s a bit less personal, maybe. The walls have fewer decorations, there is only one picture of him and his father with Bram holding a medal for something. There are books everywhere, though. That’s very Bram. That’s very Blue.

For some reason, it makes Simon wonder about the times Blue emailed him from this very room.

Simon takes a few more steps in the room and stops.

“Uh… Babe?”

“What?” Bram asks, joining Simon in the bedroom. But he stops right where Simon stopped and looks at the same thing. On the nightstand is a box of condoms and a bottle of lube.

“I’m going to talk to my dad,” Bram says.

“What? Why?”

“Because if he wants to have a sex talk, that’s fine, but I’m not making you sit through another one.”

Simon smiles as Bram leaves the room. Isn’t that twenty-first century chivalry?

 

Bram comes back after five minutes.

“How was the sex talk? At least it was short, right?”

“There wasn’t one,” Bram explains. “Apparently, my mom told him that we were all good about safe sex, whatever that means, and my dad apparently understood that as a ‘better safe than sorry’ situation. His words were something like him remembering being seventeen and that not having protection would not have kept him from having sex.”

“Well… Clearly. Have you seen your stepmom?”

Bram’s entire face puckers. “Nope. Please don’t.”

Simon smiles, but changes the subject. “So… One bed. Condoms. Clear invitation to have sex. I wouldn’t have expected less from the man who got you the biography of Casanova.”

“It was a surprisingly interesting read. But yeah, it’s a bit weird. Then again, it’s better than being shoved in two different bedrooms.”

“I don’t know. I think I would have liked that.”

“Sleeping in different bedrooms?”

“No. Having to brave an interdiction to sneak in your bed at night and fall asleep in your arms.”

Bram’s eyes sparkle. “It’s called the forbidden fruit effect,” Bram says. “People tend to want more what they can’t have.”

Simon is pretty sure that he wants Bram equally all the time. He wants to be with Bram more now than he wanted to be with Blue when he couldn’t have him. But he understands what he means.

“Then again,” Bram adds, “maybe for gay people, there is always a sense of forbidden.”

Simon slides closer to Bram and kisses him softly. “Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you are smart?”

Bram chuckles and his cheeks get a shade darker. “I don’t think you have.”

“Well I find you sexy when you’re smart. Is it weird?”

“It’s not. I find you sexy when you’re smart too.”

“I’m really not the smart one in our relationship though.”

“Of course you’re smart!” Bram says looking at Simon. Then he puts a kiss on Simon’s neck. “And kind.” Another kiss. “And funny”. Kiss. “And pretty.” Kiss. “And hot.” No kiss this time, but Bram suddenly straddles Simon and looks at him with dark eyes.

“I’m not hot,” Simon tries to say, but the words don’t quite make it out of his mouth because Bram is kissing him again. Simon’s hands travel down to grab Bram’s ass and Bram groans against Simon’s lips, and…

“Boys, dinner’s ready!”

Bram groans again, from frustration this time. Simon is just happy that Bram’s father called them and didn’t come to tell them in person.

Then again, maybe that’s because he knew what might be happening behind the door, and that’s equally mortifying.

 

“So, Simon, are you going to convert to Judaism?” Bram’s father asks as he is cutting the chicken.

Simon just freezes. He doesn’t know what to say. He knows he’s definitely not converting to any religion any time soon, but… is it something he should have discussed with Bram? Bram rarely discusses religion. Almost everything he knows from Bram’s faith, he knows from Blue. They really need to work on their communication. Find their way back to who they used to be.

They should become _more_ instead of just becoming _different_.

Every second that passes makes Simon feel like he’s failing Mr Greenfeld’s test.

“Dad, leave him alone,” Bram says. “Simon, ignore him. He thinks he’s funny. Just like your dad.”

“That’s the prerogative of every father,” Richard say. “Make jokes that embarrass their teenagers. Preferably in front of friends or love interests.”

“You would really like my dad,” Simon comments.

“I’m sure I would. Bram told me a little about your family. They seem delightful.” Well, then Bram has been hiding the truth. But Simon is obviously _not_ going to say _that_ , especially not _now_. “He also mentioned that you were in a play at school. I don’t know if he told you, but I’m an English teacher.”

“Yes, he mentioned it. But the play wasn’t a classic, it was a musical.”

“Oh, you sing, then?” Stacey asks.

“Absolutely not. I had a small part. I didn’t have any lines. Still, it was an exciting project.”

“Great mindset,” Richard approves. And there are no small parts. If they were important enough to be written, they are important enough to be played.”

“Our stage manager told me that, once.”

At the corner of his eye, Simon sees Bram shift in his seat. His reactions to Cal Price being mentioned are always unpredictable. Sometimes he looks annoyed, sometimes hurt, sometimes proud, sometimes he doesn’t realize. Not that Cal Price comes up often, but they go to the same school, so he is a part of their environment.

“Maybe we can go see the next one,” Richard says. Then he looks at Stacey. “Well… maybe not you, dear.”

“No. I don’t think Simon would enjoy getting his thunder stolen by a screaming baby.”

Simon isn’t sure about that. He would love to see Taylor’s face if that happened.

“When is the baby due?”

“Mid-June,” she answers. “Three more weeks.”

“You don’t sound excited,” Simon notices before realizing that it was maybe a nosy thing to say.

“I’ve enjoyed being pregnant. But I’m ready for it to be over. It’s tiring, my body feels like a human incubator, it’s globally uncomfortable… So I’m excited for the baby. Not so much for the time leading to it.”

“It?”

“We wanted to keep the surprise,” she replies. “People said that it would be easier if we knew. For the nursery, the clothes, the toys… That really annoyed me. The nursery is light blue, because it’s soothing, for both boys and girls, the clothes came in all sorts of colors. My mother got me a dress and body saying “Mommy’s boy”. That child is going to wear both. It’s not like people can tell a baby’s sex by looking at it anyway, and we are not going for a fashion statement either. As for the toys… it’s teddy bears for now, and then it’s going to be learning activities. No need to have a gender for that.”

“Please excuse my wife, she gets really worked up about that.”

She smiles at her husband and shrugs.

But Simon doesn’t want to excuse her. He wants to support her. She’s right. He likes her much better than a few minutes ago.

“Boys, do you want any dessert?”

“No, thanks,” Bram says. “The drive tired me, and I’d just like to go to bed.”

“Sure, no problem.”

Bram starts clearing the table when his father says: “Leave it. I’ll do it. Go rest up, we have a long weekend planned.”

“Thanks, Dad. Stacey. Good night.”

“Yes, thank you for dinner,” Simon says.

“Don’t mention it. See you tomorrow.”

 

Simon enters the bedroom, ready for bed after a shower, but freezes as he closes the door.

Lying on the bed, Bram is reading a book in his boxers. This vision is a mix of all of Simon’s fantasies. They are in a bedroom with a closed door. Bram is _in a bed_. He is quite deep in his book, because he hasn’t looked at Simon yet, and there is something about Bram being grammatical or reading that always take Simon back to Blue. But also… the body… Simon has never seen Bram with so few clothes before. He never pictured dating an athlete, but damn… the calves… the thighs… the abs… the chest… the arms…

Simon looks away before entirely treating his boyfriend like a piece of meat.

Then he is feeling a bit nervous. He’s wearing sweatpants and the Elliott Smith T-shirt. Should he stay in his pajamas, which are absolutely _not_ on the sexy side, or get in his boxers like Bram? Then again, it’s not like he would be closer to the sexy side then. There is also the issue of what is happening down there that he wouldn’t be able to hide if he was in his underwear.

“Simon? Are you alright?” Bram put the book down and is now looking at Simon who has probably been looking at his toilet bag for a ridiculously long time now.

“I… I think I’m freaking out a little bit.”

Bram’s eyebrows lift from the surprise. “Why?”

Simon vaguely gestures towards Bram and the bed. He can see on Bram’s face that he gets it. How lucky is he that his boyfriend can understand him without having to put words on it? Because he’s not sure he could find the words to explain why going to lie down next to his wonderful, gorgeous boyfriend suddenly feels like too much.

“Nothing has to happen, Simon. I’m perfectly happy with just sleeping with you.” There is a second and then Bram blushes. “And I really do mean sleeping… not the sexual kind.”

Simon can feel a smile spreading on his lips. His nervousness is fading away. It’s Bram. Everything is fine.

He lies next to Bram. The bed is large enough that they don’t have to touch. Bram puts his book away and gets on his side so he can face Simon.

“Should we… talk about it?”

Simon nods. “You know I’m not ready. But I want more.”

“Me too. I want to feel closer to you. Also, I… I would really like to make you come.” Bram blushes after saying that and Simon’s brain can’t pick between finding this sentence absolutely cute, or the hottest thing he’s ever heard.

Well… apparently it can, because his lower body is waking up.

“I remember you texting me that you had a list of things you would do to me the next time we would be alone,” Simon says. “I know it’s not an empty house, but maybe you can tell me more… just in case you dad takes your stepmother grocery shopping at some point this weekend.”

Bram smiles. This is easier than Simon thought it would be. He’s not nervous anymore. At all. He wants to reach out to Bram and touch him. In all the ways the word could mean.

“I told you,” Bram teases. “It’s classified.”

“Oh, it’s still a secret, is it? When will I get enough clearance to access this list?”

“When I’ll do it to you.”

There is this mischievous light in Bram’s eyes that Simon loves to see.

“But I want us to trust each other,” Bram says. “I want to make sure that we’re on the same page. So… I don’t know… Why don’t we say that anything that would require my dad’s supplies is off limit for now?”

Simon glances at the now empty nightstand. “Yeah. That sounds like a plan.”

Bram slides a bit closer to Simon and they stare at each other for a moment, their noses touching.

“What if… what if you don’t like what I’m doing?” Simon asks.

“If you start doing something I don’t want you to, I’ll tell you. And I want you to do the same. But if you mean… performance-wise… that’s a silly thought. Sometimes, when we’re making out, it feels like if you brushed against my dick, it would be enough to make me come.”

Bram looks a little embarrassed, but he shouldn’t. Simon knows what he means. Some days, he feels like he could catch on fire just from Bram’s touch. That calms his insecurities. For the first time, it occurs to him that Bram might enjoy what they’re doing just as much as he does.

Simon closes the gap between the two of them and kisses Bram. The kiss quickly shifts from sweet to intense.

“Bram… maybe we should slow down…”

“I thought you wanted more.”

“I do, but… what about you dad?”

“It’s a big house,” Bram replies. “We just need to be quiet.”

A hot wave washes over Simon’s entire body. He lets Bram pull him closer. He can feel that Bram is getting hard, and Simon realizes that he is too. Not halfway like when they were talking, but really hard.

He breaks the kiss to take off his top, and he follows Bram’s lead when he pulls at his sweatpants. Now they are both in their boxers.

Bram takes a moment to look at Simon, and his eyes darken noticeably. Then he locks gaze with Simon, and they stare at each other for a moment, simply breathing together. Simon has to look down because the way Bram stares at him feels like too much. He looks at his boyfriend’s defined muscles, the lovely colour of his skin, the way his chest moves up and down faster than usual, the bump in his boxers…

“I want to see you,” Simon whispers.

Bram nods, looking a little nervous. But he takes his underwear off. He is now fully naked. It’s hotter and less intimidating than Simon thought it would. He’s not embarrassed to directly look at it. It looks glorious. It’s probably a bit bigger than Simon’s, not enough to give him a complex. After all, Bram is taller than him.

“Now you,” Bram says in a husky, breathy voice.

Simon obeys. He feels a bit self-conscious as he does this, but the way Bram looks at him fills him with confidence. He suddenly feels hot, sexy and bold. He pulls Bram in and starts kissing him. The taller boy is half lying on Simon, and Simon can feel his penis against his leg.

The first time he fantasized about one of those, he felt confused, and lost. For a moment, a bit disgusted, maybe. Because he knew it wasn’t what he was supposed to be into. He doesn’t feel like that anymore. Right here, right now, there is nothing he wants more than to touch, _really touch_ , Bram.

So, he does. Simon moves his hand down Bram’s torso, and he can hear his boyfriend catch his breath.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Simon whispers.

“Please don’t,” Bram answers. “Don’t stop.”

Simon puts his lips back on Bram’s as he wraps his fingers around Bram’s length. Bram shivers and moans softly. That makes Simon feels so good. Knowing that Bram enjoys even such a small touch from him. He wants more. So he starts moving his hand.

Bram breaks the kiss and puts his lips next to Simon’s hear. “Can I touch you too?” Simon could die right now, he thinks. That’s what it feels like.

“Yes, please.”

And Bram’s hand is on him, moving too, copying Simon’s rhythm. Simon remembers all the times he thought about Blue, then Bram in an inappropriate way. He actually had no idea. This is so much better than he could picture.

Bram moves his lips to his neck and Simon is starting to have a hard time to keep track. Everything feels so good, but he wants to keep focusing on what he’s doing to Bram, but he also needs to make sure that the noise level remains under control.

Soon, Bram stops kissing his neck and is just panting against Simon, and his noises, however faint, are driving him crazy. Just enough to… “Babe, I’m going to…” Bram’s hand starts moving faster and it’s all it takes. Simon is coming, burying he’s noises in the pillow.

Apparently, Bram enjoys that image, because Simon can feel him come all over his hand.

 

And the world gets quiet.

 

After a few seconds, Bram’s lips are back on Simon’s.

“I love you, Simon.” Bram is out of breath, and he has never sounded sexier.

“I love you too. I love you more.”

Bram smiles. “That’s not a thing,” he answers, brushing Simon’s hair out of his face with his clean hand. “You’re so pretty…”

“I’m all sweaty, and I probably look like a mess,” Simon laughs.

“True. But that’s the prettiest mess I’ve ever seen.”

Bram opens the drawer of his nightstand and gets some wipes out. He gives one to Simon.

“Oh, I see you were prepared…”

“I wasn’t… I wasn’t _expecting_ anything, but I was _hoping_ that we might need some of those.”

It makes Simon feel funny in his stomach to know that Bram has been thinking about it. That he was planning for something to happen. That he might have touched himself in anticipation of this. That, maybe, Simon found him here in his underwear because he was trying to seduce Simon.

Simon cleans himself up and puts his pajama back on.

“I really love when you’re wearing that shirt,” Bram says.

“So do I,” Simon confesses whilst coming back in bed to curl up against a now more decently dressed Bram. “It makes me feel close to you when you’re not here.”

“I’m here now.”

“Yeah, but I know you like seeing me in it.”

Bram smiles and holds Simon closer, starting to rub the nape of his neck. “It was my first gift to you. I couldn’t find the courage to tell you who I was, and it was the only way I could think of to connect to you. Plus, you were wearing it the night I finally had it in me to come to you. I think if you hadn’t been wearing it, I wouldn’t have joined you in the Tilt-A-Whirl. I would just have waited for the ride to end and talked to you afterwards. That was my plan. But you were there, with your crazy hair, the loveliest half-smile on your lips, and that shirt… It made my heart swell. I couldn’t wait an extra second.”

“I was so worried for you in that ride. I honestly thought you were going to throw up.”

“That would have killed the mood, huh?”

“Maybe a bit. But it wouldn’t have changed anything. Not you waiting for the ride to end. Not you throwing up on me. I would have wanted you anyway.”

“I believe you. But I’m still glad we managed this vomit-free.”

“Me too, Babe.”

Simon feels that he’s falling asleep. It’s been a long day, a long drive, a lot of pressure meeting another part of Bram’s family, and then _that_ happened with Bram. Plus, now, there are those magic fingers massaging his neck. But there is something he needs to say before he forgets.

“Bram?”

“What’s up, Love?”

“I love you. And I love how you’re always doing those amazing things for me. Riding the Tilt-A-Whirl seemed like a crazy romantic thing to do. You doing something out of your comfort zone for me. But then last time we were in Atlanta… when we saw those boys… I noticed what you did.”

“What did I do?”

“You stepped between me and them.”

“Simon…”

“Bram… it’s not like you could have fought all five of them. I understand you wanting to do those things for me, but… I also need you to be safe. I don’t want you to stop being brave and stepping out of your comfort zone, because that’s important, but… promise me that you won’t ever do anything stupid for me.”

“Who’s the smart one now?”

“Bram, I’m serious.”

“I know. I will admit that sometimes, you make it hard for me to think with my rational brain. But it’s not like you’re describing. I joined you in the ride because I knew I could handle it. I closed my eyes and I focused on breathing. That works for me. And I stood between you and those guys because I wanted to protect you if things went south. But I wasn’t looking for a fight. I was ready to run away from them if we had to.”

“Okay, then.”

It’s really not his most inspired answer. But he can’t fight it anymore. He’s properly falling asleep. Bram laughs quietly against his head.

“Good night, Love.”

“ ‘Night.”

And Simon falls asleep, happy. Yes. It was a good day.

 

 

 


	9. The first time they went to a family event

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter 'M/E'  
> (Still not sure where the line is.)

**Bram**

 

Bram wakes up absolutely content. There is Simon’s warm body against him, still breathing deeply and evenly, and the memories of their night together. He shifts slowly to be able to look at Simon’s face, and there is this feeling in his chest that seems to take all the room. Will that ever go away? Is ever going to be _used_ to Simon?

He really hopes not.

Bram thinks back at all those lunches he used to look at Simon and hoped that he could be with him some day, knowing that it was nothing more than daydreaming. And here they are.

Memories of last night come rushing in his mind. Simon’s nervousness and how it faded away enough for Simon to be the one to be touching first. The sounds he was muffling but than Bram could hear anyway. And, the face he made when he came. They could break up today and Bram would still remember that face until the day he dies.

Simon’s breathing gets a little more irregular and Bram knows he’s about to wake up. He put his lips on Simon and, soon enough, the other boy is kissing him back.

“Good morning,” Bram whispers.

“Morning Babe.”

“Do you want to get breakfast?”

“Not really.”

Fine. Morning make out session it is, then.

 

After breakfast, Bram takes Simon for a walk through Savannah. The old town is absolutely charming and Bram realizes that he misses it. He likes Atlanta, and he likes the friends he made there. He loves that he found Simon. But he also enjoys the charm of a smaller, less dense city.

Simon seems to like it, and it is quite a romantic decor for a day out as a couple. But they don’t touch. They don’t hold hands. They haven’t done that in public since their encounter with those boys in Atlanta. They simply walk really close to each other.

After a couple of hours walking around and Bram telling Simon some of his childhood memories as they pass the places they happened, they decide to stop for lunch.

That’s when Simon makes his serious face. It makes Bram a bit uneasy, but it also makes him want to laugh.

“Babe… you know that thing your dad said yesterday?”

His father said a lot of things yesterday, but Bram knows exactly what Simon is talking about. “I told you to ignore him.”

“I know, and I know he was joking, but… the last time you talked to me about being religious was in an email. And… I don’t know… religion is not a big factor in my life. At all. So it’s easy to forget about it, sometimes. I just feel like I should have talked to you about it. I don’t really know how religious you are. Or if that joke your dad made has any truth in it.”

Bram is touched that Simon takes this so seriously. He might also be the first person to have aver asked Bram to put words on his faith. “Okay, first of all, no one is expecting you to convert to anything. Nor wants you to. I told you, I’m not even Jewish technically, because it’s a matrilineal religion, and my mother is Episcopalian. And before you ask, nobody is expecting you to convert to that either. To be Jewish, I would have to convert.”

“Is that something you would like to do?”

Bram takes a moment to think about it. “I don’t think so. I like the spirituality. Of both my parents’ religions. I also like the tradition. When we celebrate Hotel Hanukkah with my dad, I like being a part of this intense, rich culture and history. But I also feel like that when I celebrate Christmas with my mother.”

“Does it bother you that I’m not religious?”

“No, it doesn’t. You are not religious, but you are a kind, caring person. That’s pretty much what faith wants you to be.”

Simon smiles and he genuinely looks a bit happier. “I’m sure there is more than that.”

“There is. And look… if one day you want to convert, we can talk about it. But I never believed in converting for a relationship. It should come from you because you found faith, not because you want to please me, or my family. Or because my Dad made a joke. Plus, again, I’m not even technically Jewish.”

Simon nods. “Does that bother your dad? That his children don’t share his religion.”

Isn’t that the million dollars question? “My father married my mother even when he knew she wasn’t going to convert, and he still taught me tradition, so I think he’s fine with it. But Stacey is Jewish, so Little Fetus will be too.”

“And that bothers you.”

It’s not a question. Simon is probably better at reading Bram than Bram thought. “It doesn’t bother me exactly. It’s more that… I don’t know. We barely see each other, he is building this entirely new family, and I’m not sure where I fit in all of this.”

“He still loves you.”

“I know he does. But we already celebrate Hanukkah in a hotel, and his wife is pregnant, and I’m afraid that he’s going to be caught up in baby things whilst I’m busy at university, and we’ll develop one of these relationships where you only see each other once a year, and you just have polite conversations.”

“Then don’t let that happen. I have two sisters. I can assure you, there is room in your dad’s life for more than one child. And your stepmom… I don’t think you like her very much, but I don’t think she’s trying to build that family without you.”

“I know she’s not. I don’t dislike Stacey, I just… I want to make this easy on my mom. She kept my dad’s last name after the divorce, and I never asked, but there is this chance that he left her for Stacey, and… I don’t know, sometimes it’s hard to bond with her. I know that none of it has to do with who she is, it’s just… poor circumstances.”

Simon takes Bram’s hand, and Bram squeezes it hard. It feels like having Jacques back. Bram didn’t really realize it, because they are technically the same person, and because being with Simon has been so incredible, but he missed him.

A waiter arrives and they break contact. But the waiter has a nice smile on his face. He even calls them lovebirds, and there is nothing mocking or sarcastic about it. For most people, it would be a detail, but it makes Bram happy. He notices that after the waiter’s gone, Simon’s smiling too.

“You know that dinner tonight with, like, your entire family?” Simon asks as they start eating.

“What about it?”

“It just occurred to me that if your dad’s family and your stepmom’s family are going to be there, then her cousins are going to be there too.”

Uh-oh. Bram doesn’t like _at all_ where this is going.

“Possibly.”

“Is Mr Sexual Awakening going to be there?”

“Possibly,” Bram replies. To be honest, he had thought about that eventuality. He was just hoping that Simon wouldn’t. But Simon is still smiling. He’s just teasing Bram.

“I can’t wait to see what I’m up against.”

Now, that is a ridiculous prospect. “You’re not up against anyone, Simon. It’s you. It’s been just you. For so long, that I don’t even know how to look at other people, anymore.”

Simon blushes, and Bram loves it.

 

When they get back to the house, it’s nearly time to get ready for the dinner. It’s not formal, really, but there will be a lot of people and Stacey’s family is a bit posh, so Bram wants to make an effort. It’s also his first family event with Simon. Or with a boyfriend. Or as gay.

Simon is in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, and Bram has just finished getting ready. He walks to the living room where Stacey is reading.

“Hi, Bram. Your father is getting dressed.”

Bram hates this interaction. He doesn’t know if she said that because she doesn’t want to spend time with him, or because she thinks that he doesn’t. Either way, the awkwardness is there, nearly palpable between them.

“And Simon should be ready soon.”

“He’s nice,” she says but the sentence could be heartfelt as it could be generic. Again, Bram doesn’t know where he stands. It’s very frustrating.

“He is,” he agrees.

She seems about to say something, but then doesn’t, and they just wait in silence for Simon and Bram’s dad to be ready. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, Bram doesn’t mins silence, but it’s not comfortable either. It doesn’t feel like a chosen quiet like he can have with Simon, his mom, or even Garrett.

 

The family reunion takes place in a room that Stacey’s mom rented from her local synagogue. They usually take place at her house, but this time the Greenfelds are also invited, so it’s more convenient this way.

When they arrive, he can see that Simon is nervous. Bram squeezes his fingers as they are leaving the car and asks: “Only for me?”

Their catchphrase makes Simon smiles. “You know it.”

 

They get in and there are two long tables set for the dinner, but also a space for people to mingle. Bram can’t help but think that it looks like the setting of a cheap wedding reception.

That’s when he sees his grandmother a few feet away. He has been avoiding her calls lately, pretending he was busy with school, because he didn’t know how to talk to her about Simon. He obviously can’t change the past, so there’s no time like the present.

“Hi Grandma.”

“Abraham!”

Bram told her a million times that he prefers Bram, but she ignores him. She keeps telling him that he should wear proudly his biblical name. That specific point reminds Bram that she is both strong-willed and traditional.

Maybe he should have come out to her before, or asked his father to talk to her, instead of showing up to a family event with a boyfriend. If this doesn’t go well, it wouldn’t be fair to her, to Simon, to his father, and even to Stacey.

“Grandma, this is Simon. He’s… he’s my boyfriend.” Bram hates that he stuttered.

“One word, or two?”

“Sorry?”

“I’m asking you if he’s your friend for school and a boy, which I could have noticed without you, or if you brought it to a family event because you are courting him.”

Bram isn’t sure if courting is the word he would use to describe his relationship with Simon, but he says: “One word. We are a couple.”

And his heart beats a bit louder. Bram has always gotten along with his grandmother. She is a smart, fierce, educated woman whose opinion he always valued. But this is a turning point. Like every time he came out or will come out. She can love him anyway, or reject him for something that would never even concern her.

But she smiles faintly and nod. She doesn’t seem happy or unhappy about it. It’s more like she’s acknowledging the information.

“Annie Greenfeld,” she says, handing out a hand to Simon.

“Simon,” he replies, shaking her hand.

“You look intelligent, Simon. Are you intelligent?”

“Uhm. I think so? Then again, most people think they are intelligent.”

“And that’s an intelligent answer. I like you.” She turns to Bram. “I like him.” Then she glares at Bram. “Why are you making that face?”

“I don’t know, I thought…”

“That you were the first homosexual I ever met? I’m sorry to disappoint you, Honey, but I’ve lived a long life before you were even conceived, and I have a television. Plus, gays are like couches. Every family has one.”

Out of all the things she could have said, this is _not_ something Bram would have anticipated.

“Well, at least it doesn’t matter that he a goy. Oh, your aunt is here. I’ll go say hello. Bram, try to sit next to me at dinner, you’re the least boring in this family. Simon, I am counting on you to take care of him.”

“Yes Ma’am.” As she walks away, Simon shifts closer to Bram and whispers: “Did your grandma compare us to pieces of furniture?”

“I… believe so. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve been called worse.”

Bram looks at Simon and his soft smile. He really wants to kiss him right now. So he does. A fleeting kiss, softer than the wings of a butterfly, quicker than those of a hummingbird. It’s enough to make Bram happy and Simon blush.

“And… hum… what’s that line about it being okay for me not to be Jewish?”

“If I’m gay, it doesn’t matter the religion of my partner, even if we have kids.”

“Because Judaism is matrilineal,” Simon recalls.

“Exactly. So even if you were Jewish, it wouldn’t mean our children would be.”

“That’s something you would want?”

“Jewish children?”

“Yeah. Or, you know… just children.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. I mean, I have, I guess, just… not seriously. I’m gay, I’m in high school, until recently I was single… Why, is it something you want?”

“I think so. I don’t know. I come from a happy white picket fence family. It’s a pattern that’s pretty engraved in my mind.”

Bram can’t help but smile at this lovely boy who sees family as a possibility before seeing all the obstacles that might come their way.

 

The evening is going smoothly. Bram’s cousins are getting along with Simon, he seems to be having fun, and he hasn’t yet asked about Mr Sexual Awakening, as he calls him.

Bram isn’t in a rush for that question, because he is here, with his wife and their baby, and he isn’t sure if he looks like Simon or not, nor which option would be a good thing.

They sit down to eat with Bram’s grandmother and she doesn’t compare them to furniture anymore, and she doesn’t call him a goy again. She is more interested in Simon that Bram, but he is fine with it. He wants his family to like his boyfriend.

 

After the starter, Bram asks Simon if he wants to stretch his legs and go get some air with him. Bram doesn’t really need to stretch his legs. He just wants to steal a few minutes alone with Simon. At the back of the room, there is a small garden and people have been coming and going, especially smokers. When they get there, it’s almost empty, but Stacey is there, nervously touching her stomach, and Bram recognizes it as a sign of stress.

He is about to ask her what’s wrong when he sees what’s wrong. His father is apparently having a heated argument with no other than Mr Sexual Awakening.

“And then he shows up with that boy? He can make all the choices he wants in private, and you can welcome that in your house if you want to, but you don’t have to expose your son’s unholy choices to our family.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Peter. Which century do you live in. I would support my son if this was his choice, but who would choose to be judged their entire life? This is not a choice, this is who he is.”

It’s the first time Bram hears his father put words on his homosexuality. He doesn’t have time to process them, though, because Mr Sexual Awakening is talking again. “Really? Then tell me this. When did he tell you about his homosexuality? Actually don’t. I will tell you. It was soon after knowing about the baby, wasn’t it?”

It was. But it’s not how it happened. It’s not the timeline. He had been emailing Simon, or Jacques, long before that. He’s twisting the facts, and Bram doesn’t know how to explain that without looking like he’s trying to justify himself.

“And that other boy… You heard him. He’s a middle child. They always are the attention seekers.”

Now, that’s different. That’s an attack against Simon. Bram can’t have that. He’s about to say something when he feels Simon’s fingers gently wrap around his wrist. He’s asking him to stay still. So Bram does.

Still… the whole thing stings. Hard. Adisa was right. It’s worse when it happens somewhere you’re supposed to feel safe.

The one thing that really helps right now, is the boy standing behind him, by him, supporting him through this.

“Peter, I am happy to respect your opinion, but I am politely asking you to respect mine, and more importantly to respect my son and his boyfriend.”

Mr Sexual Awakening rolls his eyes and that’s when he sees the two boys. He used to ignore Bram, but now in his eyes there is anger, and maybe disgust, and that makes Bram sick, for history reasons.

“Perfect timing, boys. So, Bram, tell your dad.”

“Tell my dad what?” Bram’s voice is steady and emotionless. He’s happy about that, because he’s not ready to be bullied by extended family.

“Why you want to make things all about you. Is it because of the baby? Or did you want to be that unique. Black from your mother, Jewish from your dad… that wasn’t enough for you?”

Bram remembers Garrett making a similar comment. From Garrett, it was a joke, easy and somewhat funny. It came from a place of love. This doesn’t. It’ not even a joke. It’s an attack. It’s funny how the same thing can be both used and perceived differently in different situations.

Simon’s fingers tighten around Bram’s wrist. Bram doesn’t have to look at his boyfriend’s face to know that it’s from anger. He’s about to say something back, stand up for himself, when his father’s fist enters in contact with Mr Sexual Awakening’s face.

Bram is petrified in chock as Mr Sexual Awakening struggles to maintain balance. His father, composed English professor, just punched someone. For him.

That’s when Stacey steps in. “Richard, stop this.”

“Your husband just hit me!”

Stacey turns to her cousin, and says. “Yes, that was unfortunate. Physical violence is never an answer. But you were sort of begging for it.”

“You’re going to take _his_ side?”

“Of course, I’m not. It’s not the 1920’s anymore, I am not going to take my husband’s side just because we’re married. I am, however, going to take Bram’s side. Because everything you said was outdated and disgusting.”

“Stace…”

“My first name is annoying enough as it is, stop shortening it.” Stacey’s voice is cold like ice and hard as iron. Bram knows how well she gets along with her cousin, and how excited she was about having a baby at the same time he was. To have them grow up together. Yet there she is, not trying to smooth things over. “Peter, I think it would be better if you left. Now.”

Mr Se… Peter, there is no way Bram can even remember having a crush on him, gets back inside and Stacey looks at Bram.

“Bram, listens…” but she stops talking because Bram is hugging her. She was right. It is a bit of a logistic. But it’s worth it. It is also their first contact that doesn’t come from polite, forced greetings. He can feel her fingers shaking as she embraces him back.

Bram would love to show her how appreciative he is by staying with her for the rest of the evening, but he feels upset and he doesn’t really want to stay. He doesn’t know how to ask to go home without seeming ungrateful.

“You want to go home, don’t you?” she asks.

Bram nods.

“We’ll get you two a cab.”

 

Bram has been quiet the entire way home, and Simon hasn’t pushed. But as they enter the house, Simon asks: “Do you want to talk about it?”

Bram really doesn’t. So instead, he puts his lips on Simon’s. “I want you to make me forget.”

Simon doesn’t need explanation, nor convincing. They make their way to Bram’s bedroom kissing, hitting walls and furniture. There is some desperation in their embrace. They need to be together, to feel connected. There is also a fire, a hunger born from their last night together, that they can’t wait to explore again.

Bram kicks the bedroom door shut and he is undressing Simon before it even slams. Next thing he knows, they are in their underwear, in his bed, Simon lying on top of him. As Simon is moving his magical lips from Bram’s neck back to his lips, their crotches rub, and Bram’s fingers dig deep in Simon’s skin.

“Do that again,” he whispers against Simon, and Simon starts rubbing against Bram. That feels new. That feels good. Bram’s breathing fastens even more. He looks at Simon to make sure that he’s enjoying what they’re doing. His gaze is a little fuzzy, and he’s starting to moan.

Bram pulls Simon in for a passionate kiss, moving slowly against him. Simon’s fingers are gripping Bram’s ass with one hand, and his hair with the other. It’s almost painful, but that turns Bram on even more. Not the near pain, the fact that Simon is lost so deep.

Bram is happy that his dad and Stacey decided to stay at the party a while longer, because they are starting to get noisy.

Just as Bram realizes that he’s getting close to orgasm, and that he might just come in his underwear, Simon moans. “Bram… if we don’t stop now, it’s gonna be too late.” Bram shivers and moves faster against Simon.

“It’s fine, Love,” he says, trying to put some assertiveness in his voice. “I want to see that face of yours again.” And then Simon comes. “Yes, that’s just the one…”

Simon’s face falls on Bram’s shoulder, and the sweet, hurt noise he makes then takes Bram over the edge as well.

Simon falls into Bram’s arms, and Bram holds him tight. His mind is completely focused on Simon now, how hot he is, and how much he loves him. How happy he is to be taking those steps with him.

He moves slightly and he can feel that he is sticky down there.

So. Sex is messy. They are not even having real sex, yet, and it’s already very messy. But it’s so worth it.

“Si?”

“Mmh?”

“How would you feel about… getting a shower with me?”

“That it’s the only thing on this planet hat would make me get out of bed right now.”

 

 

 


	10. The first time Simon heard Bram swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's stop rating the chapters. Let's face it, they're going to get steamy regularly.

**Simon**

 

There are clothes all over the floor. This is probably Simon’s new favorite hobby. Finding an empty house and making Bram come. Not that Simon is the only one to enjoy this activity. Bram took care of him less than ten minutes ago.

But right now, it’s all about Bram. He has one arm folded under his head, the other one gripping the headboard, tightly. His head is tilted back, and Simon is enjoying the view. While his hand is busy, his lips are exploring Bram’s neck. Bram doesn’t bruise easily, so Simon plays with kisses and suction to get gasps, moans and groans out of his boyfriend.

Simon is starting to know Bram and he could finish this very quickly. But that’s not what he wants. He wants to take his time and make sure that Bram enjoys every part of it. He wants to blow his mind like Bram blew his mind a few minutes ago. Simon wants… more.

He let’s go of Bram, who opens his eyes and looks at Simon with a question in his eyes. Simon looks back at his boyfriend and say: “Bram… I want to try something new.” Bram eyebrows raise instantly. Simon doesn’t wait for Bram to ask what he means before kissing his chest down. Bram’s breath is getting jerkier in anticipation.

Simon checks with Bram one last time, and when he nods, Simon takes him in his mouth. Bram’s entire body tense and he calls out Simon’s name in a husky breath. It makes Simon feel powerful, knowing that he is the one getting that reaction from Bram.

Simon had thought a couple of times about doing that to Bram, but he was nervous about it. He thought he might do it wrong. He fully knows that it’s his first time and that it’s messy, and that he will get better at this with time, but given Bram’s reaction, he is definitely not doing it wrong either.

“Si… Holly fuck…”

Simon’s head jerks up in surprise. He has never heard Bram swear before, and this is a big one to start with. Bram looks at him confused and a little panicked. “Why did you stop?” Simon knows that there is care behind that question. Bram wants to know if Simon is comfortable doing this. But it also means that he didn’t really realized what he just said, because he would have understood Simon’s surprise.

Mr Perfect, swearing and cussing. Simon will tease him for that. Later. Definitely not now.

“Do you want me to continue?” Simon asks, playful.

“Please…” Bram isn’t finished with his word that Simon’s mouth is working him again. Soon, Bram is blurting out: “Simon, Love, I’m going to… I’m gonna…” Simon doesn’t even acknowledge that Bram just used ‘gonna’. He is considering the possibility. Of Bram coming in his mouth. He isn’t entirely sure if he’s ready for that. Maybe next time. So he finishes Bram by hand.

He comes back up to be next to Bram. He doesn’t know where they stand about kissing after oral sex, so he just rubs his nose against Bram.

“Sorry,” Bram says. “That was embarrassingly quick, wasn’t it?”

“Are you kidding? I will probably explode the moment you lips touch my dick.”

Bram smiles. “We’ll see about that.”

Simon smiles back. He can’t wait. Not now, though. He isn’t sure he could get hard again this quick, and Bram’s mother is probably going to be back soon.

“So… we broke the Including Oral rule,” Simon comments.

“Maybe… maybe given our situation we can exclude the ‘Including Oral’ part of that rule,” Bram suggest. Simon nods. He hasn’t been with anyone before, and he knows he was Bram’s first kiss. First everything, really. And there is no doubt in his mind that none of them is cheating, or even considering it.

“I love you, Simon.”

“Well, I’m not sure. I’m just warming up to you,” Simon jokes, and Bram pushes him off the bed.

 

Simon is at the dinner table with Abby and Leah. They are alone in the house, and they are revising for a coming geography test. The last one of the year.

It is one of these odd days where Leah and Abby are getting along, and Simon is trying his hardest not to jinx it by staying on topics he knows they share views about.

Soon enough, the conversation shifts to a topic they both enjoy.

“So, Simon…” Abby starts, and she has that annoying voice that she only uses when she’s about to pry. “Empty house. Wouldn’t you rather be with Bram?”

Yes. The answer is absolutely yes. Especially since they didn’t have access to an empty house since Simon gave Bram a blowjob, and he knows that next time they have time together, he wants to do that again. See if he can get Bram lost so deep again that he will forget his impeccable grammar and even swear again. Oddly, out of the entire thing, that’s what Simon found the hottest. He also thinks that next time, Bram might do that to him. That thought alone was enough for Simon to touch himself, late at night, in bed, struggling to stay quiet.

But he is _not_ going to say that to Abby.

“He is playing soccer with some of the boys from the team,” he says instead.

“Oh, so he’s with Garrett,” Abby says turning her attention to Leah.

“I guess so.”

“What do you mean, you ‘guess so’?” Abby asks. “Don’t you know where Garrett is? Aren’t you two a thing now?”

“We are not a thing exactly, and even if we were, we are still two distinct human beings. He doesn’t have to report to me. What about you? Don’t you know that Nick is with them?”

“He isn’t, actually,” Abby answers. “He is at the dentist.”

“See, for instance, that’s a useless piece of information that doesn’t need to clutter my brain,” Leah says. “I could have used that box to store another fact about geography.”

Abby rolls her eyes. “You know you’re not that cynic, and you actually care about people.”

Against all odds, Leah smiles. “Maybe. But I’ll never admit that at loud.” And she starts highlighting her notes again.

 

At some point, Abby goes to the bathroom. That’s when Simon asks Leah the question that pops up in his mind whenever he sees her talking to Garrett. “Leah… seriously, are you and Garrett a thing now?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t even know what ‘a thing’ means. We’re hanging out.”

“As friends?”

She shrugs again. “I guess. But I’m doing things with him that I don’t do with my other friends.”

“Such as?”

“None of your business.”

“But he’s not your boyfriend?”

“No, he’s not. It’s not like that.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s obvious that he really likes you.”

“Okay, first, don’t tell me what’s obvious, because you couldn’t see Bram when he was right under your oblivious little nose. And second… my thing with Garret is my thing with Garrett. I don’t know what to tell you. We haven’t put words on it, and I won’t do that just for you. Even less for Abby.”

“I don’t have a small nose,” Simon says to break up some of the tension building in Leah’s voice.

“Yes, you do. The tiniest. Bram should dump you.”

That’s when Abby comes back. “What are we talking about?”

“Simon ridiculous nose.”

“She has a point,” Abby says. “How do your glasses even stay there all day?”

They both giggle, and Simon is happy to be teased if that means a bonding of some sort between them. Also, he has a perfectly regular nose, so he has no idea what they’re on about.

 

Soon, the revision is left on the table and the three of them are in the living room, watching Netflix. Simon loses interest rapidly because Bram texts him.

 

_Park practice is over._

_How was it?_

_Fine. The usual._

_Toby tried to be the goalkeeper._

_He wasn’t good._

_I’m still with the girls._

_But we’re done with revision._

_Done as fed up with or done as successful._

_Mix of both?_

_😊_

_What are you doing, then?_

_Movie._

_A good one?_

_No._

_Then are you desperate to finish it?_

_Not particularly._

_Why?_

_I’m back home._

_I’m just about to jump in the shower._

_There is a note from my mom saying that she has another late shift (yay for sick people, right?)_

_So I guess I was wondering if you’d consider being an awful friend and coming over._

_I understand if you want to stay with the girls._

 

Simon thinks about it for a few seconds. He has been very Bram focused lately, but he also just spent four hours with the girls. He thinks he can call it a day, now.

 

_Will you make me watch a better movie?_

_We can do anything you want._

_Movie._

_Knitting._

_More homework._

_More of what we did last time…_

_I’m not sure about the knitting._

_Fine. Let’s strike this one._

_Let’s strike all first three._

_Does that mean you’re coming?_

_Friendship is overrated._

 

“So, girls…”

“Oh-oh,” Leah says. “Was that Bram you were texting?”

“It was.”

“Are you kicking us out?” Abby asks, raising an eyebrow. “What can Bram offer you that we don’t?”

Simon can feel he’s blushing.

“Hot make out session?” Leah asks.

Simon blushes harder.

“Nope, it’s more than that.”

Abby’s eyes go wide. “Are you two doing it?”

“No. We… I…”

“That’s fine,” Leah says. “More than make out, less than sex. Anything else is TMI.”

 

When Simon knocks on Bram’s door, his heart is beating fast. He doesn’t know why he’s so excited. It’s not the first time he goes to Bram’s house with some kind of sexual interaction in mind. But it’s the first time that Bram makes Simon leave something clearly for that.

The door opens and Bram pulls Simon in by his T-shirt. In one fluid movement, he closes the door and presses Simon against it, kissing him fiercely.

“Why, hello there,” Simon says between kisses. “That’s a welcome I could get used to…”

“I’ve been thinking about this since my shower. Do you have any idea how hard it was to think about you like this and do nothing about it?”

“I can certainly feel how hard _something_ is,” Simon answers and Bram presses himself closer.

“I love you,” Bram says.

“I love you too. I love you more.”

“That’s not a thing.”

They look at each other in silence for a minute. Then, right there in his lobby, Bram gets on his knees. He puts his hands on Simon’s belt and Simon grabs them. “Bram, wait… what if your mom comes back?”

“Love, you need to live more dangerously,” Bram says with an easy smile. He doesn’t look worried at all and Simon figures that it’s because her shift won’t end any time soon.

Simon let’s go of Bram’s hands, but he doesn’t move. “Do you want to go to my room? Get more comfortable?” But Simon shakes his head. He really doesn’t want to wait, even for a couple of minutes, and that sight of Bram kneeling in front of him is the hottest thing his ever seen.

Bram opens Simon’s trousers, slides them down without breaking eye contact. Simon doesn’t think he could handle that moment with anyone but Bram. Bram whose hands are now setting his erection free of his underwear. That’s when Bram breaks the eye contact.

He licks it once and Simon shudders, knees already getting weak. Bram licks it again and Simon leans heavily against the door for support. Then Bram takes him all in and a hurt noise escapes Simon’s throat.

His hand gets lost in Bram’s hair, but he lets him be the entire master of what’s happening. Simon does nothing but feel. It soon becomes too much. “Bram, Babe… you have to stop now…” But Bram’s hands grab Simon’s hip tighter and moves slightly faster.

Simon bites the inside of his cheeks as he comes into Bram’s mouth.

Bram stands up, pulling Simon’s underwear up with him. Simon pulls him for a kiss. He doesn’t think about it twice like he did last time. After what just happened, he needs to kiss his boyfriend.

“So what now?” Bram asks when he pulls away.

“Now it’s your turn,” Simon answers, feeling how hard Bram still is. “But, maybe…”

“Bedroom?”

“Bedroom!”

 

 

 


	11. The first time they had a fight

**Bram**

 

Bram usually doesn’t give Cal Price much thoughts. They have different group of friends, they don’t share any classes and he is even backstage during the shows. He knows who he is because of that comment Abby made about Simon and Cal having a thing during drama club. That’s when he was able to put a name and a face to the list Simon made in his email. The same list that made him cry for the first time in years.

Since then, even though Cal Price is definitely a face and a name he spots almost instinctively, Bram has tried his hardest not to think about him. He won. He got the boy. And he can’t blame Cal for being into Simon. That would make him the biggest hypocrite in the entire world.

On the rare occasions Bram thinks about the entire thing, he has to admit that he is partly upset because Cal came out publicly when Simon was outed, and he asked Simon out almost instantly. He did what Bram could only dream of doing back then but couldn’t. That made – and sometimes still makes – Bram very insecure.

Simon never speaks about Cal. But lately, Bram has seen Simon talk to Cal regularly in school. It always looks very innocent, but it still bothers Bram. Because it presses where it hurts, and Bram doesn’t know how to talk to Simon about it. What would he do anyway? Prevent Simon to talk to Cal? That would be neither reasonable, nor realistic.

He doesn’t want to be the pathetic jealous boyfriend. He wants to be the secure, hot, smart boyfriend who has his shit together. So Bram tries to let it go.

 

When he gets home that evening, he hears voices coming from the kitchen. His mother’s and a man’s. His mother doesn’t usually have guests over. She goes out when she wants to be with her friends.

Bram hesitates a second in the lobby. What if she brought he colleague home? The one that he is pretty sure she is seeing. Is it serious enough between them that it’s time for him to meet her son? He takes another second to brace himself, and then he walks in the kitchen.

His mother is there, but she’s not there with a date.

“Ah. Speak of the devil. How are you, boy?” Leaning against the counter, in golden trousers and a turquoise shirt, is Adisa. Bram is so surprised that he barely blurts out some basic greetings.

His mother and Adisa. That’s the oddest combination he’s ever seen. When did they even become friends? And how?

“Bram, Honey, I thought I would have Adisa over for dinner.”

“Great.” Bram’s voice sounds fake, but he actually means it.

Bram lets the two of them in the kitchen and goes to his room to do some homework. He doesn’t want to be rude, but he wants to give his mother the space to socialise. Especially with Adisa. If she can be friend with such a vibrant atypical person, then Bram will know for sure that she can truly accept him for who he is, and not just because she is his mother.

 

Twenty minutes later, Bram hears a knock on the door. He turns around and sees Adisa standing by his open door.

“Your mother kicked me out of the kitchen. She says that if I keep tasting the food, there won’t be any left for dinner.” Bram smiles. He heard that line before too. “Can I join you?”

Bram closes his book. “Sure.”

Adisa walks in the room and looks around. Really looks. Bram feels like Adisa in analyzing his entire personality just from his room. He is wondering what the man sees.

“So how are you, anyway? Adisa asks and Bram sort of wishes he had commented on the room instead.

“Fine.”

“And how is Lover Boy?”

“Fine too.”

“When do the summer holidays start? I don’t remember that much about being your age, but I remember waiting for that every year.”

“Three more days,” Bram answers.

“I’m sure most kids are thrilled. But not you, am I right? You like school.”

“I do. But I am looking forward to this summer.”

“More time with Lover Boy?”

Bram smiles. “I guess so.”

Adisa sits on Bram’s bed and takes the pile of books on his nightstand, looking at the covers one by one. He puts them back and looks at Bram. “Do you know that your mother is worried about you?”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think I would be here on a school night, kicked out of the grown-up room if she didn’t feel like you needed to talk to someone.”

“I’m fine, though.”

“You’re a teenager. You have issues. Spill them.”

For a moment, Bram thinks about politely repeating that he’s fine. But Adisa might be the perfect person to talk to. He will get it. He won’t judge.

“I’m not really upset enough for my mom to have noticed anything,” Bram says.

“You should never underestimate moms. They are borderline psychic.” Bram can’t argue with that. “So, what’s that thing that isn’t bothering you that much. It’s about Lover Boy isn’t it? With teenagers, it’s always school, sex, or love. School wouldn’t be yours, and you would have denied longer if it was sex.”

Bram ignores the sex comment. “It’s not Simon exactly. It’s… this other boy.”

“A month or so ago your eyes were brighter whenever Lover Boy was in your sight, and you’re fed up already?”

“No, it’s not that. I love Simon. A little more every day, I think. But he is friend with that boy who asked him out before.”

“Oh. I see. Feeling insecure? Why?”

Bram shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“You do know. You look like a sensible person. Not the kind to obsess about every boy talking to your man. So why is this one upsetting you? I can’t be just because he likes Lover Boy.”

“Simon liked him too, at some point. I think… If I hadn’t been in the picture, they would be together.”

“But you are in the picture. And they are not together. I’m sure Lover Boy told that other boy that they can only be friends. His eyes do that annoying cute thing too when he looks at you.”

“Yeah but… Cal did something for Simon. Something I couldn’t do.”

“Unless he solved world hunger, I’m not impressed.”

So Bram tells him. About the anonymous emails, Simon being outed, Cal coming out in the middle of the storm to ask Simon out, and Bram being stuck in his silence.

“That’s quite a story.”

“I know.”

“And they call me out of the ordinary. Well… I can see why Drama Boy makes you uneasy. He definitely stepped up for Lover Boy when he needed it. But Lover Boy knows, probably better than you ever will, that the world isn’t a place to be shoved in before your time.”

“Just because he understands doesn’t mean he forgave me.”

“True. But he chose you over that other kid. He knew what he was doing. But you won’t have any piece of mind before you talk to him. This boy didn’t do anything you wouldn’t do now. He just had a better timing. Talk to Lover Boy, get his pardon, enjoy a summer of sun, love and sex.”

“We’re not… we’re not having sex.”

Adisa raises an eyebrow. A single one. The one that says ‘yeah, right’. “So you have never seen his magic wand?”

“Yeah, but…”

“And there was no touching involved.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Then you might not be fucking, but you’re definitely having sex. Remember though, no matter how good it feels, it needs to be safe, smart and consensual, yeah?”

“Promise.”

“Well done, lad. Now let’s talk about your mom.”

Bram hates that. Why do people keep building bridges in his mind between sex and his mother? One day he won’t be able to get a boner anymore, and Simon will definitely leave him for Cal Price. “What about her.”

“I think she’s afraid to tell you that she’s seeing someone and that it’s getting serious.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s been just the two of you for so long. So here is what’s going to happen. I’ll bring the subject over at dinner, and you’ll tell her that you’re happy for her. Even if it’s a lie.”

“It wouldn’t be a lie.”

 

Dinner was fun. Bram enjoyed seeing his mother relaxed and having fun. I was also nice to spend the evening with Adisa and all his eccentricity. He told them some of his life stories, and Bram couldn’t help but think that it definitely was a life worth living. He talked about advocating for gay marriage even though he, himself, thought that marriage was for people who were so afraid of dying alone that they needed someone else to contractually attach themselves to them.

He also talked about protesting for better care for HIV patients back in the nineties, when he was around Bram’s age. Will Bram ever have been a part of something this massive and important? He isn’t sure about that.

Then Bram got the biggest surprise of his life when he learned that his mother was a part of those protests too when she was still a med school student. Then she talked about caring for everyone, not just the rich and white, and how she became an epidemiologist for that reason. Because illness can affect everyone, but not all can afford the treatments. Preventing them from spreading was therefore the fairest way forward.

Bram didn’t know that about her. How did he not know that about her?

 

Bram is waiting for Simon after school. They don’t have plans today, but they have their routine. Before school is for friends. Lunch is for being together. After school, they spend twenty minutes together in one of their cars, and talk about their day. Face to face. Kissing is allowed, not making out. Some days, it means waiting for the other one to be done with practice, clubs or study group.

Which is why Bram is currently waiting, sitting on a bench with Garrett, who is, as usual, going to disappear as soon as Simon shows up. He is nothing but respectful of the routine.

“I just can’t picture your mother at a protest,” Garrett says.

“Tell me about it. I know she was probably there with other med students, but the crowd itself was probably mainly gay people. And there I was, terrified to come out to her.”

“Oh, come on. That’s not fair. You know people sometimes react differently when it’s a family member. It’s easier to be tolerant of things that don’t affect us.”

“Like when you said you were fine with people dating in other age groups, and you changed your mind when Toby called your mom hot?”

“Hey! That’s different. Mom’s are off limit. In my mind, my mom had sex once, and that was to conceive me.”

“That sounds like a boring life,” Bram comments.

Garrett’s eyes go all mischievous. “Is someone enjoying a new kind of activity?”

Bram feels his cheeks heat up and he’s hoping that his skin tone will help hide it. “Maybe.”

“Bram Louis Greenfeld, are you not a maid anymore?”

Bram rolls his eyes. “You know that word only applies to unmarried girls, right? That has nothing to do with having sexual intercourse.”

“Fine. Are you having sex outside of marriage?”

Bram giggles. Garrett is an idiot, but he’s a funny idiot. “I am not. Yet.”

“ _Yet_? Dirty Bram. Have you been… experimenting with Spier?”

“I guess I have.”

“Is he good?”

“Why? Are you thinking about stealing my boyfriend?”

“I would never do that to you. Mostly because Spier is to hairy for me, but still. I just want to make sure he’s good enough for you.”

“Trust me. He’s good enough.” Bram didn’t mean for the words to sound so dirty, but they do. Garrett makes a pretend chocked face and Bram rolls his eyes again.

“What about you?”

“What do you mean?” But Garrett’s smile fades a little bit.

“I don’t know. What’s happening with Leah?”

Garrett shrugs. “Not much.”

“You ditched practice to hang out with her twice.”

“I know. And we fooled around a couple of times, but… I don’t think she wants more than that.”

“And you’re fine with that?”

Garrett looks at Bram and opens his mouth. But he closes it before saying anything. Bram knows he won’t answer. That’s fine. He gets it.

He’s about to say something, try to comfort his friend who finally got the girl but realizes that she’s slipping away anyway, when Simon shows up. Garrett put his smile back on and stands up, saying: “Bram, see you tomorrow for our penultimate morning date of the year. Spier, keep… making him happy.” And Garrett winks, to make sure we get what he means. He didn’t have to. It was clear.

Simon frowns for a second, and Bram doesn’t like it. But it disappears, and he smiles, so Bram smiles back. There is no one around, so they walk to the parking lot holding hands. When they reach it, a car passes them, leaving. It’s Cal Price and he smiles at Simon before waving. Simon lets go of Bram’s hand to wave back. It’s a ridiculous thing, but Bram feels hurt about it.

They get into Bram’s car and Simon notices Bram’s weird mood.

“Babe, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m…” Bram doesn’t know how to do it, but he knows it’s time to clear the air about the Cal thing. “Simon, don’t take it the wrong way, but… you’re spending a lot of time with Cal, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“I keep seeing you with Cal, and…”

“We’re friends.”

“You used to be friendly. When did you become friends?”

“I don’t know. Some time after both coming out to the school, I guess.” The words just touch a nerve.

“Simon, I…”

“Wait, are you jealous?” Bram hesitates. He doesn’t know how to answer that. So Simon continues. “Because Cal and I talk about the play we should do next year, or geography lessons, nothing personal. You’re the one discussing our sex life with Garrett.”

Simon’s tone is getting annoyed, and Bram goes into fight or flight mode. “Garrett is my best friend. I’m talking to him about what I thought was a great relationship, and he talks to me about his weird thing with Leah.”

“Why are you dragging Leah into this?”

“I’m not. But she’s not being fair to Garrett, and you know it. You’re the one who started talking about Garrett.”

“You started it by bringing up Cal.”

“Yes, because I am uneasy with whatever the two of you have.”

“Oh yeah, I should cut myself from my friends, but God forbid anything comes between you and Garrett.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know. I am your boyfriend, why do I always feel like second best. Like, honestly, if Garrett was gay, who would you be with?”

“Is that a real question? Because surely, you can hear how ridiculous it is, right?”

“Is it though?”

“Yes. Yes, it is. Is that what you think we are? Two people who got together because we found the first dick available? Because in that case, don’t think you have to stick around because of first come first serve. I’ve seen how you and Cal are spending time together at school.”

“So I can’t question your friends, but you can question mine?”

“Oh, come on! There is a massive difference between Garrett and Cal, and you know it!”

“Yes, I do know, because I actually turned down Cal Price for you!”

“Woah. Really? Well, please, don’t let me hold you back.” Bram absolutely doesn’t mean that. He’s not sure he would survive Simon changing his mind and dumping him for Cal Price. The words keep coming out of his mouth regardless. “He still looks at you the way he used to. Maybe you chose poorly back in January.”

“You know what? Maybe I did!”

And Simon is out of the car.

Bram has no idea what just happened. What were they even fighting about? How bad is it? He wants to go after Simon, but there is this last question lingering in the air. Did Simon just leave him? As in… for real?

 

Bram is in his bed. Usually, at this time of night, he already sleeps. It’s way past midnight. But he can’t. His brain keeps replaying that stupid argument he had with Simon. Why did they both attack the other one instead of calming their insecurities. Bram knows he could have explained better why he feels threatened by Cal. He also could have taken a minute to tell Simon that what they have is entirely different from what he has with Garrett. And why, why, did he bring Leah into this? Bram isn’t her biggest fan, but he doesn’t dislike her either. They just… never really spent time together. All he knows about her comes from Garrett and Simon. They are both really fond of her. But Bram also remembers the light fading in Garrett’s usually happy eyes, and it makes him feel protective. He didn’t have to drag Simon into it, though.

He didn’t have to do anything he did today, but he did them anyway, and he fucked up.

He wants to call Simon. Or text. But he doesn’t know if he can. Should he email? They’re good at that. Or they were. Why is it so much harder to establish a clear line of communication with his boyfriend than it was with an online stranger?

Bram turns around and tries to force himself into sleep when he hears a slight knock on his bedroom window. He gets out of bed to open it, certain it’s going to be Garrett. It’s not. It’s Simon, standing in his back garden, in his pajama bottoms and Bram’s favorite T-shirt, messy hair, puffy eyes. Bram opens his window and Simon climbs in quietly.

It’s the first time Bram sneaks Simon in like that, and he can’t help but wonder if it will be the last. His house is single-story, and he had already thought about getting Simon in like this during the holidays, when they wouldn’t have to worry about getting up early the next day.

They simply stare at each other for a while. Bram feels his heart beating harder, faster and louder than ever before. He doesn’t know where this is going, and it terrifies him. But Simon is here. He came. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? Surely, he would have waited until morning to break up with him, right?

Simon takes a deep breath, as if he was about to speak, and they hear a door in the house. Bram’s mom is going to the bathroom. Has she been woken up by them? They both freeze, listening carefully. But then they just hear her going back to her own room.

They daren’t speak after that, though, and Bram looks at Simon with more attention. In the dark, he can’t quite tell what the other boy is feeling, but Simon looks on the verge of crying. Bram extends his fingers slightly. Almost instantly, Simon takes them. That’s all Bram needed. He pulls Simon in for a hug and holds him as tight as he can. Simon is still hugging him tighter. Bram can only take half a breath each time, but he doesn’t mind. Breathing doesn’t feel like the most important thing right now.

“I’m sorry,” they both whisper at the same time. They have a weird silent laugh, and their lips find each other’s. The kiss is desperate, almost violent.

Bram realizes that he never wanted Simon as much as he wants him now. So he drags him to bed and Simon follows him, starting to take Bram’s pajama off.

Simon grabs the bottom of his T-shirt to take it off, but Bram stops him. “Keep it,” he whispers against Simon’s lips. Simon lets go and kisses Bram back, taking his trousers off instead. Bram has this twisted feeling of power, seeing Simon in the Elliott Smith T-shirt. Like Simon willingly belongs to him. For the first time though, Bram embraces that feeling. Maybe it’s alright if he doesn’t have his shit together all the time.

Soon, Bram has his hand around both of them and starts moving as Simon is thrusting, the two of them still kissing. Bram’s mind goes back to what Adisa said. They might not be fucking, but they’re still having sex. Now that he thinks about it, he likes that idea. That even if they haven’t done everything, even if there is still this big finish line they have to cross, he is having sex with Simon right now. He is making love to him. The saying is cliché, but it feels accurate right now.

“I love you,” Bram whispers.

“I love you mo… Do that again…” And Bram obeys. Simon let a noise out, and Bram doesn’t know how loud it sounds in an silent house, so he lets go of Simon to put a hand on his mouth. His other hand is used for balance, and Bram wishes he had a third arm.

Just as the thought crosses his mind, Simon’s hand replaces his own around them. His hands are soft like silk and Bram can feel his orgasm building up. He looks at Simon, eyes half closed, mouth pressed against Bram’s hand to keep the noises inside, forehead getting sweaty, the T-shirt moved up to his chest. He is so beautiful that Bram feels like someone just punched him in the stomach.

That’s when he explodes. Simon keeps working them for a few seconds, and he’s gone too.

 

Bram is lying on Simon, head on his chest, and they are holding on to each other as if they were afraid the other one would go.

“I love you Bram,” Simon’s voice is a murmur, barely loud enough for Bram to hear. He also sounds a little desperate, as if he is afraid Bram wouldn’t believe him.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t mind about Cal.”

“Simon…”

“No, listen. I love you. More than I thought was even possible. There is no one else. Cal and I are friendly, not even friends. I think he’s dating someone at the moment, but I’m not sure. I don’t think I talk to him more than I used to. Why is this upsetting you now?”

“I think I need you to forgive me.”

“What for?”

“Not coming out for you when you were outed.”

“I never expected you to do that. You shouldn’t have moved your timeline because of what happened.”

“Cal did.”

“So? That’s Cal’s timeline. Bram… I don’t want to forgive you, because I don’t want to think that it needs forgiveness.”

Bram shivers and holds Simon tighter. “Are you sure?”

“Of course, I am. And if we broke up for any reason, I would not be getting with Cal Price. You showed me this whole world, and I can’t settle for anything else, now. And Babe, everything is less than you.”

Bram swallows back some sneaky tears and says: “Right back at you. I don’t know where that thing you said before came from, but I don’t have any feeling for Garrett. I never had. He could wake up gay tomorrow that I wouldn’t even consider it. He’s my best friend, and I know we have a strong bond together, but you and I, we’re getting that too. It just takes time to know someone like that. I can promise you, though, you’re not second best to anyone.”

They are silent for a moment, and Simon says: “And let’s let Garrett and Leah figure out their own shit.”

“Good idea.”

“I should go, now.”

“Stay a bit longer.”

“Sure.”

 

Simon leaves around five a.m. and half an hour later, Bram gets woken up from his slumber by a text from him.

_So… my mom was already up when I got home._

_I’m grounded._

_Two weeks._

_I’m sorry._

_I shouldn’t have asked you to stay._

_Babe, I’ve got a mind of my own._

_I could have said no._

_I wanted to stay._

_Plus, it’s worth it._

_It was hot._

_Sneaking around like that._

_No._

_YES._

_It was. Anything with you is hot._

_But I mean I would happily get grounded for a year if that means making sure that you’re still my boyfriend._

_Always._

_❤_

_❤_

_Okay, I have to surrender the phone now._

_See you in school._

 

 


	12. The first time they got reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter is sort of not really a chapter.  
> The story doesn't move. AT ALL.  
> But my chapters order got confused, and I need to sort all of that, and I still wanted to write/post something because it was frustrating to work on it and get no actual outcome.  
> ANYWAY.
> 
> They're still cute and in love. I guess.  
> (That was probably the worst chapter introduction ever.)

“So, what are you going to do tomorrow?” Simon’s dad asks. “We could build a bird-house. Or cook. We never cook together. Or you know what, we could stay in the living room and watch TV. How does that sound?”

Simon doesn’t even answer. As if he was going to spend one more day at home. He hasn’t seen, talked to or messaged Bram in nearly two weeks. Tomorrow, the moment he opens his eyes – and yes, an alarm clock is going to be involved – he’ll teleport to Bram’s house. That’s right. Not walk, not run, not drive, but teleport. He’ll find a way.

If there is one thing worse than being grounded for two weeks, it’s getting grounded for two weeks just as the summer holidays start. It’s especially hard when you have a hot loving boyfriend that you suddenly don’t have access to.

But Simon doesn’t regret it. He remembers turning and tossing that night, reliving over and over the moment he told Bram that maybe he should have chosen Cal. He didn’t mean it. Of course, he didn’t mean it. And he needed Bram to know it, even if he didn’t want anything to do with Simon after their stupid, silly fight.

But Bram still wanted something to do with him, and all of it, including getting busted walking back home and getting grounded for two weeks, was worth it if it means Simon still has a boyfriend.

Plus… the makeup sex. Simon isn’t sure if he can call is sex, but it’s sort of what it feels like. Even if they are not doing  _everything_  yet. Lying there, with Bram on top of him, working together towards a shared orgasm definitely felt like having sex with Bram.

God, does he want to see Bram right now. He’ll even settle on a phone call.

Simon looks at the clock. The agreement is that he would be free to get his electronics and ‘freedom of movement’ tomorrow at eight a.m. Twelve more hours.

 

Simon’s alarm gets off at seven the next day. He switches it off without opening his eyes. Five more minutes. He’ll sleep for five more minutes, and then he’ll get ready to go see Bram.

But his mind doesn’t go back to sleep. Slowly, he registers that something isn’t as it should be. Something is different. Not in a bad way, he thinks. That’s when he properly wakes up and realizes that he’s not alone in bed.

Simon turns his head so quickly that he hurts his neck.

And there,  _right there_ , lying a foot away from him, looking at him with the sweetest smile, is Bram.

“Morning Love,” he whispers, sliding closer to Simon.

“Babe? What are you doing here?”

“I asked your mom if I could be here when you woke up. I wanted to surprise you.”

“And she said yes?”

“She said yes if she could have a talk with both of us. And door cracked open.”

Simon glances at the door. It is open, but barely. Sounds probably would make it to the corridor, but no one can see them. So, he turns to Bram again and kisses him. Almost uncontrollably, the kiss becomes very passionate, as if they were making up for two weeks of not seeing each other.

Simon almost expects Bram to put an end to it quickly. To be the sensible, responsible one. But soon enough, Bram is on top of him. Simon is sort of happy that there is his blanket between them, or he wouldn’t be able to not rub against his boyfriend right now.

“God, Si… I missed you so much.”

“Me too, Babe.” Simon knows that they are being ridiculous. It’s been two weeks. Technically, he’s been grounded before the end of school, so it’s been twelve days. And it’s not like they were miles away. But maybe that’s it. Being so close to each other and being incapable to see the other one, or communicate in any way.

Simon flips them around, and he is now on top of Bram. Bram lets his hands slide down Simon’s back and grab his ass. Simon sort of whines, and that’s when he pulls back. “Okay, maybe we should…”

“Calm down,” Bram finishes.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah…” Bram sits half way up to be back into Simon’s space. “But I really want you right now.” Simon’s stomach leaps all the way into his heart.

“I want you more,” Simon whispers. He is sure that Bram is going to reply ‘that’s not a thing’, but instead the younger boy looks down at Simon’s morning boner and, with a mischievous smile, says: “Yeah… I noticed.”

Simon shakes his head to try to think properly again. It doesn’t help. “Okay… okay. So. I’m gonna take a shower. Then we’ll have breakfast. My mom can then talk to us about whatever it is she wants to talk to us about.” Talking about his mom helps calm the situation. “And then we can have the day to ourselves.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Bram agrees. “Don’t be too long in the shower.” But then Bram’s lips are on Simon’s throat and he whispers, “Unless you’re thinking about me. Then take your time.” And things down there are bad again. Simon’s face is burning when he leaves the room.

 

It doesn’t get better in the shower. Bram’s last sentence keeps invading his thoughts and it arouses Simon every time. Simon doesn’t know what to do. He really wants to touch himself, but he doesn’t know if he can. He doesn’t know what holds him back. He’s done it before. Even since being with Bram. But it’s different with his boyfriend two rooms down. Then again… Bram gave permission, didn’t he? He might even have encouraged it. Or so Simon thinks. So maybe it would be alright. Maybe it would be fine. Maybe it would be good.

So, Simon lets go.

Bram doesn’t leave his mind for one second.

 

When Simon gets back to his room, Bram is sitting on the bed, scrolling through his phone. When he looks up at him, Simon can’t help but feel guilty. Bram probably sees it, because his eyes widen. “You  _didn’t_!” Simon’s cheeks are on fire. “You  _did_ … Simon, you dirty little thing.”

“Bram, I…” He stutters something inaudible and Bram laughs. He stands up and comes to hug Simon.

“Was it because of what I said?” Simon nods against Bram. “Did you actually think of me?” Simon nods again. “Was it good?” Simon nods again. Bram kisses his forehead. “Show me later?” This time, Simon makes eye contact with Bram before nodding.

They share one last kiss before deciding that, against all odds, they might be hungrier for food than for each other.

 

Simon just shoved a massive spoon of cereals in his mouth when his mother sits in front of them, her annoying shrink smile spread on her face.

“Good morning Simon.”

He hums something, trying to swallow as soon as he can. He feels that he will have to speak soon. He probably never looked less sexy than right now, but Bram is not looking at him. He is looking at Emily, apparently nervous as well about what’s about to happen.

“You might remember that today is the day you get your screen and socialization privileges back.”

“I do.”

“Good. Now that the two of you are here, we need to talk about why you lost those privileges in the first place.”

“Mom, I know why I was grounded.”

“Clearly not enough to avoid doing it in the first place. We never prevented the two of you to see each other. By ‘we’, I mean me, Jack  _and_  Gabrielle. We trust you to be left alone in both houses even though we know what might be happening.”

“Mom!”

“Simon. I just want to point out that we give you a lot of freedom. So why on Earth would you think that you needed to sneak around in the middle of the night? I don’t even want to know what the two of you thought was too important to wait until morning, but I want you, both of you, to understand that as your parents, we need to know where you are. All the time. Not because we are policing you, but because we need you to be safe.”

“Mom, I just went to Bram’s.” Given her face, that was not the answer to give.

“And how should I have guessed that? I mean, I could have guessed, but I couldn’t know for sure. I didn’t even realize you were gone before hearing your car coming back, Simon. After what happened to you in Atlanta, I would have thought you would understand a little better that you need to be careful, and that we need to know that you are safe.”

Simon feels a little ashamed. When he got grounded, she shouted at him, which she never does, and she was not entirely coherent. They haven’t really talked about it since. Now, he sees her point. He didn’t think before leaving.

Would he do it again? He would. But he would also leave a note.

Surely, that would have saved him a week of punishment, right?

“Emily…” Bram starts, visibly uncomfortable. “I perfectly realize that the timing is not ideal, but there is something I would like to ask.”

Her face softens a bit. Simon knows, deep down, that it isn’t true, but there are days when his parents clearly seem to like Bram better. “What is it?”

“I would like to take Simon to Savannah for a few days. My stepmom is due during the summer and when the baby is here, I’m going to drive there to meet him. My father invited Simon too, and I would really like to share this moment with Simon.”

“I will talk to Jack when he comes back from work, but that seems reasonable.” She turns to Simon. “See… when I know where you’re going, I’m letting you go. It’s not that hard, is it?” Simon decides not to point out that she would never have let him leave the house after midnight on a school night even if she knew where he was going.

 

“So, what did I miss during my two weeks of solitary confinement?” Simon asks as he’s entering Bram’s car.

“Not much. I think Garrett and Leah are having sex.”

“WHAT?”

“I’m not sure. It’s just a vibe I’m getting. Garrett didn’t talk to me about it, and I don’t want to pry. We’re letting them figure their shit out, right?”

“Right.” After a moment, Simon asks: “Can I still talk to Leah about it?”

“About what? Sex?”

“No, not sex. Or maybe sex, if she wants to. I just mean her love life in general.”

Bram sighs. “Simon… there is a difference between letting them sort their thing out and not being their friends. If Garrett talks to me about Leah, I’ll listen. If Leah talks to me about Garrett, I’ll listen too. And I won’t judge. I’ll probably be more partial to Garrett, but I won’t… you know… point fingers. Not everyone can find their Simon on the first trial.”

Bram said that last sentence like an evidence. Like the whole purpose of life was to find Simon. It makes Simon's whole body ache. It’s a weird feeling. It’s painful and divine at the same time. Bram doesn’t seem to realize what he’s caused. “Pull over,” Simon says.

“What?”

“Pull over. No, not here. Somewhere… somewhere quiet.”

Bram’s eyes go wide, but there is also a smirk on his lips.

“Are you saying…”

“That I find you very sexy right now, and I would like to have a quickie in your car.” Simon doesn’t really know where this newly found assurance is coming from. He is usually much less forward in the way he talks to Bram. Or in the things he wants. Is it the two weeks apart? Is it just their relationship growing?

 

Bram being wonderful, he finds a spot to park the car away from prying eyes within five minutes. The boys don’t speak much during those five minutes, but as soon as the ignition is off, they slide on the back seat, lips glued together. Bram sits down and Simon straddles him.

He lets his fingers find their ways under Bram’s shirt and, as always, he gets even more turned on by the way Bram’s skin and toned muscles feel under his palms. Simon’s lips fall on Bram’s neck and Bram whispers his name. The lust in his voice alone could make Simon come.

Simon unbuttons Bram’s pants and gets his hand in his underwear. During the entire time he’s working on Bram, Simon looks into those sweet brown eyes. Bram holds the eye-contact, and Simon sees more love than lust in there.

The purpose of life is not to find a Simon. It’s to find a Bram. “I love you,” Simon whispers, resting his forehead on Bram’s. “I fucking love you.” That’s when Bram closes his eyes, tilts his head back, and Simon watches his face come undone as he orgasms.

After a few seconds, Bram’s hand is on Simon’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. “Please never get grounded again.”

“Was it that good?” Simon jokes.

“I didn’t miss the sex, you cheeky monkey. I missed you. Being with you, talking to you, texting you. I definitely would have gone to a knitting club with you this last fortnight.”

“I missed you too,” Simon says fondly. “And not just because I was stuck home and lonely. I would have missed you even if I was at Disneyland.” Then after a pause, he adds, “But I also missed the sex.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I said that. I totally missed having your hands all over me.” Bram wipes himself with a tissue and looks at Simon. “Speaking of. We have two options now. I can return the favor and take care of you right here and now. Or we can go to my house and hope that my mom is having lunch with her friends before work.”

That’s what Simon wants. A bed, space, and time. He wants to be able to snuggle if he feels like it, or get something to drink if he needs to. He needs to be with Bram. Not is a backseat-quickie kind of way, and not as a thought in the shower. He wants to have that feeling again that they’re making love, even though they’re not really having sex yet.

And, if he is honest with himself, he also really wants an orgasm.

“I’ll take option two.”

Bram pulls him in again, and that kiss is absolutely not chaste.

“You know what,” Bram says between two kisses, “even if she’s there… we’ll just put music on and close the door.”

 

 


	13. The first time they danced together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I haven't updated in ages.  
> I hope this chapter will have been worth the wait!

**Bram**

 

Garrett enters Bram’s room unannounced. Bram doesn’t have to look up to know it’s him. Even Simon would have knocked. Plus, he was expecting Garrett. They are car-sharing, tonight.

“Abraham Greenfeld, you look dashing!”

“Don’t call me that,” Bram says, but he has a soft smile. “So I tried to push with my mom, but my curfew is midnight. She told me that every minute past the curfew would be a day grounded.”

“That’s the thing about your mom. No one can deny that she’s got style.”

“Did you just poorly quote Harry Potter?”

“Hey. Harry Potter is massive. It joined the pop culture. It’s not just for nerds anymore. It’s there for _anyone_ to butcher.”

“Please, don’t tell Simon that.”

Garrett smiles. “Have I ever told you how cute it is?” he asks.

“How what cute is?”

“The fact that you’re both nerds, but different flavors of nerds.” Bram rolls his eyes at his best friend, but he actually likes whenever Garrett says anything showing that he supports his relationship with Simon. Even something silly and ridiculous.

“Okay, well the nerd that I am is ready to go. Are you?”

“No, Bram. I’m not ready to go. I could have gotten ready at home, but I thought I would shower and change at your house and ask your mom for my allowance.”

“Stupid question, got it. Sorry. On the other hand, I would really love to see you ask my mom for some money.”

“No, you wouldn’t, because she clearly loves me more, and she would give me more than she gives you. Let’s not do that to you.”

“I know you’re joking, but that might actually happen.” Both boys laugh, Bram grabs his jacket and they leave the room.

They swing by the living room, and Bram tells his mother: “Mom, we’re going.”

“Okay. Be safe, don’t drink, and Abraham Louis Greenfeld, _do not_ miss your curfew because you were busy making out with your boyfriend.”

Bram hears Garrett fail at trying to keep a laugh in. “Mom!”

“Don’t give me this offended attitude. I’ve seen you glued to each other, and I know what happens behind your bedroom door.” Bram might die, right now. There is nothing worse than parents commenting on your sex life, even just the making out part. “Plus, I’ve been a teenager too.” His bad. There is something worse.

“Okay, we’re going now.”

“Garrett, keep an eye on my boy.”

“Absolutely, Mrs. Greenfeld. And I will definitely bring him back on time. I’ll separate them myself if I have too.” Bram likes that there is a bond between his mother and his best friend, just… maybe not when they are ganging up on him.

 

Bram really likes Garrett’s car. Not particularly because of the car itself, it’s an old second-hand car like million others, but because they spent so much time in it. That’s where he realized they were friends more than friendly. That’s where he realized he was where he realized Garrett was his best friend and would be for a long time. That’s where he came out to him. That’s where he poured his heart about Simon and Cal Price once. That’s where Garrett convinced him to get over it and be brave enough to go after Simon. Or at least give him his number and see what would happen.

“So… when your mom says she found you ‘glued to each other’…” Garrett starts.

“It was just a kiss, and it was ages ago. It was still very uncomfortable. She keeps mentioning it now and then. I think she wants to create an atmosphere in which I always remember to keep some distance with Simon when she’s in the house.”

“That’s smart. Awkward, but smart. My mom walked on me and Leah the other day, and… we weren’t doing it or anything, but… we weren’t exactly fully clothed either…”

“Oh. What happened.”

“Nothing much. She apologized and left, Leah went full on Leah mode, and that was pretty much it. When Leah left, my parents gave me the talk. It was a mix between ‘there are diseases out there you don’t want to catch’ and ‘if you get her pregnant, you’re taking responsibility’. Which was fair enough. Plus, they don’t know Leah’s parents, so they can’t group ambush us like yours did.”

Bram isn’t sure what Garrett means by Leah mode. “How are things between you and Leah, anyway?”

“We broke up.”

Bram’s eyes detach immediately from the road to land on his best friend. Garrett’s face is expressionless. How long has he been sitting on this information?

“What? When?”

Garrett shrugs. “I’m not entirely sure. I don’t think we ever really were a couple anyway. It’s just… we were in this weird in between, and it’s better to have a clean break. I think.”

“Are you okay?”

Garrett nods. “Yeah. I mean… Do I wish she would have fallen in love madly with me? Maybe. But… it’s not like it’s all her. I had this massive crush on her forever, but I didn’t really know her either. And that girl… the real Leah… she’s not for me. It was still nice, whatever it was, there are no hard feelings, and I think that it actually brought us together in a way. Like we’re really friends now. You know what I mean?”

“I do.” But Bram doesn’t. If he broke up with Simon, he wouldn’t be able to find a silver lining in all of it. He would just be crushed, hurt and spending every waking moment wishing he could go back. He certainly wouldn’t be able to be friends with him. Then again, he knew from the beginning that Garrett’s thing with Leah would be nothing like what he has with Simon.

“Anyway… we haven’t told Abby yet…” Garrett says and Bram bursts out laughing. Tonight, all six of us are going to a club in Atlanta. They are having a 16-21 evening. There is going to be music, dancing, cocktails, but no alcohol and no one over 21. Nick and Garrett went last year, and they had a good time. This year, we are all going together. Abby has been the most excited about this, calling it a ‘triple date’.

“Are you going to tell her tonight, or are you going to give her her perfect triple date evening?”

“I really couldn’t care less. It’s not like Leah and I used to PDA anyway. I’ll let Leah handle Abby’s expectations. She’s her friend more than me.”

“Fair enough.”

Bram’s phone buzzes. It’s a text from Simon. “They’re already there. Simon says we should meet them inside.”

 

It’s the first time Bram enters a club. He knows it’s not a cool thought, but he likes the fact that he has this baby step of a toned-down evening to introduce him to the nightlife. Inside, the music is loud, and Bram feels the bass resonate inside his body. He puts his cloakroom ticket in his jean pocket, and that feels so grown-up.

They spot their friends almost instantly, all already on the dancefloor. Bram takes a second to look at Simon. Clumsy Simon who can’t always kick the soccer ball when he joins him and the park for their occasional Saturday practice. Right now, he doesn’t look clumsy, he looks graceful and happy. Bram is reminded that Simon is a stage person and that dance is definitely in his skillset.

As he is about to join the dancefloor, Bram freezes. Can he dance with Simon? In public? He remembers the last time they held hands in Atlanta.

Garrett pats him firmly on the back and points at something. Behind the bar, amongst what looks like a thousand posters and flyers, is a gay flag. “We checked,” Garrett says in Bram’s ear to be heard. “They’re friendly.”

Bram is thankful that Garrett would even think about it when he did not.

They join their friends, and Bram’s hands are on Simon immediately. He realizes that he never really danced with someone before. His mom, at a wedding, a few years back. The flower girl at his dad and Stacey’s wedding, because it was scripted. That’s pretty much it. And yet, it feels instinctive and organic, dancing with Simon. It’s not forced or awkward, and Bram doesn’t have to think about what he should do with his body. He just does it. It’s freeing and fun. Two things that Bram’s overly anxious brain needs right now.

At some point, Simon’s back is against Bram’s chest and he leans back, head tilted, hand pulling on Bram’s neck, and their mouths join for the first time of the evening. Bram’s hands fall on Simon’s waist and he holds the boy closer. They are still dancing through their kiss, Simon moving almost lasciviously against Bram, his ass almost grinding on him. Simon tastes like coke and sweat, and maybe it should be disgusting but it isn’t. It reminds Bram of the other times Simon tastes sweaty. Even though sex is absolutely off the table right now, that’s where Bram’s mind goes, and his body responds.

Any other time and Bram would be absolutely mortified. Right now, he doesn’t care. In this mass of hormonal teenagers, no one is paying attention to them. No one will notice. He just needs to make sure that he doesn’t let his hands move from Simon’s waist…

 

Bram is outside, getting some air. The club has a sort of courtyard, and Bram sits on one of the benches. There is a cool breeze and it feels amazingly refreshing. Bram closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again, Simon is there, handing him a bottle of water.

“Love, you’re a miracle wrapped into the cutest boy.” Simon smiles at Bram as he takes the water and he sits next to him. “You weren’t cute earlier, though.”

“I wasn’t?”

Bram looks at Simon, who isn’t smiling anymore. “There was nothing cute about the way you moved. It was hot, that’s what it was.”

Simon blushes. He’s about to reply something but Bram kisses him. He doesn’t want to let him the opportunity to deny it. Bram is starting to see himself through Simon’s eyes, and he likes that person. He wants to do the same for Simon.

Someone clears their throat next to them. Instinctively, Bram jerks away from Simon, but it’s only Garrett. “You boys need some personal space?” he asks with a cheeky smile.

“Shut up, Laughlin!”

“I can’t. I promised your mom I would chaperone.”

“You did what?” Simon asks.

“Ignore him,” Bram replies. Simon slides closer to Bram so Garrett can sit with them. “He’s trying to get my mom to like him.”

“And how is it working for you?” Simon asks.

“Pretty well, Spier. Pretty well. I think you and I are drawing at the moment. Then again, she never pictures me naked with her son, so I guess I have an unfair advantage.”

“She does not picture me naked with Bram,” Simon says. Then he turns to Bram. “She doesn’t, does she?”

“I don’t think so, but she mentioned the making out incident again.”

Simon’s whole face cringes.

“Don’t worry, Spier. She likes you.”

“How do you know that?”

“She told me.”

“When?” Bram asks.

“You know that time I picked you up for the game but you were still in the shower? Well, she gave me the whole third, neh fourth degree, about the two of you. Are you two happy, is Simon treating Bram right, is Bram treating Simon the right way, are you shutting yourself from your friends, is Simon the delightful boy she thinks he is…”

“She did _not_ use delightful,” Simon interrupts him.

“She did. I wouldn’t make that up.”

“What did you tell her?” Bram asks, conscious that everything could have come out of his best friend’s mouth.

Garrett just shrugs. “The truth. Why wouldn’t I? It’s better than any lie I could come up with. It’s probably better than what your mom wished for you.”

Bram doesn’t know how to say thank you to his best friend without making it weird. He doesn’t have a chance though, because his phone starts vibrating furiously. It’s his dad. His dad _never_ calls him. He apologizes and walks away to take the call.

 

When Bram walks back to Simon and Garrett, he probably has a weird look on his face because they both stop laughing and suddenly seem concerned.

“Babe, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I… My stepmom had her baby. It’s a boy.”

“What? That’s great!”

“Yeah, congrats man! There’s a mini-you, somewhere, that’s… you don’t look thrilled.”

“No, I am, I…”

Simon and Garrett exchange a look and move to make Bram sit between them. “Babe, talk to us. What is it?”

“I don’t know. It should be great. I thought I would be happy, but I just feel… empty…”

“That’s just because you haven’t met him,” Garrett says. “He isn’t more real now than he was an hour ago.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Simon assures. “You will meet him, and you will fall in love with his little face.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do.”

“Why? Because you have sisters? You grew up with them. I’ll barely see the baby.”

“I know it because you’re a caring, loving person. And if you want more time to bond with Baby Greenfeld, you will find the time. You can drive there more often, you can Skype, you can do something else that your smarter brain will figure out.”

“What’s the real issue?” Garrett asks. Simon looks confused, but he waits for Bram’s answer. He trusts that Garrett knows Bram, on some levels better than he does.

“I know it’s stupid, but… I was really hoping for a girl.”

“Why?”

“I wouldn’t have had to compete with a girl. But… Guys, what if my dad loves him better.”

“What?” Simon asks. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Really? I’m me, but he will be my dad’s white, Jewish, full-time son. What if I end up being the add-on to his family?”

Simon opens his mouth but Garrett shakes his head, and Simon stays silent.

“Bram… You know your dad loves you, right? Maybe… maybe sometimes it feels like not enough, or not the right way, but he loves you. You. And he will love your brother. Sometimes it will feel like more. Or better. But the truth is you won’t ever be able to compare the two loves. What I can promise you though, is that being black, not truly being Jewish, and living with your mom are not things your dad holds against you.”

Bram nods. He knows that. He understands that. But somehow, it’s not how he feels. Simon seems to see that, because he threads his fingers through Bram’s and pulls him up. “Come on Babe. Let’s go back in. Let’s empty your head again. You can worry tomorrow.”

Bram nods, takes his boyfriend’s hand and lets him drag him back to the dancefloor. At first, Bram’s head and heart aren’t really there, but his friends manage to make him laugh, even the ones that don’t know he needs to, and Simon makes him free and happy again. Like before.

 

When they have to say goodnight, on the parking lot, they keep it short – because people are around, but more importantly because they are _not_ going through being grounded any time soon – and their kiss leaves Bram with the thought that loves Simon. A little bit more every day. Maybe at some point, it will become too much and Bram will just burst.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure, Love. Should I come to yours?”

“Yeah. Just… maybe not too early in the morning?”

Bram laughs softly. “You got it. And remember,” he adds low enough that only Simon can hear him, “you were hot tonight. Hot enough that I know it will come back to me when I’ll be in bed.” Simon’s eyes widen. “You got shower time… I get my own playtime, right?”

For a second, looking at Simon’s blush and wide eyes, Bram is worried that maybe Simon is not comfortable with that idea, but the other boy cracks a wide smile and answers, “You do. But only if I can think about you too.”

“Deal.”

Bram knows that if he might have been half joking before, he isn’t anymore. The memory of Simon’s body pressed and moving against his, plus the idea that he might be pleasuring himself thinking about Bram won’t let Bram keep his hands off himself.

Maybe they’ll be doing it at the same time.

Maybe they’ll have telepathic sex.

 

 


	14. The first time they met a new human being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a look at my first plan for chapters. It was only the main big times, and by now we should be halfway through college. Instead, I'm talking about all the little first times because I want to tell you all of the story and not jump in time that much, and we're not even in senior year yet. This story is never going to end, guys.
> 
> On that note, I had a look at stuff like university applications and SATs and stuff in the US, so these things should be somewhat accurate, but obviously, I have no idea what I'm talking about. So if you're from the US and I am talking nonsense, I'm sorry.

**Simon**

 

Little Foetus has a name now. He is called Levi. He is tiny, pink, deeply asleep, and probably the cutest shit Simon has ever seen.

Simon glances at Bram, and he looks mesmerized by the baby. Bram had been quiet the entire drive to Savannah, and Simon knew that he was still thinking about what he told him and Garrett that night at the club. But Simon knew that it wouldn’t last once he would have met the baby.

Bram’s father was still at work when they arrived, so they are just with Stacey and the baby. Since they entered the living room, where the baby is sleeping, Bram has been completely silent. Simon decides to take charge of the small talks. “So, Stacey, how are you feeling?”

“I’m good, thank you. Having a newborn definitely presents its challenges, but it is also so rewarding.”

“Can I hold him?” Bram asks. Stacey’s eyes dart at the sleeping baby and Simon can see that she would rather let Levi sleep, but she also understands the importance of that moment.

“Of course.”

Bram carefully takes the baby. Stacey, new-mom style, is watching everything, and Simon can see that if she didn’t have her self-control, she would comment on everything Bram is doing. Simon’s aunt used to be the same with Simon’s cousins. But Bram is doing a great job. Of course, he is. Simon hasn’t found something Bram was bad at yet.

The baby wakes up, and he looks at Bram. Simon expects Levi so start crying, but he doesn’t. He just looks at Bram.

That is quite a vision, Bram standing in the living room, having a staring contest with a baby.

“Can I have a minute with him?” Bram asks.

“Are you going to share secrets so soon?” Stacey asks and Bram just nods, still looking down at the baby. Stacey stands up and looks at Simon. “Do you want something to drink?”

“I would love to,” he answers and he follows her in the kitchen.

Simon sits at the table with her and takes the soda she hands him. They make small talks for a moment, mainly discussing plans for the summer. Then she asks: “How is Bram doing? With… all of this.”

“He’s fine,” Simon says, almost instinctively. Bram is a private person, so Simon never discusses him more than he thinks his boyfriend would be comfortable with.

“I don’t… I don’t mean to pry, it’s just that… with Bram, I sometimes feel like it’s one step forward, one step back. But now there is Levi and I need this family to work more than ever. You understand what I mean, don’t you?”

“I do. Don’t worry about Bram. He is a loving person. I know he is bonding with Levi right now. And with you… It will take time. Bram is… hard to get to. But it’s worth it. He is worth it.”

“I’m sure he is. I know he is. I just don’t know if I’m doing things right.”

“You are. As I said, Bram just takes time to open up.”

Stacey smiles. “But you got him to open up in no time,” she comments.

“No, I wouldn’t exactly say that,” Simon answers thinking about the months of emailing and Bram refusing to meet time and time again. Stacey seems to get that Simon is not going to develop, so she gracefully changes the subject.

“What do you think he is talking to Levi about?”

“You’ll never know. That’s the think about siblings. It’s us versus parents. Always.”

“Oh. Alright, then. Should I be worried?”

“Not when one of the siblings is smart, responsible Bram.”

 

Bram joins them after a few minutes. “Levi is sleeping again,” he announces.

Stacey looks properly impressed. “Really?” Bram nods. “Well done you!”

The front door opens and then Bram’s father enters the room. “Hey, boys! When did you arrive?”

“An hour or so ago,” Bram answers.

“Great. Have you seen the baby already?”

“They have,” Stacey answers. “Bram and Levi had a nice bonding session and, get this, Bram managed to put him back to sleep.”

“Oh wow. Well done Bram!”

So apparently Levi is not a great sleeper. “Does he cry a lot?” Simon asks. “I remember my parents saying that Nora only closed her mouth when she was asleep.”

“No, he is really quiet,” Mr. Greenfeld says. “Like Bram when he was a baby. But he also takes ages to get to sleep.”

 

That evening, Mr. Greenfeld is bathing Levi while Bram and Simon are helping Stacey prepare dinner. “Bram, I, hmm… I would like to talk to you about something.”

Simon freezes even before Bram. There is no doubt in her tone that Bram is not going to like what she is going to say. “Tomorrow, I am having lunch with Lisa.” Simon has no idea who Lisa is, but he can see on Bram’s face that she is not on his favorite people list. “It’s… it’s a weekly thing. She was supposed to come this week, but I thought it would be better if you two didn’t have to interact.”

Bram’s face is even more closed than before. Simon can feel the tension, but he doesn’t understand it. “I’m sorry, but… who is Lisa?”

“Peter’s wife,” Bram answers. Oh. Simon vividly remembers that family reunion and how it ended. He doesn’t remember Lisa, at all, but she is married to Peter, so it might be all he needs to know about her.

“I need you to understand that I am seeing her, not him. There is a difference, and I hope you see it.” Bram stays silent. “We have been pregnant together, and we are going through being new moms together, and… she is a fantastic support system. You understand, right?”

“I understand,” he answers, but that’s not what his voice – nor face – are saying. “Can I go check on Dad and Levi?”

Stacey’s face falls a bit from disappointment. She probably notices that it didn’t go well. “Yes, sure, of course.” Bram leaves, and Simon isn’t sure if he should be following him. “It didn’t go well, did it?” she asks. Simon shakes his head. “That’s what we were talking about. One step forward, one step back.” Simon doesn’t know how to tell her that this was more than one step back.

 

Simon enters the nursery and Bram is sitting in the armchair, Levi in his arms. He smiles softly at Simon when he walks in.

“My dad asked me to put him to bed,” Bram says with an oddly soothing voice. “To see if I could achieve my miracle twice.”

“And how is it going?” Simon whispers.

“I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping, but I’ll wait another minute or two.”

“For Levi, or because you don’t want to go back out there?”

Bram doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t smile anymore either. Simon sits on one arm of the chair. He won’t push Bram to talk to him. On his own time. But he wants to be there for him. Bram leans against Simon a bit. Simon runs his fingers against Bram’s neck and he lets out a happy sigh.

“You look hot with a baby in your arms,” Simon comments.

“Hot?”

“Well. Not I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off hot, more like oh-God-my boyfriend-is-beautiful kind of hot.”

“I’m so happy that you’re into quiet nerdy family boys.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You’re also a soccer star.”

Bram finally smiles again and puts a light kiss on Simon’s lips. “I love you, Simon.”

“I love you more.”

“Trust me, that’s not a thing.”

 

Dinner is quiet. Bram only answers direct questions, Stacey says only plain things that don’t express any sort of opinion. Mr. Greenfeld and Simon desperately try to keep the conversation alive, but it all feels awkward.

“So, Bram, what is your plan for the summer?” Mr. Greenfeld asks. Simon finds it awkward that Bram’s father doesn’t already know what his son will be doing during his summer break. He really doesn’t understand their relationship. They constantly oscillate between close and nearly strangers.

“Not much. I am going to spend two weeks at soccer camp with Garrett, like last summer. Then I am going to visit Nana with Mom for a week. After that, nothing is set in stone, but Simon and I would like to go on a road trip somewhere.”

“What about the SATs?”

“What about them?”

“When are you taking them?”

“Late September.”

“Shouldn’t you start studying for them.”

“Yes. I just didn’t plan for that. Or understood that I should include homework in my summer plans.”

Simon feels that Bram is getting frustrated, and he wants to diffuse the situation. They should be having a good time, meeting Little Foetus, spending quality time together before soccer camp. Not spending four days feeling awkward around each other.

Simon loves Bram, and he will do whatever Bram needs. Even alienate his parents. But he’d rather not.

“We have done a lot of studying for the SATs before the summer break,” Simon says. “The school obviously takes it very seriously. We had a practice test before the break, and everyone got personalized revision timetables for the summer. You know Bram, he’ll be ready even before we go back to school.”

“Practice SATs? Why didn’t you mention it? What did you score?”

“1380.” Simon is even prouder now than when he saw Bram’s score the first time.

“It’s not bad, but it’s lower than the target we agreed on.”

“There are still a few months before the SATs, Dad.”

“I know. I’m just reminding you.”

“Richard,” Stacey says, nicely but firmly.

“Yes, darling?”

“I think Bram did very well.”

“Of course he did. What about you, Simon?”

Simon feels a bit uneasy. If Bram’s dad wasn’t impressed by Bram’s score, what will he think about Simon’s? It was much lower. “1100.”

“Oh. School isn’t your thing, is it?”

“Dad. 1100 is a good score.”

“No, it’s not,” Simon tempers to avoid any conflict. “It’s average. I’m hoping to boost my score above 1200, but I don’t think I’ll go much higher.”

“So you don’t plan on attending an Ivy League?”

“No, it was never really an option.”

“But that’s still your plan, Bram?”

“Richard, should we wait until the boys are in senior year before grilling them about university choices?”

“I’m not grilling them, I’m taking an interest.”

 

When it’s time for bed, Simon is exhausted. Between the drive and the emotional egg-shelves walk, the day wasn’t exactly a peaceful one. On the bright side of things, today was about meeting Levi, and he is extremely cute. Bram hasn’t commented on it, but it is obvious that he is smitten. He will be an outstanding big brother.

When Bram comes back from his shower, Simon is already in bed. Bram crawls on the bed and snuggles into Simon’s arms. “You okay, Babe?”

“Much better now.” Simon starts rubbing Bram’s back. “I’m sorry if today was weird.”

“Don’t worry about it. My parents are awkward too sometimes. Thank you for standing out to your dad for me.”

“He can be a bit extra about school stuff. I get it, he’s a professor, but… I don’t know, it’s a lot sometimes. I don’t want him to start putting any of that pressure on you. Just ignore him, okay?”

“Okay.” They stay silent for a moment, just cuddling and letting go of some of the pressure of the day. Then Simon thinks it’s time to try to clear the air about the other thing too. “Do you want to talk about the Lisa thing?”

“There is nothing to talk about.”

“You’re clearly upset about it.”

“I’m not.”

“Don’t do this, Babe. Talk to me.”

Bram sighs. “It’s just… I thought she was on my side, you know?”

“She was. She is.”

“Not enough. I get that Lisa and Peter are different people, but they can’t be that different. I love you, but I wouldn’t start a family with you if we had a drastic divergence of opinions on my core values.”

“Stacey might just need a friend who is going through the same cycle she is.”

“There are other new moms in Savannah. Why does it have to be Lisa? She’s not even the one she’s related to, that’s Peter. How long until they decide to forgive Peter? Levi will spend more time with them and their baby than with me, and… I don’t want to become ‘the gay brother’, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” Simon runs his fingers in Bram’s hair, and Bram shifts to give him better access. “Stacey might not be right all the time, but she’s trying. And she can’t build her entire life around you.”

“I know. I just wish it wouldn’t feel like work to be around my dad. It’s easier with my mom.”

Simon doesn’t know how to respond to that. Bram’s mom is stricter, and she is a bit scary, but Simon also thinks it’s easier to be around her. And he doesn’t want to keep defending Stacey. She is nice, and she is trying, but Simon is also uneasy about anything related to Peter. Then, a frightening thought passes through Simon’s head. “Who’s going to be Levi’s godparents?”

“Nobody.”

“Why not?”

“We don’t have godparents in Judaism.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“About what?”

“I feel I should know more about your religion. Religions.”

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind educating you one fact at a time. I sort of like it, actually.”

Simon smiles and he leans in to kiss Bram. When they separate, Simon can see that the clouds have left Bram’s eyes and he can finally let go of the tension of the day as well. Bram joins Simon under the covers, and they settle in, cuddling up next to each other.

Simon thinks back to the first time he realized that Bram – Blue back then – was religious, and how he felt like a moron for not even thinking about it, re-reading his emails, hoping there wasn’t any blaspheme in there.

Blue. Simon hasn’t thought about him in a while. He knows that technically it is Bram, but… he sometimes feels like a different boy.

“What are you thinking about?” Bram asks against Simon’s temple.

“Us.”

“Oh? Good things, I hope.”

“Yeah…”

“That doesn’t sound convincing,” Bram notices.

“No, it is… I was thinking about the former us and the new us. Sometimes, I sort of forget, you know? About Jacques and Blue. That it used to be us. But I don’t want to. I want to always remember what it felt like, receiving an email from you, how overwhelmed I was that one time you wrote that you liked to imagine me fantasizing about sex, how relieved I was when I found the T-shirt, how happy I was when you appeared at the carnival. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy now, but I don’t want the present to wash away the past.”

Bram holds Simon a bit tighter. “Sometimes, I forget too. How tongue-tied I used to be when I saw you. Or how whenever I was trying to pull away from Jacques, you would just find a way to pull me back in. The instant I felt ready to reveal myself to you. That moment you leaned towards me in my car on the parking lot… It all almost feels like it’s not us anymore. I mean… Six months ago, if anyone told me I would say the word ‘dick’ to you, I would have died of embarrassment.”

Simon laughs. His cute, shy, adorable boyfriend. It makes it even hotter when he lets go and starts talking dirty. Or even just honestly. “I’m happy that we are where we are,” Simon says. “But it’s also nice to think about who we were, and how I pictured you back then.”

“Do you wish you could go back? Be with that Bram again?”

“No. I had the biggest crush on that boy. He made me feel things that felt so big that it just had to be love. But it wasn’t. That didn’t come until I got to meet you. The real you. The one you keep hidden behind those blushing cheeks and expressive eyes. I love you so much, Bram.”

Bram smiles. “I lov…” But Simon presses his hand on his boyfriend’s mouth.

“No, don’t say it. I don’t want the words to become a kind of greeting, okay? I want us to say it when we are truly feeling it. And we don’t always have to say it back. Sometimes, we should just take it in from the other person. Just feel the love.”

“Fine,” Bram answers moving Simon’s hand. “But I do love you. Always, but especially right now. Enough to say it without breaking your rule.”

Simon is starting to feel sleepy. The idea crosses his mind that he hasn’t been in a bed with Bram in ages, and that he probably should be wanting to put his hands all over him, but it’s not there. Simon just wants to stay like that, in Bram’s arms, and fall asleep. Apparently, Bram is on the same page. Simon can hear his breathing slowing down.

“Good night Bram.”

“Good night, Love.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you want to decide where Simon and Bram should go on their road trip, please suggest away :)


	15. The first time they went to the beach together

**Bram**

 

Bram opens his eyes, and the first thing he sees is Simon, still asleep. He hopes he will never get used to that feeling he gets when he wakes up next to his boyfriend. He takes a few seconds to just look at him. He always looks different, asleep. Not just because he isn’t wearing his glasses, but also because his face is relaxed in ways it never is when he is awake.

Bram remembers Simon mentioning Jacques and Blue before going to bed, and he takes a moment to think back of the way he used to see Simon. Cute, intimidating, bright, unreachable Simon. The boy that was above all the other ones but Jacques.

And there is that same boy, plus Jacques, still above all the other boys, still cute, mostly cute but sometimes hot as fire, still bright as the sun, now inspiring, now very much reachable.

So Bram reaches.

He threads his fingers through the messy hair. Simon doesn’t wake up. Bram kisses his temple, softly. Simon still doesn’t move. Bram gently kisses his cheek. Simon’s eyelids start moving but they don’t open. Bram moves to his jaw, and Simon’s breath is quickening, somewhere between sleep-breath and sex-breath. Bram feels encouraged and kisses Simon’s neck, which stretches to receive more.

Bram’s hand slides back under the covers, all the way to Simon’s most awake body part. Simon’s eyes are still closed, but there is nothing asleep about his breathing anymore. Bram isn’t kissing him any longer. Instead, he is enjoying the view of Simon’s face, and the way it changes, shifting from sleepy to pleasured, to orgasm face.

Simon, who tried to stay so quiet the entire time, lets a soft, whiney “Bram… Babe…” out as he comes, and that sound makes Bram want to take Simon, right then and there. Not that he would, he doesn’t feel ready for full-on sex, and they haven’t talked about it, but that doesn’t keep him from wanting it so badly right now.

Simon opens his eyes and he looks so contented that Bram feels a bit proud. “Good morning, Love.”

“’ Morning. I am not a morning person, but if being woken up like that is an option, I’ll wake up at five every morning.”

Bram smiles and lets Simon pull him in for a kiss. Even now, with all the other things they do, kissing is probably Bram’s favourite thing to do with Simon. There are so many different massages, intents and emotions that can be communicated through kisses. They can come at any point. In public, in private, before sex, during sex, after sex, not affiliated to sex, quick, slow, deep, light… Every kiss with Simon is unique and yet familiar. Right now, it almost feels as if Simon is saying ‘thank you’, while Bram is saying ‘I want you’, and those two ideas merge into this slow, deep, loving, hot, sensual kiss.

Soon, Simon is on top of Bram, and Simon’s lips move to Bram’s neck, to that one specific spot that always makes Bram moan and that would make him so hard if he wasn’t already. Then Simon moves even further south and Bram’s breath hitches.

He knows that what Simon is going to do to him is not equivalent to what he did to Simon, but he also knows they’re not keeping score. He’ll make it up to Simon later. Bram doesn’t lie back like he usually does. Today, he wants to watch. There is something enthralling in the way Simon’s head moves and how it links to the things he is feeling.

Then Simon’s head moves up and they make eye contact. They hold it. It might be the hottest thing Bram has ever seen. He feels like he’s getting lost in those almost still sleepy moon grey eyes; he feels like his heart is pounding too hard; he feels like his body is too narrow for all the things he is feeling right now.

Simon’s hand gently cups him, and it’s too much. He barely has time to warn Simon before he collapses back on the bed, coming, struggling to keep it quiet.

Bram is still trying to ground himself back when Simon lies back on him, head on the chest, as if he wanted to listen to his heart. Bram instinctively wraps his arms around Simon.

“Si, Love, that was great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you so much.”

“Saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t count after an orgasm.”

“Who made that rule?”

“Everyone who ever had sex brain. After coming, I could tell the lunch lady that I love her.”

Bram chuckles. “Fine. I’ll just tell you again later.”

 

The first thing Bram does after his shower, before worrying about breakfast or even Simon, is trying to locate Levi in the house.

He is in the living room, with Stacey. She smiles when she sees him, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She seems nervous. Bram hates it. No matter how much they both try, things always seem forced between them. For a moment, when she stood by him in front of Peter, he thought that they finally had a breakthrough, but that’s all gone now that he realised that her gesture was only that. A gesture.

“Good morning, Bram.”

“Good morning. Is Dad at work already?”

“Yes, he left before you guys were up. Do you want me to fix you some breakfast?”

“No, we can do it.”

“I don’t mind,” she says and it sounds like she is desperate to do something for Bram. It almost feels like refusing her would be cruel. Bram is not a cruel person.

“Sure.”

She disappears in the kitchen and Bram sits next to the baby. Babies are quite boring, there is a limited amount of interactions you can have with them. And yet, Bram is drawn to his brother, and there is nothing boring in simply watching him sleep. There is so much happening on his face. Bram really wonders what he might be dreaming about. How complex are his thoughts?

Simon walks in and joins him. “I think you have a new favourite person,” he comments with a smile.

“Maybe,” Bram admits.

“So… why is Stacey making us breakfast?”

“I think it’s her way of apologising.”

“Does that mean you are forgiving her?”

Bram shrugs. “It’s not like I’m holding a grudge or that I think she needs forgiveness. She can do whatever she wants, she doesn’t owe me anything. But it’s not like we can bond over this either.” Simon is about to say something and Bram doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t dislike Stacey. It’s just that he doesn’t know if he likes her either. So instead, he asks, “It’s very sunny today. My dad’s at work, Stacey will be having lunch… out. How do you feel about going to the beach? We can go to Tybee Island.”

“Sure. Sounds fun.”

 

Tybee Island is one of Bram’s favourite place. Not only is it beautiful, it is also full of memories of him going to the beach with his parents when they were still a happy family. Since the divorce, Bram came here regularly, alone, to swim or read a book on the beach. It feels right to take Simon to this place.

When they make it to the beach, it’s still morning. They plan to spend time on the beach while it’s still relatively empty, have lunch somewhere, and then walk around for Bram to show Simon all his favourite spots.

They have been settled on the sand for less than five minutes when two girls walk all the way to them, asking for directions. Bram plays dumb, giving them the directions, pretending to ignore that they are clearly flirting and that they were hoping that they would take them there. Or ask them to join them for a while.

When the girls leave, Bram tries to ignore Simon’s annoying smile. “What?” Bram asks.

“Oh, come on. She was _so_ into you.”

“I think they were hitting on both of us.”

“Right. Because I’m clearly the hot one in our relationship,” Simon jokes. “I’ve always been such a girl-magnet.”

“Excuse me, if I recall, I am not the one who had someone crushing on them for months.” Simon smiles at that, always surprised and pleased to remember that Bram didn’t just choose Jacques, he also chose Simon. Bram loves boosting Simon’s pride, just like Simon does when he calls him hot, or smart, or when his jaw drops a little bit when Bram gets undressed, or when he looks at him with dreamy eyes and soft smile, love spread all over his face.

Right now, he really wants to kiss Simon. But the beach is sort of crowded, even for a morning, it’s still Georgia, and even if he were comfortable with that, he doesn’t know if Simon is. So instead, he asks Simon if he wants to go for a swim.

They get into the water and soon they are racing. Bram can’t help but be impressed. Bram has more stamina, but Simon is fast. Bram wins, but just barely.

Then they lay on their backs and let themselves float. Bram closes his eyes to enjoy the sun on his face, the salt of the water on his lips, the movement of the waves carrying his body. Under the water, where no one can see, he puts his hand on Simon’s back and lets his fingers rub his lean muscles.

Bram’s mind is carefree and he feels happy. A year ago, he never thought he would end up there. Out, in love, loved, with a brother…

 

They go back to the beach and as they dry themselves, Bram gets some sunscreen out. Simon looks at him funny and says: “I have a stupid question.”

“Okay.”

“Please don’t make fun of me.”

‘I won’t.”

“Can you get a sunburn?” Bram can’t help but laugh. “You said you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not. It’s a cute question. I don’t actually know? I never got one, but then again my mom is really strict on me getting sunscreen, because I definitely can get skin cancer.” Simon then frowns, and Bram answers before Simon can ask: “No, it wasn’t a racist question. You just suck at biology and you believe anything you read online.”

“I do not.”

“Excuse me, I saw the minute of doubt on your face after that YouTube video claiming that alien built the pyramids.”

“They were making good points.”

“No, they weren’t.”

Simon blushes a little, but he is still smiling. It was late, they were both in bed, watching ransom videos online, and Bram will always remember the hysterical laugh he had looking at Simon’s half-asleep face tried to judge whether the video had a point or not.

“Then again, aliens would be a better reality than slave labour.” And Bram can’t really argue with that argument. He doesn’t even feel like telling Simon that slaves in Ancient Egypt were not actually building the pyramids.

 

They make it back home before dinner. Levi is properly crying when they get there, and Bram picks up the baby so he can try to put him to sleep again. This time, he can’t, but Levi still stops crying as soon as Bram holds him. He feels so proud of that. Partly because of the pride he can see in his father’s eyes when he is looking at them. Maybe Garrett was right. Maybe his dad didn’t replace him with his new baby. Maybe there is room for both of them.

“Bram, how do you feel about not going to soccer camp and spending your summer being a baby whisperer?” Stacey asks. They all laugh, but Bram gets the feeling that she’s only half joking.

“I don’t think Garrett would forgive you,” Simon comments.

“Is Garrett a friend from soccer camp?” Bram’s father asks. Simon’s eyes go wide and Bram’s heart breaks a little. He has spoken about Garrett to his dad before. It just shows how disconnected from his life his father is.

“We met at camp,” Bram answers. “But he is also on my team at school.”

“You met Garrett as soccer camp?” Simon asks.

“Yes. The summer before I joined Creekwood High.”

“How did I not know that?”

Bram shrugs – as much as he can with a baby in his arms. “I don’t know. We don’t really talk about it. I really didn’t like Garrett at camp. We didn’t really talk that much, and I thought he was a douche. But then in September, he looked genuinely happy to see me again, and he was welcoming, helpful, and just… Garrett. He just grew on me.”

“He sounds like an acquired taste,” Stacey notices.

Simon laughs and Bram gives him the Look. “He can be,” Simon agrees. “But he and Bram are a package deal.”

“Which means that he probably is a great person,” Bram’s dad says. “Bram only surrounds himself by quality people.” Bram sorts of hears an apology for the comment his dad made about Simon’s mock SAT score in that sentence, but he also knows that his dad wouldn’t have noticed on his own that he might have been hurtful. This comes from Stacey.

Bram would like it better if he could either hate or adore her. He doesn’t like going back and forth between confusing feelings.

 

Just before dinner, Bram is setting the table while his dad is in the kitchen. Simon enters the dining room with Levi in his arms. Apparently, Stacey needed a bathroom break before putting the baby to bed.

Bram understands what Simon meant when he said that it is sexy to see your boyfriend holding a baby.

Bram knows that they are nowhere near there, and that high school love stories never make it the long way, but he can definitely picture an older Simon holding a baby of his own. That vision overwhelms Bram for a second. He probably won’t be the man next to Simon when that happens, but right now, he really wishes he will be.

 

Two days later, Bram’s father is at work, Stacey is at the paediatrician for a routine check-up on Levi, and the two lovers are making the most of an empty house. They have been very well behaved since that day at the beach, feeling a bit awkward about getting physical with Levi in the house since he is always awake at random times.

Right now though, there isn’t any baby in the house. No adult either. They can get noisy if they want to. Bram fully intends to get Simon noisy. They are in their boxers, making out, they are both hard, and everything feels like not enough.

Bram breaks the kiss and looks at Simon, insanely hot with his cheeks flushed, his lips swollen, his hair messier than ever, his pupils dilated. He looks the perfect combination of hot and beautiful.

“Babe? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I… I was thinking…” Bram is nervous. He doesn’t know how to ask what he wants to ask. He doesn’t know if they are there yet. He would be completely fine with Simon saying no, but he doesn’t want to upset him, or make him feel pressured.

“What is it?”

“I was thinking about… maybe… taking another step?”

“What kind of step?”

“The one involving the supplies in the nightstand…”

Simon blushes instantly. “Bram… I… it’s not that I don’t want to, I really do, but… I don’t think I’m ready for sex.”

“I don’t mean full on sex. I mean… we should leave the condoms in there and… maybe… just get the lube out?”

Simon’s eyes dart to the nightstand and he stares at it as if he could see inside of it. Bram can see that he is considering it. Bram waits, gently rubbing his thumb on Simon’s neck. Simon can take all the time he needs. And when the answer comes, Bram is fine with a yes, he is fine with a later, and he is fine with a no.

“Yeah…” Simon says finally. “Yeah, let’s try that.” He looks at Bram and even though he seems nervous, his gaze is confident.

For a moment, none of them moves. They simply stare at each other. Then Bram asks “Should we talk about it?”

“Probably.”

“Have you… tried that before? On yourself I mean?” Simon blushes even harder and breaks the eye-contact. Bram puts a kiss on his forehead. “Hey, Love, don’t do that. Stay with me.” Simon’s eyes are back on Bram’s. “It’s me. It’s just me. I love you. I won’t judge you. If you have, it’s hot. If you haven’t, it’s hot to think I’ll be the first one in there. But we need to be able to say those things. Even if it’s embarrassing. It shouldn’t be. Not between us. Not anymore.”

Simon kisses Bram, almost desperately. For a moment, Bram thinks that it’s the end of that. That Simon is not comfortable going there yet, and that they are going to take this moment in another direction. But then Simon breaks the kiss and says: “A couple of times.”

Bram can feel his eyes widen from the surprise. “Oh. How was it?”

“I don’t know. Weird. Good. I don’t know. You?”

Bram feels his cheek heat up. But he can’t be the hypocrite who asks Simon to share and then refuse to do the same because it’s awkward. He is not the kid who can’t speak in front of Simon anymore. Talking about sex still makes him very uncomfortable, but only when it’s with other people. Maybe it’s because he’s in a relationship, or maybe it’s the ‘Simon effect’. “No.”

“So… you don’t want to try?”

“I do. I did a lot of research about… anal sex in general, and I really want to try. At least… _this_ … and see how it feels. But, I don’t know. I wasn’t that comfortable exploring my own body. I know it’s weird, but…”

“It’s not,” Simon interrupts. “Whatever you feel, whatever you want or don’t want to do, it’s valid.”

“Yeah, but other people…”

“Okay, stop. First of all, let’s not care about other people. It’s you and me. If I suddenly found out that what we’ve been doing all this time is not what is supposed to be done, I’d still want to do it. Because you make me feel so good. Every time. But also… you’ve been looking at stuff online. Weren’t you the one making fun of me for giving too much credit to what I find online?”

Bram can’t help but smile. “Okay, Mr wise-ass.”

“Abraham Greenfeld… What sort of language is that?” And Simon’s lips are back on Bram’s. They make out for a while, putting themselves back into a place where it’s more about feeling than thinking. Underwear gets lost soon and Bram is harder than ever.

He reaches for his nightstand and Simon’s lips are on his neck. Bram almost can’t think.

“Si?”

“Yeah?”

“I… Would you do it first?”

“Sure.”

“It’s just… you’ve done it before, and I haven’t, and I’m a bit nervous, and…”

“Babe. I already said yes.”

Bram smiles. He is so grateful for Simon. Suddenly, Simon takes charge. Completely. Bram always finds it so hot when Kinky Simon appears, but today is even more arousing.

Soon, Bram is on all four, Simon behind him. Simon is gently rubbing his back with one hand, whispering loving words to him, the forefinger of his other hand covered in lube, gently entering Bram.

“God… Simon…”

“Are you good?”

“Yeah, it’s just… I need a second.” It’s not unpleasant, it’s just new. It’s a lot of new sensations, and Bram needs a moment to adjust.

“Anything you need, Babe.”

“Okay… okay, yeah. I think I’m ready.”

Simon starts moving inside of Bram, and it quickly becomes good. So good. It differs from the sensations involving his penis and Bram loves everything about this discovery. Then Simon reaches something and Bram’s entire body shudders. He nearly comes instantly. His logical brain understands that it was certainly his prostate, but his sex brain couldn’t care less. He just wants Simon to touch it again.

So he asks him to.

Simon rubs it again and the front of Bram’s body nearly collapses on the bed. Simon starts playing with Bram’s soft spot, and Bram is panting so hard that he is sort of afraid he might hyperventilate. “Wait… Si…” Simon immediately freezes. “Could you just…” Bram doesn’t know which words to put on what he wants.

“Yes?”

“Don’t move around. Just… just press on it. Please.”

Simon does, and Bram immediately thinks that this is perfect. This might the best feelings of all yet. Simon varies the pressure, but he is not rubbing anymore, and Bram feels his orgasm building up. Apparently, Simon can tell, because he uses his other hand to start jerking Bram at the same time.

Then Bram is coming, hard, biting the sheets, eyes shut close, seeing stars.

 

When it is time to return the favour to Simon, Bram isn’t nervous anymore. If he has any chance to make Simon feel as good as he just did to him, he is definitely going to.

They are both lying on their sides, Bram behind Simon. Bram takes the lube and applies it generously. He figures that too much probably won’t be an issue, whereas not enough could kill the mood. “You ready, Love?”

“Yes.”

“Comfortable?”

Simon just nods and Bram slowly starts working Simon open, kissing Simon’s neck. Simon starts making encouraging sounds, and Bram finally enters his finger in Simon. It takes a few seconds for Bram to find the little bump inside of Simon.

As he starts playing with it, two things happen. First, and most importantly, Simon starts moaning quite loudly, enough to get Bram worked up again – even if he isn’t exactly hard. But also, Simon loses his erection. Almost instantly, Simon’s dick deflates like a balloon. Bram knew it could happen, but he really didn’t think he would and for a second, he is nervous that he did something wrong.

It doesn’t last, though, because Simon’s noises and squirming indicate quite clearly that he is very much enjoying himself. Bram enjoyed pressure, but Simon seems to clearly be into the rubbing.

“Bram… I want to… can you… another one…” Simon can barely formulate his thoughts, but Bram gets it. He pours some lube on his middle finger and slowly inserts it as well. This time, he doesn’t move as frankly, giving Simon time to adjust to the added pressure.

After a while, Simon seems to be on the verge of his orgasm, but he also doesn’t seem to be getting there. Bram can’t really help him out as Simon did, so he starts kissing all his sensible spots and whispering encouraging things against his skin.

Just as Bram says “Come on, Love. You’re so beautiful when you come. Show me.”, Simon finally comes, and Bram keeps moving inside of Simon through the entire orgasm.

 

By the time Stacey comes back from the doctors, they are showered, dressed, and innocently cuddling in front of the TV.

She leaves the (perfectly healthy) baby with them to put some baby supplies away. The boys stiffen a bit because the baby stuff is stored in the laundry room, where the washing machine is currently cleaning and drying Bram’s sheets.

There is no way Stacey won’t notice, and there is no way she won’t connect the dots.

But when she comes back, she doesn’t comment and instead asks them about their plans for their last day in Savannah tomorrow.

 

 


	16. The first time they went to church together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in forever and I'm sorry. I couldn't really make this one work. It's still not my best chapter ever, but at least it's good enough to be out there. Next chapter will be out sooner!

 

**Simon**

 

Simon gets in his house after Bram dropped him home. It’s been a long drive, and he just wants to collapse on his bed and do nothing. Just lazily go through his phone. Take a nap, maybe. He hopes that his parents won’t grill him as soon as he walks in.

Simon takes a few steps in and he instantly knows that he won’t have some quiet time now. He also knows that he absolutely doesn’t care.

Alice is here!

“Bub!” She shrieks and within a second, she is standing in front of him, her arms wrapped around him. He hugs her back.

“You’re here early!”

“I know, I had friends coming home too, and we carpooled, and… it doesn’t matter. You look tanned!”

“I went to the beach.”

“Lucky you!”

He follows her to the living room where she was apparently in the middle of a craft project with Nora. “What are you doing?”

“We’re trying out designs for some emoji flyers,” Nora answers. “We might try to do a couple of concerts this summer.”

“Really? Cool! Do you want some help?”

“No, because you draw as well as Britney Spears sings without playback.”

“That’s mean,” he says.

“To be fair, she has a point,” Alice says.

“Fine, I’ll just sit there, then. Where are the parents?”

“They are at the neighbor’s house,” Alice answers. “They had a barbecue lunch, and children were not invited. They’re still not back, so I’m assuming they’re having fun.”

“So, how’s Theo?”

“Fine,” Alice answers. “How’s Bram?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine?”

Simon shrugs. “If that’s good enough for Theo, surely that’s good enough for Bram.”

“Theo isn’t my first boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Nora comments. “We all remember that guy with the fish tattoo.”

“That was a very ugly fish tattoo,” Simon agrees.

“Guys! How do you even remember that? It was something I drew on his arm and he had it for less than a day.”

“We remember because after that we could blackmail you for weeks,” Nora says with a smile. “You did my chores for two weeks just so I wouldn’t tell the parents you had a tattooed boyfriend.”

“And that’s partly why I went to university out of state. To avoid being bullied by my siblings. But seriously, Bub. I know it’s harder for you than for me, just because of the nature of your relationship. How is it going?”

“Fine. Great, actually. It’s like… you know how when you dream about something for a long time, and you get it, and it never quite matches your expectations?”

Alice has a sweet, almost motherly, smile on her face. “Bram matched your expectations?”

“Absolutely not. He exceeded them in every way.” Alice’s smile grows larger and Nora pretends to barf.

“Leave him alone, Boop.”

“She’s jealous,” Simon says as a joke.

“Of course, I’m jealous,” Nora replies, and she seems to be only half-joking. “Allie, do you remember how we make fun of Mom and Dad for still looking ridiculously in love when they look at each other? But that at least it makes us believe in love? Well, that’s nothing compared to the way Bram looks at Simon. Except in their case, it makes you want to give up on love, because there is no way you’ll find that a perfect match in your life.”

Alice laughs it off. “Well, I want to see that.”

“Honestly, don’t. You won’t believe that Theo is in love with you after that. You’ve been warned.”

“Are you two really that in love?” Alice asks Simon. He can’t say yes, because it is clearly an exaggerated statement from Nora. But he also doesn’t want to say no. It feels that big. Realistically, he understands that him and Bram are not endgame, and that they won’t be together forever. But in his teenage in love brain, it feels like he found the one. So he just shrugs instead.

“So… are you and Bram doing it?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Please note that _I_ didn’t ask about your sex life.”

“True, but you asked me about my first time.” That’s true. Back then, Simon was obsessed with love and relationships, and the fact that his sister was in love enough to potentially have sex was fascinating. Plus, he was fifteen and he really enjoyed talking about sex, collecting information for when it would be his turn.

“And thank God that wasn’t with the guy with a fish tattoo,” Nora comments, winking at Simon.

“For the last time, it was not a tattoo! But come on, Bub. You and Bram. Are you sex serious?”

“We are sex serious,” Simon answers. “But we haven’t… done it yet. Not all of it anyway.”

Alice’s eyes go wide and her mouth falls open while still smiling. “What do you mean ‘not all of it’?”

“I dunno. We’ve done stuff.” Simon feels his cheeks burning.

“What he means,” Nora intervenes, “is that there has been orgasming but no fucking.”

“Nora!”

“What? Are you going to tell me that it isn’t true? Because I can definitely tell you which day Bram made you come for the first time, you had that ridiculous look on your face for a week after that.”

“I did not.”

“Yeah? Try me. It was…” But Simon puts both his hands on her mouth. He doesn’t want to have to face the terrifying possibility that Nora might be right, and that she can read his sex life on his face.

“Okay, we’ll leave you alone,” Alice promises. “You clearly don’t really want to talk about it. But if you ever do want to talk about it, I’m here. Or a phone call away. For anything.”

“I know.”

“It’s just… we haven’t really spoken lately. I want to make sure that it’s because you’re happy. I remember you mentioning bullying?”

“I am happy. Truly. The bullying… I don’t know if it’s getting better, or if just don’t see it now that I have Bram on my side.”

“Good. But remember: I’m the oldest, therefore the wisest. Anything, you can just come to me.”

“Actually… there is one thing.” Simon thinks back of all these times he felt stupid or out of touch with Bram, or when he said things, not knowing if Bram would be offended.

“Oh?”

Simon can tell that even Nora is waiting for what comes next, slightly nervously. “Is Theo religious?”

“What?”

“Theo. Is he religious? Like… does he go to church, for instance?”

“No, he isn’t particularly religious. I think his family is catholic, but he doesn’t go to church. Why?”

“Bram is more spiritual than I am, and I don’t always know if that’s an issue for him that I’m not. We’ve not been raised in any faith, and I don’t even know if I’m baptized, and… I don’t know. Do you think it will be a deal-breaker?”

“Wow. Not the question I expected. First of all, we are not religious, but Grandma and Grandpa are Protestant. I’m pretty sure that Nana is Catholic. You are baptized, because Grandma made Mom baptize all of us. That was the easy part. Now… I don’t know how important Bram’s faith is to him, but I don’t think it’s a deal-breaker. He is still with you, and it’s been months now. It might be an issue when it comes to marriage, for instance, but…”

“But that probably won’t be with me.”

“Probably not. Look, if you want to understand more about Bram’s spirituality, or if you want to bond with him, why don’t you ask him about it? Or go to church with him?”

“He might not go to _church_ ,” Nora points out.

“True. What’s his religion?”

“He is half-Episcopalian, half-Jewish.”

“Right. I would not have guessed that one.”

 

Simon is unpacking his bag, thinking about what Alice said, when Bram calls.

“Hi, Babe. What’s up?”

“I just finished unpacking, and I was wondering if you’d like to do something tomorrow?”

“I’d love to, but Alice is here, so I’m spending quality times with my sisters. Her words, not mine.”

“She’s here early. That’s nice!”

“It is, and I’m super happy to see her, but that means I won’t get to see you that much before you leave for soccer camp.”

“Simon, we just spent a week together.”

“I know. And it was great.”

“It was.” Simon’s brain is on their _exploring_ , and from his tone, he can tell that it is what Bram is thinking about as well. “Look, I’ll try to see you before I have to go to camp. How about Friday?”

“I can’t, my parents are taking the whole family to Atlanta for a ‘fun family day’. Again, their words, not mine. Saturday?”

“I can’t. Actually… Are you ready for this? Because I wasn’t. I’m meeting my mom’s boyfriend on Saturday.”

“Oh, wow. Really?”

“Yes. She told me about him today, and… I think it’s serious. She seems to really like him. She told me that she didn’t want things to be awkward for e, and I had to remind her that my dad is married and has a baby. She is entitled to her own life as well.”

“How did they meet?”

“Apparently, they have a friend in common who played matchmakers or something.”

“Well, it’s better than Tinder.”

“Please, do _NOT_ put that kind of images in my head!”

Simon laughs, and says. “That only leaves Sunday.”

“I’m busy during the day,” Bram says sounding properly sorry. “But maybe Sunday evening? I don’t have to leave too early on Monday.”

“Sure. We could have dinner with my sisters? I know that Alice would like to meet you. Properly meet you. You barely exchanged names, last time.”

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

“But… talking about Sunday… are you going to church?”

“In general, or this Sunday?”

“This Sunday.”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t planning to, why?”

“I’d like to go with you.”

“You want to go to church with me?”

“Yeah. Look… I really don’t mean that I will come with you every week, and I also don’t think that I’m going to find God, or Jesus, or whatever on Sunday, but… I’m tired of feeling like there is a big part of your life that I don’t understand. I understand if you don’t want me to, but…”

“Simon, breathe.” Simon obeys. “I don’t expect you to come to church every week. I don’t go to church every week. And I don’t expect you to find God. But I think it’s sweet that you want to try it once. I’ll talk to my mom, and I’m sure we can come and pick you up. She’ll be thrilled that we would go with her.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. But, Love, you don’t have to do this, you know? I’m between religions myself, and I have a complicated relationship with God. I’m fine with you being atheist, or agnostic.”

“I know. But it’s important to you, so I want to live it, even if it’s just once.”

“I love you.”

Simon can feel, even through the phone, that Bram fully means it in this moment. “I love you more. So… see you Sunday morning?”

“It’s not a thing. About Sunday, I’ll text you the details.”

 

On Saturday, Bram texts that meeting the boyfriend was a bit awkward, but that he was nice, and that he seems to really like his mother too. According to Bram, they seem happy. Simon knows that it was something on Bram’s mind. Leaving for college and leaving his mom alone.

For that reason, more than any other, Simon truly wishes that Mrs. Greenfeld and her new boyfriend are going to be blissfully happy, and that Bram will be able to leave for college feeling completely free. Even if there is a terrifying reality behind that wish that Simon is not ready to face yet.

 

Sunday morning, Simon is ready at half-past eight to be picked up in the next ten minutes or so.

“I can’t believe this boy,” Jack comments as he is having breakfast with Emily, Simon nervously playing with his phone across the table. Not playing on his phone, he is turning the object itself between his fingers. “First he made Simon play soccer _for fun_ , then he makes him get up at a single-digit time on a Sunday, _during the summer_ break, to go to _church_. Plus he cleans his room whenever Bram comes around.”

“Are you telling me that you think Bram is doing a better job than us at parenting Simon?” Emily asks, playing along with her husband’s joke for once.

“All I’m saying is thank God he’s gay, because he needs Bram to sort him out before college.”

“Very funny,” Simon comments.

“Simon, why do you look so nervous?” Emily asks.

“We’ve never been to church. What if I don’t know what to do?”

“You literally just have to sit and listen,” Jack answers. “If you see people standing, follow their lead. If they start singing… move your lips.”

“What do we even think about God?” Simon asks.

“ _We_ do not think anything,” Emily answers. “I have beliefs, your dad has beliefs, and you do too. But _we_ cannot all have the same ones. And it’s fine if, at eighteen years old, you’re still not sure what they are. Is that something you would want? More religion?”

“No. I don’t think so. It’s just… before Bram, I never thought about it too much. Not just God, but also… the relationship other people might have to religion. It even seemed a bit alien in my head that teenagers would be actively religious. Nick and Leah aren’t. I don’t think I will be either, I just want to see what it’s like for Bram.”

“There is more to being religious than going to church,” Emily says.

“Also, we’ve seen Bram on Sundays. I don’t think he goes to mass that often.”

“So going to church with him is not a good idea?”

“No, it is,” Emily says. “It is a lovely gesture, and you are genuinely interested in that part of his life. We are just pointing out that whatever you get out of today, this will not be representative of Bram’s spiritual life. Especially given that he has two religions.”

“I know. But it’s a step.”

“It is indeed.”

 

Simon absolutely doesn’t regret doing this for Bram. With Bram. As predicted, he didn’t find God, and he doesn’t really feel more religious now than he did yesterday, but he does understand better this part of Bram’s life.

Being there was like entering a small community. The pastor greeted Bram and his mother by name, and looked genuinely interested to be introduced to Simon. Simon who was surprised to be introduced as Bram’s boyfriend, and nobody even blinked at it. Bram even took Simon’s hand at some point. In public. No one stared.

Bram explained that a couple of months ago, a married lesbian couple who just moved in joined the congregation and everyone was very accepting. Bram said that he sort of wishes that happened sooner, when he was still struggling with being out. That may be, he would have been less scared of shifting from Blue to Bram. Simon told him that they had their happy ending anyway and Bram smiled one of his happy smiles that always melts Simon’s heart.

If Simon can be honest, he found the whole thing a bit long. Especially the parts about the Bible itself, but he very much enjoyed when the pastors – there were more than one – extended their preaching to everyday life. Especially the parts about tolerance and understanding. Simon did not find God. But maybe he found a bit of spirituality.

He tells just that to Mrs. Greenfeld when she asks him if he enjoyed it. “Simon, have you ever looked at something, in nature or in humankind, and had to stop for a moment, thinking about how beautiful that is?”

“Yes.”

“Then you found God. God is in everything that’s beautiful or good. If you can see the beauty of the world, then it’s enough.”

“Wouldn’t God also want me to go to church?”

“No. God wants you to be kind, selfless and righteous. He wants you to be your better self. In my opinion, and I admit that I might not hols the Truth, but in my opinion, God will love you more for being an honestly good person than for going to church. Although He might like you to do both.”

“Aren’t you supposed to encourage me to come to church?” Simon asks, only half-joking.

“Simon, I married a Jewish man and I raised a mixed-faith son. I am fine with Omnism.” So… that’s another word Simon will have to Google later.

 

Bram spends the day with his mother and his boyfriend again, but he is already at WaHo when Simon and his sisters enter. He ordered drinks already, and Alice seems very impressed that he ordered her favorite.

Simon sits next to Bram and Alice sits in front of him. She has a nice smile on her face, but Simon can tell that she is appraising Bram, in a way. Simon can tell from Bram’s serene expression that he knows that, and he’s quietly letting her do that.

“So, Bram, do you know what Nora is saying about you?”

Bram’s eyes dart to Nora, but there is no trace of concern in them. He gets along well with Nora. “I do not.”

“She says that you are ridiculously in love with my brother.”

“Well. There might be some truth in that.”

“You know the saying, right? If you break his heart, I will have to ruin your entire life.”

Bram’s eyes sparkle when he answers: “I’m pretty sure that it’s not exactly what everyone else says. But fair enough.”

“I like you,” she says, leaning back in her seat.

“And I sort of feel like I dodged a bullet.”

“You did,” Nora confirms.

 

They order food and talk about everything until Bram’s academic side surfaces. “Simon told me that you are studying economics. It sounds interesting.”

“It is and it isn’t. If I can give you a piece of advice it's to study something you really are passionate about. Having to work so hard on something is going to make you hate it sometimes, so if you don’t love it at first, you have no chance at going through all four years of it. I love economics, but… many times this year I wondered if it was worth it.”

“I’m sure it will be.”

“Oh, yeah. And it is. Most days. When I don’t have exams.”

“I get that.”

“No, you don’t,” Simon comments. “You pass every single exam. You won’t understand the real pressure of exams until you failed one.”

“For some people, a B is a fail,” Bram answers. There is no judgment or condescendence in his voice. He is just stating a fact, and Simon remembers the high academic expectations his father has for him.

“Planning on being valedictorian?” Alice asks.

“Not really. I mean, I would love to, I just don’t plan on it, or especially work for it. I am however applying to Ivy Leagues, and I think I have a shot at an academic scholarship, so that’s what I’m working for.”

“Really? Wow. I didn’t realize. I thought since you’re going to spend two weeks at soccer camp that you were hoping for a sports scholarship.”

“No, I just like the game. I went to camp last year with a couple of guys from the team and it was great fun. I’m good, but I don’t think I’m college-level kind of good. I don’t want to play varsity in college anyway. I feel like it would take too much time from everything else.”

“Fair enough. So, what’s soccer camp like?”

“I’m not going to lie, it’s painful. We do various physical activities for four hours in the morning, and we play for four hours in the evening. On Saturdays we have tournaments, and on Sunday we entirely clean the whole center in the morning, and in the afternoon,  we have theoretical sessions on sports and how it impacts your organism.”

“Sounds… pretty intense.”

“It is. But it’s a type of challenge that I don’t face regularly, and ninety percent of the boys there are working to be recruited by a university. It’s nice to be surrounded by people who are constantly giving their best.” Bram looks at Simon. “Even if that means fourteen days without talking to Simon.”

“You’ll talk on the phone,” Alice tempers.

“Nope,” Simon bitterly replies. “It’s a phone-free camp. No call, no text, no facetime, no nothing.”

“Oh. Sucks for you Bub. How are you going to make sure that no soccer player is going to steal your boyfriend?” Simon laughs with the others, but he doesn’t find it funny.

“I asked Garrett to keep an eye on him.”

“Right,” Nora snorts. Because you’re the one Garrett is going to be loyal to.”

“Who’s Garrett?” Alice asks.

“Bram’s golden retriever puppy,” Nora answers. Simon must admit, it’s a funny – and somewhat accurate – definition. One that Garrett would totally own. “But has Simon told you what they’re doing next?”

“Oh, yes! The road trip! I can imagine Dad saying yes, but how on Earth did you convince Mom?”

“I said I was going with Bram.”

“Come on, seriously.” But Alice sees on Simon and Nora’s faces that it is all it took. She looks at Bram. “How magic are you?”

Bram laughs and blushes so slightly that Simon is probably the only one to be able to tell. “We had to give them a really detailed itinerary,” Bram tempers. “And we have to call twice a day. Each parent.”

“Still. They didn’t even let me go on Spring break.”

“Yeah, not the same thing,” Nora says. “Even I tell see that.”

“Anyway, if they let you go on Spring break, I’m changing family.”

“Oh, they’ll let me if Bram’s going,” Simon jokes.

“Stop showing off with your perfect boyfriend. So… where are you going on your road trip?”

“New Orleans. Well, it’s more detailed than that, but it’s pretty much there and back.”

“Hey, Alice, do you want to see something disgustingly cute? Simon, tell Bram you love him.”

Simon shows her his middle finger instead.

 

“Alice told me that she likes you," Simon tells Bram as he is walking him to his car.

“I like her too. I like seeing you with your sisters. It’s so different from my family life. Even with Levi… we’ll never have that bond of growing up together.”

“She’s fine now. Growing up, she was very annoying.”

Bram smiles. “Well… you were outnumbered.”

“I was. They’re not always this intense, though. I think it’s meeting you. Even Nora was excited about introducing you to Alice.”

“If she’s still here when I get back, we can hang out again before our little trip.”

“Yeah, sounds great.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t have time together since Savannah.”

“Don’t worry. I love you for more than your magic fingers.” Bram has an awkward laugh and blushes. Simon feels a bit bold and decides to make Bram blush a little bit more. “You know what? I think I’ll send you some dirty texts tonight. Something to remember me by when you’re away without your phone, surrounded by countless hot soccer players.”

But Bram isn’t blushing anymore. “Oh yeah? I can’t wait. I might send you some as well. After all, I’m the one leaving you behind with Cal Price.”

Simon laughs and kisses Bram. He loves that they finally are in a place where they can laugh about it.

Bram gets in his car, and Simon walks back to his sisters, already drafting his first text in his mind.

 

 


	17. The first time Bram was tempted by someone else

**Bram**

 

When Garrett parks his car at camp, Bram takes a moment to recall the last time he was here. It was the summer before he joined his new school, and he wanted to do something to take his mind off his dad’s wedding, moving to a new, unknown city, having to make new friends when he was never good at it, and not being able to run from the fact that he was one hundred percent gay.

On the first day, he met an arrogant white douche that happened to go to his new school. By the end of the first week, Bram and the (actually not so) douche were inseparable.

“I know you’ve only been here once,” Garrett says getting the bags out of the car, “but I’ve been here every summer since just before joining freshman year. I’m going to miss it.”

“Hopefully, it will be money well spent and you’ll get your scholarship.”

“You know what? You probably have more karma points than me. Pray for that to both your Gods.”

“It’s the same God.”

“Don’t be selfish and pray twice anyway.”

 

The check-in and, after the mandatory phone search, learn that they are going to share a room with four other boys. One of them is Toby from their own soccer team, two boys that Bram doesn’t know, and Andrew Scott, that Bram remembers from the previous year.

When they get into the room, Toby is already there, unpacking, talking to a boy Bram doesn’t know. He gets introduced as Freddy, and he is one of the boys sharing the room.

Just as Bram finishes unpacking, two other boys enter the room. The first one, Leo, Bram didn’t recognize his name on the sheet, but he definitely recognizes his face from last year. The second one is Andrew, and he looks exactly as Bram remembers. Same neat black hair, same almond eyes, same nose and cheekbones, same warm smile.

Bram might have had a slight crush on him last year. Back then, Bram was finally done lying to himself about his sexuality, and Andrew was just… perfect. He was this happy, confident, handsome boy who always had a kind word for people, was gently teased by his friends for being an academic book worm, he was insanely good at soccer, and there was this ridiculously cute thing his nose does when he laughs. Bram also over-heard him once talking about how having a Canadian father and a Japanese mother sometimes meant that he struggles to find his identity, and it just sounded so familiar to Bram. He was a better, more confident version of Bram, and a year ago, Bram would have given anything to be noticed by him.

It’s different now. The boy is still insanely cute, and Bram remembers his crush like it never went away, but now there is Simon. And Andrew is no Simon.

Bram is surprised – and pleased – that Leo and Andrew both remember his name.

 

The first week is always the hardest of the two. Even if Bram is in shape, he isn’t in shape enough to easily start doing sport for eight hours a day. The camp staff knows it and they go easy on them for the first couple of days. ‘Easy’ for an athletic camp still doesn’t mean easy, though, and Bram’s body is sore from the first evening. Bram enjoys that challenge, though. Pushing his limits, getting better… He is also extremely impressed by how easy some of the boys make it seem. Including Garrett.

Then again, Garrett is one of the students hoping to play varsity at university, and maybe even get a scholarship for it, even if it won’t be a ‘full-ride’ for soccer. He probably spent the first half of the summer break properly training instead of exploring someone’s body. Even though Bram is pretty sure that Garrett and Leah hooked-up a couple of times post-break-up.

That train of thoughts takes Bram back to Simon, and the texts the exchanged the night before he left. They were hot, and Bram wishes he could have taken his phone with him, if only to be able to read them over and over again. They started by sending back and forth things they’d like to do to the other one, but the exchanged shifted to ‘I love it when you…’ That was still hot, but it was also a way for them to let the other know what they are into, when it can be hard to say at loud in front of the other person. Bram is definitely coming out of his shell with Simon, but he is still a shy boy deep down, and he finds it hard sometimes to talk about what he enjoyed, and what he truly loved, especially afterward, when the heat of the moment is gone.

Bram is taken out of his thoughts by a piece of paper landing on his desk. It’s from Andrew, but Andrew’s eyes are already back on the board, taking note on the lecture about muscles during effort. Bram opens the piece of paper which says: ‘ _Next week I won’t play nice_ ’. This makes Bram smile. Even though they share a room, they weren’t drafted on the same team for the Saturday tournaments. Bram’s team didn’t win the tournament, but they crushed Andrew’s team. To be fair, Bram’s team also has Toby and Garrett, and they already know how to play together.

At this point, Bram already knows he’s in trouble, but he won’t admit it to himself yet. He thinks that it doesn’t matter that his crush on Andrew is back, and is getting more intense now that he can talk to him and that the two of them are getting along so well. It doesn’t matter because Andrew’s straight. It doesn’t matter because it will be gone in a week. It doesn’t matter because there is Simon.

Also, he isn’t ready to have to think about what it means, and what that makes him. So he disregards the entire thing. It’s reminiscences from a previous crush, and it won’t lead anywhere anyway. It’s not like he actually wants anything to happen with Andrew.

 

Andrew didn’t lie. The following Saturday, he’s there to win. Bram’s team wins the tournament this time, but not the match against Andrew’s team.

“Great job today,” Andrew tells Bram, Toby, Garrett, and Freddy when he comes back from his shower, after dinner.

“Thanks,” Garrett replies. “But you nearly cost us victory.”

Andrew shrugs it off. “I tried.”

“No, honestly,” Toby says, “You were unlucky with your draft team, but you really carried the team out.”

“I’m just playing defense.”

“The toughest one I had to go through,” Garrett says putting his football boots away. They won’t need them anymore. They don’t play on Sundays and they leave Monday morning.

“But you went through,” Andrew replies, modestly. “Honestly, you were so fast! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so quick.”

“You know what they say. It’s one percent talent and ninety-nine percent work.”

“Hoping to get recruited?” Leo asks.

“Yes and no. Obviously, I’d love to be recruited, but I also love the game. When you love something and you have some talent for it, you should nurture it. Plus I used to have issues focusing at school. It’s getting better since I seriously practice sports.”

“I know what you mean,” Freddy says. “I have ADHD, and it feels like I can only get on top of it if I take my meds, plus sport, plus meditation."

“You meditate?” Toby asks, surprised.

“Just when things get too scrambly in my head. I know it doesn’t sound cool, but it helps.”

“Meditation is getting trendy,” Garrett says. “And I bet girls love that.”

“They do,” Freddy confirms with a smile. “According to Sarah Colley, and trust me she’s hot, it shows that ‘I am connected to my inner self’. I don’t know what that means, but she kissed me after that.”

“She was probably drunk,” Leo says, and Freddy throws a dirty jersey at his face.

“Boys, we’re on a good-news/bad-news kind of situation,” Toby says. “Bad news is, we’re leaving on Monday, and most of us won’t return next summer, me included. So we have one more day together. Good news is, I sneaked this in.” Toby gets a bottle of flavored rum out of his bag.

“How did you get that past the search?” Bram asks, more impressed by the achievement itself than by the alcohol.

“I’ve got my secrets.”

 

Bram never drinks, but it is his last summer at camp, and probably the last time he’ll see most of these guys, so he gets one drink. He’s not drunk, but he’s not sober either.

At some point, he needs some air. Obviously, he can’t let any of the staff see him like this, but there is a window on the second floor that doesn’t really close, and boys have been using it for years as it leads to the roof of the cafeteria. Some boys go there to smoke, some boys go there to use the fire stairs and have a midnight game. It sounds fun in theory, but after eight hours of soccer, the last thing Bram wants is to skip on his sleeping hours to go play more soccer.

He sits on the roof, wondering what he is sitting on. Those flat rooftops are often covered with this weird, almost bouncy material. Bram’s drunken brain wonders for a second if it is the same stuff they put on playgrounds. He could Google it, but he doesn’t have a phone. It’s the kind of questions that Simon might ask.

Just before Bram can let himself sink in the feeling that he misses Simon, he hears a noise behind him and Andrew joins him on the roof.

He sits next to Bram and looks at the starry sky. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Bram confirms.

“Sometimes, when my life gets a lot, I just look at the stars, and it reminds me that I’m nothing. Compared to the universe, I don’t matter.”

“According to the anthropic principle, just the fact that you can create that thought means that you matter.”

Andrew smiles. “True. But it puts things into perspective. And then I can think about all the people who have bigger issues than me, and I keep telling myself that if they can do it, so can I. it gets me going for an extra day, you know?”

“I do. It’s better now, but I used to stress about everything. I couldn’t deal with less than perfection. I think I needed order because it took me a while to get a sense of identity.”

“How so?”

Bram shrugs. “Black Episcopalian scientist mom, white Jewish literature professor dad. They’re like ice and fire. It might be why they got divorced.”

“People don’t get divorced because they’re different. They get divorced because they get tired of compromising. You just need to find the kind of different that works for you, or be ready to admit that, maybe, that person isn’t your forever.”

“That’s deep.”

“Tough break-up this year. Anyway. Two religions. Which one were you brought up in?”

“Both. I still practice both. I know it’s unconventional.”

“No, I get that. My dad’s Catholic, but my mom’s Shintoist. I think it’s great that you think you’re both, because I feel like I’m neither. And I know you’re biracial, but your mom is American, my mom’s properly Japanese. I’m constantly lost between two cultures.”

“But you speak two languages and you have been to two continents. How amazing is that?”

Andrew blushes a little bit and that is absolutely adorable. “I don’t know what happened to you this year, but I sort of wish I knew this Bram last year. Don’t get me wrong, you were awesome, but we didn’t really bond either.”

“No, true. I was pretty much with Garrett all the time. I think he’s the only one who really talked to me,” Bram points out.

“True. You were so serious all the time. I found you very intimidating.”

“Stop it!”

“No, it’s true. Plus, I was dealing with stuff, so I wasn’t brave enough to try to make a friend out of the intimidating new kid.”

“What kind of stuff?”

Andrew goes quiet for a moment and Bram thinks that maybe he overstepped. But then he says, his voice softer than before, “I came out this year.” Bram knows that his surprise probably shows on his face. “Sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“You didn’t.”

“Because it doesn’t change anything. I won’t hit on you in the locker room, or…”

“You didn’t,” Bram repeats. “Actually… I came out this year too.”

Andrew’s jaw drops an inch or two. “You’re gay?”

“I am,” Bram confirms.

“I wish I knew that last year.”

“Yeah. It would have been nice to have extra support, wouldn’t it?”

“Sure, there is that. But there was also me having the biggest crush on you.” For a second, Bram doesn’t know what to think about that. It is a strange feeling, knowing that he had a crush on someone who liked him back. Bram loves Simon, he loves what they have, and he loves their story. But he is still a bit bitter when he thinks that he was so into Simon and that Simon barely even acknowledged him. Simon was into Cal Price.

It makes Bram feel special to know that someone had a crush on him. Had ‘the biggest crush’ on him. “You know what? I might have had a crush on you too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s a terrible missed opportunity, isn’t it?” Bram says as a joke, but his voice is slightly shaking.

“I don’t know. Maybe we weren’t ready then, but now is our second chance.” Bram knows straight away that this is a terrible idea. He needs to tell Andrew about Simon right now. But Andrew’s eyes fall on Bram’s lips, turning his stomach to jelly and reducing him to silence. He never was able to talk to cute boys.

Andrew starts leaning in.

That’s when Garrett comes out of the window. He stops, realizing that he interrupted something. But he doesn’t apologize, and he doesn’t leave. So Andrew does, saying that it’s time for bed.

After a minute or so, Garrett asks: “B, what the hell are you doing?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Well start thinking. Because if you do this, you will have to tell Simon, or worse, I will have to tell Simon. Loyalty doesn’t apply to cheating. And then he will dump your sorry ass, and senior year is going to be all kinds of awkward.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Was anything going to?”

“Of course not!”

Garrett seems to believe Bram because he lets it go. Maybe he shouldn’t. Bram is ninety-nine percent sure that if Garrett didn’t show up, he would have turned Andrew down. The remaining one percent haunts him.

 

Bram isn’t alone with Andrew again until Monday morning. The other boys are still having breakfast, and Bram gets back to their room to finish packing. Andrew is there, shirtless, apparently freshly out of the shower, and Bram refuses to admit that the view does something to him.

Andrew puts a shirt on as soon as Bram walks in, slightly blushing. “Hi, Bram.”

“Hi.”

“So about the other night…”

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

“I know, but I want to. Look… I meant what I said. I really like you. I think you’re the smartest, kindest, most adorable person I know. And this last fortnight… We got along much better than I thought we would. Crushes usually never live up to reality. I know it’s our last day, but Marietta isn’t that far from Atlanta, and I thought maybe we could get coffee someday? See if there is something there?”

“Andrew, I… I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh. I mean… of course you do.”

“His name is Simon.”

“Is it serious?”

“Very. Trust me, he’s the only reason preventing me to say yes.”

Andrew steps into Bram’s space and puts his lips on Bram’s. It’s not even really a kiss. Bram doesn’t kiss him back, but he doesn’t push him away either. It lasts for two seconds. Four heartbeats. And then Andrew steps back. “I just wanted to know how it felt. Before having to let go.”

Andrew leaves the room. Bram isn’t mad, or annoyed about the kiss. He knows he sent some very mixed signals, and if he’s honest with himself, he wanted to know how it would feel too. Kissing Simon has always been better. But it would also be lying to say that he didn’t feel anything, just now.

 

How is he even going to begin explaining this one to Simon?

 

 


	18. The first time someone came out to Simon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that technically Cal Price came out _in front of_ Simon and that Bram sort of came out to him, but it's my story, I can choose my titles. (Yes, it is a very childish way to hide my lack of title creativity).

**Simon**

 

“How long until Bram comes back?” Leah asks.

“One week.”

“Any withdrawal symptoms yet?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Simon answers. “I started having those twenty minutes after he left.”

Leah rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “I can’t believe the two of you are going to make me believe in love.” Simon can’t believe how much Bram is making him believe in love either.

The two of them are lying on Simon’s bed. She is on her stomach, lazily turning the pages of a magazine, Simon is on his back, looking at the light and shadow patterns projected on his ceiling by the sunlight going through the trees.

Leah takes Simon’s phone to look at something. She unlocks the screen and her mouth opens wide.

“What?” That’s when Simon remembers what he was reading before she arrived.

“Simon… Who knew that shy, adorable Bram Greenfeld had such filthy fingers? Is that how you’re overcoming your withdrawal?”

Simon is full-on blushing now. “Leah… can I tell you something? Before Nick gets here.”

“Sure.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“It would be much more impressive if I knew what you mean by ‘it’.”

“Sex.”

“You’re a teenager. Reading sexts. Of course you’re thinking about sex.”

“Okay, Miss I-Am-Unhelpful-On-Purpose. Let me spell it out for you. I’m thinking about having sex with Bram. Not right now, obviously. I mean that I am more and more thinking about having full-on gay sex with my boyfriend. Is it weird that I’m telling you?”

“No. I think it’s good that we can talk about the intimate shit in our lives. As long as you don’t give me details and you stop calling in ‘full-on gay sex’,” she adds.

“Deal.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Yeah. I’m not entirely there yet, and every time I think about asking him to move forward, I freak out a bit, but… I love him so much, you know? I really want to take that next step with him. Plus, he’s really hot.”

“He is very hot,” Leah admits. “Who knew you would ever date a jock?”

“He’s not a jock. And if he were, then you would have dated one as well.”

Leah smiles. “I don’t think Garrett and I exactly dated.”

“Leah? Did you sleep with Garrett?”

Leah’s eyes fall on Simon’s face. They never talked about it. They never really talked about any of the Garrett situation. Simon thought that she would come to him at some point, but he probably just underestimated how much Leah hates to open up. “I did.”

“But you weren’t in love with him.” It’s a statement more than a question.

“No.”

“Then why did you?”

“Simon… you have Bram, and you’re in love, and even if you deny it, you’re a big romantic nerd. I… I don’t really connect with people like that. I don’t have people liking me back. And then came Garrett. From the beginning, we both knew we weren’t in love and we weren’t going to be. I don’t love him, but I really like him. He’s nice, he’s fun, he doesn’t judge, and he’s been a very good friend. So one night, we were fooling around, it was hot, and I was feeling completely safe. I thought it would be a great first experience. This guy that knows and respects me, that likes me, that I like, that I know for sure won’t disappear or get weird after. And it was great. It was really fun discovering everything together.” She pauses. “Plus, Garrett is very thorough.”

“I absolutely did not need to know that.”

Leah laughs. “It was nice. I won’t regret doing this with Garrett, or not waiting for someone I don’t even know will come someday.”

“Even if you broke up?”

“Garrett wants a girlfriend. I don’t want a boyfriend. I didn’t think it was fair to just lead him on, you know? But we’re still super close. I never really paid attention to him before, and now I have a friend. A real one, that I trust. You know. For when you’re to busy doing whatever that’s not sex yet with Bram.”

“I know I spend a lot of time with Bram.”

“I get it. I didn’t at first, and then there was the thing with Garrett, and even though it has nothing to do with your annoying fairy-tale with Bram, but now I understand.”

“Turning into a romantic yourself?”

“Not even close. But… Si… it’s not really my business, but… I know you love Bram. And I’m sure having sex with him is going to be mind-blowing. But you used the word ‘freak-out’. That seems a little strong for someone who claims is ready to take the next step. Nervous, sure, you will be. Freaking out should be a big red flag.”

“I know. That’s why we’re not doing it. But I know it’s going to be soon.”

“You have the goofiest smile on your face.”

That’s what thinking about Bram does to Simon. Makes him smiles or think about having sex. Especially now that Bram is at soccer camp and that Simon is either picturing him sweaty and sexy with his perfect calves, or re-reading the texts they sent each other. In those, they said things Simon would never dare say at loud in front of him. He also learned a couple of things about Bram. Things that Simon can’t get out of his head. He can’t wait to see Bram to…

Maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about that when Leah’s here.

“Simon… there is something I would like to tell you too, actually. Before Nick gets here.”

There is something in her voice. A nervousness that Simon doesn’t know her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s just… there is something else about you that I understood lately.”

“Such as what?”

“Why you told Abby first.”

“About being gay?”

“Yeah. I was hurt and shit, but… I told Garrett first.”

Simon is pretty sure he understood, but he can’t get this one wrong. He needs her to be more specific. “Told Garrett what?”

“That I’m bisexual.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Sorry, I… I guess I’m a moron because I still see the world in black and white. I assumed that you were going to tell me you were a lesbian.”

“We just talked about me having sex with Garrett.”

“I kissed girls before admitting to myself that I’m gay. Some people get married and have children.”

“True. But no, I’m not a lesbian. Well… I am. Just fifty percent.”

Simon laughs. “Is it one of the reasons it didn’t work out with Garrett?”

“No. Actually, he really helped me put words on those conflicted feelings. And he never ever made that joke about having a bisexual girlfriend. For some reason, I was very worried he would make that joke. I mean, it’s Garrett, you can never predict what’s going to come out of his mouth.”

“I there a girl I should know about?”

“No. No boy, either. I’m just… coming to terms with who I am.”

“Have you told your mom?”

“I have. Garrett was there actually. It was a couple of days before they left for soccer camp.”

“Wait… Is Garrett replacing me as your best friend?”

Leah rolls her eyes, “He will if you keep interrupting me with stupid questions. My mom took it well. Maybe because she doesn’t feel like I’m closing the door on getting married and having children. She probably feels like she has one chance out of two to avoid the awkwardness.”

“Will you tell your dad?”

“One day. Probably. If I have to. I don’t know. I was supposed to go to his place for a week this summer, but he canceled again. We’re not exactly on secret-sharing terms.”

“Will you tell Nick?”

“Not today, if that’s alright.”

“Of course that’s alright. It’s your thing, Leah. You share it, you don’t share it. That’s your decision.”

“Actually… I don’t talk to Bram that much, and we’re not on coming out terms, but… I think I’d like him to know.”

“Wait… Are you asking me to out you to Bram?”

“Not necessarily, but I’m telling you that you don’t have to lie or keep anything from him either.”

 

Nick shows up in Simon’s room half an hour after they were expecting him. He doesn’t say anything and sits at Simon’s desk instead, looking grumpy. Gloomy, even.

“Sunshine, you’re late,” Leah says. “You realize that the movie started, right?”

“Sorry, I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Fighting with Abby.”

“What about?” Simon asks.

“You know how she’s visiting her dad in DC? Well, have you seen the pictures she posted yesterday?” Simon and Leah exchange a look. Of course, they’ve seen them. For three days, Abby has been posting pictures of her, her cousin, and a third guy who has his arm around her shoulders or her waist on every picture. “She says it’s nothing.”

“It’s probably nothing,” Leah says. “There are pictures somewhere with _your_ arms around _my_ shoulders.”

“Yes. There are some. Not all of them. She refuses to see that he is interested in her.”

“Who cares if he’s interested in her?” Leah asks. “If she’s not interested in him, that’s fine, right?”

“You don’t get it. You’re not in a relationship. Simon, what do you think?”

Simon thinks about it. Would he be upset to see pictures of a boy with his arm around Bram? It would probably depend on the boy. And the number of pictures. Simon doesn’t think he would be upset about someone liking Bram – it would even be flattering – but he would probably be upset if Bram was indulging the other person.

Would they go into a fight over it? Probably not over a couple of pictures. That would show a terrible lack of trust, and Simon trusts Bram. One hundred percent. “I think it depends if you trust Abby or not.”

“I do.”

“Then let that other guy hope that he’s going to get into her pants by posing for her Instagram,” Leah says. “She’s back in two days. And, if you’ve been mean to her on the phone, you should have a gift for her when she comes back.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Chocolate, flowers, teddy bear, book about astrophysics. She’s your girlfriend, you should know what she’s into.”

“Yeah, right, of course.”

But he seems a bit anxious. “Were you mean to her?” Leah asks.

“No, I wasn’t mean. I may not have been fair. Not that she was, by the way. You have to be two to fight.”

“What was she reproaching you?”

“To be a Neanderthal that wants to lock his girlfriend away. And that’s really not what I want.” Simon can perfectly picture Abby saying that, and he can also perfectly picture Nick’s offended face hearing that.

“Okay,” Simon says, “let’s use the time we would have spent at the cinema helping Nick find a present that says ‘I respect you as a woman, and I trust you as a girlfriend’, yeah?”

“Yes, please. You’re coming, Leah, right? I mean you’re technically a girl, so you can help.”

“What do you mean ‘technically’?”

“Nick, seriously, stop talking,” Simon advises.

 

For a second, not even that, Simon thinks about the way Leah and Garrett’s relationship started and died quicker than a match flame, and how Nick and Abby are fighting after five days apart. In comparison, his own relationship feels so strong that he can’t help but feel a bit of pride.

Surely, he’s going to be punished for such a sly thought, but it’s still a nice feeling.

 

He can’t wait until Bram is back.

 

 


	19. The first time Bram decided to keep something from Simon

**Bram**

 

They are halfway home when Garrett decides to stop for gas, and Bram suggests they get coffee as well. They sit on a picnic table outside.

“B, are you alright? You’ve been very quiet since we left.”

“Something happened this morning. With Andrew.” Bram’s heart starts beating faster. Telling Garrett is easier than telling Simon, but at the same time, it’s not.

“Define ‘something’.”

“He asked me out.”

“What did you say to that?”

“That I had a boyfriend.”

“Okay. I’m pretty sure that’s not the whole story.”

“He kissed me.”

“And what did you do?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing as in…”

“Noting as in I just stood there like an idiot. I didn’t kiss him back, and the whole thing lasted less than two seconds, it wasn’t even a kiss, it was… our lips touching, I guess. But I’m also a dick, because I didn’t push him back.”

“And if he had started properly kissing you?”

“I’m stupid enough to let a moment like this morning happen. I’m not a dick enough to let it go further. Mainly because I wouldn’t betray Simon like that. And more selfishly because it would mean losing Simon. Or at least his trust. Which is the same thing. I can explain letting Andrew kiss me, sort of, but there wouldn’t be any valid excuse for kissing him back.”

“It’s still not your best moment, B.”

“I know. I just… How do I tell Simon about it?”

“I don’t know. But you have to.”

“Do I though? It was nothing, and it wouldn’t have happened if Andrew didn’t catch me off guard, and…”

“Bram. Clearly, you feel bad about the whole thing, which means that well done, you have a conscience, but it also means that it was something. Maybe you wanted more, maybe you got butterflies, maybe you even got a boner. But something happened during that kiss right?” Bram doesn’t answer and Garrett understands it for what it is. “Look, Bram, I think that in life, you need to get the small things right. If you keep that from Simon, then what’s the next step? Keeping a real kiss from him? And then what? A one-night stand because you got drunk at college? More one-night stands? A lover? Then who are you? The guy who disappears every so often between work and dinner time?”

“Okay, I think that escalated very quickly.”

“Yeah, well life does that.” Bram knows they’re not just talking about Andrew and Simon anymore. Bram knows that Garrett’s mom had been cheating on his dad for a long time before the divorce. “You know, B, everyone screws up. I’m even going to admit that it relieves me to see other people make mistakes. It’s not about them, it’s about what comes next. You’re not the mistakes you make. You are what you do about them.”

Bram nods. “I’m not even sure this was about Andrew. I mean… it was, and if I had been single, I definitely would have kissed him back, but it was also… a nice feeling. Knowing that someone was into the shy new kid. That even when I was too scared to go into the world, I was still enough for someone.”

“You were not just enough for Andrew. Actually, crush or not, he didn’t do anything about it. You were enough for me, though. As for Simon… You would have been enough if you had let him see you. How long did it take him to want you when you gave him a chance? Twelve seconds?”

Bram closes his eyes. “I really want to see Simon. Right now. But I also want to postpone having that talk forever. Does that make sense?”

Garrett gets his phone out of his pocket and laughs.

“You lucky bastard. How many karma points do you have?”

“What? Why?”

“Leah just texted me that they are all at Nick’s and that they would love it if we would join them and have an impromptu get-together to celebrate our coming back. Her words. So apparently, you’ll get to both see your boyfriend and postpone that talk.”

Bram lets out a relieved breath.

 

They drive straight to Nick’s and Bram is barely out of the car when a body slams against his, and he instinctively wraps his arms around him burying his nose in Simon’s hair. It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like he hasn’t seen Simon in ages and he feels strangely close to tears.

Garrett laughs and leaves them to their hug, getting in the house.

“You’re back!”

“I’m back,” Bram whispers.

“Is it cheesy if I say that I missed you?”

“I missed you more.”

“That’s not a thing.” Bram feels his lips spread into a smile, but he is still close to tears. He never felt so shitty about himself. Whatever Andrew had to offer seems so small in comparison to even only the smell of Simon’s hair. “I love you, Simon.”

Simon apparently hears something in Bram’s voice, because he takes a step back and looks at his boyfriend with worried eyes. “Babe, are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just needed that. I really missed you.”

“Was camp that bad?”

“No, it was great. I just… I’m happy to be home.”

Simon smiles and takes Bram by the hand, pulling him gently inside. Bram follows him in and is about to head for Nick's basement when Simon pulls him in another direction. Bram doesn’t know Nick’s house that well and is very surprised when he realizes that Simon dragged him in a bathroom and is now locking the door.

“Simon? What are you doing?”

“Making you even happier to be home,” Simon says putting his lips on Bram’s neck, his hands already unbuttoning his jeans.

“Si, we can’t do that _here_.”

“Nick’s parents aren’t there, and the others won’t hear a thing downstairs.”

“But if we take too long…”

“We’ll make it quick, then.”

Bram is about to object some more. He can’t do this. Not now. Not without talking to Simon first.

But.

Simon’s hand wraps around him, and Bram’s ability to think is seriously diminished. He stumbles back against the sink. Simon laughs softly against Bram’s neck, covering his skin with goosebumps. The older boy puts one of his hand around his boyfriend’s neck whilst his other one is still working him. Bram lets his head fall on Simon’s shoulder, his hands are tightly gripping the sink.

Through the haze that now constitutes his brain, Bram thinks that he should stop this. But then he comes, Simon whispering in ear how handsome and sexy he looks.

Physically, Bram feels good – very good, but in his head, there is a mess he has never experienced before.

“Okay,” Simon says with a big goofy smile. “Let’s clean this up real quick and get back to our friends.”

“What about you?”

“You can repay the favor later. This was a welcome back and congratulation on winning a tournament gift.”

“How do you know about the tournament?”

“Garrett texted Leah when he accepted the invite. Besides, I don’t think we can get away with being much longer. Oh, and if you sense some tensions between Nick and Abby, don’t ask.”

“What happened?”

“Some jealousy stuff. It’s Nick being a baby. There wasn’t even kissing involved. That’s the obvious line, isn’t it?”

“Right.” Bram’s stomach clenches really hard. How is he going to tell Simon that there was kissing involved? That he did cross the ‘obvious line’?

 

They make it to the basement, and Leah asks, with a strong innuendo in her voice: “Where did the two of you disappear?”

“Bram was telling me about camp,” Simon answers without a trace of embarrassment in his voice. He really is a theatre kid. Garrett’s eyes find Bram’s and Bram shakes his head once.

 

After an hour, Garrett decides to get back home. Bram follows him as he is his ride. They are walking to his car when Bram blurts out, “Garrett, I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Tell Simon. I can’t.”

“Bram…”

“It was nothing. Nothing, I swear to you. But if I tell Simon, it becomes something, and I don’t want that.”

Garrett kicks a pebble and stops to look at his best friend, a couple of steps from his car. “Bram, I believe you when you say that he made a move and you just froze. I believe you when you say that it meant nothing and that it won’t happen again. But please believe me when I tell you that if you don’t tell Simon, it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass someday.”

“Garrett… Will you think less of me if I keep this one to myself?”

Garrett takes a moment to think about it. “I don’t think I could think less of you no matter what you did. It’s our thing, right? I see through your BS, you see through mine. Plus, I already know you’ve learned from it. The way you looked at Spier today… But I keep the right to tell you ‘I told you so’ when this all turns into a shitstorm.”

Bram nods. More than anything, Bram is grateful for Simon. But Garrett is a very close second.

“Bram!” Bram turns around and Simon is jogging up to them. “I was sure you would have left already. I just had my mom on the phone. She invited you to dinner and she also said that you can spend the night, if your mom doesn’t want to have you to herself tonight, of course.”

“Sure, I’d love that.”

Bram takes his bag from Garrett’s car, who makes a joke about being disposable, and rings his mother. She simply tells him that she’s more than happy to enjoy her freedom another day. There is some noise in the background, and Bram is almost sure that her boyfriend is there. He is _not_ going to think about it.

 

Simon’s family is playing Monopoly when they arrive. They ask the boys if they want to join and the look on Simon’s face pretty much indicates that he would rather swallow gravel.

As soon as they make it to Simon’s room, Bram pushes him against the door and kisses him fiercely. One of his hand falls on Simon’s side, the other gets lost in his hair. Bram’s hands grab a little harder as his lips travel to Simon’s neck. “I missed you so much, Simon.”

Simon’s breath gets louder as Bram’s hand travels under his T-shirt. “Bram… my parents are downstairs.”

“Then I guess you’ll have to be very quiet.” Bram recognizes the feeling that takes him over. He had the same one the night he asked Simon to keep the Elliott Smith shirt on, after their fight. It’s almost like he wants to own Simon. It’s not dark, exactly. It very much comes from a place of love, he is not putting himself before Simon, and he will stop if Simon asks him. He’s not going to try to push things further than they’ve been before, either. But he still has this need to dominate Simon. Not always, not in general, just… sometimes.

After their fight. Now. As if he has this odd pulsion, this need to prove to himself that Simon belongs with him. Or rather to him. That he is his. Bram doesn’t know if it’s an okay feeling to have. Maybe it’s alright, as long as he constantly checks that Simon is comfortable. Maybe it’s not, and it’s even more fucked up that keeping the Andrew incident to himself.

Right now, Simon’s hands are tightly grabbing Bram’s shirt, head leaning against the door, eyes closed, erratic breathing, Simon seems fine with what’s happening. Bram double-checks nonetheless: “Would you prefer to stop?”

“I want you to touch me,” Simon answers in a breath, and Bram’s skin covers in goosebumps for the second time today. But he really doesn’t need to be asked twice. He leaves his hand in Simon’s hair, he keeps his lips on his neck, but he moves his other hand to unbutton his pants and then slides his fingers in his boyfriend’s underwear. Simon is already hard, and he swallows back a moan when Bram starts moving.

Maybe it’s the weeks apart, maybe it’s the intensity of the moment, but Simon is soon making noises indicating that he’s about to come. So Bram lets go of Simon and takes a step back.

Simon opens his eyes and looks at Bram. He looks flushed, and horny, and more beautiful than ever. There. Right there, Bram knows that he would have turned Andrew down. There isn’t even a competition. Simon is so high above all the other boys that no one could even compete. If he learned right now that Simon lied and that Jacques is actually still out there somewhere, Bram wouldn’t care. He would still want the boy panting in front of him. And it has nothing to do with the sex. It’s about everything that Simon is.

“I believe,” Simon says pulling Bram from his thoughts, “that it’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done to me.”

“Get naked,” Bram answers.

Simon’s eyes go wide in surprise, but he obeys. Once Simon is fully naked, Bram walks back to him, kisses him on the lips on, and takes him by the hand, leading Simon to his desk. He pushes him gently on the chair and kneels in front of him.

Bram can feel Simon’s entire body shudders when he takes him in his mouth. Simon buries his fingers in Bram’s curls, but he doesn’t alter Bram’s movements in any way. When Simon gets noisy again, Bram stops. Again.

Simon lets out a frustrated noise and calls out Bram’s name, nearly begging.

“Go on the bed.”

“Are you going to torture me again?”

“No. I’m going to make you come.”

Simon smiles and lies on his bed. Bram hovers on top of him. There is a dent on Simon’s bottom lips, where he tried to bite down the sounds. Not hard enough to bleed, but enough to leave an imprint of his teeth. Bram kisses it softly twice. Then he whispers, “Other side.” Simon arches an eyebrow, but obediently lies on his stomach instead. Bram murmurs in his ear: “Do you have lube anywhere?” Simon nods and grabs it for Bram. They are still new at this, so Bram asks: “Are you fine with this? Do you want this now?”

“Please,” Simon whispers, and Bram gets started. Bram loves the way Simon’s noises and reactions are different when they are doing that. This time again, Simon gets soft the moment Bram enters him, but Bram doesn’t worry about it at all this time. Simon’s reactions are more than enthusiastic, and it is clear that he is enjoying himself.

Simon is getting close. Bram can tell. “Bram… Babe, please… please don’t stop…” Bram had no intention to stop this time. Simon comes biting a pillow, but even like this, he is a bit noisy. Not enough to be heard downstairs, but Bram hopes that Nora isn’t in her room. He doesn’t worry about it enough to stop, though, and he takes Simon as far as he can take.

Simon lies on his bed like his spine has been removed, a content look on his face. Bram realizes that he is so hard that it is almost uncomfortable, but he ignores it. He wants this moment to be all about Simon. The look on Simon’s face, his gorgeous moon eyes, the pearls of sweat on his forehead, his still dark pupils… Bram could look at that forever. He lies next to Simon and brushes his hair out of his face.

“That was intense,” Simon comments.

“Sorry. Was it too much?”

“That was just the right amount,” Simon answers with a happy smile. “If that’s what I get when you come back, you need to leave more often.” This triggers a sharp feeling of shame in Bram’s guts. “Even if that makes my welcome handjob look really lame, now…”

Bram smiles and kisses Simon’s lips. “It’s not all about receiving. I really enjoyed you letting me do that to you and trusting me through the process.”

“I always trust you.” Same sharp feeling in Bram’s guts. “Okay, I’m going to put some clothes on before any member of my family decides to check in on us, and then you can tell me all about your fancy soccer camps and its hot soccer players.

Bram already knows that he won’t tell Simon all about it.

 

Later that night, Bram is lying in Simon’s bed, Simon curled up against him, deep asleep. Bram’s mindlessly runs his fingers up and down Simon’s arm. The tightness in his stomach is starting to dissipate.

He made the right choice. He is happy when Simon is happy. Is not going to let Andrew, nor is own stupidity, take that away from him. He is going to forget all about that half kiss, he is going to forget about that tiny crush, and he is going to focus on his boyfriend, whom he loves more than he could express.

Simon shifts slightly and ends up even closer.

Yes. This is good. They are happy. Let’s keep things this way.

 

 


	20. The first time they went on a road trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm not entirely sure it falls into the category 'road trip', but they are driving every day. Plus, the trip is very much in the background anyway.

**Simon**

 

Alice is right. Simon doesn’t know how his parents agreed to this. But the car is loaded, the itinerary has been provided to parents, the ‘we’re still alive’ phone calls have been planned, and the boyfriend is hot and smiling.

The whole thing is a gift from Bram’s grandmother. The one that compared them to couches. She told him that she wanted him to have a bit of freedom and fun before having to worry about senior year, choosing a college, moving to college and then being shoved into the real world. It was her birthday present to him. Initially, Bram was supposed to go with Garrett. Simon doesn’t know if Garrett stepped down or if Bram asked him, but he is simply grateful for four unsupervised days with his boyfriend.

He might even be more grateful for the three unsupervised nights.

 

They leave at eight am, so they arrive at their first stop late in the morning. Montgomery. State capital of Alabama. They walk around for a bit and end up at the National Memorial for Peace and Justice Park. It is in theme with the rest of the day. After lunch, they visit the house where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. lived and the Rosa Parks Library and museum. Bram.

Simon finds everything interesting, and quite humbling, but he knows that it means more to Bram. When Bram suggested those places, he only talked about the historical interest. Simon knows that Bram is interested in history, but he also knows that this specific topic is important to him for other reasons. He didn’t push, though.

 

At the end of the days, they end up in the only hotel they could find in Montgomery that was within budget and would let seventeen-year-olds stay without an adult. Everything about the hotel says cheap, but the room is clean and there aren’t any parents around.

Simon thought that they would have been all over each other as soon as they walked in, but there is an awkwardness in being in a hotel room with your boyfriend, with whom you’re only sort of having sex, knowing that something is going to happen.

Instead, they take turns showering, and they discuss the day. Simon sends Alice a selfie he took with Bram earlier today and labels it ‘are you jealous?’. Bram calls Simon a child, but they both laugh. They both call their parents to tell them how the day went, and confirm that they still haven’t been kidnapped.

By the time Simon hangs up, Bram is already in bed, apparently deep in his thoughts. “Hey Babe,” Simon whispers getting under the cover. “Where is your mind?”

“Sorry, I was a bit lost in today.”

“Is it tough? Thinking about segregation and stuff?”

Bram shrugs. “Sometimes. When I was a kid and I learned about it for the first time, it made me really sad. I cried every night for a week or something. Now it just makes me angry. Proud, too. I know that it has nothing to do with me as an individual, but it still feels personal.”

“I wonder what it feels like. To be part of a minority.” At first, Simon doesn’t understand the amused smile on Bram’s face. But then he realizes what he said and feels his face heat up. “No, _I know_ that I’m part of a minority, I just meant… you know what I meant. Stop looking at me like that!”

To make Bram stop teasing him, Simon gets on top of him and kisses his boyfriend. Bram’s hands are on his hips immediately.

“Did it ever upset you that I picture Blue to be white?” Simon asks, breaking the kiss.

“Not really,” Bram answers. “I sort of expected you would. Humans enjoy mimicry. We look for what is similar to us. What would have hurt would have been you backing out of the whole thing, or even hesitating for a moment because of it. You never did that.”

“On one hand, I really didn’t care what Blue would look like. On the other hand, I already thought that Cute Bram Greenfeld looked adorable. Your color was never even something I took into consideration, you know that, right? I mean… if I had to give it thought, I would say it makes you hotter.”

“Wait… ‘Cute Bram Greenfeld’?”

“Yeah. That’s what I used to call you in my head.”

“No, it’s not!”

“It is. Do you remember that day I made a fool of myself by calling your tryouts auditions?”

“Yes,” Bram answers with an amused smile.

“I was so crushing on you that day. Butterflies, warm cheeks, sweaty hands, all of it. It even made me feel bad for Blue.”

“Are you saying that you had a low-key crush on me before the Tilt-A-Whirl?”

“Yes!” Bram’s expression changes, like he’s a bit overwhelmed, and it breaks Simon’s heart slightly. When will this amazing boy get any self-esteem? How does he not see how great he is? How are the Bram in Simon’s head and the Bram in Bram’s head so different? “And do you remember that other day, when Abby tried eye-liner on me for the first time?” Bram nods. “That day… the way you looked at me at lunch was so confusing. It almost made me want to disappear because it was too much. Not in an unpleasant way, just… it messed with my gay brain, you know?”

“Well, you were extremely hot with eye-liner,” Bram answers. That look is there again. The same one Simon was just describing. It still feels a lot to be looked at like you’re precious, but it doesn’t embarrass him anymore. Actually, it’s one of Simon’s favorite things. Being able to see the love in Bram’s eyes. Can Bram see the same in his eyes?

They are still looking at each other, but the moment shifts. Simon isn’t sure which one of them got hard first, but he can definitely feel it. Bram gets both their pants down without breaking the eye contact. He wraps his hand around both of them. Simon loves when he’s doing that and Bram knows it. The entire time, they don’t kiss, but they sustain eye contact, which almost feels more intimate.

Tonight, they don’t have to be quiet, but Simon suspects the walls to be really thin, so they are panting more than moaning, foreheads pressed together, sharing the same breath, still looking in the other’s eyes as they come.

For some reason, tonight feels special. There is something in the interaction they just had that makes Simon feel closer to Bram than he ever did.

 

They leave early the next morning, but they don’t get to New Orleans until lunch. That afternoon, they just walk around the city, do some sightseeing, enjoy the typical architecture of the city. Simon’s Instagram is buzzing.

They get dinner in an old fashion jazz club on Bourbon Street, and Simon feels like he’s in the middle of a movie.

There is a couple kissing a couple of tables away. A gay couple. Nobody seems to be paying attention. It gets Simon daring, and he takes Bram’s hand. On the table. In plain sight. Nobody stares.

There is something magical about the moment. The old building, the music, the lighting, the freedom of this road trip, the smile on Bram’s face, the shameless hand-holding in public. Simon can truly say that he is happy.

 

It’s been a very long day – the best kind of long days – and Simon is under the shower (a surprisingly large walk-in shower, this hotel is certainly an improvement on the previous one), forehead against the wall, letting the warm water run along his spine.

He hears the bathroom door open, but he doesn’t turn around. Probably Bram coming to brush his teeth. He hears the shower door open. He still doesn’t turn around, but is entire skin seems to be aware of Bram’s presence.

Bram huddles against Simon and starts kissing the nape of his neck. He can feel Bram’s cock against his ass. “Room for me?” Bram asks with a teasing voice.

“I’m sure we’ll manage,” Simon answers, voice already breathy.

Bram turns Simon over and kisses him passionately before getting on his knees. Simon considers switching off the shower, but he loves the added sensation on his suddenly oversensitive skin.

Simon is not as shy as he was the night before with his noise level and Bram seems to really enjoy getting sounds out of him. This is by far the best blowjob Simon ever received. Not that he is an expert yet, but this one definitely stands out.

Maybe it’s just the trip. Every interaction with Bram seems to stand out since they left Atlanta. Everything feels new and better.

After coming, it takes a few moments for Simon to come down from the orgasm. When he opens his eyes, Bram is standing in front of him, a happy smirk on his face. That’s when it dawns on Simon that he never did that for Bram. Obviously, he performed fellatio on his boyfriend, but always in a bed. He never actually got on his knees for Bram.

So he does. He takes Bram in his mouth, hands gripping his firm ass cheeks. Bram lets himself be noisy too and it gives Simon the impression to be powerful. Knowing that he can do that to Bram. Not only that he is able to, but also that he is allowed.

Bram seems to be as carried away by the general mood of the trip as Simon is, because he comes quicker than usual. Or maybe Simon was that good today.

 

The next morning, they go on a boat ride through the bayou. The nature and the few buildings they see over there all seem so foreign to Simon. It almost doesn’t feel like they are still in the US. They could even be in a fantasy world.

Simon thought it would be somewhat boring, but their guide is amazing. He explains a loth about that specific fauna and flora and how they create this amazing ecosystem, and he is very funny. They see crocodiles. They hear ghost stories. He’s really enjoying it.

 

After lunch, they drive to the De Soto National Forest in Mississippi. That’s it. They stopped in every state between Atlanta and New Orleans.

They hike all afternoon, and Simon is surprised to see that he enjoys outdoors activity when it means being able to talk to his boyfriend for hours and randomly finding deserted places in a gigantic forest for impromptu make-out sessions. Yes, he would definitely do that more often.

When they complete the trail, they drive to a cabin nearby that belongs to one of Stacey’s aunts and that they have been invited to use for the night. They retrieve the key from the indicated hiding spot, take a quick shower, go get some food from a small family restaurant nearby and end up sitting on a bench, looking at the sunset on a lake.

“I don’t want to go home tomorrow,” Bram says suddenly.

“Neither do I,” Simon replies. “And I can’t believe that we’re going back to school in a few days.”

“Please don’t remind me!”

“I thought you liked school.”

“I do. Something tells me that senior year is going to be different, though.”

“There are going to be some good things, though. SATs, college applications, the pressure of having to map out the rest of our lives…”

“Oh?” Bram asks, smiling. “Such as what?”

“Graduation. Prom. Still being undefeated at soccer. Having a boyfriend from day one.”

“Ah, yes. The boyfriend thing is a very good selling point.”

Simon smiles and kisses Bram softly. “Let’s go back to the cabin.” Bram nods, and they go back.

 

This time, it goes more according to Simon’s fantasy, and they are all over each other the moment they walk in. Clothes are starting to be taken off almost immediately and they leave a trail to the bedroom. When they collapse on the bed, only underwear is left.

As Simon is kissing his boyfriend, he thinks about the amazing trip they just had. About the incredible six months they had together. More, even, when he includes the story of Jacques and Blue. He can’t believe that they found each other, liked each other, got brave and out together, loved each other and are continuing to grow strong. Simon has a hard time realizing how much he loves Bram, and he almost can’t believe that Bram chose to love him back.

All those feelings are almost too much. He feels like he is going to evaporate if he tries to keep them in. “Bram, I love you.” There is something solemn in the way Simon said that, and Bram doesn’t reply with their usual catchphrase. Instead, he soberly replies, “I love you too, Simon. So much.”

And Simon knows it’s true. He also knows that right here, right now, he wants more. “Bram… I think… I think I’m ready.”

“Ready for what, Love?”

“I want tonight to be the night.”

 

 


	21. The first time they tried to have sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, I haven't nailed this chapter. But it's my third rewrite, and I sort of want to move forward with the story, so here we go.

**Bram**

 

For a moment, Bram is completely still, not entirely sure that he heard that right. But Simon is right there, under him, nervously biting his lower lip, looking at Bram as if he were one of the world’s wonders.

Bram is ready. He has been for a while. He didn’t feel like their relationship was, though. Is it now? Bram thinks so. They are as in love as teenagers can be, the romantic part of his brain even thinks that Simon might be the one. He will probably look back on that thought in ten years and laugh at his past self, but that is how he feels right now.

He also thinks that they haven’t rushed into this. Their sex life has progressed step by step and this feels like the natural progression of their pleasure discovery.

Plus, the place is kind of perfect. A luxurious cabin in the middle of a national forest, the moonlight coming through the open window, the sounds of nature in the background. It is more romantic than he could have planned.

That leaves Simon. Is Simon ready? He must be, otherwise he wouldn’t be asking. Bram needs to make sure anyway. “Are you sure, Love?”

“I’m sure. I love you. I want you. I want this. But… we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I… I want to. I _really_ want to.” Simon smiles and pulls Bram back into a kiss. They make out passionately until the tension gets to its peak and they are practically grinding. “What do you want, Love?”

Bram sees on Simon’s face that he understands the question for what it is. Straight sex is more straightforward. Each party knows what they are supposed to do, and there is a set position for first times. Or so Bram guesses. He never spent that much time thinking about straight sex. Right now, though, it’s a bit blurrier.

Before being with Simon, he assumed that by the time he would get there, he would know if he were a top or a bottom, that his boyfriend would magically be the other one, and that things would fall into place. But that was just copying the blueprint of straight sex. Since then, he discovered his body, realized that he doesn’t really want to be one or the other, and learned the word ‘versatile’. Obviously, he knew the word before, just not in a sexual context.

He is pretty sure that Simon is too, but they never actually talked about it. Not that it matters right now. Bram will do whatever Simon wants him to do. He will assume the role Simon needs him to. Tonight is massive and has to be perfect. But it’s only a first. Whatever doesn’t happen tonight isn’t lost.

“I want _you_ to make love to _me_ ,” Simon says and Bram understands it for what it is. He kisses Simon, and Simon whispers against his lips, “And I want to be able to look in your eyes.” For some reason, that sentence really turns Bram on. Or would, he wasn’t already all fired up.

Last traces of clothes are lost, lube and condoms (yes, plural, because Bram wants to be prepared in case something goes wrong with the first one and Simon is an optimist) are prepared, and they are still kissing like it’s breathing.

Bram gets a finger in Simon and starts playing with his soft spot. As soon as Simon’s breathing turns into a steady stream of moans, he inserts a second finger. When he gets a third one in, Simon doesn’t even flinch.

“Babe…” Simon whispers, looking at Bram with misted eyes. He doesn’t say more, but there is something in his voice.

“You want more?” Simon nods and Bram’s stomach does this thing it used to do when Simon looked at him, pre-first kiss. This sharp, sweet pain that your sort of want to feel forever.

Bram gets the condom on. It is more straightforward than he thought – he was afraid that in the heat of the moment, he might not know which way you’re supposed to roll it out – but it still takes him a few seconds. He isn’t quite sure how much lube they need, but he remembers Adisa’s advice and decides to be generous with it.

He positions himself and checks in again with Simon. “Are you alright Love?”

“Yeah.” The word almost sounds like a question.

“Sure?”

“I’m sure. You?”

Bram smiles at his loving boyfriend. “I really want to be inside of you.”

“Then do it,” Simon answers and Bram obeys. Being inside Simon is a bit overwhelming. Both physically and mentally. He gives Simon some time to get used to him, and he starts carefully moving. This feels better than he imagines. It’s nothing like a handjob. It’s nothing like a blowjob. It’s not even sex anymore. It’s him and Simon. The rest of the world entirely disappears.

Bram can see on Simon’s face the moment he starts to freak out. That unsettles Bram slightly, because he expected that any freaking out would happen before, but that things would be fine _during_.

“Are you alright, Love?”

“Yeah, I… yeah. Just keep going.” But Bram hesitates and that seems to panic Simon.

“Hey, Love. Just look at me.” Simon does and he seems to relax. Bram starts moving again, ever so slowly. Simon’s face is still closed up, and Bram is starting to think that he is doing something wrong.

“Bram… I don’t think I’m enjoying this. Can we stop?”

“Sure! Of course!” Bram gets out, more nervous than he has never been in his entire life. “Are you alright? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“I… I’m just going to use the bathroom, okay?”

Simon uses the bathroom, then Bram does. When he comes back to the room, Simon is sleeping. Bram strongly suspects that he is faking it, but whatever just happened, he doesn’t want to force it out of Simon.

He gets under the cover and spoons Simon.

Bram takes ages to fall asleep.

 

When he wakes up, Simon is not in bed. Bram finds him in the kitchen, finishing his breakfast. “Hi, Love.”

“Hi, Babe. You should get ready, I’m going to put the bags in the car. We should go, it’s a long drive.”

They weren’t supposed to leave until the afternoon, but Bram doesn’t comment. It is going to be a long drive and he doesn’t want to get into a fight with Simon, or pull the truth out of him, before they are stuck in a car together for over five hours.

 

The drive is awkward. They chat like they did every other time, but this time it feels fake. It feels like there is this big elephant in the room that none of them wants or knows how to address.

 

When Bram parks in front of Simon’s house, he really hopes that Simon is going to invite him in. Simon doesn’t. instead, he says, “Thanks for the trip. It was great.”

Was it? “No worries. There is no one I would have rather taken. I love you, Simon.”

“Love you too.” Not even a full sentence. Bram knows that he is being picky, but shouldn’t an expression of love not be tarnished by the laziness of skipping words? And then Simon says the worst thing he could have. “I’ll see you at school.”

“Sure,” Bram answers mechanically. School is in four days. Shouldn’t they make the most of their last days of summer?

Just as Bram is working out the nerves to ask Simon what’s happening in his head, Simon grabs his bag and leaves.

 

When Bram texts Simon, Simon texts back. Like nothing happened. But he is apparently busy whenever Bram tries to call. They can’t have that conversation over text. They just can’t.

 

Bram doesn’t understand what happened in the cabin, and it is killing him. He also doesn’t know if he should give Simon time or just show up at his place.

Is it karma because of what happened at soccer camp? Is his punishment for trying not to lose Simon to actually lose Simon?

 

Simon is actually the one to show up at Bram’s the day before school starts. “Hi.”

“Hi. Are you busy?”

“No.” Not that it would have mattered. Bram would have stopped open heart surgery right now.

“Is your Mom here?”

“Nope. She’s at Phil’s.”

“Is that the boyfriend’s name?”

“It is. Oh, and get this. I finally learned the name of the friend they have in common. It’s Adisa.”

“Adisa set your mom up on a date?”

“No, the weird part about this is my mom calling Adisa a friend. Or that Adisa has plain friends.”

Simon laughs and Bram’s relaxes. He pulls in Simon for a kiss, but he barely even gets a peck. “Bram, I…” But then Simon bursts out crying. Bram pulls him in for a hug, the tightest he’s ever given anyone.

“Simon, I need you to talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want you to break up with me.”

Bram detaches himself from Simon and looks at his teary grey eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“I can’t have sex with you.”

“Are you turning asexual?” It’s sort of a joke, but at least that would mean that Simon isn’t leaving him.

“What if I were?”

“I’d be fine with that. I would just hope you would talk to me about it.”

“Can we sit down?”

They sit on the couch, facing each other, and Simon is refusing to look at Bram.

“I’m sorry,” he finally whispers.

“Sorry for what?”

“Not being able to have sex with you.” Bram entire world crashes down around him. Has Simon been beating himself up for days? The selfish part in his head is extremely relieved, but the – much bigger – part of him who loves Simon to bits would have preferred if Simon was actually mad at him for something.

“Simon, what are you talking about? We tried to have sex, it didn’t work. It’s fine. We try again another day. Not necessarily soon. I thought we were ready, but maybe we weren’t.”

“What if I don’t want to do this?”

“Have sex?”

“Bottoming.”

Oh. That’s both an easier and a more complicated issue than Bram thought. “Simon… having sex with you doesn’t mean fucking you.”

“It’s just… Do you remember what you said before we tried?” Bram tries to think, but he doesn’t know what Simon refers to. He shakes his head. “You said you really wanted to be inside of me.”

Oh. Bram sort of hates himself right now. “Simon, it’s not… Of course, I wanted to be inside of you. It was a new step for us, and because I really thought it we would have a good time. But it’s not something I want anymore. Simon, I am not turned on by… acts. I’m turned on by you. More specifically, by you having a good time. We tried. It didn’t work. If you wanted to try again, I would be right there with you. But if you don’t, there is no part of me that’s not fine with that.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No, Simon, please listen. I love you. If what we’re doing now, sex-wise, is all we ever get to do, I’m fine with that. If the actual full-on sex is me bottoming, I think I’m fine with that. I don’t know. We never tried. What I don’t want is us going back because you’re suddenly uncomfortable around me. So I need to know. Did I do something wrong?”

“No.”

“Love, you have to tell me those things.”

“I know. It’s just… You didn’t do anything wrong. It was fine. It was great. Until it wasn’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just… something happened in my head, and my entire body tensed, and… It all became very uncomfortable, and the more it happened the more I freaked out, and I had this overwhelming feeling to be the worst boyfriend, and…”

“Simon, stop. You are not the worst boyfriend. Not even close. And I will never judge you on what you want, don’t want or can’t do. Do you hear me?” Simon nods. “Now… what could I have done to make it better?”

“Nothing. That’s the thing. You were perfect. You were hot, and sweet, and loving, and careful, and I… I simply wasn’t good enough. Or at least I felt like that. I don’t want to have to go through it again.”

“Simon… can I be real with you?” Simon nods, looking nervous. “I told you I’m fine with whichever way our sex life goes from here. But I don’t think we should never try that again. It doesn’t have to be now, it can be very far down the line when we are more comfortable with everything. But you like it when I finger you. I think you would like being a bottom. If that didn’t work, it’s not on you. I should have seen that you weren’t ready, I should have seen when you started to not be into it. Let’s just call it what it was. A failed first try. I will do better by you next time. No matter when and what that will be.”

“Are you sure you’re fine with that? Me wanting to wait?”

“Absolutely. I don’t know if you mean waiting for sex, or waiting for me being the top, but… I’m fine with either. It’s us, Simon. Jacques and Blue. What we have is so much more than sex. And what we are already doing very much satisfies me. But… are _you_ sure I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“You really didn’t! I’m sorry I ruined our perfect vacation.”

“You didn’t ruin it. Okay, let’s stop looking at that night as a failure. It was you and me trying to get even closer, and that’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“You _guess_?”

Simon finally smiles a happy smile. “Yes, it is beautiful. Until I freaked out. I don’t mean during, I mean after. I should have talked to you straight away. When you held me, I should have known you weren’t mad.”

“Did you really think I was going to leave you?”

“I have this feeling sometimes,” Simon says, “that you’re too good for me. That you are going to find someone else, or just realize that I’m dragging you down, and… I had this thought that if I can’t even have sex with you, then why would you stick around?”

Bram’s mind flashes to Andrew immediately. Not as Simon’s competition – he never really was – but as something that could soothe Simon. Should he tell Simon right now that there are other boys, but that Simon will always be his first choice, that he knows that because he made that choice before?

Would that help or would that make things worse?

“Simon, I…”

“I know. I know it’s ridiculous. Like you when you get all self-conscious when you’re you and if anything, you should be getting a superiority complex. I swear I’ll talk to you next time.”

“You can always email if it’s too hard to talk,” Bram jokes and Simon smiles. Simon pulls Simon in for a hug and they cuddle for a while, talking about their trip, reliving it day by day. Until they brush the sensitive subject and Bram wonders if he should change topics.

“You know…. I said you didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t. I really thought I was ready for it. But even beyond that… the way you looked at me… No one ever looked at me like that before. Not even you. I think I felt so special. Like one in a million. I was afraid to lose that.”

“You are one in seven billion, Simon. I don’t love you less now than I did back then.”

“Neither do I. I might love you more, actually.”

“Si… you can say no if you don’t want to, but… starting tomorrow, we won’t have that much time together. How would you feel about going to my room and getting nasty? The kind that doesn’t involve condoms?”

Simon’s eyes light up with mischief and Bram is so relieved that even though they couldn’t take a step forward, they didn’t take a step back either.

“How many times do you think I can make you come before your mom comes back?” Simon asks and Bram can’t believe how quickly Kinky Simon resurfaced.

Not that he’s going to complain.

 

 


	22. The first time they went to the Gay Pride

**Simon**

 

Since school started, Bram and Simon don’t spend that much time together. Bram was right. This year is different. There is a lot of pressure building up regarding next year and the rest of their lives. The most pressing being the SATs at the end of September. The first weeks of school are pretty much a build-up to the tests.

At first, Bram and Simon revised together, but most of the revision sessions ended up in hot make-out sessions. At best. They then decided that it might be best to study together in school, but separately at home.

Simon misses Bram, but Bram is dedicated, and Bram needs great scores if he wants a chance at entering an Ivy school. So Simon gives him of the time and space he needs, texting encouraging quotes regularly. He knows it’s cheesy, but he sort of likes that side of their relationship.

 

But the hellish time of working for – and taking – the tests finally passes. They have to wait for their results now. Two weeks, at least. Simon is nervous, sure, but he knows that Bram will be obsessing over it whenever his brain isn’t distracted.

They decided to spend the first Saturday after the tests together. Partly so Bram wouldn’t replay the test over and over in his head searching for mistakes he might have made, but also because they really need some alone time.

 

Immediately after lunch, Simon leaves his house to go to Bram’s.

Bram opens the door with his charming smile. “Hi, Love. Enjoying the freedom?”

“I sure am. And I don’t mean the freedom of not revising, I mean being able to see you without feeling guilty about stealing your time.”

Bram pulls Simon in for a kiss. Simon just assumes that his mother is at work, because Bram never full-on kisses Simon outside of his bedroom when she is there. At least not since she walked in on them making out that one time.

“Okay, so I was thinking we could go watch a movie?”

“No,” Simon answers.

“No?”

“No,” Simon repeats putting his lips back on Bram. He takes Bram’s face between his hands and walks him back until Bram is leaning against the wall. Bram’s arms fall on Simon’s waist, pulling him as close as he can.

Simon’s lips trace Bram’s jaw. One of Bram’s hand gets lost in Simon’s hair and the other one grabs his ass. “Yeah, that’s a much better plan,” Bram agrees against Simon’s lips, pulling him to the bedroom by his belt buckle.

They collapse on the bed, hastily undressing each other.

“Bram?”

“What?”

“I want to make you feel good.”

“Trust me, you’re doing that.” Bram tries to kiss Simon again, but Simon pulls back. He has this idea that bloomed in his mind a couple of days ago, and he wants to try it. It’s not a revolutionary idea, and it’s not even exactly new to them either, but since it came to him, it keeps coming back, really arousing him every time. He wants to do that. Right now.

“Lie on your back.” Bram smiles, apparently enjoying the bossy tone in Simon’s voice.

“Yes, sir.”

Simon gets the lube from Bram’s ‘drawer of fun’ (Bram very much objected to Simon calling it that, but Simon didn’t listen). He kneels at the bottom of the bed and pulls on Bram’s hips until his ass barely sticks out of the bed. Bram uses his heels on the mattress to steady himself.

Simon lubes his finger and starts teasing Bram. When Bram sounds relaxed and stimulated enough, Simon gets in. As soon as he finds what he’s been looking for, he presses on it and also takes Bram’s length in his mouth.

Bram’s upper body immediately tense and lifts from the mattress. He quickly starts calling out Simon’s name. He’s not screaming, but he is definitely – _definitely_ –  not quiet either. It takes Simon a lot of focus, to be performing those two actions at the same time, but Bram’s reactions are more than worth it.

Bram comes gripping the sheets so hard that his previously perfectly made bed is now a mess, mattress showing.

“Come here,” he tells Simon with a hoarse voice, sitting up on the edge of the bed. He pulls Simon up and he ends up on Bram’s lap, legs around him, Bram maintaining him steady with one arm, the other between them, hand working on Simon. His lips are in Simon’s neck, on his face, on his shoulder… everywhere.

Between the sounds Bram was making a few moments ago and the words he is whispering to him, Simon is already so worked up that he comes incredibly quickly.

After that, they both stay like this for a little while, looking at each other, letting their hands fondle each other.

“I’ve missed this,” Bram whispers. “Let’s forget about school, and tests, and university. Let’s do that for the next four years instead.”

“Sure. That will pay the bills. Unless that’s how you plan to make money. I’ll let you tell your mother that you’re giving up on Columbia for a chance at becoming a porn star.”

Bram laughs softly. “You’re right. As if I would like to share you with anyone. You’re mine in life _and_ through a screen.”

Simon looks down and realises the mess they’ve made, especially on both their stomachs. Bram looks as well. He grabs the bottle of lube with a smile. “Do you think we can use that in the shower?”

“Let’s find out!”

 

That evening, Simon’s parents ask him to stay after dinner. Nora asks if she can stay too and they don’t object.

“Simon, we need to talk to you about something,” Emily says. “You mentioned maybe wanting to go to the gay pride next weekend, but we weren’t really happy to let you go without adult supervision.”

“And you replied you’d rather go back in the closet than go to the gay pride with your parents,” Jack adds.

“I remember.” Of course he does. His parents, especially his mother, are still nervous about him showing in any way that he is gay when he is in public. He didn’t even try to argue that the Gay Pride is probably the last place he would be a victim of a hate crime. Because he didn’t want to have to brush the other issue they have but won’t mention: the fact that part of the gay pride is sexualised. If Simon doesn’t talk about sex with his parents for the rest of his life, he’s fine with that.

Simon doesn’t really mind not going anyway. There will be others. But it was such a big step for Bram who, behind all the awesomeness that is their relationship, had still a hard time reconciling his personal gay self and his public life.

“Well we’ve been talking to Gaby,” Jack adds. Even though Simon still finds it weird that he would call her that. “We might have a solution that would suit the two of you and the three of us.”

Simon highly doubts that.

“Adisa offered to go with you.”

“Who is Adisa?” Nora asks.

“My gay Sherpa,” Simon answers. “Seriously? You’d let us go with him?”

“He seemed reasonable and to really have looked out for you when we talked to him on the phone,” Emily says. “Plus he is a good friend of Mrs Greenfeld’s and she trusts him.” Simon isn’t sure that his father would agree with the ‘reasonable’ part of that sentence if he had actually met Adisa, but then again, he would never have pictured Bram’s mother to bond with him.

“And you would be fine with that? Us going with Adisa?”

“Yes. We already discussed when we would like to have you back, he told us about how the Gay Pride usually goes, and we agreed that you could go watch the parade and come back. Would you like that?”

“Yes!”

Simon almost can’t believe this. Adisa really is kind of magic. He just appears in his life whenever Simons needs him. Literally, a few days before his road trip with Bram, Simon was in a pharmacy, to buy some lube, feeling confused and overwhelmed about which one to pick, and at that specific moment, Adisa texted him to check up on him.

He clearly has a Spider-sense of whenever Bram and Simon need help.

Now that he is allowed to go, Simon realises that he is not happy just for Bram. He is happy with his life, fully, but he also knows that there is this entire community that he sort of is a part of. He thinks that it is something he needs: feeling like a member of a community. Wipe away some of the loneliness. Seeing with his own eyes that it isn’t Bram and him versus the world.

 

Later that night, Simon thinks that there is someone else that might need a sense of belonging.

_Hey Leah._

_Any plans for next weekend?_

_Contemplating the vacuity of human existence._

_Cool._

_Sounds fun._

_Feel like coming to the Pride with me and Bram?_

_As great as it sounds, I don’t really want to spend the day third wheeling you and Bram._

_It won’t be like that._

_Plus, you’ll get to meet Adisa._

_He does sound like he’s worth third-willing._

_So?_

_Can I bring Garrett?_

_In case you and Bram decide to seize your opportunity at making out in public._

_Bring whoever you want._

_Cool._

_I’ll be there._

_But…_

_Does Bram know?_

_Not yet._

_Do you want to tell him or should I?_

_I know it should be my moment, my thing and all of that_

_And I know that Bram is going to be super cool with it._

_But I don’t like coming out._

_It’s super awkward._

_I’ll tell him._

_Thanks._

_And thank you for inviting me._

 

The day of the Gay Pride, Emily drives Simon to Bram’s house because she wants to meet Adisa in person. Simon will get a ride back from Leah after the whole thing.

When they arrive, everyone is there already. Adisa is wearing a zebra print suit and a magenta hat with a purple feather on. His eyelids are decorated with rainbows and so are his nails. He still absolutely doesn’t look feminine. He still looks like if the world isn’t made for him, he will bend it until it is.

Simon looks at his mother. She looks surprised by Adisa, but pleasantly so.

“Drama Boy!” Adisa exclaims when he sees Simons. “Come get ready.”

On the coffee table is spread the biggest mess Simon has ever seen in this house. “What is all this?”

“Adisa said that you can’t go to the Gay Pride with him if you don’t classify as fabulous,” Bram answers using the same tone he would if he were helping Simon grasp a science concept.

“Right. Sure. Of course.”

“I think it’s the best day of my life,” Garrett comments getting a pink glittery feather boa out of a bag. “Can I please wear this?”

“Of course you can, Kitten,” Adisa answers. Simon can see on Leah’s face that she is definitely going to call Garrett ‘Kitten’ for the rest of the school year. Maybe forever.

Emily sits on the sofa with Bram’s mom, away from the agitation.

“Abby would have loved this part,” Simon comments.

“Nick not so much,” Leah answers with a smile. “I think he would have… OH MY GOD!” She gets out a stick that is labelled ‘eyebrow glitters’. “We have to, right?”

When they are done scavenging through Adisa’s wonder bags, they are all definitely fabulous. All four of them now have glittery silver eyebrows. Garrett has his boa and tried to put on some bright yellow nail polish but it’s already chipped because he didn’t listen to Leah when she told him that it wasn’t dry yet. It still looks festive, though. Leah has full-on painted her face with the bisexuality flag – that Simon didn’t even know was a thing – and changed into a purple sequin cocktail dress. Bram, puts on a blue boa matching Garrett’s (and Garrett decides they can be Kitten and Puppy) and a temporary tattoo of a rainbow on his left cheekbone. Simon puts on some eye-liner (it was a bit crooked, but Adisa fixed it for him) – because Bram once told him he looked sexy like that – and Leah draws little stars in different colours all over his face. When Simon asks her why stars, Garrett tells Simon that he is now the proud representant of gays across the universe.

 

When they get to downtown Atlanta, everyone is bubbly and happy, and Simon has never felt so positive about being gay. Until now, the only silver lining was Bram. Right now though, he feels like he would be alright in the world. That even without Bram, there would be a place for him in the world.

Adisa knows _a lot_ of people. He greets many, introduces some, and turns away a few. At some point, a man dressed all in leather checks Bram out. Adisa tells him that Bram is underage. The man answers that he doesn’t mind and Adisa promises him that if he comes closer, he will chop his balls off. He says it with the detached tone of someone who just might go through with it. Other than that, most of the people they meet are great.

A transvestite with the highest heels that Simon has ever seen is giving away condoms. Bram and Garrett happily take a few.

They meet some friends of Adisa’s who are celebrating their fortieth year together _today_ and when Simon asks them what the secret is, they reply, “Never try to tie the other person down. Unless it’s in the bedroom.” Yeah, Simon is happy his parents aren’t here for that.

Then they meet an old lady who is straight but who lost her twin brother because of aids in the nineties, and that she would rather honour him here every year than go to a grave where she hopes his soul isn’t.

They meet two lesbians who came out to their parents today by telling them where they would be spending the day.

They meet so many people that Simon’s head is spinning a little. The world is so much bigger than it seems when they are in that tiny high school with those tiny minded people. Well… those tiny minded people plus Garrett, who is now chatting up some guy just to see if he can score a phone number. He is so different from what Simon thought of him, even just a year ago. Was he always like that or is it the Bram effect?

Adisa finds the perfect spot to watch the parade. Again, there is so much diversity there that Simon sometimes has trouble knowing where to look. Some floats are extremely gay. In the stereotypical sense of the term. But if you can’t live the cliché here, where can you?

Some floats are more sober. Some are even sad and paying homage to people dying or suffering because of their sexual orientation.

One float is sexy firemen, and Simon is totally down for that.

One car passes with people who are all over eighty years old.

Another float is basically a beauty pageant of women who are trans, according to their banner, and who, according to Leah, nailed femininity more than anyone born in that gender.

Some people are marching with their children celebrating their right to have a family.

There are so many that Simon couldn’t describe all of them. But he is having fun the entire time. He exchanges looks, comments and kisses with Bram. In broad daylight, in the city centre, without anyone to comment. They are – by FAR – not the raciest thing happening around.

 

At some point, Simon gets thirsty and he decides to go get something to drink at one of the food stands. Bram comes with him.

“It is a bit surreal, isn’t it?” Simon asks after taking a sip.

“It is. It is miles from Creekwood, isn’t it? And yet, not literally.”

“Did Blue ever picture being here?”

“I don’t know. This isn’t me. This couldn’t be my everyday life. But once a year? Absolutely.”

Simon smiles, and a group of boys walking away from watching the parade catches Simon’s attention. They are approximately their age and Simon is pretty sure he knows one of them. Or he’s seen him before.

Of course, he has. It was on the pictures Garrett showed them of soccer camp. Simon remembers teasing Bram, calling that boy hot and Bram looking mortified. Does Bram know that he is gay? Or at least supporting his gay friends?

“Bram, wasn’t he in your soccer camp?”

Bram follows Simon’s gaze and he freezes. His face is completely blank and Simon doesn’t understand why. Were they sworn enemies over there?

That’s when the boy sees them. He says something to his friends and jogs toward Bram and Simon with a big smile on his face. “Bram!” The other boy slams into Bram and pulls him into a bro hug, like Garrett has done a million time. Except Bram doesn’t shoot a panicky look at Simon when Garrett does that. “How are you?”

“Great. This is Andrew. You’re right he was at soccer camp with me. And this is…”

“Simon,” Andrew interrupts. Simon is proud to know that Bram mentioned him to one of the boys at camp. “Look, I only have a second, I have plans with my friends, but I wanted to apologise for that morning, Bram. And also to you, Simon. It was out of line, and I didn’t want any awkwardness to linger.” His friends call his name and he gestures them to wait another second. “Anyway, I’m sure we’ll bump into each other again at some point. We’ll catch up then.” And he disappears.

The crowd seems to vanish. The music, the floats and the excitement seem to vanish. There is nothing left but Bram’s anxious, grey-toned face, and the echo of what the boy said. It could have meant anything. But it doesn’t. Bram’s face alone is selling off the fact that it doesn’t.

Simon is still going to make Bram say it.

“Bram… Why is a boy I don’t know apologising to me for something he’s done to you?”

 

 


	23. The first time they broke each other's heart

**Bram**

 

Bram feels like it would be easier to cope with the world ending than with the way Simon is looking at him.

Next to them, someone exits his building and Bram reaches to hold the door open. It is not a conversation he wants to have with Simon on the street. They enter the empty lobby. Another glass door separates them from the actual building. They are literally in their own bubble. The concept doesn’t feel as nice as it would have a day ago. Or even ten minutes ago.

Bram doesn’t know how to start. How to make Simon understand. How to not make things worse. All he can see is Simon’s face. He isn’t mad. Bram could cope with mad. He could cope with Simon yelling at him right now. But Simon is perfectly silent. Simon looks disappointed. Like Bram let him down. Like Bram isn’t the person he thought he was.

And that is exactly what Bram cannot cope with.

“Who was he?” Simon asks, tone calm and even.

“Andrew Scott. He’s a guy from soccer camp.”

“Just from soccer camp?”

“Just from soccer camp.”

“Okay, and what happened at camp?”

“Nothing, Simon…”

“No one apologizes over nothing,” Simon interrupts him. He is starting to sound annoyed.

“He kissed me.” Simon exhales loudly and looks away from Bram. Bram almost begs Simon to look at him. He doesn’t, though. He is afraid of how Simon will look at him next. “Simon, it was nothing. I didn’t even kiss him back, I promise you.”

“It wasn’t nothing.”

“I am sorry about the kiss, I truly am, but…”

“No one cares about that kiss.” Simon finally looks back at Bram and it’s like he can’t even comprehend how stupid Bram is being right now. It’s the sentence Bram was dreaming to hear from Simon, but it doesn’t feel like good news. “A guy kissed you. I spend my entire days wanting to kiss you, what truly surprises me is that no one tried before him. The real problem is that you didn’t tell me.”

“Because there was nothing to tell.”

“Don’t lie to me, Bram.” Bram could answer that he isn’t lying, but the truth hit him in the face with every single one of Simon’s words. “If there truly was nothing to tell, you would have mentioned it. I know you. You know what? It actually all makes sense, now. All those weird reactions you had lately that I couldn’t understand. It’s been right there between us the entire time.”

“Simon, it was nothing.”

“I don’t mean the kiss. I mean the lying. If it were eating you up like this… Bram, I can handle the kiss. Ever if you kissed him back, I could have handled that. I could have handled you not telling me because you genuinely thought it was nothing. What I find extremely hard to accept is the fact that you felt like you had to tell me, but didn’t. Why? Why didn’t you?”

“To avoid this.”

“And how well did that work out? Did you really think that we are that weak? That what we have couldn’t survive this little bleep?”

“Simon… I… It’s not like that.”

“But it is. You got scared and you thought that I didn’t love you enough to get past a non-event. You don’t think it was hard to tell you that I freaked out and don’t want to have sex with you yet? It was fucking terrifying, but I came to you, and I talked to you. Even if it took me time, even if I was scared. Because it’s supposed to be our thing. We tell each other everything.” Simon’s tone isn’t even anymore, and Bram can tell that he is fighting tears. He really wants to reach for Simon, but he knows that he can’t. He isn’t allowed. Not now.

“There is one other reason you might not have told me,” Simon says and his voice sounds so defeated that it hurts Bram. Not as much as the next words out of his mouth, though: “Did you want to kiss him back? Did you have feelings for him?”

Bram opens his mouth but closes it without saying anything. He can’t lie to Simon. But he can’t tell the truth either. Simon looks like he’s been punched.

“So… A boy you liked kissed you, and that’s ‘nothing’ to you?”

“It was nothing. It didn’t even make me flinch, Simon. I didn’t want to make something out of it. Like the way I’ve build up the Cal Price thing.”

“Really? We’re there again?”

“No! No, we’re not, I’m just… I want to believe that if Cal kissed you, it wouldn’t feel like something big. Because you and I are stronger than that.”

“It wouldn’t. But I would still tell you. When feelings are involved, it’s not ‘nothing’, Bram.”

“I don’t have feelings for him. I had a crush on him, last year. Nothing more.”

“And I don’t have feelings for Cal anymore. But I would still tell you.”

They are quiet for a few seconds and Bram can physically feel Simon pulling away from him. He can feel his relationship disintegrate. And he has no idea how to stop that.

“I can understand you being kissed by a boy. I can understand you having feelings for someone else. I can even understand you deciding not to tell me, even if I disagree with it. But that still leaves out two things.”

“Which ones?”

“The least important one, but that really triggers me right now, is that I was like a fool out there. We lived a moment during which this stranger knew more about my relationship than me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even blame him. For any of it. He didn’t look like he was trying to stir things up, I really think he wanted to apologize to both of us. I respect that. I think he thought you were the kind of person that would tell his boyfriend about what happened. You, however… you let that happen. You put me in that situation, Bram.”

“I’m sorry, Simon.”

“Yeah, you said that already. It’s fine. As I said, it’s not the most important thing.”

“What is?” Bram asks, but he doesn’t want to know. He wants the entire conversation to stop right now. He wants to go back and change things. He wants to move forward until it is all settled. He doesn’t want to be in the present.

“You let this whole thing come between us. All those times you weren’t honest with, or you were pulling away because of it… You didn’t want to make a thing out of it, Bram, but you did. I can’t look back at those past months the same way. When was it even just you and me? How many times were you thinking about it? Every time you thought about your lie, you were technically thinking about that kiss. And… wait… that night in the cabin…”

“NO! No, Simon. That night, it was just you and me. If you have to trust one thing out of all of this, it’s this one. That night was ours, and my mind was on nothing but you. This never followed us in the bedroom.”

“Just that bedroom, or any? Because I’m sure that you can’t look at me in the eyes and tell me that that wasn’t on your mind the day you came back and you went all dominant on me. I thought… I thought it was weird, you had this look in your eyes that you had after our fight and there I was, thinking that maybe I couldn’t read you as well as I thought…”

Bram can’t answer that. Simon is right. The whole thing was on his mind that day. Maybe even more than Simon was.

“You know what? I think you were right after all,” Simon says softly, looking like he discovered an obvious truth for the first time.

“About what?”

“Do you remember all those times we joked about the Bram in my head and the one in yours being so different? How I kept telling you that you were a better person than you thought? Well, I guess you actually were right all along.”

Straight where it hurts. The shy, insecure Bram that couldn’t show the world who he was and who couldn’t go after what he wanted was starting to disappear. Since Simon chose Blue and decided that Bram was even better than Blue, Bram was starting to believe that he was worth it. If Simon doesn’t believe that about him, is it even true anymore?

Isn’t that the big quantum theory question? ‘If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ Events need someone or something to witness them or they don’t exist. Bram’s greatness only existed in Simon’s eyes, and now it’s gone.

“I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with you,” Simon says and Bram feels like he’s going to be sick. “It would all just have been fake.” Simon looks at Bram like everything has been said and turns around to leave.

“Simon, wait… are you leaving me?” Bram doesn’t want to know the answer to that. He would happily let this agony last forever to not have to live through the devastating pain of losing Simon.

“Trust me… You don’t want me to answer that right now. I’ll get a ride from Leah.”

“I’ll call you later.”

“Don’t. Just don’t. You had months to process this, I need time to do the same. I’ll call you when I figure out what I want.”

And Simon leaves the lobby.

Bram hates those kinds of soulless, aseptic places. He always has, but especially today.

He focuses on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. That’s easy. That’s mechanic. That’s mind-numbing. That’s infinitely better than focusing on the hole that’s painfully growing in his chest, threatening to swallow him whole.

 

When Bram makes it back to the parade, all the cheering, the colors and the glitters seem dull. Everything around Bram is happiness and celebration, but none of it can reach him anymore. He gets to Garrett and Adisa. Simon and Leah are gone already.

“Trouble in paradise?” Adisa asks. Bram nods. “Do you want to talk about it?” Bram considers it for a moment. Adisa has always been great at listening to Bram. But at this point, Bram doesn’t need help. He doesn’t need someone to understand what happened and to tell him that everything is going to be alright. He doesn’t need someone to tell him that Simon will get over it when nobody can know if he will. He doesn’t need someone to tell him that there are other fish in the sea as if Simon isn’t one in seven billion. He needs someone to tell him that he is an idiot, and Adisa won’t do that.

“No… Not right now, thanks. Garrett, can we go?”

“Sure! Let’s go. Adisa, are you alright for a ride back?”

“Kitten, I never had any problem to find someone to take me home. But same thing for you as for Wonder Girl. Text me when you’re both safely home. And Puppy, tell your mom that I’ll come and collect my mess tomorrow.”

Bram nods and they start walking away. As they get closer to where they parked Garrett’s car, the sound of the celebrations is fading away.

“What happened?” Garrett asks.

“We ran into Andrew.”

“Oh. Shit.” They are silent for a few more steps. Bram knows that Garrett is trying not to say it. He says it anyway. “I told you so, Puppy.”

“Not helping, Kitten.”

 

Simon needs time. Bram gets that. But it’s torture not knowing what’s happening in this head of his. If he is leaning toward forgiveness or breaking up.

School is the hardest. Bram tries his best to stay away. To give Simon space. He went back to a pre-Simon routine, when they barely even saw each other in the corridors, he eats lunch with Toby’s friends. Garrett comes with him every single day even though Bram tells him that he doesn’t mind him eating with their friends. Once in a while or every day. Garrett replies that they are friends. But Bram is family.

English and Algebra though, they are in the same room. It’s not a problem in English, because Bram decided to stop sitting on the couch and took a seat on the first row. He doesn’t have to see Simon. He is painfully aware of his presence, and it’s like his brain can pinpoint him at any time, but he doesn’t have to see him. They have a seating plan in Algebra and Bram is two seats behind Simon. Between them is Amy Clarke. She is tiny, so he has to stare at the mess of Simon’s hair, forbidding himself to think about touching it. He has a clear view of his neck and it’s hard not to think about kissing it.

Bram had the same struggles a few weeks ago, but in a whole different way. In a ‘let’s focus on class’ kind of way. Not in an ‘I’d sell my soul to do that one more time’ kind of way.

More than once, Bram has to stop himself for finding Simon, slamming him against a wall, kissing him like never before and begging him to make up his mind already.

 

Friday evening, Bram feels like he is going to go crazy if he has to spend another weekend mind pinballing between his maybe-boyfriend/maybe-ex-boyfriend and the soon due SAT results.

Bram decides to be as proactive as he can without invading Simon’s thinking space. Something Simon won’t get unless he comes looking for it. Something from the last time he thought he might have lost Simon.

 

 

FROM: bluegreen1118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Oct 3 at 9:43 AM

Subject: My biggest mistake yet

 

Simon,

I just realized that the last email we sent to each other is the one you sent me before the carnival. It was the single greatest thing I have ever read in my entire life. It gave me the strength to go after what I wanted. That was to finally take a chance with you.

I feel like I have to thank you. Not just for that, but for everything that happened after. You made me a better person. I know it sounds cliché, but I do mean that. With you, I was brave, I was happy, I was hot, I was confident, I had faith in my future, I had self-esteem. Even if what we had is all we are ever going to have, if I can take some of what you gave me with me, you will have made me a better Bram.

But I really hope that this won’t be the end of us and that you will find it in you to forgive me. I know it has been said before, but that kiss was nothing. It lasted two seconds. There is some truth in what you said, though. When Andrew kissed me, I had a flash of shy, closeted, invisible Bram getting the boy. And that was incredibly unfair to you, because even though I needed Blue to connect to you, you are the one that found the real me and pulled him into the world. I was ashamed about that thought more than the kiss.

That’s what I was afraid of. You finding out about that and either resenting me for it or thinking that you weren’t enough. I was terrified that this could be the end of us – me indulging myself in that selfish thought more so than the kiss. Please know that this thought is not one that I have been contemplating since. You are more than enough. You are my everything. I don’t tell you I love you because you are my boyfriend. I tell you I love you because thinking of you creates feelings inside of me that should be too much for one person.

Please believe that what might have come between us these past few weeks wasn’t the kiss. Or the thought. Or Andrew. It was me. I knew that not telling you was questionable at best, and I wasn’t at ease with my cowardness. That’s what I wasn’t comfortable with. But I wasn’t pulled back to that moment. Never. Especially not that night.

That night was you and me, and even though it didn’t end the way we intended, it remains one of my most treasured memories.

I could write a hundred thousand more words about how much I love you and why, and I could beg you to stay with me.

But that wouldn’t be fair on any of us.

What we had was magical, and I would fight to keep that. But we can’t settle for less than that. I know you said you needed time, and I tried to give you the space you needed to think things through. But it has been a week. If by now you still don’t know if we can’t get past this, I guess it is telling us all we need to know. If the trust is gone, if all you can see when you look at me is disappointment or anger, then I think we shouldn’t go back.

As much as it would destroy me to lose you, it would kill me to get only half of you back.

You might never read this, but if you do, remember that I love you, and that we will always hold a piece of each other’s heart. There is beauty in that.

B.

 

Bram hits send. Simon won’t read that. Why would he? They haven’t used their fake email accounts in nearly a year. But he puts the words out there. They aren’t his best ones and tomorrow he will wish that he sent a completely different email. Or that he phrased some things differently. But tonight, those were the words that needed to get out.

It must have some therapeutic effect. Bram falls asleep quicker than he has in a long time.

 

He opens his eyes, confused.

It’s still dark outside. He glances at his alarm clock. It’s barely past midnight. What woke him up? Was he having a nightmare? He is pretty sure that he was dreaming about a stream in a forest. Or a path in a forest. Something with trees. And something was knocking on a tree.

Bram realizes that nothing was knocking on trees in his dream. Someone is however knocking on his window.

It’s Simon.

Bram gets out of bed and opens his window. “Simon? What are you doing here?”

“I got your email. You’re right. We should end this.”

And Bram's heart stops.

 

 


	24. The first time Simon reached out to Adisa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't supposed to do this one, but it was requested and I'm weak.  
> So here we are, bonus chapter!

**Simon**

 

Simon leaves the lobby. He doesn’t even want to look a Bram anymore. It’s like there are two Brams. The one from this morning, and the one from now. Except that the Bram from this morning was already a liar and a coward.

When Simon joins the other ones, Garrett is clearly flirting with Leah, and she is even more clearly flirting back. But Simon stands between them, looks Leah in the eyes and simply says: “Leah we need to go.”

“Go? Why? Where is Bram?”

“I don’t know. I want to be gone before he comes back.”

Simon can see all of them exchange looks. He doesn’t care. They can think what they want, Bram can tell them what pleases him, Simon doesn’t care. He just wants to get home, wash all the glitters away and go to sleep, even if it’s only the middle of the afternoon.

“Okay,” Leah answers finally. “Sure, let’s go.”

“Wonder Girl, text me when you’re both home,” Adisa says. “Drama Boy, call me if you need to talk.” Simon nods, but he knows he won’t call Adisa. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this. He wants to get home and… and what? Lick his wounds? Get his rage out? Simon doesn’t know, because he doesn’t know if he is angry or sad.

 

Leah tries to get him to talk all the way home, but Simon only tells her that he and Bram had a fight. When she asks what about, he doesn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t about the kiss. It wasn’t about hiding the truth either. It wasn’t about having a crush on someone else. It wasn’t about being afraid. When Simon looks at all the things individually, he doesn’t mind any of them. And yet all together, they form this shitty situation that he doesn’t know how to put feelings on.

“I get it,” Leah says, parking in front of Simon’s house. “It’s complicated. I’m sure you’ll talk to me when you’re ready. But Simon… it’s you and Bram. I’m sure it will get better.”

“I don’t know, Leah. It feels like a crossroads, this time.”

“What are you talking about. This morning, love was sweating from your pores. And now you don’t want anything to do with him? What did he do that was so bad?”

“He didn’t put us first,” Simon replies. That’s it. That’s what Simon is so upset about. Bram’s thought process was self-centered. Bram did what was best for Bram. Not for Simon, not for their relationship. That’s what fucking hurts.

“Simon… You and Bram… You’re what makes me believe in love. _Me_. Whatever happened… I know you’ll get over this.”

“Since when are you such a big fan of Bram’s?”

“I am a fan of yours, and Bram makes you happy.”

“I thought so too. But he’s not who I thought he was.”

“Simon…”

“Leah, can we please drop it for today?”

“Sure. Call if you need me.”

“I will.”

 

Simon gets into his house and his parents leave the living room to come and see him. “You’re here early!” Emily says. “How was it?” Then she notices his face at the same time his father notices his outfit.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

“Wow, you do look gay,” he says.

Simon is pretty sure he could have talked to his mother. Share the sad part of his mind with her. But his father comment triggers the angry part. So that’s what he lets out. “Really? I look gay? That might be linked to the fact that I am gay, maybe. Even though I’m not entirely sure what ‘look gay’ means.”

“Simon…”

“No, no, seriously. Which stereotype are we working on? Glitters and pink? That’s closer to the drag queen than the leather stereotype. Which one would you prefer? I’m sure you’d be more ashamed of me dressing feminine than of me indulging in a sexually connoted cliché if I did it with manliness.”

“Simon, it’s really not…”

“What you meant? I know. It’s never what you meant. But it’s always what you say. I’m sure it’s a real disappointment to you that your only son is gay. Actually, no. I’m sure you’d be perfectly fine with that if at least I was sporty like Bram. I’m sure you don’t think that Bram looks gay. You know what else is a disappointment? Not feeling comfortable with myself in my own house. I mean sure, you think you’re so open-minded because you still love me, and you were favorable to gay marriage before it happens, but you keep saying those things. Daily doses of casual homophobia.”

When Simon stops talking, his eyes are burning, but he won’t cry. He will keep the tears inside even if it destroys him. Emily looks worried, but Jack looks properly devastated.

“Simon…”

“That’s fine. It’s not like I’m not used to it. I’m gonna take a shower. Try to look less gay before dinner.”

 

In the shower, he lets the tears out.

 

After the shower, Simon feels really tired. He decides to go for a nap. He lies in bed and faces the wall. But there are pictures of him and Bram there. There is even a picture of Bram from soccer camp, looking focused and cheeks flushed from the game. He was so hot in that picture that Simon asked Garrett to send him it. Now he reads it entirely differently.

He turns around, closes his eyes and falls asleep.

 

He is woken up by Emily. “Simon, dinner is ready.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“What happened today, Love?” She doesn’t realize it, but it’s the first time she’s ever called him that and it makes him very nauseated. That word should be taken off every dictionary.

“Nothing. It’s just been a tiring day.”

“Okay. I’m here if you want to talk, you know that?”

“Yeah.”

 

Simon is woken up a second time. By his dad. “Hey, buddy. Bachelor is about to start.” If there is one thing Simon does not want to do right now, it’s celebrate half-scripted, highly edited straight love.

“No thanks.”

“Can we talk?” Simon sits up in his bed. He will have to talk to his dad eventually. Why not now? It’s not like things can get worse. “Si, I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. You know I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was a joke, I thought it would be my awkward way of supporting you in this step in your life. I thought it was the whole point of the Gay Pride.”

“Dad, it’s fine. I’m over it. I was mad about something else.”

“No, you weren’t. you might have been mad about something else too, but you were clearly angry about that. Simon… The last thing I want is for you to feel like this is not a supportive loving house. Since you came out, I really educated myself. I read articles, I talk to other parents, I take an interest in things that don’t even apply to you. Like transitioning. Because one day you, or one of your sisters, might bring a friend that went through that and I don’t want to make them feel awkward or to embarrass you. I’m still going to make silly jokes. That’s me. That’s being a dad. But none of them comes from a place that doesn’t fully accept you. Drag queen and leather included. Even though… contrary to what you think, I’d be happier with the drag. It’s more you.”

Simon feels like crying again, but it’s a nice change to all the other times he wanted to cry today.

“So you’re not disappointed?”

“Disappointed? In you? Of course I am. And your sisters too. I thought for sure that you would all be geniuses. Or that one of you would develop superpowers. But you’re all regular kids. I guess I still like you. I have however never felt disappointed in you being gay. Actually, if we could trade Nora for a lesbian that shoots laser with her eyes, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

His dad jokes are still lame, and probably a tat offensive, but this time they felt like he’s telling Simon that he loves him.

“What happened today, Simon? It was supposed to be a happy day for you. Look… we trust you, but if you don’t talk to us, we will have to call Adisa. To make sure that you’re alright.”

“I’m fine. I had a fight with Bram?”

“Oh. I can handle that. Relationship problems. Wanna tell me about it?”

“Not really. Do you ever fight with Mom?”

His dad pauses for a moment and Simon knows it’s because he’s taking the question seriously. “Not so much anymore. But we used to. I think it’s every time we had to find a new balance. Leaving the honeymoon phase. College, and thank God we were in the same one. First apartment. This one was a tough one. When you don’t get your own space to think. First baby. I mean… having Alice was the weirdest mix of being blissfully, incomparably happy, and wanting a divorce.”

“It was that bad?”

“Not really. Not at all. But it feels that big when you’re in the middle of the fight. The problem isn’t if you fight or not, although too much fighting is probably a sign that things aren’t working. The real question is in two parts. Do you bounce back from the fight stronger, and are you happy? Next time you talk to Bram, ask yourself that question and then you’ll know what to do.”

“Thanks, Dad. That was actually very helpful.”

“What do you mean ‘actually’? I’m always very helpful. I’m a wisdom pit. Alright, I’m going to watch who’s getting the rose this week.”

 

School is the hardest. Simon knows that Bram is there, but it’s like he disappeared. He is never by his locker, they don’t see each other in the corridors, which makes Simon realize that Bram had been changing his routine every day for them to see each other ‘randomly’ and it makes his heart swell and hurt at the same time, and Bram doesn’t eat with them anymore. Garrett changed his lunch habits as well. It comforts Simon to know that in all of this, Bram still had Garrett by his side.

English and Algebra are especially hard. Algebra not so much because Bram is behind him and Simon can pretend that he isn’t thinking about him all the time. In English, though, Bram is on the front row. Whenever Simon looks at the board, he sees Bram, and feels a pinch in his stomach.

Bram respects his end of the bargain and he is giving Simon time and space. As childish and unfair as it is, Simon blames Bram for it. He wishes Bram would fight for them. For him. But Bram turned into a silent ghost. Bram turned back to being the invisible silent classmate that Simon couldn’t see for Blue.

 

On Friday, Simon almost has lunch with Cal. Just for Bram to see. To make him react. To show that he can hurt him too.

He doesn’t. That would be cruel and Simon doesn’t want to hurt Bram. He just… he doesn’t know what he wants. Clearly, since he’s getting mad at Bram for doing exactly what he asked him to.

Plus, that would be very petty. Simon isn’t mad about the kiss. Nor the crush thing. How could he be? It was from before they even met. Plus, Simon doesn’t believe for one second that Bram would have picked Andrew, or even let things go beyond a kiss. Yet, it still hurts that the crush remains after all this time. When Simon sees Cal now, he doesn’t feel anything anymore. Then again, he used to crush on Cal because he might have been Blue, it wasn’t real.

The whole thing is just freaking confusing.

 

That’s when Simon understands that he needs guiding through all of this. Contrarily to what he thought, there is just one person he actually wants to talk to. He gets his phone out and makes a call.

 

Adisa invited Simon to dinner. He came to pick him up at his house, met his parents – Simon was proud of his dad for not even flinching at Adisa. To be fair, he isn’t as much as he can sometimes be. He dyed his beard silver, he is wearing old fashion black trousers with suspenders, a cyan shirt and a black tie with silver stripes. His eye-liner matches his shirt.

Adisa takes Simon to a small Senegalese restaurant.

“Ever eaten Mafé, Drama Boy?”

“No, never.”

“One of my ex-boyfriends took me here and introduced me to it. You’ll love it. So… Are we here to talk about your problems with Puppy, or something else?”

“I’d like to talk about Bram. Sorry, you probably have better things to do with your time.”

“Better than what? Eat? I would have eaten even without you, you know? So. Puppy. Is he in the ex-boyfriend category, now?”

“I don’t know.”

“What happened between the two of you that you would go from almost undressing each other in public to being two miserable lost souls?”

Just like that, Simon tells him everything. All of it. From Bram’s first crush on Andrew till the Gay Pride. He includes Blue and Jacques, Cal Price, the Tilt-A-Whirl, Bram’s second time at soccer camp, the kiss, the lying, the night in the cabin…

Through the entire –  sometimes disjointed –  story, Adisa just listens. At the end of it, Simon is pretty sure that he is going to tell him that he is being ridiculous, but instead, very seriously, he says. “I’ve met a lot of people, with a lot of stories. I’ve never quite heard one like that. The two of you couldn’t just meet up and talk, I guess. You’re too special for that.

Simon thinks about Blue and it makes him ache for Bram. “Am I being ridiculous?”

“Those are your feelings. It doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is how _you_ feel. No one can dictate that for you.”

“Still… what should I do?”

“See, Drama Boy, you are operating on a scale. At one end of the scale, are the people that forgive the other one everything in the name of love. That’s not good. That creates battered women. On the other hand of the scale, there are the righteous people that can’t forgive any screwup. That’s no better. Because the other person is by definition a person and we all screw up at some point. You can only expect forgiveness if you can give it. If you can be in the middle of those two, it’s the perfect balance. But no one can do that. We all lean one way or the other. What you need to do now is find where you stand on the scale. It doesn’t have to be a set place. It can be a range. At one end of the scale, put a red line. Out of that red lines are all the things you wouldn’t forgive anyone because of the respect you have for yourself. Then draw a blue line. Then draw another line at the other end of the scale. A blue one. Think about all the things you would forgive Puppy. That blue line can go further than the red one because you love Puppy that much, or it can exclude even more things because you put yourself first, and that would be fine. Now think about what he did. Is it still on your scale or not? If it’s on your scale, it means that you have it in you to forgive him. Even if it takes time. If it’s out of your scale, you have to let it go. Because if you can’t give true forgiveness, it will come back to haunt you again and again until the resentment takes you apart anyway. So, again, I can’t tell you what to do. It doesn’t matter if I would forgive Puppy, because Puppy doesn’t need my forgiveness. He needs yours. And only you can give or deny that.”

“I want to forgive him.”

“Of course, you do. Puppy is a nice kid. It’s not a question of what you want. It’s a question of what you can.”

“In my head, I know it’s silly.”

“But not in your heart, right? Look, Drama Boy, you’re seventeen. If you were my age, you would probably let that slide. But right now, with both your experiences, or lack of, this feels like a massive thing. And that’s your truth. Don’t ever let anyone undermine what you are, what you think or what you feel. If you wanted to break up with Puppy because he told you that cherry ice-cream is disgusting, you’d be entitled to do that. You decide how you feel. Or, rather, you don’t. But you, and only you, decide what you want to do about it.” Simon nods. “Okay. How do we feel about dessert?”

 

Simon thinks about what he wants. Everything he has been through with Bram. How being apart for two weeks was all it took to nearly destroy what he thought was indestructible.

 

When he gets dropped home, Simon made up his mind. He knows what he wants.

 

Simon is getting ready for bed when he checks his phone. His heart nearly stops and he feels like his mind in being dragged back in time. He has a notification from bluegreen118.

Finally, Bram is fighting for them.

It won’t change anything now. Simon already decided. But he opens it instantly anyway, fingers shaking.

 

When he sneaks out to go to Bram’s, he is smarter this time and he leaves a note. Hopefully, that will avoid him from being grounded again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, however, means that the cliffhanger is still not resolved.


	25. The first time they talked about the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, but two chapters in less than 12 hours, stop being greedy.

**Bram**

 

“End what?” Bram asks, heart pounding.

“This weird limbo we’re both stuck in.” This isn’t much of an answer, but at least Simon didn’t reply ‘our relationship’. Bram moves from the window and Simon gets in. Bram really wishes that, just once, he would let Simon in for another reason than the potential dissolution of their relationship. Bram sits on his bed, wrapping his blanket around him, and Simon sits on the desk chair facing Bram.

“Simon, I…”

“No. I came here because I have things to say and I need to say them.” Bram nods silently. Whether Simon’s words are going to destroy him or set him free, he wants to hear them. More than that, he wants Simon to be able to say them. “I needed time to take what happened in. I didn’t feel like we could have that talk until I felt I had to process it. Because you had that time, and we needed sot of fairness on that point.”

“I get that. Do you feel ready now?”

“I think so. But before we get on to the soccer camp thing… I realized something. The entire week, I couldn’t tell if I was more sad or mad. But the truth is I was confused and afraid.”

“What about?”

“For a moment, can we pretend that the last week didn’t happen? Let’s have this conversation like it was before the Pride. Because there is something I need to know before… before being sure of what I want for us.”

Bram is a bit confused. But he can definitely give that to Simon. From his point of view, nearly nothing has changed over the past week. “Sure.”

“There is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I was trying to silence it without really noticing. You were forced to be honest with me, and I guess it’s my turn. SATs results are coming up.” Bram did not expect that to be Simon’s new topic. “You have been nervous about it, but not obsessing. I think it’s a sign that you think you did well. Which means Columbia.”

“We don’t know that.”

“But we do. Columbia, or another Ivy, but you’re getting in. My father said something this week. He pretty much said that the only reason he and my mum made it through college is because they went to the same place. There is no way I’m going to an Ivy. But NYU has a really strong performing arts program.”

Bram knew that talk would come sooner rather than later. He really didn’t want to have to tell Simon what he’s about to say. And the middle of their worst fight probably isn’t the best time to do so, but there’s no way he’s doing half-truths anymore. “NYU? Where does this come from? I’ve never heard you mention it before.”

“It’s a recent interest?”

“Because of me?”

“Well… yeah!”

“Then don’t. When it comes to college, I think that I should do me and you should do you.”

“So what? Have a nice run till august and then break up?”

“No! I mean… if that’s what you want, I understand, but I want to try to make it work long-distance.”

“Everyone says it’s really hard,” Simon points out.

“We’re not everyone. People are lazy in relationships and tend to go for what’s easy and shiny. I want to go for what’s right and beautiful. That’s us.”

“So… in this pre-Pride scenario, you see us staying together in college? Even if we end up in different states?”

“Absolutely, yes! Not you?”

“That’s what I hoped with all my heart. I didn’t know if I was being naïve.”

The tension in the room doesn’t get lighter though. Nor does Simon’s tone. Because this wasn’t the big conversation they were supposed to have. “But then Pride happened,” Bram comments.

“But then soccer camp happened,” Simon corrects. It stings, but it’s not a low blow from Simon. It’s the truth and Bram has to be fine with that. “Look, Bram… What I found out while thinking about what happened is that I can overlook everything that happened.” A warm, soft wave of hop washes over Bram’s mind.

“You can?”

“It’s a ‘yes, but’ kind of statement.”

“Okay. But what?”

“But I need to know that we’re coming out of it stronger. I don’t think I could stay with you knowing that we would break up before college. But now that we agreed that we want to try… It was two weeks, Bram. That will be four years. I need to trust that you will be faithful to me when we’re apart. The only way for me to believe that is to trust that if something happens, you will tell me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over cheating. But I am certain I won’t be able to forgive lying.”

“Simon… There is one thing I still haven’t apologized about. That’s hurting you. I tried to do the best thing, maybe not for the right reasons, but… I never intended for you to get hurt. There is something you said in that lobby that just stuck with me. You said I didn’t believe that we were strong enough. I won’t make that mistake again. I am going to believe in us, and I am going to believe that as long as we have truth, we’ll be able to overcome anything.”

Simon stands up and walks to the bed.

“What are you doing?”

“Just move over.”

Before Bram even realizes what’s happening, they are both lying, facing each other, under the cover. They are still not touching, though. Bram’s heart is beating loud and fast. It feels like he’s still not allowed to kiss Simon, but he knows he will be again. Soon.

“Can we leave all of that behind?” Simon asks.

“I’d like nothing more,” Bram truthfully answers. Simon takes Bram’s hand and puts it on his chest. Bram can feel that Simon is in the same emotional state as he is. Bram uses his free hand to do the same and Simon smiles.

Bram isn’t entirely sure who started, but they are now holding each other tight, letting out tears of relief. They are not sobbing, or even properly crying, they are simply relieving the tension of the past week.

Then Simon’s lips are on Bram’s, butterfly soft, even more careful than their first kiss. “I love you,” Simon says.

“I missed you,” Bram answers because it somehow feels more important to share that.

They kiss again, deeper this time. But it doesn’t turn sexual. It remains sweet and quite innocent. Tonight is about connecting to each other again emotionally. They alternate between cuddling and kissing, whispering sweet words and talking about how their week went.

“My dad told me that it’s fine to fight if you come out of it stronger and happy,” Simon says at some point.

“I think we’re definitely stronger,” Bram says. I’ve certainly learned from it.”

“And we talked about the future.”

“Yeah. So that’s one box checked. The second one… I’m happy. Are you?”

“I am. It’s going to sound crazy, but I might be happier than I was before the fight.”

“Because September isn’t such a blur?”

“Maybe. About that… I think I’m still going to apply to NYU. They have a good program. But… I won’t make it my first choice.”

“What are you thinking? For your first choice.”

Simon bites his bottom lip, visibly nervous. “UCLA.” Bram does the math. There are nearly three thousand miles between their dream schools. “Are you mad?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad? Are you mad that I’m applying to Columbia?”

“That’s different. It’s an Ivy school.”

“So what? I am an academic person, so I have academic dreams and goals. But it doesn’t mean that they are more valid than other dreams. At soccer camp, yeah, I know, poor timing, but there was this boy who said that after high school, he is going to open a garage to teach mechanics to kids failing in school so they have something to turn to instead of what people can do when school fails them. I think that’s a great project. I think it might be more important than going to a fancy school. Yet my dream looks better on paper to a lot of people. But I want you to understand this: Ivy school or not, what I’m doing in September is not more important than what you’ll be doing.”

Simon kisses Bram again. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Simon smiles, apparently genuinely happy that they are back to their usual selves. “That’s not a thing.”

“I guess not. There is so much grace in you forgiving me for screwing up.” Simon buries his face in Bram’s neck and Bram buries his own face in Simon’s hair. “Simon?”

“Hmm?”

“Never change your shampoo.”

Simon chuckles softly and his lips start kissing Bram’s neck. “Bram?”

“Yes, Love?” It feels so great to be able to use that word again.

“We sort of changed the subject, but… if we end up at both ends of the country… It’s four years.”

“I told you. I absolutely believe in us. We can make it. Even if it’s hard. We can turn long-distance into something great. Look what we’ve done with Jacques and Blue.”

“Which reminds me,” Simon says, tone completely different, pulling back to look at Bram, “you signed your email with a ‘B’. Was it for Blue or for Bram?”

“It could have been for Babe.”

Simon laughs. “I love how they all fit together. And I love all those sides of you.”

“Why did you check your old email address?”

“I never turned the notification off.” That answer makes Bram happy. It’s very silly, but he likes that they are not giving up on something that’s just theirs.

Bram glances at the clock. “Should you get home?”

“I left a note.”

“You might still get grounded.”

“Then let’s make the most of it now.”

“Let’s not. Your mom might make it three weeks this time.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“And I don’t want you to go. But let’s be responsible. And how about this: you go home for a little while, and you come back for breakfast. Using the front door and everything.”

“Or maybe I could use the window again. You know… use it for a good visit this time.”

“Technically, both those visits were pretty positive in outcome if not in context. But I see what you mean. Fine. Simon, would you sneak into my bedroom again tomorrow morning to have breakfast with my mom and me? Full disclosure, though, Phil might join us.”

“Meeting the boyfriend. Sounds official.”

“And that sentence works for the both of you.”

Simon smiles. “Fine. I’ll go. Avoid being grounded. So I can meet your mom’s boyfriend and help you figure out if his intentions are honorable.”

Bram smiles too. “Oh, and Simon… After breakfast, let’s go see a movie. Or take a walk. Boyfriend stuff.”

“I’d love to. But then we come back and we do another kind of boyfriend stuff, okay?”

“I’d love to,” Bram answers with an even bigger smile.

 

As soon as Simon texts Bram that he made it home safe and is still ungrounded, Bram falls asleep, happy.

He came clean about what happened, they cleared what they want for next year, Simon forgave Bram, and they are back on track.

Bram doesn’t know what the universe has planned for him next, but he knows that it’s either going to be great, or he’ll face it with Simon. Nothing can be that bad if Simon is by his side.

Not even an awkward breakfast with your mom’s new boyfriend.

 

 


	26. The first time they had sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. You all know that when you saw the title of the fic and the rating, it's the chapter you were all waiting for. Well, I let you down 25 times before, but it's finally here.
> 
> 2\. I heard you loud and clear in the comments, you want more Adisa. I'll make him pop by more often. Honestly, the way you were talking about him, it almost feels like I should make him a page on social media so he can share his infinite wisdom ;)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy the chapter, I hope it's what you were waiting for.

**Simon**

 

Simon wakes up ridiculously early for a Saturday. Without an alarm and even if he barely slept. He has a breakfast date with his boyfriend and he doesn’t want to miss it.

His parents are having breakfast when he makes it to the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Emily says. “I had the weirdest dream.”

“Oh?” Simon says still half asleep.

“Yes. I dreamt that I woke up in the middle of the night, came to the kitchen to get some water and there was a note from my son saying that he snuck out, again, to see his boyfriend. And yet this morning, the note is gone and the son is here. Weird, right?”

“Very weird.”

“What do you think that dream meant?”

“Mom… Am I grounded or not?”

“No. You left a note. You came back. But honestly. You have a phone, Simon. You know you can just call Bram if what you need to tell him is that important.”

“Some things you can’t do via phone.” His dad raises an eyebrow and shoots him a Look. Simon’s cheeks heat up instantly. “No, I don’t mean _that_.”

“What then?” Jack asks. “Makeup or breakup?”

His dad seems genuinely interested, so Simon answers: “We’re done fighting.”

“Good. I like Bram. It would have been a shame if I was supposed to despise him out of loyalty.”

“You wouldn’t have to despise Bram even if we broke-up.”

“Of course I would. And if he made you unhappy, I would even have to beat him up.”

“Jack, can we please not joke about beating up a teenager?”

“That’s fine,” Simon says. “Bram runs faster than dad. So, guys, if I’m not grounded… is it alright if go to Bram’s?”

“You saw him less than six hours ago.”

“I’ve been invited for breakfast.”

“Why did you even bother coming back?” Simon shrugs. “When will you be back?” Simon shrugs again. “Fine, go. Text us when you know when you’re coming back.”

 

Simon was hoping that he would arrive while Bram was still sleeping and that he could wake him up. With a kiss, maybe.

But when he arrives, Bram is already awake, sitting at his desk, doing some homework. He left his window open.

“Seriously, Bram? At half-seven on a Saturday?”

Bram doesn’t look up but Simon can see him smile. “I have plans for this weekend. I don’t think I’ll be doing much homework.”

“Plans?” Simon asks climbing in. “What sort of plans?”

“See, I’ve sort of have a fight with my boyfriend recently, and I sort of want to spend some quality time with him.”

“Really? That sounds fun.”

Someone knocks on the door and Mrs. Greenfeld comes in. “Bram, who are you talking to? Oh. Hi, Simon. When did you get here?”

“Good morning Mrs. Greenfeld. I just got here two minutes ago.”

“Through the window?”

“Yes, it was… quicker.”

“Ha-ha. Sure. Well, Phil just got here and breakfast is ready.”

 

Simon is a bit nervous about meeting Phil, but it goes away quickly. He is funny, charming, and when he asks questions to Bram or Simon, it seems like he is truly interested, not like he’s making small talk. Bram and Simon learn that he met Adisa when he first moved to Atlanta. He shared an apartment with a guy that happened to be Adisa’s boyfriend. The roommate in question disappeared from both their lives, but Adisa remained a good friend. “You get it, boys. He is quite unique in this world and I have rarely met someone so kind and so genuinely interested in other people.”

“I can picture him being a guide to every stranger in need he meets,” Simon says.

“Yes, that sums him up pretty well,” Phil admits. “Even though I think he has a particularly soft spot for the two of you.”

“Really?” Bram asks. “Why?”

“Why does he, or why do I think that?”

“Both.”

“I don’t know why he is so fond of you. Obviously, I can see why, but I don’t know if there is a deeper reason. And I know because he has a way of talking about you two. Even the fact that he would talk about you is quite revealing. Or that he got you nicknames. Even though I’m not quite sure why he nicknamed Bram after another boy.”

“That,” Mrs. Greenfeld answers with a smile, “is because you haven’t met Garrett yet. Once you do, you’ll get it.”

“Some competition there, Simon?” Phil asks.

“Oh no, no competition. Garrett is clearly his number one.” Bram gently nudges his knee under the table and looks at him with happy eyes.

Then, for some reason, something flashes in Simon’s mind. Adisa met Garrett. Phil knows about Garrett. He is pretty sure that his own parents know about Bram’s special bond with Garrett. Yet Bram’s dad didn’t know about Garrett.

“Phil, what do you do? As a job, I mean?” Simon asks to change his mind.

“I’m a nurse. Actually, I work in the same hospital Gabrielle does. We just never met before. She does research so she doesn’t really interact with the patients.”

“That’s why he’s here for breakfast,” Bram adds. “They are saving the environment one car share at a time.” He says it jokingly, but Simon knows that Bram appreciates not only the gesture for the environment, but also that Phil would care enough to come and pick his mother up.

Then they are given the best news ever. After work, they are going on a date and it’s easier if Mrs. Greenfeld then stays at Phil – everyone politely ignores that convenience is probably not what dictated that choice – and that she is fine with the boy spending the night unsupervised if Simon’s parents are fine with it and if they are sensible – that means no party.

 

After breakfast, they go see a movie, they grab lunch in town, and they walk around a bit. Simon is happy. Their bond is back in full strength. It’s like the last week didn’t happen. Actually, with the SATs and everything, it’s almost like they are back on holidays. That’s the last time they felt so free and relaxed.

Well… maybe that was the morning of the Pride, but Simon doesn’t really want to use this day as a happy reference.

They go back to Bram’s and they decide to start watching a new show on Netflix.

 

Simon opens his eyes. He is slightly disorientated for a few seconds. Simon is lying on Bram’s couch, Netflix is showing the ‘are you still watching’ screen, the sky is purple more than blue outside, and Bram is asleep, cuddled up against Simon, head on his chest, breathing evenly. Apparently, their short night caught up with them.

Or the show was that bad.

Simon runs his fingers along Bram’s jaw and that’s enough to wake him up. It takes him a few seconds too to understand what happened. “What time is it?”

“I’m not sure.”

Bram gets up and stretches, showing a patch of skin between his jeans and his shirt. Immediately, Simon doesn’t want anything other than touching that skin. He gets up as well, grabs Bram’s arm, pulls him against his body and kisses him like he means it.

Bram kisses Simon back like he means it too. “Is it time for that other boyfriend stuff you promised me yesterday?” Bram asks between kisses.

“Absolutely,” Simon answers taking Bram’s top off. Bram kisses Simon’s neck while pulling his t-shirt off, slower than ever. Simon feels the fabric gradually move up against his skin and that really arouses him.

They go to Bram’s room, kissing. There is no urgency in their embrace like there sometimes is. Everything even feels measured. There is an indubitable appeal to the whole ‘can’t-wait-to-get-you-naked’ vibe, but going slow and taking your time is very sexy too and it definitely sets a mood.

Bram lies on his bed and Simon leisurely explores his chest with lips and tongue, guided by the sounds out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

Then Simon hovers over Bram and asks, “Babe… do you want to…” Okay, he gave a hint more than he asked.

Bram doesn’t get it at first, but he understands what Simon meant the moment he starts to unbuckle his belt. Bram catches Simon’s wrists instantly.

“Simon, wait… are you sure? I mean… It’s not a night in the woods, we just had a fight… Don’t you want to wait? Make it special?”

“I’m pretty sure that what we’re about to do is going to make it special. And… In ten years, I won’t remember the details of the day. I will just remember you and the way you made me feel. I’m here, with you, in a place I’ve always felt comfortable, feeling loved and hot. Isn’t that more perfect than a nice scenery? And the fight… we said we would leave it in the past, didn’t we?”

Bram pulls Simon in for a kiss and lets Simon finish what he was doing.

When they are both naked, Bram asks again: “Are you sure you want this now, Love?”

Bram is looking at Simon with so much love and concern in his eyes that Simon starts to feel weirdly emotional. “I am. Do you want this too?”

“Truthfully, I think I wanted this since I imagined you fantasizing about sex,” Bram says, putting more confidence in his voice than Simon knows he has. It’s almost a joke, but Simon feels like it’s fitting, bringing Jacques and Blue into this. “I love you, Simon.”

“I love you too.” Simon kisses Bram once, softly, before asking: “Are you still fine with… switching positions?”

“I am. Simon, I would try anything with you.”

Keeping the slow pace they have had since leaving the couch, they continue their foreplay for a while, thorough and lingering. Until the tension is such that they can’t wait anymore. Bram is ready and Simon nervously puts the condom on.

It dawns on him that if he is taking the more active role, there is a performance expectation. He knows that Bram wouldn’t put that on him, but Simon puts it on himself. Simon feels like he’s starting to freak out again.

Bram notices and gently takes Simon’s face in his hands, forcing him to make eye-contact. “Hey, Love, it’s fine. It’s just me. It’s us. We can stop if you want to, but don’t let it get inside your head. I love you.”

And just like that, Simon is ready. Having sex is too big of a step and Simon feels like he will never, ever be ready for it. Making love to Bram, however, is natural, beautiful, and there is nothing he wants more right now.

Bram’s entire body tenses when Simon gets in and Simon freezes. “Babe, are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just… give me a sec.”

Simon gives Bram all the time he needs to adjust to the new feeling, kissing his face, his neck, his shoulders. “I’m ready,” Bram whispers. “Make love to me.” Simon loves that they are on a similar train of thoughts.

He starts moving inside of Bram, kissing him. Simon is careful. He doesn’t think he has ever been this careful before. But it doesn’t feel like holding back. The slightest movement inside of Bram feels like he’s discovered the secrets of the universe.

There is also something quite magical about feeling Bram relax in his arms. Getting used to Simon being inside of him, starting to like it, then ostensibly loving it.

After a few minutes, it’s not Simon moving in Bram anymore, it’s the two of them moving together, eyes locked, breath shared. Simon feels entirely connected to Bram right now. Body and soul, quite literally.

When Simon feels like he won’t be able to hold it much longer, he wraps his hand around Bram. Simon comes first, but he keeps moving in and around Bram. It’s a matter of seconds before Bram comes too.

Simon feels so happy and proud. He made love with Bram. He made him come. The moment was beautiful. He knows that he is never going to regret that. The way he felt, physically and emotionally, was even beyond what he hoped for. Simon takes a moment to think that they will always hold a piece of each other after this, just a second before Bram whispers in his ear: “I’m yours forever, now.”

 

“How was it?” Simon asks, nervous as they are lying next to each other, the bedside lamp switched on since the darkness replaced the dying sunlight while they were occupied.

Bram turns his face towards Simon. He is still flushed, a bit sweaty, breathing slightly faster than usual and Simon knows that this image will stay with him forever. “It was the best thing you’ve ever done to me.” Simon feels both happy and proud all over again. They did it. It was good for both of them. He did right by Bram. “And you?”

“I have to take back what I told you once.”

“What was that?”

“Reese’s are _not_ better than sex.” Bram laughs at Simon’s stupid joke and kisses him. “But honestly… it was great. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be and it felt even better. Whenever we tried new things, I always thought that it was nice and that we should definitely do that again from time to time. That was different. I want to do that again. Every time. You know what I mean?”

Bram brushes some of Simon’s hair away from his face. “I do. You know how in silly songs or mushy romance novels they use the saying ‘feeling like they were one’? I always thought it was a silly thing to say that people only used because it was a cliché. I think I understood what they meant by that, and it doesn’t seem so mushy anymore. It feels true.”

Simon is about to reply something when his stomach makes the loudest noise it ever made. Simon is mortified, but Bram bursts out laughing. “Okay, someone is clearly hungry. How about a quick shower and then we order a pizza?”

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

 

Simon enters the bathroom – Bram is using his mother’s. He stops in front of the mirror. Straight under his right collarbone, Bram left a love-bite. Simon dreamily runs his fingers on it. He almost wishes he could keep that trace of tonight forever.

He feels on the top of the world right now.

Simon is looking forward to fall asleep in Bram’s arms. But he also really hopes that Bram is going to be ready for round two before the end of the weekend.

 

 


	27. The first time they celebrated a birthday together

**Bram**

 

Bram is lying in his bed. It’s raining outside, it’s that time of year when the temperatures are dropping, but when you’re this happy, this grey, humid, windy weather isn’t depressing. Actually, all warm under his blanket, Bram finds the sound of the rain on his window soothing.

He is smiling for no reason. More specifically, for no specific reason. He has plenty of reasons to be happy.

Bram is happy for school reasons. The SATs results came in. Bram scored 1480. He knows his father was hoping for 1500, but that was never realistic. Bram was hoping for 1450, so he was over the moon when the results came in. It is within the normal scores for Columbia. Simon got 1230. It is higher than he expected, and he keeps thanking Bram for the study schedule he made for him. It in on the lower band, but it doesn’t close him the doors of UCLA.

Bram is happy for family reasons. More specifically, he is happy that his mother is happy. She smiles more, she goes out more often and she even looks younger. She deserves that. It also helps that Bram likes Phil.

Bram is happy for social reasons. Bram is opening up to people. Other than Garrett and Simon. This year, Bram made it to Garrett’s Halloween party, drank enough alcohol to get a little drunk since Simon was the designated driver, and fell asleep in Simon’s bed, holding hands with Leah as they were talking about being attracted by same-sex people.

Bram is happy because of love. With Simon, they are stronger than ever. Bram feels warm and joyful whenever Simon looks at him. They talk, they laugh, they make plans. Bram also noticed that the uncertainty about what they wanted for college had also been on his mind. Now it’s cleared. And he meant what he told Simon. NYU or UCLA, it won’t matter. They will make it work.

Bram is happy because of sex. He didn’t expect penetrative sex to be that much different from the other things they did before, and yet it is. Bram has a hard time keeping his hands off Simon whenever they are alone or thinking about the next time they can be alone when they are not. It’s like Simon lit a fire under Bram’s skin and it’s not extinguishing. Their first time was great, but the other few times were even better. Just like everything else, they are learning and exploring together.

They still haven’t talked about switching things. It’s still something Bram would want for them – in the future – if only just to return the favor to Simon, but for now, this is enough. For now, it’s perfect.

That’s exactly how Bram falls asleep: thinking about how perfect his life is.

 

Today is a pretty big day. Today, Simon is turning eighteen. There will be a party over the weekend, courtesy of Nick and Leah, but for the actual day, Bram wants to do something special for Simon. After everything that happened recently, the good like the bad, this birthday needs to be epic.

That means that Bram has to avoid Simon all day. That is only possible because Garrett is the best lookout ever.

“So… walk me through today,” Garrett says as they are sitting in an empty classroom at lunch, hiding from Simon. “ I mean, I know that Simon is being kept entertained, I just don’t know the order.”

“Nora, Leah, Nick…”

“Details,” Garrett interrupts.

“Okay. So before school Simon got some birthday cake flavored Oreos from Nora and a note with a clue representing one of his friends. You know, you helped me make them. So then he should have found Leah who should have given him a mug.”

“A mug?”

“Yeah, the other day, Simon’s dad broke his mug and he was very upset because he had matching mugs with Simon’s mom or something, and to cheer him up, Emily broke her own mug on purpose and said that it was too sad if only one survived and that they could always get other matching mugs. Anyway, Simon said that it’s incredible that people can attach strong feelings like love to mundane things like mugs. So mine says ‘Love’ on one side, and ‘B.’ on the other.”

“So the theme of the birthday is sickening love?”

“Pretty much. It’s fine, Leah pretended to be nauseated too when I told her what the gift was.”

“And Leah’s clue leads to Nick?”

“Yes. He is going to give Simon my soccer camp hoodie.”

“Bram, that’s weird.”

“No. it would be weird if it were out of the blue, and it’s not. Simon wears it all the time, yes even since the… Andrew thing… and he keeps giving it back. I tell him to keep it, but he says that it’s warm, soft, that I earned it at camp, and that if he takes it he’s just going to wear it off by putting it on every evening. Which I don’t care, it’s just a hoodie.”

“A hoodie that says ‘Greenfeld rules’ in the back.”

“Yeah, thanks again for changing my name on the list. That was very mature.”

“ _De nada_. So after you got rid of your unwanted piece of clothing, what’s happening?”

“Simon should find Abby. She has an envelope with three hundred and sixty-five pieces of paper. One for each day. They all have a reason why I love Simon.”

“You’re a dork. But just so you know, I want the exact same things for my birthday.”

“I’ll give you a week's worth.”

“Good enough. So then from Abby to me?”

“No. I added an extra step. Simon is supposed to find Cal.”

“Price?”

“How many Cals do you know?”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because they’re friends. Or they were before I made it weird. After the Andrew thing, I told Simon that the Cal thing was in the past and I meant it. I just want to show Simon that it wasn’t just words. Anyway, Cal is getting him eyeliner. I told him that it’s an allusion to the play last year, but it’s a thing between Simon and me, and…”

“And I don’t need to know about your kinks.”

“Shut up.”

“And then from Cal to me?”

“Yes. You’re giving him the certificate.”

“I am. That’s your sappiest gift, by the way.”

“Maybe. And your clue leads him to Adisa.”

“Adisa? How on Earth is he going to find Adisa?”

“Oh, no. Adisa is going to find him. He’s picking Simon at the end of school. I need him to keep Simon busy for an hour or so, and he said that he has the perfect gift for Simon already. Which is crazy since he already replaced my ultimate gift.”

“The restaurant?”

“Yes. I basically told Adisa that I needed time to change and that it would be great if he could drop Simon at the restaurant, but he said that restaurant is a non-birthday activity.”

“That’s an odd theory.”

“Well, it’s Adisa. So you just have to accept that it’s odd, but it’s true.”

“So what did he replace it by?”

“His neighbor left for a six-month trip around the world. He’s renting his flat as an Air-Bnb while he’s away. No one has booked it tonight and Adisa said that as long as it’s clean for Saturday morning, we can use it. I’ll just go tomorrow after school. But he said that I can now cook for Simon and that it’s more personal.”

“You’re getting takeaway, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“So… You… Spier… An empty apartment… Is tonight the night?”

Bram blushes slightly. “No way… NO WAY… How did you dare not tell me that you’re not a maid anymore.”

“Because you would say stuff like that. And you didn’t tell me when you and Leah started doing stuff.”

“That was different. But you know what? I did think that you were perky since the two of you sorted your shit, but I thought that was just because of that. So… how is it?”

“It’s sex, Garrett, I don’t think I’m going to blow your mind if I tell you that it’s good.”

“Don’t be so uptight, Greenfeld. Give me a sentence about your sex life that is going to leave me speechless.”

Bram sees on Garrett’s face that he is convinced that he won’t do it, which is exactly why Bram answers, “You’ve seen Simon dance on stage. You know he can move.”

Garrett’s jaw drops a little but he’s smiling. “Good for you, I guess. Is it too personal to ask you which position you’re playing?”

“I don’t want to commit to anything yet, but so far, I’m playing defense.”

Garrett nods. Bram is happy that he can share that much with his straight friend without making it weird, but he is ready to change the subject now. Which is exactly what Garrett does “I never really understood why people use sports metaphors for sex, and how crazy it is that it could work with any sport. Do you think they do that in every country?”

 

Simon should get here any minute now and Bram is pacing in the apartment. He ordered the food, that should arrive shortly after Simon, he lit some candles, he changed the sheets in the bedroom, and he put some music in the background.

He changed as well, and he is now wearing a shirt and a tie. He feels a bit formal, but he knows Simon will appreciate the effort.

The doorbell finally rings and Bram opens the door on a very smiley Simon who is wearing Bram’s hoodie. “What a surprise,” Simon greets Bram. “My ghost boyfriend!”

“Happy birthday Simon!” Simon walks in and pulls Bram by the tie for a kiss. “Did you have a nice day?”

“There was a serious lack of boyfriend. Even though, he was there in spirit, believe it or not. I got quite a few gifts.”

“Did you like them?”

“I did. In order… The Oreos are already all gone. I love you, but I shared at lunch and you were MIA. The mug is ridiculously cheesy and officially the best thing I have ever owned. I am so glad that I finally officially own this hoodie, but you will still have to wear it, because the best thing about it is that it smells like you. I think we should have shared custody of it. I have not peaked in that envelope yet, but I already know that between the notes that will make me smile, the ones that will make me blush and the ones that will make me cry, it is going to be the most thoughtful gift anyone ever gave me. The eyeliner is really a gift for you, so I will take the real gift for what it is, and I am so glad that we are truly leaving the Cal and Andrew thing behind us. I promise you that if we run into Andrew again, I am fine with us spending time with him too. Because we are really over our past crushes. And then there was that certificate… I can’t believe you named a star after me.”

“It’s easier than you’d think.”

“Stop selling yourself short. It is romantic, and incredible, and a freaking STAR is named after me!”

Bram shrugs. “You’re my star.”

“If Leah were here, she’d be nauseated.”

“So nauseated! When I was brainstorming with Adisa, he said he wanted to be a part of your big day, but he didn’t tell me what he had planned for you.”

“I can’t tell you,” Simon answers with a smile. “You’re underage.”

“Excuse me, what exactly did you do with Adisa?”

“He took me to an adult shop.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“It was far less gross or racy than it sounds. He just basically told me that now that he won’t be in trouble for doing that, he wanted me to be truly informed. I now know all about lubes, water and non-water based, I have the most incredible collection of condoms, and we talked about sex toys. He sort of got me one, but please, can we keep that talk, AND that activity, for way down the line?”

“Sure. Are you getting a drawer of fun as well?”

“Well, now mine is better stocked than yours.”

“So… when you say sex-toy…”

“Bram, please. Let’s not talk sex-toys on that amazing evening you seem to have planned for me. But later on, I’ll definitely tell you all about my new condoms collection. What time do we have to get home?”

“We don’t. Your parents know about it, we are leaving tomorrow morning, straight to school.”

“So… we are unsupervised? All evening?” Simon asks with a mischievous smile.

“Happy birthday,” Bram tells him. He leans to kiss Simon, but the doorbell interrupts them. Food is here.

 

The food is great, and Simon tells Bram all about his day during the meal. They also talk about the party this weekend. Then Simon makes resolutions for the coming year as if it were New Year. But one of those resolutions is to find ways to love Bram even more, so Bram is fine with that.

 

After dinner, Bram asks Simon if he wants to watch a movie. Simon doesn’t. It’s exactly what Bram was thinking about in his bed the other day… It’s that fire under their skins that gets hotter and wilder whenever they are alone.

Bram starts undressing Simon before they even make it to the bedroom. Simon struggles with the tie for a second, but it’s gone before the bedroom as well. Simon’s fingers are undoing the buttons of the shirt one by one as they cross the threshold. “I don’t think we should do this,” Simon says still unbuttoning Bram’s shirt anyway. “I’m eighteen now. Am I ‘statutory raping’ you?”

“The legal age of consent in Georgia is sixteen,” Bram answers.

“Did you know that, or did you look it up?”

“Just accept that I know everything. But if it makes you more comfortable, we can always stop. It’s only two more months until my birthday.”

“I won't be able to make it sixty-two days. I’d rather take my chances with jail.”

Bram laughs and pushes Simon on the bed.

 

Bram always thinks that Simon is beautiful. But there is an extra aura to him when they are making love. Right now, for some reason, Bram is mesmerized by the way Simon’s arm’s muscle move as is keeping himself steady, holding the bed frame with one hand.

“Bram?”

Bram’s eyes immediately move back to Simon’s face. Like every time they’re having sex, his hair is a perfect mess and Bram takes time to run his fingers through them before answering. “Yeah?”

“Babe… Tell me if it gets too much,” Simon says against Bram’s lips. And the entire moment shifts.

There is nothing slow or careful about what Simon is doing to Bram anymore. It is fast, and deep, and maybe even a little rough. One of his hands is grabbing Bram’s thigh hard enough that he feels his fingers press uncomfortably in his muscles. Bram loves everything about it. He loves the way it makes him feel – as much physically as the sense of strength it strangely gives him. He loves the way Simon seems on the verge of losing himself in the moment, but still checking, even non-verbally, with Bram regularly. Bram loves that he’s getting lost in the moment himself. He lost all sense of time and he is making noises that would have killed of embarrassment pre-Blue Bram.

This doesn’t feel like sweet lovemaking. Even though Bram can see all the tenderness in Simon’s eyes, this feels like fucking. Bram feels alive and sexy.

Bram puts his hand on Simon’s neck and he can feel how sweaty he is. Bram is probably in the same state. Sweat is something that always disgusted Bram. He is always first to shower after soccer practice, and he is even reluctant to high five Garrett during a game. In this specific context, however, he truly doesn’t mind it. Quite the opposite. He knows how Simon’s sweaty skin tastes like

Bram feels his orgasm building up, maybe faster than usual considering that Simon hasn’t been touching him, when Simon just stops. Bram is pretty sure that it isn’t because he is finished. “Si?” Bram asks, out of breath.

“Turn around,” Simon answers, equally breathless.

“What?”

“Turn around.”

A hot wave washes over Bram’s body and he obediently lies on his stomach. For a second, he wonders if that’s what Simon meant or if he should get into another position when he feels Simon position himself over him. It takes a few seconds because Simon adds some lube, which is probably for the best, especially if he is going to start pounding Bram again. Which Bram very much hopes so.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Very.”

“Do you want that?”

It’s the first time they’re trying out a new position. They have been nothing but careful so far. Plus, their stamina is not that great yet. Though it’s definitely building up. Apparently, careful is giving way to more exciting encounters. “I do.”

“Tell me if it doesn’t feel right.”

Bram hums and Simon starts kissing his neck before getting back in.

The angle is definitely different and Simon starts slow and gentle. But after a few thrusts, Bram wants more. “Love?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, I want you to do it like before.” Simon immediately picks up the pace. One of his hands slides up to take Bram’s, the other one grabs his hip, his lips still on Bram’s neck. Like this, Bram can’t look at Simon, so he buries his head in the pillows, closes his eyes, and does nothing but feel.

This time, he gets completely lost in the moment. He really hopes that Simon is enjoying this as much as he is – it’s _his_ birthday after all.

Bram doesn’t know who came first, but as Simon’s body collapses on his, it occurs to Bram that it’s the first time he comes without him or Simon having to ‘prompt the ending’. Tonight was definitely a series of discoveries. “That was intense,” Bram comments.

“Sorry,” Simon replies, voice hoarse, “was it too much?”

“Don’t be silly. That was hot.”

“Yes, it was,” Simon agrees, getting rid of the condom. “Those noises you made will stay with me forever.”

“Well, if you ever forget them, you know how to get more,” Bram teases. Simon smiles and kisses him.

“The downside though,” Simon comments, “is that I’m actually exhausted. I hope you didn’t have anything else planned, because I feel like a quick shower, and a nice cuddling session with my boyfriend under the covers before shamelessly falling asleep far too early for a birthday. How do you feel about that?”

“I’m going to lie and pretend that I had loads and other stuff planned for your birthday and that you’re the only reason we didn’t get to do them.”

 

When they get in bed, Simon is wearing the Elliott Smith shirt. As always, it makes Bram feel pleased and important. “It’s really unfair,” Bram whispers as Simon wraps himself around him.

“What is?”

“It’s your birthday, and I’m the happiest one.”

“I really wouldn’t bet on this one.”

 

 


	28. The first time they got drunk together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is completely a filler chapter.  
> But I realized that I was writing two Bram chapters in a row and I needed an extra Simon chapter.  
> Plus, you wanted PDA, so I'm giving you PDA.

**Simon**

 

Simon is not particularly excited about his birthday party. Two reasons for that. The first one is that he isn’t that into parties. He’s been to a few, and he had a good time, but he is still not a party-boy. The second one is that, realistically, nothing is going to top his actual birthday.

Bram truly outdid himself on this one. The gift chase was fun and intriguing, the gifts were thoughtful, including Cal in the day was a proof that they are growing strong, the moment with Adisa was surreal (as always) but great (as always), but even all of that fades away in comparison of the evening with Bram. Everything about that was perfect. Bram looked handsome, the place was great, the food was delicious, they got to spend the entire night together, sleeping in each other’s arms, and the sex was incredibly hot. Like for the first time, they knew what they were doing.

A party can’t beat that.

It’s still going to be nice, and Nick and Leah put effort into it.

 

Simon has been forbidden to help with setting up and he has to wait until Bram picks him up. So he is in the living room, mindlessly playing on his phone when his dad joins him.

“Ready for your party?”

“I am.”

“Do we need to talk about drinking responsibly?”

“No.”

“Great. We’re going to do it anyway.” Simon thinks that, at least, it won’t be as awkward as the sex talk. Then again, it’s his dad, so he still wouldn’t bet on it. “Let’s start by talking about Halloween.”

“I didn’t drink at Halloween.”

“I know. You drove. I would have murdered you with my own hands if I even suspected that you drove your car – or any car – after having a drink. Bram and Leah, however…”

“Dad… everyone drinks in senior year. It’s not a big deal. They were not that drunk.”

“I know. And drinking with your friends can be a very fun experience. If the main point of the evening is being with your friends and not just seeing how fast you can get drunk.”

“It wasn’t like that. And it won’t be tonight either.”

“I’m still going to give you rules.”

“Is one of them ‘no drinking’?”

“No. But you won’t drive or get in a car if the person driving is intoxicated. You will make sure that you drink a lot of water. At least as much as the other drinks. If you start feeling unwell, you stop drinking. If someone is _really_ unwell, you don’t let them sleep it off, you get some help. Even if that means 911. And don’t think that because you feel fine, you’re not drunk or you won’t be soon. Okay?”

“Yes, okay.” That actually sounds very reasonable.

“And no binge-drinking.”

“Dad, I’m not an idiot.”

“No? Does that night out with Nick and Abby ring a bell?” It does. Simon is about to answer something when the doorbell rings. Simon could fall in love with Bram all over again right now.

 

Simon is actually having a lot of fun. The party isn’t too big. It’s mostly just people he knows. The lunch crew, of course, the drama club, including Cal, but thank God Martin isn’t there, some boys from the soccer team, a few classmates, friends from elementary school that Simon hadn’t seen in ages… some of them brought people, but all together, the crowd is big enough to feel like a party but small enough that Simon still feels comfortable.

Simon keeps moving from group to group. It’s a bit weird, being the main person at a party, but it’s also nice. It feels very different from who he was even just a year ago.

At some point, as he is talking to two girls from drama club, he sees Bram and Cal, sitting on Nick’s couch, talking and laughing. He apologizes to the girls and joins them.

“Hi,” he says sitting on the couch too. Bram is sitting between the two other boys.

“Hi Simon,” Cal says softly. “Happy second birthday.”

“Thanks. Are you having fun?”

“Yes, thanks for inviting me.” Simon doesn’t mention that he had nothing to do with the guest list.

“Actually,” Bram says, “Cal and I were talking about you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. He has very funny stories about you. I think I should join the drama club.”

“I think you should too,” Simon agrees.

“He could totally take Martin’s role,” Cal suggests. “We can find something else for Martin.”

They keep talking for a while. It’s very nice, the three of them hanging out together. Then Cal gets called by some girls and leave Bram and Simon alone on the couch.

“Are _you_ having fun?” Bram asks.

“I am.”

Bram pulls Simon in for a quick kiss. “You taste nice,” he comments.

“Yeah, I’ve been drinking something purple. It was very nice.”

Bram laughs. “I hope you didn’t change your mind about crashing here tonight, because I’ve been drinking too and I can’t drive anymore.”

“Since we’re both unable to drive now… How do you feel about getting out of the ‘slightly buzzed’ zone and properly dive into the ‘drunk’ one?”

“I’d love that,” Bram says. “I think Abby started a drinking game over there.

“Knowing her, it’s either truth or dare or never have I ever,” Simon comments.

“It’s probably because of the beers, but I feel ready to spill some secrets.”

 

Abby wasn’t starting either of those games. Or both. Sort of. She was starting the most complicated drinking game Simon had ever heard of. He even thinks that if he was drunker, he wouldn’t have been able to remember the instructions.

She puts a deck of thirty-two cards on the table. You have to pick cards in turn. If Simon recalls properly Abby’s long list of instructions:

  * If you pick a seven, you drink.
  * If you pick an eight, you raise your hands. The last person to do it has to drink.
  * If you pick a nine, all the people of the same gender has to drink.
  * If you pick a ten, you have to find ten words that rhyme with your name or you drink.
  * If you pick a Jack, you share a ‘never have I ever’.
  * If you pick a Queen, you get a truth.
  * If you pick a King, you get a dare.
  * If you pick an Ace, you kiss someone.
  * If your card is red, you have to do it (truths and dares are given by the person on your right).
  * If your card is black, you make someone else do it.



She will totally have to explain that again at some point. But the game gets started. A few more people get drawn in and Abby had to explain the rules three times, which actually helps.

Out of the entire game, there are definitely ten moments that Simon will definitely remember.

 

  1. When someone asks Garrett what his favorite movie is, he answers “Avengers” and Leah blushes and struggles to hide a satisfied smile. Simon is happy to see that even if they didn’t work out, they still look back fondly on what they had.
  2. The boys from the soccer team are dared to end the game shirtless, and Simon is very okay with that idea.
  3. Simon is dared to kiss Garrett. The kiss is fun, because Garrett is not weirded out by the situation, but also because of Bram’s face afterward. Like he saw something that shouldn’t exist.
  4. Bram is also dared to kiss Garrett, and Simon can see on his face that he really is considering it, but in the end, he says it would be way too weird and drinks instead.
  5. Leah makes Garrett confess to Simon that he thinks that Nora is hot. Yes, Simon is definitely going to remember this one. Sisters are off-limit. Especially younger ones.
  6. Bram is asked what his weirdest erogenous zone is and he answers his right hipbone. Simon immediately makes a note to inquire more about that later.
  7. When a girl Simon actually doesn’t know says that she never had sex that good that she ‘forgot even her name’, Simon thinks back on his birthday and drinks. He is more than proud when Bram drinks as well. He notices that both Garrett and Leah drink, but that Nick and Abby don’t. He isn’t sure if that means that they are not having sex, or if the sex isn’t that good. He isn’t sure if he should ask. Later, obviously.
  8. When Toby says that he has never cheated on anyone, not even a kiss, Simon sees Bram’s face fall and his hand raise to reach for his cup. But Simon is quicker and links his fingers through Bram’s instead, making it seem that it’s what Bram wanted to do all along. Simon isn’t doing Bram a favor. He truly doesn’t feel like Bram cheated on him because he let Andrew put his lips on his mouth for a couple of seconds. He tries to tell that to Bram using just his eyes and he thinks that Bram gets it. But he’s also starting to get really drunk, so who knows.
  9. Cal Price is asked if he has a crush on anyone. He does. He gives a name. it’s not Simon. It’s a girl in the hockey team. Finally, there is some spoken proof that he moved on too. Good for him. That makes Simon happy.
  10. When a girl from drama club is asked who the hottest couple in the school is, she answers “Bram and Simon”. Simon has never been prouder in his entire life. She probably only said that because Bram is currently shirtless and she seems to have a hard time not staring, but still.



 

When Simon starts to feel dizzy, he remembers the promise he made his dad and decides to stop drinking. He leans into Bram’s space and asks in his ear: “Do you want to dance with me?”

Bram does.

He puts back his shirt – which, according to Simon, he really didn’t _have to_ – and they join the other people dancing.

But. To any non-drunk person, this probably looks like foreplay more than dancing. They are kissing and some moves are more grinding than dancing. Simon is partially aware of that, but he also knows that this isn’t worse than Toby and his girlfriend an hour ago. People don’t really seem to notice anyway. They are all hormone-driven teenagers in here, and the homophobic bullies from school are obviously not at Simon’s birthday party.

 

When they go to bed on nick’s spare mattress, Abby is already sound asleep in Nick’s bed. Nick is still in the living room where the party is now more a group of drunk teenagers having what they believe to be a philosophical conversation.

They lie facing each other. “Did you have a good evening?” Bram asks.

“The best. Well… second best.”

“Because Leah didn’t allow you to have another birthday cake?”

“There is that. But that’s not why my actual birthday was better.” Bram smiles, obviously proud of himself. “Speaking of,” Simon continues, “your right hipbone?”

“Right there,” Bram answers putting Simon’s thumb on a specific spot between his hipbone and his groin.

“Really?”

“Yes, you created some pavlovian conditioning.”

“What?”

“When you’re kissing down my chest, it’s always the last place you kiss before… kissing me further south.”

“Oh.” Simon didn’t know he had a pattern.

“So now, whenever you touch that place, even with your hands… I don’t know. I think my brain knows what comes next.”

They stop their conversation when Nick walks in.

“Everyone is finally gone or asleep,” he announces taking his shoes off and getting to bed fully dressed. “No funny business, you two.”

“Same for you,” Simon replies.

“She’s asleep. Who do you take me for?” Fair point.

“Goodnight, Babe,” Simon whispers.

“See you in the morning, Love. You know, so we can compare hangovers.”

 

Simon is not really looking forward to that.

 

 


	29. The first time Bram doubted his future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently enjoying my holiday abroad, so I don't really have time to write, and it's all very fragmented. I managed to finish a chapter anyway, I hope it still flows well.  
> AND the story reached the 10k views. I know it's not the most popular story, nor the best, but it feels like such an achievement from here. It's much more than the 50 views I thought I would get when I started all of this!

**Bram**

 

As Bram pulls over in the hotel’s parking lot, he tries to ignore the fact that he is disappointed. Of course, he is happy to see his dad, but he was hoping that this year they could celebrate Hanukkah properly instead of having another Hotel Hanukkah. He hoped he could be with Levi for his first Hanukkah and he even thought he might invite Simon. Share his other faith with him.

But Stacey and Levi are lighting the candles one by one with her family and since it was going to be just his dad coming, it wouldn’t have felt right inviting Simon.

There is always next year.

 

Bram meets his father in the lobby. “Bram! We’re checked in already. Should we go to the room?”

“Yes, sure.”

Like the previous years, they are going to set everything while discussing school, order some room service, light the (fake) candles after sunset, recite the blessings, exchange gifts, have breakfast in the morning and go their separate ways.

 

“So… 1480,” his father says unsurprisingly as he is getting the Menorah out of his bag. “Not bad. Definitely getting you in the race for Columbia. That’s still the goal, right?”

“Definitely! The guidance counsellor is reviewing my personal essay and the application is going the week after the winter break.”

“I’m sure your personal essay is going to stand out more than most.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so. Your profile is atypical.”

“What do you mean?”

“Universities are really big on diversity at the moment. You are an outstanding student, with a really diverse background. It’s everything they are looking for.”

“It’s not at all what’s in my essay. I don’t want to get in because I played specific cards. I want to be a profile they are interested in for what I can bring to the field I’m studying, not because I’m the black Jewish gay kid from Georgia.”

“Did you discuss that with your guidance counsellor? Because it is honourable in principle, but it is Columbia, Bram. You need to play all the cards you have. And overcoming anti-Semitism, racism and homophobia whiles maintaining perfect grades, being a soccer star and attending some literature conferences on your free-time is outstanding.”

“I’d like to think that I am outstanding without the labels.”

“I _would_ like. And discuss it with your advisor. Or send me your essay. I know what universities are looking for. I can give you pointers. Even if that’s not about your diversity background.”

Bram nods. But he knows he won’t. He doesn’t want to get his father involved in his personal essay. Or his mother. It is something he wants to do on his own. And he absolutely doesn’t want to play any cards. Bram wrote an inspired essay about who he is, why he loves literature and the reasons pushing him to seriously want to study it at Columbia. In the essay, Bram put his soul. If that’s not enough, then Columbia isn’t the place for him. Bram knows that he would always have a bitter after taste for being chosen as part of a quota, or so the university could tick some boxes. This is simply not how he wants to achieve things in life.

The room service arrives, naturally ending the conversation. Bram’s father opens his wallet, takes some cash out and leaves it open on the table.

As he is tipping the member of staff, Bram sees, in the open wallet, a picture of his dad and Stacey with Levi. Ram’s first thought is that he hasn’t seen Levi in ages. His face is already so different from last time. He really needs to go to Savannah when he has a break. Or maybe even a weekend? Be an older brother rather than his next of kin.

“It’s a nice picture, isn’t it? Grandma offered us a family portrait for Levi’s first holiday season.”

“Very nice,” Bram answers, something he can’t quite point out bothering him.

“Okay, let’s eat!”

During dinner, Bram’s father says that he is going to try to come and see one of Bram’s soccer game this year. Bram says that it would be great, but he doesn’t let himself hope this time. Not like last year. His dad probably means it, like he meant it the other times. But he didn’t find the time without a baby, how will he find the time now? He still plays along. “And then you’ll meet Garrett.”

“Who?”

“Garrett, he’s… my team captain.”

“Is he good?”

“He is. He might get a scholarship.”

“Is it something you ever considered? Playing soccer at college?”

“No. I’ll play for fun, but I’m not going to join an actual team. I think college will be challenging enough without that kind of stress. Plus I might have to take a part-time job, and there will be the whole long-distance thing with Simon and…”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’?”

“You said long-distance.”

“Simon is applying to a few colleges on the East Coast, but none in New York. And they are not his first choices anyway, so if I make it to any Ivy schools, we probably won’t be in the same state.”

“Bram… is it wise?”

“I thought you would be happy about me not choosing my college depending on my boyfriend,” Bram says properly confused.

“Of course I am, that would have been very stupid. That would have been throwing away your future. But going long-distance… Bram, I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but you should not enter college in a relationship.”

“Dad, Simon isn’t just a fling.”

“I’m sure he isn’t. But… college is a place of study and new experiences. Simon is going to hold you back in both those aspects.”

“No, he’s not. And I…”

“Bram,” his father interrupts, “he already is.”

“What?”

“Look at your SAT results. I am happy that you have a boyfriend and the two of you seem happy together. And I really like Simon, he is a nice kid. But he has been distracting you from school.”

At first, Bram doesn’t understand the feeling growing inside of him. It’s not a pleasant one. It’s… it’s a mix of bitterness and anger, he thinks. He has been avoiding the difficult subjects with his father long enough. He cannot avoid conflict forever. Actually, if he had been more forward before, he wouldn’t be sitting here, feeling like he can’t take anymore.

“Dad… when exactly did I become a stranger to you?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Dad… I am not the kind of person to use the way society sees me to enter college. I am going to be defined by things I don’t think should define me my entire life. I understand that some people might think that because I can’t control that I should make the most of it. But that’s not me. I am not going to play that game. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of all my backgrounds. I just don’t see how they are relevant to me wanting to go to college and being accepted by a great university. The only reason you might think that I should do that is either because you don’t know me, or you think I’m not good enough on my own.”

“Bram…”

“I’m not done. I would have liked for us to spend Hanukkah properly together. With Stacey’s family if that’s what was planned. But I’m not really your family anymore, am I?”

“That’s a ridiculous thing to say.”

“Then why am I not on your family portrait? If it’s from Grandma, it’s not even for Stacey’s family. And you know what? Even if it were, you should still want me to be on it. I know you didn’t shut me out on purpose, you simply didn’t think of me when the word family was mentioned. Do you know that the Spiers asked me if I wanted to be on their family Christmas picture this year? They consider me family more than you. I don’t even want to know if there is a picture of me in that wallet somewhere. I don’t think any answer would satisfy me.”

“Bram… you’re taking this out of proportions.”

“Fine. Then let’s talk about my soccer games. You didn’t show up to even one of them since I moved. Maybe even before that, I didn’t really notice. And that would be fine if you stopped saying you would show. Because now, whenever a season ends, I just feel let down. Even if I knew, I perfectly knew every single time, that you wouldn’t show. And talking about soccer, how disconnected from my life are you that you don’t know who Garrett is? Even Phil knows who he is and asked to meet him. But you of all people should know who he is. When I realised I was gay, the one thing that scared me the most was telling you. That terrified me. I had no idea how you would react, and… I didn’t think I could tell you. Until Garrett convinced me otherwise. Simon and Garrett are the ones that convinced me that it was alright to be who I am.”

Bram’s eyes are starting to water. Not enough to properly form tears, but enough so they both realise how upset he really is.

“I always accepted you, Bram.”

“Yes, you did. That’s something I can’t deny you. You are fine with me being gay. Supportive, even. But you still don’t know who I am as a person. I’m gay and I’m good at school. Everyone knows that. Although not everyone was disappointed by my SAT score. I’m really proud of it even if you think it’s below your standards. Here is the last thing I want you to understand about me. I used to have anxiety attacks. Did you know that? No, of course you didn’t. I don’t anymore. When I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, I talk to Simon and it goes away. It’s magic, really. Simon… Simon isn’t just my high school boyfriend. He makes me better. More confident, happier, more daring, too. He knows and understands me. He didn’t pull my grades down. When I have to work, he gives me all the space I need. But it is true that I spend time with him when I could be studying. Is that what you want? For me to spend every waking moment doing school work. I’m a teenager, Dad. I am going to have fun and spend time with my friends even without Simon. I’m sorry if I am not the perfect student you want, or expect me to be, but that’s who I am. And if I’m being perfectly honest with you, I’m already really proud of what I have achieved in school so far, and if I had to do things again, I wouldn’t change anything that has to do with school.”

“Bram… I never said I wasn’t proud of you.”

“No, but also never said you were.”

“I…”

“Don’t. Whatever you’re going to say now… I don’t want to hear it. It’s… You know what? Let’s discuss it again when I graduate from Columbia as an English major, not as the black Jewish gay kid, my best friend and my boyfriend cheering. Distance or not, those are going to be Garrett and Simon. Simon stays.”

“Bram, I didn’t mean to…”

“You never do,” Bram interrupts again. “Anyway. Have a great holiday season, Dad.”

Bram grabs his bag and leaves the room. His father looks completely downcast, almost destroyed. Bram gets it. It’s hard to face a truth you didn’t realise was there. And Bram knows he probably overreacted to some things. Some others… Some others just needed to be said.

Bram doesn’t know if he would prefer his father to stop him or to let him go, but his father stays silent and Bram doesn’t stop.

 

The next thing he knows, Bram is in front of Simon’s house. It’s late, but all the lights are still on so Bram knocks on the door. Jack opens it, his usual wide happy smile spread on his face. “Bram! Are you here for the Batchelor night?” Then he seems to be able to see that Bram is upset somehow. “Hey, are you okay, Kid?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be with your father tonight?”

“It ended early.”

“I see. If you want to talk about it, I happen to know a lot about fathers who mess up sometimes,” Jack says, surprisingly inciteful.

Bram finally smiles. Simon’s father is sometimes indelicate and he has issues communicating with Simon about his sexuality. But there is no doubt that he loves his son, that he knows what kind of person he is and that he is interested in his life’s son. That’s completely different from Bram’s father’s nonchalant disinterest.

He is very touched, though, that Jack would offer. Bram really needs to see Simon, but he can’t help asking: “Jack… Do you think it will work out for next year?”

“You and Simon? Let’s face it, you can do better. But if you’re sure he’s better than those Ivy Leagues kids, then sure. I mean it’s not like _he_ can do better.” Of course, he would joke about it. But there is a seriousness behind it. Plus, it’s not what Bram meant. Bram doesn’t doubt Simon, not for one minute. He doubts Columbia. Jack doesn’t. “Sorry, you probably need me to be serious right now.”

“No, that’s fine. I honestly needed you to be you. And now I need Simon. If that’s alright.”

“Of course, it is,” Jack answers before shouting towards the living room. “Simon, Babe is here.”

Simon gets out of the living room, a sceptical look on his face that changes to surprise when he sees Bram. Jack leaves them alone and Bram gets in.

“Bram? Why are you here?” Bram doesn’t answer. He simply walks straight to Simon and holds him tight. Simon doesn’t question it and his arms automatically wrap around Bram. “What happened?”

“Just tell me that I’m enough.”

“I can’t lie to you, Bram. You’re not just enough. You’re everything. Come on.” Simon takes Bram by the hand and leads him to his bedroom. They lie in Simon’s bed, spooning.

“Do you remember when we were in that lobby?’" Bram asks.

“I was mad,” Simon answers, knowing exactly to which part of the conversation Bram is referring. “The way I saw you before the Pride and the way I see you now are exactly the same. And the version of you that you see behind your pane of insecurities is not the real you. Nor is the one I saw when I was hurt. I don’t know what happened today to make you feel this way, but I meant it. You’re more than enough, Bram. You’re the best person I know. You are so inspiring that some days, I feel so small compared to you that I don’t know why you chose me out of all the other boys.”

“What if I don’t make it to Columbia?”

“Then you’ll go somewhere else. Look… I’m not trying to undermine your dream. If it doesn’t work out, I know you’ll be disappointed, and I’ll be right there with you through it. But I know you’ll go to a great college, and you’ll end up doing great things.”

“My dad doesn’t think I can get in without playing the gay card.”

“Bram… If you can’t get into Columbia, no one in our year can. We talked about it. There is a difference between talking about your background for what it shows about you and ‘playing the gay card’. But if you feel like your background is irrelevant, don’t bring it up. Regardless of what your dad says. He probably didn’t mean it like that.”

“He asked me who Garrett is.”

“I’m sorry Babe,” Simon says after a pause. “Maybe we should go to Savannah one weekend and take Garrett. So they can meet.”

“I don’t want to go yet.”

“Don’t you want to see Levi? He probably looks different from the last time we went.”

“He does. My dad has a family portrait in his wallet.”

“When did you take that?”

“I’m not on it.”

“Oh. Bram, it’s…”

“Stop defending him. Trust me, the feeling isn’t mutual.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wants me to break up with you before college.”

“We know some people think it’s wiser. He doesn’t know us well enough to know we can’t make it.”

“Exactly. He doesn’t know us. He doesn’t even know me.”

“Bram…”

“Can you just hold me?”

“Sure.”

They stay silent for a moment and Bram let’s go of his bad feelings one by one, feeling safe and loved in his boyfriend’s arms.

“Do you think it’s okay if I stay here tonight?”

“Of course it is.”

“Is it alright if we just sleep?”

“Bram, I know that I am a horny teenager and that you have a _serious_ ass, but not only do I love you for more than your body, I can also read a situation.”

“Sorry, it’s been a long evening.”

“Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about anything. You’ll see. We’ll sleep it off and tomorrow things will look better. Columbia will look within reach again, and you’ll call your dad to sort whatever happened.”

“He should have called by now.”

“He probably called you mom. Hey, Babe, let it go. Your dad loves you. I love you. Columbia will love you. We’re going to go to bed, and I promise you that things won’t look so bad in the morning. Okay?”

Bram turns around and buries his face in Simon’s t-shirt. It’s soft and it smells like Simon. It smells like happiness.

“Love? Would you mind wearing the Elliott Smith T-shirt tonight?”

“Sure.”

 

 


	30. The first time Simon took care of Bram after a soccer game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know it's been a while, but I've struggled ordering the next few chapters, and then I realized the alternation of characters was wrong, and I almost had a meltdown.
> 
> So I now shamelessly give you a filler chapter. :)

**Simon**

 

Simon doesn’t know how to top what Bram did for his birthday. Or even equal it. And yet he has to. Bram’s birthday is coming up and it will be Bram’s golden birthday. He turns eighteen on the eighteenth. Leah is going to make a big deal out of it. She can’t seem more excited than Simon about his boyfriend’s birthday.

Simon started to panic this morning when he opened his daily not which said ‘ _I love you because even now, whenever you look at me with those crazy moon-grey eyes, my heart still skips a beat_ ’, and knew that he wouldn’t be able to do something this sweet and this thoughtful.

Simon knows that in such a moment, there is only one person that can help him. Simon stops Garrett as they are leaving school. “Hey, Garrett, do you have a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“I’m a bit struggling to get something for Bram’s birthday.”

“It’s Bram. Get him a book and he’ll be over the moon.”

“I can’t just give him a book after what he did for my birthday.”

“Bram didn’t really give you things on your birthday. He gave you thoughts and proof of how much he loves you. Just do that.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really need you to figure that much out.”

“Okay, Mr. Gratitude,” Garrett says but with an easy smile on his face. “Look, Bram if you want to outdo Bram, don’t give him something he wants. Give him something he needs.”

“Such as what?”

“We both know what’s in Bram’s head, since when, and why. If you want to be the better boyfriend, you will have to find a way to make that better.”

They stop talking when they see Bram walking their way. Simon thanks Garrett quickly. It was actually the talk he needed. He has a pretty good idea of what he is getting Bram for his birthday now.

“Hi, Babe. How was last period?”

“Long. Are you coming to the game tonight?”

“Of course, I am. Why wouldn’t I?”

“You don’t have to. I know you don’t really like soccer.”

“No. But I love you. And it’s better than knitting.”

Bram grins and Garrett frowns. “You two are weird.”

“You’re just jealous,” Bram comments and Garrett simply smiles.

 

Since they started dating, Simon has been to every single one of Bram’s games. Even when Bram had plans with the team after and they couldn’t see each other. Simon simply wants to be there to support his boyfriend. It doesn’t help that Bram looks extremely hot on the field, calves exposed, face focused, gracefully but quickly moving, generally scoring at least once…No, Simon doesn’t particularly enjoy soccer, but he very much enjoys watching Bram play.

Although Simon did not miss one game, Bram always seems pleasantly surprised when Simon tells him he’s going to come to the next game. Simon learned to enjoy the game to some extent. He wouldn’t watch if Bram wasn’t playing, but he also isn’t bored. Even though he would show up even if he were. He’s only partially joking when he says that he would go to a knitting club with Bram.

Leah couldn’t make it tonight – or perhaps just didn’t want to, it’s sometimes hard to tell – but Abby came. “Your boy is looking hot tonight,” she comments. It surprises Simon because Abby often commented on Bram being adorable, cute or sweet, but never anything with a sexual connotation.

“Excuse me, my boy always looks hot.”

Abby laughs and says: “I can’t believe the way you look at him.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know that feeling when you start dating someone and everything is new and shiny and exciting… That moment you feel it could be forever and it would be easy.”

“I do.”

“You’re still in it, aren’t you?”

“Of course, I am. Not only do I have the perfect boyfriend, we also haven’t been dating that long. We’re still in the honeymoon phase.”

“Simon, it’s been nearly a year.”

“So?”

“So the honeymoon phase doesn’t last that long. Not that intensely anyway. You’re not supposed to still have your eyes go all dreamy whenever someone mentions his name. I mean it’s great that it’s how you feel. It’s a bit like seeing a unicorn.”

A nasty thought crosses Simon’s mind. “Wait… do you think Bram is not feeling like that anymore?”

“Simon, whenever you enter a room, his eyes go soft and a smile appears on his lips. He’s just as happy and in love as you are. You know what? I even have to agree with Leah. Sometimes, the two of you are so sweet that it’s almost sickening.” Simon is one hundred percent sure that it’s not the vocabulary Leah used.

“Should I understand that you and Nick are out of your honeymoon phase?”

Abby looks at the pitch and cheers as Nick gets the ball from the other team. “You don’t need to sound so gloom about it,” she replies. “What comes after the honeymoon phase is not dark and gloom. It’s simply when you see the other person exactly for who they are and decide that you accept them.”

If that’s what being out of the honeymoon phase really is, then Bram and Simon are not in it anymore. They haven’t been since Pride. Maybe even before that. Simon knows that although Bram is smart kind, funny, interesting, curious, handsome, hot, cute… he is also terribly insecure, had issues with confrontation and can let his anxiety get the best of him. And Bram knows that Simon struggles with his own insecurities, that he is terribly oblivious, that he can be impatient, that his moral compass might not be as strong as Bram’s, that he is not as smart or academic and that his sporting abilities are close to those of a sloth. Both their faults list could probably be extended if he took an extra minute to think about it. Simon is however certain that all of Bram’s flaws are so small compared to everything else that Bram is. Simon even feels like he loves Bram for his failings too instead of in spite of them. He thinks – hopes – that Bram feels the same way. Does that mean that their normal relationship is everyone else’s honeymoon phase? Either way, it doesn’t matter. Even if things go a bit downhill, even if they end up being half as happy as they are now, Bram would still be the best thing is Simon’s life.

Simon doesn’t want to tell Abby that, honeymoon phase or not, Bram will always make his heart beat faster. Instead, he asks: “Do you want to talk about the game we played on my birthday?”

Abby doesn’t even pretend she doesn’t understand which part he’s referring to. “Forgetting your name during sex is very extreme, Simon. I’m super happy for you if you lived that, even though that sounds a little scary, but just because I haven’t been there, it doesn’t mean that my sex life is awful.”

“But is it great?” Simon regrets asking that. He is fine discussing Abby’s sex life, but he doesn’t really want to know about Nick’s.

“It’s good. It’s very good. I really enjoy having sex with Nick, and he seems happy enough to have sex with me. It’s just… you know that fire that people describe that you are supposed to feel whenever the other person even brushes you? Of course you do, I’ve seen you drunk-dance with Bram and that was already almost sexual. Well, I don’t think we have that.”

“So are you going to stop dating?”

Abby sighs. “No. I love Nick, I really like spending time with him, he is very sweet, and even if we don’t have that crazy fire, we are attracted to each other and he gives me an orgasm every time, which is probably more than most teenage boys can say. We are happy together. But we’re also not going to take our story with us in college.”

Everyone is different. Simon knows that and he doesn’t judge. Abby and Nick, Leah and Garrett… their relationships are so different from Simon and Bram’s. Simon couldn’t live a story that has an expiration date. He would find every day too painful and he wouldn’t be able to focus on the present. Simon also knows that he couldn’t have slept with Bram if he wasn’t so in love. Actually, even when being so in love, there are still things he can’t do. When he is thinking about it, Simon really wants to try bottoming again, but whenever he and Bram are in the heat of the moment, that possibility stresses him out and he doesn’t want to go there anymore. Plus, he doesn’t want to ask Bram unless he is absolutely sure. He knows that Bram wouldn’t mind, but Simon really doesn’t want to try and fail again. He would feel frustrated and humiliated and Bram lovingly telling him that it doesn’t matter would just make things worse.

“What is it like?” Abby asks, bringing Simon back to the present.

“What is what like?”

“Forgetting your name during sex.”

“It’s… it’s not really like that. It’s not as if I’m constantly checking if I remember my name. But sometimes, there are moments when it’s so intense that everything fades away. It’s just me and Bram, how much I love him and how good what we are doing feels like. And sometimes, those moments get even more intense and I can’t think anymore. I barely even breathe. Even Bram fades away when, and there is nothing but the way he makes me feel. In those moments, there could be an earthquake that I wouldn’t stop. So remembering my name… I don’t think that would be an option.”

“Someone’s having intense climaxes,” Abby comments with a wink. Simon doesn’t reply but that’s not what he meant. Yeah, his climaxes are intense, but he doesn’t always lose himself in those moments only. Actually, when he’s about to come, he expects do be ‘distracted’, but that’s not ever orgasm is that intense, and it’s not the only times he ‘forgets his name’. Simon also sometimes has those outbursts of overwhelming maelstrom of pleasure and feelings leading to a completely blank mind in the middle of the act.

A few people join the game late and sit right behind them, putting a stop to their too-intimate-to-be-discussed-in-public conversation.

 

This was Simon’s favorite type of soccer game. The kind Bram wins. Bram is never sour or moody after losing a game, but he is always in a better mood after winning. They have plans tonight and Simon is looking forward to spending time with a happy Bram.

Toby is the first one out of the changing room. “Hi, Simon. Bram will be a few more minutes, he took a shower.”

“Hi, Toby. Well done out there.”

“Thanks. To be honest, I’m a bit worried about next year. I don’t know if I’m any good if you take Garrett and Bram out of the equation. We’re a pretty good team the three of us.”

“You’re a great trio. But you wouldn’t be if you weren’t all equally good.”

“Aw. Thanks for that. But stop flirting with me, Spier, my heart is already taken,” Toby teases. “Plus, I’m secretly terrified of Bram.”

“Sounds like a missed opportunity,” Simon teases back. Toby laughs and excuses himself when his mother’s car appears on the parking lot. All the boys in the team are friendly with Simon. But Toby always stops to have a conversation; always something deeper than a comment on homework or the weather. That always makes Simon happy to be accepted by Bram’s friends, and that Toby would be comfortable enough with him that they are at a point where they can joke about Bram and Simon being gay without it being awkward or offensive in any way.

Bram gets out a minute or so later and he kisses Simon before he can even congratulate him. They are outside, people could see, but neither of them cares. They are still careful with PDA, but they are extending their comfort zone.

“Well done, Babe.”

“It wasn’t all me.”

“I didn’t really notice anyone else.” It is a shameless compliment but it makes Bram smile and that’s all Simon wanted.

They start walking back to Bram’s car, hand in hand, discussing where they should eat when Simon freezes. “Babe?”

“Yes?”

“Your dad is here.”

Mr. Greenfeld is waiting, leaning on his car, a happy smile on his face. Simon isn’t entirely sure how Bram will react to the surprise. A few weeks ago, he would have been so happy, but now, after Hotel Hanukah, Bram barely mentions his dad and Simon isn’t quite sure where his mind is on the subject.

“Well done Bram,” Mr. Greenfeld says as they reach him. “You’re even better than I remember!”

“That’s because I have three more years of practice,” Bram replies blankly and his father’s smile disappears.

“Bram, I thought this is what you wanted. I’m here.”

Bram nods. “You are, that’s true. You’re here. Why, though, Dad? Because I told you you wouldn’t? Don’t you get that any gesture you make now has no meaning?”

“Bram, I’m trying. I’m here. I understand that it shouldn’t have taken you to ask it of me to do it, but…”

“I didn’t ask you. I simply told you that I didn’t expect you to do it.”

“Bram, there is no need to be unpleasant. Let’s go have dinner, talk about your life, plan your next visit.”

“I have plans with Simon.”

“Bram, it’s fine, we can reschedule,” Simon says softly.

“No need,” Mr. Greenfeld says. “Just join us.”

“Dad, you don’t get it. I’m not hiding behind Simon as an excuse, I am openly telling you that I have plans with Simon and that’s what I want to do.”

“I drove four hours to be here, Bram.”

“And I am sorry about that. I can see that you’re trying, I’m not denying that. I’m just telling you that it’s not what I need.”

“What do you need?”

“Right now, I need to be angry at you. I spend so long feeling hurt and not enough. Now, finally, I am putting myself first and realizing that the state of our relationship isn’t my fault. It is not all on me. You’re my dad. I shouldn’t have to try that hard. You decided to walk out on me and mom for another woman. You decided not to fight for custody. You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to stay with you. Truthfully, it made my life easier, but it still hurt to feel that dismissible. You decided that we should spend holiday celebrations in a hotel halfway between our houses because… I don’t know why actually. Was it just more practical? So now, I’m sorry, you don’t get to decide when I stop being angry. And you don’t get to decide what comes next in my life either. I’m going to go have dinner with the boyfriend you think I should break up with, who believes in me, and who showed up to every single one of my games. I’ll call you when I’m ready to come visit.”

Bram lets go of Simon’s hand and keeps walking to his car. Simon knows that Bram only let go of his hand because he realized Simon would be uncomfortable leaving like that.

“Simon, about what I told Bram about your relationship…”

“I understand,” Simon answers truthfully. “I am not particularly happy about it, but I understand. I hope you understand too that I share Bram’s view on the subject.”

“It is nothing against you. It is the long-distance part of things I fear.”

“I told you. I understand. But this is not your decision to make.”

“I know that. I was just giving him a piece of advice I knew he didn’t want to hear but needed to be said at least once. I’m sorry it backfired, and I’m sorry if it hurt any of you.”

“I don’t think that’s the main reason Bram is upset.”

“I wish he’d talk to me. He doesn’t even answer emails.”

“He will. When he’s ready. I don’t think you’ll get anything positive from him until then. Now excuse me. He’s waiting.”

Simon gets in Bram’s car. Bram doesn’t look at him. Simon puts his hand on his boyfriend’s thigh and Bram lets out a sigh. “Can we please not talk about my dad tonight?”

“Sure. Do you want to call it a night?”

“No. But I don’t really want to go out anymore either. Can we just go to your place? I think I need a bit of the Spier-family-madness.”

“Of course. But just so you know, it’s Bachelor night.”

“I guess I don’t mind numbing my brain tonight.”

 

When they get to Simon’s house, it’s very quiet. The house seems empty, apart from Bieber who seems very excited about seeing people.

There is a note by the door. “My parents went to see a film with Nora. They say they’ll be back with takeout and I should text them if I want something. Should I ask them to bring something for the both of us? Or do you want to eat with your mom?”

“She might be with Phil since I wasn’t going to be here. Are you sure your parents won’t mind?”

“Of course not.”

Simon texts his parents back while going up to his room, Bram following him. “What do you want to do?” Simon asks.

“Take the warmest bath ever,” Bram mumbles, rubbing his shoulders.

“What?”

“Nothing. Practice was just crazy this week and today’s game was intense. I’m just sore all over.”

Simon is so un-sporty that he never even thinks about this sort of thing and Bram is not the kind to complain. “Does it hurt after every game?”

“Only if I did my best.”

“That’s every time.”

“It’s my fault. I always warm up properly but I never stretch.”

“Okay, come here.” Bram sits on the bed and Simon kneels behind him, starting to rub his shoulders and neck. Bram stiffens first and then starts to relax. Simon can feel his knotted muscles under his fingers. Simon can’t help but think that this isn’t just soccer; this is stress as well. “Does it help?” Bram hums. “Let’s get you comfy then. Take your clothes off and lie on the bed.”

Within seconds, Bram is in his underwear, lying on his stomach. Simon straddles him, trying to ignore the feeling of Bram’s ass under him. He runs his fingers down Bram’s back and takes a moment to admire the piece of art that’s his boyfriend’s body. Shape, shades, color, smoothness… even just his back is nothing short from perfection.

Simon really enjoys feeling Bram relax under his fingers, body, and mind. When he hits a knot, Bram winces but then lets out a happy sound as it slowly disappears. Those sounds are really close to moans and Simon has to try really hard to not let them distract him.

He moves further south, now working on his thighs and – oh so great – calves. They are more tender from the game but at least they are not knotted by stress.

“Okay, that’s it,” Bram suddenly says, turning around, and Simon is afraid he did something wrong. But then Bram pulls him by his collar, whispering “Come here,” before kissing him passionately. Even through his jeans, Simon can feel how hard they both already are.

Bram’s fingers slide under Simon’s shirt and… they both freeze when they hear a car in the driveway. Simon whines against Bram’s lips. “If we’re very quiet,” he whispers, “they’ll never know we’re here.”

“You asked them to bring food and our bags are downstairs.”

“Damn your logic. So… rain-check?”

“Definitely!”

 

 


	31. The first time Bram celebrated his Golden Birthday

**Bram**

 

Bram is having another read through his history homework to check for any inattention mistake he might have made when his mother knocks on his door. “Are you still working? It’s a bit late.”

“It’s my fault. I’ve been on Face Time with Simon longer than I should have.” For a second, Bram regrets saying that. He doesn’t think he could take another parent telling him that his relationship is getting in the way of his education.

“I see. Well, make sure you get enough sleep even if that means handing out a piece of homework that’s not entirely up to your standards. What?”

“Nothing, it’s just… aren’t you going to tell me to spend less time with Simon next time?”

“And ask a teenager to choose between school and his boyfriend? That sounds incredibly wise. Besides… you’re always so studious. I’m very proud of you for it. You’re smart enough to understand that this is an incredibly important year for you. You’ve worked very hard to get there. I trust you not to throw that away. Which means that I trust the way you split your time between school and Simon. And all the other things that compose a teenager’s life.”

“Mom… would you be disappointed if I didn’t make it to Columbia?”

“Do you know something I don’t?”

“No. But it’s a possibility.”

“It is. If you can’t go to your dream school, I would be so disappointed. For you. Not by you. Never by you, Baby.”

Bram stands up and walks to his mother to hug her. She hugs him back. She doesn’t ask him what’s wrong. She never does when they’re hugging. She’ll ask later, as usual. Bram is grateful. All he needs right now it to tell his mom that he loves her without actually putting words on it.

“I didn’t actually come to discuss this,” she adds as Bram sits back at his desk. “I want to talk about your birthday.”

“Mom, we talked about this. For Christmas when you said you would pay my flights home for every holiday next year, we agreed it would be my birthday present as well.”

“You insisted more than we agreed, but it was very thoughtful of you. I would still like to do something for your birthday. I don’t know if you remember this, but when you were a child, every single year, as you would make a list of friends you wanted to invite for your birthday, you said that when you would turn eighteen…”

“You should make the list,” Bram finishes. “Because I would be a grown-up then and I should have a grown-up dinner instead of a party.”

“Yes. I know that you might want to have a party and I could stay at Phil’s this weekend. But on the eighteenth, if that’s still something you want, we could have a grown-up dinner.”

Bram likes that idea. Not just the dinner, but doing something that a younger Bram was so desperate to have. And it is so thoughtful of his mother to have remembered it. Would his father? Bram doesn’t want to know. It feels like any answer would annoy him. “Who are you inviting?”

“I was thinking about inviting the Spiers, Garret and his father and Adisa. The adults that you look up to and your closest friends. Plus Nora. But I know you like her.”

“Not Phil?”

“He’s on my maybe list. But I don’t want to push him on you on your birthday.”

That is very considerate of her. That’s his mother. Always putting Bram’s happiness before her own. Or maybe it’s deeper than that. Maybe she hasn’t known how to be happy for quite some time and this is new to her too. “I don’t mind if Phil comes. You seem serious about him and if he is going to become family, he should be at family celebrations.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am. I like Phil.”

“Okay. I have another maybe. Would you like me to invite your father?”

“No.”

“You can’t be mad at him forever, Bram.”

“Not forever. Just… a while longer. Besides, if he says yes, I’d never know if it’s just because we’re fighting or if he would have made the effort anyway.”

“Fine. It’s your decision. So we’ll have dinner. And a party this weekend?”

“About that… Could I have the house on the twenty-fifth instead?”

“Sure. Why?”

“It just works better for me.”

“Then it’s a plan. But no heavy drinking, nobody in my room, no drugs. We’ll discuss rules later.” They can discuss rules if she wants, but Bram doesn’t want the house on that day to have a party.

 

This year’s play, apparently by popular request, is Aladdin. Simon has lines this year. Nothing fancy like Aladdin, Jafar or the genie, but he is the sultan. It is not really a sexy role, but Bram is still mesmerised whenever Simon steps on stage. His presence and confidence are so different from the ones he has on a daily basis, and there is something very sexy about that.

Just like last year, Bram went to every single show. It feels different, though. He is here supporting his boyfriend, not pining for a boy he thought he might have lost, he boy he thought he would never be brave enough to take even if he could be his. Bram almost wants to go back in time and kick himself. Tell himself to stop being so afraid. That Simon is nothing but light. Enough light to wipe away all of Bram’s shadows. That Cal Price is not who would be better for Simon. That it’s fine not to be perfect, everyone has faults, even Simon. Then again, when he thinks like that, Bram also wants to go kick Soccer Camp Bram, Post-Soccer Camp Bram, Night in the Cabin Bram, Pride Bram… And yet every time, Simon forgave him.

Bram remembers standing in front of that Tilt-A-Whirl, thinking that he might not be able to do it, seeing the Elliott Smith shirt and finding the courage he needed. He is grateful for that every day. His life without Simon would simply be miserable and he wouldn’t even realise it.

Or maybe he would and bitterly regret it every single day. Maybe Past Bram did a few things right after all.

After the play, Bram waits for Simon outside the stage exit. Garrett came with Bram to all the shows but not this one. He has plans with Nick and Toby. It’s for the best. Bram and Simon didn’t have time alone together since… since his parents interrupted them. And tonight, Bram’s mother is working late…

“Hi, Babe. You didn’t have to wait for me, you know?”

“I know. I just felt like it. You know, like you after every soccer game.” Simon puts a kiss on Bram’s lips. “Well done tonight, Love. It was great.”

“It wasn’t all me.”

“I didn’t really notice anyone else.”

“Hmm… I’m feeling a sense of déjà-vu.”

“I'm great at writing essay. I know when to use a good quote. On a more serious note… do you have plans tonight?”

“No. And I’ve done all my homework. Are you proud?”

“Very. Do you want to get something to eat at WaHo?”

“Sounds good.”

“And then… I’ve got an empty house tonight… If you want…”

“If I want? Bram, I’m considering skipping dinner.” Bram laughs. It’s always a bit of a surprise that Simon would want him as much as Bram wants Simon, but it’s always a pleasant one.

 

Bram tried to be a polite gentleman, but clothes started being lost very quickly. They didn’t even make it to his bedroom and started attacking each other on the couch that – Bram hopes – should be easy enough to clean afterwards need it be.

They didn’t go straight for the main action though and right now, Bram is hovering over Simon, fingers inside his body, watching his face, eyes closed, expressing pleasure even more than his sounds.

A hot wave washes over Bram’s body and he almost asks Simon if he would be willing to swap things. If he would let Bram top. He doesn’t though. As much as Simon seems to be enjoying this, as much as Bram as sensed Simon on the verge of asking the same things a few times, he knows that he shuts himself off when the possibility becomes real. Maybe he needs Bram to be the one to ask, to give him a gentle push. But maybe that would only make him close himself even more. Like after the cabin. There is an even worse possibility: that Simon would accept just to please Bram even if he’s not ready.

So instead, Bram asks something else he wants. Another way he can take control of what they are doing. He puts his lips just behind Simon’s lips and whispers: “Si, I want to ride you.” Simon seems to enjoy that idea, because it is enough to push him over the edge. Bram knows this won’t go in the way of his plans. They are still in the stage of their sex life when getting aroused again is _not_ a problem.

Simon seems to be in the exact same mindset because his lips are on Bram’s immediately. There is definitely passion in the way Simon is kissing and prepping Bram and there is an impatience in Bram’s guts. He can feel it again. This need to dominate Simon, to make him his that overwhelms him sometimes. It scares him a bit because it is usually driven by something. An argument, Simon mentioning another boy, a feeling of being not enough… Bram knows it’s not entirely healthy, and he is feeling uneasy that this urge now comes from… what exactly? Frustration? As if it wasn’t enough for Simon to be his if he isn’t completely his. Can he repress it? Should they stop? Can he explain to Simon? Maybe it’s alright if what he wants to do isn’t what Simon doesn’t want to do? It’s all getting very confusing.

“Babe, it’s fine.”

“What’s fine?”

“You seem to be freaking out about it. Don’t. I don’t mind.”

“Don’t mind what?” Clearly, Simon is misreading the moment. What is he talking about?

“You think I don’t know your Kinky-Bossy face by now? I don’t mind letting you take control.”

“Simon…” Bram is a bit overwhelmed but for a completely different reason now. Does Simon really know him that well? Can he read Bram like an open book? “Are you sure that’s fine? Should we talk about it?”

“If you want to talk about it, we can. After. Right now, I want you to keep doing things to me.”

“But…”

“Bram, I trust you. You need to trust yourself. If you did something I didn’t enjoy and I asked you to stop, would you?”

“Of course I would!”

“We’re good, then. Now stop holding back and do what you promised.”

So Bram does just that. He completely lets his urge overtake him and pushes Simon back until he is lying on the couch. It’s just wide enough that Bram can straddle him comfortably. He lets his hands run down Simon’s chest making him squirm slightly.

Simon sits slightly up, probably to grab a condom from his bag, but Bram pushes him back down and gently kisses his lips before ordering: “No. You just lie there.” Simon smiles and happily obeys. Bram gets the condom out of Simon’s bag – they still haven’t used nearly half of Adisa’s birthday supply – and the lube that lies on the coffee table. It’s the first time he puts the condom on Simon and Simon’s bright eyes seem mesmerised by it. He lets out a harsh breath when Bram starts slicking him up.

At first, Simon just obeys. He simply lies there. Bram loves being solely in charge of the rhythm, the depth and the shifts of their exchange. He also loves the way Simon is looking at him now. In this instant, Bram believes that he is hot, desirable and good enough. Definitely good enough at what he’s doing anyway; Simon’s gaze is getting blurry, his head falls back on the couch, his mouth falls gently open, letting out raw and lascivious sounds. Bram can quite literally see Simon melt into his own pleasure and he feels on top of the world.

Then Simon gets restless and starts moving inside of Bram, his hands sliding up to grab Bram’s ass and changing their rhythm slightly. Bram is fine with it for two reasons. The main one is that this really isn’t about taking all the control away from Simon, reducing him to an elaborate toy. Bram was turned on by being bossy and Simon let him do that. The urge is tamed now. The second reason is how damn good it feels.

Bram takes Simon’s hand and leads it to his dick and Simon copies his rhythm on Bram’s. With his other hand, Simon grabs Bram’s hipbone and presses his thumb on a specific spot, the same on Bram told him became erogenous. Bram loses it, probably more because of Simon’s cheeky teasing than the action itself, and Simon follows him soon after.

 

They are cuddling on the (wiped) couch, now mainly clothed, both lost in their thoughts when Bram asks, “Are you sure you’re fine with it?”

“Babe, I need context.”

“Those times when I get all dark and dominant during sex.”

“Dark and dominant? Babe, you need to chill out. I would call it intense and bossy. I never see anything dark in you in those moments. And yeah, you take charge in a way, but it’s not like I feel we need a safe word or whatever. I tell you what to do too, sometimes.”

“Yeah, but… I don’t know how to explain it…”

“Bram, I don’t know what’s in your head. But I see the way you look at me. And yeah, it’s… sharper… in those moments, but I still very much feel loved. I almost believe more that you love me in those moments than when you tell me that you do. Listen, if one day you feel like hurting me, or that you wouldn’t be in control of yourself, then yeah, it’s going to be an issue and we will have to call it dark and talk about it. In the meantime, if you are turned on by being in charge, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Most of the time, though, I feel like I need to prove to myself that you’re mine.”

“So? I’m yours, aren’t I? And you’re mine. No?”

“Yes.”

“Then there we go. Keep getting the proofs if you need them. I mean… if that means I get more of _that_ , I’m all in.”

And just like that, thanks to Simon, Bram isn’t afraid of this feeling that he sometimes gets. Maybe it’s alright to not always be in control, even if that’s what he looks for in those moments. Or maybe everything is just better in Simon’s eyes.

Simon seems about to say something else when his alarm starts beeping. Playtime is over, Simon needs to leave before his curfew.

 

 

Bram’s golden birthday finally arrives. Just the fact that it would be called that makes it special and made Bram wait for it more than he waited for a birthday in years. Plus it feels different.

First, eighteen seems like a milestone and Bram likes the symbolism behind it.

There is also the facette that when you turn eighteen, the soccer team gets you a team hoodie that they all sign. Bram has signed a few already and he feels a bit emotional when he receives his.

 

Garrett took him for breakfast at WaHo, like last year, and, just like the previous year, Bram had to make two predictions and two wishes for the year to come. Bram predicts that next year he will have a birthday breakfast with Garrett again and that he and Simon will be growing strong. He wishes that his mom won’t feel lonely when he’s gone and as a last wish – even though Garrett says that it’s cheating – Bram wishes that his predictions will come true.

 

This year also feels special because of Simon. Bram really likes the idea of having a boyfriend to celebrate his birthday with. Especially as Simon was his birthday wish just a year ago.

Bram tells Simon that as they are driving to the Spier’s house after school. Bram’s mom wants Bram out of the way as she finishes setting everything up.

“You wished for _me_?”

“I did.”

“Babe, that was a waste of a wish.”

“From where I stand, it worked quite well.”

“Not only you could have had me without that wish, but also if you’re going to wish for someone, aim as high as you can.”

“I don’t think there’s anyone above you, Love.”

“You’re lucky Leah’s not here,” Simon says but he is smiling, obviously very pleased.

 

As soon as they get to his house, Simon takes Bram to his room. “I’d like to give you your present before we go for that fancy dinner that only you could have wished for as a child.”

“It won’t be fancy. It will just be…”

“Serious,” Simon finishes. “Just like you.”

“I’m not always serious.”

“Babe, I know there is more to you than that, but why are you trying to defend yourself? What’s wrong with being serious? Serious doesn’t have to be a synonym of boring. You are a deep, sexy, driven kind of serious. And there is nothing boring about you.” Bram shrugs. He’s been teased so many times for being the studious, serious one, that he never expects people to not find it weird. But then again, Simon isn’t ‘people’. “Okay, ready for your gift?”

“I am,” Bram answers happily. Who isn’t ready for gifts?

“Okay, so… it’s not really a gift. It’s a series of gift that is a metaphor for something bigger.”

“Sounds… intriguing.”

“Yeah, well, because I’m always less clear in real life than in my head, I am going to tell you the metaphor before the gifts so you don’t miss the point.”

Bram laughs. “Fine. What are all those mysterious gifts supposed to tell me?”

“That next year is going to be fine.” The answer takes Bram by surprise. He did not expect that theme, but it would be a lie to say that next year isn’t a worry for Bram at the moment and that it is probably only going to get worse from now on. For a fraction of a second, Bram has the silly hope that Simon is actually going to make things better, to make his anxiety go away.

“Just so you know, I didn’t have time to wrap anything. Well… I had the time, I just got lazy.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Simon gets a large carrier bag out of his cupboard. “Alright… in no particular order…” and he just picks something from the bag. “Oh, that’s a good one to start. But they go with something else later.” Simon hands over to Bram a mug and a water bottle with the Columbia logo. “I know you’re nervous about it, especially with your interview coming up, but I have no doubt you will make it. I thought about this one, because if you don’t get it, it turns into a cruel gift. But I’m calling it right now. If you don’t get into Columbia, it will be because you will have turned them down.”

“Simon, I…”

“No. you’re not allowed to sell yourself short today. Wait a minute, let me find the gift that goes with this.” Simon gets out a tub of his favourite powdered hot chocolate. “Babe, I know you. There are going to be times next year when you’ll feel stressed, sad, or lonely. And I won’t be there for you. But I also know that your mom makes you hot chocolate when you’re upset. This probably won’t be as good, but I just hope that it will make you feel better and that you’ll remember that some people love and support you, even if they’re not there.”

Apparently, it wasn’t such a silly hope. Bram doesn’t know what else is in that bag, but Simon is already making next year feel safe and bearable. Bram would like to say something, thank Simon already, but Simon is barely paying attention to him, already scavenging in the bag again.

“Alright. This one is weird. Please bear with me.” Simon hands out to Bram a book. It’s Harry Potter. In Spanish. “You know how I got you that British English version, and you got me the French one?”

“I do.”

“Well, I saw this one in a charity shop and… I don’t know, it made me think of you, and I just thought… whenever we find it in a new language, we should give it to the other. Is it silly?”

“No. It would be a nice tradition. I like books, you like Harry Potter, and it’s a fun collection to have.”

“Also, and I know it’s cheesy, but… We would both have some of the books. And the collection could only be complete the day we move in together.” Simon blushes, visibly embarrassed. “Not that it would be soon, but…”

Bram takes Simon’s hand. “Those four years will fly by, Love. And then it will be you and me.” Bram doesn’t objectively know if they will make it past college, but he truly believes it right now.

Simon relaxes, smiles, and gets his hand back to pick something else from his Mary Poppins bag. He blushes again. “So… as you said it’s four years. And as I said, I won’t be there. We talked about being exclusive and not seeing other people. Do you still want that?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good. Me too. But I also think that there will be some… lonely time. So I… there you go.” Simon gives Bram a picture. Of a very naked Simon, lying in his bed, looking like he’s waiting for Bram to join him and out his hands all over him. It’s very sexy.

“This doesn’t look like a selfie. Who took this?”

“No one. I would have died of embarrassment. I used the timer. Anyway, I know we can just send each other pictures, but I thought… Having the object is just a bit more meaningful. It’s weird, I don’t even look good on it, and…”

“Simon, stop rambling. This looks very hot and it might be my favourite gift so far.” Simon, bless him, blushes again but looks happy.

Simon gets some massage oil from the bag. “The other day, you said that you wished I would take care of your sore body after every soccer game. This is a promise that I will come and visit you at least once next year, cheer at a soccer game, even if it’s just in a park, and then take care of you just like that. Even if we end up with a continent between us, we won’t just meet halfway all the time. I’ll come and share some of your life with you.”

It’s getting a bit hard to breathe. Bram’s throat feels a bit tight. Simon is wrong. Wishing for him wasn’t a waste of a wish. Bram would wish, pray, beg for Simon every day if that meant a better chance of keeping him as a boyfriend.

“And finally, here is your real gift.”

“My real gift. So what was all of this?”

“I told you. A metaphor. But here. Babe, I know next year will be hard with school and being away from our families, saying goodbye to a lot of friends… There is one thing that I don’t want you to worry about, though. That’s us. You won’t lose me. If Jacques and Blue made it, it’s not a few months without being able to touch each other that will make a difference.”

Bram opens the envelope that Simon just gave him. It’s a hotel reservation in Atlanta nearly a year away. “Simon, what’s this?”

“I had a look. That’s the first time we’ll come home, for Thanksgiving. I thought we shouldn’t get home immediately. I thought we should meet there, away from our family, and get one night, just you and me. Hug, kiss, have amazing sex, talk like we can’t really do on the phone, sleep in each other’s arms… be a bit selfish and take that time for us before we have to share each other. Obviously we don’t have to if you’d rather not, you might want to see your mom immediately, but…”

“No, don’t be silly. That’s perfect. I want exactly that. I can’t know for sure yet, but I feel like this is exactly what I’ll need then. Simon, I… how are you so perfect?”

“What?”

“All those gifts… they are incredible and perfect on their own, but the ‘metaphor’ that goes with them… I really needed that. Especially after everything that happened with my dad. You’re perfect.”

“I’m not. I just try my best.”

“And your best truly is incredible. Also… you love me.”

“Hum… I do, but… that’s an odd statement…”

“I know. It’s the time I should say that I love you, and I do. So much. You have no idea. But right now, more than my love for you, it’s your love for me that I feel, and it’s a bit overwhelming. I feel so lucky that you chose me. That you love me.”

“Of course I love you. I love you more.”

“I can’t argue with that today.”

Bram carefully puts his precious gifts aside and kisses Simon. Deep, slow, sweet and loving. It doesn’t turn sexual. This isn’t about that. This is about love and gratitude.

They keep making out until Simon’s mother calls them from downstairs, telling them it’s time to go.

 

Bram’s mom really knows him, and it shows in all the details tonight. She cooked his favourite food, put on his favourite music in the background, used his favourite decoration, and, as planned, invited his favourite people.

When Bram arrives with the Spier, Phil is talking with Garrett’s dad about basketball. Bram doesn’t spend that much time with Garrett’s father anymore, but he was an important figure in Bram’s life when he was still coping with his parent’s divorce, moving to a new town, starting to admit to himself that he was gay… He took Bram to every activity he used to do only with Garrett. Hawks games, Sunday steakhouse when Bram’s mother was working weekend shifts, camping excursions once or twice… Bram is happy that he’s there to celebrate his birthday.

Bram barely said hello when his mother pulls him aside. “Honey, I did something that I’m not sure you’d want but that I think is important.” Bram frowns. It’s not like his mother to make decisions for him. Even before taking the job in Atlanta, she asked him if he would be fine moving. “I know you didn’t want your father to be here, but I took the liberty to add another maybe to the list.”

She takes him to the kitchen. There, sitting at the table, trying to feed a very distracted Levi, is Stacey. She stops what she’s doing when she sees Bram, apparently nervous about his reaction.

Bram is touched by both the women in the room. Mainly by his mother who invited a woman she is supposed to despise. Bram isn’t sure if his father cheated on his mom with Stacey but he clearly left the first one for the latter. Yet there is no hostility in his mother’s behaviour, nor has there ever been. She rises above it all incredibly gracefully. Bram would probably feel like beating up any guy who would try to take Simon from him. Even if she doesn’t hate Stacey, his mother is still probably not her biggest fan either. Yet she invited her, to make sure that Bram doesn’t cut himself from this side of his family. Bram is also touched and impressed by Stacey who came all this way for him, with Levi, to be part of his big day, when it must be very awkward for her to be here, in the house of her husband’s ex-wife, with no one she knows around.

Bram’s mother leaves the two of them alone. “Bram if you want me to go, I’ll go. I don’t want to impose on your special day. I can even leave Levi and pick him up in an hour or two if you want.”

“Don’t be silly. You came all this way. Thank you.”

“Of course, I came. You’re family.”

“Sort of.”

“No, not sort of. Bram, you Dad told me about your fight and I tried my best to stay out of it. He even asked me to tell you things today and I won’t. He can talk to you when you’re ready. What I can tell you is that you are welcome to celebrate Hanukah with us any year. With Simon. I think your dad just wanted the two of you to share something that would be just for the two of you. I know it’s just one of the issues and tonight isn’t the time to discuss it. But… we’ll sort this out. I promise you.” Bram doesn’t know how to answer that, and Stacey seems to pick on it so she changes the subject: “I met Garrett. He’s quite something.”

Bram smiles and sits next to her. “That’s the best way to describe Garrett.” He takes the food and starts feeding Levi. The baby, who was quite fidgety a moment ago, settles down and accepts everything that Bram gives him.

“How do you do that? Honestly, did you hypnotise my baby at some point? I’m not judging, I’m just asking.”

Bram just smiles shyly. “We just get along.”

“You do. I told you. You’re family. You’re his big brother. Don’t let any resentment with your father take that from any of you.”

 

Stacey puts Levi to bed while Bram joins the party. Adisa arrived in the meantime wearing a grey suit that seems to come from a film noir from the fifties, with the vest, the suspenders, the hat… His beard his dyed in shimmering silver and he is wearing cyan eyeliner. He’s looking as vibrant as ever. The world needs a few more Adisas.

Bram is very happy to see Simon’s dad in the middle of a conversation with Adisa. He knows Simon was nervous about the two of them meeting. Simon would have felt very let down if his father ended up being weird or judgemental about Adisa.

“Where were you when I was a teenager messing up all the time?” Bram overhears Simon’s dad ask. “I would have needed one of you in my life.”

“I was making mistakes of my own,” Adisa answers. “Sharpening my knowledge to guide the next generation.”

“Well, thanks for that. And thanks for being there for my boy when I’m not up to the task.”

“It’s harder when it’s our own children.”

“Oh, Simon never mention you have children.”

“I don’t. Not anymore.”

Bram freezes and so does Mr Spier. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“Don’t be sad my friend. It’s neither a pain I need to share, nor a time to be sad. Let’s go celebrate Puppy’s reaching an arbitrarily important age.”

Bram walks away before hearing Jack’s reply. He probably shouldn’t have heard that part either. He never even considered the possibility that happy, vibrant, protective Adisa would have such a dark pain in his heart.

Or maybe that pain is part of what makes him that specifically exceptional.

 

Dinner goes incredibly well. Bram realises that all these people present are his family. In his heart if not by blood. Bram asked his mother to specify no gift, but everyone brought something anyway.  Jack and Emily got him books. Phil brought him a cinema card with 10 tickets on it. He apologises for the fact that the gift is a little generic, but Bram tells him that it’s very thoughtful and generous. Which it is. He can use it to go out with Garrett and the team, for a date with Simon… Plus he can tell that it’s from Phil and not his mom and Bram is glad to think that Phil put some thought into it. Adisa didn’t bring anything but tells Bram that he will take him to dinner soon and have a chat, like he did with Simon after the Pride. Stacey got him a gift card for a furniture store to be able to furnish his dorm next fall. This is clearly from his dad and as neutral as ever. But it’s still a nice gesture, it’s very generous and Bram doesn’t want to be bitter today.

 

By the end of the evening, Bram feels loved, grateful, grown-up and happy. He stops Simon as he is about to get his coat. “Hey, Love… Can you please save your evening for the twenty-fifth?”

“Sure, why?”

“I’d like to do something special with you. My mom even agreed to leave us the house. Even though I’m pretty sure she still thinks I’m having a party.”

“That sounds amazing, but why the twenty-fifth?”

Honestly. He’s so oblivious that Bram could get offended if it wasn’t so endearing. Should he let him work it out on his own? He probably should. Just wait and see when the lightbulb moment happens.

“No reason. Just humour me.”

“I don’t need a reason to spend tie with you. Unsupervised time even less so.”

“So I’ll see you then?”

“Babe, you’ll see me before that in school.”

“Yes, I know that. But you won’t forget for the twenty-fifth?”

“Bram, it’s a week away. I’m not that ditsy.”

In this context, Bram wouldn’t bet on that.

 

 


	32. The first time they celebrated their anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took 32 chapters to cover one year. Remember when I told you this story would never end?
> 
> Also, and this is very unlike me, there is a reference to the film in this chapter. So everyone can be happy! :)

**Simon**

 

Simon doesn’t really understand why Bram wants to do something on the twenty-fifth instead of the twenty-seventh. Because it’s a weekend rather than a weekday? Simon still wished they’d celebrate their anniversary on the right day. Or maybe he has a surprise that can’t be done on another day? Or that has nothing to do with their anniversary, in which case Bram hasn’t mentioned it. Has he forgotten? Is he not an anniversary person? That would surprise Simon. Does Bram expect Simon to be the one planning something?

But even if it is a bit confusing, Simon doesn’t really mind. It’s an evening with Bram. More than that, it’s an evening with Bram with an empty house in the end. Simon is looking forward to spending time with his boyfriend – even though Bram still refuses to tell him where they are going – he is looking forward to the sex part that they both know is going to happen, but he is also looking forward to falling asleep and waking up with Bram. It’s been a while and Simon loves falling asleep either listening to Bram’s heart or feeling the weight of Bram’s head on his shoulder.

 

It all falls into place when he is waiting with Abby for her bus. “Are you going to the carnival again this year?”

“I’m not sure, I have plans with Bram.” Simon feels like an idiot the moment he says it. Of course. That’s what they’ll be doing. In Bram’s head, their anniversary isn’t that rainy day they kissed and decided to officially be boyfriends in the parking lot of a supermarket. To Bram, they became real when Jacques and Blue became Bram and Simon.

“I thought you would go with him. He’s the guy you were looking for last year, isn’t he?”

“He is. You’re right, we’re probably going to go there.”

“So is that your anniversary?”

“It is. One year. It’s crazy, right?”

“I don’t know. I never would have pictured the two of you as a thing before it happened, but now I can’t picture any of you with anyone else. When you talk about the other one, it’s always with so much love, tenderness, and respect. If someone told me now that you’re endgame, I would have no problem believing it.”

“Neither would I,” Simon replies. It’s almost wishful thinking. As if by saying it enough, it would be all it takes to make sure Bram never leaves him.

 

That evening, as Simon goes to bed, he feels light and happy. His perfect boyfriend chose a better anniversary for them than Simon initially did, going for meaningful and poetic instead of purely factual, and he planned a nice evening for the two of them.

Then Simon opens his eyes, suddenly perfectly awake. The carnival is tomorrow and he doesn’t have a gift. Are they supposed to get each other something on their anniversary? Is Simon the worst boyfriend?

 

“Simon, Bram is here,” his dad calls from downstairs. Simon grabs his overnight bag and meets his boyfriend in the living room. He is talking British soccer with Simon’s dad and Simon doesn’t even pretend to be interested. Is it sad that he’s not trying to impress his boyfriend anymore?

“Dad, stop monopolizing my boyfriend.”

“Simon, start sharing your boyfriend,” Jack answers back.

Bram chuckles and says, “I believe Simon has a point. We need to get going. But maybe we can watch the game next weekend?”

“That sounds great,” Jack says with a happy smile. “Simon, we’ll order your favorites so you don’t hate the evening too much.”

Simon smiles too. He is happy that his father has someone to watch the games with. It must have been a bit lonely to not have anyone in his family to share his interest with. Simon doesn’t think that his father is disappointed in him because of it anymore. Lately, he’s been able to focus more on all the times his dad does things right and the times he really tries too, rather than the times he messed up.

“Where are the two of you going?”

“The carnival,” Simon replies and Bram smiles as if he was saying ‘finally’.

“Cool. Have fun, don’t get home too late, drive safe.”

The boys promise, and off they go.

 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that this is where we’re going,” Simon says as they are getting out of the car.

“I sort of love your oblivious side, but it also baffles me sometimes.”

“It’s just… I would have put our anniversary in two days, you know? When we actually kissed and decided to be boyfriends.”

“That makes more sense. That can be our anniversary. I just wanted to celebrate the day I was able to leave all my fears behind and jump in that hellish ride to get the boy I was falling for.”

“You know that night… holding your hand felt like such a release. Blue was finally, finally there, he was Cute Bram Greenfeld, he came for me, he was even letting me hold his hand even if he wasn’t properly out, and… that feeling. That’s what I want to celebrate more than our first kiss, even if that was awesome too. I think you’re right. This should be our anniversary.”

Bram grabs Simon by the coat, pushes him against the car and kisses him passionately. They don’t care if they’re in public, they don’t care if it’s the most PDA they had in an ‘unsafe’ environment. They only focus on being in love and on reminiscing how different everything was just twelve months ago.

The way Simon saw Bram then and the way he sees him now are completely different. Some part of him sort of misses Blue and Cute Bram Greenfeld from lunch. But for the most part, he is so thankful for the real Bram.

 

The carnival isn’t particularly romantic. Partly because they keep bumping into friends and it feels like a school gathering more than a date. Yet this is exactly where Simon wants to be right now.

At some point, they end up in front of the Tilt-A-Whirl and Bram stops. “Okay, if you want to relieve this moment, we really should do this before I get anything to eat.”

Bram looks almost green already. Simon squeezes his hand. “We don’t have to do this, Babe. Really. I don’t even particularly enjoy that ride. Going in there last year was pretty much me giving up hope on you showing up.”

Bram squeezes his hand back. “So if we don’t go in there, it won’t take away any magic from the evening?”

“No. We can find another ride to be our thing. Something that doesn’t spin as much. Or in a less disorganized way. Like the Ferris Wheel. That’s like a safe Tilt-A-Whirl, right?”

Bram smiles. “I guess. I would definitely go on the Ferris Wheel with you.”

“And kiss me at the top?”

“And kiss you at the top!”

 

They get some junk food to eat and sit on a bench, looking at the people walking around. They try to guess who is on a first date and if the date is going to end with a kiss. Bram points out that theirs didn’t. he has a point, but Simon replies that they weren’t on a date.

They then decide to go on the Ferris Wheel before heading home. It’s cold and Simon really wants to snuggle against his boyfriend. And then more.

On their way there though, they stop at a fortune teller’s stand. The sign says that she can predict how long a relationship is going to last. Just for fun, they decide to have a go.

“Good evening boys. You look like you’re on a date.”

“We are,” Bram confirms.

“Are you two in love?”

“We are,” he confirms.

“Would you like to know for how long?”

“We would love to.”

“I must tell you though that I don’t lie. I will tell you what I see whether it is good or bad news.”

They both sit down in front of her and she starts inspecting both their hands. “You have interesting love lines,” she claims. “And they look very similar, I must say. It seems that you fell in love before knowing each other. And look here. You are linked by fate. Look how long the line is. You will love each other forever.” Simon can’t help but smile. “However, you won’t stay together forever. Life will get in the way.” Simon doesn’t smile anymore. He knows it’s probably the same speech she gives everyone, but it’s still not what he needs to hear. And it’s really not what Bram needs to hear. “Two years.”

“Sorry?”

“You have two years left before life throws you on different paths.”

 

“What do you think about what the psychic said?” Simon asks as they sit on the Ferris Wheel.

“She isn’t a psychic. She is a regular woman that can read people very well. As in body language, not their future.”

“She knew we fell in love before knowing who the other one was.”

“It’s not how she phrased it. Everyone falls in love before truly knowing the other one. Don’t let her get into your head.” Thank God Bram is the reasonable one now. “You know what? Let’s come back in three years to show her how happy we are.”

Simon leans in and, just like that, they kiss at the top of the Ferris Wheel.

 

 

They enter Bram’s room and as soon as the door shuts, there is this tension between them. Simon doesn’t know if he should keep talking to Bram, ignoring what he knows they are both feeling, or if it would be alright to just attack his boyfriend right now.

Bram takes him out of his misery by pulling him for a kiss. Time isn’t an issue tonight, so things are moving slowly. Kisses are deep and clothes are taken out gently. By the time they are naked, Simon feels like his skin is on fire everywhere Bram touched him. Which is pretty much everywhere.

“This is so much better than a party,” Bram whispers in Simon’s neck and Simon can’t argue with that.

Bram is sitting up on his bed, Simon on his lap, legs wrapped around Bram, chests pressed together. “I love you Bram”

“I love you more.”

“That’s not a thing.” Right now, Simon truly feels like Bram can’t love him more. He looks at Bram and he feels so happy and privileged that Bram lets him love him. That he loves him back. He wants to find the words t tell him that. He wants to be able to show him that.

And with that thought, something clicks in Simon’s head.

“Do you remember your birthday?” Bram asks.

“I do.”

“I want you to fuck me just like that again.” A hot wave washes over Simon’s body. Bram asking for what he wants, Bram not hiding behind half words, Bram telling Simon that he did something worth repeating… all of that is incredibly sexy.  And yet…

“Bram… I really want to do whatever you want to do, especially if you’re asking for it, but… I had another idea.”

Bram brushes Simon’s hair back. “Like what?”

“Like this,” Simon answers looking down. “But even closer.”

It takes a couple of seconds to Bram to properly understand what Simon is saying.

“Are you sure, Love?”

“I’m sure. I _really_ want this. But it doesn’t have to be now, we can do what you want instead…”

“No,” Bram interrupts. “I like your idea better. I want that too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! God, Si… Are you sure?”

“Stop asking.” Simon kisses Bram again and starts moving against him, ever so slightly, just to tease him, to show him that he means it. Bram moans against Simon’s lips and his hands grip Simon tighter, one on the nape of his neck, one on his ass cheek. Then he lets go of Simon to grab the supplies and looks into Simon’s eye. Probably looking for some sign that Simon might have changed his mind. He didn’t.

“Bram…” Simon whimpers and Bram finally gets a finger in Simon. It’s a bit different in this position, but it’s still good. It’s very good. It’s always good. Simon knows that Bram was right. The issue was not bottoming itself, it was in his head. Perhaps he wasn’t ready. Perhaps he overthought things. Right now, he knows he wants it. And he feels empowered, in this position, being the one that will decide what to give rather than letting Bram take it.

When Bram is done getting ready, Simon positions himself and slowly slides on Bram. Oddly, maybe because of all the fingering that happened since, maybe because he is better prepared physically and mentally, Simon doesn’t feel any of the discomfort he did in the cabin. It’s still different from fingers, but it’s good.

Simon starts moving, slowly, testing this new range of sensations.

He looks at Bram and the way he looks at him completely overwhelms Simon. It’s almost too much. In Bram’s eyes, he can read love, lust, care, attention, joy… He feels precious and valued. Bram seems to pick on the sudden shift in Simon’s mood. “Love, are you alright? Do you need anything?”

“I love you, Bram.”

“I…”

“Just kiss me.” And Bram does. As Simon moves on his boyfriend, Bram stays still, letting Simon be in charge of everything. His hands and lips, however, are all over Simon. On his lips, face, neck, shoulders, arms, chest, back, legs… Simon is touched, caressed, kissed, licked, sometimes almost bitten. And Bram is making those noises that Simon worships.

Simon tilts his head back, eyes half-closed, and he shivers when Bram says: “God, Simon, you’re so beautiful!”

“Bram… move with me…”

Bram’s arms fall on Simon’s lower back, holding him steady and he starts thrusting up in Simon. The first time they had sex, Bram told Simon that it was the best thing Simon ever did to him. Simon understands now. It is an incredible sensation to have Bram move inside of him, taking and giving at the same time. Physically and emotionally.

Their position might not be the easiest one to navigate, but Simon loves the way they are entangled, how close he is from Bram – in every way – and their slow, careful quiet rhythm still evolves into something more passionate.

Simon slides down just as Bram thrusts up, and Bram goes deeper than he’s ever been before. Simon’s entire body tenses as he lets out what sounds like scream and Bram freezes, looking worried, misreading the moment.

“No, please, don’t stop.” There is almost a begging tone in Simon’s voice. He doesn’t care. He’d beg Bram for more of this.

But Bram apparently doesn’t need begging. Apparently, he wants this just as much as Simon does. When they start moving together again, it’s just as deep as it was before Bram paused and Simon's senses are overwhelmed. It’s nearly too much, but it’s also so good.

One of Bram’s arm is still firmly wrapped around Simon’s lower back but his other hand slides to grab Simon’s thigh, so close to his groin. Bram’s fingers are deep in Simon’s muscle and in any other situation, it would be uncomfortable. Right now though, Simon feels like it’s the only thing anchoring him in reality, keeping him from getting forever lost in this moment. Bram buries his face in Simon’s neck, moaning and panting, and Simon lets his head rest in Bram’s hair, his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders. It’s like Bram’s smell is completely enveloping Simon, making him dizzy in the best possible way. Simon doesn’t really understand how they can be hugging so tight and moving so freely at the same time. He doesn’t need to understand. His body appears to know what it’s doing.

The sound that Bram makes as he comes will haunt Simon for a long time. It’s a sound he’s never heard before. It’s the sound of someone who isn’t holding back and Simon loves it.

They stay like this for a moment, catching their breath, looking at each other, smiling quietly. They both embrace the moment for what it is. One year. Growing strong and happy. Simon getting over whatever was keeping him from truly letting go when he was with Bram. Now more than ever, Simon looks at Bram and sees forever. People say that love fades away with time, but even a faded version of what Simon is feeling in this instant would be pretty epic. Two years. What a ridiculous prospect. He has enough love in his heart to last two decades.

“How was it?” Bram whispers, some insecurity oozing through his voice.

“Like the best thing you ever did to me,” Simon answers. Bram’s smile could melt Simon’s heart if it didn’t already entirely belong to Bram. “And me? Was I okay?”

“Love, are you kidding me? You were hot and confident and the way you moved… It was so good that I turned into a jerk and I totally put myself first. I don’t even know if I took you where you needed to go.”

To be honest, the journey itself was so great that Simon completely forgot about the destination. He couldn’t really tell if he came or not. He was constantly so overwhelmed physically and mentally. This was definitely name-forgetting-sex. Simon feels completely contented right now, he doesn’t want more. “You were perfect,” Simon truthfully answers.

“Love… I know I should have asked that _before_ we did anything but the idea honestly didn’t cross my mind.”

“What is it?”

“Did you do this because of the date? Or to please me?”

“I certainly hope it pleased you, and I kind of love that it happened today. But no, it wasn’t why. I did this because I wanted to know what it felt like. I was sitting on top of you, feeling your boner against me, and I just really wanted to have you inside of me. I felt ready.”

Bram’s shoulders relax a little. Simon knows he would have been devastated if Simon had told him that he had forced himself, even just a little bit. He can honestly say that he didn’t.

 

“So… was that a one-time thing or is it a new entry in the things we do together?” Bram asks as they are getting ready for bed.

“This was amazing,” Simon replies. “I mean… It’s not like I don’t want to top anymore, just… not all the time. If you’re fine with it, of course.”

Bram pulls Simon in for a hug. “I want you to fuck me,” he replies, “because you do that very well. But I also want to be the one who tops. That was an entirely new set of feelings. I loved it.”

“Can I just say… I love how compatible we are. And not just in bed… I feel like we fit together so nicely. I love you, Bram. If I had to dream a perfect boyfriend, it would be you.”

Bram smiles. “But I’m not perfect.”

“Good. Because neither am I.”

Bram seems about to reply something cheesy but then changes his mind. Instead, he says: “It was a good year, wasn’t it? In spite of everything.”

“The best one.”

“Let’s get another one just like that. Better, even.”

“Let’s get seventy more just like that.”

Bram smiles. Simon smiles. They keep smiling even after they fall asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have noticed a bit of a drop in the interest for this story. I completely understand why. The big Andrew drama has been resolved, the big First Time has been done, it's not summer anymore and people are busier, the story is getting long and people just move on... That's just at the top of my head.
> 
> BUT. I also have to question myself, not just the context. I very much hope that it isn't because the quality is dropping, but please let me know if it is.  
> I know people reacted very strongly to the drama part and there will be more drama later on, but I don't want to add drama just for the sake of it. I have a clear idea of how their lives are going to evolve and that idea has not changed since I started this. I just added more details, more chapters, and the style is a bit different too.  
> As part of this questioning, I have to admit that the story isn't what it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be moments in time, shots of their big milestones, therefore fewer chapters. And now it's this. If I carry on like I intended (hence the title) but with this way of adding more and more filler chapters, we will follow them for quite a while and I get it if people don't want to follow me in this project. It's fine. I told you, even if one person reads it, I'm happy to write it.  
> But you might also all be losing interest and still want closure (I hate stories without a proper ending). So if it's what you guys want/need, I can end this story when they leave high school (which would be soon, definitely before chapter 40); or after uni (I have already written some chapters so it would be nice to use them) and we wouldn't follow them in their adult lives.  
> And of course, if you're happy to just follow me, let's write/read the seventy years Simon just mentioned :)
> 
> Just let me know if you have any strong feelings one way or the other.


	33. The first time they did not opt for the romantic option

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the most exciting chapter, but work is keeping me incredibly busy and I wanted to get a chapter out.  
> Plus, it's a necessary step for the few last chapters of high school (yes, this story is actually getting somewhere).
> 
> This is also our first 'significant' jump in time as we jumped several months since the last chapter.

**Bram**

 

Senior year is a maelstrom. There is so much happening. Bram has never been more grateful for the people around him. They kept him sane through all of it. Especially Simon and his mom.

But it’s nearly the end of the tunnel now. Prom, graduation, moving on to college… all of that is incredibly, scarily close. And it isn’t blurry and vague anymore. It’s very much real and almost set in stone.

Simon was right. Bram made it to Columbia. He even got an academic scholarship. It isn’t a full- ride, but it is still a great achievement.

Simon did not make it to UCLA. He was incredibly fine with it and Bram is still in awe at how quickly Simon was able to get over disappointment to focus on plan B. Simon made it to NYU. It isn’t the school he chose though, and he was so nervous to tell Bram. Bram had to tell him again that it was fine. They both had to choose the right place to study. If that wasn’t NYU, if that meant long-distance, Bram was fine with that. Simon is going to attend the University of Chicago, to do Theater and Performance studies. They apparently have a very exciting program and Simon’s eyes sparkle when he talks about it. This glimmer is what keeps Bram from being sad about it.

On a different note, but something else that keeps Bram sane, Garrett made it to NYU, with a soccer scholarship. Not a full-ride either, but an achievement as well. Contrary to Simon, Garrett decided to go there. They’ll be roughly half an hour away from each other. In college life, it’s like nothing. Bram couldn’t help but smile the day Garrett promised Simon to keep an eye on Bram for him. ‘Wellbeing _and_ virtue’. They exchanged a look then and Bram is almost sure that Garrett and Simon, at some point, discussed the Andrew incident. Bram doesn’t mind. He intends to keep the two of them in his life and if they develop a friendship of their own, he is all for it.

 

Bram’s phone pings, bringing Bram’s mind back to the present. He smiles when he sees the notification. Another person that kept him sane this year. Perhaps the most important person he met over the last twelve months.

 

 

FROM: adisa.kone.ao3@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen1118@gmail.com

DATE: Apr 12 at 6:19 PM

Subject: Always

 

Puppy,

I can’t quite tell you how honored and privileged I feel that you decided to email me with your personal, private, secret, only-for-Drama-Boy email address. I shall treasure that forever.

As for your question, it’s all in the title. I always have time for you. Whatever you need. Of course, if you need help burying a body let me know in advance so I can bring adequate clothing and equipment. Other than that, you can just pop in at my work any time you feel like having a chat. But since I imagine you are the very polite kind of human being who is always afraid of being an imposition, let’s pencil a date in. How about Saturday morning? Around ten. It would be a good time for me to take a break anyway.

Love and Rainbows.

Adisa.

 

 

‘Love and rainbows’? When is that man not 180%? More importantly, it’s great to know that Adisa would hypothetically help him cover a murder.

The email makes Bram happy. He is looking forward to a chat with Adisa. Not that he has something desperate he wants to discuss, he just felt like having a chat. Like he simply needs a dose of Adisa.

 

On Saturday morning, Bram enters Adisa’s workplace. He’s been here before, with Simon. Adisa’s job is just like the man himself. A complex mix between awesome and mundane. He works in a modern and street art gallery. In the finance office. He invited Simon, Bram and their families to a viewing a few weeks ago and everyone was surprised to know that he wasn’t working on any of the artistic sides of the business but with the cold, black and white reality of numbers.

The gallery is in a former warehouse and the offices are where the old offices probably were. They are spacious, well lit, but kind of raw. Adisa’s walls are covered with spray-painted murals done by exposing artists over the years, art covering art, ephemeral as street art should be.

Adisa is on the phone when Bram reaches the open door of his office. He looks at Bram, winks at him and says: “Listen, Will, I will have to call you back. my next appointment is there… Yes… Sure… Just have it drafted by Monday… Talk to you then.”

Adisa hangs up and Bram smiles. “Am I the next appointment?”

“Personal life should never be treated more frivolously than work,” Adisa comments. “Come in and close the door, Puppy.” Before becoming Blue, Bram would have laughed at the idea that someone would one day call him ‘Puppy’. Or ‘Babe’. Yet it feels right when it comes from Simon or Adisa. It makes him feel special to know that only Adisa calls him that, and that he doesn’t call anyone else that. “How was school this week?”

It’s not like Adisa to ask about school. “Fine.”

“Fine? Aren’t you supposed to be a member of that endangered species of teenagers that actually enjoy school?”

“I do enjoy school. Very much. But… it’s weird now. Everything feels like an end.” The conversation took a serious turn much quicker than Bram expected.

“Ah. The terrifying moment when we have to let go of what we know and jump into the unknown. It won’t be your last time, but it might be your scariest one.”

“I’m not exactly scared. I’m ready for everything, I think, it’s just… I don’t know if I am going to do well at college. Not academically, I mean… I don’t know if I’ll be happy. Which I’m fine with, I can endure four years, I’m just wondering that a lot lately. Probably because I’m so happy right now.”

“Why do you mention that like a second-class problem? I think it’s a very valid, and healthy, thing to worry about. Happiness. That’s the most important thing in life. So many people confuse it with contentment. But you’re seeing things the wrong way. Yes, college will take some getting used to. You have everything you need to be happy here. Your mother, Kitten, Drama Boy… and I can see that they are the special kind. I named them because they are much more special than the simple labels ‘family, friend, boyfriend’. I can see that. The current you won’t be happy in college. But the you that you will create there will. You will thrive there. I am certain of that. And I know it won’t be the first time you would have to reinvent yourself. There is one thing though. If after a few months you’re still not happy, you will have to let it go. You can’t ‘endure four years’ of being unhappy. Life is far too short. Trust me.”

Bram has a flashback to his birthday. Yes. Adisa would know about life being too short. Bram almost asks, there and then. But he doesn’t. He has no idea what happened, or how deep and painful the wound is. Instead, he answers: “But Columbia is my dream.”

“No, it’s not. The idea you have of Columbia is your dream. The reality will be incredibly different. You might be very lucky and the reality will be great enough to match your dream. You might be somewhat lucky and the reality won’t be as good but still great. Or even fine. But if you are unlucky and it turns out that you are miserable, you will have to create yourself a new dream.”

“I know it’s silly. To attach that more importance to a school, and it really is my dream for all the right reasons, but… It’s my first socially approved dream. I realize how awful that sounds.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I like boys. I am fine with that, and I wouldn’t trade Simon for the world. But I know society doesn’t see it that way. I am a teenager who likes school. My friends are fine with it, my parents love it, but it makes me a nerd. I play soccer. Yes, it’s a manly sport, but it’s not football, basketball, or lacrosse. Again, it’s the underdog. All the things I want aren’t viewed as prestigious. But Columbia. That’s different. That’s when the nerd turns into a genius and people start looking up to it. It’s an open door to a better life. I’m ashamed of seeing that side of things, but I do.”

“Don’t be ashamed, Puppy. We are gregarious beasts. We want the pack to be on our side. And I know it’s not why you want the school. It’s just another perk it can grant you. I can promise you, though, if you have to let go of this dream, that part will be the easiest one to disregard.” Then Adisa’s energy changes. “But let’s not be defeated yet. You’re going to own this school and be so happy that the rest of the world will be jealous.”

“You know what? I am very torn about Columbia. Quite literally. I can’t wait. I am ready for the next step in my life. I am ready for that university I have been dreaming of since I was a child.”

“But?”

“But Simon is going to be seven hundred and eighty-seven miles away.”

“Ah, yes. The performing art program. He mentioned it to me. He will do great there.”

“I know. We agreed on that. For the next four years, we do what’s best for us.”

“In school or in life?”

“We’re staying together.”

“I never even doubted that. But are you going for a closed or open deal?”

“If you’re asking me if Simon and I are going to have an open relationship in college, we won’t.”

“That’s the wisest decision you could have taken.”

Bram is surprised by that statement. “Usually, people tell us that we won’t make it.”

“And I’m not saying you will. Long-distance is hard. You might or might not survive it. But I know the two of you. You won’t survive other boys. You are like those birds who mate for life. You need exclusivity.”

“So you don’t think we’re crazy for trying?”

“No. There is no harm in trying. For anyone. But the two of you… yeah, I can say that I believe in you.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Sometimes, I need to be reminded that Simon and I are not the only ones to believe that we will make it past graduation.”

“You know what? I have a feeling that you and Drama Boy will make it through much more than that. Don’t you?”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“Simon and I are… I would say romantic, but Leah would say cheesy. I sort of see her point. I am afraid in a way that she is right. That we are too much all the time and that we are using all our love reserve too fast. That the passion we feel is actually just us quickly burning up our love. That if we stay apart, we’ll realize that without the fire, there is nothing left.”

“Don’t worry too much about that, Puppy. You and Drama Boy are more in love inside than outside. I’ve seen quick-burn-passion before. Many, many times. This isn’t that. And if you feel overwhelmed because you’re afraid things are a bit too much, do things more simply. Take time to really be with each other without hiding behind grand gestures.”

Adisa’s right. Only Bram can’t. Not yet. Prom is coming up, and that means a grand gesture. That’s the time to wow his boyfriend, isn’t it?

 

Bram is still thinking about that later that day, in Garrett’s living room. Leah and Abby are sitting on the couch, Nick and Garrett are on the floor, playing on the X-box, and Bram shares an armchair with Simon. Even though they take part in the conversation, they are cuddling more than sitting and the armchair is a bit further back, so they are halfway between socializing and being in their little bubble.

Just as Bram is wondering if Simon would prefer to ask or be asked to go to Prom, he realizes that the rest of the group is actually talking about the same subject.

“I’m so glad I don’t have a girlfriend,” Garrett says. “Everyone is going crazy on ‘Promposals’ and I don’t want to have to compete with that.”

“I’m fine with competing with most people,” Nick replies. “I just accepted that no matter what I do, it will be less good than those two.” He points at Bram and Simon. “What have you planned? Hot air balloon? Hundreds of roses in the corridors? A string quartet?”

Simon turns his head to look at Bram and, against all odds, says with a bit of challenge in his voice: “Babe, would you go to Prom with me?”

All of their friends look at Simon like he’s gone crazy. As if it is unthinkable that Bram and Simon wouldn’t seize that opportunity to do something ridiculously, nauseously romantic. But Bram loves it. Simon just wiped away two of Bram’s anxieties in one go: having to find an original idea, and having to find out if they need grand gestures to feel connected. He doesn’t, they don’t. “Sure, why not?” Bram answers on the same tone.

“Even when they do nothing they’re annoyingly cute,” Leah comments before reporting her attention to the game and even decides to pick up a controller. Nick does something impressive and everyone forgets about Prom and the shockingly low-key invitation Simon just blurted out.

“Did I ruin things?” Simon asks. “Did you want to make it special? Because if I’m honest, I wasn’t even going to ask you to Prom, I just assumed we both knew we were going together.”

“That was perfect. I’m pretty sure that’s what I needed. Simple and cheeky.”

“Yeah, well… I just wanted them to stop teasing us.”

“My hero,” Bram jokes. Sort of.

 

This wasn't romantic. In fact, it was being sassy toward Nick more than asking Bram to Prom. But it was incredible. Not only was it what Bram needed, he also feels proud, happy and comforted that Simon took for granted that they would go to Prom together. That his incredibly romantic mind didn't even consider that they would  _need_ to ask the other one. As if their relationship was more intense than any 'promposal' ever.

Bram would never have guessed that being taken for granted could feel that great.

 

After Nick absolutely dominated the game and won five times in a row, Garrett decides that he’s thirsty and leave for the kitchen. Nick, Leah, and Abby follow him. With the doors open, Bram and Simon can see their friends, but they cannot really be in the conversation anymore.

Bram buries his face in Simon’s neck. “Love, is it still okay if I spend the night at your house?” His voice is barely a whisper. Only Simon could have heard that. Simon hums in reply. “What are you going to do to me?” Bram asks, feeling like being naughty. Simon stiffens slightly and Bram knows he has his complete attention.

“I don’t know,” Simon replies just as low.

“Oh? I know what I would do to you. Would you like me to tell you?”

Bram enjoys teasing Simon, making him slightly embarrassed. He knows what’s about to happen. Simon is going to shoot him The Look, the not-here Look and that will be the end of that. Besides, it’s not like anything truly wild is going to happen in a house full of Spiers. Which is why Bram is more than surprised when Simon whispers back: “I would.”

Bram needs a second to control the jolt of desire traversing his body. Can they do that? With their friends about to come back in the room? Is it allowed? Is it okay? If it’s just words, surely it’s fine… “I wouldn’t take you to your bed. We always use the bed. It’s boring.” Bram is absolutely not bored with anything they can do in a bed, but it is a bit boring for a fantasy. “I would get you naked and bend you over your desk.” Simon’s hands grip Bram’s a bit harder. “I’m sure you would look so pretty. I would take a moment to admire you before working you open.” Bram can almost feel the efforts that Simon makes to maintain a steady breathing. He glances around. No one is paying much attention to them. Bram and Simon, always whispering sickeningly romantic stuff to one another. Not today. “Maybe I would use more than my fingers to do that. Maybe I would use my tongue too.” They’ve never done that. Bram thinks about it sometimes but he’s not there yet. Apparently neither is Simon. But that’s what fantasy is about, isn’t it? Throwing ideas out there. Simon leans a bit more against Bram. “Then I would get in. I think I feel like being on top today. It would be nice and slow. I would play you like an instrument and get the sweetest music out of you.” Simon lets out a sound. Almost a whimper. “And then, finally, when you’re completely relaxed and in the moment, it wouldn’t be sweet and slow anymore. I would work you so well that you would struggle to make sure that no one can hear you.”

“Babe?” Simon’s voice is weird. As if he has to make an effort to speak.

“Yeah?”

“That’s… incredibly hot, and somehow reassuring regarding any phone sex we might have in the future, but I really need us to change the subject. Before anyone notices…”

Bram smiles. He can’t help but feel a bit proud of himself. “Sure. Should we discuss Prom outfits?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From your reactions from the previous chapter's notes, most of you want the story to continue. So it will. I might inquire again after we're done with their college years.
> 
> And yes, Adisa's email address looks incredibly fake, but that's sort of on purpose. I realized that it's actually not an unusual first name/last name combination and I didn't want to change his last name. But I also didn't want to put an email address on the Internet that might belong to someone.  
> 


	34. The first time they went to a formal event

**Simon**

 

The last time Simon went to a high school dance, he had a girlfriend and he did _not_ have a good time. Since then, probably from the low-key PTSD that ensued, Simon didn’t even show interest in any similar event. This time is different, though. It’s his senior Prom. It’s his last chance to go to a high school dance. And there is Bram. Simon wants to have that evening with Bram. It is also one of the last big events he and his friends will share before all leaving for different parts of the country.

Bram and Simon chose their outfits together. Bram went for a black suit with a dark red shirt, Simon went the exact opposite, making sure that the red on his suit perfectly matched Bram’s shirt. He isn’t sure that this is his color, but Bram looked dashing in his suit and Simon wanted a matching but not similar attire. They both went for a bow tie as a reference to Adisa who once said that regular ties were boring for parties, even if they were pink and glittery. Simon isn’t sure where Adisa gets his various strong opinions on random things, but they tend to be very entertaining, and to stay in your brain for quite a while.

Simon is putting on the suit, getting excited for tonight. For a moment, he thinks about doing something with his hair, but he knows it’s a lost battle and he remembers the note from Blue. _I love your perpetual bed-hair_. If Bram _loves_ it, why would Simon change it? There is something else, however, that Bram loves. Simon finds the eyeliner Bram got him for his birthday and applies a thin line under his eyes. It takes him a few tries to get the lines even and non-wobbly, but he is happy with the result.

 

“You look great, son,” his father says when Simon gets downstairs.

“Thanks. Are you okay, Mom?” His mother looks oddly emotional.

“Yes, it’s just… a rite of passage. I’m so proud of you. You did so well, and soon, you’ll be all grown up. I know from Alice that time flies from now to graduation, and then… college.”

“Mom… can we please not do this tonight?” Simon is very afraid of the moment his mother will cry about him leaving for college, like she did for Alice, and he really hopes it happens as late as possible. he especially hopes that it won’t happen just as his friends are about to arrive.

Simon, Bram, Leah, Garrett, Abby, and Nick decided to rent a limo together to go to Prom and they decided to leave Simon’s house for practical reasons.

Bram is the first one to arrive, with his mother, and his eyes sparkle when he sees Simon. Probably because he’s in love, but maybe the eyeliner too.

Their parents insist on taking pictures and Simon’s mother installed a lot of fairy lights in the garden just for them. The pictures are going to be extremely cheesy, and Simon is going to cherish them forever.

Leah is next. Simon sort of wants to roll his eyes at her like she usually does to people. After weeks of bullying the Prom Committee to change the dress code to allow girls to wear trousers, she is wearing a dress. Not a prom dress, though, a summer dress, which is very Leah and suits her perfectly. Still. “What?” she asks defensively. “It was all about the principle of it.” Fair enough.

They sit in the parent-free living room waiting for the others. Nick and Abby texted that they would be there before the limo but that they would be a bit delayed. It makes sense. It’s one of their last nights together. Simon even has the impression that it is their last night as a couple. That they won’t wait until the end of the summer to break things off.

Garrett joins them next. He is wearing a dusty pink suit and he looks very dashing. Simon thinks that going to Prom with boys from the soccer team might have been a bad idea. They will all wear suits much better than him with their stupid muscular shoulders.

“Really Burke? A dress? How disappointingly heteronormative of you.”

“Really Laughlin? Pink? How gay-wannabe of you.”

“Well… #livehappyandfierce,” Garrett says.

Simon frowns. “Has he…”

“Found Adisa’s twitter,” Bram confirms.

“I did,” Garrett exclaims proudly, “and I despise the two of you for not telling me that @AdisaKone was a thing.” Bram rolls his eyes at Garrett.

Leah shoots Garrett a knowing look. “Is it everything you ever dreamed of?”

“No, it’s actually not. What I dreamed of was an Instagram account where he would post daily pictures of what he’s wearing. I would pay good money for that. I was actually so looking forward to getting Prom outfit ideas from the man himself. But I would say that it’s second best.”

“It’s already good that he’s on Twitter, I guess,” Leah says. “My mom barely manages Facebook and keeps tagging me everywhere. Plus, I imagine Adisa’s twitter to be a gay wonderland.”

“It’s really not,” Bram replies. “It’s… like a watered-down version of Adisa’s wisdom. He calls his tweets his ‘daily platitudes’.”

“Bram, watch your mouth,” Garrett warns.

“What are his ‘daily platitudes’?” Leah asks.

“There is this friend of his who had to move away,” Simon explains Leah, “and she told him that she would miss his wisdom and insight on the world.”

“Which is fair enough,” Leah comments.

“So he promised her to post one thought per day, even though it could only be clichés and platitudes in 280 characters. His words, not mine,” Simon adds looking at Garrett.

“Hey, that means we get to take some of the legend that he is with us to college,” Garrett translates, “and I know I’ll need some daily positivity.”

“You know you can just call him, right?” Bram asks.

“No, I can’t. Not everyone can be his favorite Puppy.”

“You’re tiring,” Bram comments.

They are interrupted by their other friends finally joining them.

 

The rest of the evening is a dream. Simon wasn’t that fussed about the limo, but he must admit that it was nice to sit in one with his friends, enjoying a bit of a luxurious life that isn’t his.

They didn’t go to a restaurant beforehand because their Prom starts with food. Nothing to do with the usual canteen food, this actually is very nice.

The first part of the evening is definitely fancy.

During dinner, a slideshow is projected on the theme ‘most likely’. Taylor Metternich is elected most likely to become a celebrity. Bram is most likely to succeed. Garrett is most likely to stay fit forever. Bram and Simon are most likely to get married in high school and still make it. This one takes Simon by surprise. The bullying had gotten much better this year, but he also never realized that people looked up to his relationship. The next one properly drops his jaw. Simon had been named most likely to overcome adversity.

That’s when Taylor appears next to him. “Hi, Simon. Did you like that one? I suggested that.”

“What? Why? How?”

“You know you can make full sentences, right? I could do it because I was in the Prom Committee. Obviously, I didn’t have any input in the ones I got.” She says as if it were _really_ important that everyone knows other people found her amazing, but she still had to tell that she won more than one. “Anyway, we all thought that you handled very well being outed online last year.”

“Oh. Thanks?”

“No worries. You carry on being above it all, you little tiger.” And off she goes. Yeah… Simon isn’t particularly going to miss her.

Simon notices Bram staring at him. He knows what’s in his boyfriend’s mind. Bram still hasn’t forgiven Martin for what he did. When Simon came clean about the blackmail thing, he asked Bram to let it go and not make a big deal out of it, to leave it in the past, and Bram did. Simon knows however that deep down, Bram is still angry. Both for the blackmailing and the outing. Simon is over it. Whatever happened before his time with Bram seems so irrelevant now.

 

Simon loves dancing with Bram. Tonight is even better because, for the first time, they also slow dance. Simon loves being able to hold his boyfriend close in public, almost hugging more than dancing, staring into his eyes, the rest of the room nearly fading away.

“They’re right you know,” Bram tells Simon.

“Who is right about what?”

“If we got married in high school, I’m sure we would have made it forever.”

“Are you saying that we are going to break up because we didn’t get married in high school?”

Bram chuckles. “Yes. That’s exactly what I meant. Now we’re doomed.”

Simon kisses Bram in the middle of the dance floor. “We still have a few weeks to change that.”

“Right. Then you tell my mom about it,” Bram negotiates.

“No, thanks. I’d rather take the doomed thing.”

 

Simon is so in love right now. He has absolutely no intention of getting married in high school, but he, too, believes that they would still be able to make it work forever. Simon understands that feelings can fade, that life can get in the way, but it doesn’t seem to be a likely possibility. In his mind, nothing will ever stop him from loving Bram.

 

Nick and Abby are crowned Prom King and Queen. This is certainly due to the fact that Abby is nice to everyone, that he is in a sports team and she is a cheerleader, that she is in a lot of extra-curricular and that they are seen as a package deal. They are paper perfect.

Simon isn’t sure what is more hilarious: Nick’s horrified face at the idea of having to go on that stage, or the pure state of shock that Taylor seems to suddenly be in.

Leah takes a picture of Nick being crowned.

“We’re never going to let him forget that, are we?” Simon asks.

“Nope, not a chance. That’s coming back at his college graduation, wedding… even funeral if I live long enough.”

 

After that, Simon dances less with Bram and more with his friends. Creating memories beyond his relationship, making the most of this evening.

 

After the official Prom, as they are walking to Bram’s car (that he was smart enough to leave there as the limo was just to get to Prom), Simon notices that Garrett isn’t with them.

“Isn’t Garrett coming with us to Toby’s after-prom?” he asks Bram.

“Actually, about that… Toby’s after-prom is just a glorified name for a party. We can go if you want to, I really don’t want you to miss anything from this evening, and what I want to do can wait another few hours, but… I planned something else for us. I would like to take you somewhere. Garrett is just giving us space to organize our schedule the way it suits us.”

“So Garrett knows where you’re taking me?”

“No. I just told him I was tired and I might get us both home if you were tired too. Which we can do as well, by the way.”

“Sure. Because I’m not dying to know what you planned for me.”

Bram smiles and it’s half sweet, half mischievous. There is no part of Simon that wants to go to that party anymore.

“Don’t build it up too much in your head. It’s nothing incredible. It’s just… carrying on with both the magic and the clichés of Prom. So… what are we doing? Toby’s after-prom first?”

“Absolutely not. Just take me to that magical cliché you planned.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a bit shorter but - and as odd as it might seem for someone who mainly writes love stories - I find Prom particularly uninspiring (probably because I've only ever seen them in movies), but I still wanted to include it because it would still be a milestone for an American teenager.
> 
> Also, halfway through writing the chapter (I'm sure you'll know which scene), I decided to take Adisa out of the website and give life to his Twitter account. I probably won't keep it alive for very long (then again here we are, chapter 34), I just found amusing to give a bit more existence to a character and think about what his 'daily platitudes' could look like and how he would try to daily get people to be more wise and positive (in 280 characters). It's completely experimental and it will probably evolve into something else, die out or even be taken down in a while, but it's out there for now.


	35. The first time absolutely nothing stood between them

**Bram**

 

Bram’s heart is beating fast. He hopes Simon will like it. So far, they treated Prom as the rite of passage that it is more than the romantic evening it could be. And Bram is fine with that. He might even like it better like this. No grand gesture. Just the two of them and their friends.

But that’s the thing. There has been a lot of friends and family lately, and very little time when it was just the two of them and, at this point, with the end on the horizon, Bram definitely needs that. Some Simon time.

So Bram booked a room in this ridiculously romantic place he found online and that fits perfectly with the high expectations someone could put on senior Prom. In one of Atlanta’s residential neighbourhood, there is a tiny bamboo forest in which a luxurious treehouse was built. Other than the unusual, beautiful, dream-like side of it, Bram was drawn to how picturesque and yet exotic the place looked. It sort of took Bram back to the cabin and it made him long for a do-over of that night. Get the magic night they could have gotten instead of the mishap they got.

Bram parks the car. From here, they can see the treehouse and bamboos. Nothing else. The rest of the world might as well have vanished.

Bram nervously looks at Simon. He is leaning forward slightly to be able to look up at the cabin. His mouth is slightly open from the surprise.

“Bram, this is…” but Simon’s voice dies out.

“Too much?” Bram asks still a bit nervous.

“I was going to say… amazing, or perfect… but… yeah, maybe it is too much. I mean… at some point, we won’t be able to do better and it would be sad to peak in high school.” But Bram relaxes because Simon’s voice is mainly just awe.

“I think we’ll always find ways to surprise each other, and each time will feel like a peak because it will be new and…” Bram cant finish his sentence because Simon’s lips are on his.

“I love you,” Simon whispers, pulling back ever so slightly.

“I love you more.”

“That’s extremely not a thing… Come on. Let’s go discover that incredible place you got for us.”

 

The place is truly incredible. Rustic yet luxurious, cosy yet spacious, romantic but not cheesy. It is the good way to upgrade their prom night while staying in their low-key romantic theme. This isn’t low-key. At all. But it feels more subtle than a hotel room.

Bram had originally planned to ask his mom for the house and just decorate it a bit. But Phil’s family is in town and that wasn’t an option. Bram decided it was better to change that plan into a grand gesture than simply going to a party and miss out on Simon time.

 

The two of them are on the balcony, wrapped together in the same blanket, sitting on a bench, looking at the stars and the city skyline, peaking above the bamboos from afar. Bram loves the weight of Simon’s back against his chest, the smell of Simon in the air, the warmth of his body… He feels like he is recharging his energy, just by being with Simon.

“This is very nice,” Simon comments. “I can’t believe you planned this and you were going to let me choose to go to Toby’s party if I wanted to.”

“We could have come later. We have all night.”

“Still… That would have been such a waste. That’s probably very expensive, too.”

“My dad is paying for it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I think he is in that stage where he thinks that money is going to make things better, which is very irritating. But he offered to pay for my suit, but my grandma already paid for it.”

“The one that compared us to couches?”

Bram chuckles. “No. The one you haven’t met. Anyway, he asked me if there is something else I wanted for this evening and… here we are.”

“So you and your dad are talking again?”

“Not really. But he’s my dad and I know things will get better. I might regret then not sharing those moments with him. I invited him to graduation.”

“That’s great, Babe.”

“Not really. I sort of did it out of spite.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to see if he is going to comment on the fact that I am _only_ salutatorian.”

“I’m sure he won’t. not like that. He’ll be proud. Like we all are.”

“I don’t know. It’s what I want to see for myself, I guess.”

“Bram… Do you ever think he was right?”

“What about?”

“Me getting in the way of your academic success? Do you think you could have gotten valedictorian?”

“I don’t know. But there is no part of me that would like to find out. I am very proud of having been able to balance my school life and my personal life while being successful in both. I got into the college I wanted, I have a great boyfriend, I made more friends this year… I’m happy with my life.”

“Good. Because I don’t ever want you to regret choosing me.”

“Never.”

They stay quiet for a while, then Simon adds: “It all seemed so far away, and now it’s here.”

“I know. It flew by.”

“We’ll be gone soon.”

“We still have time.”

“It doesn’t feel like it’s going to be enough anymore. And… I’m so jealous that Garrett gets to stay in your life.”

“Si…”

“No, I know. It’s not… I’m happy for the two of you, and I decided to pass on NYU, it’s just a bit hard, you know?”

“Of course, I know! Don’t you think I feel the same? But you’ll still be in my life, Simon. We won’t be able to touch as often as we’d like to, but we live in a world of technology. We can talk on so many different platforms now. I’ll contact you so often that you’ll be sick of me.”

“Yeah… that won’t happen.”

Bram smiles and rests his chin on Simon’s head. “Out of everything, loosing you is really not what I’m afraid of,” Bram says. “Because I have to trust that it won’t happen. That you’ll be the light guiding my way for the next four years.”

“What are you most afraid of, then?”

“I’m not sure. It used to be leaving my mom alone. But even that is gone. I’m so happy she found Phil. I don’t worry about her anymore. She’ll be fine. She won’t be lonely.”

“I’m glad you feel free to move on to the next big step. I never thought I would think something would keep me back, but I do worry for Nora. We’ve always been a big happy family, and it was hard to adjust when Alice left. I’m afraid she’ll feel a bit lonely.”

“She’ll be fine. We were talking the other day and she told me about that new band she joined. She seems very excited. And she is making plans to visit Alice, you and me next year, to travel a bit without your parents. I think she’s looking forward to the freedom if I’m honest.” Simon shifts a bit to look at Bram. “What?”

“Nothing. I just love that you care enough to look out for my sister.”

“I like Nora. But even if I didn’t… she’s your sister, and I love you. If you care, I care.”

Simon smiles and snuggles closer. Bram wraps his arms tighter around Simon. “This is nice,” Simon comments.

“Very. I could fall asleep here.”

“This is conditional, right?” Simon asks after a pause. “We’re definitely getting some playtime, aren’t we?”

 

Of course, they’re getting playtime. It’s been too long. Sure, nothing compares to what they will have to wait next year, but it’s different when you see the other one every day and you just can’t get any alone time.

Bram lips are travelling on Simon’s skin, mapping out this body he now knows off by heart but still feels like a discovery every time. Just like he said he would after Simon asked him to Prom, Bram is playing Simon like an instrument, sound by sound.

Sex is great, and Bram would feel somewhat frustrated if they had to stop before the main event, but he loves this part, right now. Taking Simon from slightly aroused to a complete mess.

“Bram…” Simon’s voice is a hoarse whisper, almost a request. But this isn’t Simon begging for anything, this is him getting lost in the moment. Bram loves that he can tell the difference, and he prides himself to be the only person who can. Bram wants to keep Simon in that state of abandon.

“Love? Is it fine if I top?”

“Yes, please.”

Sometimes, it’s really clear where they are heading and none of them needs to ask. Sometimes it’s not so clear and they either have to ask or make the other understand in more subtle ways. They always find common ground. When Bram wants to top, though, if things aren’t moving there organically, Bram always makes sure that it is what Simon wants too. Simon, even if he clearly loves it when he’s bottoming, also seems to have a weird relationship with it and needs to be perfectly relaxed and in the moment. Bram doesn’t mind. Actually, he thinks it’s great that they are at a point where Simon wouldn’t even consider doing something he doesn’t want to and doesn’t freak out about saying no, or asking for something different. Bram knows that he can do the same. There is no judgement, from any of them, ever.

Bram grabs the lube and condom, but Simon seize his wrist. “No, wait.”

Bram obeys and stop. No? “Is everything alright? Did you change your mind?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s… Babe… It’s fine if you don’t want to, but…” Simon seems nervous, not fully making eye contact, biting his lips. He would look adorable if his nervousness wasn’t contagious.

Bram runs his fingers on Simon’s cheek. “What is it?”

“I thought… we’ve been very good for so long, and… there’s been no one else, you know that. I completely trust that it’s the same for you. I know what we’ve been told. Every time. But… maybe we could stop using them?”

Bram needs to make sure that he understands what Simon is saying. “Condoms, you mean?”

Simon’s cheeks get a shade darker. “Yeah… We’ve been together over a year, there was no one else before or during… And it’s not like we have to worry about birth control… I just thought… We don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Of course, Bram wants that. Partly because he is sure it would feel even better than what they know, but mostly because this is one of the greatest proof of love, trust and stability to decide to start having unprotected sex. Okay, maybe not for everyone, but for Simon and Bram who understand, value, and even somehow fear, the importance of safe sex, it is a big deal.

 

Bram knew it would feel better, he just didn’t realise how much. It’s like things were dulled before, good but not great, a fraction of what they could be. But maybe part of that was a sort of placebo effect, Bram’s emotions enhancing his pleasure. Still. It was amazing.

Apparently so thought Simon. His face, his noises, the way he moved… Bram knows he isn’t the only one who had fun.

Although it means that this was a bit quicker than usual. Bram is afraid he might have to rebuild his stamina. He even ended up finishing Simon by hand. But he made Simon come, screaming, lost in their treehouse hidden in the city, where they don’t have to worry about noise.

Now they are silently catching their breath, not touching except for where their pinkies brush, as if they don’t even need words or contact to feel connected right now. A few minutes before, they were one, absolutely nothing standing between them. Bram likes that ideas even more than the sex itself.

Simon is the first one to break the silence. “Babe?” Bram turns his head to look at his boyfriend’s gorgeous eyes. They are full of mischief. “Ready for round two?”

Bram raises an eyebrow. To be honest, he isn’t one hundred percent there yet. But he knows that any touch from Simon will get him there. “Absolutely.”

“Should we swap?”

“Absolutely,” Bram repeats.

 

 


	36. The first time they graduated

**Simon**

 

This is it. The moment they worked so hard for. Well… Bram worked so hard. Simon worked somewhat hard.

Regardless of the hardship they all had to face individually, they all made it. Simon’s friends and classmates are all here, waiting outside the school, most of them already in their gown although most are not wearing the cap. Of course, Bram is, looking neat and ready. He is so handsome. If Simon could, he would take him by the hand to a quiet place and do all kinds of things to him. But not only is it neither the time nor place, Simon also knows that if his boyfriend had to choose between him and graduation, school would win.

Simon is nervous and he doesn’t really understand why. He knows what is about to happen, they rehearsed yesterday. He also knows that this is technically a formality. Whatever happens at graduation, he graduated high school. But he also understands that this is an important step. Today, they all move on. They say goodbye to secondary education and they move on with their lives, wherever that leads them. For most of them, it’s college, but not all. Leah, for instance, is not going. Not next year anyway. She is traveling to South America for nine months with an NGO to do some volunteer work, mostly to do with education. Even if it all looks amazing on paper, Simon still thinks that it is an incredibly brave thing to do and he is quite admirative of his best friend.

Leah’s father is not here today. Simon was so sure that, at least for something this important, he would have made an effort. He doesn’t remember him that well, but he doesn’t remember a jerk either. Leah’s mom took time off work though and she is here, talking to Garrett’s dad and my parents.

“Is your mom coming?” Simon asks Garrett.

“Nope,” he replies. “I took a page from Leah’s book and I didn’t even bother inviting her.” Simon is slightly surprised that Leah shared that with Garrett. Then again he often forgets that the two of them are actually close and that Leah answers question when someone bothers asking them. Gosh, he’s a terrible friend!

“Did you invite someone else?” Simon asks. He remembers Leah mentioning that she invited her aunt and Simon wonders if Garrett did something similar.

“I did. And you know what? I thought I should invite someone that could be a parental figure for everyone who showed up today missing a family member.”

“Who did you invite?” Bram asks, joining the conversation halfway through, looking slightly worried.

Garrett doesn’t need to reply. Wearing a golden shirt with the sleeves rolled up, baby pink jeans and electric blue smart shoes, Adisa is walking down the school’s path. He doesn’t make it to them yet though, because he stops to talk with their parents.

“You invited Adisa?” Bram asks, slightly surprised.

“Today is about celebrating what we achieved with the people who helped us go through senior year,” Garrett answers more serious than Simon is used to. “I know that Adisa has mainly been there for you guys, but I could email and call him a few times. I apologized the first time, but he told me that he was there to guide every stray cat, even the Kittens. I’m sure we all him here with us today.”

“We do,” Simon confirms.

The group of parents is now joined by Bram’s parents, both of them, and Simon sees Alice and Nora park the car. Shortly after, Abby introduces Simon to her parents and brother. Her father and brother finally moved here a few months back, but Simon never had a chance to meet anyone in Abby’s family. It’s a little odd, in a way, to meet them knowing that there probably won’t be a next time.

 

Bram’s father comes to talk to them while the rest of the parents are still in an intense conversation that Simon suspects to be about how proud they are of them, or that kind of things that should be nice but, really, are just a bit cringy. Simon likes when his mother tells him that she is proud of him. Not so much when she tells other adults. Or, worse, when she tells his friends.

“Hello Simon,” he says before shaking his hand.

“Hello, Mr. Greenfeld. Are Stacey and Levi with you?”

“No, they stayed in Savannah. Levi is feverish and we thought he should stay in, really. But I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.” Simon looks at Bram and he still seems unsure about his father’s truthfulness. Simon actually thinks that Mr. Greenfeld is genuine and that he would have been there, fight or not. But that’s not something Bram wants to hear. He needs to take that journey on his own. “And I got to meet Adisa,” Mr. Greenfeld adds. “Stacey was quite smitten by him when she came back from your birthday.”

“What did you think of him?” Bram asks, and Simon knows that it is a test. The same one he sort of gave his own father.

“I barely know him,” Bram’s father replies. “But I wish I had his sense of style. Or rather, I wish I was brave enough to pull off his sense of style. More seriously, though, he seems incredibly caring. About everyone. It is inspiring. I’m not even sure I care that much about myself.” He can’t say anything more as things are finally starting.

Graduation.

Simon’s nervousness comes back.

 

The audience gets in first as the students have to line up alphabetically, Martin being the first of the line. Simon is trying to find some poetic hidden meaning in that, but he can’t. Sometimes, bullies never get lost in the crowd.

As they walk in, some music is playing. Simon barely hears it. He is extremely focused on walking. He decided that no matter what, he _will not_ be the student who trips at his high school graduation.

Simon ends up sitting next to Toby and a few places from Abby. He can see the back of Bram’s head and that is a bit distracting.

Then come all the speeches. From faculty, from a guest speaker who is quite good but who Simon has no idea who he might be. Then students. Among them, the valedictorian and salutatorian. Bram didn’t let Simon anywhere near his speech and Simon discovers it right here and there with everyone else. It is a beautifully written speech about the possibilities ahead. About the chance to reinvent yourself from what high school made you into and that even though it might seem terrifying, it is also the greatest, most exciting adventure of their lives. Freedom, independence, personal growth. He also mentions that moving ahead, nothing and no one should define you but yourself, and that your identity should come from you, not from what others decide it should be. Simon immediately thinks back to Gender Bender Day this year when all the jocks dressed as cheerleaders, like every year. Bram had never been looked funnily at for doing that before, none of the other boys from the team got any comments, but some giggled at Bram this year, because he was gay and wearing girl’s clothes. Bram ignored them gracefully, but Simon knew he was annoyed. Not for himself, but for the principle of it.

Simon may be biased, but he finds Bram’s speech better written, better paced and much more inspirational than the one of the valedictorian.

Then they all walk on stage alphabetically. Simon takes a good look at everybody, but especially the ones who shared and impacted his life those last four years. Martin. Leah. Nick. Garrett. **Bram**. Taylor. Cal…

Then his row stands up. He makes eye contact with Toby and Abby and the march to the stage.

No tripping. Please, no tripping.

Simon gets his piece of paper, his sweaty handshake, moves his tassel from the right to the left, and it feels oh so solemn.

After everyone received their diplomas, the head introduces the graduating class and caps are thrown in the air. Of course, Bram keeps his firmly attached to his head. Simon just loves his formal, nerdy boyfriend.

 

At the reception, they finally get a chance to talk to Adisa who congratulates Bram on an inspired and inspiring speech, and Bram modestly mumbles something about it being ‘alright’.

Bram’s father finally meets Garrett and tells him that he remembers his wife mentioning him from Bram’s birthday. Simon is quite happy that Bram is still talking to Mr. Wise at this point and that he didn’t have to hear that his father can only remember Garrett because _Stacey_ mentioned him.

 

Then Simon’s, Bram’s and Garrett’s family decide to all go for a meal together. Jack invites Adisa to join them, but he politely declines. “This is family time. I should go.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Jack replies. “It is family time. You should come.” Adisa raises a surprised eyebrow that is just a fraction of Simon’s own stupefaction. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. We all know you’ll be there to clean up my mess with my boy every time I’ll say or do the wrong thing, or when I will be out of my depth. You’re our own Mary Poppins.” Then after a pause, he adds: “That sounded bad. Just know that to me, Mary Poppins is the greatest parental figure of all time.”

“That’s true,” Emily says rolling her eyes. “When Alice was born, he talked to her with a British accent for a week hoping it would make her smarter.”

“It didn’t,” Alice shouts out from a few feet away.

Adisa laughs and answers: “Well. Mary Poppins would definitely stay, wouldn’t she?”

Simon thinks back to the night him and Bram randomly met Adisa. He does feel like family now. Yet this is not what Simon feels strongly about. It’s not even that Adisa agreed to stay for the meal. He is mostly touched that this came from his father.

 

They all go to dinner, Stacey rings Bram to congratulate him and she asks to speak to Simon too which he feels flattered about. Simon looks at everybody and he feels serene. This is the end of an era, a jump in the unknown and he knows that even if he has expectations, he has no idea what comes next. But he also knows that no matter what, all those people, blood or not, will always be his family. Even Mr. Laughlin who Simon met last than six months ago but who has been so nice to him ever since.

Nick and Leah aren’t here right now, but they are definitely on Simon’s chosen family. People that will stick with him forever, no matter what, because they shared that much. And Abby… maybe Abby is still on her way from best friend to family and that will be Simon’s duty to make sure they don’t lose touch until they are there.

 

Bram takes Simon’s hand under the table and they look at each other, smiling. Bram is happy. Simon is happy. This is a good day.

 

Plus, Simon didn’t trip and fall.

 

 


	37. The first time they used props

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The name of their game has nothing to do with the other series, it's just a name I came up with and when I realized the connection, I was too lazy to change it.

**Bram**

 

Bram is moving to New York in fifty-six days. Simon will be on holiday with his family for twenty-three of them. Bram will be in Florida with his mom for ten _which do not_ overlap. He doesn’t like the math in there.

So they both try to spend as much time together as possible, even when it’s to do nothing.

 

Such as right now.

Simon is lying on Bram’s bed and Bram is sprawled perpendicularly, head on Simon’s stomach. They can now do that thanks to Bram’s new two-person bed. He isn’t quite sure why his mom decided to buy new bedding as he is about to move out, but he is pretty sure that it means that his room is about to become a guest room. Bram doesn’t mind. Primarily because he gets it, and she should use the room as she pleases whenever he is away, but also because he made the most of it with Simon. Several times.

Simon’s fingers start playing with Bram’s hair and he closes his eyes to enjoy the feeling. This moment is so nice, peaceful and quiet that Bram forgets all about that stupid deadline looking at them from afar.

Bram even feels his breathing slow down. Falling asleep in Simon’s arms: doesn’t that sound like heaven? Who cares if it’s the middle of the afternoon?

“Babe?”

Bram opens his eyes and looks at Simon’s gorgeous face. And his eyes… even after a year and a half, Bram can still look into them and feel like he’s falling in love. “Hmm?”

“Let’s play ‘What if’.”

Bram smiles. ‘What if’, sometimes called ‘Doomed what if’, is a game the two of them invented to virtually test their limits, but who really is just a way to say that they love each other and that long-distance is going to be fine.

“I’ll let you start since you clearly have one in mind.”

“What if there is a fire in your building in the middle of the night, you have to leave in a hurry, you are in the street, half-naked, cold, and a firefighter offers you his coat after saving lives and say that he knows a place you two could get warmer?” Simon asks.

“Okay, so… in your scenario, a firefighter would leave his shift to hit on me?”

“You’re quite distracting when you’re half-naked.”

Bram can’t help but smile. He likes it when Simon refers to him as sexy or attractive. Bram even believes him now. “Firefighters aren’t really my thing.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Pants On Fire, _everyone_ has a thing for firefighters. They’re like superheroes, but real.”

“Okay, well, if that scenario of yours happen, I wouldn’t be able to talk to said firefighter because I would be Face-Timing you about the fire and I would never dare to cheat  _to your face_.”

Simon giggles. “I guess it’s an acceptable answer. Your turn.”

“Right… What if… Daniel Radcliffe gives a talk at your fancy performing arts college, you ask an amazing question that no one ever asked him before, and he asks you out?”

“Babe, please. I would never cheat on you with Daniel Radcliffe. Harry Potter, though, and you don’t exist to me anymore.”

“I’d say that’s fair enough.”

“Okay… what if… you end up sharing a room with a handsome gay guy?”

“Hmm… How handsome are we talking about?”

“I don’t know… Andrew handsome.”

There is no spite or bitterness in Simon’s tone, just the easiness of choosing someone he knows Bram could find attractive, and Bram loves him for that. “That’s an easy one. I turned Andrew down for you.”

“Just so you know,” Simon teases, “if _I_ end up sharing a room with Andrew, I’m totally doing it.”

Bram lets out a fake exaggerated sigh. “You and soccer calves…” Simon flicks him on the forehead before leaning in for a kiss. “Why did you want to play ‘What if’?” Bram asks.

Simon shrugs. “I wanted to hear you tell me that there will be just me, even if I had to ask for it.”

“Hey, Love. Of course, there will be just you. Even if I share a room with a firefighter.”

Simon smiles at that idea. “I’m sorry if that game is weird. It just makes me feel more secure, somehow.”

“Don’t worry. I actually like it too. Besides, I think the prospect of next year is making everyone act a little weird. The other day, my mom made a list of everything she still needs to teach me before I have to live on my own, on that list were fairly basic stuff like cook, fill in paperwork, fold the laundry properly… but she also put stuff such as perform CPR and do a self-health check. She also mentioned vaccination at some point.”

“Well, New York is probably full of germs.” Bram laughs and starts playing with Simon’s fingers. “My parents are going crazy too. My Mom asked Alice to make me a list of the things she wished she had known before moving to college, and one night my dad came back from a dinner party, and, sure, he was a bit drunk, but still, he told me that ‘he’s happy as long as I’m alive’. So, yeah… crazy.”

Simon’s last example doesn’t make Bram laugh. “Actually… I think I know why he said that.”

“What?”

“I didn’t tell you that because I didn’t know how to, and it’s not really my place to share, but… Do you remember my birthday dinner?” Simon nods. “I over-heard Adisa talk to your dad. Apparently Adisa had a child.”

“Had?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. What happened?”

“I don’t know. You can’t really walk up to people and ask them that question.”

‘I had no idea” Simon says.

“Neither did I.”

“Do you think he will ever talk to us about it?”

“I don’t know. In spite of everything we say, he’s not really our family. He’s not our friend. He looks after us, but that doesn’t mean it’s a two-way relationship.”

They both stay very silent for a long time. Then Simon says: “Nobody deserves to be unhappy, but I think that Adisa particularly deserves to be happy. Surely when you give so much to people, the universe should give back, not take away.”

Bram moves in the bed to properly snuggle against Simon. He doesn’t have anything to reply to that. Death is awful. It is the one thing he can’t believe has a purpose. When he is told that it’s all in God’s plan, Bram can’t believe that God created a specific death for everyone behind some mysterious reason that can’t be clear to humankind. Bram believes in free will, not in a controlling God. But that also means that he doesn’t believe that God, or the universe, will suddenly change the balance of your life if you have been hit by enough tragedies.

It’s a depressing thought, so he focuses on something else. He thinks back to all the times he saw Adisa smile, be happy, be wonderful. There have been loads of those moments. Maybe he is happy in spite of what happened to him.

Bram feels both privileged and lucky to have met Adisa. Not just because he rescued them from a bunch of bullies, not just because he guided, and keeps guiding, them through big and small issues, not just because he helped Simon forgive him, not just because he is like a Gay Santa, not just because he is always there to listen, not just… actually, that list could go on forever.

Bram is also amazed by how much Adisa just… _gets him_. Sometimes, it is just because he listens so well. Sometimes, however, Bram doesn’t know how he saw, understood or guessed that much about him. Like that day after his birthday when he took him to dinner and, just like he did with Simon, he took him to an adult shop. Bram could have died of embarrassment when they walked in, but it turned out that, although some things in there were really not for him, nothing Adisa told him or showed him was embarrassing or wild. Actually, Bram even felt more relaxed and confident after that. He left that place with the idea that good sex was just that: what felt good. Whether other people would judge it as plain, kinky, too extreme, or not enough, sexuality should be explored in the limits of what two people are happy and comfortable doing together and that, whatever those boundaries might be, it was neither wrong, nor something no one else does.

“Love? Can I ask you something?”

“Is it another What-if?”

“No, it’s not. It’s going to seem like an odd change of subject, but I promise you there was a logical path to there in my mind.”

“Sure, go for it.”

“Do you remember your birthday?”

“You’re going to ask about the toy, aren’t you?”

Is Bram really that predictable? “Well, we never talked about it. It’s fine if you don’t want to, it’s just… I really wonder what he picked for you.”

“Why? Wait… did you get something as well on your birthday? You _did!_ Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Probably the same reason you didn’t. Because it says something about me that I didn’t want to admit at the time.”

Simon shifts them both so they can face each other. “It gets me very intrigued about what he got you,” he replies. Does Simon really not want to talk to Bram about it? Just as Bram is about to drop the subject, Simon continues: “You know, I never actually thought about it that way. About it being more about telling me something about me than… getting me the object. But of course, you’re right. You’re always right. I think it means that if we went now, he would get me something else.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… back in November was still when I had this block in my head and I thought that I was a top and that was it. Anyway, we were in that shop and I was both excited because of the sense of novelty and taboo, but also ready to die of embarrassment. Then we had a chat that was probably very similar to the one you had with him and after a moment we ended up in front of the dildo section and he joked about me needing one of those for when we’ll be apart. I think I just blushed harder than ever in my life and I mumbled something that – trust me – made no sense. But he saw right through my embarrassment, picked one from the shelf, which let me tell you is creepily very detailed, and he told me that I could always use it on you someday, but that he thought I might want to do some ‘self-discovery’ and reconsider. I don’t know… I think he knew that whether I was a bottom or not should be dictated by what I am physically into rather than because I freaked out.”

You know you shouldn’t do things you’re not comfortable with, right?”

“Of course, I know that. But it wasn’t like that. I was stuck in this weird place where I really wanted to try again, but I was also terrified of it. That didn’t feel like something I shouldn’t explore, it just… I don’t know how to properly explain it.”

“It’s fine. I understand. So… did you?”

“Did I what?” Simon asks, visibly confused.

“Do some ‘self-discovery’.”

“Oh.” Simon blushes hard and that is an answer in itself. “Would you be upset if I did?”

“Why would I be upset? Listen… if you ever ditch me to… _take things in your own hands_ … I’d probably be a bit upset. But it’s not what happened. I love when we discover things together, but I understand that there are things you might want to explore on your own first. Besides, Fall will be there soon enough and we have to be fine with each other having… solitary releases.”

Simon looks at Bram with an amused smile. “What a convoluted way to say that you’re fine with me jerking off when you’re not there.”

Bram puts is hand on Simon’s mouth. “Don’t say it like that.”

Simon pulls Bram’s hand away. “Okay, so… I was afraid of something I actually wanted. What did Adisa tell you about your sex life?” Bram feels a bit embarrassed, but he can’t chicken out now. Not when he brought this up, now when Simon honestly shared with him when it clearly wasn’t his plan. Simon seems to pick up on that because he suggests: “Do you want to show me before explaining?” Then his face lights up: “Is it in your drawer of fun?”

“It is.” Bram sighs and reached to open said drawer and scavenges through the lube and the now abandoned condoms to find Adisa’s gift that contrary to Simon, Bram hasn’t used yet, although it has been coming back to his mind more than once.

Simon’s eyebrows raise slightly in surprise when Bram hands the gift out to him. “Handcuffs?” He says puling on each end. “That’s very you.”

“No, it’s not,” Bram counters.

“Alright, let me guess myself. Adisa told you that it was okay to let go and be kinky?”

“Not really. He told me that it was okay to want to take control if you trusted me enough to let me do that.”

“Babe… why did you sound apologetic just now?” Simon sits up and Bram mirrors him. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you until you hear me. I’m not afraid of that side of you that likes to be in charge in the bedroom. It even turns me on. If I’m being completely honest, I think I have very vanilla limits, and I am _so not_ ready to try any real BDSM stuff. But handcuffs? That seems pretty harmless. I’d let you tie me up.”

Once more, Bram is surprised to see how fine Simon is with things that Bram struggles with. “Won’t you feel like… I don’t know… I respect you less because of that?”

“What? No. Why? Will you respect me less?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why would I feel like that? Babe, seriously, you overthink things.”

“We’re not the best at just going for things, are we?”

“True,” Simon agrees leaning back on his elbows. “So I think we need to stop thinking and start doing. Let’s christen this gift of yours.”

“Now?”

“Why not?” Bram could probably come up with tens of reasons, but he doesn’t really want to. Especially after Simon adds: “If you don’t do it, _I_ might have to tie _you_ up.”

“I’d let you do that,” Bram answers. It’s not like that thought hadn’t crossed his mind too. Bram also enjoys very much when Simon takes charge.

“But you want the other one more,” Simon says. It’s not a question, it’s not a judgment, it’s just Simon knowing Bram well enough to read him like a book right now. Plus, it’s not like this whole conversation and the images It created in his mind hadn’t make Bram hard already.

“Take your top off,” Bram finally caves. Not that he needed much convincing.

Bram closes his bedroom door – no one is home, but still – and when he turns around, Simon is still resting back on his elbows but he is now bare-chested.

Within a second, Bram is on top of Simon, kissing him desperately. Simon’s response is just as passionate and Bram understands that they both want this just as much. Simon lies back and his hands are on the back of Bram’s thighs, moving slowly up, lingering on his ass, and finding their way under his t-shirt.

That’s when Bram grabs both Simon’s wrists and puts them above his head. “Are you sure, Love?” Simon nods and Bram handcuffs Simon’s hands to the new – amazing – headboard. “Is it comfortable?”

Simon moves his arms and shoulder a bit, testing the limits, then says “Very.”

“Did you know,” Bram starts asking running softly his tongue on Simon’s bottom lip, “that you have over a million nerve endings in your lips alone?”

“I didn’t,” Simon answers in a breath. He is getting worked up and Bram loves it.

Bram’s hands move down Simon’s trousers and unbutton them. Then he lets his mouth and tongue travel from Simon’s lips to his jaw, neck, chest, stops at the bellybutton to undress Simon entirely. Bram can feel Simon’s eyes on him the entire time and for a second, he wishes the roles were reversed. That he could watch Simon take care of him, powerless to participate. Another time.

Bram kisses Simon’s legs up. Simon whimpers when he reaches the groin, but Bram doesn’t stop on his way up. “Are you enjoying this?” he asks softly in Simon’s ear.

“Yes.”

“Are you mine?” The words slip his mouth on their own and Bram almost wants to take them back. But Simon turns his head to look at him and his grey eyes are nothing but love and mischief. A combination Bram adores.

“I might need a bit of convincing,” Simon teases.

“Oh? Then again, you are a bit powerless right now. I could mark you as mine right now.”

Simon’s mischievous spark gets brighter. “Go on, then.” Bram is slightly surprised, but he is more than happy to oblige and covers Simon’s chest in love bites. When Simon’s breath gets irregular, Bram sits up and takes his own t-shirt off. The way Simon looks at him when he does so covers Bram in goosebumps. Bram finishes getting naked, purposely making a show of it.

“Are you still comfortable?” Bram asks putting some lube on his fingers. Simon vaguely hums positively, eyes clearly mesmerized by Bram’s hand who gets down to seize Simon and starts stroking him, making him pant more than breathe. “What am I going to do with you?” Bram asks. Simon doesn’t reply, head already buried in his stretched arm, exposing his neck.

Bram’s lips make their way to it, more careful than he was on his chest – they do not mark each other where parents might see.

There, half-lying on his boyfriend, Bram knows what he wants to do and wraps the two of them in his hand. Simon makes eye contact with him instantly. They haven’t done that in a while but he knows it’s still amongst Simon’s favorites.

They both start thrusting and Bram covers his boyfriend’s face and neck with kisses as he watches him get lost and undone in the pleasure.

Bram completely freezes when he hears the front door open. His mother is back in the house. His brain quickly makes a list of pros and cons. He knows that she won’t come to check on him if the door is closed, but that she will also know what’s happening in there. Sort of. Hopefully, just sort of. Should they just stop there?

“Please don’t,” Simon begs under him as if he understood what Bram was thinking, and his voice alone outweighs all of the cons.

“Are you going to be quiet?” Bram playfully but seriously asks.

“I’ll be the best I’ve ever been,” Simon ensures with something very lustful in his voice, moving his hips up slightly. Bram starts moving with him and they both make eye-contact till the end, until Simon has to almost bite his own biceps to cover the sound of his orgasm.

Bram collapses on Simon a couple of seconds later and looks at the older boy’s messy hair and flushed cheeks. He really wants to take things further. “Do you want to keep playing?” he asks.

“I would _love_ to keep playing,” Simon answers. “But I think we pushed our luck already.”

True. They haven’t heard Bram’s mom come this way yet, and they might still be able to pretend that the door has been open the entire time. “You’re right,” Bram sighs. “Let me get the keys.”

 

 


	38. The first time Simon told the story of Jacques and Blue

**Simon**

 

Simon has always valued family time. Even when they did activities he knew other families weren’t doing like Facebook Scavenger or Bachelor Night. Actually, especially in those moments, because he knew it was what made his family unique. But right now, as they are playing ‘Guess the end of the Google Autocomplete’, Simon is struggling to be in the moment. He is so easily distracted recently. Thinking about next year, sometimes excited, sometimes terrified, thinking about this town he loves and he is leaving behind, thinking about Bram…

Bram… Simon wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night with an uneasy feeling in his stomach and he can only go back to sleep when he has checked that Bram’s last message was a positive one. He is terribly afraid that they are going to have a fight next year and that they won’t be able to get through it because of the distance. All the fights they had, they were able to solve them because they were able to talk things through, face to face, touch and then embrace each other. What will happen next year when they can’t do that?

“Bub, are you with us?”

Simon reports his attention to his sisters. It’s late, they are in the hotel room the three of them share in Miami – their parents are next door – and like every night, they play a game before going to bed. Like every night, Simon’s focus span is not the best. “Is it my turn?”

“Have you even been listening?”

“Not really. Sorry.”

“You do know that you’re going to see Bram in ten days, right?” Nora asks. “ _And_ you spoke with him this morning.”

“I wasn’t thinking about Bram,” Simon lies. I was just worrying about college.” Alright, it’s half a lie, now.

“It’s going to be fine,” Alice promises. “The first week is a bit terrifying, but it’s also new and exciting, and then you develop habits, routine and bit by bit places that were unknown become your new home. You’ll see. Plus, you’re going to meet tons of people who share your interests and you are going to make great friends.”

“I’m the one who should be nervous about next year,” Nora counters. I’ll be left home with Mom analyzing my mood every five seconds and Dad making jokes about how life is nice with less children.”

“Fewer,” Simon corrects mechanically.

“Bram has a terrible influence on you,” Nora replies.

“Yeah, who knew that Simon would score a smart and athletic boyfriend?” Alice asks.

“Part of me is very offended, but I would mainly like to remind you that until I scored said boyfriend, none of you thought that I would score a _boy_ friend.”

“Fair enough,” Alice laughs. “Still… I’ve seen the two of you together and you are ridiculously cute together, but I wouldn’t have picked him in the crowd for you.”

“I don’t think anyone would have picked me for him either.”

“I would have picked Garrett for him,” Nora comments. Simon sorts of understand where she is coming from, but it is still the weirdest idea ever. “And for you, I would have picked someone who shares your interest. Someone in your drama club, maybe.”

“Like Martin?” Simon jokes.

“Obviously not.”

“Why did you pick Bram?” Alice asks. “Apart from the obvious.”

Simon likes the fact that his sisters find his boyfriend good looking. “I don’t think I did, actually. I think he picked me.”

“And you just went along with it?” Alice asks.

“He dated girls,” Nora reminds her. “I don’t think he’s the best at saying no when someone asks him out.”

“Shut up, it wasn’t like that… I actually went after him… I think… it’s complicated.” And it is. Simon answered Blue’s post but Blue sent the first email. Bram had a thing for Simon, but Simon was the one who wanted to take things offline. Bram gave Simon the t-shirt, but Simon put his heart on the line without seeing the note. Simon asked to hold hands, but Bram took him to the best ever lunch. Simon kissed Bram, but Bram asked to be boyfriends. Did any of them pursue the other more or did they just spiral together until they collided?

“How is it complicated? Who asked the other out?” Actually, even that depends if they mean the carnival or their first date.”

“Girls, I need to tell you a story. Do you remember when Martin outed me?”

“Duh,” Nora replies. “You can’t really forget someone being trash like that.”

“And you remember that I told you that he had been blackmailing me?” His sisters nod. “Well, he wasn’t just blackmailing _me_.” And Simon finally tells them the full story of Jacques and Blue. From that first post to that rainy lunch. Well… he leaves some parts out.

Alice and Nora ask a lot of questions and Simon is happy to not have told them earlier: they would have built a wrong image of Bram in their head, the way he sort of did too. Blue isn’t really Bram.

At the end of the story, Nora lies on her back and snorts. “How am I supposed to keep being skeptical about love when our parents are the cliché of the perfect Hollywood romance and Simon’s story with Bram is even cheesier than we expected.” She looks at Alice who is about to talk. “Oh don’t. Until Theo dumps you, you’re not allowed to speak either.”

“Why would Theo dump me?”

“Because apparently, in our family, we are programmed to fall in love forever.”

“You’re being dramatic over nothing,” Simon comments. “You sound like Leah.

Nora smiles. “I’ve been called worse.”

“I still have one question, though,” Alice says. “Why on Earth would you pick dad’s name as your alias?”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“The French version. Close enough.” Simon’s mouth falls open in shock. He never connected those dots before. And thanks to Alice, he won’t ever be able to un-see it now. Bram is smart and pays attention to words. There is no way he didn’t notice. Did that freak him out? Apparently not enough to break up with Simon, but still… it’s so weird. Who does that? “Wait… had you not notice?”

“No! I chose it because of ‘Simon says’…”

“Wow, how witty and smart,” Nora teases. “I can see why Bram I-Made-It-Into-Columbia Greenfeld had a thing for you!”

“Columbia,” Alice whispers dreamily. “It’s very impressive.”

“I know. I’m very proud of him.” Both his sisters smile softly, and Simon thinks that Nora isn’t quite a Leah yet. “Do you think I’m an idiot?” Simon asks.

“For not getting into Columbia?”

“No… Well… I didn’t mean that, but thanks for the confidence boost.”

“What for, then, Bub?”

“For turning down NYU and going to Chicago?”

“Anyone who willingly moves to Chicago is an idiot,” Nora replies.

“Boop, you’re not helping. Listen, most people have to choose between their relationship and their education. I would say that it’s smarter to choose your education, but everyone is different and to be fair, NYU is a good school. But if you think that you can have the right school _and_ keep the boy, isn’t that the obvious choice?”

“What if I don’t like Chicago that much?”

“Then you can always transfer somewhere else. Look, even if you love Chicago, it’s not forever. Or maybe it is. No one can tell you if you and Bram will make it, but you could also break up while living in the same city. Whichever choice you make, there will always be someone to second guess it. Are you excited about your course?”

“Very.”

“Are you looking forward to moving to Illinois?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Do you trust Bram?”

“I do.”

“Then you’re not a fool. You picked what you think was the best decision for the two of you and now you just have to wait and see if you were correct.”

Simon nudges her knee. “You’re very wise.”

She nudges him back. “Always after one a.m.”

 

 


	39. The first time they had to say goodbye

**Bram**

 

As much as Bram would have liked to stay in summer forever, the days passed, much faster than he thought they would, pushing them step by step to the ineluctable separation. Even in their last week together, they pretended that they had all the time in the world.

But they didn’t, and they don’t. Bram leaves in twelve hours. He glances at the clock. Two a.m. Alright, eleven hours. He is driving to New York with Garrett and his dad. Simon will fly to Chicago in a week or so.

Bram wraps his arms tighter around Simon who is apparently still awake because he hugs him back.

For Bram’s last night in Georgia, Simon came over. They spent the evening with Bram’s mom, Simon worrying about stealing some ‘Bram time’ from her. Still, they went to bed early. They had sex three times. The first one was hormones. The second was love. The third time was an almost desperate need to hold on to one another.

Bram knows he should get some sleep. He cannot, though. Not only does he not want to waste any minute with Simon, he also has so many thoughts spiraling in his head, refusing to order themselves. He is leaving tomorrow – later today, really – for the most exciting city in the world. Is the quiet Georgian boy really ready for that? Should he not have applied to an Ivy school in a quieter place? And Columbia… is Bram really smart enough for this challenge? Simon would say yes, but Simon always saw Bram for more than he really is. Bram knows it will be a challenge, and he actually looks forward to that part. As long as he can overcome the challenge in the end.

He is also nervous about having to meet new people and make new friends. Bram has never been very good at that. When he moved here, he met Garrett, who decided they should be friends, and it turned out that the two of them were the perfect platonic match. Bram was friendly to a lot of people, but he made one friend. Then there was Jacques, Simon, and his friends sort of became Bram’s as well. Though if he is entirely honest, the list of people he is really close to and that he knows will stay in his life long term are Simon, Garrett and maybe Nick. That’s how much of a people’s person Bram is. What if he can’t make friends there?

Bram shakes that idea. He will make friends. Maybe not close friends, but he will make friends. And it won’t be lonely. Garrett will be there. Not in the same school, but in the same city. They will make time for each other. They will be there for each other.

And then there is feeding himself. Can he actually cook? Could he afford eating out for most meals? And what about laundry?

“You’re spiraling,” Simon comments.

“How would you know that?”

“I just know you.”

“I’m not spiraling. I’m just thinking.”

Simon cups Bram’s face and forces him to make eye-contact. “Don’t lie to me, Abraham.”

Bram smiles and feels his body relax. Simon has that effect on him.

“How am I going to get through next year without you?”

“But you won’t be without me. We’ll call, text, email, FaceTime, Snapchat, Instagram, even Facebook.”

“Some of them can’t just be used as verbs.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Perfect Grammar, it was effective communication, so I’m allowed.”

Bram kisses Simon. He has this odd feeling. Simon is there, he’s right there, but Bram misses him already. “The first thing I packed,” Bram says, “is the survival kit you gave me for my birthday. Every single item. They are perfect, but I also expect that they will keep me sane. Especially that picture.”

Simon smiles, a bit flustered. “I still can’t believe I printed that.”

“I still can’t believe how great your ass looks on it. I mean… I can, because I’ve seen it for real, but it’s going to keep me warm during the cold winter nights.”

“Stop it. But on that same note, the packing, not my ass, I have already packed all the noted you gave me for my birthday starting the day I move.”

“You could just open them and be done with it,” Bram says.

“No, I could not. The first thing I do every morning is read a reason why you love me, and it just makes me happier.” This melts Bram’s heart and he snuggles against Simon. His fingers start massaging Bram’s scalp and neck, gently dissolving any tension.

“If you keep doing that, I’ll fall asleep,” Bram warns.

“It’s nearly three in the morning. You should sleep.”

“Or I should stay awake and keep talking to my boyfriend, whom I am going to miss so much, so soon.”

“Bram, you have a long journey tomorrow. You should sleep. Besides, we’ll always want more time. It won’t ever feel enough. Just sleep. If we don’t sleep, we’ll just sleep all morning, and I’d love to share one last breakfast with you.”

“You’re staying till lunch, right?”

“I’m staying until Garrett pulls you off me,” Simon promises. Bram can live with that. He obeys and let Simon massage all the worries away, slowly sinking into sleep.

 

The next morning feels like a blur. Bram, his mother, and Simon pretend that they are not sad, acting as if it were any normal day. It’s not. It’s the days Bram leaves everything he knows behind. It feels much bigger than last time. Probably because his mom won’t be by his side this time. This time, he is leaving with Garrett, who will be equally lost.

Still, he will have Garrett. Bram is incredibly proud of Simon’s courage, doing it on his own, clearly more excited than scared by the whole thing.

 

Garrett and his dad arrive just before noon to have lunch with them. Bram knows that Mr. Laughlin must be heartbroken about sending Garrett to college. He has no other children and he is now divorced. For him more than most, it is going to be a lonely time. Yet, he is the most smiley one, talking about how fantastic the college experience can be in one’s life and how lucky the boys are to experience life in New York City.

On their way there, they will be stopping in Charlotte to spend the night at Garrett’s aunt’s place, then they’ll spend a day in Washington, and finally New York. Mr. Laughlin will stay for three days, help the boys settle down, discover their new surroundings, and act like tourists while it’s still sort of what they are. He said that he’ll even take the boys for a game, they just have to pick the sport.

Bram is so grateful for him taking the time to do that. It will make the transition so much smoother.

Bram’s dad offered to join, but Bram knows it’s a busy time for him and he is actually looking forward to spending time with Me Laughlin. Not that he phrased it like that to his dad, especially now that the two of them are doing better. His dad calls more often, asks questions about Bram’s life and listens. He even asked about Garrett. Though this one might have come from Stacey. Baby steps.

 

And because time stops for nothing and no one, it is soon time to load the car with Bram’s boxes and suitcase. This feels oddly solemn. This is it. Bram leaving home is not in the future anymore. It is now.

When they finish loading the car, Garrett and his dad go back inside for a last-minute ‘bathroom break’. What they are really doing is giving Bram and Simon a bit of space to say goodbye.

Simon looks up, apparently not sure what to do or what to say. Bram doesn’t know how to tell Simon how he feels and everything he wished he’d say before, so he pulls him in for a tight hug instead.

“I don’t think I’m ready for this,” Simon whispers, voice weak and unsteady. “Not even for you.” Simon’s use of their old catchphrase erases all of Bram’s strength. Just like that, he’s not ready anymore. He needs more time. How much would be enough? Will he ever be ready to let go of Simon?

Is it too late to ask Simon to come with him? Of course, it is. And it wouldn’t be fair. But Bram desires this more than anything else before. Take Simon with him, move in with a dorm with him, just be happy forever. It is a childish silly thought, but he cannot silence it.

So he puts his lips on Simon’s instead and pins his boyfriend against the car, almost roughly. The kiss deepens for a moment before Simon breaks it. “You should go,” he whispers again. “Before we end up doing it against Garrett’s dad’s car.”

Bram has a weird choked up laugh. “I’ll call you tonight.”

“You’ll be tired, you won’t be there yet, you’ll have company… it can wait until you’re there.”

“I’ll call you tonight,” Bram certifies again.

Simon has a crooked sad smile. “I’ll be waiting by the phone.”

 

“Are you okay?” Garrett asks after the car turned right and it’s impossible to see Simon or Bram’s mom anymore.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Can we please not talk about it?” Bram really doesn’t want to talk about it now. He wants to talk about how great this trip is going to be, how amazing the upcoming year will be, how limitless the possibilities are right now. He wants Garrett to make the silly jokes he is so good at, he wants Mr. Laughlin to share his positive mood like he does so well, and he refuses to start getting emotional twenty seconds into a thousand miles journey.

However hard, it is going to be fine. There is no need to be sad. He will be apart from Simon, but they are not breaking up. They will see each other for Thanksgiving. It’s barely two months away. Simon’s hotel room ticket safely stored in Bram’s suitcase.

 

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, being reunited will be incredible.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for the high school part of this story. Told you it would be before chapter 40!
> 
> I already know where the story is going to go next, but it's a big mess and I have to put everything in order before I start, so it might be longer than usual before I update this story again. I'll try to keep it short, but I want to at least have the skeleton of the university part fully done before I start fleshing it out (that is a disgusting metaphor).
> 
> Please don't lose interest in the meantime! :)


	40. The first time Simon called Bram from Chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have roughly planned the next four years and I even wrote the actual last chapter of this story just to know where I was heading toward.  
> The next couple of chapters are going to feel like fillers a bit because I need to set their new lives before something can actually happen in them. Hopefully, it won't be too boring :)

**Simon**

 

Simon looks around at his new dorm room. This will be his life for the next year. He thinks he will be happy here. He is so excited about orientation, registration, classes, meeting people… He literally cannot wait for his new life to start.

His parents wanted to fly with him, but Simon thought it would have been a waste of time and money. He was welcomed at the airport by a second-year student that Simon had been talking to online for a couple of weeks as part of a university mentoring program he joined. Trevor – that’s his name – showed Simon around campus and tomorrow, he will help him with some admin tasks before showing him around the city.

Simon just finished unpacking (okay, some stuff are just a pile in the cupboard), and he even made his bed. Anything to occupy his time until he knows Bram will be back to his dorm and available to talk.

 

Bram picks up after the first tone. “Hi, Love. How’s Chicago?”

“Big and unknown,” Simon replies.

“I love how hopeful you sound about that. New York is big and unknown, but I find it mildly terrifying.”

“Still struggling to adapt?” Simon asks, a bit worried.

“No, not really. I am getting used to my new immediate environment and I will tame my expanded environment step by step.” There is some self-mockery in Bram’s tone and Simon reads it has a good sign. “Yesterday, Garrett took me to an event for LGBT students.”

“Garrett took you there?”

“He said I need to expand my gay butterfly wings and fly now that I’m not in Creekwood anymore.”

“That sounds like a Garrett thing to say. How was it?”

“I don’t know. I might sound like a buzzkill, but… it’s not because we have the same orientation that I am going to get along with people.”

“It’s not just about that,” Simon counters. “It’s about being with people that understand what you’re going through.”

“Tim said that.”

“And who might Tim be?” Simon asks.

“Another gay kid that happens to be on my course. I guess we have two things in common now. He was nice. I told him I would give the group a go and keep going to events for a while. His boyfriend was there too. He goes to NYU and he bonded with Garrett over how nerdy Columbia people are.”

“So Tim and his boyfriend are you and me if I made a less selfish choice?”

“Your choice wasn’t selfish. It was sensible. And I don’t think they’re like us. I think we’re better.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah… Being called a nerd is something I don’t mind from Garrett, but I wouldn’t like you to tease me for being academic. And Tim teased him back for not getting into an Ivy league, which was clearly a joke, but still made me a bit uneasy. I guess I want a different type of connection and things to laugh about with a boyfriend and friends. I’m not judging their relationship, they seem super happy. It’s just not what I would be into.”

“Yeah, I get that. Just so you know, I love that you’re an academic nerd. It’s one of the reasons I fell for you.”

Simon can hear in Bram’s pause that he doesn’t know how to reply to the compliment. So Simon is not really surprised when Bram changes the subject: “People kept assuming that Garrett and I were together.”

“Which is only partially wrong,” Simon teases. “Did you make other friends other than Tim and… whatever his boyfriend is called?”

“Miller. I wouldn’t say I made friends, but I talked to a few people. Including this very odd girl who told me that I was _so_ _lucky_ to be black, gay, and not just catholic because it made up for the fact that I am a boy. And then when she realized that Garrett was not my boyfriend, she called him a basic cis male. Which was completely surreal, for everyone around."

“What did Garrett say?”

“You know Garrett. He took his offended face and replied that there was nothing basic about himself. I was actually impressed that he knows what cis means.”

“I don’t know how to tell you that, Babe, but Garrett is more woke than you. You’re the conservative one in your relationship.”

Bram laughs, eight hundred miles from there. “That’s probably right. Then I talked to a girl who told me all about her messy coming out and… I don’t know. I think, in the end, we were quite lucky. I know you were outed and that it seriously sucked, but at least we had our families on our sides. Sorry, it’s probably not where you wanted this conversation to go.”

“I’m happy with the conversation to go anywhere. I just wanted to talk to you. I’d be happy to discuss different brands of toasts if that was with you.”

“I really hope that my first adventures in the real gay world were more interesting than comparing toasts.”

“It was. I’m happy you’re making friends and you’re meeting new people, and I’m also happy we’ll get to hang out with more gay people our own age. I mean, sure, Leah is bi, but I think that it’s different being attracted to something and having experienced it. And I love Adisa, but he’s friends with your mom, and he’s got all his shit already figured out. It’s not the same, you know?”

“I do. I think today was a bit hard for me because you know how I am with new people, but I am really going to stick with it for a bit. I don’t know if I want to really commit to it as I’m not sure I want to specifically attach myself to an LGBT group for the sake of it, and I don’t want me being gay to define me, but is a part of me and as you said, these people get it. There definitely was a sense of community.”

“Don’t worry, Babe, you’ll still have your basic cis male friend to remind you that you’re not _just_ gay.”

“I don’t know about that. It was like Pride. He was having much more fun than me.”

Before Bram, Simon didn’t really pay attention to Garrett. But he must admit that he loves the guy and the way he embraces everything and everyone. He loves the bond he has with Bram and he doesn’t feel threatened by it anymore. Actually, he is so grateful that Garrett is in New York, taking care of Bram for Simon, just as he promised he would.

“But enough about me. What about you. How was your flight? How is your dorm? Have you met your roommate?”

“Woah, woah. Calm down. One question at a time. The flight was fine. I don’t really like flying because you spend more time waiting than anything else, and after you’re tired when you’ve done nothing. Plus, I had this weird anxious energy the entire time. But then I arrived, Trevor was as nice as he was online and the drive to the campus was amazing. Just… seeing that new skyline, spotting the Willis tower… It really felt like starting a new chapter. Just like you said when you arrived in New York. My dorm is fine. I’m unpacked. I’ve even made my bed. Are you proud?”

“Very!” Bram replies with a hint of a smile but no trace of irony.

“And I haven’t met my roommate. His side of the room is empty, so I guess I’m the first one here. What about you? Has your roommate arrived?”

“Yes, yesterday. You are never going to believe this, but I think that he is more of a neat freak than me and he might be more studious. I don’t think he likes people either. He mentioned that he wanted a single room but that didn’t happen. He’s just… me but worse.”

“You mean a you who wouldn’t have met Garrett?”

“That sounds both offensive and true,” Bram concedes. “But anyway, I’ve been here for a week now.”

“How does that feel?”

“Like one less week until I see you.”

Simon feels a bit of his heart-melting. “I miss you too,” he replies to Bram’s unformulated statement. Then they stay silent for a few moments, enjoying each other’s distant company.

“Babe…” Simon starts again after a while, “my sisters told me something the other day and it just won’t leave my mind. Have you ever noticed that my email name is a version of my dad’s name?”

“I did. I have been trying to ignore it since I met your dad. Love, honestly… I keep being amazed at how many tiny details you can notice, and then you are so oblivious to the biggest things…” Bram laughs happily. “But, wait… does that mean you talked about Jacques and Blue to your sisters?”

Simon feels a bit nervous suddenly. “Yeah… was I not supposed to?”

“What? No. I’m not ashamed of how we found each other. I’m actually happy you still think of it at something worth telling.”

“Are you kidding? I think it is the most telling-worthy thing that happened in my life.”

“When people ask us how we met, we can always say school or online, but we’ll always know that we’re far less boring.”

“You and I will never be boring,” Simon declares.

“Never,” Bram agrees. Simon hears some noise on the other side of the phone. “Garrett just walked in like it’s his dorm too,” Bram explains.

“Hey, it took me ages to get here. The least you could do is pretend you’re happy to see me, even if I interrupted your kinky phone sex,” Garrett’s muted voice says.

“Simon, wait a minute, I need to kick Garrett out and then I’m yours.”

“No, that’s fine. I’m actually a bit tired. Call you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Usual time?”

“Usual time!”

 

 


	41. The first time they had phone sex

**Bram**

 

It’s late and it’s cold. New York is definitely colder than Atlanta. Enough to make Bram worry about the winters. He has seen the city covered in snow in movies and series and he wonders if it is actually that bad in real life. He also wonders how easily he will adapt to that.

Right now, though, Bram wouldn’t be able to feel the cold. He made a point to stay on shape now that he is not on a team anymore and every Tuesday night, he meets with Garrett in Central Park for a run. The least he can say is that Garrett is not getting softer, and he is not giving Bram any slack either.

So Bram is very sweaty when he walks into his dorm. His roommate looks at him when he enters the room and gives him a mix of disapproving and impressed look. It’s a look that Bram had never seen anyone do before.

“How many miles?”

“Five.”

Same impressed but disapproving look. As if Eddy wished he was that sporty but still thought that Bram should spend more time on schoolwork. Bram thinks that, maybe, he will have to keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn’t break under pressure on his first term of college.

“Are you going to the talk tonight?” Eddy asks. He had mentioned that to Bram once or twice. A speaker is coming to the university to talk to third-year students. It does sound interesting, and Bram almost decided to go, but it’s a yearly thing, and it will be mandatory for him in two years anyway, so he decided to pass on it.

“No, I’ll go when I’m in third year.”

“It might be useful to go twice.”

“I feel like we have enough first-year stuff to deal with at the moment,” Bram replies, taking clean comfy clothes and a towel. “Plus, I told Simon I would call him tonight.”

“You ring him a lot.”

“Well, he is my boyfriend.”

“Don’t you think he will impact your education?” Bram could almost picture his dad saying Eddy’s words. “I know you’re smart, but this is _Columbia_. We’re all smart. We can’t just wing it anymore.” Bram doesn’t exactly remember ‘winging’ high school, he worked hard for what he got. And he is going to continue to work hard. He is simply not going to let school be the only thing his life is. He is especially not going to stress about it so soon. Bram knows how he can be. He could let this whole thing swallow him up if he isn’t careful. Like Eddy. Maybe Simon had a point. Maybe Eddy is just a Bram who didn’t meet the right people.

“Don’t worry about me,” Bram concludes heading for the shower. “I’m doing just fine.”

Eddy just shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.

 

 

Simon picks up almost as soon as Bram dialled, as if he was waiting by his phone. “Hi, Babe.”

Bram chuckles lightly as Simon’s enthusiasm. “Hey, you. I’m sorry I was so busy the last two days. How are things?”

“Don’t worry. We knew we wouldn’t really be able to talk _every day_ for the entire year. Plus, I loved your texts. They truly brightened my day. But, yeah, things are good. I haven’t had to bother Trevor with any stupid question in a week, so I guess I’m getting settled.”

“Did you have to bother him with smart questions?”

“Nope, not even one of those. How’s your roommate?”

“As intense as ever. I mean… he’s fine. He’s quiet, he’s studious, so it’s really what I need. And he might be judgemental enough to keep me on track. What about your roommate?”

“Still not here. You know I was starting to worry about him and I kept work, notes, and assignments for him until I realized that thinking we were on the same course just because we share a room was just Simon Logic. I even asked. He’s not a performing arts student.”

Bram smiles softly. Oblivious but caring Simon is so endearing. He would love to be with him right now and just put a kiss on his lips. “That was still very kind of you.”

“Yeah, well… at least I’m a nice idiot. Anyway. I just wonder if he’ll ever show up. I hope we’ll get along.”

“I’m sure you will. Everybody loves you.”

“That’s not true. You just see it like that because we’re together, but I’m still a nerdy boy. Just a different kind from you.”

“You’re in drama school. You’re all nerds.”

“Well, sort of. You’re in Columbia, where you’re all smart nerds. Whereas here, there are departments of non-nerds. And, again, he’s not a drama student.”

“I’m sure it’s going to be fine,” Bram repeats. “Anyway, worrying about it now won’t change the future. How was the play?” Simon has to go watch a play at least once a fortnight and submit notes on it. This week, Simon was excited as a recent graduate from his course was in the play.

“Oh, it was great. I had never seen or read anything from Brecht before, and I knew it was going to be somewhat political, but it was great. Also, I like that it was set in Chicago. Have you read that play?”

“I have.”

“Of course. Stupid question. My smart boyfriend, who is interested in literature _and_ history would have read that play at some point. Maybe when we see each other again, we could see a play together and discuss it? I’m sure it would boost my notes.”

“Maybe not next time.”

“Why not?”

“It will be thanksgiving, Love, it will just be a couple of days with our family.”

“Right. I didn’t mean then. I meant whenever we’ll be able to visit each other,” Simon corrects himself.

“I would love that. There always are plays in New York, but I don’t really have time to go. It will be nice to make the time. And when I do come to Chicago, I don’t want to see the city. I want to see _your_ city. Share _your_ life. I’m pretty sure that means going to the theatre.”

“I can’t wait having you here,” Simon comments. “There are so many things I want to share with you. Not just on the phone, you know?”

“I do know. Same here. I don’t know… it feels like this can’t truly be my home until I can picture you in it.”

Simon is silent for a while on the other side of the phone. Bram doesn’t mind. He knows Simon is either trying to picture Bram in Chicago or to see himself in New York. Even without words, they are still connected right now. This reassures Bram every time. They are not losing their connection. Yes, he misses Simon every day, and it is indubitably different to share things on the phone and face to face. And yet, now he knows. For sure. Long-distance will not break them up.

“Did you go to the LGBT even this week?” Simon asks.

“No. It was nice to go without Garrett last time, a bit like pedaling without the stabilizers, you know? But I had too much work this week. I’m going next week with Tim, though.”

“I’m glad you’re making friends,” Simon comments on the other side of the line. There is no trace of jealousy in his voice and Bram loves it.

“Yeah. I’m thinking about joining another group. I don’t know what yet, just something different. I think that will calm my fear of focusing too much on my sexual orientation.”

“That’s fair enough. I think it’s exactly what we should be doing right now. Try a lot of things and see what we want to pursue or not.”

“We’re still talking about extracurriculars, right?” Bram asks, falsely insecure. Simon just laughs on the other side, understanding that he doesn’t need to properly answer that. “What about you? Are you making friends?”

“Yes and no. I talk to a lot of people, we share notes, I have lunch with people every day, but… I wouldn’t really call any of them my friend. I think it’s harder for me because, in high school, there was a clear line. I was friendly with everyone, but my real friends were at the lunch table. I grew up with Nick and Leah and they are the ones who added other people. I don’t know how to choose the people I need to connect to on my own, apparently.”

“You need to give it time.”

“I don’t think that’s what I need. I mean… You and I had time on that lunch table, you were delivered to me on a silver platter by Nick and Garrett, and I still almost missed out on you.”

“That was different. I never talked to you.”

“I know, but…”

“Simon, keep talking to people, keep being you, and you’ll see that things are going to happen naturally. You will start to spend more time with specific people and they will become your friends. You just have high standards because you were very close friends with Nick and Leah, and that takes time.”

“I guess so.”

“Are you lonely?” Bram asks, a bit worried. He needs Simon to be happy more than he needs to be happy himself.

“No, I’m really not. And if this is the best I get for the next four years, that’s fine.”

“Okay. As long as you’re happy.”

“I am. This year is going to be great!” Simon pauses before dreamily saying: “I still wish we were together, though.”

Bram almost replies that they _are_ together even though not physically, but he doesn’t. Simon doesn’t need to be reassured. He needs to share that little weight on his heart that Bram feels too. “I miss you too, Simon.”

“Bram?” On the phone, Simon usually calls him ‘Babe’. He only uses his name when he is going to be serious.

“What?”

“Do you regret it?”

“What?” Bram repeats.

“Staying together.”

“Not even for one minute,” he promises. “You?”

“I’d rather give up college than us,” Simon replies and even though it’s a ridiculous prospect, it warms Bram’s heart. “I don’t really need a degree to be a backup dancer anyway,” Simon jokes. “Or I could be a house-husband.”

“I’ve seen how you tidy your room,” Bram comments. "But I understand what you’re saying. Sometimes, I daydream about not going to classes and just driving to Chicago to hug you, even for five minutes. Smell your hair and feel whole again.”

“I think I would lose it if you just appeared out of the blue,” Simon comments. “But a hug sounds like heaven right now. Just feel your body against mine.”

Simon’s phrasing doesn’t make Bram want to hug Simon. his eyes dart to his closed door. Eddy shouldn’t be back for two more hours. Maybe now would be the time to try to push things out of the chaste conversations they’ve been having so far.

Bram is a bit nervous and self-conscious right now, and he is happy that they are on the phone rather than Face Timing or Skyping. He thinks seeing each other would be too big of a step for the first time exploring this. He actually doesn’t even know if Simon would be willing to do this. He thinks so, though, because Simon mentioned phone sex a couple of times before they actually left for college. He even admitted to Bram what happened after the email he sent Simon about enjoying thinking about him fantasizing about sex.

Sex seemed so far away then. The idea that this comment would work Simon up so much didn’t even cross his mind. He just hoped it would fluster him a bit just like Simon’s comment had flustered him.

But Bram doesn’t want to reminisce. He wants to be in the present, with Simon, hopefully getting some action back into their relationship. “A hug sounds nice. That’s not what I would like to do right now, though,” Bram says, putting more confidence in his voice than he really feels.

There is a pause on the line, then, “Oh?”

“No.” For some reason, that seems to be the extent of what Bram can do right now. He needs a bit of encouragement from Simon. Any sign that this is what he wants too.

Which Simon delivers: “What would you like to do to me?”

“It depends. Are you alone?”

“No, Babe. I’m about to have phone sex in the middle of the library.” Bram ignores the teasing. ‘Phone sex’. Simon said it. There it is. That’s definitely what’s they are doing now.

“Are you in your bed?” Bram asks in a low voice, ignoring Simon’s nervous joke.

“I am,” Simon replies softly, apparently back in the correct mindset.

“Then at first, I would just lie next to you. Kiss for a while. Take my time to make you want more.” However chaste this idea is, Bram can feel his body waking up somewhat. After all this time, holding hands with Simon would probably be enough to make him hard.

“I would want more pretty quickly,” Simon replies and Bram takes it as what it probably is: he does want more, right now.

“I think I would keep teasing you,” Bram continues. “Undressing you slowly with my teeth.” It seems like it would be very impractical in reality, but this isn’t about reality. This is about providing Simon with images that would turn him on.

“You would have to get naked too,” Simon comments.

“Would I?”

“Yeah. I want to feel your skin against mine.” Simon dropped the conditional. Bram is fine with that.

“And I want you to close your eyes right now,” Bram orders. “And imagine my lips traveling all over your skin, lingering in all your favorite places.” Bram can hear Simon’s breath hitch. Bram is properly hard now, picturing Simon melting under his kisses, and he hopes that Simon is too. “Put me on speaker, Love.” He knows Simon obeyed. He doesn’t want the phone to be in the way of what he wants Simon to do next. Bram does the same on his end. “Put your hand on your chest, Si. Keep your eyes closed and pretend it’s mine. Now let It travel all the way down. I want you to start touching yourself. Gently and slowly.”

Bram can tell from Simon’s breath when he gets there. Bram starts touching himself too. Just picturing Simon following his lead and getting undone from it would be enough to get him going. But the live sound adds a dimension that almost drives him crazy. Bram doesn’t need to see Simon. He knows his face off by heart, and he can tell what he looks like by the sounds he makes.

“Now I want you to keep touching yourself, slowly getting faster as I list all the things I want to do to you. Do you want that?”

“Yes,” Simon answers, voice clearly indicating that he’s very much enjoying himself already. “Yes, please.”

“Next time you’re in front of me, naked and giving yourself to me, I will truly start by kissing you everywhere. I will linger in that soft spot that always makes you moan. Long enough to mark you. Then I will take you in my mouth. I don’t even think I’ll do anything then. I’ll just let you take what you want.” This is actually something that keeps coming in Bram’s mind, late at night, lately. Doing that to Simon or Simon doing that. He can’t picture if that truly would be enjoyable, but the idea of it definitely turns him on, and he thinks he wants to try that. Given Simon’s moan on the phone, he would be fine with that.

“Simon, go faster now.” He hears Simon’s breathing change with his new rhythm. “As you’ll be getting close, I will put my fingers in you as well. This time, you’ll stay hard.” Bram is afraid for a second that this comment might unfocus Simon, that he might take it as the criticism it isn’t, but he groans, audibly aroused.

Simon is getting close. Which makes it harder for Bram to keep talking to him, to keep a coherent train of thoughts. Bram wants to tell Simon all about how he’s going to fuck him as soon as he has a chance, all the things he will do to the rest of his body while his fucking him, but he can’t. Because Simon is coming, at the same time far away in Chicago and just against Bram’s ear, and that’s enough to push Bram over the edge too.

After that, they both take time to catch their breath. Bram takes off the speaker mode and puts the phone back to his hear.

“Are you alright, Love?”

“Fine? I’m great. I really needed that.”

“By ‘that’, you mean…”

“Anything sexual that would be prompted by you. It felt amazing to just do what you asked while you were telling me all those dirty things. It was so hot. I’ll do that for you next time, if you want. Or now, if you need.”

“I’m fine for now. It was very hot too to hear you like that.”

“We both know you like to get bossy,” Simon teases. Bram chuckles. “You know what? I could really use a hug right now.”

“I know. Me too. I want to hold you until morning.”

“Two more months,” Simon comments.

“Less than that,” Bram corrects. “It will fly by, Love.”

“I don’t know. The first month did because everything was new and exciting.”

“And school will get intense, you’ll start working on your play, you’ll make friends… we’ll keep talking as often as we can. You know, keep our minds busy until we can be together body and mind.”

“I love you, Bram.”

“I love you more.”

“That’s not a thing.”

 

 


	42. The first time Simon met his roommate

**Simon**

 

Simon opens his dorm room and it takes him a couple of seconds to notice that something is different and a few more to pinpoint what. The other side of the room isn’t empty anymore. There is a box by the hastily made bed, another on the desk, and a half-unpacked suitcase in the open cupboard.

The late roommate finally arrived.

Somehow, it gets Simon nervous. For over a month, this roommate has been an idea more than a reality and Simon had grown used to that phantom entity that wasn’t entirely real, and their first encounter was not imminent. Now, though, it’s a reality that could happen any second.

 

Simon is halfway through an essay when a dark ginger boy, nose covered in freckles, forest-green eyes, and warmest ever smile enters the room.

“Hi!” he says, extending a hand that Simon shakes. “I’m Ted. You can call me Teddy if you prefer, I’ don’t mind.” The boy speaks as fast as a riffle.

“Hi. I’m Simon. You can call me Si if you want to.”

“Great! So, where are you from, Simon?”

“Atlanta,” he replies, thinking that it was easier than giving the name of his little suburban town.

“Oh, great! I’ve never been to Georgia, but I always thought I should go down to one of the southern states someday. You know… warmer winters.”

“You’re from the north, then?”

“Chicago. Born and bred. But housing on campus is mandatory for the first two years, so here I am. Plus, I really wanted to get more independent and get away from home, so here I am.”

“Why didn’t you apply somewhere else, then?” Simon asks immediately realizing that it is an extremely personal and maybe insensitive question.

“I did. I got into Harvard.”

“Oh. Wow. Tell me if I’m prying, but… Why are you here, then?”

“A few reasons. But mainly I couldn’t afford to study out of state in the end.”

“That sucks.”

“Yes and no. Everything happens for a reason. You might even be that reason. Maybe I was meant to share this awkwardly generic room with you.” Ted points at Simon’s wall. “You seem to have lots of friends, so I know you won’t be boring, there is a picture of you hugging a dog so you can’t be an asshole, and there is the Hufflepuff banner, so I know you’re one of the good ones.”

The speed at which Ted is talking is a bit hard to follow, but combined with his happy face gives him an aura of positive, outgoing energy.

“Thanks. I guess.”

“Sorry. Do I speak too much? I’ve been told a few times that I speak too much. Or too fast.”

“No, that’s fine,” Simon politely answers.

“No need to lie,” Ted replies as if he could read Simon’s mind. “I have ADHD. It’s mostly in control because of meds, meditation, growing up and shit, and I can follow a pretty linear train of thoughts, but there is nothing anyone could ever do about my big mouth. BUT, I got really good at shutting up when told to do so, so whenever I am too much, just tell me to shut up and I’ll be as quiet as a ghost.”

This is sort of a lot of information, but Simon somehow really likes the boy. “Deal. I will rudely tell you to shut up whenever I can’t cope. But I have two sisters, so I’m used to constant chatter.”

“But you can’t escape to your room now,” Ted comments.

“True. Maybe you’ll drive me insane and I’ll have to escape to the library and I’ll get better grades thanks to you.”

Ted smiles even wider. “You’re a glass-half-full kind of guy, aren’t you? I love that. And I told you everything happened for a reason. Maybe I couldn't go to Harvard just so you would graduate. I'm fine with that. Sounds like karma points for me. Okay, Simon, I see that you were working, so I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m ahead in all my work. I have been working most nights since I was alone in here anyway. Do you want to grab some food and get to know each other? We’re stuck with one another anyway.”

“I’d love that. If you’re up for it, let’s get food off-campus. I’ll take you to my favorite pizza place. Or, you know, any other food. Name any food, I have a favorite place.”

“You know what? That sounds great. I haven’t really left campus since I arrived. And pizza sounds great.”

 

By the time they make it back to the dorm, Simon has decided that he couldn’t have gotten a better roommate, even if he is a bit extra. They discussed all of the Harry Potter and Ted came up with theories that Simon had never heard before – those were definitely bonus points, they talked about all the things Simon should do in Chicago, they talked about their families, Bieber included, and leaving them behind, even though Ted had to admit that it’s different when they are half an hour away, they discussed college and what they hope to get out of it. After two hours, it feels like they’ve known each other for months. Simon definitely feels closer to Ted than he ever was to Morgan. Or even Anna and he dated her.

They enter the room and Ted lets out a gasp before taking an envelope from Simon’s desk. It contains one of the ‘why I love you’ notes from Bram. The envelope just reads ‘Love, B.’

“Who is B? Your special someone?”

“Yes,” Simon answers, knowing that the next few moments are going to be important. He could just say the words right now, but they don’t come out (no pun intended).

“What’s her name? Bianca? Belle? Beatrice? Brittany? Barbara?”

“No, it’s… short for something.”

It dawns on Simon why this is so hard. He never properly came out before. He blurted it out to Abby in a car, sort of a trial run, but she was one person, and they both knew it was a secret. Simon told her, but he still wasn’t out. And then… Simon told his parents because he had to, since Martin already told the world.

This time, though, it will be Simon’s decision to tell people, to add ‘gay’ to his college identity. The subject didn’t really arise with other students. Maybe he should have come out to them first. It doesn’t matter if a random classmate is weirded out by Simon being gay, but he has to share a room with Ted. Plus, he likes him and it would be very disappointing if that became an issue.

“Becca? Beth? Betty? No, wait… show me a picture and I’ll try to guess again.” Ted points at Alice and then Nora. “Those two are your sisters, right? I can tell. Nose and cheekbones. Which are lovely on all three of you, by the way, you all wear them differently.” He’s just babbling, now. Simon doesn’t mind, he thinks it’s amusing. Plus, it delays a bit the coming out part. Then Ted points at Leah. “Is it her?”

“Nope,” Simon shakes his head.

“Good. She looks like she’s too strong-minded for you. No offense.”

“None taken.” Simon is actually impressed that Ted can see that from the picture.

He points at Abby and Simon shakes his head again. Ted raises an eyebrow. She was the last girl on there. He moves his finger to the closest boy. That’s Nick. Simon scrunches his nose and points at Bram.

“Well, he doesn’t look like a Becca,” Ted comments. “Billy? Bob? Ben?”

“Bram,” Simon answers.

“What is that short for?”

“Abraham.”

“Oh. I mean, again, no offense, your boy is hot and all, but who still names their child _Abraham_? Then again, at least he doesn’t just blend in the crowd.” Ted looks at the picture again. “Although he probably doesn’t just blend in the crowd, does he? He’s too cute for that. You chose well, Simon.”

That was easy. And it happened naturally. Simon is happy about this coming out, even if he still hasn’t confidently said the words ‘I’m gay’ to anyone yet. It doesn’t matter. He just realized that is life is going to be just that: a series of coming out. Whenever he meets someone new, the topic might be brought up, and he will have to decide every time if he discloses that part of him or not.

“So, where is Bram right now?”

“Columbia.”

“Ouch. Long-distance? That’s one of the reasons I was happy to let go of Harvard. It would have been hard to be apart from Amara.”

“Is that your girlfriend?”

Ted gets his phone out and shows a picture of a gorgeous dark-haired, hazel eyes, golden skin, shy smile girl. “That’s Amara. We’ve been together since we were twelve.”

“Oh, wow. No shit?”

“No shit. And I love her a bit more every day.”

“Is she going to the University of Chicago too?” A sad shadow passes on Ted’s face and it’s the first time all day that Simon doesn’t see him with sparkly happy eyes. “Sorry, is that a sensitive topic?”

“I don’t know. She’s taking a gap year.”

“Travelling?”

“Getting used to her new condition.”

Simon immediately knows that this is going to be something big. If they share that, they’ll be more than just roommates. Maybe six hours is a bit early for that. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to. I’ll be there for you when long-distance hurts like a bitch, and hopefully, you’ll be there for me when that gets too much.”

He said it like a question and Simon realizes that he wants just that. “Sure.”

“We had a car accident last May.” For the first time, Ted’s speech is paced and it seems like he is choosing his words rather than letting them out. “She was driving – I let other drive because I’m always nervous about driving and having to focus and all – and it was night. We were coming back from my aunt’s. One of the tires blew. Out of nowhere. An accident, you know? We made it right into a tree. I broke my arm in three places. Amara, though… she’s blind now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. But hey. I told you. Everything happens for a reason. I used to believe that, but now it’s properly my creed. Otherwise, I’ll go mad, you know? She’s doing fine. She is not depressed anymore, we finished the work on the house – which is why I started the term a bit later – and she just applied to get a dog. A guide dog, obviously, not one like yours. It’s a challenge, but we all have to reinvent ourselves at some point. She was just violently and unfairly forced to do so.” Simon’s forced outing doesn’t seem that massive, suddenly. “You’ll see when you meet her. She’ll be the greatest at being blind,” he adds with a forced smile.

“I’m sure she will.”

“Okay, let’s change the subject to something less depressing. How did you and Bram fall in love?”

“That’s a long story.”

“I have time. Plus, I love stories. As long as the story is interesting, I’m a good listener.”

“I’m not sure if it’s a good story.”

“The love story of Simon and Abraham. I’m sure it’s the best love story I’ll ever hear. Come on. Spill it.”

And Simon does.

 

Ted is in the shower and Simon is getting ready for bed. He didn’t have time to call Bram today so he sends a text.

_I’m wearing the Elliott Smith shirt._

Bram replies almost instantly.

_I know you’re trying to be sweet, but that never sends me just sweet thoughts._

_Easy tiger._

_No funny business tonight._

_?_

_I have met my roommate._

_Really? What is he like?_

_Garrett on speed._

_Oh._

_I don’t know if I should be thrilled or sorry for you._

_The first one._

_He seems great._

_I’m happy for you._

_Also, funny thing, you have an Eddy and I have a Teddy._

_Well, I call him Ted, but still. It’s funny._

_See? I notice patterns in names, now._

_I’m very proud of you!_

_Speaking of._

_How’s Eddy?_

_Same as ever._

_Today, he told me that I should get a sense of priority because I joined a sports team._

_Really?_

_Babe, that’s great!_

_Soccer?_

_Not exactly._

_I’ll tell you all about it when I get you on the phone or something._

_We can Skype tomorrow._

_Usual time?_

_Sounds perfect._

_Sleep well._

_I love you, Simon._

_I love you more._

_That’s not a thing._

_❤_

_❤_

 

 

“Simon?” Ted asks as they are both in bed, lights off.

“Yes?”

“You know about you having a boyfriend and me having a girlfriend?”

“What about it?”

“We need to have a code or a system. You know, for when they’re here and we want to do naked stuff. Because I don’t think any of us would enjoy waling in and seeing the other’s naked butt in action.”

Simon bursts out laughing. “I thought there already were the international ‘do not disturb’ code of putting a sock on the doorknob?”

“No. First, because I need you to know you shouldn’t get in, and I don’t want anyone to get in, really, but I also don’t want everyone to know what I’m doing. It’s private. And I get that I have to share privacy with you, but I don’t want to share privacy with the weird guy down the hall. And if _I_ think he's weird, that's saying something. Plus I don’t trust that no one is going to take the sock off the doorknob.”

“Who would do that?”

“I totally would do that,” Ted replies. And Simon must admit that now that the idea is in his head, he would be very tempted to do that too next time he sees a sock on a doorknob. Simon knows he shouldn’t get Ted started because he still doesn’t know how to stop him, but he can’t help but ask: “Okay, what sort of code are you thinking, then?”

“I’ve got TONS of ideas!”

Simon knows he won’t get much sleep tonight. But he also knows he’s going to have fun.

 

 


	43. The first time Bram thought about joining a study group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am still doing filler chapters.  
> Yes, I am still doing tiny chapters.  
> Yes, I am just getting random title names to include things that aren't first times.  
> No, I'm not ashamed.

**Bram**

 

Bram is taking notes on a book, sitting at Garrett’s desk while Garrett’s is doing sit-ups, push-ups and whatever else is in his routine to stay on shape for varsity. Bram does that quite regularly. He spends more time in Garrett’s dorm than in his, even though it’s smaller, it takes ages to commute to and from, and has more distractions. But Eddy is slowly driving Bram crazy.

He is too serious all the time, even for Bram. Two days ago, he commented on _Bram turning his pages too loudly_. He is also always there. Bram hasn’t been able to Skype Simon in days. He even had to cancel once. He can’t do it with Eddy in the room. It’s too weird. He feels like they’re not close enough for him to share Simon, any of Simon. Which is really saying something, because Bram already called Simon, on speaker, with Garrett’s roommate in the room.

Garrett’s roommate, Steve, is… bland. If he were a color, he would be grey (not Simon’s eyes grey. Concrete grey. Rainy sky grey. Boring grey). If he were food, he would be a piece of toast. Without anything on it. Garrett pointed out that if he were a time of the week, he would be a rainy Sunday evening. But at least he doesn’t make Bram feel uncomfortable about being himself. Or just about being.

“I’m thinking about joining a study group,” Bram comments suddenly.

Garrett freezes halfway through his movement. “What? Why? I thought you aced the last essay.”

“It was fine. I didn’t ‘ace’ it. But it’s more… Literature is all about analysis and points of view. Tim joined a study group where they all share the scientific literature and they discuss things once a week. I think it would be a good way to expand my perception of literary texts.”

“It sounds like a good idea. And I’m sure it will be an ‘Eddy approved activity’.”

Bram smiles, but he’s actually a bit frustrated, like always when mentioning Eddy. “Do you want to swap? I’ll trade your roommate for mine in a heartbeat.”

“Of course, you would. It’s like having furniture in the room. Yesterday, I asked him what his favorite movie was, and his reply was literally ‘any with moving pictures’. I mean… that’s the definition of any ‘motion picture’. I don’t know how he made it to college. I’d kill to read his personal statement.”

“On the other hand, Eddy asked me if we could coordinate our sleeping schedules, so we make sure not to wake the other unnecessarily.”

Garrett snorts. “Can’t you ask for another roommate?”

“I’m giving it a term. Then we’ll see.” Bram looks down at his watch. “Okay, I’m heading home. Eddy is at another extra lecture tonight and I want to use the time to call Simon.”

“Ooh. Sexy time?”

Bram frowns. How does Garrett’s mind work, exactly? Can someone explain that to him? “No. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s not the primary purpose.”

“That’s the saddest thing you’ve ever said,” Garrett comments.

 

Seeing Simon’s face on the screen is the happiest moment of Bram’s day. “Hey, Love. How are you?”

“Great. I feel like I haven’t properly talked to you in ages. How was your day, Babe?”

“Babe?” says a voice in the background. “Were you really that desperate to find something starting with a B?”

“Didn’t we agree you would shut up?” Simon asks, and Bram would be shocked at the way Simon speaks to his roommate if he didn’t hear some sort of amused resignation in his words. “Okay, Babe, I have to tell you, I’ve been blackmailed.”

“What?”

“Ted said that he would only leave the dorm so we can be alone if he gets to meet you first.”

And because Bram can’t help himself, he says: “That’s not the definition of blackmail.”

“That’s not the point,” Simon jokingly replies on the same tone. “Would you mind meeting Ted?”

“No, of course not.”

A ginger gangling boy appears on the screen next to Simon. “Hi! I’m Ted. I don’t mean to intrude, I just wanted to see what you were like for real. And also, I want to assure you that I’m keeping an eye on Simon. If he’s looking at any boy for too long, I’ll tell him off. Plus, I’ll keep him healthy for you. No more Oreos after dinner. Okay, I won’t take more of your time now, you probably have a lot of secret loving topics to discuss. Or some other type of private time. You know, whatever, I’m not judging. Go ahead with your dick play, I won’t come in. Or butt play. Or nipple play. Or…”

“Ted,” Simon interrupts him.

“Shut up?”

“Shut up,” Simon confirms.

“Right. I’m going for a run. Bram, it was a pleasure. Simon, no more chocolate.”

And even faster than he speaks, he’s gone.

“Sorry,” Simon tells Bram. “He’s particularly hyper today.”

“Don’t worry about it. He seems nice.”

“He is. You’ll notice when he’ll actually give you the opportunity to talk to him. He’s dying to meet you. I think he likes you more than me, and he hasn’t even met you. He keeps asking questions all the time. He thinks that the way we found each other is better than a novel.”

“I can’t entirely disagree,” Bram concedes. “What’s that about Oreos?”

“He thinks I’m building myself a heart attack, and he is very much regulating the amount of junk food I’m allowed to eat. Which is surprisingly more thoughtful than annoying.”

“Someone is making you give up Oreos.”

“After dinner.”

“Still.”

Simon smiles. Bram smiles. For a moment, that’s enough. Then Bram has this gap in his heart. He wants to be able to extend his arm and touch Simon. But he can’t. So he covers the emptiness with small talk.

“You said that Ted is making you discover Chicago.”

“A bit. We’re going ice-skating this weekend. I’ve never done that before, so I’m more excited than a kid. And then the week after that, I’m meeting his girlfriend.” _Girlfriend_. Bram is relieved somehow. Ted and Simon connected instantly and it made him feel a bit… he can’t even put a word on it. He wasn’t jealous, nor really insecure… He just wants to know that he’s still number one. However childish that sounds. “But what about you. How are things with Eddy?”

“I’m happy when he’s not around. I feel awful for thinking that. He is not a bad person, he’s just… hard to cohabitate with.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry enough to trade roommates?”

Simon smiles. “Not a chance. Keep your burden. Oh, and you never told me about that team you joined. What did you mean by ‘sort of’ soccer?”

“They call it the ‘mix team’. It’s mixed, obviously, so I’m not just playing with boys, and we change sport every term. This term is soccer, so it’s an easy way for me to get in, and next term we’ll be playing basketball.”

“That sounds fun.”

“Really?”

“Well not for _me_ , obviously. But I think it’s great for you. You loved being on a team.”

“I did. We played once. Everyone is very nice and everyone is either in a team now or was in one in high school, so the level is actually pretty high. I also met this girl, Mary, who is also on my course, although different classes, and she invited me to join her study group and I then learned that Tim is in the group too, so I think I’ll join. I’m going there tomorrow night.”

“See? You’re doing great. LGBT, sports, study group… You’re a real social butterfly.” Simon said that as if he’s relieved, as if he was carrying Bram’s anxieties with him.

“And you made a friend.”

“College isn’t that scary after all.”

“It’s still a bit scary,” Bram whispers and Simon immediately loses his smile.

“What’s bothering you?”

Bram sighs. “Nothing, really. It’s just… I miss you, you know? And we’re both creating lives without the other one. I’m a bit afraid that I’m taking time that should be saved for you. I’m afraid that you might forget about me, even just for a few hours. I’m afraid that when we’ll see each other, we won’t feel that connection anymore.”

“It’s not gonna happen, Babe. I love you. You love me. We’re making sure to share our lives with each other. When something happens to me, you’re always the first one I want to tell, even if you’re not actually the first one I _do tell_. Plus, when we were in Georgia, we weren’t together all the time. It just feels different because we can’t be together, but we went weeks with mainly talking on the phone before. We just need to not make it something bigger than it is. And I know Ted was joking about me looking at boy, but that’s not even happening. Who would I look at when my boyfriend looks like that?”

Bram can feel a smile spread on his face. “I really want to hold you right now. You always know just what to say.”

“I learned a thing or two about calming the anxieties of my amazing boyfriend with the lowest self-esteem. I mean… you’re hot, you’re in an Ivy League, you are opening yourself to the world… I should be the one afraid that you’ll forget about me.”

“You’re always on my mind, Simon. It’s ridiculous how many things remind me of you.”

“I feel awful,” Simon randomly says, suddenly.

“What? Why?”

“Every time I call you, I want to talk about want to talk about _you_ and how _your life_ is going, and we always end up talking about us.”

“I like talking about us,” Bram responds. “Plus… we don’t always end up talking about us. Sometimes, we end up doing other stuff.” Simon gets his mischievous smile that Bram loves so much. It’s the one that says: ‘I’m down for some playtime right now’. “What do you say, Spier? Should we drop some clothes?”

Then a lot of things pass on Simon’s face and Bram is not able to read all of them. The main feeling he gets though is uncertainty. “Bram?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry, but… I’m a bit uncomfortable doing it on Skype. I don’t know, I feel a bit self-conscious with you being able to watch me. I know it’s silly, because it’s you, but…”

“Love, you don’t have to explain. We don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, ever.”

“I am feeling a bit... _woken up_ , though.”

“Is that so? Do you want to continue this on the phone?”

“ _I_ am going to continue this,” Simon teases. “You can call me if you want to join.”

Bram is dialing even before shutting his laptop.

 

 

 


	44. The first time Simon needed a bit of aftercare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let the title fool you, this story is not going to shift into anything massively kinky or in any way BDSM, but even vanilla sex can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.

**Simon**

 

Simon can feel the nervousness in his entire body. He made it first to the hotel. For some very odd reason, Bram and he didn’t really talk about it. So Simon is there, in this hotel room, unsure that Bram remembered his birthday gift, a bit guilty that he lied to his family about only being able to make it home the following day, tired from the journey, and yet absolutely sure that Bram will be there, because there is no way that Bram would have forgotten, and all this anxious, impatient energy is bubbling under Simon’s skin. He almost feels like he’s shaking.

A few hours ago, Simon was still in Chicago. Actually, this morning, he was still in class. Simon arrived in Atlanta early evening.

It’s odd being there first. He wished Bram would already be there when he arrived. He doesn’t know what to do with his time. Simon puts his suitcase away in the closet. He doesn’t unpack – they’re only here for the night. He gets a few _supplies_ in the nightstand. There is definitely going to be some sex at some point tonight. Or so Simon hopes. He can’t wait to have Bram’s hands on him.

He pictures the scene many times in his head. Will they go straight to bed – metaphorically speaking? Probably not. They’ll want to spend a bit of time together first, finding their bond again. Maybe they’ll talk about being back home. Maybe they’ll talk about roommates, school, and clubs. Maybe they won’t talk and just stare at each other for a while. Simon really wants that too. Look into Bram’s eyes and feel loved.

Simon gets in the shower to get the flight off his muscles, to have something to do, to make sure he doesn’t smell like sweat when he takes Bram in his arms for the first time in so long.

His nervousness doesn’t fade during his shower. It’s stupid, really. It’s Bram. What is he nervous about?

When he gets dressed again, he puts on the Elliott Smith shirt. Because it is so comfortable. Because it’s his favorite. Because Bram loves it. He dries his hair but he doesn’t try to tame them. It’s a lost cause and Bram likes them messy anyway. For a second, he considers putting some eyeliner on, but then decides against it. This is not about sex and kink. This is about being together, away from the world for a little while. And if sex might be a part of that, it’s not the main purpose of this night.

When Simon leaves the bathroom, his heart skips a couple of beats and he feels like he could burst into tears, right there and then: Bram is here, literally just putting his bags down. His head turns the moment he hears the door opening and the happiest smile spreads on his face.

Before Simon even knows what his body is doing, they met halfway and they are holding on to each other as tight as they can.

Simon can feel Bram bury his head in his hair for a second. Simon starts moving his head to look at Bram, but Bram’s neck is in the way and Simon ends up kissing it. Bram’s hands tighten on Simon and he moves his head to offer Simon more space to cover.

When Bram starts breathing louder, Simon realizes that he is doing exactly what he decided wouldn’t be what they were going to do. “Should we take time to reconnect first?” he asks Bram, mouth still against his neck.

“Isn’t that exactly what we’re doing?”

Simon finally detaches from his boyfriend and looks at Bram’s gorgeous face. “I’m serious. We don’t have to do this. I don’t want to be treating you like a piece of meat.”

“Stop talking,” Bram replies and his lips crash on Simon’s.

Next thing he knows, they are horizontal, Bram urging Simon to take his t-shirt off as he starts undressing himself too.

Simon almost forgot how good it was. To have Bram’s hands on him. To be kissed everywhere. To feel the heat and weight of Bram against his own bare skin.

“Babe?” Simon asks, struggling to actually put some sound in his voice. Bram stops what he’s doing, looking at Simon quietly, caringly. Simon knows just with that look that Bram already understood what Simon is going to ask. “Can I top? It’s been a while, and I’m a bit…”

“Simon,” Bram interrupts him. “I told you before and I'll keep telling you until you listen to me. You don’t have to justify yourself when you ask for something. This is only fun if we’re both having fun.”

“Yeah, but you might not want that.”

“Oh, but I want that very much,” Bram replies, softly kissing Simon’s face. “I’m going to have the best of fun when you’re fucking me.”

All of Simon’s annoying thoughts and insecurities melt under Bram’s lips. Of course, he’s allowed to ask to top. That’s especially okay because he knows Bram would say no if he didn’t want to and they’d find some middle ground. There are other ways to have fun.

Simon grabs the lube he put on the nightstand earlier. “Hey, Babe… I know the answer, and I promise you I trust you, but… I also think it would be stupid not to ask… do we need a condom? Has there been anyone else?”

“There can’t ever be someone else,” Bram replies, making Simon shiver.

“God, I love you,” Simon exhales.

Bram doesn’t reply with words, but he is now kissing down Simon’s chest.

However aroused they both are, jumping each other almost as soon as they saw each other, they don’t just have sex. They make love. It’s fast, and hot, and a bit rough, and almost desperate. But they also make eye contact the entire time, fingers intertwined more often than not, whispering loving words to each other.

When Simon comes, it’s nothing like when he’s alone, it’s nothing like being on the phone. It’s a mix of emotions, feelings, sensations, and explosions that can only happen when embracing someone you love so much, having him so close to you, taking, giving and sharing all you have and all you are.

 

After the release they both needed, things happen a bit more like Simon had pictured. They lay in bed, lovingly staring at each other, a goofy smile on both their faces.

“I missed you so much,” Bram whispers. “I’m so glad you were smart enough to plan for this almost a year ago. Once we get home, we’ll always have our families around, and I think it would have driven me crazy to be with you, but not _be with you_. And I don’t just mean the sex. I mean this. Right now.”

“It’s probably the most inspired idea I ever had,” Simon agrees, running his fingers on the relief of Bram’s face. “Are you hungry?” he asks then, noticing the time.

“No. I snacked on the plane. And I just want to stay here with you. Away from the world. Just like we planned.”

Simon feels exactly the same way. He would have gone out with Bram if that’s what he wanted, but he is more than happy to stay here, limbs interwoven with his boyfriend’s.

They can always get room service later if they change their minds.

 

They cuddle like this for a while before Bram’s hands start wandering again. Simon gets fired up immediately.

“What do you want for round two?” Bram asks with this low, deep, husky voice that Simon can’t ever resist, kissing – almost biting – Simon in that soft spot behind his ear.

“I want you,” Simon replies, already unable to think properly.

“I wasn’t planning on leaving,” Bram jokes.

“I want you to do me,” Simon manages to finish.

“I can do that,” Bram says, voice full of promise.

When Bram sits up to grab the lube, Simon can focus long enough to ask for what he wants.

“Bram… I don’t want you to make sweet love to me. I want you to make me forget everything.”

“Simon Spier… are you asking for rough sex?” Bram has a cheeky smile and a mischievous light in his eyes.

“I am,” Simon confirms. “Don’t hold back.”

Bram flips Simon over, and he gives Simon everything he asked for and more. Bram remembers Simon’s body perfectly and he is doing all of his favourite to Simon. His pleasure builds up and expands, with every single touch, thrust, or kiss from Bram. At some point, it becomes almost too much. Like Simon’s body isn’t big or strong enough to contain all that he’s feeling. But it’s good. It’s so good.

And Bram mercilessly keeps pounding him, Simon making sounds that are getting indecently loud, almost gasping for air in between. Bram checks in on Simon once or twice, and Simon sort of hears himself begging for Bram not to stop without really realizing that he’s speaking.

When Simon asked Bram to make him forget everything, it was just a figure of speech. But Bram manages to do just that and when Simon orgasms, he completely loses touch with reality. It’s like he doesn’t know where up or down is, or he isn’t sure where his body touches the bed. He only knows where his body touches Bram’s. Even that is a bit faint, because when he realizes that Bram has stopped, he is already lying next to him.

“Love, are you alright?”

Simon doesn’t really know what to answer to that. He doesn’t even entirely understand the question. His head feels light and heavy at the same time, he feels like he can only focus on getting his breathing back to normal.

“Hey, Love? Are you with me?”

Simon hums and mumbles something. Speaking seems like too much effort right now. Bram spoons Simon and starts rubbing Simon’s back. It helps, actually. It grounds Simon back somewhat.

“Come back to me, Sweetheart.”

“I’m fine,” Simon finally says in a weak, shallow voice.

“Do you need space?”

“No. Keep doing that.” Bram does what Simon asks and within a few minutes, Simon is back to being himself. “Thanks, Babe.”

Bram puts a soft kiss on the nape of his neck. “Are you back?”

“I am.”

Luckily, Bram doesn’t stop what he’s doing and Simon is pretty sure that heaven feels something like that.

“What happened just now?”

“I don’t know. I was gone pretty far.”

“Why? Was I too rough on you?”

“You were perfect. And it wasn’t bad, it was just… I felt a bit drained.”

“So what? I fucked all the energy out of you?”

“Something like that.” Simon can almost hear Bram’s mind trying to decide if what just happened was a good or a bad thing. “Hey, Babe? Do you want to use that massive bathtub with me?”

 

A warm bath with Bram was exactly what Simon needed.

He is now warm, relaxed, happy, and a bit sleepy. They are in bed, Simon’s head is on Bram’s chest, and Simon is having more and more trouble to sustain the conversation.

“Should we go to sleep?” Bram asks.

“I don’t want to.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“No, I am. But I don’t want to go to sleep.”

“Si…”

“You’re here. You’re finally here.”

“And I’ll still be here in the morning. Get some sleep, Love.”

Simon starts arguing, but he’s asleep before the end of his sentence.

 

 


	45. The first time they spent Thanksgiving together

**Bram**

 

Bram wakes up and realizes three things in quick succession. He doesn’t know where he is. He feels like he is exactly where he is supposed to be. That has nothing to do with the place and all with the boy sleeping next to him.

Simon.

Bram feels warm and happy just looking at him.

Bram scoots closer and although he’s still asleep, Simon’s arm wraps around Bram. Bram doesn’t want to get up anymore. He wants to stay right there and enjoy that a while longer. Simon against and around him. Surely it’s fine if they sleep just a little while longer. Bram simply isn’t ready to burst the bubble and have to share Simon with the world.

 

Bram is still in a towel, brushing his teeth while Simon is in the shower. It’s still a bit early, but they only have an extended weekend for Thanksgiving and they want to spend time with family and friends too. They’ll have more time together at Christmas. It won’t be that long until then. They’ve done most of the term already.

Bram is taken out of his thoughts by Simon's lips, butterfly soft on his neck. Simon is about to move away, probably to get some clothes, when Bram reaches and grabs Simon’s side, keeping his boyfriend against him.

They briefly make eye-contact in the mirror, and they understand each other perfectly. Simon presses his naked body on Bram, lips back on his neck, sending waves of shivers down Bram’s back and arms. Bram’s breath quickens and Simon gets rid of the towel between them. Bram can feel how hard Simon is against his ass and Bram moves a bit, just enough to make Simon moan just behind his ear.

Bram grabs the lube in his wash bag and hands it to Simon.

“Do you want to move this to the bedroom?” Simon asks, still covering Bram’s neck and shoulders with kisses.

“No,” Bram replies, out of breath. “I want you to take me just like that.”

Simon groans and opens the bottle. Bram grabs the sink with one hand and puts his other hand on the wall, next to the mirror, while Simon slowly and wonderfully gets him ready. Soon enough, Simon is grabbing Bram’s side with one hand and his wrist by the wall with the other as he starts making love to Bram.

Bram can’t look at himself in the mirror as they’re doing this. It’s just too weird. Instead, he looks at Simon, still kissing him everywhere he can reach, eyes closed, enjoying this as much as Bram. He looks at where Simon is holding him, always loving so much the difference in their skin tones and how great they look on each other.

Simon’s hand lets go of Bram’s wrist and he wraps his arm around his chest. Bram moves his arm back, reaching for Simon, pulling him as close as he can.

“Si… give me more, Love.”

Simon moves the hand that was on Bram’s side to his front, and he is deliciously playful with what he does to Bram, scooping his balls, rubbing the edge of his dick… never actually going for it, teasing and pleasing, leaving Bram panting, driving him crazy.

Simon comes first, both arms wrapped around Bram’s torso, forehead leaning on the little soft part between Bram’s neck and shoulder, but he keeps moving in Bram until Bram is coming too, leaning back on a surprisingly steady Simon, holding on to him as if he could otherwise fly away.

“Love, that was amazing,” Bram says, catching his breath, turning around to put a kiss on Simon’s lips.

“I hope so, because now we have to shower again and finish packing in a hurry,” Simon replies with a happy smile on his face.

“Tell me that wasn’t worth running a little late.”

“That was worth canceling Thanksgiving,” Simon tops. "One word from you and we don’t leave this room all weekend."

Bram knows the offer isn’t actually serious, he knows they can’t, he knows they don’t truly want to, but he still contemplates it for a minute.

 

As Bram is making sure that he didn’t leave anything behind, he looks at the hotel room one last time. It is a nice but generic room, and yet he is certain that he will remember it forever. The first time he and Simon got reunited. It’s not just about the sex – although… come on – it’s about finally falling asleep together, spending the morning in bed, talking face to face. Finally talking about things without feeling the need to punctuate the conversation with how much they miss one another.

Hands down the best birthday present he ever got.

Bram truly was happy here.

He hopes Simon was too.

 

“Hey, Love?” Bram says, taking Simon’s wrist just before he can open the bedroom door, leaving their little reality break behind. “Are you alright?”

“I’m great. Why?” Simon seems a bit confused.

“I don’t know… Yesterday was a bit intense, and…” Bram can’t finish his sentence because Simon is kissing him.

“I love you for worrying. But I’m fine. Yesterday was intense. In the best possible way. You were great during. You were great after. When I think about it, I feel happy, giddy and content. A bit excited, too. So we should drop the subject before I attack you one more time.”

“I’m not sure I would mind,” Bram replies.

“No. But we have to check out, and we both have family waiting for us at home. I can’t believe people think you’re the responsible one!”

Bram laughs and lets go of Simon’s hand.

 

Bram kisses Simon quickly before leaving the cab. Saying goodbye isn’t that hard when you know you’ll see the other one within a day.

Bram takes a moment to look at his house, letting the feeling of being home sink in.

His mother appears at the door, a wide smile on her face.

“How is my college son?” she asks as Bram walks up to her for a hug.

“Great.”

“How was the flight? Not too tired?”

“I'm fine,” Bram answers, almost sure that she knows he spent time with Simon before coming here. She doesn’t have to know how much.

“Come on. I’ll make you some hot chocolate.”

As he is catching up with his mom at the kitchen table, drinking hot chocolate, Bram realizes how much he missed her. He feels a bit guilty. He rarely calls her. He always finds time for Simon, but he takes other people for granted. He has not really been in contact with anyone from school other than Garrett and Simon, he has talked to his dad once, sent Adisa one postcard and called his mother maybe once or twice a month. Thrice in September, maybe. He has not been in contact with Phil.

“Where is Phil?” Bram asks.

“Working. He will be here for dinner tonight, but he is on shift for Thanksgiving.”

“How shocking that they don’t close the hospital for the holidays,” Bram jokes.

“I know,” she answers with a smile. “If people had any consideration, they would wait until Monday for emergencies.”

“Will it just be two of us then? We’re used to that. We’ve mastered the one on one Thanksgiving, haven’t we?”

“We certainly have. But we are not going to spend Thanksgiving just the two of us.”

“Oh?” And for a moment, for a stupid moment, Bram hopes that his dad will be joining them. And Stacey and Levi. That they could celebrate Thanksgiving as a family. He sees on his mother’s face that she knows where his mind went and the look she gives him tell him how stupid he’s just been. Of course, his father is not coming.

“I did invite your father,” she says. “But he already told your grandmother that he would spend the day with her.”

“He spends the day with her every year. He could have made an exception.”

“I do not want to take a side in this, because if I did, I would have to take yours. But let’s be fair, Bram. This is not a special year, we’ve always spent Thanksgiving together, and your grandmother is not getting any younger. I understand why your father wants to be with her.”

“He sees her all the time. I live in New York, now. We probably won’t be able to spend Hanukkah together, he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and I won’t be in Georgia for my birthday. I just thought… I don’t know. I hoped he would have wanted to celebrate _something_ with me.”

“He might fly up there for Hanukkah. Or your birthday. Don’t blame him yet for something that didn’t happen.”

“I know, but… I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than wait for something that might not happen. Not this time.”

His mother nods but doesn’t reply. She knows he has a point. They’ve seen it too often. Bram hates that feeling that his dad is a brilliant man and that they would have gotten along so well if only they had continued living in the same house. But his parents divorced and now he fears his father will turn into a stranger. Or, worse, that he will turn into a stranger to his father.

For a second, he also hates that the person that is the source of his parents’ divorce is also the person that is trying to push his father to try harder with Bram. Bram wants to love Stacey. He truly does. But there always is this bitterness in the background that he can’t quite let go of.

Maybe with time.

“So who are we celebrating with, then?” he asks, eager to change his train of thoughts.

“The Spiers.”

“Wait, really?”

“We assumed that you and Simon would want to spend some time together. More than you already did, I mean.” She said that without judgment in her voice. She is just stating a fact.

“Mom, I…”

“Bram, you look like you’re either going to apologize or deny it. Don’t apologize. I understand wanting to spend time with your boyfriend and I respect very much that you took a bit of time to reconnect on your own. But please don’t deny it. It’s all over your neck.”

That is the most horrifying sentence Bram has ever heard. He almost runs to the bathroom to check his neck in the mirror. Yesterday, he and Simon had been careful. They know the rule. No mark where parents might see. Yet here it is. He can see it. He can see _them_. Not that many, very faint, most people wouldn’t notice. They most definitely come from this morning.

Bram almost immediately stops feeling sorry for himself. Yes, it is unfortunate that his mother had to see evidence that Bram has a sex life, but all things considered, it was worth it. This morning was… this morning felt more like a fantasy than reality and Bram loved that feeling of completely surrendering himself to Simon.

When he goes back to the kitchen, his mother has an amused smile on her face. He knows it has nothing to do with his sex life and all to do with his embarrassment.

“Can we never speak of this again?” he asks.

“Absolutely,” she agrees. “But before we move on to more trivial topics… are you being safe?” He knows what she means. _Every Time Including Oral._ Bram is absolutely not doing that. But he isn’t being unsafe either. He doesn’t know how to answer that. “Bram?”

“I would say yes, you would say no.”

“What sort of answer is that?”

“I’m not using condoms anymore.”

He can ell from his mother’s face that she is not happy. “And why not?”

“Because Simon and I did that for a long time, and then we decided that we didn’t need them anymore.”

“Because you found a cure to STDs?”

“No, mother, because we are in a monogamist relationship.”

“Bram…”

“Don’t say it. I understand where you are coming from, and I heard everything you said in every single one of the talks you gave me. There was no one before Simon. Simon had no one before me. There hasn’t been anyone else. There won’t be, either. And if there were, we would tell each other. We know it’s important. We even asked the question, when… well, we asked. As for the other factors… none of us is doing drugs or anything that could put us at risk. So no, I am not having protected sex, but yes, I am having safe sex.”

His mother sighs. “When did you get so grown up? Are you still happy then? With Simon?”

Bram smiles, just hearing Simon’s name. “I am.”

“Let’s leave the topic behind, then. What about that roommate of yours?”

“I can’t say I’m sorry to have left him behind. The last day alone, he was such a nightmare. He insisted we vacuumed the walls.” Bram keeps ranting about Eddy for nearly twenty minutes and his mother then shares anecdotes of roommates she used to have in college. It might be the first time Bram actually pictures her as a young student, not divorced, not married, not a mother, not a doctor… just a young woman with her life ahead of her.

 

Bram and his mother make pies for Thanksgiving and bring them over to the Spiers. When they arrive, Nick is here. He is going to spend the day with his family, but he came to visit for a couple of hours. It’s nice to take time to catch up. Somehow, seeing Nick makes Bram feel even more at home. It’s almost like going back in time. As if tomorrow, they would all be back on Mr. Wise’s couch, waiting for lunch. Bram would sit between Garrett and Simon, maybe holding hands under the table (not with Garrett, obviously), facing Leah, Nick, and Abby. Anna and Morgan would be a little on the side, probably having a conversation of their own. Bram didn’t really mind them, but he didn’t feel any connection to them either. The most private thing he knows about Anna is that she dated Simon. Still. He is sure they would feel like home too.

 

Before dinner, everyone says what they are thankful for this year. Bram is thankful for the obvious things: health, food, shelter. But he is also thankful for making it his dream school. He is thankful for his friends and family. He is especially thankful for his mother. He is thankful that Simon’s sisters accept him as some sort of brother too and started teasing him like they do Simon. He is thankful for Garrett being in the same city. He is thankful for Simon to still be in his life. He is thankful that their spark didn’t disappear. He is thankful that out of the three of them, Simon is the one that got the nice roommate. He is thankful that said roommate is straight. He is thankful for being happy.

He doesn’t share all of those out loud.

 

After dinner, Bram and Simon disappear to the older boy’s room. Not to get nasty, just to be together. They lie on Simon’s bed, talking, cuddling, being together.

This feels so nice that they both fall asleep.

Bram is woken up by his mother’s hand on his arm. “Mom? What time is it?”

“Nearly one. I’m going home.”

“Yeah. Let me get my shoes.”

“No, don’t move baby. Stay here. Emily will give you a ride home tomorrow after breakfast and we’ll have lunch with Phil before my shift, okay?”

“Mom, are you sure?”

“It’s not like you’ll have the best conversation tonight anyway,” she replies. “Stay with your man, get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow. Love you, Mom.”

“You too.”

 

Bram puts his head back on the pillow and looks at Simon’s face for a minute. Then he wakes him up with a kiss. “Si?” Simon groans. “Simon, Love, it’s nearly one.”

Simon opens his eyes. They look sleepy and sad. “Time for you to go?”

“Nope. I’m staying the night.”

“Wait… really?” Simon looks down and realizes that they are both still dressed. “Let me get you something to sleep in.”

As Simon is scavenging through his closet, Bram understands what his mother is doing. She’s letting him grow up. One day, she won’t be the home he’s going back to. One day, she will be his once in a while, and some man – hopefully Simon – will be his every day. As he is in college, he is in this weird limbo between child and adult and she is letting him be both. She lets him split his time with all the people he missed. This might even be the smartest way to do it. Night is a time that he can only share with Simon anyway.

Bram is happy they spent the night in the hotel. Otherwise, his hands would be all over Simon regardless of the house full of Spiers. Now though, he can be perfectly content just talking, whispering, giggling, half-watching a random film online before simply falling back asleep.

Right now, Bram doesn’t need more to be happy.

 

This truly is a thanksgiving to be thankful for.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been in a bit of a writing spree these past few days, but that's going to calm down now. Or, rather, I'll be working on other things that aren't meant for here.  
> At least, I'm leaving you on a happy note (and not an 'Andrew at the pride' cliffhanger...)  
> I'll try not to be gone too long :)


	46. The first time Bram surprised Simon in Chicago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I can't stay away from this story...
> 
> Although I did work on other projects, so I'm not totally unfocused either :)
> 
> And yes, titles are spoilers. You should be used to it by now.

**Simon**

 

“Come on! Three more!” Simon is a nice person. Simon is a helpful person. Simon is a decent human being. But, right now, if Teddy was chocking, he would consider just walking away.

“But it burns.”

“Of course it burns! That’s because you never move. But guess what, to sing and be on stage, you need abs. Even if they’re still covered by you fake-thin-fatty-Oreo-belly. You know what? You don’t even need a six-pack. We’ll stop at four.”

“It’s not how it works,” Simon mumbles.

“Okay, fine, stage skills aren’t good enough incentive? Think about Billy and how turned on he’ll be next time you take your shirt off.” That’s Ted’s thing. Every time he mentions Bram, he gives him a new name that begins with ‘B’. Bram doesn’t mind and Simon thinks it’s funny.

Simon groans. Ted didn’t make a particularly good point, but Simon knows he won’t stop talking until he gets what he wants. So Simon does the last three sit-ups before collapsing on the floor.

“Well done Roomie!” That’s how Ted refers to Simon. “Ten points for Hufflepuff!”

“That deserves at least fifty.”

“You’re not gay enough to be such a drama queen,” Ted teases him. It’s weird because Simon would totally be upset if his dad, or a stranger, made that joke, but from Ted, he finds it funny. The saying must be true. You can laugh about anything, just not with anyone. “Okay, now, let’s go for a run.”

“No!” Simon is _not_ going to keep being bullied into being fit and healthy. “We talked about this. No running!”

“How are you going to dance on stage for two hours if you don’t have any endurance?”

“I’m on stage for less than twenty minutes altogether.”

“Yeah, but think big, Roomie. This year, in the background, next year, secondary character, third year, main character and final year: lead! Then, Broadway and shit. And you know how you can achieve that?”

“Hard work and talent?”

“Hard work, talent, and abs. Better for the voice, better for the stage, better for the health. Better for the sex.”

“Can you stop talking about my sex life?”

“Sure. If you come running with me.”

“You’ve just tortured me for half an hour. That my personal limit.”

“Your sex life must be really sad.”

“Ted?”

“Shut up?”

“Shut up!”

“Okay, well, I’m gonna go for a run. Stay away from the Oreos!”

Simon promises and Ted leaves the room. Simon doesn’t even remember how he got dragged into this. Ted probably wore him down at some point and made him promise. Ted gets a lot of promises out of Simon.

Twice a week, Simon works out with Ted. Or rather, Ted tortures Simon for twenty to forty minutes straight and Simon’s entire body hurts for two days.

Simon goes along with it anyway because Ted has a point. Getting in shape is necessary if Simon wants to get to the next step stage-wise. Also, and he will never admit it to Ted, he would like to see a pleasant surprise on Bram’s face the next time Simon takes off his shirt. Not that any muscle is showing yet. Simon might always be on the scrawny side. Or maybe he’ll get fat from all the Oreos. Oh God, is Bram going to leave him if he gets fat?

Simon takes a deep breath. His mind is clearly all over the place right now. Ted might be rubbing off on him. Simon’s eating habits were not the healthiest ones when he got to college, but Ted treats his body like a temple and he is pushing Simon to do the same. Or, at least, eat more vegetables than snacks. He hasn’t put on any weight, so why is he worried about that all of a sudden?

Maybe because of all the pictures of Bram’s team on Instagram and how fit all those boys are. Simon completely trusts Bram, that’s not the point. The point is… he doesn’t even know what the point is. He just doesn’t want Bram to think that his boyfriend is average in a world of hotter men.

But on the other hand, working out hurts, makes you sweaty and Simon just hates it.

 

After a quick shower, Simon texts Bram.

_Hey Babe._

_Ted is out for a run and I’ve done my work for the day (yup, yup)._

_Do you want to Skype?_

_Hi Love._

_Eddy is very much here, and my work is very much not done._

_Later tonight?_

_I’m going out with Ted._

_I’m meeting Amara._

_For real this time?_

_For real this time!_

_Nice!_

_Tomorrow then?_

_The play premieres in a week. I’m in rehearsal all day every day starting tomorrow._

_I’m sure we’ll find a moment._

_Even if we don’t have alone time, or if it’s just a series of five-minute phone calls!_

_I’m planning on texting you whenever I have a rehearsal break anyways…_

_I’ll be looking forward to every single one of them._

_😊_

_I’ll let you go back to work._

_I love you._

_I love you too._

_Have a good evening._

_Tell me all about Amara next time._

_Maybe._

_If we’re not busy_ _😉_

_It’s unlikely, then!_

 

Simon doesn’t reply. He knows that Bram will keep answering his texts, and if he turned down a phone call, he must have a lot of work to do tonight.

Bram doesn’t really complain about it, but Simon can read between the lien that Columbia is a real step up from high school. Especially for students like Bram who need to maintain high grades to keep their scholarship.

Simon also finds college challenging, he also doesn’t feel like he is struggling. Maybe it’s because his university is less prestigious, maybe it’s because his degree is less academic, maybe it’s because he is truly passionate about theatre arts… Or maybe, because Bram is Bram, it’s because Bram sets the bar higher.

Eddy, despite all his flaws, is certainly creating a studious atmosphere in Bram’s dorm and it might be what Bram needs. Simon isn’t so sure, though. He knows how extra stressed Bram was around exam times, and he can’t help but think that Eddy wasn’t helping.

Bram and Simon both did well in their exams. It’s now February and it feels like they found their balance. The winter break was amazing and, even though they knew they wouldn’t see each other until spring break, it wasn’t as hard to say goodbye this time. They knew what came next, and they knew the separation was only physical. They learned that after Thanksgiving. Their relationship is like an elastic. They can stretch how far they want, they always find their way back to how it was.

 

The plan for tonight is dinner and a movie. Simon isn’t entirely sure why a blind person would want to go to the movies, but he also learned from personal experience that it is beyond annoying when the norm looks down at the minority, thinking they know better how said minority should live. There might be something nice about being in a room of people all experiencing the same thing. Sounds might be enough to enjoy a movie. Or, maybe, Amara just enjoys doing things with Ted, just the way they used to.

“Why are you dressing up?” Ted asks.

“We’re going out.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like she can see you, and I know what you look like in old sweat pants.”

“Just because she can’t see it, I shouldn’t make an effort?”

“Perfect mindset Roomie!” Ted says with a joking tone, but Simon knows he appreciates it. Then Ted’s face gets all serious and he says, “Si, about tonight…”

“I know,” Simon reassures him.

“I know you do, but…”

“I know,” Simon repeats. Ted nods. They both understand each other. The reason it took Simon that long to meet Amara is that she has been in and out of the hospital a lot this year and her social life has been almost inexistent for months. He was supposed to meet her twice already and every time something came up. As far as Simon knows, it’s the first time she is going to meet someone new since the accident. Simon knows it’s an important moment. He tries not to think about it, though, or he might start freaking out.

 

Although as the evening is progressing, Simon realizes that he had nothing to be nervous about. Amara is funny and sweet, she brings an entirely different side to Ted, in the best possible way. She speaks as calmly and softly as Ted can be overwhelming. Although, he is much calmer around her.

Her eyes don’t show any sign of blindness: they are still colorful, they move around, usually towards the person who speaks. At times, Simon forgets, and then something happens that reminds him. It sort of breaks his heart every time, and he has to remind himself that it is a very patronizing way to look at the situation.

As they are halfway through dinner, a girl from Simon’s arts and media class stops by to say hi. They small talk for a few minutes and she leaves. After the girl is gone, Ted has the most annoying knowing smile on his face and Simon doesn’t know why.

“What?”

“Does she know you’re gay?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“She’s into you.”

“No, she’s not!”

“Actually,” Amara says, “even I could tell that she was hoping you would ask her to sit with us.”

“No, she wasn’t!”

“He’s a bit oblivious,” Ted tells Amara. “Listen, Roomie, just mention casually that you’re gay, and she’ll be far less disappointed about you not asking her to sit with you.”

“I’m not coming out to my arts and media class just because you think a girl might have a crush on me.”

“True,” Ted agrees. “It would be far more awkward if a boy had a crush on you. Like that guy from the play.”

“Louis does not have a crush on me.”

Ted hums. That kind of hum that says that he thinks exactly the opposite. Which is ridiculous. People don’t have crushed on Simon. Except for Bram, but that was fate – or Simon using all his karma points in one go.

“Ted, leave him alone. Simon, tell me about the play.”

“This term, we’re doing musical theatre. It’s more challenging than a regular play for most students, but I’m actually more used to that.”

“Is your boy coming to see you?” Amara asks, her voice soft and gentle.

“No. It’s a really long commute, he would have to fly in, and I’m pretty much an extra in the play.”

“He’s not,” Ted says. “He has lines, and his character is actually funny.” Ted really enjoyed helping Simon learn his lines. “But we have a solution for Bob. I’m going to film the play.”

“Is that allowed?” Amara asks.

Ted shrugs. “I’m not going to ask. And I’m only going to film when sunshine here is on stage.”

“You’re impossible,” Amara comments. “Honestly, Simon, how do you cope with him all the time?”

“I go to the library a lot.”

Ted is the first one to laugh at the comment. It’s easy with the three of them. Simon can picture Bram sitting with them, having a nice time. That might be how Simon can tell if he’s friends with someone: does he trust that Bram could fit in that relationship as well. Cute, quiet Bram who hates meeting new people, who isn’t the biggest fan of socializing. Simon is pretty sure that Bram wouldn’t mind Ted and Amara.

Ted looks at his phone and swears. “Guys, we missed the movie.”

Simon panics slightly, but Amara smiles. “Like half of the times we plan to watch a movie,” she says. “I’m sorry Simon, I should have warned you to keep an eye on the time.”

“I don’t mind,” Simon says. “I should have known better to be fair.”

“Plus, it means we have time for dessert,” Ted says with a smile. “They’ve got Oreo cake,” he adds with a wink.

Amara feels around to find her glass on the table and Simon can see that Ted is carefully observing what she’s doing, ready to jump in if need be, but doesn’t do anything to help her. It must be hard. Even Simon just wants to hand her the glass. Not out of pity, just to be helpful. But he understands that she might feel belittled by people treating her like that. She should be allowed to do the things she can do on her own, even if it would be easier for Ted – or even Simon- to do them.

“So Ted told me you’re getting a dog,” Simon says, not sure if it’s the sort of questions he’s allowed to ask.

Amaya frowns. “I’m trying anyway. It’s a waiting game, really. I had to be assessed, and I finally got the confirmation that with my blindness and lifestyle, a dog is the best way forward for me. Now I have to wait until there is an opening until I can go and do the training with my future dog. The average wait is six months.”

“That much?”

“It seems long, but in the end, I’m sure it will fly by. And it’s for the best, really. I need to come to terms with what happened to me first, I think. I’m nearly there, though. I don’t really feel angry or sorry for myself anymore. Now, I’m just… adjusting.”

“And you’re doing very well, Lovely.”

“I’m doing fine,” she tempers, her hand finding Ted’s on the table. “That’s because you’ve been my rock when I couldn’t cope on my own.”

Ted looks at her with adoration in his eyes. Simon isn’t sure if – were Amara able to see it – she would reciprocate or make fun of him. Perhaps both.

“How did the two of you meet?” Simon asks.

“The usual story,” Ted replies, detaching his eyes from her. “New kid in middle school, kids were being bullies, someone stands up to the bullies, victim and savior fall madly in love… If you’ve ever watched a Netflix movie, you know what I’m on about.”

“So you’re a knight in shining armor?”

“What? No. I was the kid on the floor with a bloody nose and she was the girl everyone was afraid of because she had been doing kickboxing since she was six. That’s actually how we truly bonded. My parents were looking for an activity to channel my energy and she introduced me to kickboxing. It was perfect for me because I didn’t just let energy out, I also had to learn about self-control.”

“Plus he can’t talk with a mouth guard,” Amara says. “So that really was a win-win.”

 

Simon feels warm and fluffy after that evening. He is so happy for Ted. She is perfect for him. He completely believes in love, and in him and Bram making it. And Amara was so inspiring, on so many levels.

Simon thinks about Bram and Eddy. Garrett and Steve. He really was the lucky one with his roommate situation.

 

The morning of the premiere, Ted wakes Simon up with the best breakfast ever, helps him go through his lines one last time even if Simon doesn’t really need it, he keeps Simon’s nervous energy in check, which is so unlike Ted, and Simon feels completely calm and ready when he makes it to the stage.

It’s not that different from high school, and then it is. Simon has lines, sure, but it’s more than that. It’s the cast and technical team who have a more professional quality, it’s the audience who cares about the art more than their children or friends, it’s these people who are living and breathing art more than one evening per week as an extra-curricular club.

When the curtain falls, Simon feels on top of the world. The last couple of hours probably make it to the top five moments of his life. The other four would be – in no particular order:

  * getting Bieber,
  * having sex with Bram for the first time (although whenever he thinks about this one, he is never sure which of their interaction he would label that),
  * that day in elementary school when the school was closed for the day because of a snowstorm – _in GEORGIA!_ – and Nick, Leah, and Simon spent the day playing in the snow. Simon, aside from being crazy from seeing real snowfall for the first time ever, got a sense of forever that day. These two friends were the family he chose for himself and he knew then that it was meant to last,
  * a certain Tilt-A-Whirl ride in a small carnival…



Yes, Simon is buzzing.

When he leaves the changing room, he is caught up by Louis. “Hey, Spier!”

“Hey, Louis! Well done today! You were great on stage!”

Louis nervously rubs the back of his neck. “Thanks. You were great too.”

“It was a tiny role.”

“It doesn’t mean the quality of delivery doesn’t matter. Look, Spier, do you want to go get a drink to celebrate the premiere?”

“Sure, is all the cast going?”

“Oh… no, I meant… I meant just you and me.”

“Oh.” _Fuck_. Simon can’t believe that Ted was right. “Louis, I’d love to, but… I have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t be right.”

“Isn’t your boyfriend in New York?”

“He is,” Simon replies, confused.

“Don’t the two of you have an agreement?”

“An agr… No, we don’t.”

“Oh, wow, really? Okay then. Can we pretend this never happened?”

“Sure. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Simon.”

Before Simon can process that he has just been asked out by someone who just assumed he was in an open relationship, Ted appears out of nowhere and hugs Simon very tightly. “Roomie, you were great! Better than I expected. It was great. You, the songs, the light, the girl in the red dress. I mean… she was very nice to look at. And don’t get any ideas, Amara is still by far my number one. Just like you and Brendon. By the way, you and blondie… was I right, or was I right? Can I say I told you so? Or are you just going to admit that I can read people better than you? Which means that the girl from last weekend…”

Then Ted stops talking. He’s not being dramatic -not more than usual anyway – he just saw something that caught his eye and is now making him smile like a child on Christmas day. Simon is tempted to look back, but he’d rather try to guess what he saw. Before he can say anything, though, Ted says, happier than ever: “Ben is here!”

“Who?”

“Bruce!”

Simon’s heart skips ten beats in a row. Surely, he doesn’t mean Bram, does he? Simon turns around and a few feet away, leaning against the wall, a soft smile on his face, a sports bag with a bouquet lying on it, Bram is looking at Simon.

Simon doesn’t even make the decision to move. His body jumps into Bram’s arms of his own volition, and Bram’s arms close up tightly around Simon.

“Babe!” Simon whispers against Bram’s shoulder. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see your play.”

“I can’t believe you came! How long are you here for?”

Bram moves back slightly, just so he can run his thumbs against Simon’s cheeks. “Five days.”

“What about school?”

“I worked extra hard so I could take five days off without feeling guilty. Of course, Eddy disapproves.”

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Yes, definitely one of Simon’s top five moments.

“Me too. The play was great, but I also got front row tickets to see you turn down Cal Number Two. That was awesome.”

Bram is still happily smiling, and Simon knows that there is nothing hiding behind that comment. He is about to reply when Ted clears his throat really loudly behind them.

“Oh, sorry. Bram, this is Ted. Ted, Bram.”

The two boys shake hands. “Hi, Ted. Nice to meet you face to face.”

“You too! It’s like meeting a celebrity. But worse, because if I ask you for a picture or an autograph, you’ll just think I’m a creep. Okay, I’ll let you two catch up, and I’ll be staying at Amara’s for a couple of days.”

“Why?” Simon asks. Ted looks at him like he’s a moron and, yeah, he deserves that one.

 

They make it to Simon’s dorm and he is a bit nervous. The high faded a bit, and Simon realizes that he and Bram haven’t even kissed yet.

“This is my dorm,” Simon says after using a water bottle as a vase for Bram’s flowers.

“I know. I’ve seen it on Skype,” Bram teases. “It’s a very nice dorm,” Bram whispered the last part as he walked right into Simon’s space. Simon shivers and pulls Bram in to finally link their lips together. “You were so beautiful on stage,” Bram says between kisses. “How are you always so beautiful?”

Simon doesn’t answer and leads them both to the bed instead. They undress themselves and each other quickly and are already naked when they collapse on the bed – thank God Simon changed the sheets yesterday.

Their lips detach barely enough for breathing, magnetized together again and again. Hands are traveling everywhere, relentless and eager.

Bram grabs his bag, gets some lube out and gets some on his fingers. As sexy as it looks, Simon feels slightly uneasy.

“Babe, I…”

“I know. I just don’t want to bottom either.” And he’s back on top of Simon, and around the two of them, sliding up and down nicely. Simon’s hand reaches down to cup them and Bram groans. Their free hands link together and they are hugging, kissing, whispering and getting off at the same time.

They both come pretty quickly, carried away by feelings – emotional and physical.

In a few ways, this was more a quickie than lovemaking, but it’s what they needed, and Bram is there for five days. Simon knows that Ted is going to make himself scarce. Plus, they have a system now.

 

Simon and Bram are sitting on Simon’s bed, eating pizza, making plans for Bram’s stay in Chicago.

“You know I’ll be busy, though. I have three more days doing the play.”

“I know. I intend to come to every single one of them.”

“Thank you.”

“Whatever for?”

“For being so supportive. For genuinely enjoying watching me on stage. For coming all this way. For surprising me. For the flowers. For knowing I didn’t want to bottom without me having to say it. For not freaking out or stepping in when that guy asked me out… Honestly, I could just carry on.”

“Thank you for loving me,” Bram replies.

Simon knows exactly what he means. He has the same feeling in his chest whenever he thinks about Bram. “Of course I love you. A little bit more every day.”

And he truly does.

 

 


	47. The first time Stan lost something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What sort of title is that?  
> Well, keep reading... ;)

**Bram**

 

Bram wakes up with his head on Simon’s chest and he immediately feels warm and happy. Coming here is the best decision he made in a long time. Simon was great on stage, as always, but there was something even more pleasing in how happy he looked when he saw Bram.

Bram opens his eyes. The light coming through the window is pale and pink. It’s still early.

Bram runs his lips on Simon’s exposed neck and he lets out a content sigh.

“‘Morning Babe.”

“Good morning Love. Did you sleep well?”

“I’m not sure,” Simon replies with a cheeky smile. Someone was taking a lot of space in my bed.”

“Oh, really? I could sleep in Ted’s bed tonight. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

Simon wraps his arms around Bram, keeping him against him. “I’d sleep in a bathtub with you.”

Bram chuckles. “Don’t you have to get ready for class?”

“We don’t have class on performance days,” Simon replies. “I have to be there by two, but I’m all yours all morning.”

That could mean getting out of bed and exploring Chicago. Or that could mean staying in bed and doing better than yesterday. Take better care of Simon. Take his time.

Bram starts kissing down Simon’s chest. Simon stops him halfway through. Bram looks at him with a question in his eyes.

“Wait… Yesterday evening was fair enough because we agreed on it, but this morning… Ted might come back.”

“Should we stop?”

“Absolutely not. But I need to make sure he won’t come in.”

“Ah. Sock on the door?”

“Sort of.”

Simon gets quickly out of bed and opens the door. On the whiteboard just below his room number, he writes a message. Bram reads ‘ _Stan, I have your Chem book._ ’

“Who is Stan?” Bram asks, confused.

“He doesn’t exist,” Simon replies locking the door. “But whenever he loses something, that means someone might be naked in here.”

“What’s wrong with the sock on the door?”

Simon shrugs. “Long story.”

“And is the Stan method as effective as the sock one?”

“Dunno. I never used the sock and it’s the first time Stan ever lost something.”

Bram smiles and pulls Simon back in bed. Let’s make sure that Stan wants to lose his stuff more often. Simon is still a bit asleep which makes it easier on Bram to take charge. He picks things up where they left off, kissing down Simon’s chest. Bram is really hard, and he still wants more from yesterday, yet right now, he doesn’t really want anything for himself. What he wants is to see Simon undone, panting and pleased.

Slowly take care of Simon.

So he does just that. For the better part of an hour, he takes care of Simon in every way the other boy likes, experimenting with things he might like, loving that Simon trusts him in all of that. Bram knows that Simon has a nervousness in his about sex. He has known since the cabin. He is reminded every time they are reunited and Simon needs time before he can properly let go.

It never takes much, and Bram hopes that it is a sign that Simon is comfortable with him. Hopefully, with time, all traces of that will disappear, and Simon will just be comfortable all the time. Or, at least, Simon will stop feeling embarrassed when that happens.

So right now is all about that: making Simon let go, stop thinking and enjoy. And Bram does until Simon can’t take it anymore.

 

“Between you and the play, I’m going to need a lot of caffeine to keep my energy up the next few days,” Simon jokes as they are both finishing getting dressed again. As a reply, Bram pulls him closer and kisses him again. Not to get kinky again, it’s a slow and sweet kiss saying without words how much he loves Simon and how much he misses him every day.

Although it might be for the best that they are in different states. Bram wouldn’t get any work done otherwise.

Simon’s phone buzzes. “It’s Ted. He wants to know if we want to have breakfast with him and Amara at Josh.”

“I don’t know what ‘Josh’ is, but sure. It would be nice to get to know him. And her.”

“Great. Let me just text him back. And Josh is this place we go for breakfast every Saturday morning. It’s like a treat for a week well done.”

“Oh, the place with the nice lattes?”

“That’s the one!”

 

When they leave Simon’s building, Bram notices that snow started falling. He remembers the first time he saw real heavy snow in New York. It was late this year. Simon had some before him and Bram remembers feeling a bit jealous. It doesn’t snow that much in Georgia and he wanted to experience that.

He remembers the first morning and how quiet everything seemed. Like the snow swallowed the sounds of the world. He remembers walking in the fresh snow, the sound it made, how it felt, and how happy he was just leaving footsteps in it. He remembers getting up at six a.m. to build a snowman, his first one ever, with Garrett in Central Park and finishing with a snowball fight. He remembers being as happy and goofy as a child.

But he also remembers struggling to get to different places in the city. He remembers starting to get tired of the neverending cold, always wondering if going out is really worth it. He remembers the white and enchanting snow turning in a greyish, brownish, dirty slush. Reality did not match the expectations he built in his head as a child. It was almost like realizing that Santa isn’t real all over again.

It hasn’t snowed for weeks in New York, though, and Bram is ready for a bit more. Plus, and it’s almost wishful thinking at this point, maybe the snow will get so bad that Bram will have to delay going back. Stay with Simon a while longer.

He knows it’s not going to happen, but it’s nice to daydream about it for a minute.

“Babe?”

Bram looks away from the sky and sees an amused smile on Simon’s face.

“Sorry, it’s just…”

“Mesmerizing?” Simon finishes.

“Yes. As long as it’s white and shiny.”

Simon laughs. He knows that snow hasn’t been Bram’s favorite part of winter in spite of how impatiently he waited for it. “Spring will be here in no time, Babe!”

 

The first time Simon mentioned Ted, he said he was a bit like Garrett on speed. Bram can definitely see that. Same issues with boundaries, same sporty side, same surprisingly attention and care to others… But he sees the differences too. Ted, probably because of his ADHD, seems to be more organized. As if he thinks about everything he does and in which order he should do them. He is more academic, too. His sporty side doesn’t come from a passion like Garrett but from a need to burn energy.

Most importantly, Bram finally realized that Ted is not Simon’s Garrett. The two of them have a different relationship and Bram is not quite sure why he was expecting otherwise. Probably because Garrett has been his rock so far. But that’s clearly what Ted is for Simon, in his own way.

Bram doesn’t really talk to Ted that much, though, because he is mainly talking to Amara. Her mother is from Hawaii, her father is from Morrocco, they both met in a gap year in Chicago and never left. She says they bonded over how much they hate the cold but stayed there because whenever the temperatures drop, they are reminded of what they found when they gave up the sun. it’s obviously not the reason, but it’s her favorite story. She grew up between two cultures. More so than Bram. Even more so than Andrew. She is partly Jewish too. She speaks four languages from home, two more from school, and wanted to study linguistics ‘before all that’. When Bram tells her that she should still do that, he can see on Ted’s face that it’s something he has told her before. She shrugs and says that she is not really giving up. She is just postponing. She doesn’t mind having a different timeline.

She does not feel sorry for herself. Ever. So Bram doesn’t feel sorry for her either. Except for one thing. He thinks that it’s a shame she cannot see the way Ted looks at her.

Bram is happy, in a way, that those two are in Simon’s life. He likes that Simon’s examples of love are his parents, his roommate, even Alice. People who make love work. People who beat the odds. Just like the two of them are going to do. When Bram sees that, he feels sad about his father. Not the getting divorced part – Bram is no longer a child and he understands that this is life; he means the part about suggesting that he and Simon should break up. Why are people usually so prompt to give up when it comes to relationships? And why do they feel the need to comment on other people’s choices?

 

“So? What do you think of Ted?” Simon asks as they are walking back to the campus.

“I like him. But he really didn’t have to pay for breakfast.”

“Don’t worry. He’s like that. We’ll invite them next time.”

“And it was very nice of them to agree to babysit me.” Simon is going to be busy in the afternoons for three more days. Ted and Amara decided to give Bram the whole ‘touristic and cultural Chicago tour’ after lunch every day and to bring him back in time for the play.

“Ted is like that. I don’t really know Amara that well yet, but I guess she’s a bit like him. They grew up together. Almost literally. You seemed to have bonded nicely with her.”

“She’s great! She’s very inspiring. And that’s even without how she handles what happened to her.”

“I’m sure it must be tougher than she shows.”

“Probably. But that might be her mindset. The more you present things positively, the more you see them that way.”

“True,” Simon agrees. “Okay. What do you want to do? If we walk that way, there is a great view of the city skyline.”

Bram hesitates. “I don’t want to be a buzzkill. But I’m also freezing. Could we do something indoors?”

Simon smiles at him like you smile down at a child. “Then again, didn’t I tell you to borrow gloves and a scarf from Ted’s wardrobe?”

“I know, but I barely knew him, it was weird.”

“And frostbites are a much better option than social awkwardness,” Simon teases. But he takes Brams hands in his, cups them, and blows on his fingers. “Then again… I know some indoor activities that should warm you up,” Simon announces suggestively kissing Bram’s fingers.

“Really? Is Stan going to lose something again?”

“He is quite forgetful.”

“How far is your dorm?”

“I’d say twelve minutes?”

“Let’s make it ten!”

 

Simon is climbing in bed, in his pajama, looking sleepy. Bram joins him.

“Babe, how do you feel about a movie and some sleep? I’m a bit tired.”

“Tired? You look exhausted! I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have come for all the plays.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’d keep you here for the rest of the year if I could.”

“Still. Maybe we should do less tiring activities tomorrow?”

“Good luck with that. Besides, I’d be tired after the play regardless, so we should really do these activities during the day.”

Bram smiles. He would definitely have kept his hands off Simon if it was what the other boy needed, but if it’s not… he is more than happy to ‘do these activities during the day’.

Bram opens his arms and Simon curls up against him. “I like this,” Simon says. “Coming home with you. Not having to share you with anyone.”

“Same here, Love.”

“Yeah, but… it’s my life. It’s my everyday life. Plus you. It’s what I wish for every day, you know?”

“I do know. I can’t wait for you to be able to come to New York.”

“We need to plan that,” Simon agrees.

“You know… and don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, and I miss you, but… long distance doesn’t feel as hard as everyone said it would be. Three years and a half. We can do that. And then we won’t just pop in each other’s daily life. We will be each other’s daily life… If that’s what you want.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Babe. Of course, it’s what I want.”

 

Are they being ridiculous? Bram doesn’t think so. They can definitely do it. And then everything will be perfect. Right?

 

 


	48. The first time Alice disappointed Simon

**Simon**

 

Simon leaves class feeling happy and light. It was his last lecture before his spring break. A few other students invited him to go to Florida with them, enjoy the sun, but Simon has other plans. He is taking a night train to Ohio to finally visit Alice at college. They will spend two days there before driving back to Atlanta.

Where Bram will join him after a quick detour to Savannah.

Ted has plans too. He is going to Saint Louis with Amara where she is finally getting her guide dog. It is going to be a process. Apparently, you can’t just go there and walk out with the dog, which makes sense, but Simon never really thought about it before.

Simon, as any student who is neither Bram nor – God forbid – Eddy, plans on doing absolutely zero work this week. He will spend time with his sisters, Bram, Nick, and even Leah who is finally back from South America.

Simon is genuinely so excited!

 

Alice is waiting for him at the station. It’s six a.m. and Simon is tired. He didn’t sleep that well on the poorly named sleeper train, then he had to wait in the cold for his connection and wasn’t able to sleep on this train, afraid he would miss his stop. Plus, it’s six a.m. But he gets an outburst of energy when he sees her and he pretty much jumps into her arms.

They hug tightly and he hears someone commenting on how sweet it is to witness couples reuniting. It’s both really funny and extremely disturbing.

“Breakfast or sleep?”

“Sleep, please,” Simon answers.

“I really hoped you’d say that! Let’s get a cab!” Alice doesn’t live in a dorm anymore. She shares a flat with four other girls. Two of them already left for spring break, one of them is at her girlfriend’s and the last one is sleeping. Simon quickly looks around Alice’s flat. It’s what he expected it to be. Spacious yet small for five, messy but not dirty, very colorful, pieces of furniture who obviously came one by one thanks to opportunity rather than bought together with a design in mind. Simon loves it instantly.

Alice tells him that Maria – it’s the first time Simon hears her name, unless he forgot – agreed to leave him her bedroom for his stay. Her bed is comfy and smells like flowers. Simon just takes off his shoes and hoodie and falls asleep almost instantly.

 

Alice and Simon are alone in the apartment when he wakes up. He looks at his phone. It’s ten already. Simon never really was a morning person. Unless anything with Bram is involved, obviously.

In the living room, Alice is in front of the TV, eating some cereals.

“Hey, you. I was starting to think you died in there.”

“What are you even watching?”

“I’m not sure. It’s people on an island. I am no idea what they’re supposed to do but he is pissed with her because of something the guy in green did.”

Simon takes the bowl from Alice and sits next to her. “Do you think our parents showed us too much reality TV?” he asks her.

“Definitely. We still turned out alright.”

“You did. Nora and I are still up for debate.”

“Well… Obviously, I’m the smart one. But I’m also the boring one. She’s in a band and you had the guts to study what you’re passionate about at college. I’m studying to become an accountant. I like it, but I know people think I’m the boring sister.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know… lately, I have been thinking about college and choosing to study out of state even if it was more expensive because I liked the school, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to leave the nest… So far, though, even with my job at the restaurant, I am piling up such a debt. For someone who is good with numbers, it’s a bit terrifying. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad if I were studying for a passion rather than a career.”

“A career is more likely to pay back that student loan,” Simon replies now worried that he is getting in debt for a job most people struggle to get a living from. And that’s if he becomes an actor. He still has no idea ‘what he wants to do when he grows up’.

“I know,” Alice says. Then she nudges him softly before taking the bowl back. “Don’t worry, Bub. You’ll be fine too. I’m just tired. I’m just moody.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. No. I… Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, you can. We can always talk, right?”

“Two weeks ago, I was at this party with some friends and Theo couldn’t be there because he had to work a late shift at the theater and… there was this guy. We met a couple of times around campus and… I had been drinking, he was charming, I barely see Theo lately, and… please tell me that you get it and don’t make me say it out loud.”

“I get it,” Simon replies. “What did Theo say?”

“Nothing.”

Simon is confused for a second. Surely, Theo would have something to say about his girlfriend cheating on him. Unless, of course, he doesn’t know about it. “Oh, Alice…”

“I know, but… If he doesn’t know, I can just pretend it didn’t happen. Things can just remain the way they are.”

“But it did happen.” Simon thinks back about Bram and Andrew. How pretty much nothing happened and it was eating Bram up, resurfacing now and then, until it blew up like the ticking bomb it was. “There is no way he can forgive you if he finds out from someone else.”

“There is no way he can forgive me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do. We talked about it before. It was all hypothetical, but he felt very strongly on the subject.”

“As you said, it was hypothetical. He might feel differently face with a real situation.”

“I’m just being a coward, really. The truth is… I liked it.”

“Cheating?”

“No, not that. I felt bad about that part. Especially after. I liked the part about meeting someone new, the chase, the butterflies… you know, the feelings you get at the beginning of a relationship.”

“Alice, I get that, but… It’s fine to fool around. It’s never fine to be a cheater.”

“I know that.”

“Then you have to tell him. All of it. The hookup and the wanting something more part.”

“I don’t think I want more. I think I want to break up. We don’t feel right anymore. I think we’re just… used to each other.”

“That doesn’t make what happened okay,” Simon tells her. He knows he’s being judgmental, but he can’t help it. He still loves her as much as he did before this conversation, but he is also disappointed in her. For the first time ever.

“I know. The timeline is all messy and fucked up, and… how do you cope with your man so far? Are you ever tempted?”

Simon knows she’s trying to either divert the conversation or look for something that could ease her burden somewhat. “Yes and no. I haven’t had sex in nearly two months. I mean, we do Skype or phone stuff, but it’s not the same. Last week, I went out with some friends and this guy was hitting on me at the bar. I’m not joking, Alice, he was the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen in real life. And he was very funny. In a smart way. In another life, I’m sure I would have done anything that guy would have asked me to. But in this life, I have a boyfriend. Which means that nothing can happen. If I felt like cheating, it would be time to end things. Then I can do whatever I want. But I don’t just have a boyfriend. I have Bram. So that handsome, smart, incredible smelling guy wasn’t that appealing. Was he attractive? Yes. Did I want to do stuff with him? Not really. It’s not just about not wanting to risk losing Bram, it’s also… he’s not Bram.”

Alice sighs. “Boop was right.”

“What about?”

“The two of you are ridiculously in love. Mom and Dad look like they’re from a forced marriage in comparison.”

“Or we’re just young and foolish,” Simon tempers.

“Either way. I feel like shit. I get that Theo isn’t the one. Maybe I just thought that the one you meet in college is the one if you try hard enough. And he is great. I am happy with him. He is just not… what I need, I guess.”

“Alice, you don’t have to justify wanting to break up. Sometimes, we know someone is not quite right even if we can’t really explain why or how. A break up doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“But cheating does.”

Simon would like to say no. he would like to tell her that it’s fine, even if it’s a lie. But the words don’t make it past his lips. It doesn’t matter. Alice didn’t phrase it as a question. Instead, he tells her: “We all do messed-up things. What I did to Abby in junior year was not my proudest moment. The only thing you can do is come clean, deal with the consequences, and do better next time. That’s how you redeem yourself.”

“I know. I’m just being a bit of a coward.”

“It’s a hard situation. You will hate living it, but you will feel better after.”

“I love you, Bub.”

“I love you too. Even when you screw up.”

He hugs her, and she says. “Alright. Let’s not talk about it for a while. I won’t see Theo until after the break and I don’t want to do this over the phone. I don’t want to lose any more karma points. How do you feel about visiting Ohio?”

“All of Ohio?”

Alice finally gets her happy smile back. “Yes. If we just drive through all the major cities and don’t stop for any reason, we might be able to.”

“I’d rather just have a walk around Columbus.”

“I’ll show you all my favorite places. And we can go to Cincinnati when we drive down tomorrow. It will delay us, but isn’t that what spring break is all about? Last-minute plans?”

“That sounds perfect,” Simon agrees.

“Hey, you know what? Let’s see what’s at the Ohio Theater. Sometimes they have Broadway shows there. There might be something you’d like to see tonight.”

Simon could jump from excitement. Simon takes his phone out of his pocket to have a look at the program when he gets a call. He is always a bit freaked out when timings like this happen. Simon looks at his phone. It’s Garrett. He can’t even remember the last time Garrett called him.

“Garrett, hi!”

“Hey, Simon. Are you busy right now?”

“No, not really. I’m just hanging out with Alice. Why?”

“Look… I know it’s not the plan at all, but… do you think it would be possible for you to come to New York? Like… now?”

Simon feels something very unpleasant grow in his stomach.

“Why? Is Bram alright?” Simon sees Alice’s eyes get worried and that panics him even further.

“He’s… no, he’s not alright.”

“Did something happen to him?”

“No… not really _to him_ , but… something did happen.”

“Wait, I’ll go to another room. Then tell me everything.”

 

 


	49. The first time Bram missed the signs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one includes some upsetting topics. You might want to skip. There will be everything you need in the next chapter to understand what happens without having to read the maybe-upsetting part.

 

**Bram**

 

Last day before break. Bram sometimes felt like it would never be there. Especially because of all the extra work he did. He wanted to make sure he cleared the week. It is going to be a busy one and he wants to be able to focus on the people he will be with rather than always thinking about work piling up.

Which means that, for once, Eddy didn’t have anything to reproach Bram. Although Bram didn’t mention that he was working ahead just to be able to stop working for a while.

Bram hasn’t seen his father at all this year, but they have spoken on the phone regularly. He wants to see him though. Spend time with Levi too. Bram refuses to become a stranger to his brother, no matter what.

He will see Nick again, and they already plan to go play soccer in the park with Garrett and a couple of other boys who will be back in Atlanta.

He will see Leah again. Although she is more Simon’s friends, Bram is looking forward to seeing her and hear all about what she did in South America.

He wants to see his mother again. Cook with her. Watch a documentary she will overly criticize. Being dragged to the hairdresser… He is looking forward to seeing Phil too. Not just him, but also the lingering happy smile he leaves on his mother’s face.

And Simon. Of course, Simon. Saying goodbye hurts less every time, but getting reunited never loses its strength. Each time is like becoming whole again, and Bram always feels like there isn’t enough time. No amount of time could be enough time.

If he could wake up with Simon, spend the day with Simon, talk to Simon, do mindless and mindful tasks with Simon, make plans with Simon, go to bed with Simon, make love with Simon and fall asleep with Simon every single day, would that be enough? Would that be too much? Surely, there couldn’t be too much of Simon.

Could there be something such as ‘too much of Bram’ for Simon?

Bram is taken out of his divagations by Eddy who comes back into their dorm just as Bram is closing his suitcase.

“Packed already?” Eddy asks.

“Yeah. I’m leaving tomorrow night.” Eddy seems about to say something, but Bram would rather rip the band-aid. “I am going out with some friends from my study group tonight. So I’ll stay at Garrett’s tonight.”

“Why?”

“So I don’t stumble back drunk in the middle of the night. I know you don’t like being woken up.”

“No one likes to be woken up.”

“Yeah, well. That won’t be an issue tonight. We’ll be leaving for Georgia in the morning, so I won’t be coming back. Enjoy the peace and quiet.”

“Thanks. And it’s for the best. I have plans tonight and I am going to need the room.”

Bram almost jumps in surprise. Plans? The room? As in… with a lady? Bram really hopes so. He never met anyone who needed to get laid as much as Eddy does. “Perfect timing then. Have fun.”

“Thanks. Goodbye, Bram.”

“Yeah. See you.”

 

One fewer day with Eddy feels like a bonus.

 

That night, Bram goes out with his study group, although he mainly spends time with Tim and Mary. When Garrett joins them, he is already a bit drunk. Not much – Bram doesn’t really like the feeling of losing control when he is not in a safe place – just enough to feel free and to let go of the stress of a challenging term and the upcoming exams.

They go to different places and at some point, they end up in a gay bar. Some guy comes up to Bram as he is ordering more drinks and asks him if he’d like to get to know each other better. There is something in the way he says it that indicates that he doesn’t mean talking about their hopes and dreams. Bram realizes, maybe for the first time, how easy it would be to find someone to spend the night with. That makes him think about Simon, several states away, and how amazing it is to be so sure that he would not go home with that kind of guy. Or any kind of guy. Bram passes on the offer and the guy just moves on to someone else. Bram could be offended if he cared in the slightest.

“You look happy,” Garrett comments as Bram sits down with them again.

“It’s because I’m in love.”

“Okay, someone clearly drank enough.” Garrett knows Bram’s limit better than his own.

“I know. It’s Coke.”

“Good lad!”

 

Bram and Garrett are staring at Garrett’s door. There is a sock on the door. And actual sock on the door. As in plain-like-rain-Steve is having sex.

“It’s a joke, right?” Garrett asks. “He’s just messing with me.”

“That wouldn’t be a very funny joke.”

“He isn’t a very funny guy.”

Bram looks at his phone. “It’s two a.m. Surely; they’re done. Should we knock?” But then noises start behind the door. Steve and what sounds like _at least_ a girl are very not much done. Garrett looks horrified.

“How is Steve having a better sex life than me?”

“I know you took that girl home at that End of the World party.”

“Excuse-me, she took me home. But… could we get out of here? Please.”

Bram gladly follows Garrett as far as they can from the room.

“I don’t think I want to go back to that room,” Garrett says. “Like… ever. Oh, God… what if they’re in my bed.”

“Steve wouldn’t do that,” Bram replies but he also has to admit that he clearly doesn’t know Steve. Even less than he thought he did. “Okay, let’s go to my dorm.”

“Didn’t you say Eddy needed the room for something?”

“Yeah, but let’s face it, it’s probably studying, cleaning, or creating a voodoo doll of me.”

 

Garrett seems to accept that answer, but he sort of chickens out when they enter Bram’s building. “What will Eddy say?” Garrett asks, looking like he asked the most serious question in the universe and Bram can’t help but think that his friend might be a bit intimidated by the cold, judgmental, unapproachable personality of Bram’s roommate.

“Everything I do annoys Eddy,” Bram comments. “At this point, I’m on the verge of doing annoying things on purpose just because I can.”

“Bram Louis Greenfeld… There is a mean bone in your body after all.”

“I think I need to ask for a new roommate next year,” Bram replies. “I don’t think Eddy is turning me into a nice person.”

Garrett snorts but doesn’t reply anything. He knows Bram is right. Garrett is a few steps ahead so Bram hands him the keys.

“Oh, so I get to be on the frontline when Eddy realizes that we’re crashing your place, huh? Thanks. Real friendship there. If I see any action, we’re going back to my dorm and I throw you in the room. One naked roommate for another.”

But Garrett gets the keys and opens the door. Then Bram isn’t sure what happens. Garrett takes two steps in the room before suddenly stopping and pushing Bram back somewhat violently. Surprised, Bram loses balance and falls on the floor. He looks up to see Garrett run back into the room.

Bram’s mind splits instantly. Part of it understands that Garrett did that for a reason and that Bram should stay right where he is. But mostly, he can’t process what’s happening and he stands up, not really in a rush, more in a haze, and walks into his dorm just Garrett manages to get Eddy down.

Bram’s brain does everything it can to not face what’s happening in front of him. Like focusing on the unimportant things. The letter on his pillow. The sheet he used as a rope and Bram isn’t quite sure how Eddy managed to get it to securely hang like that… He can see Garrett use his first aid training to get Eddy to start breathing again but the information somehow doesn’t register.

Because this cannot possibly be true. This cannot be Bram’s reality.

There is no way he lives in a world where his roommate hanged himself and Bram didn’t see it coming.

Bram is still standing there like an idiot while Garrett is already calling 911 on speaker and performing CPR. Or whatever he’s doing. It doesn’t look like the movies. Bram still isn’t properly processing what’s happening. Not because of the alcohol. Bram never felt more sober than in this moment. Yet he is there, useless, looking at Garrett trying to keep Eddy alive. Or bring him back?

Bram is starting to panic. Is Eddy dead? What’s happening?

“Greenfeld,” Garrett says, calmly, “I need you to focus and stop what you’re doing. You’re really not helping and I can’t worry about you right now. If it’s too much, just go wait outside.”

Bram doesn’t want to leave. How could he leave? His legs take him our anyway. He leans on the wall and slides down until he’s sitting on the floor. He can’t process anything but the regular sound of Garrett trying to get Eddy to breathe.

The paramedics are there very quickly. Quickly enough?

 

Bram and Garrett are not allowed to ride on the ambulance but they are given the name of the hospital.

It’s the longest night in Bram’s entire life. He is not family so no one tells him anything. There is nothing for him to do but wait. Garrett, as the amazing friend that he is, stays with Bram the entire time, even though Bram probably lets out five words before sunrise.

Then pieces of information arrive one by one. The patient was not unconscious that long. Thanks to Garrett, the patient was breathing on his own before the medical team arrived. The patient is going to be fine. The patient is awake.

“Hey, Bram. Relax man. You heard them. Eddy is awake. We should get some rest.”

Bram shakes his head. “I’m staying until I can see him.”

“They said it would be a few more hours.”

“I don’t care.”

“Bram…”

“I need to know why he did that.”

“Bram, I know you’re upset, but…”

“I’m not upset,” Bram interrupts him. “I’m angry. I’m fucking angry.”

“What?”

“What was that all about? What’s so shitty about his life that he would do that to his family? To his friends? To me? I don’t care how hard his life seemed to him. There are thousands of people whose life is far shittier and who power through every day.”

“Bram, you don’t know his life. You don’t know his mental state. You can’t judge him like that.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Stop being so reasonable all the time. Yes, his life was hard. Well, you know what? So is mine. I’ve been a teenage black Jewish gay kid in Georgia. Don’t you think I thought about that once or twice? Of course, I did. But you don’t just do it. And I don’t mean for any religious reason, I mean because of the people that count on you. I know he has parents who call him all the time. What could justify putting them through that? What about whoever was going to find him? What if we made it an hour later? Or a week? So what? He was feeling a bit down and he watched too much 13 reasons why?”

Bram is out of breath, realizing that he spoke loudly in a corridor that is not as empty as he would have liked. Garrett doesn’t look at Bram like he’s crazy. He’s looking at him like he’s giving him space to let out what he needs to let out. Garrett. The one person you need next to you in a crisis, apparently. Bram never was so grateful for Garrett before. Bram never was so irritated by Garrett before. He knows he’s being unfair, he knows he’s being a dick. He just cannot help it.

“Just say it,” Garrett says softly.

“Say what?”

“Man, you can’t see him if you’re angry at him. You can _tell him_ that you’re angry, but you can’t _be_ angry when you walk into that room. Today, Eddy gets a free pass. Especially as he’s not who you’re really mad at.”

Bram knows what Garrett is saying, but he doesn’t want to admit it just yet. “No, I…”

“Cut the crap, Greenfeld. It’s been a long night for me too, and it was probably an even more stressful one. Just say it.”

“Fine. What does that make me? How many signs have I missed?”

“There we go.”

“I’m pissed because it’s a selfish and shitty thing to do. But I am also annoyed because I’m a decent guy and he could have talked to me. I was there. I was right there, the entire time.”

“You aren’t his biggest fan.”

“It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been there for him!”

“I know that. But he didn’t. Look, I understand where you come from, but I sort of understand where he comes from too.”

“You know what? It doesn’t matter if he said the words anyway. Because if I’m being honest, there have been signs. I just pretended I knew better. Like I pretended I knew Boring Steve, but I never would have guessed he would have a three-way in your bed.”

“Not in my bed,” Garrett mumbles as a prayer.

“So I labeled Eddy as uptight and annoying when he was probably just stressed and struggling. He got under my skin so quickly that I never even bothered to second guess myself. I never once asked him how he was doing. I never reached out. I just… Was I a dick to him?”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Even if you were, what happened is not on you.”

“Isn’t it? Not even a little?”

Garrett opens his mouth but changes his mind. After a few seconds, he says: “That’s not a question for me.”

 

It’s one p.m. when Bram is allowed to see Eddy. His roommate refuses to meet his eyes. The boy who was fine with Bram finding his body hanging from a sheet can’t even look at him.

“I’m mad at you,” Bram says. And it’s sort of true, but he’s feeling much calmer now. His voice is soft, more broken than angry.

“You weren’t supposed to come back.”

“Seriously? You do realize that _someone_ would have found you, right?”

“I didn’t really care.”

“Yeah, I got that part.”

“Bram… It’s not… I…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Life was just… bland. Nothing felt interesting or worth it or… anything. Nothing felt like anything. It’s been like that for a long time. I thought Columbia would change that. But I still felt nothing. It was like… everything was so hard and there was no reward. I don’t have hopes, dreams or aspirations. I’m just… going through life.”

“Don’t you have any happy moments?”

“I do. Some. But it’s not… it’s not worth it.”

“Do you regret doing it?”

“I don’t know. I regret the failed attempt. It’s embarrassing.”

Bram thinks that it’s an interesting choice of words. “Could I have made a difference?”

“Probably not.”

“What can I do from now on?”

“Nothing.”

“Eddy, don’t be like that.”

“I’m not being a jerk. You can’t do anything because I won’t be in New York after the break. My parents pulled me from school. They want me home.”

“Oh. The hospital already warned your parents?”

“Yes. But they were already on their way. Garrett already called them.” Of course, he did. Probably when Bram was filling in some forms for Eddy. “Look, Bram… None of this has anything to do with you.”

“That’s very easy to say.”

“Yeah, well… Right now I can’t make it about you. We’ll talk later if you want. Or maybe we’ll be smart and we’ll just leave each other’s life. I’ll remember you as the roommate fro Columbia, I’ll shamefully remember Garrett as the almost-stranger who saved my life and I will be your sad story of that guy who tried to kill himself when you were in college.”

“Eddy…”

“I'm tired now.”

Bram can’t really argue with that. What is he going to do? Stay there? He doesn’t even like Eddy. What could he do for him? He can’t go back and change what happened. This is it. Bram could have impacted a life for the better but decided to go for blissful ignorance instead and Eddy will end up being the sad story he predicted.

Bram forcing his presence on him now would be a shitty move because he would be doing it to feel better about himself rather than because it’s what Eddy needs.

Maybe Bram will be able to learn something from this hellish night. It sounds like a very poor consolation prize.

 

Garrett takes Bram back to his own dorm. He doesn’t want Bram to go back to that room. Bram said he didn’t mind, but that probably wasn’t the truth. He is too tired to know what he wants.

 

Steve isn’t there when they arrive so Bram takes his bed, too tired to care about what probably happened there a few hours ago. Garrett leaves the room to make a phone call and Bram is not even curious to care about it. Everything is spiraling in his head and sleep seems like an impossible reality. Yet, he is sound asleep before Garrett comes back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the time-line is not really realistic, but although I wanted to include this theme and there will be some further mentions of it, I didn't really want to drag it out either as it is a dark topic and I feel it could take over the general feel of the series.


	50. The first time Simon had to pull Bram from a dark place

**Simon**

 

“Basically, he hasn’t left the room in two days. He keeps saying that he needs to go get stuff from his dorm, and I don’t know how to stop him anymore. I don’t even know if I should stop him at this point. He hasn’t even properly reacted, apart from that first night at the hospital. He hasn’t talked about it, he hasn’t cried… I’m not sure what he needs. Well… he needs you, but I think that’s the best I can do for him right now.”

“Garrett, don’t be stupid. You’ve done so much for him. In this story, you’ve literally saved a life!”

“Yeah, well… We were lucky with our timings, I guess.” Garrett seems to have a hard time taking the compliment, or any credit for the outcome of this terrible event. Probably because there isn’t a real happy ending there. “Okay, here we are. Steve is already gone home or wherever so you won’t see him. My train is in two hours, but I can totally try to grab a later one.”

“No, don’t be silly. Go see your dad. I’ll stay with Bram.”

“Sure? I can stay too.”

“Garrett, you’ve been here for him. It doesn’t make you a bad friend to go now. I’ll call you if I need anything.”

“Okay. Right. This is my key. Don’t lose it, I don’t have a spare and the front desk won’t open the door for you. None of you is even going to this school.”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t lose the key. I promise.”

“And… that thing I mentioned on the phone…”

“I’ll talk to him,” Simon promises.

“Thanks. And Simon, just… take care of him, you know?”

“Of course. Always.”

Simon and Garrett just stare at each other for a minute, sharing the same silent worry for Bram. Then Garrett lets go, accepts that this is Simon's responsibility now, that the boyfriend can do more than the best friend, he turns around and lets Simon handle the rest.

 

Simon enters the room. Bram is lying on Garrett’s bed, looking asleep – although not relaxed – hugging the blanket like he is actually holding on to it. He apparently hasn’t shaved in a few days and the stubble on his face is unusual. Even asleep, Bram just looks… broken. The whole thing just breaks Simon’s heart.

He closes the door quietly, puts his bags on the floor, and softly kneels in front of Bram. As delicately as he can, he runs his knuckles on Bram’s face. “Babe?” he whispers.

Bram sleepily opens his eyes and his entire face lights up when he sees Simon but then, almost immediately, Bram’s brown eyes fill up with tears and he moves closer to Simon to hug him tight, buries his head in his shirt and he finally lets out everything he had accumulated these past few days.

Simon wraps his arms around Bram and holds him just as tight. Simon slowly shifts them so he can lie next to Bram. The blanket is gone now and it’s Simon that Bram holds on to like he is the one thing anchoring him to reality.

The way Bram is huddled against Simon makes him look so small. Simon has seen Bram upset and sad before, but never has he found him so… _tiny._

Bram cries for nearly fifteen minutes straight. The entire time, Simon is gently rubbing his back, face, scalp, telling him that he’s here, to let it go, that everything is going to be fine… words that are almost meaningless, that are just said because he needs to say something to Bram, because it’s the best way he found to comfort his boyfriend when there is nothing he can realistically do.

Through all there, there is something nagging at the back of Simon’s mind. It is an awful thought that Simon will never admit to at loud, but somewhere deep, he is proud and almost happy about this moment. They finally reached the point where Simon can do more for Bram than Garrett.

He buries this shameful thought and focuses on Bram instead. His boyfriend is suffering. There is nothing to be even remotely pleased about.

The tears end, but they stay lying like that, in silence. Simon feels Bram’s body relax and unshrink in his arms and he feels so relieved about that. Bram is there. He is in pain, but he is right there. He wouldn’t talk to Garrett, but maybe he will talk to Simon.

“How are you even here?” Bram asks Simon after a while, voice weak but not shaking.

“Your other boyfriend called me.”

Bram moves back his head to look at Simon. He still has a few tears hung on his eyelashes and Simon makes them gently disappear with his thumb. “Yeah, I gathered that part. But weren’t you with Alice?”

“Babe, you’re being ridiculous. There is nothing I wouldn’t have dropped to be here. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Now you’re being ridiculous. How could you have been there? I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I wasn’t trying to shut you out, I just…”

“I know.”

“I love you so much for being here.”

“Of course, I’m here.”

 

Bram is not entirely himself. All day, he is almost performing tasks on autopilot. They talk, but they don’t really discuss things. They remain on light and unimportant topics. They are both trying to distract Bram, Simon testing the waters, wishing to understand how hurt Bram is.

Simon knows that if he found Ted hanging from the ceiling, he would have a meltdown. He also understands that their relationship is so different from Bram’s with Eddy. He doesn’t know how much that helps or not. It’s the first time he has been so frustrated not to be able to know what’s happening in another person’s head.

As long as Bram doesn’t open up to him, Simon is useless. Being here is a nice gesture, but it’s not enough.

 

“Do you still want to go back to Georgia?” Simon asks Bram as they are eating greasy noodles. The sun has already set but it’s not exactly dark yet. It’s technically the end of Simon’s first day with Bram in New York. Not quite the experience he had envisioned.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

Bram shrugs. “I’m not going to be really fun. And I love you for being here, but you should go. You have plans with your sisters. And Leah’s back!”

“Babe… look at me. Do you really think that I am going to leave you here alone?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No, you’re not. Look at things this way: would you leave me behind?” Simon can see on Bram’s face that he gets his point. “Plus, even if you were doing great, I’d still want to be where you are.”

Bram smiles and although it’s a bit of a sad smile, it’s his first real smile of the day. He takes Simon’s fingers in his hand.

“Simon… I’m afraid I’ll push you away this week.”

“You can try,” Simon replies. “But I’ll be right here even through your worst.”

“It’s just… I don’t know how I’m feeling. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel. It’s like… He didn’t die. He’s not fine, obviously, but… he’s also fine, you know? Hopefully, his parents will help him get better. So why am I like this? I wasn’t even close to him.”

“You’ll be fine, Babe. You just need a bit of time to process what happened. He didn’t die but he could have. It’s a traumatic thing to go through. For all of you. I think that’s partly why Garrett called me. He needed time on his own safe at home to process it too. And I know you had a complicated relationship with him, but he was still a part of your daily life. And I know you’re beating yourself up for what happened. I won’t tell you again that it’s not on you, you probably heard that so many times that it’s losing its meaning. You just need a bit of time. And I’ll be right here until then. For anything you need.”

Bram’s eyes look a bit shiny again and he pulls Simon by the neck to kiss him. Simon realizes only now that it is their first kiss since he showed up. He isn’t upset about that. Right now, Bram needs his boyfriend to be a partner more than a lover, and Simon is relieved that he can be that without having to think twice.

“But Babe… maybe we should go out tomorrow. Get some air.”

Bram nods. “Is it fine if we don’t do the full touristic New York, though? We can if you really want to, but… I don’t know. I just don’t really feel like it.”

“Sure. Whatever you want. Although… I wouldn’t mind going to Central Park.”

“There are quiet places in Central Park. Quiet for New York anyway. I could show you my favorites.”

“I would love that.” Plans to leave the room. Baby steps. It still feels like a victory.

 

Later that evening, Simon makes some hot chocolate. He knows it’s the drink his mother makes Bram when he’s upset. It probably won’t help much in this situation, but it helps Simon feel useful. Plus, maybe a succession of small gestures will end being as helpful as the amazing big gesture that doesn’t exist in this case.

 

They fall asleep in each other’s arms. Bram still looks down, but he doesn’t look like he’s drowning anymore. Simon is tired from the journey and a day of worrying for Bram, but there is this moment when they are looking at each other, eyes heavy, already sleepy, and Simon is completely happy. Regardless of the circumstances, he is back with Bram. Everything is always better when he is with Bram.

 

They have breakfast in Central Park. Bram is talking and smiling. He even laughs a couple of times.

“I was thinking,” Bram says, “that we could take that tour of Central Park. I would show you my favorite spots. Then we could go have lunch at this place Garrett found that is actually affordable for Manhattan. Then I would show you around Columbia. Then we could go back to my dorm.”

“That sounds like a great day, but… your dorm? Are you sure?”

“Not to stay over, obviously. I got an email from the university. I am changing dorm after spring break. I thought I should move my stuff now. I don’t see why I should delay.”

“I can go get your things if you want.”

“No. I mean… I would be very grateful if you came with me, but… I need to face that room even if it’s just one more time.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll be right there with you.”

“Thanks, Love.”

This moment, for some reason, feels like an important one.

Bram sort of ruins the moment when he suddenly says: “It’s a shame you’re here now.”

“What?”

“Sorry. That came out wrong. I am so happy that you are here now. But it’s a shame you are seeing the park for the first time in the spring.”

“Why? The trees are beautiful. The weather is great. It seems like the best time to see the park.”

“You would have liked it better in the winter.”

“Would I? I thought you hated the northern winter.”

“I did. Most of it. Here was different. Everything seemed shiny and magical. I know it probably wasn’t always, but every time I came, the snow was fresh, or things were covered in glittering frost, people were ice skating or building snowmen, kids were even sledding. And every single time it made me think of you.”

“Really? Why?”

“I know how much you like all that ‘winter wonder’ that they sell in Christmas movies. And I felt that here. I wanted to share it with you. For real, not just posts on Instagram.”

“They were really beautiful posts. I was very jealous. And… I don’t know… I’m very happy to know that you were thinking about me then.”

“To be fair, I’m always thinking about you.” Bram’s words make Simon feel all warm inside.

“Bram, I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“It’s not a thing.”

Bram smiles and says: “Okay. Let’s start with an obvious one. Come on, I’ll show you the Bethesda fountain.”

 

They spend a nice day. Just like they planned: park, lunch, campus. Even the circumstances fade away. Until it all comes crashing down on them again when it’s time for Bram to go to his dorm.

He is only moving three doors down. It should be an easy move.

They enter Bram’s current dorm and he just freezes there for a second, probably reliving that night.

“Babe? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m… Yes. What should we pack first?”

“Pack? Bram, I love you, but we can just grab things and take them three doors down.”

“Simon, I love you more, but I can’t deal with your chaotic way of life.”

“Given that you just insulted me, can we agree that it’s not currently a thing?”

Bram laughs. “Okay… let’s use your pagans way. I’ll start with the desk, you start with the cupboard?”

“Deal!”

 

They are done in less than half an hour. Simon is relieved to notice that although on the same floor, this new room is quite different from the previous one. It’s smaller – because it’s a single – and it’s laid out differently. Hopefully, it will help Bram avoid having constant flashbacks of whatever he actually saw in that room.

“All done,” Simon says, sitting on Bram’s new bed. Simon sees a notification from Ted. It’s a guide dog emoji. Simon didn’t even know they were a thing. He understands what it means, but he ignores it for now. He has something more important that he needs to do right now.

“Thank you for helping me,” Bram replies and Simon gets a feeling that he doesn’t just mean moving stuff around.

“You’re welcome. But… Babe, are you alright?”

Bram apparently hears the change of tone in Simon’s voice. He comes to sit with Simon, facing him. Simon takes his hands, trying to decide how he is going to formulate his actual question.

“I’m fine,” Bram replies. “Obviously, I’m still upset, but… you appeared and everything seems… manageable, you know?”

“Bram… I don’t know how to sugar coat this, so I’m just going to ask, okay?”

“Sure. Anything.”

“Garrett told me that you mentioned having suicidal thoughts.”

“Oh. No, it’s… it’s not like that.”

“So you never thought about it.”

“Of course, I did. In a dramatic teenager way. As in ‘things would be easier if I were dead’. I had many moments growing up when I felt like I didn’t belong. But I never actually thought about it seriously. I never even thought about how I would do it, it was just… moments where life seemed like too much, you know?”

“I do know. But Bram… are you sure you’re okay?”

“Simon, I love you for worrying, but I do not have these kinds of thoughts and I never really have. But even if I did… obviously, I’m unhappy right now, but apart from that… my life right now is the happiest I’ve ever been. Yeah, sure, it sucks that we’re apart so much, and my relationship with my dad is still not what I would like it to be, but… I have an amazing boyfriend, my mom is happy, I love Levi, I am in my dream school, I have friends, my best friend is crazy but literally a lifesaver… and, again, an amazing boyfriend. Whenever I am feeling sad, or overwhelmed, or… any of those bad feelings that life can throw at you… I remember that I have you in my life and I’m happy again.”

“Do you really feel like that?” Simon asks, a bit speechless by Bram’s declaration of love.

“Every day.”

“Good. Because I sort of think that you are the best thing in my life too.”

“Better than Oreos?”

“So much better than Oreos!”

“Love, how do you feel about sleeping here tonight? I think I’d like to get used to this with you. Go back to school with some happy memories.”

“Sure. But all my stuff is at Garrett’s.”

“We’ll get them in the morning. I’ll lend you something to sleep in.”

Bram’s phone buzzes and when he looks at the screen, the smile that carefully grew back on Bram’s face disappears.

“Babe?”

“It’s Eddy. He’s getting out of the hospital tomorrow and he wants to meet up for a chat.”

“That’s good, though, right?”

“I don’t know. His parents will be there. It’s… It’s probably going to be a disaster.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I sort of deserve it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I have wished for another roommate so many times.”

“Bram… this is not how it works.”

“Really? I wished for you and I got you.”

“Don’t do this. Don’t find excuses or see causes in coincidences. Eddy did not hang himself because you disliked him.”

Bram sighs. “I know that. But at the same time, I don’t know it.”

“Hey. You will go tomorrow. I will come with you or not, that’s your decision. But everything will be better when you’ve talked to him. I promise.”

“Love… I feel like every time we have a good time, I ruin it. This shouldn’t be your first time visiting me. It shouldn’t be how you’re spending your break.”

“Bram, Babe, stop this. You’re spiraling again. Come here.”

Bram lets Simon pull him on the bed until they are spooning. Even after a few minutes, though, Bram is still not relaxing. Simon knows that his mind is all over the place.

Almost instinctively, he keeps one arm around Bram and lets the other one travel south.

“Simon, I don’t think…”

“I know. I don’t want you to do anything. And I’ll stop if you want to. But I also think we need to find a way to empty your mind. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. Let me help you let go, Babe.”

Simon expects a refusal from Bram, but Bram lets him. Bram’s breathing becomes louder and Simon can feel him relax between his arms. Bram stretches his neck and Simon plants kisses wherever he can reach.

It takes longer than usual for Bram to come. Probably because of his clouded mind. But when he finally gets there, Bram comes hard.

After that, Bram is still not in the mindset to properly have sex, but Simon doesn’t mind. He didn’t lie when he said that it was all about Bram. And the endorphins clearly worked. Bram falls asleep much quicker that night and he isn’t as restless.

Simon stays awake a while, though. He needs tomorrow to go well. He needs Bram to get his closure. He will be there for Bram no matter what, but it wouldn’t hurt if the universe helped him out a little bit.

He doesn’t need much. Just for Eddy to tell Bram that they are parting friends. Would that be too much to ask?

 

Bram decided to go to the meeting without Simon and Simon is waiting for Bram in his tiny new dorm, pretending that this isn’t killing him. For just over two hours, Simon is doing mindless tasks on his phone to try to make the time go faster.

It is not very effective.

 

Bram comes back with lunch.

“Hey, Love. Sorry, it took longer than I expected.”

“How did it go?” Simon asks, nervous, helping Bram with the food.

“I don’t know. Well, I think?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Simon can tell that Bram doesn’t really want to but that he understands that Simon needs to be kept in the loop. “Sure.” Bram sits with Simon and seems to be looking for his words as he is unwrapping his food. “I don’t think the invite came from Eddy. I know he messaged me, but I think his parents pressured him to do it.”

“So he didn’t want to see you?”

“No, it’s more… I think he didn’t care. His parents made him apologize to me, which I’m not convinced was the best thing to do. Apologies only mean something when they are heartfelt, right? Besides, I don’t need an apology. They were very disappointed that they don’t get to meet Garrett, although they kept calling him ‘Gareth’. I gave them his address, if they want to write to him or something.”

“It’s nice. I’m sure they’ll want to reach out.”

“His mother seemed… On the verge of crying the entire time. And his dad… he was a bit like yours when we talk about homosexuality. Making jokes to lighten the mood and then immediately regretting it, afraid he might have said the wrong thing. I think they need time as a family to find their balance again.”

“That must be awful for a parent,” Simon comments, realizing that he’s not really helpful.

“Yeah. No matter how shitty I felt lately… I understand why they want to have him back home for a while. To be fair, I think his mother won’t ever be able to let go properly anymore. The whole thing was weird. It was very sad but all the sadness was hidden under a cover of fake but necessary happiness.”

“Are you happy you went?”

“I am, actually. Eddy and I got to talk alone and… he was just himself. As annoying and unlikable as ever. It felt great to be able to dislike him, even if I also felt guilty about it. I don’t know… although I have that feeling that I will see Eddy again, it also gave me a bit of closure.”

“Good. That’s good, right?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. I still feel like I’m in a haze but I don’t feel like I have to stay in it anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

Bram sighs. “Even after you showed up, I didn’t really want to get better. It was almost like as long as Eddy was in pain, I should be in pain too.”

“To make amends?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know why I feel like that. I don’t really understand what’s happening in my head right now. But I need you to know that it all got easier to navigate the moment you showed up. I’m sorry if I have been grumpy, or… whatever I’ve been.”

“You have not, though. You’ve been sad, and I know you will stay sad for a little while longer, but you haven’t taken any of that out on me.”

“Sure?”

“Promise!”

Bram links his fingers through Simon’s. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“You posted something on Tumblr,” Simon jokes and Bram laughs. That single sound just made Simon’s entire trip worth it. “Hey, Babe… I think you need a change of scenery.”

“Sure. We could go spend a couple of days in New Jersey. Or Washington.”

“Sure. Or… we could go home.”

“Home? We’ll never get plain tickets we can afford so last minute during spring break.”

“I know. We could rent a car.”

“Simon, we don’t have time to drive to Atlanta and get back to school on time. Not if we want to actually talk to people.”

“So what? Take an extra week off.”

Bram looks mortified at the prospect. “Love, I can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“I can’t miss school. I’ve never done that!”

“You’ve never missed school?”

“Not unless I was very ill or there was an emergency, no!”

“Babe… first of all, you sad human being, but… I think now fits in your criteria. You are not well, and something dramatic just happened. Notify the school that you are taking some day off due to stress and they will understand. And I’ll be with you. I’m sure Ted can sort something for me in Chicago.”

“Simon, I don’t know…”

“You need this. You need to go to Savannah and spend time with Levi. I know how much you were looking forward to that. You need to go to Atlanta and see your mom. And we need to spend some time together. What do you say? Will you finish spring break and an extra week with me visiting our families? We won’t get to see Nick or Garrett, but we’ll also be able to see Leah.”

Bram puts his forehead on Simon’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you came,” he simply whispers.

 

They make plans to leave the next morning.

 

Simon comes back from the bathroom after brushing his teeth and is ready to go to bed when Bram grabs his wrist just as he closes the door. There is something on his face that Simon does not immediately read properly.

Bram puts his lips on Simon’s and pulls his shirt off. Simon raises his arms to help Bram and asks: “Babe… what are you going to do to me?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Bram replies with another kiss before taking his own t-shirt off. “But I was hoping that if I managed to seduce you, you would make love to me.” Bram slides a hand in Simon’s pants. He is not wearing any underwear. “It feels like the seduction part might not be necessary,” Bram comments.

Simon’s lips get lost in Bram’s neck as they are walking -stumbling – to his bed. During their foreplay, Bram doesn’t let Simon go anywhere or do anything that would mean he wouldn’t be able to make eye-contact.

Simon gets the message. Bram doesn’t need to have sex. He doesn’t need to get off. He needs to connect with Simon. He needs to feel safe, loved and cared for.

They make love and it’s sweet, slow, deep, passionate and careful.

There isn’t a trace of dominance, kinkiness, or playfulness in the way Bram looks at him, touches him or reacts to Simon. This feels important. It’s for the best. It somehow seems massive to Simon too. Bram needing Simon, not shutting him out, being able to tell him what he wants and needs, finding a way for the two of them to be in this together although Simon is very much a spectator in all of this.

And there is the way Bram is looking at him.

If Simon had to pick one feeling for the rest of his life, it would be this one. The way he feels when Bram looks at him like this, so lovingly, something both grateful and desperate in his soft brown eyes. It’s a rare look and even now, it still sends butterflies down Simon’s stomach.

“I love you,” Bram whispers between kisses, turning the butterflies wild again.

“I love you more,” Simon whispers back.

“No you don’t,” Bram replies, kissing Simon’s temple. “You’ve been pulling me from the whole I was happy to crawl in. You saved me, Simon. So right now, it’s so not a thing. I love you so much it hurts.”

Simon whimpers in Bram’s neck and, almost subconsciously, starts moving faster. Bram slows him down immediately.

“Sorry, I…” Simon cannot finish his sentence because Bram is kissing him, both hands on his neck. Simon puts one hand in Bram’s hair, the other one traveling up and down Bram’s thigh.

As Simon is feeling his pleasure grow and his orgasm start to build up, he thinks that it is definitely a thing. Regardless of how Bram is looking at him, there is no way he loves Simon more. Nothing can possibly be bigger than the feeling occupying all of Simon’s chest, overcasting everything else, whenever he thinks about Bram. Nothing can be greater than the way he feels now, as his boyfriend is slowly coming back to him.

 

Maybe, possibly, Simon would settle for a tie.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 50. None of us saw that coming when I posted the first one, right?  
> And they're still in their first year of college.  
> I know I joked about that before, but we'll reach chapter 500 and still not be close to the end if we carry on like this...


	51. The first time they talked about having children

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this did _not_ go well.  
> My first draft had no first time so couldn't be included here.  
> My second draft had a full conversation in French (because why not, apparently)  
> Here is my third attempt. It's much lighter than the previous chapter as Bram is finally letting go a bit. I hope you'll enjoy it!

**Bram**

 

Bram opens his eyes and it takes him a few seconds to remember where he is. Right. They got fed up of driving and they decided to stop in Charlotte. None of them had been there before and they spend the rest of the day walking around the city. Simon was right: Bram needed a change of scenery. It’s nice to simply be walking around, no plan in mind, just following their guts, being together and happy.

At some point, Bram even noticed that they were holding hands. He didn’t know at which point in their relationship they became comfortable enough to hold hands in an unknown city. He knew there was a risk factor coming with this simple, easy gesture, but it also felt great to be able to mindlessly do this simple thing that most couples just get to do.

When they got tired, they just looked up a cheap place to stay for the night and here is Bram, waking up in this nice but unknown room.

Bram doesn’t really care where he wakes up if that means waking up by Simon. He is currently on his side, turning his back to Bram. Bram slides closer to Simon and puts his chest on his back, putting his arm around him.

Bram is torn. Should he get a bit more sleep or should he wake Simon? And if he chooses the latter, should they get ready to hit the road again, or should they stay in bed a while longer?

Bram’s internal debate is cut short when Simon lets out a moan in his sleep. Oh. Someone is having a naughty dream. That’s settled, then. Bram is going to join Simon is whatever fun he’s having in his mind.

He starts kissing Simon’s neck and grabs him where he is rock hard. Simon’s moans turn more audible as he is slowly waking up. Simon tilts his head back, leaning into Bram as much as he can. Bram’s free hand lands on Simon’s throat. Not squeezing, just holding; feeling his breath and heartbeat and the way they grow messier as Simon gets closer to the edge.

There is nothing mysterious about sex. Science knows exactly how it works. Bram has experienced it himself countless times. And yet, every time, it seems like both a miracle and an achievement to see, hear and feel Simon lose control and entirely abandon himself to Bram.

Simon muffles the noises he makes coming by putting his mouth on Bram’s neck, just behind his hear, and the vibrations it makes combined to the attenuated sounds turn Bram on even more.

“Morning Babe,” Simon mumbles after taking his lips off Bram.

“Good morning Love. Someone was having an interesting dream… Was I a part of that?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“I got very distracted by reality.”

“Good distraction?”

“The best.”

Bram starts kissing Simon’s neck again. “Do you want to keep playing?”

“Yes, please.” Somehow, the ‘please’ sends shivers down Bram’s spine.

“Don’t move, Love.”

Bram’s bag is in the closet, but Simon’s is by the foot of the bed. Bram knows he’ll be able to find some lube in there somewhere. And he does, next to a box that makes his eyebrows jerk up and leaves him speechless for a second. But he decides to ignore it. They can talk about it later. Right now, Bram wants something completely different.

He comes back to spoon Simon who obediently didn’t move.

Bram’s lips travel on Simon’s neck, back, arms, sides, as his fingers are working on his ass, opening him up. He drinks up Simon’s sounds as if they were fresh water in the desert.

“Bram… come in now…” Simon whimpers and Bram obeys. “I missed this,” Simon whispers as Bram starts moving inside of him. “I missed you. I miss you so much. All the time.”

“I miss you too, Love. Every day.”

“Every night,” Simon adds.

“Every night,” Bram confirms. He takes Simon’s thigh and gently moves it up until his knee is almost by his chest. Simon moans loudly and takes Bram’s other hand.

“Oh, Babe. Just like that…” Bram feels all-powerful, being able to satisfy his boyfriend, make him feel good, make him ask for more… That simple sentence from Simon pushes Bram from ‘feeling good’ to ‘orgasm building up’.

Bram comes, both arms hooked around Simon, feeling entirely carefree for the first time in weeks. Months, maybe.

“Babe, that was great,” Simon says, out of breath, as they both fall back on their backs, post-orgasm.

“Great enough that you will be on driving duty?” Bram tries.

Simon snorts. “Sure. But we swap after two hours.”

“Deal.”

 

They arrive in Savannah just before noon.

“Hopefully, they’re not away for spring break,” Bram comments. “I was supposed to spend one night four days ago.”

“You haven’t told them we were coming?” Simon asks. Bram shakes his head. “Why?” Bram shrugs. “Babe, are you testing your dad again?”

“No. Maybe.” Definitely. But it’s childish and he doesn’t want Simon to know how immature he really is. He just wants to see how his father would react if he shows up unannounced with Simon. Would they be welcome? Is Bram truly a part of this family?

“Fine, but if we have to drive to Atlanta today, you’re on driving duty.”

“I just drove,” Bram counters.

“I did most of the New York to North Carolina driving, so I get a free pass if we have to drive again so soon just because you wouldn’t call your dad.”

“Fine. Be reasonable,” Bram replies in a falsely outraged tone.

Simon smiles and grabs his bag before leaving the car. Simon. Always the optimist.

Bram knocks. He has the key, but he doesn’t like to use it when he gets there, especially unannounced. He hears footsteps on the other side of the door. They’re here. The door opens on Stacey and her face is pure shock and surprise.

“Bram?”

“Sorry, I’m late. I know I was supposed to be here ages ago, but…” Bram can’t finish his sentence because Stacey just pulled him in for a tight hug.

“Don’t worry about that. You’re welcome anytime. And Gabrielle called us to tell us what happened. Are you alright?”

Bram almost asks how his mother knew about what happened, but he reminds himself that Garrett exists.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

She lets go of him and looks for something in his eyes. “Sure?”

“Sure!”

“Okay. Hi, Simon.”

“Hello, Stacey.”

“Come on in. How long are you boys staying for?”

“We’re not sure,” Bram replies. “At least a couple of days.”

“Great. Well, I know someone who is going to be very happy to see you.”

“Dad is home?”

“He is. But I didn’t mean him. I meant Levi. He is learning new words, but his favorite thing to do is go around the house to point at every picture of you he can find and practice saying your name.”

Bram takes a few seconds to process that. He didn’t realize he was so important to his little brother. Actually, in his mind, he was always going to have to fight to be something other than Levi’s estranged brother, and he assumed that he would have to wait until Levi could _understand_ who he was before _knowing_ who he was.

They follow Stacey to the kitchen where Bram’s dad is cooking.

“Richard, do we have enough food for four?”

“Not if you’re planning on inviting your parents for lunch,” he replies teasingly.

“No, but look who I found knocking on our door.”

Bram’s father turns around and his face lights up when he sees Bram. “Boys! Bram, I was about to call you but your mother said that you needed time. Stacey told me that mothers know best, so I decided to listen to her. I didn’t think you would come back this break!”

“I needed a bit of family time.” Bram doesn’t mention that he is taking an extended holiday. He isn’t sure if his professor dad would support that decision.

“Well, you have it. Hi, Simon. Boy, just go put your bags in Bram’s room, go see Levi or rest for a bit. Lunch is in twenty minutes.”

 

After putting their bags away, they go to the living room where Stacey is playing with Levi.

As soon as Levi sees Bram, he lets out a high pitch happy sound and points at him, shouting out “Bam! Bam!” apparently, ‘r’s are not his thing yet. “Mom! Bam!”

“Yes! It’s Bram! Do you want to go say hello?”

Levi stands up and Bram is struck by how tall he got. He feels like he is missing a lot. He is very lucky that his brother is so fond of him in spite of that. Somehow, he feels Stacey’s doing behind that. She probably talks to Levi about Bram a lot. Not that his father would be opposed to it, he just wouldn’t think about it.

Levi walks up to Bram with his still questionable balance and hugs his leg. It’s the cutest thing Bram has ever seen.

Then Levi decides to tell Bram all his favorite animals. Some words are clearly made up, but it just adds to the cuteness overload. Then he shows Bram that he knows all his colors.

“What’s your favorite color?” Simon asks.

“Blue!”

Simon laughs. “Great choice. Me too!” Levi seems really proud to have Simon’s approval.

 

“What are you doing next?” Bram’s father asks them as he is cutting Levi’s food and Levi is showing Bram that he eats with a Lion King fork.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re only here now, and I guess you will go and see your mom next. So you are not going back to school right away, are you?”

“No. I’m not.” Bram isn’t sure how he can justify his decision to his dad.

“Are you taking the rest of the semester off? Will you be able to catch up on the credits?”

“What? No. I’m just taking an extra week.”

“Really? Aren’t you a trooper?”

“Eddy is fine,” Bram says.

“Still, in college, I would totally have taken the rest of the year off. Either because I was upset, or because I could pretend to be.”

“Richard! That’s awful.”

“What? He said the other kid is fine.”

Bram doesn’t know what to reply to that. His father is advocating for time off school? On purpose? Who is he right now? Where is the father that told him that spending time with Simon would impact his SATs?

“But I’m proud of you for taking school seriously, son.”

“Thanks.” Bram is still a bit confused.

“What about you, Simon?” Richard asks. “How is college going?”

“Fine. My last exams went really well, and this semester I got a lot of extra credits with the school production.”

“So you found what you want to do, then?” Stacey asks.

“I think so, yes. My grades have never been this high and although it is hard work, I am having so much fun.”

“And how realistic is it?” Bram’s father asks. “As a career path, I mean.”

“Dad.”

“What? I’m not judging, I’m simply asking. Theater is a competitive field, especially for someone who is not training in the Broadway or Hollywood world. Don’t you agree, Simon?”

Simon is about to answer when Bram interrupts him. He knows he shouldn’t speak for his boyfriend, but since his father told him they should break-up, he feels extremely protective of Simon and he always wants to defend his relationship to his dad.

“Dad, I don’t know what I want to do after college.”

“Exactly. Simon just needs to work on a plan to get what he wants. You need to work on sorting your life out.”

Simon tries to repress a laugh, Levi picks on it and bursts out laughing. Bram glares at Simon. “Yeah, well _your_ dad likes _me_ best.”

Simon makes his ‘fair enough’ face and everyone laughs.

Stacey gives Levi a piece of cookie that he immediately hands over to Bram. It’s a healthy cookie, so of course, it’s disgusting, but that is probably a great sacrifice for Levi, so Bram thanks him and eats the cookie.

Yes. Bram just needed a bit of family time.

 

That afternoon, Richard and Stacey make the most of having the boys over and ask them to babysit. They have read Goldilocks three times and another story about a lost bear twice. Although Levi clearly looks up to Bram and imitates everything he does, when it comes to storytelling, he only wants to hear from Simon.

Bram understands why. Simon is amazingly good at making voices.

Then Levi gets a bit sleepy and they put him to bed for his nap. Levi tells Bram something that he understands as ‘see you tomorrow’, and which is probably Levi’s way of checking that Bram will still be there when he wakes up. “See you when you wake up, buddy.”

 

Bram joins Simon in the living room.

“How adorable is your brother?”

“One hundred and ten percent.”

“He really likes you.”

“He really likes you too.”

“He likes when I entertain him.”

“He’s a kid. That’s their equivalent of true love!”

Simon laughs. “You might be right. I haven’t been around kids that much, but I have met Amara’s niece and she loved my Big Bad Wolf impersonation.”

“I would _LOVE_ to see your Big Bad Wolf impersonation. Although, I’m already very impressed by your three bears.”

“Yeah. That’s my drama training.”

“Or that’s just you having had a big family. I don’t know, I’m always a bit amazed at how comfortable you are with big reunions of people. I am more comfortable with small groups. Even moving from me and Garrett hanging out to pretty much the full lunch table after we started dating was an adjustment.”

“It wasn’t the full lunch table.”

“Yeah. Why didn’t we hang out more with your ex-girlfriend?”

Simon laughs. “It wasn’t like that.”

“I know. Still. I wish I was a bit more like you.”

“You joined more groups than me this year,” Simon counters. “By the way, have I told you that I am very sorry that you are not in an official basketball team? I would have loved to see you in a proper basketball outfit.”

“Sorry for practicing sport to stay active more than for the looks.”

“I forgive you. Mostly because it keeps your body looking like _that_.”

“Speaking of… I might be wrong, but… have _you_ been working out? You just look… a bit different.”

Simon groans. “Sort of. Ted is torturing me.”

Bram laughs. “Why are you doing it if you hate it?”

“I’m trying to be healthy. Plus, I don’t want you to leave me for a sexier Columbia college student.”

“Okay, this is ridiculous. I mean… good for you for being healthy, but I am not going to leave you. For anyone. First of all, you are not fat, but even if you got some extra padding, it would just be more of you to love. Plus, you’d be more prepared for Chicago winters.”

“You’re a dork.”

“Excuse me, what are you known for in the toddlers’ world again?”

“You might have a point.”

Bram looks at Simon and, for a moment, he is projected ten years from now. Simon is still there, still amazing, children are still involved, but… maybe not in the same context.

“Love?”

“That’s your ‘I’m going to ask a serious question’ voice. What?”

Bram smiles. “Not really. I was just wondering… you mentioned picturing a big family, once. Is it something you would actually want? Children?”

Simon’s face gets all serious. “I actually don’t know. It’s a big responsibility, you know? It must be terrifying to be responsible for someone’s life. Provide for them, be a role model, stop putting yourself first… Plus, we can’t really _make_ a baby – although I’m there whenever you feel like trying – and I think adoption is a big thing to put a relationship through. Not that you and I wouldn’t be able to make it, but… you know… we’d have to be dead sure it’s what we want. And yet… despite all of that… yeah. I think I would want kids someday. What?”

Bram just can’t hide his big happy smile. “Nothing. It’s just… you keep saying ‘us’.”

“Yeah. Don’t you see us together when you look at the future?” Simon looks unsure, maybe even a bit hurt.

“Of course, I do. But it’s still nice to hear that the other one is doing that too, isn’t it?”

Simon takes Bram’s hand. “It is. What about you? Do you want kids?”

“You know… for a long time, I thought that it wasn’t for me. I liked the idea of it, but I just thought that it was all it would ever be: an idea. But now, with you, and your family, and Levi… I don’t know. I think I could do it. I would be a good dad.”

“A great one!”

“And I also think I would like it. So, I’m with you on this one. I think I would like to have children. Or even just one. That seems greedy enough given that our relationship is by definition infertile. But as you said… we’ll have to be sure that we’re ready for a child, and that we are willing to stop being just the two of us.”

“You’re right. It’s nice to hear the other one say ‘we’ when talking about the future. So… should we talk about it again in five years?”

Bram giggles. “Sure. Sounds like a plan. Maybe we should discuss it every five years until we do it.”

“But we need an upper age limit,” Simon says. “No kids after fifty.”

“Fifty? If we have a kid at fifty, he’ll finish college when we’ll be over seventy!”

“We could adopt a teenager.”

“Very true.”

“You know what?” Simon asks, playfully, “I think that maybe tonight, we should check if we are medical miracles. Maybe we can actually make babies.”

“You’re right. That deserves a thorough investigation.” Which reminds Bram of the box he saw in Simon’s bag that morning. “By the way… do you want to talk about the box in your bag?”

“What box?” But then Simon seems to understand what Bram is referring to and he turns bright pink. Oh, this is going to be fun.

 

 


	52. The first time they decided to get jobs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah well I'm starting to struggle with finding firsts, okay?  
> Which is why I should stop doing filler chapters, but you all wanted to know what's in the box, didn't you?  
> Well, get prepared to be underwhelmed!

**Simon**

 

Simon feels his face heating up. Why did Bram have to find that? Why did he even pack it?

“It’s not what you think.”

“No? So it wasn’t an already open box of dental dams?”

Thank God Bram is smiling because it could look very shady otherwise and the truth absolutely sounds like a lie. “It is, but it’s Ted’s.”

“You took Ted’s oral sex protections?”

“Yes. No.” Simon takes a deep breath. “Please bear with me, because it will sound made up.”

“Like every single story involving Ted.”

“Fair enough. So, the other day, Ted received a parcel from his grandma with gloves, hand wraps, shorts… you know, stuff for boxing. And dental dams.”

“Why?”

“Our guess is that she got the wrong term for mouthguard.”

Bram has to put his fist in front of his mouth to cover his laugh, conscious that Levi is sleeping.

“Yeah, that made us laugh too. What was even more hilarious was when he called her to explain what she did.”

“He _told her_?”

“That surprises you too, right? Never would I have talked about anything to do with oral sex with my grandma. Anyway, we ended up with that box and we opened it, because we sort of wanted to see what it looks like. Spoiler alert, it was very underwhelming.”

“Okay, but… why is it in your bag?”

Simon feels his cheeks burn up a bit more. He shrugs. “He said he wouldn’t use it, he asked if I ever would, I blushed, he had an annoying smile and just put it in my bag. I forgot until it was time to pack, then I saw it, and… I don’t know… we talked about it once or twice…”

Simon goes completely silent when he noticed the way Bram looks at him. His eyes are amused and mischievous. “Simon Spier, you naughty boy.” Bram leans in and Simon ends up lying on his back, Bram hovering over him. He is almost petrified. It’s the look in his eyes, the deep voice he just used, his confidence, the way he smells… Just like that, Bram makes his heart race and he’s getting a bit hard. Just from one look.

It is very unlikely, but Simon hopes that he has the same kind of effect on Bram.

Bram puts his lips by Simon’s ear and is about to whisper something when noises come out of Levi’s bedroom. Nap is over.

Bram sits up. “I’m going to check on him. But we should talk about it later. Really talk about it, not just me teasing you because I love when your face takes this color.”

“I liked you better when you were shy,” Simon shamelessly lies.

“If I recall, you barely noticed me when I was shy.”

He might have a point. Still. Who would have guessed that Cute Bram whit his soft eyes and easy blush was so sexual? Who knew that grammatical, careful Blue was such a tease? Not that any part of Simon is complaining.

 

Later that day, Bram is talking to his dad about literature and Simon is playing with Levi. He never thought it could be so exciting to watch someone put a cube in the square shape and a sphere in the round shape.

As Levi is doing that, he is happily babbling about his life. Then a massive smile grows on his tiny face and he screams: “Bam!”

“Hey, Buddy. Hi, Love. What are you doing?”

“Levi and I are having a heartfelt conversation.”

“What about?”

“I’m not entirely sure.”

Bram giggles. “Hey, Levi, what do you want to do?”

“Go to the park!”

“Go to the park? Buddy, it’s too late for that.”

“Oh.” He looks so disappointed that Simon himself suddenly doesn’t understand why they can’t go to the park.

“Yeah, we’re going to eat soon, remember?”

“All the carrots?”

“Maybe not _all of them_ , but I’m sure we can get you some carrots!”

Levi laughs and claps and Simon decides there and then that if there aren’t any carrots in the house, he is going to go buy some.

 

That evening, when Simon goes to Bram’s room, his boyfriend is reading. There is something about Bram reading that always makes Simon feel warm. There is something even more magical about Bram putting a book down to focus on Simon.

Bram shifts a bit and opens his arms, creating a ‘Simon space’ that Simon is more than happy to curl up into. He is close enough to be in Bram’s arms, but not close enough that they can’t look at each other.

“How are you feeling?” Simon asks.

“Much better. I needed that. Thank you for convincing me.”

“Thank you for trusting me.”

“I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t shown up.”

“Then Garrett would have stayed with you. You would have been fine!”

“It’s not the same… and it got me thinking… I want to see you more next year.”

“I want that too, Bram, but it’s eight hundred miles!”

“I know. Which is why I am going to get a job next year. So I can fly regularly.”

“Oh. Really? Bram, it’s Columbia. Shouldn’t you be focusing on that? And if you’re working, shouldn’t you save that money up?”

“I want to be happy. More than ever, I don’t want to wait to be happy. And my happiness goes through you. I have been approached to do some SAT tutoring, but I wanted to focus on school this year. Next September, though, I’ll do it. Tutor students. It sounds like something that even I could benefit from. It wouldn’t be a mindless job.”

“It sounds perfect for you. And I actually had been thinking the same thing. One of my professors got me an interview at the Auditorium Theatre and I got a job starting next term. I’m taking the job of a fellow student graduating. It’s nothing fancy. Tickets and cleaning, mainly. But it’s a theatre, the hours aren’t crazy, and they are used to working with students, so it’s kind of perfect. I’ll be able to come and visit too. See New York under the snow. Watch a Broadway show.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about the interview?”

Simon shrugs. “I wasn’t sure I would get it. And then I wanted to surprise you. But… circumstances were not the best for that.”

“I am very proud of you.”

“Keep that for when I actually manage to keep the job _and_ do well in school.”

“Next year is going to be great,” Bram wishfully says. And if we managed this year, it can only get easier, right?”

“Definitely. But even before that… one full summer, Bram. You and I in the same city for most of it!”

“I know. It’s going to be our reward after exams!”

For a minute, they stay silent, both lost in the thoughts of how they want to occupy their summer. Be with their friends and family, sure. Go on dates. Spend time together doing nothing but waste time they finally have. Do the things they never did in Atlanta even though they lived there. There will also be the obvious one… no more awkward phone sex. Months of being able to touch each other (almost) whenever they want to.

Simon can see that Bram’s train of thought took him to the same place. Which leads Bram to ask: “Do you want to talk more about the box?”

“If you want to.”

“Why did you take it?”

Simon shrugs. “When we talked about it, we said that we would use them when we’d try.”

“No, I know that. But I thought we weren’t there yet.”

“We said maybe.”

“That’s your polite ‘no’.”

“What? No, it’s not. I…” Simon sighs. He doesn’t like feeling like this. Like there is this entire world of sex possibilities that Bram cannot reach because Simon is not ready for them. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no. Don’t do that. You always do that. Simon, I am more than satisfied with what we do in bed. Most of the time, I just want to be in bed with you, connect with you, have fun with you. Some other times, I fell like being kinky, and you let me do that. You’re quite kinky yourself. It’s not about doing everything or always trying to take an extra step.”

“When I say no, I feel like I’m pulling you back, though.”

“Pulling me back? Simon, I can count on one hand the times you said no, and I have said no too before. There would be nothing fun in doing something we don’t both want, right.”

“I know. But I still feel like that.”

“Okay. Listen to me. We haven’t been having sex for that long. It’s a journey. We have time. But even in fifty years, I don’t think we’ll be doing everything. There will be things we will have tried and not enjoyed, there will be things we won’t have tried because one or two of us are uncomfortable with it, there will be things we didn’t even think about doing. There will also be things that we like doing, but not always, or not necessarily at the same time. Stop putting some quantity or performance label on what we do together. I love you. I love being with you. Don’t you?”

Simon nods. “I do. When you touch me, I feel like I would follow you anywhere, so it’s a bit confusing when I realize that I actually wouldn’t.”

“I don’t want you to follow me anywhere. I want you to be you and for us to go wherever we’re going together.”

“I love you so much.”

Bram smiles. “Because I want to have consensual sex?”

“Because you always know what to say. Okay… So… rimming.” Bram’s eyebrows rise slightly, as if he wasn’t expecting the conversation to go back there. Or for Simon to use the term. He is pretty good at beating around the bush when he is uncomfortable. “It was a real maybe. I do want to try, it’s just… I don’t know… I understand that it’s not that different from the oral sex we already do, but it feels different.”

“I know. I feel the same way. Maybe it’s because it’s less widely accepted or talked about. It’s a bit taboo, isn’t it?”

“Babe, we’re gay. Everything we do is a bit taboo. But you’re right, that might be even more so. And are you sure you’re fine with using dental dams? I know we’re clean, and we’ll shower, but… I think I need that extra step.”

“Of course, I’m fine with it! I told you anything you need! But to be fair, I think I need that step too. And don’t worry. We’ll try. Whenever we both feel like it. I’m sure it’s going to be hot. But if it’s not, then we’ll stop. No big deal. Come on, show me that box of yours.”

Simon gives Bram the box and he gets a pouch out to have a look.

“It’s smaller than I thought.”

“It unfolds,” Simon replies.

“Wait, how many flavors are there?” Bram takes one other pouch out of the box and says with a cheeky smile: “First times should be vanilla, right?”

“Very funny.”

“But, honestly, that should be discussed in health class too, shouldn’t it?”

“Just be happy that our moms didn’t bring it up when they gave us the talk.”

“Oh, God, that would have been awful! Can you imagine? Then again, we should have asked Adisa when he gave us the talk.”

“Rimming was so not on my mind back then. It was not even a thing.”

“I know, same here! See? It’s a journey.” Bram puts the pouches back in the box and puts it aside. Simon is happy that they got to talk about it. He feels less nervous about it now, even though nothing ground-breaking was said. He is also grateful that they talked about it when the act itself is not about to happen.

Not that anything is about to happen tonight. It is a big house, and they always felt in their own bubble. They did experiment in here. But it feels different with a toddler in the house. Being heard by Stacey or Richard would be mortifying, but being heard by Levi would be the end of the world.

Or at least it feels like it.

Simon’s phone screen lights up. It’s a notification from Ted. Simon opens the message and it’s a picture of Amara with a black Labrador retriever. “Hey, Babe, look. She finally had her dog!”

“Cute! What is it called?”

“No idea. Do you mind if I call them? It’s easier to talk to Ted than text.”

“No, that’s fine.”

“I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Stay here and put them on speaker. I want to know about the dog too.”

Ted picks up immediately and he is so excited that he speaks even faster than usual. Yep, that’s a thing.

 

 


	53. The first time someone walked in on them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, we don't even need story.  
> Sometimes, we just need a Bram chapter between two Simon chapters...
> 
> Happy Kinky Holidays ;)

**Bram**

 

In Atlanta, Bram and Simon missed Garrett who flew back a few hours before they arrived and they also missed Nick and Leah who are driving to Nick’s college. Leah should be back in a couple of days, though, and Bram can tell how impatient Simon is.

They have been sharing their time between Bram’s mom and Simon’s parents but they haven’t spent any of that time apart. Their parents seem to have accepted that pretty well and Bram isn’t sure if it’s because this is not a traditional family holiday or if it’s because they are afraid Bram is still depressed.

Then again, that wouldn’t be an entirely stupid thought because Bram is convinced that Simon’s presence is a big factor in his recovery. He is almost dreading the moment Simon won’t be by his side and he will be left alone with his thoughts.

He has to trust that everything will be alright. Eddy is doing fine, he has a new dorm, Garrett will be there, classes and clubs will keep him distracted… It will be fine.

 

Right now, Bram is in Simon’s kitchen, reading the newspaper. Simon is back from walking Bieber. The dog is sleeping on the couch and Simon disappeared upstairs.

“Babe?” Simon calls out walking back in the kitchen.

Bram looks up from the paper and Simon has a look in his eyes that completely electrifies Bram’s skin. He has no idea what Simon is about to say, but he loves it already.

“I was thinking about what you said the other night. About me being kinky. And I don’t know if that’s true.” In any other circumstances, Bram would already be reassuring Simon. Right now, though, something tells him that this is not what Simon needs. This isn’t where he is going. So he just remains quiet and lets his boyfriend carry on. “I feel like I let you take charge more often than not, and even when I do take charge, it’s never really kinky. But I have a couple of fantasies, and there is something I’d like to try. Now.”

“Is that so? Will I need a safe word?”

Bram said that as a joke, but Simon is dead serious when he replies: “’Stop’ will do.”

 _Oh_. This sounds fun.

“Take off your shirt.”

“What?”

“Your t-shirt. Take it off.” Bram doesn’t even think about disobeying. He takes his t-shirt off right there in the kitchen and hands it to Simon who extended his hand. “Now follow me.”

Bram follows Simon to – he assumes – his bedroom. But Simon stops at the bottom of the stairs and pushes Bram against the banister and kisses him. There is so much passion in this kiss that it is contagious. Bram almost has to stop himself from undressing Simon. This is not his moment. Simon is in charge and Bram is extremely curious to see where he is going to take them.

“Don’t be mad… I took something from your room the other day.”

“ _The other day_? How long have you had that in mind?”

“Long enough,” Simon replies getting Bram’s handcuffs out of his jean pocket. Oh. So that’s what’s happening. Bram is cool with that. He did tell Simon that he would let him tie him down and he didn’t lie. The logistic would be slightly trickier here since Simon’s headboard is plain, but they’ll find a place to tie Bram too, surely.

But that was Bram’s second misconception about what was going to happen. Simon didn’t move, keeping Bram against the banister and took his wrists up. From here, the handrail was high enough that Bram’s hands ended up high above his head, his elbows barely bent. Because of the bars and the way Simon tied him up, Bram had almost no freedom of movement.

Simon is there, in from of him, calmly checking with his eyes that Bram is fine with that. Here is the thing: objectively, Bram is not fine with that. He is half-naked, tied to the stairs in Simon’s parents’ corridor, in broad daylight, with no idea what’s going to happen. And yet, he is extremely fine with that. As much as he hates the risk factor of not being behind a locked door, he also loves it. As worried as he is to be in the dark regarding what will come next, he also cannot wait to find out. As annoyed as he is to be standing and absolutely unable to move, he is also very turned on by it. And there is Simon, looking at him with his moon-grey eyes. Bram just wants him so bad right now.

Simon walks back into Bram’s space and runs his fingers down Bram’s chest, making him shiver. “Can I do whatever I want with you?”

“Definitely!” Bram answers, voice already weaker than he expected. Simon’s warm lips are tracing a line along Bram’s jawline as his hands are unbuckling his belt. Bram’s hands want to reach down, get lost in Simon’s hair, pull him close, grab his ass… but he is stuck there, unable and unallowed to touch Simon. It feels like the most divine punishment.

Simon’s hands play with Bram’s length for a moment, making sure that Bram is ready. Bram is _definitely_ ready.

Simon’s mouth starts traveling south and Bram’s breath gets so loud that it’s almost moans already. Simon pulls the rest of Bram’s clothes down, setting him free and Simon immediately takes him into his mouth.

Bram’s wrists start pulling on the handcuffs again, but he is still very much captive, still hating and loving it at the same time. Simon has always been really – really – good at blowjobs, but added to his current confidence and the situation he created, Bram is properly losing his mind.

“Si, I…” But Bram doesn’t have time to finish his warning before he comes, hard, Simon still actively working on him.

Bram looks down and Simon is kneeling in front of him, looking up with a still mischievous smile. “Do you want me to untie you?”

“What’s option number two?”

“I keep treating you like my boy toy.”

Bram glances at the door. “Do we have time for that?”

“My parents won’t be here in ages and Nora is out with her friend Samantha. She won’t be back before dinner.”

“Then I’d love to be your boy toy a while longer.”

Simon starts slowly undressing himself in front of Bram, keeping eye contact the entire time. He is close enough that Bram could touch him if his hands weren’t tied. It’s too early for him to get hard again, but he really wants Simon to take him. Right now.

Simon puts his body against Bram for a very sensual kiss and then whispers: “Don’t go anywhere,” before leaving Bram there to search his pockets for some lube. A few seconds later, he is back and turns Bram around. Bram’s arms are now twisted, limiting even more his range of movements.

Simon gets a lube-covered finger in Bram, skilfully finds his soft spot, and expertly presses on it the way Bram loves. Bram rests his forehead against his crossed arms, closes his eyes, and lets the feelings take him over. Simon’s free hand slowly scratches Bram’s back as he also softly blows some cool air on Bram’s neck. The extra sensations simply help magnifying the ones he is already experiencing. _Damn, he is good!_

When the second wave of pleasure washes over Bram, he has to almost bite his biceps to avoid getting too noisy. He gets that it’s silly in an empty house, but for some reason, he feels less self-conscious about the sounds he lets out in a hotel room – when someone might be on the other side of the wall – than in a house he has to have mundane interactions with people he knows.

“Step three?” Simon asks against Bram’s shoulder.

Bram seems to have lost his voice, so he just nods.

Simon fucks him just the way he likes. It’s Simon proving to Bram that he knows him off by heart and that he can play him like a complicated instrument.

“Do you like that when I take you deep and slow?” Simon asks, still against his shoulder, waking all the butterflies in Bram’s stomach. _Who is he right now_? Bram loves this decisive, hot, kinky Simon.

They are not even done that Bram already knows that this moment will keep him warm during his long nights without Simon for a long while.

 

 

Simon has already put his underwear and his jean back on, although his flies are still open. He retries the keys in his pocket and comes to set a still very naked Bram free.

This is when one of Bram’s worst nightmare comes to life. The front door opens and Nora walks in. She sees them – Simon very disheveled, Bram very naked and very tied up to their staircase. She screams and covers her eyes immediately.

“What the HELL are you DOING?”

“Nora? Weren’t you at Sam’s?”

“Well, I’m very sorry to be back in _my_ house, using the _front door_. You do know you have a bedroom that _locks_ , right? Oh God… I’m gonna go… clear my mind… drive into a tree, that should do it… Most effective way to make sure I don’t develop nightmares over this!” She probably keeps talking after that, but she closed the front door behind her so Bram can’t be sure.

“Please kill me now,” he tells Simon.

“Only if you kill me first…”

 

That objectively was the most embarrassing moment in Bram’s entire life. He thought about it in the shower, he thought about it when Simon made him hot chocolate – which _does not_ help with that type of upset – and he is thinking about it now, lying on Simon’s bed, mindlessly playing with Simon’s hair – Simon sitting on the floor, looking at some old pictures.

It didn’t help that Nora sent a text later which said ‘ _BTW Congrats_ ’ with a thumbs up and an eggplant emoji.

“I’m sorry this happened,” Simon finally says. “I really didn’t think anyone would be there. I thought it would be hot, and… I’m sorry”.

Bram shifts Simon’s head with a finger so they can share a kiss. “Honestly, Love, it was so hot. Even after that mortifying moment, I wouldn’t take it back. After doing that, you’re not allowed – ever – to doubt our sex life. It was fucking amazing.”

Simon smiles, looking proud. As he should be.

Simon leans in for a kiss and Bram gently pulls him in bed. They lay there for a while, kissing like they would before they discovered sex. There is no stamina left in Bram for anything more serious, but he also feels incapable to let go of Simon.

It’s nice, though, to be able to just kiss like that without sex having to be the destination.

They are interrupted by a voice coming from downstairs.

“I AM IN THE HOUSE. COULD ALL PEOPLE PLEASE BE EITHER DRESSED OR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS?”

Bram groans. The sex was hot. But this won’t be the main reason why he remembers this day anymore. And he will have to relive the embarrassment _whenever he sees Nora._ With anyone but Simon, it would just have been easier to just break up…

 

 


	54. The first time they were invited to a club opening

**Simon**

 

Seeing Leah again feels so good. Simon didn’t realize how much he had missed her until she just appeared on his front porch. She even lets him hug her for thirty full seconds. It makes Simon regret that he wasn’t there for the actual break. He would have loved to spend some time with Leah and Nick, just like before.

Then again, they will have plenty of time for that this summer.

“How was South America?” Simon asks as Leah shows much more enthusiasm and love to Bieber than she did Simon.

“Amazing! It truly was the best experience of my life! It was the perfect mix of being taken care of by the organization and the adventure that traveling through South America brings.”

“The pictures you posted were incredible!”

“I especially liked when I was posting about my incredibly hot summer and you were posting about your cold Chicago winter.”

“Yeah… I’ve been jealous once or twice.”

“Me too. I mean, sure, you were probably freezing, but heavy snow looks like so much fun!”

‘You can always visit me next year.” Leah makes a funny face. “What? You can road-trip to Nick’s campus but not mine?”

“It’s not that. I _really_ enjoyed what I did.”

“Are you doing the program again?”

“Not really. Teaching was not really my thing. Also, have you ever tried to explain English pronunciation? Because I don’t want to have to go through that again. But I met this woman in Argentina who is working on educating teenagers on risky behaviors. Sex, drugs, violence… all of that. She used to do that in the US but her husband moved to Buenos Aires for work and she took the organization global. She is running another program that’s a bit similar to the one I joined but for these specific issues. It would be three months of training in LA starting in September and then a six months placement in one of their offices. If things go well, this might turn into a real job. I obviously have to think about it, but it sounds like a great opportunity. It’s real experience, it’s cheaper than college, and it matters, you know?”

“I do know. What does your mom say?”

“I haven’t really talked about it with her. I told Nick, but he was just ‘yeah, go for it, the world is your oyster’.”

“And that’s not what you wanted to hear?”

“I don’t know. I would have liked him to freak out a bit.”

“Leah… You know we are going to miss you, right? But we’re all in different places anyway.”

“It’s not what I mean. Should I just go to college and then do crazy things?”

“College will still be there when you come back. Plus, as you said, if you found something you like that gives you experience and that can get you a job quicker and cheaper than college… shouldn’t you try that? Even if it’s scary? Even if it’s not what people usually do?”

“I guess so. Is it crazy though?”

“I’m studying performing arts. I obviously know nothing about sensible life choices.”

“True. I should be discussing that with the smart one in your relationship. Where is Bram, by the way? I thought the two of you would be impossible to separate this week.”

“He’s at church. He wanted to talk to his priest about what happened recently.”

“Okay, I know what happened was very sad, and a tragedy and all of that, but… when you say ‘what happened recently’, all I hear is Nora finding your naked boyfriend tied to the staircase.”

Simon can feel his face burning up and it takes him a few tries before being able to talk. “How do you know that?”

“Nora messaged me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Because you scarred her for life? Why would you do _that_ _there_? Even I picture it when I walk into your house now.”

“Please, can we never talk about it? And _do not_ mention to Bram that you know it. Last time he came home for dinner he didn’t even once look at Nora.”

“Well… I won’t tell Bram, but I’m sure Garrett will.”

“You told Garrett?”

“No! Of course, not! But Nora might have messaged the group chat.”

“Nora did what now?”

“When you and Bram were in New York, Nick, Abby, Garrett, and I hung out with Nora. And we had a group chat… that we might still be using…”

“Are you telling me that she told _all of our friends_? Why are you even doing hanging out with my sister?”

“I used to be in a band with her. Plus, relax. It’s fun.”

“You only think that because it didn’t happen to you!”

“Probably. Then again, I would _never_ have sex anywhere my family could see me.”

“Oh, is that why you’re moving a hemisphere away?”

“Yes. That’s the only reason.”

Simon loves the dynamic he has with Leah. But he viscerally hates his sister right now. Oh, God… What if she told Alice? She definitely told Alice, didn’t she? Is Bram going to hate him when he finds out?

Simon decides to change the subject slightly, hoping he will forget about his now viral humiliation. “So… have you met anyone in South America? You were very evasive about it every time I asked you.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to jinx it.”

“Oh… so there _was_ someone…”

“Two, actually.”

Simon’s eyes go wide. “Really?”

“Not at the same time, you kinky pervert.”

“Okay, that’s very judgemental of you!”

“Shut up. So there was this guy when I was in Brazil. He had the craziest eyes I’d ever seen and his lips were perfect.” Simon wiggles his eyebrows and she punches his shoulder. “He worked at the restaurant next to our hotel. We’ve been together for three weeks when I was working there. He taught me quite a lot of Portuguese. Or at least he tried. We still message sometimes – in English – but it’s not like we were going to try long distance when none of us is ever planning on being in the same country again. And for two months, I was with this girl… Lucy. She joined the program after me. She’s still doing it.”

“Oh… you first girl. Is she the blonde with wavy hair that was in a lot of your pictures?”

“Yeah.”

“So… are you still a thing.”

“No?”

“Why did that sound like a question?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. We didn’t make any promises, but we still message or Skype every other day. She lives in San Francisco and she would be going back to California just when I have to join the program in LA.”

“LA is quite far from San Francisco.”

“I know. But her dad lives in Pasadena. I don’t think we’re going to be the lesbian version of you and Bram, but… is it pathetic that I’m hoping that we could start something again when she comes back?”

“Wait… are you saying that there is a heart in there somewhere? For _romance_?”

“Shut up! Garrett says that I should tell her how I feel.”

“You told Garrett about it?”

“Why not?”

“Because he was in love with you when you were all like ‘love isn’t my thing’.”

“Yes, but see… Garrett isn’t a baby like you. One can have a mature conversation with him.”

Simon is about to reply something equally ridiculous when he gets a message from Bram. He always puts the people who are actually with him before anyone on the other side of a screen. Unless that person is Bram. Then the rest of the world just has to wait.

 

_Your sister is the devil._

_…_

_You knew?_

_It depends… what do you know?_

_Garrett is sending me all sorts of pictures that oddly remind me of a traumatic recent event._

_I’m sorry._

_I should have known she would do something like that and tried to stop her._

_Don’t worry, I don’t blame you._

_Nor her, exactly._

_I still want to disappear._

_Ignore Garrett like I’m trying to ignore Leah._

_Leah? Who else knows?_

_…_

_Let’s talk about it later._

_How was church?_

_Helpful._

_But I actually wasn’t messaging you about church or Garrett._

_I just saw his messages when I took my phone._

_Guess who I just ran into._

_Someone hot?_

_You would think so._

_Is that answer a trap?_

_100%_

_Cal Price?_

_Yes._

_His break happens to be now._

_Anyway, he has scored invites for the opening of a gay club in Atlanta tonight._

_Do you want to go?_

_Of course, I do!_

_Any chance I can invite Leah?_

_Yes, I think so._

_I’ll check with him._

 

“Hey, Leah?”

“Oh, I exist again?”

“You know you became number two the day I met Bram.”

“That’s just bullshit. I became number two the day you realized Bram existed. Which was _ages_ after you met him.”

“Fine. I’m a lousy human being. You’re still number two. My number one however just invited us to a club opening in Atlanta tonight. Do you want to go?”

“What sort of club is it?”

“Gay.”

“A bit more details?”

“I have none.”

“Ugh. Fine, but there’d better be some girls.”

 

They meet up Cal and two of his friends at nine a few blocks from the club.

Simon has never been to a club _opening_ before and he is very excited. He is also looking forward to feeling like a part of the LGBT life in Atlanta.

His excitement reaches his height when, after queuing for nearly twenty minutes, they reach the door and Cal hands out the invites to a tall, muscular – hot – bouncer. “I need to see some ID.” Cal hands out his ID card and the bouncer snorts. “Yeah, come back in two years.”

“What?”

“It’s twenty-one plus.”

“I’ve been told it would be fine, we just wouldn’t be able to drink.”

“I don’t know who told you that, but they wasted some good invites trying to get you here. But it’s still twenty-one plus.”

“Come on,” says one of Cal friends. “We’re here and we just want to go in and have a good time. No drinking. You can stamp us or whatever.”

“Look, you’re all cute with your twink faces, although she is scary,” he adds, pointing at Leah, “but not enough for me to risk my job. I don’t care what you intend to do or not and even if I had a no drinking stamp, it’s a club. We’re not supposed to know about it, but there are a lot of things being exchanged in there that are not sold by the establishment. And I am not going to be the bouncer used as an illustration picture next to the story of teenagers – because that’s still what you are – taking drugs or having underage sex at the new gay nightclub in town. So now, I need all six of you to move so the grown-ups can party.”

This is an odd mix of assertive, rude, patronizing, and also caring in a way, and the six of them move without even thinking or arguing back. Not that it would make any difference.

“Oh, I’m _so_ glad I came,” Leah comments.

“I’m sorry,” Cal says. “I was promised that we would be able to get in.”

“Ignore her,” Simon says. “She has an opportunity to complain, she’s actually over the moon. Babe, what are you doing?”

Bram is looking down his contact list. “Making a phone call. I am using our joker card.”

There is only one person that Bram refers to as ‘their joker card’. “Do you think Adisa could get us in?”

“No, you goof. But he must know a place in this town that would be really gay, really fun, and where we could get in, even with our ‘twink faces’.”

Simon knows that Bram didn’t enjoy being called a twink. He also knows that Leah very much enjoyed being called scary.

 

As usual, Adisa delivers and gives them the address of a bar a couple of blocks away. It’s not a club, they are not allowed to drink, but it is very gay and very fun. It is mostly college students, and Simon never realized that there were so many young gay people in this town. Of course, it’s always different in the suburbs, but he wishes he knew when he was in high school. When he was feeling so alone and outstanding, holding on to Blue like a life preserver.

Although, he wouldn’t take back finding Blue. Not even for more clarity and an easier coming out.

Cal’s friends are very nice, one of them clearly has a crush on Cal – and Simon wonders if he was this obvious. He really hopes not because that would have been awkward for Bram back then – and even Leah is having fun. They meet new people and it’s a bit odd to know you have something in common with a stranger and yet not feeling like you have to bring it into the conversation.

This might even be a better evening than if they actually made it into the club. Still, at some point, Simon leans closer to Bram and says: “The day you turn twenty-one, we’re going to a real gay club.”

“You don’t have to wait for me.”

“But I want to. It wouldn’t be fun without you!”

Simon loves the smile that blooms on Bram’s face. “I’m flattered you are willing to wait a bit longer for all the non-sold by the establishment drugs.”

“Oh no, I’m mostly interested in the sex part,” Simon jokes back.

“As long as you don’t tie me down…”

 

 


	55. The first time one had to nurse the other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everybody!  
> Hopefully, you'll still be crazy enough to follow me in this neverending story this year!
> 
> However, there are going to be more and more ellipsis in the story, and there is quite a big chunk of time between this chapter and the previous one.  
> It will mean that sometimes, some things will be told more than shown, and that's not very good quality writing, but at some point, if the story is told through first times, I can't follow them all the time. Also, I don't have enough stories, adventures, and twists and in me to properly fill a neverending story.
> 
> Hopefully, you'll enjoy anyway!

**Bram**

 

Summer went way too fast. Now that they know what it’s like, now that they have had to say goodbye so many times, Bram really thought that going back to school would be easy. It wasn’t. After months with Simon, saying goodbye felt even more painful than the first time. They knew that they would be apart for longer than they were together and that almost felt like too much.

But they also knew it wasn’t, so they took planes going in different directions and Bram is now back at Columbia.

He asked for a single dorm, nervous about having to share a room with a stranger again and all that it could imply. He was refused it, however, and is now sharing a dorm with Oliver. He is quite different from Eddy. He is much closer to the image that Bram had of a Columbia roommate when he imagined it before moving to New York. He is studious but he has a social life too. Somehow, though, Bram feels like he cannot get involved. He only has polite conversation with him, but he cannot go anywhere near ‘friendly’ or ‘personal’. Maybe it will come with time. Or maybe Bram knows better now. He wasn’t even friendly with Eddy and… Bram always to actively stop himself from going there. Thinking about Eddy is never productive.

Classes started again and Bram is very excited about that. This year is going to be challenging again, probably more than last year, actually, but also incredibly interesting. Alright, so Garrett is right. He is a nerd. He’s fine with that.

Bram also started working. A couple of evenings per week and on Saturdays, he is a tutor. His respectable SAT scores and his prestigious university got him to be booked very quickly. It is time-consuming, but it pays well and Bram focuses on being able to see Simon more often. Also, college won’t last forever and it might be smart to have some money saved up for when real life will start.

Which however means that Bram had to cut down on extra-curricular activities. He is still doing sports – this term is handball. Bram never played it before, but it’s quite fun – and he couldn’t do without his study group. Which means he had to let go of the LGBT group. He still goes to some parties, or get-togethers, but not as regularly as last year.

The only thing that Bram didn’t compromise on is Garrett time.

Bram barely even has time for himself, but he sort of likes it better this way. He likes being busy even though it sometimes feels like he could do with a couple hours of sleep or that time is slipping away slightly too fast.

 

Right now, however, all of this is paying off. All of Bram’s work is done ahead thanks to the study group and he got his first full paycheck, meaning that he is now on a plane to Chicago. Three days with Simon. Finally. He almost can’t believe that they managed to cut their time apart short so quickly.

Bram is massively surprised to see that Simon isn’t the one picking him from the airport. “Ted?”

“Hi, Bram.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I always had a crush on you, so I thought if I picked you up first, you might elope with me.”

“Tempting. But I’m going to pass. I always said I would only elope if someone got pregnant.”

“Well, if that’s the only thing standing between us, I’m sure we could get _someone_ pregnant.”

“I’ll pass. Hum… Where is Simon? Is he alright?”

“It’s a yes and no answer. He’s sleeping. He’s got the flu or something. Woke up this morning with a fever and everything. He took dome medicine and hoped it would go away or he could power through, but when he realized he was truly ill, you were already on the plane. So… here I am. Do you want to go see him, or do you want us to do something? He’s gonna be useless for at least a few more hours.”

This isn’t Simon’s fault. The plane tickets were non-refundable, and Bram would have come anyway. It doesn’t mean the weekend is ruined: Simon might feel better after a good sleep. Bram understands all of that. But he can’t help being profoundly disappointed.

“Actually… would you mind if we got some supplies and then you take me to him?”

“That would be my pleasure. But just so you know, I’m happy to be your chauffeur whenever you want this weekend, I can also be your errand boy or whatever you need, but I am not going in that room. He can keep his germs of death.”

“He is that sick?”

“I would say no, but they probably thought the same thing at the beginning of the bubonic plague. Plus, his parents might be crazy anti-vaxxers.”

“Which shouldn’t be an issue if you are vaccinated.”

“Hey, I might have a very weak immune system.”

Bram has to admit that he is very admirative of Ted’s ability to always make the conversation land on the most peculiar topics.

 

As promised, Ted took Bram to the store and then dropped him at his dorm and gave him his keys.

Simon is indeed still sleeping and Bram doesn’t know if he should let him know he’s here or let him rest. The latter seems more reasonable, so Bram decides to sit in what Simon calls ‘the comfy chair’ and gets his book out.

 

Bram is woken up by a soft kiss on his forehead. He opens his eyes and realizes that he fell asleep in the – actually – comfy chair. Simon is looking at him, looking unwell but happy. “Hey, Babe. You should have woken me up! I’m sorry I didn’t come to the airport.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Bram tries to pull in Simon for a kiss, but he leans back. “Babe, maybe we shouldn’t. I might be contagious.”

“I don’t care,” Bram replies, pulling Simon in. Simon’s lips are unusually warm, they have a light taste of sweat and they are a bit dry. This kiss is still all Bram wanted and more.

Simon moves away from Bram before a coughing fit. Okay. They will have to behave tonight. “I’m sorry Bram. I should have realized sooner and called you before your flight.”

“And I would have boarded anyway. Even if we spend the weekend inside, doing nothing, I will be fine with that. And I’m happy I get to be there for you. We’re never there for the little things. Good or bad. Which reminds me. Since I’m a good boyfriend, I got you a few things.” He opens the bag he got from the store. “Oreos, cold medicines, soup, green tea, a cheesy DVD – it’s a musical – some lip balm, tissues, honey – it’s actually a natural antibiotic and it helps with cough – some vitamins. And… yep, that’s it.”

“Babe, that’s the best care package anyone ever made!”

“How about we put the DVD on, get comfy under the blankets with some tea with honey and a few Oreos?”

“I love you so much right now! I could marry you!”

“But no one’s pregnant.”

“What?”

“Never mind, it’s something silly between me and Ted.”

“You and Ted have private jokes?”

“Apparently.”

 

Simon keeps falling asleep and waking up. He is warm and his hair is a bit damp from sweat, but Bram keeps him close, keeps brushing his hair, lets him sleep when he needs to, and talks to him when he’s awake. The conversation ends up being fragmented, but Bram can still honestly say that he is happy. He is with Simon, and even in this still unfamiliar dorm, in this relatively unknown city, with a boy asleep most of the time, it feels like coming home.

 

“Thank God Thanksgiving is soon and I will be able to make it up to you,” Simon tells Bram as he brings the heated soup to Simon.

Bram’s stomach clenches. He didn’t want to discuss it with Simon over the phone or through a screen. Now doesn’t feel like the right time either, but waiting any further would be cowardly. “Simon, about that… My dad and Stacey invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them and Levi… in Florida.”

Simon seems about to tell Bram how great it is when he seems to realize that, unless one of them manages to clear an extended weekend again, they won’t see each other until Christmas. “Oh…”

“I don’t have to go.”

“Of course, you have to go!”

“I don’t really want to. But…”

“But we have to stop always putting each other first and spend time with our families too,” Simon finishes. “I get it. Go have fun with your brother. We’ll call each other every day. It will be like being together.”

“It won’t,” Bram says. Simon shrugs. He knows it won’t, but it’s better than nothing, and it’s the best they can do.

“Hey, here is what we are going to do. We won’t go home straight away during the winter break. I will fly to New York first, we’ll go to see a show like we planned, we will go to Central Park when it’s frozen and magical, as you said the last time we went… We’ll take time to be just the two of us and to create some nice memories in your city before seeing our families. Just like we did last year before Thanksgiving.”

“That sounds perfect,” Bram agrees, relieved. “I want that. I’m sorry we already have to make plans for December.”

“And I’m sorry our weekend is me dozing off every fifteen minutes and eating soup.”

“Stop apologizing. You can’t control if you’re ill. Plus, the soup is quite good!”

Bram pings again and he grabs it to put it on silent.

“It’s like the seventh message in ten minutes,” Simon comments. “It might be important.”

“It’s not. It’s the group chat I have with Tim and Mary. We usually use it for school stuff, but Tim is having relationship issues. It can wait.”

“What’s wrong?”

Bram shrugs. “I’m not sure. He only sort of talks about it. I’ve seen him and Miller fight a couple of times at parties, and I’m pretty sure it’s because one of them is cheating. See. Being in the same city isn’t the key to success.”

“Are they going to break up?”

“I don’t know. What’s left after cheating? You can forgive and move on but I don’t think their relationship is strong enough. He also mentioned opening the relationship and Tim and Mary are discussing what the rules should be, and where does cheating start in an open relationship.”

“And you don’t want to give your opinion?”

“My opinion is that it’s a conversation he should have with Miller, not us. Besides, I don’t believe in the concept. Someone is going to end up being hurt, especially if both parties don’t want it on the same level. If this was a way to explore their sexuality, sure, why not, everyone can do whatever they want. But this is to save a relationship, and it doesn’t seem like the healthiest way to do it.”

“Have you told him that?”

“Not in so many words. I didn’t want to sound judgemental when he was asking for support. I expressed some concerns, but… everyone has a right to mess up. It’s his life.”

Simon puts the bowls away and says: “We are quite lucky.”

“Because we both agree on having a closed relationship?”

“No. I mean, yes, there is that. But also if our relationship ever becomes that messy, we can always go to Adisa.”

Bram can’t help but smile. That is very true.

 

“I’m sorry about this rubbish weekend,” Simon says for the twentieth time as they are going to bed earlier than usual.

“Stop apologizing!”

“You should call Ted. He might be doing something fun tonight, I’m sure you could join! And if he’s not, he’ll make plans with you.”

“It’s a very nice offer, but I didn’t fly all this way to spend time with Ted. I came to be with you, however unwell you are.” Simon looks tired and Bram knows he’s been fighting a big headache for at least an hour to keep Bram company. “Plus, isn’t that the point of a weekend? Get a lot of rest?”

“I guess.” Simon happily settles in Bram’s open arms. “But I’m sure you had some sexy time in mind when you thought about this weekend, and I’m the furthest away from sexy right now.”

“It might come as a shock to you, but there is actually more to our relationship than sex.”

“I know. But I was looking forward to sexy time.”

Simon sounds so genuine and sad right now that Bram can’t help but smile. “Me too, Love. But we’ll have other opportunities.”

Simon doesn’t reply, already drifting off to sleep. Bram uses one hand to gently brush Simon’s back, and the other to read his book. It’s an odd mix of perfect and uncomfortable.

Bram gets really startled when a few minutes later, Simon sort of wakes up and sleepily blurts out: “I don’t know what you’re doing with me.” Bram is about to ask Simon what he means by that when the other boy snores. It was just divagation from a sleepy, feverish Simon.

Bram puts the book down and holds the other boy closer. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. But even if it’s not, even if Simon stays unwell for three days and they have to stay indoors, unable to have ‘sexy time’, even if the most exciting that happens this weekend is Teddy proposing to Bram, even if Bram gets the flu from it, he would be fine with that.

All he needed was a bit of Simon time. He had that. And he is going to make the most of it until he has to go.

 

 


	56. The first time Nick visited Simon in Chicago

**Simon**

 

“Your city is worse than a fridge,” Nick comments, getting out of the cab.

“You’re such a baby,” Simon comments getting out of the car too.

“It’s totally a Leah-line,” Nick replies.

Simon gets his keys out of his pocket. “I called her yesterday. I guess she rubbed off on me.”

“Well, I’m next,” Nick says following Simon inside. Nick is staying with Simon for three day before going to a wedding in Milwaukee. “Nice dorm! Are you sure his roommate is happy to leave me his bed for two nights?”

“I think he sees it as an excuse to stay with his girlfriend for two days.”

“Fair enough.” Nick abandons his bag on the floor and falls on Ted’s bed, already making himself at home. Like it should be.

“We could grab lunch with them tomorrow, if you want. I’m sure you’ll get along well. And Amara’s dog is super cute.”

“That’s such a Simon thing to say! I’m sure you now hang out with her just to pet the dog. Wait… Can you even pet a guide dog?”

“Yes and no. Not when he’s working, but at her house, he’s pretty much a normal dog. The change is very interesting to see, actually.”

“It would be fun to meet them. I want to see who your new best friend is.”

“You’re still my best friend.”

“That’s a lie, because we all know it’s really Leah,” Nick says with an easy smile, indicating that there is nothing hidden behind his words. Simon doesn’t reply anything because he doesn’t need to. Nick is easier to navigate than Leah.

“What’s new in your life?” he asks instead. “I feel like we haven’t talked in ages!”

“Not much. It’s college, you know. A mix of new experiences all the time, and yet boring routine.” Simon knows exactly what his friend means. You can’t really explain your college life in a few words. Right now, the person the only person that knows and understands Simon’s daily life or college experience is Ted. Bram comes close, but it’s not the same. Bram doesn’t know about the odd queue in a stair for Simon’s favorite cafeteria, the weird tree that he can see from his History of Theatre class, or the odd smell of the library’s second floor… It’s things that aren’t worth telling but that thread a daily life.

“Are you still seeing that girl?” Simon asks. “Jenny, is it?”

“Jen. Yes, two months now.”

“You didn’t really mention her when I saw you at Thanksgiving.”

“Abby was there. I know we both decided to break up, and we are still friends, but I don’t think we should test that friendship. Things are still a little awkward. We used to love each other, and then we realized that we didn’t really felt that way anymore but we couldn’t really let go… I don’t know. It’s weird to be friends with someone you used to be with.”

“I was friends with Anna.”

“Okay, but you didn’t love Anna, you never saw Anna naked, and you weren’t really close friends after that. Name one time you hang out with her because you chose to. See? You can’t. So anyway… I am keeping my Abby life and my other girls life separate for now. Until I find a girl worth making things awkward in the friendship group.”

“Could that be Jen?”

Nick shrugs, a bit uncomfortable. They don’t really do bit heart to heart conversation. Simon is ready to take the shrug as a valid answer, but Nick says: “It started very casual. I had noticed her in class, but we never really talked that much. I kissed her at a party, we were both very drunk, then I saw her again at the library, we got coffee, then we went back to her dorm to… you know. After that, we just kept finding reasons to see each other and I’m thinking about her all the time…” Nick lets out a big sigh. “I don’t know. I’m not rushing things. We have time. I want to see where things take us.”

“Things are currently taking you somewhere with a lot of selfies of the two of you,” Simon comments.

“Yeah? Well, you and Greenfeld were annoying too, at first.” He might have a point. “So… How is long distance?”

It is Simon’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know. This year is… harder in a way. We don’t talk about missing each other, because there is no point, we know we do, and we’ll be in that situation for three more years… but it makes it feel like a taboo subject. I don’t know what talking about it could do – it didn’t especially help last year – but not talking about it feels wrong…”

“That sounds more like a symptom. Why do you think you need to talk about it?”

“It’s just that… last time he came, I had the worst cold, or the flu, or whatever and I felt like a shitty boyfriend. Since then, I had this old feeling that… I don’t know why he’s with me.”

“Because you guys love each other?”

“Am I not just pulling him back though? We got together because of the crazy way we met. I’m not sure we have much more in common. I mean look at him. And he’s smart.”

“You’re smart too.”

“We’re not the same kind of smart as Bram.”

“Can I just remind you that he had a crush on you first?”

“It’s different to have a crush on someone and to have feelings for someone.”

“Do you doubt he loves you?”

“No, I don’t. I see it and I feel it. I just don’t comprehend it sometimes.”

“Do you still think it was the right decision?”

“Absolutely! When I see him, or when we talk on the phone, it’s perfect.”

“Then the rest will just fade away,” Nick promises. “I think you’re just looking at old demons just because you want to put a reason on your insecurity, but… it’s you and Bram. I’ve always rooted for you two?”

“Yeah! We all did. Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s just… I didn’t think you cared that much. I knew you were happy for me, but that’s it.”

“It was a weird time. And you and I don’t really do that. This conversation, right now, it’s weird. But you know I never had a problem with it, right? You liking dudes, I mean. I just didn’t how to react or what you needed.”

“I know.” Simon truly does, he never doubted that about his best friend. Even when he was terrified about coming out, he was afraid of becoming someone else, not that Nick or Leah would truly have a problem with it.

“Hey, do they have WaHo in Chicago?”

“No. Why?”

“I think I’m feeling nostalgic. We used to hang mainly in my basement, but that was our second favorite spot, wasn’t it?”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Yeah, but… Leah is across the country and she might move back to South America. You’re here in almost-Alaska, Abby is in Baltimore… I knew I wouldn’t keep all of my high school friends, but I always thought that us four would make it.”

“Not Bram and Garrett?”

“Let’s face it. That very much depends on your relationship with Bram. So currently, I would say yes.”

“And I would say that currently, we’re all keeping in touch pretty well.”

“I know, but… aren’t you afraid that we might grow apart?”

Simon takes a minute to think about it. Yes, he is partly worried about it. But at the same time, he isn’t. Not as long as there are moments like that when months have gone by, but it feels like resuming a conversation that ended yesterday. “Not if our parents still live this close. We’ll end up seeing each other at least for the holidays.”

“Bram wasn’t there for Thanksgiving.”

“Yes, well, we don’t have divorced parents. I mean… Leah does, but when is her dad ever going to invite her to anything?”

“I see your point… we might not remain best friends, but we’ll always be family?” Nick said that with an overly sweet tone, openly making fun of how cheesy the conversation just turned.

The conversation dies for a moment, both of them deep in their thoughts, perfectly comfortable with the silence.

“What do you think is more plausible?” Nick asks, voice more serious than before. “You and Bram breaking up or you and I losing touch?”

“That’s a cheerful question.”

“I know… it’s just… I said it as a joke, but we are sort of family. We grew up together, we know we’ll stay in touch because of time traditionally spent with family, we share people in our lives that will link us forever… and yet you sounded like circumstances might not be enough to keep people together. Well, I think that you have more in common with Bram than me. I don’t know if he’s your ‘soulmate’ or whatever crap, but… I think the two of you are meant to last.”

“I think someone is falling for a girl and wants to believe in love again,” Simon says and Nick shows him his middle finger. “To answer your question… I see the two of you in my life when I think about my future. I know we can’t tell what the future holds, but… that’s what I’m hoping for.”

“Then promise, right here and now, that if you ever get married to Greenfeld, I’ll be the best man.”

“You’ll be the best man whoever I marry,” Simon promises. “But it will be Bram,” he adds after a pause.

There is another pause, then Nick asks: “In a gay marriage, how do you decide who walks down the aisle first? And when it’s two girls, is it awkward if one of them is wearing a nicest dress? I mean… brides want to be the prettiest. How do you do that when there are two of them? And please, tell me that there is some officiant that said, ‘I now pronounce you husband and husband’. Please tell me that’s how your wedding will end.”

“If that makes you happy. You really have the weirdest questions. Is that really what straight people want to find out?

“No… I wonder about things that I’m not comfortable asking you yet. In a few years.”

"Oh, God. Is it sex questions?"

"Not just..."

Simon both can’t wait and hopes it will never happen. Then again, he has questions he wants to ask too…

 

 


	57. The first time they broke up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title: Can I break your hearts in 2000 words?
> 
> At least you won't be blindsided...

**Bram**

 

This time, Bram was not able to go get Simon from the airport because of a late end of term exam. Which means that Bram has a very hard time focusing on said exam. But Bram is a studious person and he manages to silence (most of) the impatience and he is satisfied with what he turns in.

Then he nearly runs to his dorm. Half an hour and Simon will be there. Bram doesn’t even care about the Winter holidays, or Christmas being so close. He only cares about Simon being moments away and the weeks they have together. Weeks. Plural. Sounds like heaven.

Contrary to what they had planned, they saw so little of each other this year. And the last time they did see each other, they didn’t even get to spend quality time together. Bram wouldn’t take it back, it was a very sweet weekend, but he is looking forward time with a non-sleepy Simon.

Before flying home for the holidays, they are going to do everything Simon said when he was ill. Romantic walk through central park, show on Broadway – Bram already has tickets – dinner, maybe a drink somewhere gay and ‘sexy time’. They are going to celebrate all the things that happen during the winter season and that they weren’t or won’t be together for, or will have to share the other. Thanksgiving, Simon’s birthday, Bram’s birthday, Christmas, New Year, their third year anniversary…

Bram is literally bubbling with excitement.

 

Bram gets a shower, although his last shower was roughly five hours ago and when he gets back to his room, his heart nearly stops: by his desk is a duffle bag that doesn’t belong to him, and on his bed is sitting a very smiley Simon.

They meet halfway and end up in a tight hug in the middle of Bram’s dorm. God. The smell of Simon’s hair. Every time they get reunited, it soothes Bram. Simon really is Bram’s happy place.

“You’re early!”

“I can go wait outside, if you want.” Bram silences his silly boyfriend with a kiss. That quickly becomes out of control. “Oliver?” Simon asks, already breathing fast.

“Already home.” Simon doesn’t need more information.

 

“Are you hungry?” Bram asks as they are putting their clothes back on.

“Starving,” Simon answers. “Should we go to the pizza place from last time? I still think about their Vesuvio sometimes…”

Bram laughs. “Sure. And what do you want to do tonight? Some of my classmates are throwing an ‘end of exams’ party. Do you want to go?”

“I don’t mind. It’s your classmates. Do you want to spend time with them?”

“Yeah, I think I’d like to go.”

“Then I’d love to go,” Simon replies with an easy smile, stealing another kiss for Bram.

And then more than a kiss.

 

The party is great. Well… it’s a regular party. But Simon is here. And some time out having fun is exactly what Bram needed. Something to release the tension of the past term. It probably was the most challenging one so far.

Simon did help with that, of course – multiple times, even – but it’s also nice to see other students in a more relaxed environment before they all go home for the holidays, although everyone who didn’t have any of the late exams already left.

Bram and Simon agreed on two things: no more than two drinks and leave at midnight. It’s not to be buzzkills, it’s to make sure to save some time to spend time together. Which was probably a good idea, as Simon and Bram got separated quite soon after arriving. It could annoy Bram, to have to share his boyfriend so soon after being reunited, but he wants to enjoy that feeling of having time to spare, that a couple of hours don’t matter when they have days to look forward to, that they can’t still be themselves, two separate entities, in spite of the need and want created by the distance. Bram also likes that Simon is talking to his friends and classmates, mingling with everyone like the social butterfly he is. Simon has always been the good one at talking to people.

Bram thinks that some of his classmates might even like him better after meeting Simon. He’s that kind of light presence that everyone agrees on.

So Bram doesn’t worry when Tim and Mary pull Simon aside to talk. Whatever juicy details they are going to try to get from Simon, he will never talk.

 

Yet, maybe Bram should have been worried. When they leave the party, Simon is very silent and not quite himself. He barely answers back to Bram’s conversation.

Bram decides to wait until they are back to his dorm before asking anything. He doesn’t know if there is a conversation to be had, but if there so, it might not be one they can have in public.

 

“Love, are you alright?” Bram asks as soon as he closes the door. Simon turns around and the looks he gives Bram covers him in shivers. Not the good kind. Simon looks lost, sad, but determined. How long has he looked like this? What did Bram miss? “Love?”

“Bram, I… I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what?”

“This isn’t working.”

“What isn’t working?”

“The long-distance.”

Bram feels like his body was just immersed in icy water. “What do you mean?”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes!”

“Not now, Bram. Usually. Three weeks ago, were you happy and satisfied after we skyped?”

“Simon, stop. Where is this coming from?”

“Mary told me you were having panic attacks,” Simon sounds accusatory, and Bram knows that Simon is upset Bram hasn’t told him.

“I had one.”

“Why haven’t you told me?”

“I called you after it happened, but you were having lunch with Nick and Ted, and you sounded so happy. It didn’t want to make that moment about me.”

“That was _weeks_ ago! Why haven’t you told me since?”

“Because it’s not a big deal! It didn’t happen again. I didn’t want you to worry about me when you can’t even be here!”

“Exactly! That, right there. _I can’t even be here_.”

“No, no, no. Don’t twist my words, Simon.”

“Then tell me you haven’t been lonely.”

Bram knows where this is going, what’s hiding behind that sentence. “I was drunk. I complained to my friends about missing you and being lonely just once, when I was drunk.”

“Yeah. But you told them. And you never told _me_. They’re not Garrett. They’re just friends. And they know how you feel better than I do. Does that sound right?”

“Simon… it’s been a long term and stressful term. We couldn’t see each other that much. But it’s over now, and we have two weeks to…”

“Two years and a half left,” Simon says, coldly, almost mechanically. “I don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard. We’re trying to be there for one another, but clearly we are not. You’re not even telling me when you need me. And at what cost? How much of your Columbia life are you missing out on so we can talk to one another? It would be fine if we were telling each other the real stuff, like we used to, but we’re just politely lying. Tim knows your life better than me, and I’m pretty sure that I’m sharing more with Leah, wherever in the world she is right now, than with you. This isn’t normal.”

“Fine. You’re right. We lost our way a bit. But we can work on that.”

“I think I want to break up.”

It takes Bram a few times to remember how to breathe. “Simon… don’t do this. Please.”

“It’s not working, Bram. We need to face that it’s not working and that we’re holding each other back. It’s just not worth it anymore.”

That, right there, is what hurts Bram. The ‘each other’ comment. Bram could keep Simon if his only reason was that he was doing it for Bram. He could make him understand that he was wrong and that it wasn’t what Bram wanted. Or needed. That Simon is actually what helps Bram make it through tough times even if he has issues sharing it, even if they can’t always be together. But it’s not what Simon just said. Those two words just implied that Simon is feeling trapped in this relationship.

How long has he been feeling like that? Bram was so sure they were happy. It’s been tough, he knows that. But it’s been worth it. He was so sure it had been worth it.

“I thought you were happy,” Bram says, almost accusingly.

“I was. I am. Now, tomorrow too, probably. Whenever we are together. But we are never together, Bram, and… I can’t do this anymore. Pining for you for months, finally seeing you, being happy for a minute and a half before dreading the moment we are going to have to say goodbye, and… It hurts too much. Every time.”

Just like that, Bram is seventeen again, incapable of speaking to Simon Spier, especially not that day he saw him wearing eye-liner for the first time. Just like that, Bram is staring at a screen that tells him that Simon Spier likes another boy, possibly Cal Price. Just like that, Bram is in that lobby at the gay pride again, feeling like he is losing Simon. Just like that, Bram’s heart snaps neatly in half, free falls, and shatters on the ground.

Just like he always knew, he is not enough after all.

“Simon, I love you.” Bram’s voice is just a whisper, now. He sounds like someone who has been defeated and knows it.

“I love you too, Bram. That’s never been the issue. Sometimes, it’s just not enough.” They stay silent for a minute and Bram has to look away. He can’t look at the face of the boy he is losing. “I’m going to go stay at Abby’s tonight.”

“It’s a long drive,” Bram has to nearly bite his tongue to keep in the ‘Love’ that naturally wanted to punctuate his sentence.

“I’m not tired.”

Simon picks up his bag and Bram, stupidly, blurts out one last thing. “Do you remember what you said? That first time I went to your house, after the talent show? You said you like things that don’t end. You were talking about us, I know you were.” Bram knows how ridiculous he sounds, quoting a sentence that Simon said years ago, when they barely started dating and everything was new and shiny.

It seems to faintly disconcert Simon, though.

“It was different, Bram. It’s what Adisa said when we met him. The only thing we had to worry about back then was being in love. I thought… I used to think that if we could overcome the way society pictured us, we could overcome anything. But being called names doesn’t hurt as much as this.”

“Maybe it hurts so bad because it’s not what we’re supposed to do.”

“By ‘this’, I don’t mean the break-up, Bram. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts even more than I thought it would, but… I just mean us not being able to make it work.”

“We’ve survived the first year. It was supposed to be the hardest one.”

“And it wasn’t. If it’s getting worse every year, do you really want to live the next two?”

Bram has to bite his cheeks not to answer. Yes, he would. He would walk through fire to stay with Simon. Two more years of distance before a lifetime of happiness. It seems like a fair price to pay, and Bram would happily pay it.

But he doesn’t want to make Simon pay for it. If Simon isn’t happy, doesn’t Bram owe it to him to let him go?

So Bram stays silent and Simon leaves.

 

Bram is left there with nothing but the pain of having lost everything that truly mattered and the confusion of not knowing when things went wrong. As a whole and tonight.

 

Then Bram, who has never been the superstitious kind, remembers that fortune teller. She gave them two years. Bram laughed it off. Bram made a mental note to laugh it off again with Simon two years later. Ten years later. A lifetime later.

Right now, Bram doesn’t want to laugh.

 

What is it that they say? If they are meant to be, they will find their way back to each other.

Right now, Bram doesn’t know if he believes that.

 

 


	58. The first time Simon hated Bram

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, this chapter is going to be nothing but kittens, rainbows, unicorns, and happiness.
> 
> If you like chapters where they communicate well and make mature decisions, this might not be your favorite. Especially as Simon isn't quite his best self at the moment.
> 
> And there is this one thing that is going to annoy you, but I swear this isn't cheap writing (although... this is fanfiction, I get some free pass), and will be more develop next chapter.
> 
> (I don't think anyone ever sold anything so well to their readers...)

**Simon**

 

Four months. It’s been exactly four months since Simon broke up with Bram. He knows it was the right decision to make. He tells himself that every day. Several times a day. Whenever he regrets it.

He acted impulsively and, if he is being honest, he didn’t actually believe that it would last forever. He thought that Bram would have been able to convince him to stay. Simon was so close. Every time Bram objected, he was closer to put his lips on his boyfriend, beg him to forget everything he said and to keep things as they were.

Part of him is happy that Bram didn’t. But his heart is still aching every time he thinks about him and he would give almost anything to be his boyfriend again, to have Bram whisper his name in his hear, to make love with Bram again.

Simon would be incapable of pointing when or why he decided to break up with Bram, or why that decision dawned on him suddenly, taking him from blissfully happy to taking the hardest decision of his life within the same day.

The first thing that hit their relationship was the distance. Simon didn’t lie about that. Talking on the phone isn’t the same as spending time together, telling about your day isn’t the same as sharing your life, phone sex isn’t the same as holding each other…

And Bram had this anxiety moments in which he needed someone to change his mind. Someone he trusted. When Simon couldn’t be there, Garrett could, but what about when Garrett wasn’t there? So Bram found someone, other friends, and decided that it wasn’t important to share with Simon anymore. Simon wanted to be happy that he had friends who were there for him when things were too much, but also felt so unimportant suddenly. Bram didn’t need him anymore. He had a life of his own.

And the thing with Alice and Theo shook all of Simon’s certainties. If Alice was capable of that, with that little remorse, then anyone could. The doubt had taken root in his mind. If Bram found someone that could replace Simon for his support needs, what about the rest?

Before breaking up with Bram and having nothing but time to think about it, Simon didn’t even know he was jealous and insecure like that. Insecure about himself, yes, but he never thought he doubted Bram. But maybe the idea of Tim, in New York, smart, kind, gay and partially available… maybe it bothered Simon, to some level.

When Simon saw Bram again, all of his doubts faded away, and he just melted in the happiness of the moment. It was perfect.

But then he talked to Tim and Mary and he learned that Bram hadn’t talked to him about his recent moments of weakness, and Simon felt so detached from Bram that it hurt profoundly. Then Tim added something about Bram falling behind at some point because the study group had been at the same time as their Skype dates a few times. Tim said it as a joke, but Simon grew uneasy instantly. Why didn’t Bram tell him? Either the falling behind or, more importantly, about having to rearrange their online ‘dates’. What sort of gap had suddenly appeared between the two of them? And, most importantly, what sort of negative impact was Simon having on Bram’s life?

Bram who didn’t talk to him anymore, but who was still letting Simon impact his bursary-Ivy-League-Education. Simon couldn’t be that. The half-boyfriend that was still impacting his life negatively… He couldn’t let Bram’s dad be right about him.

So he took the mature, sensible decision.

He hoped with all his heart that Bram would prove him wrong.

Then he thought about the cliché saying that people who are meant to be always find their way back to each other. He isn’t entirely sure if he believes it or not. Because as soon as one of them moves on, then their story will be over.

 

When Simon arrived at Abby’s that night, she knew what happened. But he wouldn’t talk about it and she didn’t push. Then during the break, all his friends and family understood what happened, to some extent. Some asked. Simon still wouldn’t talk about it.

He didn’t cry. Not once.

He also didn’t see Bram. He suspects his friends to have orchestrated things to give both of them some space. Was Bram talking to Garrett about them? If so, what was he telling him? Did he understand? Was he hating Simon? Was he relieved?

Going back to Chicago actually felt like a liberation.

Simon walked into the dorm and he saw Ted, standing there with his wide happy smile and that’s when Simon broke. He burst out crying and, with Ted holding him, he finally let out all the pain, anger, frustration and resentment he had in his heart. Most of it directed at himself.

 

But it’s been four months. Simon doesn’t cry anymore. He doesn’t talk about Bram anymore either. One could think that he is moving one, but his heart still does that painful thing whenever something reminds him of Bram.

He put all the souvenirs in a box. They are too precious to throw away. One day, when the pain is gone, Simon will go down memory lane again and he will be happy to have kept things to remember his first love by – and what an epic first love.

In the meantime, he stays away from the box. Not that it matters. It’s all the other things that remind him of Bram. But he can also feel that this is fading away. He can spend a day without having to stop himself to call Bram, without thinking about him whenever his mind wanders…

 

Simon is lost in his thoughts when Ted throws a paper ball at him.

“What?”

“You’re drooling about your ex-boyfriend again.”

“What? No, I was not!”

“Really? Because I know that head off by heart, now. It’s your ‘I wish I didn’t move from banging to dumping in one evening' face. And I am tired of that face. Everyone is tired of that face. Even Amara is tired of the face and she can’t even see it. So I’m going to make a deal with you. Do you want to make a deal?”

“I do not want to make a deal.”

“Great: Let’s make a deal, then. We are going out tonight. You and me. Somewhere gay. We’ll find you a guy. Nice, hot, attractive, handsome, sexy, appealing…”

“I get the idea,” Simon interrupts him. “I’ve already opened a thesaurus too. Why do you want to get me a guy?”

“Because you need to fool around a bit. It will change your mind. Let’s go, get frunk, get you to kiss a guy.”

“Ted…”

“If you can’t, that means that you made a mistake – which we all know, by the way – and that you should go to New York and talk to Bram.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why? Please, don’t say ‘pride’, because I would sell away all of my dignity to have Amara back if I ever lost her. So you can suck up a bit of awkwardness.”

“Because Bram could have said something. Talking used to be our thing. We both knew then that if we talked about things, we could have worked through them. But he didn’t say anything. He let me go. He hasn’t been in contact since, either. Bram doesn’t want me back.”

“You’re really more stupid than you look, aren’t you? Yes, he screwed up. Yes, he has been M.I.A. But you are guilty of all of these just as much. No, much more, actually. So you’re not allowed to hide behind those excuses. It’s easier for you to go to Bram than the other way around right now. If you miss him that much, go get your boy. It might be that he misses you equally.”

“Ted…”

“Let’s go out. Kiss a guy. You’ll know what you’re supposed to do. I promise.”

“Speaking from personal experience?”

“Contrarily to you, some people are smart enough not to ditch the love of their life. But… you know… you do you.”

 

Simon went to a few LGBT places in Chicago, but he never even heard of the one Ted chose for tonight. It seems like Ted knows every single place in Chicago. Like a human TripAdvisor. The place is great. Not big enough to be overwhelming, not small enough to limit Simon’s options.

“What about him?” Simon asks.

“He looks like Bram,” Ted replies.

“No, he doesn’t. He’s white!”

“And he still looks like Bram. Look, there is nothing wrong with that. If you need a rebound that looks like your ex, I’m not judging. Or if you have a very specific type…”

“So I should go talk to him?”

“You should do whatever you want to do. If you feel like talking to him, just go for it. If not, then wait. Someone else will come along.” Ted has this face. It’s almost as if he’s telling Simon that it doesn’t matter how many guys come in the place, Simon won’t be able to go through with this.

 

The guy Simon has been talking to for half an hour is very cute. Simon doesn’t even have to feel bad about Ted because he found a couple of lesbian girls who are giving him tons of sex advice. He seems to be having the time of his life. Although they probably changed the subject by now.

The guy – Travis – is very charming. He is fun to be around and easy to talk to. Simon can feel some things waking up in him. Things he hasn’t felt since emailing Blue. A little thrill that is not at all unpleasant.

Then the moment arrives. Simon can feel it in his core. In a second, Travis is going to lean in, they are going to kiss and that will be it. Simon will have moved on.

He could still stop it.

He doesn’t.

 

“Hey,” Ted greets Simon with a cheeky tone and a knowing smile when he comes back to the table. “I saw you getting some action. How was it?”

“You were right.”

“I’m always right. What about?”

“I’m still in love with Bram and I am ready to get rid of every ounce of dignity I have left to beg him to take me back.”

Ted’s smile is so bright that one shouldn’t look directly at it. “Ladies, sorry, we have to go. My dear friend here just got a revelation and we need to act on it before he goes back to being stupid. It was, however, a pleasure, thank you so much for all the tips. And I will definitely call you so we can go see that movie and double date. Oh My God, if he sorts his shit soon enough, it could be a triple date!”

 

Simon doesn’t ‘sort his shit’ that soon, though. Kissing another guy and only being able to think about Bram, having that weird feeling that he was cheating, made him long for Bram like never before. But this is terrifying. Nothing forces Bram to take him back. He might not even be available anymore. Simon needs to work on what he is going to say. He needs to make it perfect. He cannot screw this up.

 

Ted actually comes up with a plan to get Simon to _do something_. For their Spring break, he and Amara are planning to go to Boston to visit friends who study there. He tells Simon that they could fly to New York, visit his uncle. There, Simon could see Bram, talk to him, and hopefully patch things up. If things end up not going so well, he could join Ted and Amara when they then drive to Boston.

He assured that Simon would neither impose nor third wheel. They will have other opportunities to have a romantic trip and this isn’t what this would be about anyway.

Simon accepts. The whole thing seems a bit less terrifying with a safety net and an exit strategy.

 

Which is what led Simon to that bench. Bram wasn’t home when Simon arrived thirty minutes ago. So he sat on the bench opposite his building and waited. Bram might be with his sports club, his study group, Garrett, studying… Simon will wait as long as he can. Ted and Amara are having dinner out tonight. They said they would text Simon when going back to see if he would need picking up. Amara gently added that she was sure he wouldn’t. That, more than anything else, gave him hope.

So Simon waits, wearing the Elliott Smith t-shirt and the hoodie that Bram brought from soccer camp and gave him on his birthday. He had to open the box to get them. He didn’t touch anything else. Everything else in there still belongs to the world of memories. Hopefully not for long…

 

Forty-five minutes later, Simon’s heart stops and he has to learn how to breathe again. Bram appeared at the corner of the building with a friend. He looks just as Simon remembers, but he feels different. Just seeing him is overwhelming. Simon never wanted anything more than Bram right now. He could cry from the emotion, and Bram hasn’t even looked in his direction yet.

Simon stands up, starts walking towards the two boys and stops mid-step. The other boy just pushed Bram against the wall and Bram let him, meeting his lips halfway. They are not exactly making out, but this isn’t an innocent kiss either. There is no doubt about what they are going to do once inside.

If any part of Simon thought that the boy might be a one-night stand, he would walk there anyway, interrupt them, profess his love to Bram, and hope that it would be enough to get his lover back. If Simon thought that this was a rebound or a boy he was seeing, Simon would still go over there and win over the ‘love of his life’, as Ted labeled him.

But this is more than that. This isn’t just a random boy. Simon just recognized him. He has met him before. Just once, but he will remember it forever. He met him when he went to Pride for the first time and the boy apologized to him for kissing his boyfriend.

In this moment, Simon recalls so vividly Bram being incapable of lying when Simon asked him if he had feelings for Andrew…

 

Simon ends up walking aimlessly, trying not to replay over and over what he just saw. Trying to stop the feeling. that overtook him. He isn’t allowed to be mad at Bram. Breaking up was his decision. He knew this could happen. He knew this would happen. But it hurts so much.

Why did he listen to Ted? The pain probably wouldn’t be that bad if he hadn’t been foolish enough to start hoping again.

At some point, Simon realizes what he’s wearing. A souvenir from Bram and Andrew’s first kiss. Simon takes the hoodie off and abandons it in the nearest bin. Five blocks later, he realizes that he could have given it to someone in need.

 

Simon isn’t quite sure how this happened. He got the text from Ted and replied that they shouldn’t worry about him and that he would be back in the morning. His plan was to entertain himself somehow until then. In the city that never sleeps, that should have been easy. Simon just didn’t want to have to face his thoughts with time to think. He didn’t want to have the opportunity to replay the kiss in his head even more actively than he was already.

He was a gay bar and he entered it. As soon as he walked in, all the pain, anger and frustration pushed him to make a decision. He needed to move on too. He had to find a way to fill the gap that was growing in his chest. He could feel some people looking at him with interest. Was it really that easy to pick up someone? Simon was about to find out. Him. The cute one with the scarf. Yes, this one would do.

 

There hasn’t been full-on sex. The other guy was nice enough not to push for it. It could have been a nice interaction, Simon thinks, if he didn’t walk into it with his mindset and baggage. Whatever didn’t happen, some things did definitely happen, and Simon can now say that he had a one-night stand with a stranger. And this is definitely a walk of shame.

At least he was smart about it. Every Time Including Oral. No full-on sex, but definitely oral. Somehow, he doesn’t think that Bram’s mother would be proud of him…

Simon almost wants to cry. He wanted this, he is the one who came after the other guy, and he had several opportunities to stop things and walk away. But he can’t forget why this happened. What sort of person is he that _this_ was his answer to it?

He also hates that as Bram was making love to his boyfriend, the best Simon could do was have meaningless (half)sex with a stranger.

As he is making his way to Ted’s uncle’s, something much darker and violent seizes Simon. As if his heart was trying to protect itself, it replaced all the love Simon used to feel by something equally strong and powerful, however more destructive. Right now, Simon hates Bram. Bram who moved on with a real boyfriend. Bram who chose someone he knew before Simon, englobing their entire relationship. Bram, who pushed Simon into a one-night stand.

Simon refuses to think about it logically now. He refuses to face the fact that Bram has nothing to do with Simon trying to smother his pain in the arms of a stranger. He simply doesn’t have the strength to hate himself too.

 

 


	59. The first time they tried to move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than usual, but it sort of had to in order to work.  
> Though I don't think you will particularly enjoy it...

**Bram**

 

Three months. It’s been exactly three months since Simon broke up with Bram. Bram used to wake up every morning with a hole in his stomach, the urge to scream, and the desire to call Simon, begging him to take him back. He didn’t, though. He respected Simon’s need to move on with his life.

Those feelings are gone. Or at least, they are tamed. The sadness only really hits him when he sees something that makes him think about Simon, or Jacques, or when he thinks about something that would make him laugh, or that he could text him. Sometimes, when his name shows up in their friends' feed as well.

But even that is getting scarcer.

Maybe time does heal everything after all.

Or, more likely, Bram had been much better at avoiding all of that. Instead, he has thrown himself into work. Sometimes, he feels like he is becoming an Eddy. Nothing to do with the awful tragedy, it’s more that he is cutting himself from friends and distractions and sometimes makes unreasonable requests for Oliver to change the way he is living his life.

He had two more panic attacks since Simon left him. The first one when he came back to school in January. Bram blames school but deep down, he knows that it was when he realized that he and Simon were really done. It was so violent that Bram thought he might die. The previous one looked like a joke in comparison.

The second one was a few weeks ago. It wasn’t that bad, but as it happened, Bram grabbed his phone and almost called Simon. It wasn’t a reflex, he knew what he was doing. He had this certainty, inside, that hearing Simon’s voice, even on his answering machine, would help him get through this. But he got afraid that Simon would think that he was manipulating him into getting back together. So he didn’t.

Bram and Simon didn’t fight, they haven’t done anything horrible to each other, they simply… couldn’t be. Not like this. Bram tries not to regret not having asked Simon to come to NYU when he had the chance. It’s too late now. Regrets won’t get him anywhere. Instead, he has to face the void in his life. He knows that he will be able to resume a friendship with Simon. There is no hatred between them. They just need time, for the pain to go away. But after that… can they really be friends? They were never really that. Bram is hoping that Simon will come back to his life, but maybe that won’t happen. Maybe he has to learn how to live in a Simon-less world.

After three months, Bram is starting to envision that future. Whether they get back together, become friends, or never see each other again, Bram will have to be fine with that.

 

Bram gets out of the library and takes a moment to enjoy the sun on his face. It is mild and, after a winter that wouldn’t go away, it feels nice. Spring is here, buds are starting to come out, coats are less needed, and everything has an aura of new beginning. Bram feels like this is time to move away from the sadness, turn a page and start a new chapter.

Bram is brought back to reality by a text from Tim.

_Hey stranger._

_Jake has a friend who just transferred from Yale. He doesn’t know anyone in the city, so we’re all meeting for a drink tonight._

_You in?_

_Sure. Usual place?_

‘Jake’. Which means that this isn’t the study group, this is the LGBT group. Bram has turned down their last six invitations. Mostly because he knew that Jake and Sam both asked Tim if Bram was ‘available now’, and Bram really didn’t feel like being hit on. Not that he wants it now, but he feels like he would manage to politely decline any unwelcomed attention.

He is ready to socialize again. New chapter right.

 

Bram almost forgot how much he loves this place. The sits aren’t simple chairs but beautiful armchairs and the walls are decorated with book covers about or by members of the community. He discovered some great reads in here.

Jake and his friends aren’t there yet, but some other people from the group are. Bram joins them and no one comments on his extended absence. Bram knows that they still somewhat pity him – with more or less benevolence.

Jake and his friend arrive when Bram is getting a drink from the bar. He comes back to the table and Bram nearly drops his drink when he sees who the friend from Yale is.

“Andrew?”

It’s like surprise is the only emotion that Bram can feel. Andrew, however, smiles the moment he sees Bram, as if it were natural to meet here, in these circumstances – or at least as if surprised wasn’t the most important thing to focus on right now.

“Bram Greenfeld. Please tell me that Garrett is somewhere around!”

“You two know each other?” Jake asks, confused.

“Oh, yeah! Bram used to kick my ass at soccer camp.”

“I remember getting some ass-kicking back,” Bram replies, sitting down next to Andrew. It’s so crazy for him to be here! They need to catch up! Bram feels Jake’s gaze on them. He doesn’t know if Jake is unhappy about Andrew focusing his interest on Bram, or the other way around, but he looks like he is regretting bringing Andrew here.

Bram decides not to care. He never particularly liked Jake, and it’s not like he is stealing his boyfriend.

“So… What is the great Bram Greenfeld doing now? Wait, let me guess. Given the location, I’d say… Columbia?”

“Yeah. And I heard you were at Yale. Impressive.”

“Yeah, because getting into Columbia isn’t,” Andrew answers, sarcastically.

“I’ve heard you made it there too,” Bram says.

“It’s temporary.”

“How so?”

Andrew waves his hand, as if to say that it doesn’t matter right now. “It’s boring. Tell me about you. Are you still playing soccer?”

“No. Well… sometimes, with Garrett, in the park. I joined a multi-sports team.”

“How does that work?”

“We change sport every term.”

“That sounds fun!”

“It is. It was. I don’t know, we used to do team sports and this term, they picked gymnastics. I don’t think it’s for me.”

“I didn’t think you were one to walk away from a challenge,” Andrew comments.

“Have you ever done gymnastics?”

“No. But I totally would?”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Fine. Saturday morning. I’m taking you with me.” Bram extends his hand, fairly sure that Andrew will say no – he probably has a million other things to do.

“Sure, Greenfeld!” he says, shaking the hand. “I’m so ready to kick your ass on the beam!”

“Men don’t compete on the beam.”

“I know, but surely for a ‘multi-sport’ team, we would be allowed to use a women’s apparatus. I’m guessing it’s more about having fun than following competition rules, right?” Bram loves everything about this sentence. The fact that Andrew would know the word ‘apparatus’, how happy he looks about just having fun with a sport he never practiced before, how he wants to try something regardless of who it is _supposed to be for_.

Bram looks at Andrew and something pulls in his stomach. After years in a relationship, it is so odd to feel that thrill again. But after months of pain, it is so good to feel something that is nothing but good.

They exchange numbers and Bram realizes that he is completely ignoring his other friends. Oddly, he doesn’t care. Andrew doesn’t seem to care either. Bram glances around quickly. Jake still seems a bit annoyed, Tim is shooting Bram a knowing look, but the rest of the group doesn’t really seem to notice.

Bram and Andrew spend the rest of the evening reminiscing about soccer camp, giving each other news about the people they are still in touch with, exchanging college stories… It is nice.

Simon doesn’t pop into Bram’s head once.

 

When Bram arrives at the gym, Andrew is already there, talking to Mary. “Excuse me, who are you?” she asks Bram when he reaches them.

“Yeah, yeah. I haven’t been here in a while. I’m sorry.”

“This guy showed up out of nowhere, told me that he’s a friend of yours and that you were going to come. I truly thought he was messing with me. So, Andrew, where have you been all this time?”

“Yale. I’m just here for this semester.”

“Oh. Well, please, do come back next week, and drag Mr. Grumpy with you!”

Mary – who actually has done gymnastics in high school – is called by someone who needs help with the parallel bars and she leaves Bram and Andrew alone to warm up.

“Why is everyone commenting on you being moody? I remember a shy but very pleasant Bram.”

“I’ve just… been through a lot lately. Don’t worry about it, they’re just being dramatic about it. So… fair warning, I only came to two sessions this term, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“And never even stepped into a real gym. So you have a pretty good head start… Okay, are you ready for this?”

“Only for you,” Bram replies mechanically before realizing that this is not a catchphrase he shares with Andrew. The other boy doesn’t notice and smiles, rolling his eyes at Bram.

 

This ends up being the most fun Bram has had in a very long time. They turn everything into a competition, but it never gets nasty. They are actually encouraging and guiding each other the entire time. It turns out that Bram has more upper body strength – which happens to be useful for nearly all the activities, but Andrew has more balance and coordination. Although, objectively, they both suck at pretty much everything. Bram never fell that much in his entire life.

This session changes Bram’s mind on gymnastics. It is not the type of sports he is used to, and he will be happy to go back to a team sport, but this is fun too. Besides, isn’t that what college should be about? Trying out new things?

 

When they leave the gym, Bram finds himself trying to find a way to ask Andrew to see each other again. He could invite him to come again next week, but he doesn’t really want to wait another week. He just doesn’t want to sound too forward. Contrary to what his friends seem to think with their knowing looks and annoying smiles, he isn’t looking to start anything with Andrew. He just… he doesn’t actually what he wants. He just knows that when he is with Andrew, he is having fun, he isn’t sad anymore, and he feels… he isn’t quite sure how he feels. But it’s something he wants to keep feeling.

“Hey, do you want to grab lunch?” Andrew asks, solving the problem for Bram. “If you have time, of course.”

“I have time. I could eat.”

“There is this place that I discovered last week that I am kind of obsessed with. Although… I’m not sure they have kosher options.”

“It’s alright. I don’t eat pork, but I don’t eat kosher either. I can’t believe you remember that.”

Andrew shrugs. “Some people just stick with you, I guess.”

Bram could feel flattered, but he doesn’t. Instead, he feels understood. It wasn’t said as a compliment or in a flirty way. It was said as a plain truth. He is exactly on the same page. He recalls every conversation he had with Andrew too. Some people really do stick with you.

 

“Are you finally going to tell me what you’re doing in New York?” Bram asks as he and Andrew are walking toward the restaurant.

“I wanted to see you.” Bram freezes and Andrew laughs. As always, his nose does that ridiculously cute thing. “I’m joking. I’m here because I auditioned to play in a philharmonic orchestra this summer and I got in. It is a very prestigious opportunity, but I have to rehearse all through this term. I couldn’t do that from Yale, but Ivy Leagues have partnerships for these types of opportunities, apparently. Anyway. Long story short, I transferred for the term.”

“You play an instrument?”

“Three. Violin, cello, and piano. But the violin is my main one, the others are just… hobbies, I guess.”

“How did I not know that?”

“Because we spent two weeks together over two years ago. I’m sure there are a lot of things we don’t know about each other.”

“Touché. So… Ivy League, soccer, violin… Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Get the guy.” Andrew is looking at Bram quite intensely and Bram blushes. Bram can’t tell if Andrew was joking or if there is something serious behind his words. Could Andrew still be into him after all this time? Because Bram’s crush is definitely still there, somewhere. “More seriously, my mom is the typical Asian Mom cliché. She is an overachiever and she is pushing me to do the same. Violin, sports, medical school, good marriage. I think me being gay, although she was supportive, tarnished her dreams for me a bit. So she pushed harder on the rest. I made it to an Ivy League, I joined varsity… But then I hurt my knee and although it’s still fine to do sports, it’s not healthy enough to do it at an athlete level. Which I am fine with. But that hurt her dream a bit more. When this opportunity came along… I just had to take it.”

“Medical school? Are you planning to be a doctor?”

“I don’t think so. In all honesty, I have been pushed down that part my whole life and I never questioned it before. But now that I can less and less be the perfect son that everyone expected me to be, I am starting to question things a bit more.”

“Well… surely that won’t be as hard as coming out.”

Andrew laughs. “I don’t know. However sad that sounds, I think my stress level telling my mom that I _might_ not want to be a doctor will stress me out exactly as telling her that I am _definitely_ gay.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.”

“Me too. I know that she will love me no matter what. But I also know she’ll be disappointed.”

“I have a dad that’s like that. I mean… he doesn’t push as much as your mom seems to do, but… he is constantly disappointed by something or other. Sometimes, I don’t even understand why.”

“For instance?”

“When I moved to college, he was disappointed that I didn’t break up with my boyfriend but went for the long-distance thing. He pretty much told me that it was a time for me to explore my options and my sexuality.”

“Oh. Wow. I mean… it’s a valid point, I guess, but… I never heard about a parent encouraging their child to pursue it.”

“When I was sixteen, he got me the biography of Casanova for Hanukkah. My dad is… quite something. On the other hand, he is really traditional and conservative, and thinks that my SAT scores were too low because I wasn’t focused enough on school.”

“How low can your scores have been? You made it to Columbia!”

“I think that anything below perfection is disappointing to him.”

“I think their plan could so easily backfire, though,” Andrew says, soft voice, eyes lost in the distance.

“What do you mean?”

“There were some times when I thought I wouldn’t be able to be everything my mom wanted me to be and a couple of times, I thought about dropping everything. If I were going to disappoint her anyway… It’s puerile, I know.”

“Actually… I know what you mean.” Bram remembers spitefully thinking that if his best wasn’t good enough for his dad, why should he keep trying? He even considered doing things just to annoy him. It is probably his mother that kept him on the right path. Andrew seems relieved that Bram gets it.

They stay silent for a few steps, enjoying this moment of perfect understanding.

“So… you and Simon went long-distance, huh? That’s very impressive.”

“Not really. It didn’t work.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Then again, you got to experiment like you dad wanted,” Andrew adds to try to lighten the mood.

“No, I… the break-up is a quite recent development.”

“Aah. Hence the moody comments. How long had you been together?”

“Three years. Give or take a couple of weeks. Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, sorry. Let’s talk about you on those still rings…”

“You really enjoyed watching me struggle, didn’t you?”

“I enjoyed watching _something_.” Again, Bram is incapable of telling if Andrew is being serious.

 

For two weeks, Bram and Andrew keep finding reasons to see each other. Day after day, when Bram is alone, thoughts of Simon are slowly replaced by thoughts of Andrew.

There are some flirty comments happening more and more often. Not just from Andrew.

They haven’t acted on it yet. As if they were both waiting for all (or at least most of) the Simon thoughts to be replaced by Andrew thoughts before doing anything.

 

One afternoon, they are getting coffee after a study session in the library like the two nerds they are when Bram receives a text. The content of said message really confuses Bram and it probably shows on his face, because Andrew asks: “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah… it’s Garrett. Apparently, some of the physics students at NYU have built a wooden rollercoaster on campus and he wants to know if I would want to go try it with him.”

“See… that’s why I always loved Garrett. There is _no way_ to predict what he’s going to say. But that sounds fun. You should go!”

“Do you want to come with us?”

Andrew hesitates for a second. They both know what this means. Whatever is happening between them becomes a bit more real if Garrett is involved in this. Which is why Bram hasn’t invited Andrew to hang with them yet, and why Andrew hasn’t asked about Garrett since that night in the bar. “I’d love to!”

 

Garrett looks surprised for less than a second before greeting Andrew like he was expecting him. Which he wasn’t, Bram didn’t know how to explain this.

The rollercoaster looks somewhat unsafe. Garrett and Andrew argue that it’s half the fun. To be fair, it is and it’s also the reason why this relatively underwhelming ride becomes exciting.

“So…” Garrett starts as Andrew is taking place in the box. “Andrew…”

“Yeah. He is in New York for the rest of the school year.”

“I see… Are you two a thing now?”

“No. Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“That sounds like a Bram yes,” Garrett comments.

“I think we’re going there. We’re just… taking our time to get there. Look, Garrett, I know how you feel about Andrew, but…”

“What do you mean? I love Andrew. He’s great. I didn’t like the fact that the two of you were being all lovey-dovey when you were still with Spier, but now that Simon… Now is different. I think he’s great, I think he is a good fit for you, and I also think that he is partly the reason why you’re smiling again.”

“So he has the best friend approval stamp?”

“Any guy you choose would get the stamp. I trust you to make smart choices.”

“Is that a comment on the fact that I didn’t like your last two girlfriends?”

“No. You were right. It’s a comment on the fact that you’re clearly the smartest one when it comes to choosing a partner.”

Bram isn’t entirely comfortable with labeling Andrew with the term ‘partner’, but he is extremely relieved that Garrett approves of Bram moving on with Andrew. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like he would have to defend his burgeoning relationship. Suddenly, Andrew seems to be a much more tangible prospect. Instead of the crush, Bram sees the boyfriend in him. He very much enjoys that image.

 

“The violin, huh?” Garrett tells Andrew as they leave the campus to go get food. “Could I come and see one of your recitals this summer?”

“Sure. But when it’s a full orchestra it’s a concert, or a performance, not a recital.”

“Oh my God, Bram! It’s you but Asian.”

“Let’s all ignore the racism in that sentence,” Bram comments.

No one gets upset, though. It’s Garrett and there isn’t a trace of racism or intolerance in the boy.

“But you don’t have to wait until summer. If you want a recital, I could always play something for you someday.”

“Do you have a go-to song to play to people?”

“It depends. Some people just want to hear something they know, and then I just play a bit of the four seasons by Vivaldi or Pachelbel’s Canon. Some people want to see if you have ‘skills’ although their musical knowledge is limited, so I play the Flight of the Bumblebee. When I see someone who really knows music and I want to flex a bit, I play some Paganini.”

“I’m not going to lie, I understood about half of that,” Garrett confesses. “But I can’t wait to be educated!”

 

It was a fun day. Bram enjoyed having his best friend and his love interest getting on so well and for the dynamics between the three of them to be so natural already. Bram is walking Andrew to his place (it is pretty much on the way to his dorm) when he realizes that they spent the entire day together and that he still dreads the moment they will have to say goodbye. As if it hasn’t been enough.

They stop in front of Andrew’s door and the conversation stops immediately and they stare for a long time. Andrew just stands there with his ridiculously – _ridiculously_ – charming lopsided smile. It awakens something in Bram. A warm feeling in his heart and a squeeze in his stomach.

Bram leans in, terrified that he read the last few weeks wrong, and puts his lips on Andrew’s. the other boy’s hands fall on Bram’s sides immediately and he steps even closer. Bram can feel the relief radiate through his body.

This is different from what Bram is used too – not that he is letting himself go there right now – but it isn’t less good. Actually, after everything, this kiss is simply perfection.

“Thank God,” Bram says when they break the kiss. “ I thought I might be pushing my luck.”

“Pushing your luck? I don’t know how I could have been more obvious.”

“I don’t know… by making a move?”

“Oh, no,” Andrew replies. “I massively overstepped last time and I completely ruined our first kiss. I didn’t want to do anything you weren’t comfortable doing, or getting there too soon, and… I didn’t want you to regret our first real kiss.”

“You seem to have put a lot of thoughts into this.”

“Yeah, well… some people stick with you… I just thought that… I don’t know. Third time is a charm? We are both out and talking to each other, none of us is in a relationship… It felt like maybe it was our time.”

“It definitely is!”

Andrew’s smile completely melts Bram’s heart. “Would you like to come inside?” Andrew asks.

Bram knows what this means. He doesn’t know if he’s there yet – although he _really wants_ to see what’s underneath these clothes. “I think I’d like to take this slow. If it’s alright.”

“You know… I am not a heathen. I can behave. You can come up and we can still take this slow. I want that too. Make it right.”

It is so obvious on Andrew’s face that it would be perfectly fine for Bram to say no. Which is why he says yes.

 

Bram wakes up lying next to Andrew. They are still closed (mostly) and they didn’t have sex. Yesterday evening was sweet and loving making out. Bram felt like his current self and his teenage self were both getting something they wanted.

Bram looks at Andrew. He is even more beautiful when he is asleep. Or he is even more beautiful now because Bram is happy.

Bram slides closer and Andrew’s arms wrap around him and Andrew lands a soft kiss on his forehead. This feels warm, soft and safe. Bram falls asleep again.

 

“Hey, Bram… Do you have plans for Friday?” Andrew asks as they are eating breakfast.

“Not really. Tim messaged me about a night out with the people from the group. I’m guessing Jake is going. Do you want to go?”

“Absolutely not. Jake pretty much told me to stay away from because he saw you first. I had no words to tell him that this is not how it works, and that if it did, he still wouldn’t have dibs.”

“Thank you for not taking this as an opportunity to rub it in his face,” Bram says. “Then I am free on Friday.”

“Would you let me take you out?”

“On a date?”

“To be honest, I would have asked you to come with me even without yesterday. But yes, I would love to turn this into a date.”

“I’m intrigued. Where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere I think you’ve never been and I hope you’ll like.”

 

Bram is very happy that Andrew kept it a surprise. It simply made the night even more magical. Andrew took Bram to his first-ever ballet. Swan Lake, as it is one of the most accessible for novices. Everything was beautiful. The music, the sets, the costumes, the dancers… Bram was captivated the entire time. He knew it was something he could only feel whilst experiencing this live.

“It was beautiful,” Bram says as they are turning at the corner of his building.

“You have no idea how much it means to me that you liked it. I mean… it’s an important part of my life and I am excited to be able to share it with my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Bram repeats.

“Hum… yeah. I thought this was what the last week was all about.”

“It was. It is. It’s just nice to have it verbalized.”

Andrew smiles and pushes Bram against the wall. Bram’s lips meet Andrew’s before his back touches the wall. And this kiss is _HOT_! Bram isn’t sure if their ‘take it slow’ decision will last the night…

 

Only it does, because Oliver is home and he completely ruins the mood.

Not a big deal, there will be other opportunities.

 

Not immediately though, because the break is here, and Bram is going home for the week. As he is packing, he decides to take back some things that he couldn’t bear to throw away after the break-up but that he doesn’t want to keep in his dorm anymore. It feels fit to have it back home, where things from the past are stored.

As he is putting the few copies of the first Harry Potter in different languages that Simon got him, a picture falls from one of them. It’s the naked picture Simon got Bram for his birthday. For a second, he considers putting it back in the book, but it would be wrong. Right now, it’s a picture of his ex-boyfriend. But how long until he becomes the weird guy with a naked picture of a teenager he used to know?

He can’t just throw it away either, so Bram burns the picture. It is somewhat cathartic to watch Simon burn. Simon who broke his heart so easily. Simon who walked out on them without giving Bram the chance to make him happy again. Simon who…

No. Bram needs to stop thinking about Simon. He’ll get his closure eventually. They are bound to meet again at some point. Maybe even this week. In the meantime, there is no point in torturing himself. If he must think about a handsome, cute, sexy boy, it should be Andrew.

 

Andrew and Bram text a lot during that week. Which really helps. Simon didn’t come home for Spring Break, but it still feels like he is everywhere in this city they lived in together. He can also feel his mother wanting to ask him every day about what happened but doesn’t dare and Bram doesn’t have the strength to start this conversation, not even with his mother.

One day, Bram glances a picture on Garrett’s phone of Simon and another guy. Not in a friendly posture. Bram shouldn’t be upset about Simon moving on – he is doing the exact same thing – but it still burns.

Andrew’s texts are distracting Bram from that. They are giving him hope for the future. They are making him look forward to going back to school. And – given the nature of some text – they are making Bram want to stop that ‘taking it slow’ nonsense.

 

Bram has been in New York for two hours when Andrew shows up at his dorm. Fifteen minutes later, they are both in his bed, almost naked, about to get nasty.

Bram wants this. His body is literally aching for it. Andrew is doing all the right things. And yet…at some point, Andrew whispers something. It might have been ‘baby’, but Bram completely heard ‘babe’. That throws Bram off completely. He tries to silence it, hoping that the moment will completely take over.

Andrew seems to sense that something is off, though, because he stops what he is doing. “Bram, are you alright? I don’t feel like you’re completely with me.”

“Andrew, I’m sorry. I don’t think I can.”

“Is it about Simon?”

“Andrew, I…”

Andrew threads his fingers with Bram’s. “Hey. It’s fine. You just spent a week in a place where you two shared a lot of memories. If you need a bit of time to shake this off, I get it. But you have a choice to make, Bram. Only you can know if you can leave Simon in the past or if it’s too soon. You and I can either be two boys who just can’t get the timing to work, and that’s fine. We had a nice few weeks and even if it’s all we ever have, it was still a nice relationship that I will cherish in my memory. But we can also be much more. You and I, we just click. We always did. Since that first year at soccer camp when none of us was out and we couldn’t even talk to each other properly. I know we can be happy. We’re so close to falling in love, I can feel it. I know you feel it too. But I can’t decide what we become. That is on you and on whether you can get over Simon or not. I just can’t fall any deeper if I’m just going to be your rebound.”

“I hate that I’m feeling like this,” Bram replies. “You are so perfect. You and I… it should be so easy.”

“Things are rarely what they should be. Bram… I have a choice to make too. Yale or Columbia. The New York philharmonic pretty much told me that I could continue their program next year if I want to. It is a great opportunity. But I also don’t think that I want to pursue music at a professional level, and without that, I think I would prefer Yale to Columbia.”

“It sounds like a tough choice.”

“It is. I know something that could make things much easier, though.” Bram looks at Andrew’s dark eyes. He is here, he is willing to stay, he has been perfect so far. He is right. They do click together. They have so much in common. They are so close to falling in love.

“I can’t make that decision for you. I can’t ask you to stay.”

“And I am not asking you to. I’m just saying… please let me know what you want for us as soon as you can. I can be in New York and not be your boyfriend. I can be at Yale and still be your boyfriend. But if we are boyfriends, I hope we’ll be able to talk about our options before I make up my mind. If you and I become a thing, I would like for us to take this decision as a couple. Because I trust that I will still be able to do what’s best for me, that you will be able to support me in my decision, but that we will also be able to choose what’s best for us in the middle of all of this.”

Bram needs to decide. Can he leave Simon in the past, let go of what kept him from taking things to the next step with Andrew, and give them the real chance that they deserve? Bram saw the picture, that passionate kiss between Simon and a guy Bram doesn’t know and already hates that ended up on Garrett’s stream. It’s not like Simon is coming back to him anyway. The question is not which boy he will choose, the question is: can he let go of Simon now?

Looking at Andrew’s perfect face, and the patience and care in his eyes, Bram can feel his heart squeeze. He knows exactly what he wants.

It should have been a hard decision, but it really wasn’t. not when your heart starts speaking louder than your head.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... although let's be fair. Without context, this chapter would have been very cute and a great one-shot of two boys falling in love... I'm sure you would be thinking 'surely he will choose Andrew and not that Simon guy that dumped him'.


	60. The first time they had a one night stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know Simon has already been naughty. But the title works if you add 'with each other'...

**Simon**

 

Alice is not coming home this summer. She found a job that she needed to start right after graduating. Nora just graduated from high school and has been treated to three weeks in the Caribbean by her godmother – yes, some of the Spier children are luckier than the others… Simon didn’t graduate in anything but a broken heart and has no plan for the summer.

Thank God Leah and Nick are here because otherwise, Simon wouldn’t have anything to do other than spiral. He overheard a conversation between his parents when they thought he was upstairs. They were looking for things like furniture or cutlery to give to ‘Gabrielle’ (Simon still can’t call her that). Simon didn’t get the whole thing, but he got the main point: Bram is moving in with Andrew.

That hurt so much more than seeing the kiss. It feels like… Simon cannot even find the words. He couldn’t even tell if this is a sharp or a muted pain. He also doesn’t know what hurts most: that Bram moved on, that he is so sure about it that they will be moving together after a few months, or that moving in with Andrew clearly tells that Bram is taken, for the long haul.

He is not coming back to Simon.

 

Then Simon gets a message from Garrett. ‘ _Hey, Si. It’s not my Golden Birthday, but I do have a birthday coming up. I’m having a party on Saturday. Mostly people from school who are back to Georgia for the summer and a couple of other friends. I would love for you to come. Bram will be there too, but I checked with him and he’s cool with it. You don’t have to let me know, you can decide last minute. And if you decide not to come because of B, maybe you and I could do something later that week? Maybe with Nick and Leah? Or just the two of us. Your thing with Bram doesn’t have to be your thing with me. G._

 

Which is why Simon is currently lying on the floor in Nick’s basement. Nick and Leah are with him, lying too. The top of their heads are barely touching, but their bodies are spread in different directions. They are all slightly drunk and, in an effort to take Simon’s mind off the party, Nick started asking the questions he mentioned when he visited Simon the last time he saw him, and they are also asking Leah all the questions they have about girls.

They started off pretty standard. How did you realize you were gay? What does it feel to have boobs? Do periods really hurt? Does anal sex hurt? How do you decide who tops? What is it like to pee standing up? What triggers a boner? …

Then they get a bit more awkward. Does an anus or a vagina feel better? What to period look like? How often is poo involved in anal sex? …

Then questions start getting personal and they all realize it’s getting weird and they stop.

“So… have you decided about the party?” Nick asks.

“Nick, are you an idiot? The point of all of this was to _not think_ about the party!”

“No, it was to clear Simon’s mind so he can make a decision. And I’m sorry, we have pretty much been talking about sex for the last hour, there is _no way_ he hasn’t thought about Bram at some point.”

“Well, now we’re sure he is! Si, ignore him. You’ve read Garrett’s text. You can decide last minute. Which means you don’t have to think about it for two more days!”

“I messed up guys… I just… I want him back so bad.” Simon presses his palms on his eyes and takes a deep breath to try not to start crying in front of his friends.

He feels Leah’s arms wrap around him and he hears Nick standing up. “Where are you going?” asks Leah.

“I feel like it’s an Oreo moment. I’m gonna scavenge the cupboards.”

“Hey, Si,” Leah says softly. “I don’t know how to tell you that, but…”

“I know he moved on.”

“I thought you stayed away from his social media.”

“I am. I just… I just know.”

“Okay. Well… you do know that you posted a picture with another guy first, right?”

“It’s not… Ted posted that picture with other pictures from that party and he took it off after less than a day, and… it wasn’t like that.”

“So you didn’t sleep with that guy?”

Simon can’t answer that. Not at loud. He did sleep with that guy. Much more than once. “Ted called him a fling but we were a thing for like three days when I was in Boston so he was more like a glorified hook-up. Please tell me that I didn’t ruin things for a glorified hook-up.”

“No. Of course, not. Bram isn’t petty enough to move on just because you did.”

“That’s almost worse, though. That means he genuinely moved on. And I know it’s my fault, Leah, and I know I was stupid and I hurt him and I deserve everything that’s happening, and I know that if he’s happy I should let him, but… I’m still allowed to want him back, right? If I don’t say anything to him and if I let him be happy… I’m allowed to feel like that, right?”

“Simon, you’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling. But you’re just hurting yourself. If you can’t move on, talk to him. Even if it’s to hear him say no. At least you’ll get more closure than just walking out on him after deciding that you weren’t a thing anymore.”

Simon whines. She’s right. Of course, she’s right. It doesn’t mean that it’s less painful to hear that all the pain he’s feeling comes from his own stupidity.

Simon knows he hurt Bram when they broke up. He just hopes with all his heart that it wasn’t _that_ painful for Bram. That Simon didn’t inflict this much sorrow to the best person he ever met.

If he could, he would go back six months back and beat himself up. Not metaphorically.

Simon feels like crying again. He doesn’t think the alcohol helps. Thank God Nick comes back with Oreos.

 

Simon knows he probably shouldn’t even be here. But Garrett is turning twenty, and he invited him. Besides, he and Bram probably should try being friends. He wasn’t just his high school boyfriend, he was also his best friend. Before and during their relationship. He knows things won’t ever be like they used to, but he’d like to get some of it back.

Plus, Garrett is right. The mess between Simon and Bram shouldn’t affect the relationship he has with Garrett. Sure, they are not the best friends in the world, but they are still friends.

Nick looks worried when Simon walks in, Leah looks proud, Garrett seems over the moon and pulls Simon in a tight hug. Bram is there too. More handsome than Simon remembers. It could be because he is happier than Simon remember. It could be because we always overvalue the things we can’t have. Simon doesn’t like either of these explanations. Bram gives him a quick hug and it’s awkward and forced, and it’s obvious they’re both so uncomfortable. Thankfully, Abby is there too and she pulls Simon aside so they can catch up. As if she just silently offered to be his support and his buffer tonight.

 

“Hey, Simon!” Simon just went to get another drink and ends up in the kitchen with Garrett. “Thanks for coming, man.”

“Thanks for inviting me!”

“Nah, I told you. You’re thing and our thing don’t have to be the same thing.” Garrett sounds a bit tipsy. Good for him. He should have fun. It’s his birthday party!

“Are you sure it’s not awkward for Bram, though?”

“Probably a bit. Have you talked to him?”

“No.”

“Maybe you should. It doesn’t sound like any of you is planning to be in the same room again all summer.”

“I don’t know if that would be right. You know, with Andrew…” Simon feels like he should stop before slipping and revealing to Garrett how much he wants Bram back. “Anyway, is he happy?”

“Look… I can’t talk to you about that. Bram’s my boy. But here is the thing. Andrew is perfect. Even _I_ would date Andrew. So if Bram ends up with him… you will have to find it in you to be happy for them. Bram would be happy for you, even if that didn’t make _him_ happy.”

“Yeah, no, of course! I’m super happy for him!”

“Yeah. Work on that line before you deliver it to him, okay?”

 

It takes Simon another hour and a few more drinks to find it in him to go talk to Bram. He walks to him as he is sitting alone on the couch. Their friends are nowhere to be seen, scattered around the house, talking to various other people. Simon almost uses that as an excuse to chicken out. Surely he should talk to Bram for the first time when someone else is with them. Try out the waters before… Too late. Bram made eye contact and is softly smiling at him.

“Hi,” Simon says softly.

“Hi,” Bram replies as gently.

“Can I sit here?”

“Sure!” Bram moves slightly so Simon can sit without any physical contact. “I like your new haircut.”

“Thanks. Believe it or not, but Amara cut my hair.”

Bram frowns. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah… it was a trust exercise where Ted was supposed to guide her and I ended up being the guinea pig. It turned out much better than I thought!”

“Wait… what if it didn’t?”

“It’s just hair. It grows back.”

“God, that roommate of yours… always dragging you in the weirdest stories. How are Ted and Amara?”

“Great. Actually, since you’re a dog person too, I need to tell you this story that happened with Amara’s dog…”

It’s so easy. Talking to Bram is much easier than Simon thought it would be. It’s as easy as emailing Blue, as easy as chatting on Bram’s bed, as easy as Skyping while writing an essay… Simon doesn’t know if it’s a great or a terrible discovery.

They talk for a long time on that couch. Of everything but what they should be talking about. Simon sometimes sees their friends entering the living room and turning around when they see the two of them talking.

“It annoys me too,” Bram says.

“What?”

“The way they tiptoe around us. Should we get out of here?”

“Sure, I have seen some people in the garden who are…”

“No,” Bram interrupts. “I mean leaving the party. I think we need to talk and it can’t be with our friends making things weird. I can walk you home.”

Simon feels nervous. This is it. This is the moment Bram will tell Simon that he is in a committed relationship with another boy and that they can therefore start being around each other without things being awkward and that he would _love_ to be friends again. Or, worse, that now that he moved on, they shouldn’t see each other again. Ever.

But he can’t avoid that talk forever. He finishes his drink in one go and nods before standing up.

Simon can feel Garrett and Leah watching them leave but doesn’t look. He doesn’t want to know what they are thinking.

As Simon puts his jacket back on – which was stupid to begin with as he doesn’t need a jacket in the summer in Georgia after surviving two Chicago winters – his t-shirt lifts ever so slightly, and Bram’s hand grabs the fabric instinctively to look at what it was hiding.

Simon's stomach clenches once when Bram touches his skin, and another time when he realizes what caught Bram’s eye. It’s that stupid massive love bite that just won’t go away…

“Someone is having fun,” Bram comments before letting the t-shirt go. Simon can’t read Bram’s face and he feels mortified before realizing that there probably are a few traces of Andrew on Bram’s body. Just like after seeing that kiss, Simon can’t help but be bitter when he thinks that Bram gets to make love to his boyfriend, forget all about Simon, but Simon just had a few one nigh-stands and a glorified hook-up, none of them able to properly take Bram away from his mind…

“Nothing serious,” Simon replies as they leave the house. He is tempted to mention Andrew here and now, or to let Bram come to that natural development, and be done with it, but he just can’t. “Let’s not talk about that.”

“Alright,” Bram agrees, and Simon still can’t read his face. Has he forgotten how, or is it a face he has not seen before?

“How is Oliver?” Simon asks, realizing that mentioning the roommate Bram is about to leave to move in with his boyfriend wasn’t the smartest move to divert the conversation from said boyfriend.

“Hum… well. I guess. I haven’t clicked much more with him since… Christmas.”

“Bram, about that…”

“But on another note, Tim and Miller are still together,” Bram interrupts Simon. He gets the message. It’s not time to mention the break-up yet. They have a few more minutes anyway.

“Still an open relationship?”

“Yes. No. I’m not sure. I know there are other people involved, but I’m not sure if they are seeing them separately or together.”

“Together, you mean… _really_?”

“Oh, so I’m not uptight for finding this weird?” Bram asks. “I mean… I know it’s the twenty-first century and we have to be sex-positive, and they can do whatever they want, I’m fine with it, I really am, but… It’s just not for me, I guess. Sharing the other one, finding someone different every time…” Simon tries not to hear it as a reproach.

He would love to reply that it isn’t him either, that in sixth months there have been some guys, but not that many, and… but Bram doesn’t need to hear that. He might not even care. Instead, he asks: “Seriously? They find someone up for a threesome _every time_?”

“Oh yeah. It’s crazy.”

“And I thought that tying you to a staircase was kinky…”

“Well… Nora made it a step kinkier…”

They both laugh and Simon has to physically repress the urge to kiss Bram right there and then.

 

They keep talking and they pass Simon’s house. They both notice but none comment. They haven’t had the talk yet. It’s fine. Simon will walk Bram home.

 

They get to Bram’s house and they still haven’t brushed the subject. They are both stuck in the moment, not knowing how to start the conversation or leaving without saying goodbye.

“We can talk another time,” Simon offers. “When we’re both a bit less drunk.” He isn’t that drunk and he knows that Bram is pretty much sober too. But maybe they should be fully sober.

“Or you could come in for a minute. Mom and Phil are away for the weekend, we’ll have some privacy.”

Fine. Let’s rip the band-aid. “Sure.”

Simon is not absolutely sure how it happened. He handed his jacket to Bram so he could hang it by the door, their fingers brushed and their eyes met. Next thing Simon knows, Bram’s lips are on his. Simon is pretty sure Bram initiated the kiss, but he also vaguely remembers pulling on the younger boy’s shirt. His mind is absolutely not focused on the timeline anymore.

Instead, he is focused on that deep, passionate, almost desperate kiss.

Finally. That’s what a kiss is supposed to feel like, not the watered-down version other boys have been able to give him.

Simon expects Bram to come to his senses and pull away, but he doesn’t. instead, he starts pulling Simon toward his bedroom. They enter Bram’s bedroom and all the memories hit Simon. It’s where they had sex for the first time. And so many times after. Simon wants to feel just like that again.

Still… he has to make sure that Bram won’t hate him for it later… “Hey, Bram… wait a second. Are you sure?”

Bram’s thumb brushes over Simon’s t-shirt, exactly where the love bite is, as if he remembered its exact location. “What? You can have fun but not with me?”

Fine. Simon gets it. ‘Nothing serious’. That’s how he referred to the mark before. It’s already better than Simon could have hoped though. Even if it’s confusing and even if he doesn’t know what Bram is doing. Is he cheating on his boyfriend? Do they have an open relationship? Is Simon some kind of free pass?

He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t care. Right now, a single thing matters: Bram is there, with him, and it feels amazing. Both physically and mentally. Tomorrow will hurt like a bitch, but now feels like heaven.

This is a bad idea. Probably the worst he ever had. But Simon can’t take his lips off Bram anymore. He doesn’t even want to.

Clothes start disappearing, they move to the bed, and everything seems so familiar…

Simon reaches for Bram’s nightstand drawer and opens it. He grabs the lube and a condom. He sits up straight and looks at Bram. Then he realizes that this might be it. This might be the last thing he ever gets from Bram. If they get through with this, if Simon turns Bram into a cheater, there won’t even be any chance of friendship between them. Not that Simon wants to be Bram’s friend. If this is it, if this is their end and closure, Simon wants to make the most of it. He wants to give himself entirely to Bram. He doesn’t care how long it’s been. All of the nervousness that he usually feels when they are reunited is entirely gone, solely replaced by how much he _needs_. So he opens the wrapper, but places the condom on Bram instead.

Bram opens wide eyes, but he lets Simon do it. Then he grabs the lube and Simon lets Bram move him until they are both kneeling, Bram behind him, working his magic fingers, kissing the nape of his neck in the most delightful way.

After all this time, it feels so good to have someone take care of him like that. After months of heartbreak, it feels so good to be with Bram. After the stress of exams, it feels so good to just let go.

“Are you ready?” Bram asks as Simon’s moaning is turning into whimpering.

“I want you,” Simon answers, and he is not sure he just means it sexually.

But Bram does something Simon wasn’t ready for. He flips him around. Now Simon is on his back, and he is facing Bram. Bram kisses him as he enters Simon, but the kiss quickly breaks, and Bram is looking at Simon.

Simon closes his eyes. He can’t look at Bram. He doesn’t know what would be worse: seeing lust and nothing more in his ex-boyfriend’s eyes, or seeing what he used to see in them and knowing that it’s just for one night and that it will all be gone in the morning.

He buries his face in Bram’s neck, and the smell of the other boy could make him cry. This all feels, smells and tastes too familiar. Then Bram starts whispering things, sweet things, and, force of habit, calls Simon ‘Love’. At this very moment, Simon wishes that they would have gone for any other nickname. Not one that would rip his heart open. Because this is sex. Nostalgia too, maybe. Not love. Regardless of how much Simon would like to.

The sex is hot, amazing, but also confusing and heart-breaking. Simon has to repress some love declarations and he has to stop himself begging Bram to take him back. He is also torn between the happiness of knowing he could have Bram one last time and the awful feeling that this won’t be as shiny in the morning. They should have talked first. Simon would just have liked to be able to enter this knowing where Bram and Andrew stood in all of this. Simon thought that tomorrow would hurt. He doesn’t have to wait that long.

It is the weirdest orgasm Simon ever got.

 

After the sex, they cuddled. Simon still couldn’t hold Bram’s gaze – which is pathetic knowing that it is one of the things that made Bram fall for him in the first place – so he turned his back on his and they spooned.

Even more than the sex, this is what confuses and tears Simon the most. He would do anything for this moment to last forever. But he knows he is on borrowed time. Worse, he is on stolen time.

When Bram’s breath go peaceful and quiet, Simon knows he can’t do this. He gets up quietly and carefully, gathers his clothes and leaves without waking Bram. It’s a bit of a shitty move, but it’s also the best move. They should avoid the awkwardness. The growing list of things they have to talk about can wait until they had time to properly process this…

After all, this is how things are done when it’s ‘nothing serious’, right? The guest isn’t expected to stay for breakfast. Let’s call it what it was: this was nothing but a one-night stand.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you remember when they used to be good at communication? Well, I promise, it's coming back soon. It probably won't be pretty, though...


	61. The first time Bram thought he couldn't forgive Simon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, this chapter is going to be even more sunshine and rainbows... 🌈☀

**Bram**

 

When Bram wakes up, Simon is gone. So that’s really what it was. A one-night stand. The idea hurts Bram so much he thinks he could throw up. Yesterday, he could feel it. Falling in love with Simon all over again. With every smile, every shared memory, every kiss… Simon did follow Bram home, he did respond to the kiss, he did let Bram call him the way they used to… That was misleading. Maybe he should have chosen another name for him when they were in school.

And the sex itself… Bram knows it is a vulnerable position for Simon. So when he let Bram be the top, he remembers that his heart started racing, and that had nothing to do with the sex. If Simon was willing to let him do that, if he was comfortable enough, clearly that meant they were getting back together. Or at least taking a step in that direction.

Well… clearly not.

But if Bram is honest with himself, he should have known. He let himself be carried away by his feelings and, well, the sex itself. Because he also sort of could tell that Simon wasn’t really in it. Not the way he used to. He enjoyed the sex, Bram made sure of that, and he would have stopped if he had any doubt, but… he also didn’t connect with Bram. He didn’t make eye contact unless he had to. He didn’t call Bram by any pet name, and especially not ‘Babe’.

Bram knows he shouldn’t, but his mind goes straight back to Simon’s love bite. Who did that to him? ‘Nothing serious’. Not a boyfriend, then. Just a hook-up. How many have there been? Which one of them managed to cure Simon from his nervousness when it comes to being the bottom? He hates that some random guy could do something that he never could. Bram can’t let himself go there. It just hurts too much to know that when he never was able to have sex with Andrew, no matter how badly he wanted to, Simon could just mindlessly jump from bed to bed…

So this is it. His first one-night stand. At least it was with Simon. Bram isn’t sure if that makes it better or worse. Also… is it casual sex if one of the two people involved is still madly in love with the other one?

 

Bram feels like a ghost all day. His mind keeps going back to the previous night. Sometimes, it makes him feel happy and warm, but most of the time, he feels uneasy, sad, angry, and even a bit guilty. All because of an empty bed.

If Simon had stayed, they could have talked things through. They could have connected beyond just memories, beyond just bodies. Bram is sure of that. But he fell asleep and Simon left. Simon was not interested. Simon had moved on.

Then again, hasn’t Bram too?

 

Bram’s mother sends a message to let him know that she and Phil are extending their trip. She doesn’t explain why, but Bram doesn’t mind. He could use a few more days to just feel sorry for himself and he gets some comfort in knowing that she is happy.

 

Two days after waking up alone in an empty bed, Bram is still brooding and dwelling on things when the doorbell rings. That is one hundred percent Garrett, fed up with Bram ignoring his texts.

It’s not though. It’s Simon, with a massive box. “Simon? What’s in the box?” Bram helps Simon carry the box inside.

“I’m not sure. It’s from my parents, for your new apartment.”

“Oh, they told you about that?”

“Not really. Nora was supposed to drop the box, but I guess that Garrett or Leah told her to be unavailable. Because they clearly decided to mind their own business… Anyway… you’re leaving the dorms?”

Bram is annoyed that his friends would ‘parent trap’ them, but to be honest, he and Simon need to talk. “Yeah. I’m not doing so well with dorm roommates, so I thought I would choose, this time. Plus, it makes sense. We sort of always were meant to live together at some point.” Simon looks a bit confused and Bram realizes that he probably doesn’t know the whole thing. “I’m taking a flat with Garrett.”

“Oh, you’re moving in with _Garrett_.” Bram isn’t quite sure why Simon emphasized Garrett’s name.

“Of course, with Garrett. Who else would I pick as my roommate?”

“Yeah, no… it makes sense. You’ll be much happier than with any roommate any of you got.”

“Well… we can’t all get a Ted.”

“True. But you’re getting a Garrett now. Close enough.”

This exchange squeezes Bram’s heart a bit. It feels so easy. It feels like it used to.

“Thanks for bringing the box. You didn’t have to. I could have picked it up. Do you… do you want something to drink?”

“Sure. Thanks.” Bram almost expected Simon to say no. They move to the kitchen and Simon asks: “So are you moving closer to NYU or Columbia?”

“Pretty much in the middle. I’m slightly closer, I would say.”

Being alone with Simon is more awkward today than it was last time, but it’s not entirely uncomfortable. It aches a bit, though. Simon is within reach, yet he isn’t. Bram knows he could get Simon again if he wanted to. He stayed. Just for a little while, though. Simon who is free and happy and sleeps with men. Simon who doesn’t stay until breakfast. “You disappeared that night,” Bram comments almost against his will.

Simon sighs and takes a few seconds before answering. He is still not looking at Bram. “Yeah, there were a couple of things I didn’t really want to deal with.”

“Like what?” Bram needs to hear this. He needs to get closure on them.

“I didn’t want to have this awkward moment in the morning when I would have to see in your eyes that you regretted it.” Bram did not really expect that one. Simon finally looks at him and he probably can see the surprise on Bram’s face because he adds: “I didn’t know what this was. We didn’t really talk about it before it happened and I didn’t want to talk about it after to realize that it’s not something you would have wanted if you were a bit more sober.”

“I didn’t regret it,” Bram offers gently, unsure about how he can tell Simon that he would relive that night forever if he could. “I still don’t.”

Simon nods but he doesn’t seem particularly happier. “That’s good. But I also thought it would be better to go before Andrew called you or… showed up or anything.”

If Bram could be reduced to a single feeling right now, it would be shock. “What?”

“If I stayed, I either would have had to leave awkwardly anyway, or I would have stayed for breakfast, and there was a good chance that you would have been in contact with your boyfriend. Even just a text, and… it just was too weird.”

Bram simply can’t wrap his head around that conversation. “Wait… who told you about Andrew?”

“Does it matter?” Yes, it does. Who would go and tell that to Simon? It’s mean and it’s none of their business. Simon answer anyway. “Nobody told me. The weekend before Spring Break. I missed you so much, I regretted breaking up with you more than ever and I stopped by your place. I don’t know what I wanted. Probably beg you to take me back.”

“But then why didn’t you…” Bram doesn’t finish his sentence. The realization dawns on him and it’s like being plunged in icy water. It was the night of the ballet, wasn’t it? Simon _saw_. Bram remembers that Andrew and he were in full handsy make-out session _before_ making it in the apartment. And Bram thinks for a minute that if the opposite situation had happened, if he had been the one to see Simon in the arms of another boy, he would have gone crazy. “Si…”

“It’s fine, I get it. I’m the one who broke up with you. I couldn’t expect you to never move on. And the two of you have history. It’s good in a way. I didn’t lose any time wondering if it was a one-time thing or not.”

“Simon, it’s really not like that…”

“Bram, you don’t owe me an explanation. If anything, I’m the bad guy in this story. I turned you into a cheater. I’m sorry. I know you probably despise yourself, me and the whole thing. I really hope I didn’t ruin your relationship.”

“Simon, stop. I’m not with Andrew.”

“You’re not?”

Bram sighs. He truly hoped that this time, he would have a chance to do the mature, grown-up thing and be the one to tell Simon the story. Show him that he learned his lesson and that he doesn’t keep things from Simon anymore. Most importantly, if he thought that Simon should _know_ , it also never crossed his mind that Simon would _see_.

Just like knowing Simon was with other people stings, but seeing it would have killed Bram.

“I was with Andrew. For a few weeks, when he was in New York. That night when you saw us… We had been seeing each other, we kissed a couple of times, but we were taking our time. That weekend, we sort of decided to give it a go. To be boyfriends and see if it would work. I thought that maybe, it was time to move on. As you said, you were the one who broke up with me, and… I didn’t think you would come back to me ever, and that I didn’t owe you anything anymore… but nothing happened that night. And later, when things started to get serious… I completely froze. I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m still in love with you.”

The two boys look at each other. There is this tension in the air that’s so dense it’s almost solid. Bram can feel the importance of the moment. He can feel that they are so close to getting back together, but that it isn’t a done deal yet. Nothing fundamentally changed since they broke up. Why would Simon change his mind?

“That’s the thing, Si… It’s you. It’s only you. And I’ll get over it, one day, eventually, but… Simon, I still love you. As much as when we broke up, if not more.” But Bram knows he’s being unfair on Simon. Loving each other has never been the issue. So he adds, “I’m sorry I didn’t make you happy,” as if he were telling Simon that he understands that this is it. They love each other, they are attracted to one another, they tried, but it wasn’t enough for Simon. “But if you were coming back to me… If that day you came back for us… does that mean you think we could be happy again?”

Bram can’t read the expression on Simon’s face. “But you did.”

“What?”

“You made me happy. Every day, Bram. Even when we were apart.”

“Then… Why did you break-up with me?”

“I’m not sure… I think… It _was_ hard, and you know that. And it just… you and me, it never made sense, did it? You are the hot Columbia student and I am the odd nerd that couldn’t even compromise school for you. If we added the long distance… I didn’t know how long we could last. There were Alice and Theo, Tim and Miller… even couples in the same city were not making it work. That terrified me. And I showed up and your friends told me that you weren’t doing so well and the only thing I could think of was your dad being right about me pulling you down… and then I had to face that I was already losing you anyway. You weren’t talking to me anymore. Not really. And I just couldn’t do that, Bram.”

Bram feels this odd sort of serenity fills his body. He recognizes it immediately. It is his defense mechanism to keep his anger from taking over. That’s when he realizes how mad he is at Simon right now. “Couldn’t do what?” he asks with a polite tone, as if he was asking a stranger for the time.

“Keep you in a relationship that wasn’t good for you. I wasn’t right for you anymore.”

“So… in other words… you decided what was best for me.”

Simon looks genuinely surprised. His obliviousness isn’t endearing anymore. It’s annoying and pathetic. Right now, it angers Bram even further. “Oh, come on. You can’t be stupid enough to think that I would be grateful to you for breaking my heart, right?”

“I thought it would be less painful to have a clean break than slowly die off.”

“Less painful? I nearly died, Simon. For months, I would have this sharp pain in my stomach wake me in the night, or this panic attacks that would keep coming back, and it was like _everything_ was reminding me of you.”

“I know. Bram, I… I told you. I was going to beg you to forgive me, but… you were with Andrew, and… I thought I lost that right.”

“Andrew has nothing to do with this. You lost that right when you _decided for me_. The moment you thought you knew better than me what was best for me, or what I truly wanted. The only reason why I let you go that night is because I thought _you_ weren’t happy. But here you are, telling me that you didn’t want it either and that you just put us both through hell for _months_ because… because what? I wasn’t smart enough to know what was good for me? What I wanted?”

“Bram, it wasn’t like that. Listen, I…”

“No,” Bram interrupts him. He finally understands why he’s so mad. It’s more than just deciding that Bram would be better off without Simon – which he truly wasn’t.

“No?”

“I can’t trust you, Simon.”

“What?”

“You always leave. Yes, it took me time to come to you when we were in high school, but after that, I never flickered. I was always by your side. Even when I had issues talking to you, I was there. I stayed. I always tried to find a way to talk to you, and I bitterly remember the one time I didn’t. Although, again, I was still there. With you. But you keep leaving again, and again. The first time we had a fight, you left the car before we could even pinpoint what we were fighting about. When we couldn’t have sex in the cabin, you completely shut me out and you ghosted me. After Pride, and I get that I deserved that one, you left again. When someone told you that college was hard for me, you immediately thought that you were a part of it and _you left again_. When we reconnected, you just assumed that I cheated on my boyfriend for a one-night stand, and you didn’t talk to me. You just left. _Again_. And now what? I’m supposed to trust you? To think that this time, everything is going to work out? Well here is the thing, Simon. I don’t trust you anymore. I just can’t.” Bram is almost crying now, but he won’t cry. Not while Simon is still there. “Someone told me that I needed to see you again to know. The other night felt just like that. Like _I knew_. Like you were the one. Today doesn’t feel like that anymore. Today, you feel toxic. You’re always in my head, keeping me from moving on, tying me to my past, but you can’t offer me a future either…”

“Bram…”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Bram hisses. “Whatever you have to say… I don’t want to hear it. Actually, I just want you to go.”

Simon leaves and Bram breaks down. He does what any lost boy would do in a time like this. He reaches for his phone and rings his mom. Moms are magic. Surely, they know how to fix broken hearts.

 

That same night, two things happen.

 

The first is that Adisa shows up, out of nowhere. It would be the plainest outfit Adisa ever put on if he weren’t wearing a velvet cape. And what a cape! “Hey! Hum… Phil isn’t here.”

“I know. Your mom called me. She said you were feeling a bit lost and she couldn’t be there for you. I brought food.”

Adisa’s Thai takeaway is nearly as good as just having him being there. Bram tells him the entire story. Actually, no, he just tells him about Simon screwing up, the little faith he had in himself and their relationship, and why it hurts so bad and make him that angry.

Adisa just listens to the entire thing and Bram almost expects him to ask for more details – like why did Bram just let it happen, why didn’t he reach out to Simon – or to pick a side. Instead, he says: “This is quite a feeling, huh?”

“What?”

“Having someone so deep under your skin.”

Bram can’t argue with that. If he is still torn after so many negative feelings, it’s because Simon is his, and he is Simon’s. He can’t shake that off.

“Will that ever fade away?”

“Everything fades away. Time is like water. It erodes even the greatest things. You and Drama Boy… you were definitely meant to be. You were the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And you did great. For a long time. Maybe you will get that back. Maybe you will get an adulterated version of it. Or maybe you had your time and it will have to be beautiful for what it was.”

“Is it weird that I desperately want to move on, but would do anything to have him back?”

“Yes. But love is weird. Always. Can you objectively tell me why you picked Drama Boy? You can’t. Because objectivity is not a part of it. If even the beginning is biased, what chance does the rest of any love story has to make sense to anyone but those who live it?”

“Is love always like that?”

“No. Your love with Drama Boy is a river. It can be quiet, but it can overflow and become destructive, like right now. Some other loves are stream who quietly and steadily make their way. That can be great too. Just because you don’t feel for someone else what you feel or felt for Drama Boy, doesn’t mean that’s not love… You need to decide if you are willing to stay in the river or if you need a smaller stream, even for a little while.”

“How do I know?”

“Didn’t you know when you couldn’t fuck your perfect boy?”

Bram remembers wanting Andrew so bad. Not just physically, but as a boyfriend too. He really was the perfect boy. On paper, the two of them made so much sense. Still, Bram couldn’t. becoming real with Andrew meant closing the door on Simon and he was so not ready for that. That was before the frightening realization that Simon could leave at any time, just because he is scared of letting himself be happy in case things might go wrong later… Were they really that bad at communicating then? It used to be their thing. And then, suddenly, Simon decided that it was better to leave than to talk... “Fine, but… how do I forgive and move forward?”

“You know, Drama Boy asked me a very similar question after I took the two of you to Pride, that year. I will tell you the same thing I told him then. Let me tell you about the scale.”

 

The second thing that happens that night, as Bram is lying in his bead, over the blankets, arms folded behind his head, looking at the ceiling, trying to sort the maelstrom of feelings in his head and heart. Bram would like to get an illumination, a sign that he can forgive Simon for putting him through hell for no reason, for treating him like he couldn’t decide what he wanted on his own, for the conviction that he can trust Simon moving forward.

That’s when Bram’s phone screen lights up.

It’s an email.

From Jacques.

 

 

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jul 3 at 10.22 PM

SUBJECT: I’m still in love with you too

 

B,

I have started this email again and again until having to face that I can’t make it perfect anyway. I can’t tell you anything I would like to tell you in an email. There will always be something more I would like to tell you…

I also debated if I should send this. You asked me to leave. I don’t know if that means that I should just let you be for a while.

I guess you still have the option to delete this email… or to save it for later. When you don’t hate me anymore.

I think I just need to say these things. Or, at least, I should email what I couldn’t say. Because we always had that, didn’t we? When the words wouldn’t come out of Bram and Simon, Jacques and Blue can still write them.

The things you said today shook me to my core. You forced me to see a reality that I couldn’t or wouldn’t see. Obviously, I knew I had been afraid, and I knew I overreacted. I even knew that, somewhere deep and dark, I made that decision for me more than you. To protect my heart from a future that might never even be. I never, however, realized my tendency to leave.

I am so sorry for that, Bram. I don’t want to be that person. Especially not for you. I wanted to be your rock, the one person you could always depend on. And I happened to be the guy that just bails. I understand how painful and unsettling that might have been, even when this was just a feeling at the back of your head.

I cannot promise you that we can be happy forever. We know now more than ever how unpredictable things can be. But I want to promise you two other things.

The first one is that I still love you. I never stopped. I tried to mute and bury it, but it never flickered. I want you in my life, but I don’t want to be your friend. I want you in my bed, but I don’t want to be your hook-up plan. I don’t want to take this slow. I want to go back to where we were. I want to be your boyfriend again. So much that it hurts when I look at you. Today, when you told me that you still loved me, I felt all the good things. Love, happiness, hope, relief… It probably didn’t show because I was so confused and I couldn’t process it properly. But this was everything, Bram. If you still love me, if I didn’t mess us up, I don’t think I will ever have to ask for anything else ever.

The second thing is that I won’t walk away again. Again: I am not promising forever. It would be empty words. But I can promise you that I won’t let myself be afraid of stupid things. I will be afraid for you, for us, but never again of you or us. And if someday I get too afraid, I will definitely run. But it will be to you and not away. I will hold on to you until I manage to get the words out. I know what it’s like to live without you. I am not foolish enough to put myself through that again. I also know what it’s like to know I caused you real pain. I could take it if I knew it was for the best. But this wasn’t, was it?

I will mess up again. You will mess up again. But if we ever become an ‘us’ again – soon or in decades – I know we will get through all those times together. As a team.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. But it will happen. And when that happens, I want to learn how to reach out to you and let you pull me back into the light.

I know how self-centered this all sounds. I want a million things for you too. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I want to always surprise you. I want to support you. I want to help you better yourself every day. I want to make you come. I want to discover new things with you. I want so much with you. For you. But I am the flawed one at the moment, and I just want you to understand that I am willing to work on that. I will. With or without you. I totally understand if you don’t want me back after what I put you through. Or if you don’t want me back before I get my shit sorted.

But I also can’t just let you go. Being in your arms, hearing you say that you love me… it brought everything back to the surface and it’s more raw and deep than ever.

I don’t even make sense anymore. This email is not what I intended. I don’t know how to get my feelings to come across. I want you to understand, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with it…

Anyway. I’m here. All summer.

I don’t want to be your friend. But I can be that.

Anything you want.

Anything you need.

Even if it’s nothing.

Love,

Simon.

 

 

Bram is on his third re-read when a new notification pops up.

 

 

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Jul 3 at 10.49 PM

SUBJECT: Re: I’m still in love with you too

 

B,

Here is what my messy previous email should have been like:

I still love you too, Bram. I am so terribly sorry for what I put us through. I understand if you can’t forgive me, or if you need more time. But if you ever want to give us another chance, I won’t run away. I won’t be scared for us because I understand how truly great we actually were. I know that we will lose our way sometimes, but I also know that Jacques and Blue will guide us back. They’ve done it so many times.

I want to get us back to a point where we could just lie down next to one another, not talking, not touching, not doing anything, and just be so fully happy just because the other one is there. I know you know which moments I mean.

Love,

Simon.

 

 

Bram takes in the words. He knows Simon. He knows Jacques. He can read the words that have not been written as well as the words that have been written.

There are four questions he needs to answer. Does he still love Simon? Can he forgive him? Does he trust that they will get out of this stronger and not damaged? Can he really answer the previous three on his own?

He cannot answer yes to all of them. Not with unwavering certainty.

There is this feeling that takes over Bram. This dark side of himself that always makes him uneasy but that Simon never was afraid of. He doesn’t understand why this part of him is the one waking up now, but he suddenly knows exactly what he wants to do. Even if it’s messed up.

Bram doesn’t email back. Jacques and Blue shouldn’t sort this. Now that they are fixing their weakened communication, Bram and Simon should take over.

 

_Si?_

_Can you come over tonight or tomorrow?_

_Yes, of course! Even if we can’t make a decision, I think we should talk._

_If you’re ready. If you want to._

_Actually, I don’t want to talk._

_I want to play a game._

 

 


	62. The first time they played 'Bram says'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit repetitive (you'll see). I hope it's not annoying to read.

**Simon**

 

“Tonight or Tomorrow.” There is no way Simon can wait until tomorrow. What would he do until then? Spiral about where things are going? Wonder if Bram Greenfeld is an ex-boyfriend or potentially more? Try to guess what that game Bram wants to play might be?

Simon puts his shoes back on and nearly runs downstairs. He leaves a note on the kitchen counter saying that he is ‘out with friends’. He doesn’t mention Bram. In case things don’t go the way he hopes, he wants to avoid the third degree he knows his mother is dying to give him. It’s almost like she is waiting for an opportunity to ask Simon about Bram, what happened, his feelings about all of it, and his current dating life.

Simon doesn’t want to talk about Bram because he doesn’t know himself where they stand or how he feels. He doesn’t want to talk about his current dating life because he sort of wishes it didn’t exist. Especially now that he knows that Bram never went all the way with Andrew. As if Bram was still so attached to Simon that he couldn’t share a bed with another person. And what did Simon do?

He doesn’t want to think about it now. He is simply going to add it to the long list of things he wishes Bram can find it in heart to forgive him…

 

Bram looks surprised when he opens his door. Then again, it’s late, and Simon didn’t tell him he was coming. As if he feared Bram would ask him to postpone. Right after inviting him. Yes, it was a stupid train of thought. “Simon?”

“Sorry. Should I have called?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I pretty much asked you to come, I just… I don’t know. We just seem to delay everything lately. Come on in.”

Bram is polite and distant, and Simon gets immediately nervous. When he got a text after emailing Bram, he could feel his heart racing. He felt so much hope. Maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe this won’t be what he hopes this will be. After all, Bram doesn’t want to talk. He wants to _play a game_.

Simon follows Bram in the living room and they both sit in different seats. There are about three feet between them but right now it feels like miles. Simon just wishes he could know what’s in Bram’s mind straight away and be pulled out of his misery.

“I’ve been thinking a lot since we last talked,” Bram says.

“Okay.” Simon can feel his palms get sweaty and he rubs them against his jeans. He sees Bram’s eyes follow his movement.

“We have a lot of issues to work through.”

“I know, and…”

“No, Simon, please. I know it’s unfair, but right now, I just need you to listen.” Simon nods. “I don’t think we can have a big heart to heart conversation that will sort everything that needs sorting. Look, I pinpointed three questions that I need to answer honestly before knowing for sure if getting back together is the best thing for me.” Simon’s heart races a bit. This is it. Joy or pain. A few sentences away. “The first one is ‘Do I still love you?’ We both know the answer to that. As you said in December… that has never been the issue, has it? The second one is ‘Can I forgive you?’. I couldn’t answer that question before your email. I know you, Simon. I understand where you came from. I still hate it, and I’m still mad. But I understand. That’s the first step of forgiveness, right? The third one is ‘will we walk back into this stronger?’ This one is terrifying because we can’t just talk it out. As you said, we can’t promise what the future will be like. This one is a leap of faith. Only time can answer that question. So here is the thing. I either decide that I want to trust you with my heart again and take that leap of faith. Of we take the last week as the final chapter we deserved.”

“Do you know what you want to do?”

“I think so. But I want to be sure before pulling us back in.”

“Okay. That’s fair. How do we do that? Do you want to… take things slow? See where it takes us?”

“No, I don’t want that. I want to stop feeling confused. I want to feel our bond again, to have that certainty that no matter how hard it’s going to be, how much effort it will take, we will mare it because it’s us. I want to feel like you’re mine again.”

“And… you have a game for that?”

“About that… I thought about it and I don’t… It’s something that came to my mind before, but we don’t have to play it…”

Oh. Simon knows that look. It’s Bram trying to repress his kinky, dominant side. He knows that Bram has an issue with that side of him. It makes him uncomfortable, almost ashamed. But Simon never had a problem with it – he even finds it hot – mainly because he trusts Bram. He knows where his limits are and he also knows that he can pull away at any time. He never was afraid of the fantasies at the back of Bram’s mind.

Besides, truthfully, Bram shouldn’t be afraid of things being inappropriate given their current timeline. Simon wants this too. Feel like he is still Bram’s. Have Bram let go completely and just be himself. Surely, if they can do that…

“I want to play,” Simon says.

“Are you sure?”

“Well… why don’t you tell me what the game is about first?”

“Right. Sorry. You know you can say no, right?”

“I know, Bram. I always know.”

“Okay… You know how you have this stupid little game named after you?”

“Do you mean ‘Simon says’?”

“Yep. I want a version of that. I want to play ‘Bram says’.”

“Are we just going to change the first name, or does it have different rules?”

Bram takes a deep breath, as to give himself courage, and explains: “When we play, you’re not allowed to speak unless I make you. I am going to tell you to do things and you will only do them if you are one hundred percent comfortable doing them. I am going to make statements that you will only repeat if you agree with them.”

“Okay. That sounds easy.”

“You’re not allowed to speak.”

Simon represses a smile. In the middle of their biggest mess, Bram manages to create this. He knows things aren’t sorted yet, but right now, Simon isn’t stressed, sad or nervous. He is happy that Bram is trying to reconnect with him, he is relieved that he would do it in a way that is only theirs, and he is also already a bit turned on by this weird role-play-like situation.

“Let’s start easy. You want to play.”

“I want to play,” Simon obediently repeats.

“You’re okay with me making some statements as if we’re getting back together even if we haven’t decided that yet.”

“I’m okay with that.” Bram frowns. Alright. Someone is quite bossy. “I’m okay with you making some statements as if we’re getting back together even if we haven’t decided that yet.”

“Good. Now I’m going to throw statements out there because I want to know where you stand. If you disagree with any of them, even a little, just stay silent. Does that work for you?”

“That works for me.”

“You want us to get back together eventually.”

“I want us to get back together eventually.”

“You want that to be soon.”

“I want that to be soon.”

“You want that to be now.”

“I want that to be now.”

“We are there yet.”

Simon stays silent. He knows they aren’t. Bram seems happy with that (lack of) answer.

“You’re fine with me kissing you.”

Oh, God, what a stupid statement to check. “I’m fine with you kissing me.”

“Come here.” With or without the game, Simon would have obeyed. Of course, he would have.

He stands up and so does Bram. The gap between them is closed in an instant. This feels so good. There are some doubts about the future, but not about what they want right now. There isn’t any other boy overshadowing what they are doing. It’s not really ‘them’ yet, but it’s not ‘not them’ either.

“I love you,” Bram says between kisses.

“You love me,” Simon repeats playfully.

Bram chuckles softly. “You love me.”

“I love you.”

“The last six months were hell.”

Simon hears in Bram’s voice how much he needs to know that Simon missed him and suffered from the break-up too. It’s heart-breaking that he even doubts that. “The last sixth months were hell.”

“You want me to do dirty things to you,” Bram whispers in Simon’s neck, electrifying his entire body.

“Yes, I do.” Bram immediately stops what he was doing, leaving Simon with a feeling of emptiness. “I want you to do dirty things to me,” Simon repeats and Bram’s lips are back on Simon’s skin, warm and heavenly.

Things move to the bedroom. Bram was apparently working or watching something when Simon came in because they have to move the laptop from the bed.

“Take off your clothes and lie down,” Bram says before leaving the room. Simon does as he’s told. Bram comes back less than a minute later with a bottle of water. Bram only plans for hydration when he knows things are going to get steamy. Simon can feel the impatience grow in his stomach.

Bram takes his clothes slowly, looking at Simon the entire time. Simon simply enjoys the view. After Garrett’s party, everything was rushed, desperate and confusing. Now, Simon can let his eyes relish all the details of Bram’s skin and muscles.

Simon thought it many times before. He is thinking it again. That boy is a piece of art.

Bram hovers over Simon and presses his thumb over the mark that’s fading away but still there.

“That guy didn’t matter.”

“That guy didn’t matter.” He truly didn’t.

“Neither did the others.”

“Neither did the others.” Bram frowns, unhappy. Simon knows that he was fishing for the plural. But there were others. Plural.

“You thought about me when that happened.”

“I thought about you when that happened.” Bram looks pleased.

“I want to top,” Bram says. “Do you want that too?”

“I want that too.”

“Great. Then you’re going to get yourself ready. I want you to touch yourself like you did when I wasn’t there, you didn’t have another boy to keep you warm, and you were very horny.”

Simon feels hot, suddenly. He does what Bram asks, feeling somewhat self-conscious about Bram’s gaze on him.

After a few minutes, Bram says: “I want you to stop when you’re ready for more.” Simon stops immediately and Bram laughs softly. Bram takes a condom from his nightstand. He looks at Simon and something passes in his eyes. He tries to bury it straight away but Simon saw it. He remembers that look.

Simon would love to tell Bram that it’s alright, that he is still not afraid. But he isn’t allowed to speak. So, instead, Simon puts his wrists up, against the headboard. No, he doesn’t mind if Bram wants to tie him down.

“Si… is it too far?”

Simon shakes his head. Bram is still far from pushing Simon into uncomfortable places. Bram picks up his belt and uses that to restrain him. He positions himself and silently checks with Simon that he’s ready for the next step. Simon is.

“You won’t ever make that kind of decision for me again,” Bram says.

“I won’t ever make that kind of decision for you again.” The last word gets lost into a moan as Bram enters Simon.

Simon closes his eyes to focus on what he is feeling. “No, don’t. Look at me.” Simon opens his eyes immediately and looks at Bram. He doesn’t want to avoid eye contact like last time. However fucked up this is, it is also their moment to reconnect.

“You won’t shut me out just because you’re scared.”

“I won’t shut you out just because I’m scared.” Bram thrusts again.

“We need to talk more.”

“We need to talk more.” Bram moves again.

“And we will.”

“And we will.” Simon moves with Bram this time. Bram was right. Talking about these things again can only somewhat help. Only time can truly heal the damages done. However… this is fun. Weird, probably, and perhaps not the healthiest option, but Simon can see so much of Bram – from the kinky lover to the insecure boy – in that ‘game’ that it still feels right.

“We are going to be happy.”

“We are going to be so happy.” Simon just bent the rules a little bit but Bram doesn’t seem to mind.

“You won’t rip my heart out again just because you’re scared.” This one hurts to hear. But Simon doesn’t want to hide from what he did. No more running.

“I won’t rip your heart out again just because I’m scared.”

“You’re mine.”

“I’m yours.”

They carry on like this for a while, between statements – most often echoed – and divine trusts. Until Simon realizes that he needs a bit more than what’s happening. “Bram?”

“Love?” The word makes Simon shivers. Please, God, let things keep moving in that direction in the morning, after they will have slept on it.

“Can we stop playing?”

“Sure.”

“Can you untie me?” Simon is still not uncomfortable, but he wants to touch Bram. Bram’s hand flies to the belt and Simon is free in second.

After that, the sex remains hot, deep, hard, and Bram is still very much in charge, but Simon can hold him close and whisper to him the loving and reassuring words of his choosing. It’s still slightly more sex than love-making and Simon is not entirely certain of what Bram’s decision will be after this – of how he is going to answer his third question – but this is good. This is so much more than he could have hoped even earlier today.

When Bram asked him to leave, Simon thought that this was it. Bram wouldn’t forgive that, and he had the right to. But here they are, desperately trying to dig out their buried bond.

 

“Are you staying this time?” Bram asks as they are in each other’s arms, about to fall asleep after a long, emotionally heavy day.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

“Promise? I don’t want to wake up alone again.”

“I told you, Bram. I’m not running away anymore. I’ll be here to face with you whatever the morning brings. We’ll talk about your third question then.”

Bram lands his lips on Simon’s quickly, butterfly soft. “I know what I want now.”

“Me too.” Simon can see that Bram is struggling to keep his eyes open. All this can wait a few hours. Especially if it’s hours he is going to spend in Bram’s arms.

“Your hair still smells the same,” Bram comments with a sleepy voice.

Simon is pretty sure that Bram wants to get back together. But first, they have a few things they need to talk about – not the ones that will take time to heal, but important ones nonetheless. He can only hope that they will be able to sort that soon. After having Bram back, even like this, Simon knows he wouldn’t cope with losing him again, not even for a little while.

He falls asleep an odd mix of happy and anxious. It’s fitting, in a way. After all, these are the two feelings that governed his day…

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I will still update regularly for a few chapters (and then I'll take a little break from this project), but I don't think I will be able to keep updating daily either...  
> The biggest of the storm has passed, though, so it's not like I'm leaving you hanging with a massive cliffhanger. See you in a couple of days! :)


	63. The first time they got back together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't think that I would be able to finish this one today.
> 
> Apparently, I wasn't ready to break my streak ;)

**Bram**

 

Bram wakes up and the first thing he feels is happiness. It has been an elusive feeling lately, so he takes a moment to enjoy it. Bram opens his eyes and the feeling disappears. Simon isn’t there.

Bram’s panic level rises a little but he takes a deep breath. He can’t let an empty bed impact his mood so quickly. Trust. That the big thing they have to work on. Bram needs to trust that Simon hasn’t left. He puts some sweatpants and a t-shirt on and leaves the bedroom. The bathroom door is open so he can see it’s empty. So is the kitchen. Bram enters the living room, equally hopeful and nervous.

Simon isn’t there. Neither are his shoes.

Why? What happened? Bram can’t believe that Simon would just… change his mind, like that. He said he wanted to get back together. He said he wanted them to start talking again. He…

Two arms wrap around Bram’s torso. Bram lets out a relieved breath. His hands immediately fly up to hold on to Simon’s forearms.

“Babe, what are you doing up? It’s barely seven.” Has Simon noticed what he just called Bram? Was it on purpose?

“The bed was empty. Where were you?”

“Garden. My mom called like four times and I wanted to call her back before the phone woke you. I guess it wasn’t too successful.” Bram turns around and completely leans against Simon who steadily embraces him. “Hey… Are you alright?”

“I just… really needed you to still be here.”

“I told you I would be there,” Simon whispers back. There is such certainty in his tone that all his fears leave Bram. Of course, he wants to be Simon’s boyfriend again. He messed up, that’s true, but so has Bram before. And he always learned from his mistakes. Simon probably did too.

Yet, he can’t help but ask: “Tell me something that will make me believe that you will never leave.”

Simon moves back slightly so they can make eye-contact and rubs Bram’s cheek with his thumb. “It took everything I had to walk away from you. And it was a fight every single day to not come running back to you. I don’t want to put myself through that again. And if you tell me that you were equally unhappy, there is no way I will put you through that again either. Out of all of this, that’s what I regret the most, Bram. Hurting you. I didn’t… I never want to hurt you. I know I was scared. But I also truly thought that you would end up freer and happier.”

“You broke up with me because you thought you were pulling me down, but you weren’t. Simon… all the things I struggle with… you never make them worse. You make them better. Every single time. You’re not the only one who sucked at communication, we both need to get that back. We were so good at it… But even when I wasn’t talking to you about the big things, they were becoming irrelevant just because I could talk to you about the little things.”

Something lights up in Simon’s moon eyes. Hope, maybe. “Bram, what are you really saying?”

“Simon, do you want to be boyfriends again?”

Simon smiles, but his eyes look emotional. “There is literally nothing I want more in the world. I told you yesterday. I’m yours.”

“I don’t want you to be mine. I want you to be your own person and still choose to be with me.”

“Only if you choose me too…”

Of course, Bram chooses Simon. He is just so drawn to the boy, perfections and flaws. After six months and a potentially perfect boyfriend… Bram’s world is just slightly more colorful with Simon in it.

So Bram kisses his boyfriend – and it feels so perfectly right to be able to label Simon as such again – and takes him to the bedroom again.

 

After two desperate – and still relatively successful – attempts at connecting again in the bedroom, this time feels different. This is purely love-making. Bram moves inside Simon ever so slowly inside Simon. This is almost not about pleasure but about being one again. They only break their kisses to whisper loving words and getting lost in each other’s eyes.

Bram notices that tears start filling Simon’s eyes.

“Hey, Love… what’s wrong?”

“I just missed you so much.” For a second, Bram is afraid that Simon is about to apologize again and he really doesn’t want this moment to be tarnished with negative emotions such as regret or shame. But no. There are tears of joy and Bram can see in his lover’s gaze how much this moment means to him. How much Bram means to him.

It feels so good to be looked at in that manner again. It almost feels like the last few months didn’t exist.

“Say it again,” Bram whispers in Simon’s ear as Simon is kissing Bram everywhere he can reach while still making love to him, deep and slow.

“I love you,” Simon breathes between kisses.

“Not that,” Bram replies.

“I’m yours,” Simon guesses, looking unsure of what Bram wants from him.

“Not that.”

“You’re mine,” Simon says, and Bram can see in Simon’s eyes that he now understood what he.

“Not that.”

“You’re beautiful.” Simon is making this last on purpose. He wants to tell Bram all these little things he hasn’t been able to for months.

“Not that.” Bram isn’t getting impatient. He doesn’t mind the shower of compliments.

They continue their little dance, alternating between kisses, compliments and ‘not that’, until Bram whispers Simon’s name instead, and Simon finally whispers back “Babe.” Bram lets out a sweet noise that apparently does things to Simon. “Will you come for me, Babe?” Simon asks, and when Bram looks at him, his eyes are less loving and more playful.

“Make me,” he replies.

Simon pushes Bram back gently and Bram pulls out, a bit confused but mostly curious. Simon starts kissing Bram everywhere and positions Bram so he can use his magic fingers to work him open. It’s been a while – Bram doesn’t really enjoy doing butt stuff on his own – but Simon is delicate, patient, careful and also very gifted. Soon, Bram is panting, wanting more.

Simon grabs a condom from the box – the last one – and gets himself ready. The sight, the sound… Bram almost can’t wait. This is going to be so good.

Simon puts Bram in a slightly unorthodox position and starts as slow as Bram was moments ago, but the sex soon becomes hot, loud, sweaty, noisy, intense… Bram had almost forgotten how good it could be.

He did ask Simon to make him come.

Simon delivers in the best possible way.

 

Simon is almost sitting up and Bram’s back is against the other boy’s chest, comfortably snuggled up in his arms. Bram could simply enjoy the moment, and he really does want to do just that, but the question leaves his mouth before he even realized he wanted to verbalize it: “How many have there been?”

He feels Simon’s arms contract briefly from the choc and discomfort. He understood what Bram was talking about without needing an extra hint.

“Bram… are you sure you want to talk about that?”

“I won’t ask you for details. There are just a couple of things I need to know so I don’t go crazy overthinking them.”

“Four.”

“Any of them more than once?”

“Yes and no. During Spring Break, this guy and I sort of ‘dated’ if we can call it that. It was three days. And there is this one guy in Chicago that I actually met twice.”

“Were you safe?”

“I was.”

“Every time?”

“Including Oral.”

Bram smiles softly at the reference. “We still need to be smart about that and get tested,” he says.

“I do, you really don’t. I’ll go to the clinic tomorrow.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“You do know it’s not a romantic place, right?”

“I know. I just want to be with you. Both as in be there for you and spend time with you.”

“Such quality time…”

Bram asks the other question that is nagging at the back of his mind. “Who helped you get over it?”

“What?”

“You know the other night… and yesterday… this morning… You used to be so nervous about bottoming. You always needed us to take time to reconnect first. Now, it’s gone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the confidence, and I am so happy for you, but… How did it happen?”

“It’s not like that. It’s… I haven’t bottomed with anyone else, actually. Just you. As you said, I think I can’t be comfortable enough if I don’t trust the person. And the other night… I don’t know, I didn’t even think. You were there and I wanted you. I wanted all of you. I wanted you to take charge and overwhelm me like before. And yesterday… you were just so hot and decisive. I think I would literally have done anything you would have asked me to.”

A heavy weight lifts from Bram’s chest. The fact that Simon couldn’t give himself fully to anyone else and that he was the one who managed to get Simon to this peaceful place where sex is free of anxiety. These other boys ae nothing. They are insignificant. Bram can overlook them.

“I’m sorry,” Simon says.

“Sorry about what, Love?”

“Sleeping with them.”

Bram gently rubs Simon’s arm. “Don’t do that. We weren’t together. You were free to do whatever you want. You had fun with some guys. That’s fine. That’s normal. We move on, now.”

“Yeah, but… you didn’t.”

Bram pauses for a few seconds. He doesn’t know how to sugar coat what he needs to say, so he just says it: “I was falling in love with Andrew.” Simon’s arms stiffen again. Bram knows the sentence must have stung so he immediately continues: “I’m not saying that to hurt you. And you know that even then you were still the one. What I mean is… you shared your body. I shared my heart. I’m not sure which one is worse.”

“Bram…”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t regret what happened with Andrew. I’m just saying… If I had seen you with a boy I knew you had feelings for… I think it would have killed me. If you can disregard that, I can forget about some guys.”

“Bram, I… I threw away the hoodie.”

“What hoodie?”

“You know the hoodie you gave me from soccer camp. I was wearing it when… I threw it away. I’m sorry.” He was _wearing the hoodie_ … Is this story going to get worse every time Simon retells it?

“It’s a piece of clothing, Simon. I’ll give away all my hoodies for you.”

“I’ll give away Oreos for you.” That is clearly the most heartfelt declaration of love one can get from Simon Spier.

Bram has to ask: “Do you still have the t-shirt?”

“I’d rather have my arm cut off than getting rid of that shirt.” Bram shifts a bit to be even closer to Simon. Even if one day Bram and Simon break up and can’t find their way back to each other, Blue and Jacques will be forever indestructible, right?

“By the way… What did your mother want this morning?”

“You’ll never believe it, but she actually told me that I was nearly an adult, so of course I could use my time the way I wanted and she was grateful I left a note. However, she wanted to make sure that I would be mature and that if I was ‘socializing’, I would make sure that you didn’t have to see it.” Bram has to laugh. That both cute and hilarious. “I told you that my parents like you better than me.”

“Have you told her then? About us?”

“No. We hadn’t talked this through. I don’t make decisions for you anymore, remember?” There is some self-mockery in Simon’s tone and Bram is happy that they can already joke about it. He kisses Simon’s arm.

“Hey, Love? What about breakfast?”

“Please tell me that there are some of your mom’s waffles in the freezer.”

“I have no idea. But we can check. And what do you want to do after breakfast?”

“I don’t know… Stay here and ignore the rest of the world?”

“If that’s dirty code, I just need to remind you that we used all the condoms.”

“Great. Then we’ll have to read, talk, watch a movie… Be a couple again out of the bedroom too.”

That sounds perfect. That sounds like heaven.

 

Bram is still going to go buy condoms at some point during the day…

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story could almost end there. That's a good conclusion.
> 
> Unlucky for you, I still have SO MUCH planned...


	64. The first time they got tested

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to filler chapters. Surely, that means that the drama is gone!

**Simon**

 

Waking up in Bram’s arms is the most incredible feeling. It’s like being whole again. Simon almost can’t believe that after the massive way he screwed up, after taking out his own insecurities on Bram and their relationship, after giving up on them when he saw Andrew… after all of that, he managed to get his happy ending back. How much light is there in Bram?

Bram’s alarm gets off and Simon switches it off immediately. Time to get up and get ready for his most mortifying medical appointment ever.

He tries to get up, but Bram’s arms pull him back and hold him tight. “Nope. I’m not waking up to an empty bed today.”

“It sounds like you’re already awake…”

“Five more minutes,” Bram asks. Simon doesn’t fight it. How could he? Bram just asked him to stay in his happy place a bit longer.

 

The waiting room of the sexual health clinic is _not_ Simon’s happy place. He feels like everyone is looking at him and judging him. Which he knows they probably aren’t.

Bram takes his hand. “Simon, relax. Worst case scenario, you have something, you get treatment, and it’s done.”

“What if it’s HIV?”

“Okay, stop spiraling. Were you really safe?”

“Yes!”

“Then this is just us being cautious. Look… do you want me to get tested too?”

“No, don’t be silly. You’re right. I’m being an idiot.” Simon squeezes Bram’s fingers softly. “Thank you for being here. I know it’s a bit weird.”

“It’s a bit awkward,” Bram confirms. “But I want us to be there for each other even in these times. Plus, I intend to spend as much time with you as I can before we have to go back to different states.”

“How about we do something less creepy after? Like, go have lunch somewhere.”

“You mean be a couple outside of the house?” Bram jokes. “That sounds nice.”

“Talking about that… should we tell our friends?”

“I’m guessing you’re not referring to our current activity. Nor lunch.”

“No, that we’re back together.”

Bram considers it for a few minutes and says: “Let’s not.” Simon tries not to read anything in his boyfriend wanting to keep them a secret. He probably has a reason. “If they ask, I don’t want to lie to them, but I don’t want to make an announcement either. Let’s just be us and they’ll figure it out the next time we’ll see them or our family. The word will spread on its own.”

“Can I tell Ted?”

Bram smiles. “Simon… you can tell anyone. Call Leah now if you want. I just don’t want to do anything like a group message to announce it. I don’t know, I just feel like they might make a big deal out of it and I would like to stay in the bubble for a while longer. Just you and me, happy and carefree…”

“At the sex clinic.”

“Yes, well, I don’t intend on doing that every day.”

“I’m just kidding. That sounds nice. I’d like to stay in the bubble too.”

“Great, because I would like to ask you something. My mom is apparently not coming home for another week. Would you like to stay with me in the meantime?”

“At your house”

“Yeah. Just you, me, the bubble. What do you think?”

“That it’s exactly what we need.” Bram smiles, but it’s a poor reflection of Simon’s own happiness. He couldn’t have pictured that even days ago. He and Bram, practically living together, pretty much picking things up where they left them in December… Simon completely understands why Bram doesn’t want to burst the bubble yet. What they have almost seems too good to be true.

Simon also wonders if everything will feel the same when they have to live in the real world again. But he wants to look at this with a positive mindset. Simon won’t be scared anymore. He and Bram were so much better than he gave them credit for. They will get that back to that. They will get even better.

Still… the bubble does sound really nice.

“Simon Spier.” Simon looks at the nurse. Okay… now _that_ , Simon is a bit afraid of.

 

“I only have a name on my file. Are you both getting tested?” the doctor asks as he lets Simon and Bram into the examination room.

“No, he’s just here for moral support.”

“That’s nice of you.  But… Simon… are you sure you are fine having this conversation with another person in the room?” Simon nods. “Perfect, then. I’m going to start by asking you a few questions if that’s alright.” It’s alright, but it’s also quite embarrassing. Simon _knows_ that the doctor will have heard much, much worse stories than his, but it’s still not particularly pleasant to be answering questions such as ‘number of partners’, ‘detail the type of sexual activities you engaged in’, ‘did you use protection every time?’, ‘did you have multiple partners at once?’, ‘do you have any symptoms?’, ‘do you have sores on your genitals or anus?’… It’s especially weird with Bram in the room.

At least, Simon’s answers seem to please the doctor, and there is nothing that Bram doesn’t already know. Or maybe Simon is just imagining things.

In the end, the doctor decides that Simon is not particularly at risk. He takes some blood, a urine sample, gives him a bag full of condoms, and tells him that results will be texted to him within a few days. Simon will only be asked to return to the clinic if they need to discuss results with him.

Simon is pretty confident. He was safe every single time. But he is still nervous for some reason.

 

Simon doesn’t go home with Bram. He needs to go back to his house to get some clothes and toiletry.

He is greeted by a very excited Bieber. Since Simon moved to college, he is always received like a king by his dog. Even when he leaves for ten minutes.

His family is in the living room. “Hey, Simon, you’re back!” His dad says with this voice he takes before a joke. “Two days. That must have been _quite a friend_ you visited.” As if anyone in the room would be more comfortable after an innuendo about Simon’s sex life.

“Yes, it was nice. I’m actually going to stay with my friend for a few days.” Simon can tell that his sister and mother do not look happy about that.

“What friend?” Nora asks. Bram said that they didn’t have to lie, but Nora’s accusatory tone is not the way Simon wants this conversation to start.

“You don’t know him.”

She is about to say something when Jack intervenes: “Nora, leave your brother alone. If you’re allowed to see whoever you want whenever you want during your summer, so is he.” Simon really appreciates that, especially as he knows how much his father loves Bram.

Nora rolls her eyes and leaves the room. Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that she’ll be off to college in the fall. Simon sees her getting on her phone as she leaves and he wonders if she’s about to text Alice or Leah about this.

“Simon, Honey, can I ask you a few questions about your friend?” Emily asks. Simon doesn’t want to shut his mother out. She looks concerned. He hopes he will be able to preserve the bubble, but he also doesn’t want his mother to feel left out just because Simon is happy.

“Sure.” Simon sits on the armchair, ready to be questioned.

“If he’s from Atlanta, is it someone you know from high school?”

“Yes.”

“Is it serious?”

Simon takes a moment to think about it. He knows the answer. He simply feels in awe whenever he thinks about it. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

“Simon, I know you have been unhappy since whatever happened between you and Bram. I would be glad for you to get some happiness back. That’s all I want for all three of you: to be happy.”

“I’m happy, Mom.”

“Because of that boy?”

“Maybe. Partially. It’s a lie, actually. It’s completely that boy.”

Emily and Jack exchange a look and they smile at each other. Simon can tell that they have been talking and worrying about him. Was he really so obviously miserable? It’s crazy. He barely remembers the feeling when it was so overwhelming just days ago.

“There is something, though, Si… Atlanta is a big city, but Creekwood isn’t. Bram is a good kid, and in spite of whatever happened between the two of you, I’m sure you still know that. Gabrielle told us that he was having a hard time with the breakup too. So… please, whatever is happening with your friend, try to keep Bram out of it. I know you wouldn’t rub it in his face, but sometimes, just knowing and seeing can be painful.” Yes, Simon is well aware of that. “Maybe talk to him first.”

“Mom, don’t worry. Bram and I are fine.”

“Good,” Jack says. “The sooner the two of you become friends again, the sooner he can come around again.” Simon is not entirely sure that this is something his dad should be hoping for. If things didn’t work out with Bram, Simon is still not sure they could have been real friends. Not for a long time. It would have been too painful. So inviting him home…

“Don’t worry either, Dad. You’ll get to see Bram again. I know you like him.”

Simon said that with a joking tone, but Jack is very serious when he replies: “Of course I liked the kid. He was great and he made you happy. He’s still great. And I still like him. But he doesn’t make you happy anymore. So I had to remove him from my list of favorite people… But, hey, maybe one day, right?”

“Jack…” Emily warns.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Do whatever with your love life, son. We’ll like the next one as much as we liked Bram.”

‘Yes,’ Simon thinks. ‘Exactly as much.’ Simon really appreciates that he could hear behind his father's words that he really likes Bram, that he would love for the two of them to be back together, but that at the end of the day, his love, support, and loyalty go to Simon.

“When are you coming back?” Emily asks.

“I don’t know. I'll call you.”

 

When walking up the path from the road to Bram’s house, Simon can see that Bram’s bedroom window is open. He walks around the house and has a look inside. Bram is on his bed, reading. Even more than Bram’s perfect body, this is the view Simon’s missed the most. Bram, completely lost inside the pages of a book. It creates this warm feeling in his chest. It’s like he’s low-key falling in love every single time.

“Hey, Sexy,” he says and Bram’s eyes leave the book immediately to look at Simon.

“Hey, Handsome. You know I have a door, right?”

“Yes. I do know that. But I was thinking that maybe you could sneak me in. Like when we were in high school.”

“I only snuck you in when we had a fight,” Bram replies, putting the book away and coming to meet Simon at the window.

“Exactly. Don’t you want to sneak me in your room for something a bit more joyous?” Simon asks handing his bag to Bram. Bram puts the bag aside without breaking eye-contact.

“It is hardly sneaking you in if it’s an empty house.”

“Babe, you’re being unfun.”

Bram gently pulls at Simon’s collar to give him a kiss. “Fine. Let’s sneak you in. I’ll show you how fun I can be.” The tone in Bram’s voice is extremely promising. Simon lets him pull him inside – and he isn’t as graceful as he would have liked or pictured in his head – and Bram removes Simon’s t-shirt almost instantly.

“Have you really missed me that much?” Simon teases.

“You have no idea.”

“It’s only been an hour.”

“Seventy-five minutes, actually.”

Simon could answer something back, but he is completely thrown off when Bram grabs his ass, pulls him closer, and Simon can feel how hard they both are. There are clearly much more important things in the world than speaking…

“I love you,” Simon whispers as he is kissing down Bram’s jaw.

“I love you more,” Bram answers, voice breathy and weak. Simon really wants to finish their usual catchphrase, but the words don’t make it out. Bram takes a small step back, hands still on Simon, looks at Simon with half a smile and concerned eyes. “I’m feeling a bit rejected, here, Love.”

“I don’t know if I can say that and not be a hypocrite.”

“Okay, Simon… I hate to be ruining our thing, but you’re leaving me no choice. You do realize it’s just a sentence, right? It’s another way to say ‘I love you’, that’s just ours. Actually, I’m sure many other people have that same exchange regularly, but you know what I mean. It’s not an actual competition in which we measure each other’s love. I know you love me. I know that you breaking up with me – although I am still a bit mad about that – had nothing to do with you not loving me. Regardless of how much work we still have to do, we can’t not let ourselves feel the love or share it with the other. I don’t care if you broke up with me. I still want you to love me more.”

“You’re just perfect, aren’t you? Of course, I love you more!”

Bram smiles. “I said that already.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not a thing!”

How great is it to live in a world where Simon is allowed to love Bram, to kiss him, to get him naked, to take him to bed…?

 

“Babe? Can you stop please?”

Bram immediately stops what he’s doing and gets his fingers out of Simon. “Sorry. Did I do something wrong?”

“No. That was amazing. It’s just… a bit more and I wouldn’t have been able to think properly anymore, and there is something I want to ask you.”

“In the middle of sex? Can’t it wait?” Bram looks very amused.

“It’s a sex thing.”

“Ah. I’m listening.”

“So, I was picking stuff up for the week today, and… I found that box again…”

“Love, you will have to give me more context.”

Simon reaches for his bag and takes the dental dam box out of one of the pockets. “I saw it, and I just thought… since we’re using protections at the moment anyway… We talked about it ages ago, but we never got to…”

“You do realize that you haven’t finished a single sentence, right?” Bram looks extremely amused at Simon’s embarrassment. He takes the box from Simon and puts it aside before getting a pouch out. “Are they even still good to use?”

“Yeah, I checked the date.”

“Oh… so it wasn’t an impulse grab… you put some thought into this.” Simon still feels a bit embarrassed but Bram’s soft smile is making it fade away.

“We don’t have to try,” Simon says.

“But you want to.”

“I want to.”

“Do you want to give or receive?”

“I really don’t mind.” Simon knows they are both going to try anyway. They haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other for very long since they decided to get back together. Almost as if they had six months of sex to catch up on.

“Then I’m going to keep playing with you,” Bram says and Simon’s stomach twitches in anticipation.

 

At first, Simon doesn’t really feel much, and it even feels a little awkward. Not just the sensation, but also being on all four, butt pushed up to offer Bram the best view. Simon thought that this would feel less awkward if he didn’t have to look at Bram but he might have been wrong on this one. Still, he knows he might just need to get used to the feeling. And, indeed, after a minute or so, it starts feeling good. Even through the dam, he can feel the warmth of Bram’s mouth, and the way his lips and tongue are pressing against Simon’s sensitive skin is incredible. There is also the added excitement of trying something new.

When Simon starts getting really into it, Bram stops. “Sorry Love. It’s just… this one tastes really bad and I just can’t.”

“Maybe not all times should be vanilla,” Simon jokes. He is pretty sure that this means it’s the end of that part of the foreplays until he hears Bram rip open another pouch.

This flavor probably tastes better because Bram just keeps going this time. It’s like every one of Simon’s moans makes Bram’s hands hold on him tighter or his tongue dig deeper.

Simon realizes that however great that feels, he probably won’t come from just this. Not this time anyway. And he wants more. He is so ready for fireworks. “Bram… please just fuck me.”

Bram is apparently quite aroused too because he is immediately reaching for a condom. “God, Simon… I really want to take you hard and fast.” Simon whines just at the idea. Bram understands it as the agreement that it is. Soon, Bram is making Simon gasp which each thrust.

Simon kneels up, and Bram’s arms wrap around him, pressing him hard against his chest. Bram’s forehead comes to rest on the nape of Simon’s neck and Simon can feel his ragged breath on his shoulder blades.

“Oh, fuck, Simon…” Bram cries out as Simon grinds up and down to change their rhythm and make Bram reach deeper. Bram usually only swears when he’s really lost in the moment and it always gives Simon a sense of power. So he keeps moving just like that, reducing his man to erratic sounds.

Simon is confident that he is not the only one seeing fireworks when they come…

 

They are both catching their breaths after their intense orgasm, Bram softly and mindlessly running his fingers up and down Simon’s chest.

“How about,” Simon asks, “we pop quickly in the shower and then I return the favor?”

“Do you mean rimming or fucking me?”

“Both.”

“I really want that. But we should get a snack first. I’m starving.”

“I could eat,” Simon agrees. There is another silence before Simon adds: “Do you think we’re having too much sex?”

“Nah. We’re just enjoying our second honeymoon phase.”

“It really does feel like that.” Simon turns his head to look at Bram and the other boy meets his gaze. “Babe, I’m so happy all the time. I feel like the luckiest man in the world that you would just give me another chance.”

“Same.”

“Maybe we should break-up regularly just to get that feeling again,” Simon offers. Thankfully, Bram laughs at the jokes, otherwise, it would have been all kinds of awkward.

“Sure. Or, crazy idea, we can just work on being this happy all the time and skip the painful part.”

“Deal,” Simon agrees.

“Deal,” Bram repeats before putting his lips on Simon.

The snack might have to wait…

 

 


	65. The first time they got invited to a wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, spoilers in the titles, as usual.

**Bram**

 

Bram hands the freshly cleaned plate out to Simon so he can dry it off. There is a soft smile on Simon’s face that shouldn’t go with housework. “What?”

“I know we’re going to grow fed up of washing dishes together,” Simon replies, “but for now, I really like the domesticity of it.” Now Bram is smiling too. Yes. That’s very nice. Actually, Bram could see them doing that every day forever. Just standing there, next to Simon, doing a mindless, meaningless task like this already feels like happiness.

Simon puts the plate away and Bram grabs his writs with one hand and cups his face with the other, giving him a kiss, putting foam and water everywhere.

“That’s what I get for wiping plates?” Simon asks. “I can’t wait to see what happens when I actually vacuum or clean the windows.” Bram chuckles and goes back to the dirty dishes.

Living with Garrett is going to be fun and seems like a step their friendship needs to take. But Bram also knows that as soon as he gets the chance, he will leave Garrett behind and move in with Simon. Share a place they could call their own, where they will be able to clean the dishes, hang out in front of the TV, talk about the little and the big stuff whenever they feel like it, and make love all night if they feel like it.

If Bram could make one wish right now, it would be that one.

 

The two boys are in Bram’s bed – miraculously still clothed – Bram reading and Simon scrolling through his Instagram. Bram looks up from his book to look at Simon (there has been a lot of staring lately) and realizes that the older boy isn’t looking at his phone anymore but mindlessly looking through the window, apparently miles away.

“What are you thinking about, Love?”

Simon almost jumps when he realizes that there is still a world around him. “Nothing. I was just lost in my thoughts.”

Bram could just accept the answer, but there is something in Simon’s eyes. “Aren’t we supposed to be working on communication?”

Simon groans. “Yeah, but… I know it’s stupid and I don’t want to reopen the subject.”

“Okay, now you really have to tell me.”

“I was… I was thinking about Andrew. I swear, I’m not jealous, I’m not annoyed, I’m not even hurt anymore, not really. I was just thinking about everything you guys have in common, how perfect he is for you, and… I don’t know. I guess a part of me is afraid that you chose me because it’s what you are used to but that it might not have been the best choice for you.”

Bram wondered the same thing when he broke up with Andrew. That idea has, however, not crossed his mind once since Simon came back into his life. “Si… Andrew and I have a lot in common, that’s true. More than you and I. But have you ever considered that I might not want to date another version of me?” Simon is smiling now and that shadow in his eyes is long gone. “I want someone who completes me and holds a piece of me that is otherwise missing.”

“That was beautiful. But that was also completely ridiculous.”

“Why?”

“Who wouldn’t want to date any version of you?” God. This boy is so ridiculously cute it hurts. Bram opens his arms and Simon immediately fills the empty space. They don’t kiss, they don’t undress, they don’t let their hands wander. They simply stay there, entangled, enjoying the certainty that they truly chose each other, that they are perfect for each other, and that they will stay this happy forever.

 

This film is extremely boring. It doesn’t matter. The point was more to cuddle in front of the TV than actually watching it anyway. Simon held thirty minutes before falling asleep against Bram.

Bram is starting to slumber himself. He feels wrapped in the smell of Simon’s hair. He had nearly forgotten it.

Bram’s phone pings _again_. It’s Garrett, being both an amazing and an annoying best friend.

 

_Bram. I’m heading to the park with Nick to kick some balls._

_Are you joining?_

_Not today._

_I have other plans._

_Like what? Feeling sorry for yourself?_

_It’s been a week since I saw you._

_Is it because of seeing Spier again?_

_Yes and no._

_Don’t worry about me._

_I’ll call you in a couple of days._

_Come on, B._

_It’s important to stay active!_

_Would you leave me alone if I told you I was busy with a boy?_

_You’re ditching me for a boy?_

_Yes._

_And a sex marathon._

_Okay, now you’re definitely lying._

 

Bram can totally picture Garrett’s face right now. He disregards the phone immediately though because Simon wakes up. Bram knows he’s not being a great friend right now, and it’s not really fair to Garrett who is nothing but the depiction of support and loyalty, but Bram wants to be selfishly happy for a couple more days. Even just one. One more day of nothing but Simon.

“I sort of wished I would wake up to the credits. But no. There is more of that draining movie.”

Bram chuckles. “We can stop watching it.”

“I’m torn between ‘Yes, please’ and ‘I’ll do anything with you’.”

Bram switches off the TV. “Coffee?”

Simon nods but doesn’t get off Bram immediately. He moves in for a kiss first. Which is when Bram hears his front door open. It’s either his mother coming home earlier than she said she would or his best friend deciding that knocking is overrated.

And less than ten seconds later, as the boys are just standing up, Garrett and Nick enter the living room. “Okay, Bram, we’re kidnapping y…” the sentence dies in Garrett’s throat when he sees the two of them together.

Nick throws his hands in the air as a sign of victory. “Did I call it or not? Still dibs on best man!”

“So… there really is a sex marathon,” Garrett comments.

“A what now?” Simon asks.

“Ignore him. I was about to make coffee. Kitten, are you coming with me?”

“Of course, Puppy,” Garrett replies.

Garrett follows Bram into the kitchen and gets mugs out of the cupboard while Bram starts the coffee.

“So… You and Spier.”

“Yep.”

“Is it casual?”

“No.”

“So you’re getting back together.”

“We are.”

“Oh, wow, two words answer.”

“It’s just… you don’t sound too happy about it.”

“I’m just looking out for you. I like Simon, you know I do. And the two of you together were epic. Everyone agrees on that.”

“But?”

“But I was there after he dumped you. There is no nice way to say this: I had to pick you up, man. You were a mess.”

“Garrett…”

“I’m not telling you not to do it, I’m just saying… shouldn’t this wait until after college? When the long-distance cannot get in the way anymore?”

“Garrett, I was a mess because of the pain of not having Simon in my life anymore. I really don’t want to wait two years. What if we do that and he meets someone?”

“So you’re doing this because you’re scared he won’t wait for you?”

“No. I am pretty confident he would, actually. I’m saying that I don’t want to. This week, I’ve been happier than I have been in months. Like… I don’t know. Everything I’ve done since then, even dating Andrew, has been a pursuit of extrinsic happiness, but just sitting on the couch with Simon is the sheer definition of intrinsic happiness.”

“Okay, first of all, stop using fancy words you learned in you show-off Ivy school, second, I’m pretty sure that there is more to intrinsic happiness than sitting on a couch. Like saving a life, having kids, or something. And third… why haven’t you told me before?”

Bram shrugs. “To avoid this, I guess. I didn’t want to have to defend this. It really feels right, Garrett.”

“I’m sure it does. How will it feel in September?”

“It’s long distance. It will suck. But we’re going to make it this time.”

“You sound sure about that.”

“I am. But even if I weren’t, I’d still want to risk it. Because what we have is worth fighting for, you know?”

Garrett nods. “If that’s how you feel, I’m happy for you.”

“So you don’t think I’m being stupid?”

Garrett shrugs. “I don’t know. The two of you were epic. But you also didn’t work out. Hopefully, the second time around, you’ll skip the second part. It’s your right to try again and mess it up again if you feel it’s worth it. And, as your best friend, I promise that I will support you through anything.”

“Thank you.” It’s a real thank you. The kind you say when saying ‘I love you’ would be a bit of a push but you’re so grateful for the person that you’re still not far off.

“But I’m with Nick on this one.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dibs on the best man thing.”

 

There is no awkwardness at all after that. Garrett is nice to Simon and none of it feels fake. They all go to the park and Bram is happy to realize that bubble or not, being with Simon still feels right. Better than right, actually. Being the four of them makes him feel like the past few months didn’t even happen.

Bram doesn’t know if Simon and Nick talked about it, but Nick simply told Bram that, for once, he is super happy to know something before Abby or Leah.

At some point, Garrett and Simon are a bit ahead of Nick and Bram. Although he can’t hear them, Bram is fairly certain they are talking about them being a couple again. Whatever Garrett is saying, it doesn’t seem to bother Simon. Whatever Simon is replying seems to really please Garrett.

Bram loves Garrett for worrying about him. He loves him for supporting him even when he clearly thinks that the whole thing might backfire. He loves him for not taking any of it out on Simon. He loves him for being an outstanding friend. He loves him, but he can’t wait to prove him wrong on this one. He knows Garrett won’t mind being proven wrong on this one.

 

Bram is making dinner. His mother is coming back soon, and she will probably be tired from the journey. Bram isn’t sure if Phil will come home with her or go to his flat, but it’s fine if they have leftovers.

Simon went back to his house hours ago. He already talked to his family about them. From the few texts they exchanged, Jack seems to be thrilled about it, Nora acted as if it was the natural and obvious way for things to develop anyway, but Emily doesn’t seem too pleased. Not that she said anything to Simon, but it’s in her silence that Simon read her reluctance.

It’s fine. Bram gets it. Just like Garrett today. Simon and Bram both had a really hard time after the breakup and Bram understands that anyone who didn’t feel what he felt the past few days couldn’t possibly understand why he is so sure about their future. Although Bram isn’t being stupidly idealistic about it. He knows that things might not play out the way he hopes. They might still not get their happy ending. He made his peace with that. No matter what the future will bring, he wants to have Simon in his life again and he wants to be blissfully happy again.

Even more than Garrett, Bram is desperate to prove Mrs. Spier wrong. Not out of spite, but to stop her from worrying for Simon. He wants to show her that he can make her son happy and that the two of them will be able to calm each other’s insecurities and they won’t be worn out by something as trivial as distance this time.

Actually, maybe Bram doesn’t want to prove others wrong. Maybe he just wants to prove himself right.

 

Bram’s mother comes home alone, looking tired but happy.

“You know that a weekend is only supposed two to three days, right?” He asks her after a hug.

“Don’t be cocky, kid. I rarely take a holiday, so we thought it might be nice to not spend them in Atlanta. And I’m sure you enjoyed a bit of freedom.” Bram avoids the subject. He doesn’t want to tell her how much he enjoyed her not being here the last few days. “The house smells good. Have you been cooking?”

“Yes, I made dinner.”

“I have raised you well, haven’t I?”

 

Bram finished dinner while his mother was unpacking. Their timing was perfect since she finished just as he was ready to serve.

“Bram, baby, I need to talk to you about something,” she says just as Bram blurts out: “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

They both laugh and Bram offers: “You go first.”

“Bram, you and I have always been close, but that has been especially true since it’s been just the two of us. But you’re all grown up now, and although you will always be the most important part of my life, I think it’s time for me to build a life for myself again. And I hope you will want what’s best for me.”

His mother seems nervous. “Mom, are you pregnant?”

“Pregnant? No. Why would I be pregnant?”

“Well… When a man and a woman really love each other…”

“Very funny,” she interrupts him.

“No, but seriously… you are talking as if you are afraid of hurting my feelings because of something new in your life. The last time anyone was this cautious telling me something was when Dad told me about Levi.”

“I am not pregnant. But I am moving on with my life.” Suddenly, Bram gets it. The extended holiday, his mother’s happiness, the talk about moving on… He knows she saw on his face that he understood, but he doesn’t say anything. It’s hers to say. “I’m getting remarried.”

Bram can’t help but smile. Partly because he is happy for her, but mostly for how nervous she looks. He can almost see a shy teenager in her. “I think it’s great, Mom.”

“Really?”

“Of course! Phil is great and I know he makes you happy. Plus, as you said, I’m nearly out of the house, now. You need to put yourself first again. And let’s not forget that Dad got remarried ages ago and I’m fine with it.”

“I know. But somehow, I was afraid that you might not feel the same if it were me.”

“So you have an idea of what it feels like to come out.”

She laughs. “Maybe.” Her smile fades a bit. “Phil and I decided to have an intimate wedding. Close family and friends only.”

“That sounds really nice, Mom.”

“Yes, but… I would like to invite the Spiers. Over the past few years, I became very good friends with them and regardless of the status of your relationship with Simon, I want to preserve that friendship.”

“Mom, it’s fine. Simon and I have always been fine with you guys being friends when we were broken up. And I love the Spiers. Plus, Simon and I can be civil. I am fine with you inviting anyone.”

“Okay, my next question was going to be ‘can I also invite the children’, but you’re clearly fine with that.”

“Sorry?”

“You think my ears don’t work? ‘When we _were_ broken up’? As in ‘not anymore’?”

Damn it. “Hum… yeah.”

“Language.”

“Yes. We got back together when you were away.”

“How serious is it?”

“Simon will be my plus one at your wedding.”

“I haven’t even decided when that will be.”

“I know.”

She gauges him for a minute, then says: “It saves a seat, I guess.”

“That’s it?”

“Did you expect me to tell you how happy for you I am? I can do that if you want to, but it’s not really us.”

“No, I… I don’t know. I thought you would warn me or something.”

“Warn you? Oh, baby, you’re smart enough to know that it might hurt just as much, even more, if things don’t work out between the two of you. But I also trust that you know what you want, and if that’s Simon, I’m glad. He is a lovely boy turning into a lovely man, and even if I really resented him for hurting you, I still think the two of you are right together. I’m sure the next time I see him he will still look at you the way he always did. And, trust me, having someone who looks at you that way is the most precious thing in the world.”

“Is that how Phil looks at you?”

“I think so. There might be just a hint of extra magic in the way you and Simon look at each other. Or used to anyway. I think that is worth trying. Over and over until it works or until the magic dies. Is the magic still there?”

“It is.”

“Then go for it, baby. Be happy with your man.”

Bram is a bit overwhelmed. This conversation didn’t go where he expected. But this is beyond perfect. Bram is happy. His mother is happy. And they proved one more time that they understand each other perfectly.

 

Bram is calling it right now. This upcoming year is going to be perfect.

 

 


	66. The first time Bram could pick his roommate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this one is a bit short, it's probably not my best work, but I have a hard time going back to this story at the moment. At the same time, I don't want to lose my momentum too much...  
> Here it is anyway, it is not entirely a filler chapter either, and hopefully, it will entertain you for a few minutes. If it does, it will have done its job! :)

**Simon**

 

Bram and Garrett are going back to New York two weeks before the beginning of the term to properly move in their new apartment. There is no way that Simon is going to miss two full weeks with Bram, not now that he finally has him back. So Simon changed his plans and is going back to New York with them.

Which means that he is going to miss the moment Nora will leave for college. He asked her if she was fine with it and she simply replied that she didn’t need him watching her walk through airport security, thank you very much. Simon then decided to be selfish and hold on to his happiness a bit longer. He only stopped feeling guilty when Emily told him that part of growing up is finding a new family model, even if only in the form of a group of friends, and that they all accepted that Simon is transitioning from them to Bram. She added that it was a normal step in life. Simon could tell that she was trying not to be emotional and even if he stopped feeling guilty about choosing to be with Bram rather than taking Nora to the airport, he also started feeling like he was losing something. Or rather like he was leaving something behind that he could never really get back.

He knew it wasn’t just about leaving early to be with Bram. It was about growing up, having a life in Chicago that he couldn’t truly share with his family, becoming his own person… but it also had so much to do with Bram. And if growing up might not have been worth it, Bram was definitely worth everything.

He is even worth carrying boxes up these narrow new stairs of his.

Bram and Garrett’s new apartment is on the fifth – and last – floor of an old building. No elevator. But their building has a nice roof terrace, which is probably the closest equivalent to a garden they could get in New York.

After three hours, all the boxes are upstairs, Garrett is returning the van and Bram and Simon are assembling the furniture they already have. They finished Bram’s bookshelves (that was obviously the first item on their list), bedside table even though he doesn’t have a bed yet, just a mattress on the floor at the moment, the kitchen table and are now doing the chairs.

“I can’t believe how long it’s taking Garrett,” Simon mumbles.

“Why?” Bram asks with amused eyes. “Do you miss him that much?”

“No, it’s just… when we finished the second bookshelf, I really wanted to take a… play break, but I thought we should be sensible since he could come back at any time. Now, though, we could even have gone for seconds.”

Bram chuckles. “He just texted me. He’ll be back in ten minutes.”

Simon groans. It’s only been two days, but he feels like he hasn’t been intimate with Bram in ages. “Maybe it’s for the best,” he says, and Bram looks at him like saying that not being together physically is ‘for the best’ is the most offensive thing Simon ever said. “I’m going back to Chicago in ten days. Maybe we should start getting used to the frustration of not being able to touch each other.”

Bram smiles. “Simon… You know I always want you. And I remember the frustration. But phone sex was fun too.” Simon vaguely shrugs and Bram adds: “Of course some of us can spend a few months without jumping in bed with just anyone.”

Simon smiles. It took them a few weeks to get there, but they can talk lightly about their time apart. Joke about it, even. Simon never gave details to Bram about what he did with the other men. It doesn’t matter. He didn’t do anything new, he didn’t do anything better, he didn’t do anything stupid. Bram doesn’t talk much about Andrew either. Simon accepted that a teensy part of Bram’s heart belongs to him now and he is fine with Bram cherishing that. When Simon thinks about it, it stings a little bit, but it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t make him love or trust Bram any less.

Plus… what’s the quote, again? ‘Matters of great concern should be treated lightly, matters of small concern should be treated seriously.’ If they dwell on what happened too much, it will eat their relationship away and they won’t be able to forgive each other.

Simon forgave Bram. That was easy. Bram forgave Simon. There was so much grace in him in that moment that Simon fell for his boyfriend all over again.

“I would take phone-sex with you over real sex with anyone every single time,” Simon replies. He entirely means it.

Bram smiles, putting the finished chair away and pulling another disassembled one. “What if we were on the phone right now? What would you tell me?”

Simon starts playing immediately. “It’s been a while, so I would probably start with some basics and ask you what you were wearing.”

“Then I would lie to you and tell you that I’m naked and fresh out of the shower,” Bram replies.

Simon smiles. He has lied before too about what he was wearing. Phone sex is not about the truth. It’s about fantasy.

“So, I would probably tell you that I want to lick any droplet of water from your skin.”

“I would guide your mouth somewhere interesting,” Bram says.

“I would make it very interesting,” Simon tells him.

He is about to tell Bram exactly how he would make it interesting when Bram asks: “How do you feel about more showing and less telling?”

He has this mischievous look that Simon loves so much.

In less than a second, Simon is straddling Bram, kissing him like he won’t get another chance, half-built chairs abandoned on the floor.

Of fucking course, that’s when Garrett decides to walk in. They try to stand up before he gets there, but Garrett appears while what they were doing is still very obvious.

“Hum… Get a room? Actually, this is a two-bedroom apartment. You already have a room. We should have a rule. No sex out of our bedrooms. And I mean our own bedrooms. _Do not_ have sex in my bed.”

“Yeah, calm down,” Bram replies. “We didn’t do anything.”

“Sure. You would never dare. Although I remember Nora messaging me…”

“We’re never talking about that again,” Simon interrupts him. “We will never have sex in your bedroom if you never mention my sister walking in on me ever again.”

Garrett smiles, victorious. “Deal,” he concedes. “But, actually, I don’t even care if you just had the craziest sex in here, because I met the cutest girl out there. I even got her number.”

Bram looks surprised. “Really?”

“Her name is Lucy, she looks like spring, she smells like flowers, she smiles like shimmering water, and makes the plainest thing sound like poetry.”

“Is she real?” Simon asks. “Because I’m pretty sure you just described a fairy.”

“I’d totally date a fairy,” Garrett replies. “Should I text her or should I wait?”

Bram and Garrett keep talking about Fairy Lucy and Simon just observes. He feels so happy for Bram. He finally got to choose his roommate. It makes so much sense that it would be Garrett. Bram is going to have so much fun. More than that, Simon is relieved because he knows that Garrett is going to be with Bram through every single tough time.

Simon is so grateful for Ted, all the time. And the bond between Bram and Garrett is a million times that. Even with all the added difficulties of renting an apartment and commuting, Bram’s life is going to be better this way. That makes Simon happy.

Plus, perhaps if Simon doesn’t have to worry about Bram, he will stop worrying about them too.

 

Simon is lying on Bram’s mattress, pressed against his boyfriend. “We need to go see a play before I leave,” he says.

“Sure. That sounds great.”

“I’m serious. Every time I visited you in New York, something awful happened. It’s like we’re jinxed. So this time, we need to be deliriously happy and do all the things we said we would. Tomorrow, we are going to play tourist. Or go to Central Park. Or you’ll take me to your favorite bookstore. Let’s be in love in your city. I want to leave knowing that I replaced all our shitty memories by great ones.”

“Not all my memories of you in New York are awful…”

“No, but they’re not great either, right?”

“You’re right. Let’s finish this summer with a bang. Something to keep us goofily smiling until Thanksgiving…”

That sounds perfect. Not that this will be too hard. The sole idea of being back with Bram should keep Simon happy until graduation.

They cuddle for a bit, then Simon stops fighting the urges he had all day. He puts his lips on Bram’s neck. “Do you think Garrett is asleep?”

“I don’t care,” Bram replies, already breathing faster.

“So… What are you wearing?” Simon asks playfully.

‘Currently? Far too many pieces of clothing,” Bram replies. Simon giggles before taking Bram’s t-shirt off. “Tell me again what you are going to do to me,” he adds, kissing Simon back.

“I am going to make you come until you can’t take it,” Simon answers. “First, I will make you come with my mouth. Then, I will make you come with my dick. Finally, I will make you come with my ass. If you still have energy after all that, I’ll just repeat the cycle.”

Bram softly whines under Simon’s lips and Simon feels all-powerful.

Not only is he allowed to do all these things to Bram Greenfeld, he is also able to. Maybe tonight, it’s Simon’s turn to be all kinky.

“I will fuck you until you have to bite your screams into your pillow,” Simon adds, finishing to fully undress Bram.

Bram whines again and pulls Simon even closer. “Yes, please. I want you to do just that.”

 

At least, tomorrow at breakfast, they should know how much privacy they can actually get in this new apartment… Hopefully for Garrett, more than they need. Because there is no way that Simon is going to spend the next ten days with his hands off Bram…

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... I have been doubting about a lot of things lately and that has impacted my writing. Especially this story. First, I want to say that even if it crossed my mind, I am really not going to stop it, I have a lot of ideas for what comes next, some really important chapters in their future are already written, and I have a very clear vision of what pretty much all of their life is going to be, and I want to carry this project through, all the way to the last chapter. It's already written, so I am going to use it! :)
> 
> However.
> 
> As I was reading the book for a What-if, I realized how far from the original characters I have wandered. It's fine. I know it's fine. If I sent them to space or turned Bram into sand, surely this series is not the least respectful of the original stories. Plus, it's been over three years for them so they can evolve.  
> Still.  
> This story is easily going to be 150 chapters. It's already chapter 66 and we are far from halfway there. I think I might want more for this story. I think I might want to make it fully mine. I know now how much work and energy go into even the smallest filler chapter. If I have to keep giving this story all I have, I might want to change their names, take away everything that links back to the original book, and make it my actual baby.  
> I do know what it would mean. New chapters at the beginning to introduce my boys (who would still be quite similar to these two), new names, starting over. Rewriting most of it. Then again, that could be a chance to make improvements here and there.  
> Most importantly, though, that would mean taking the story somewhere else, and losing some (most) of you. I might reach new people, but I don't owe them anything when, realistically, you made me what I am now. You always give me feedback in the nicest way, you gave me confidence when I had none, you give me the strength and motivation to write the next chapter every time, and I feel awful leaving some of you with a half-finished story.
> 
> I don't know what I am going to do. I just know that this story is currently my biggest project, bigger even than my two original stories, and maybe it shouldn't be this way.
> 
> I don't want to panic anyone (this sounds presumptuous, it's just lack of a better word), things might just stay the way they are, but this idea is nagging me more and more, and I thought I should share that with you as this is your story as much as mine.  
> I might just want to make it slightly more mine at this stage. However selfish and dishonest that may be.


	67. The first time Simon questioned their sex life

**Bram**

 

There is something captivating, almost bewitching, in the way Simon is moving right now. It feels amazing, but it looks even better. He seems completely free, taking everything he needs from Bram, completely letting go, head tilted back, lost in the feelings.

Bram puts his hands on Simon’s hips. He doesn’t change anything to his delightful rhythm. He just wants to feel his movements where they are born. He lets one of his hands slide up Simon’s soft, pale chest. Simon’s hand joins his and Bram’s palm is now pressed against his skin. He can feel Simon’s heart beating fast.

Thank God Garrett isn’t here because Bram couldn’t hold back the noises he makes when he comes, even if he wanted to.

It takes Simon another minute to follow Bram and then he collapses next to his boyfriend, breathing loudly.

 

“Do you think I’m boring?” Simon asks out of nowhere as they are both still cuddling in bed.

“What?”

“I mean in bed. Do you find me boring?”

“Simon… You just rode me like your life depended on it. Where is this coming from?”

“It’s something that girl said yesterday…” Bram immediately knows who Simon is referring to. The previous evening, Bram’s LGBT club had an evening together and the boys decided to go. There was a new girl there, Ava, who just had a lot of opinions about what a good relationship should be. Physically.

“Are you bored in bed?” Bram asks, slightly worried. Simon told him that he hadn’t done anything new with these guys, but that doesn’t mean that nothing happened that excited him more than what Bram does to him.

“No! Babe, you satisfy me more than any fantasy I can have. But… it’s just that girl and her wild sex life, and everyone sharing their stories after that… Your friends have _a lot_ of stories…”

“Simon… apart from Tim and Miller who, sure, have quite the sex life, everyone had one story at most. As for Ava… I’m pretty sure she was making some of it up.”

“But do you wish we were more adventurous in bed?”

“Okay, first of all, I’d really like to put out there, that I really don’t think we are _plain_ in bed. We do a lot. I mean quantity and quality. But… yes, I do want us to be adventurous. Not for the sake of it, though. I want us to try things when we fancy doing them. If we want to try something we should, but not try something because we think other people are doing it. We have sixty more years of this. We might want to pace our discovery.”

“Sixty years?”

“Yes. I plan on having sex with you all the way to the end.”

“And that’s in sixty years?”

Bram rolls so he can be on top of his boyfriend again. He runs his hand along Simon’s arm until they are holding hands and he places their linked fingers above Simon’s head. “I’m not letting you go again. You’re stuck with me, Simon. Sixty years.”

“I’m not even allowed to die?” Simon teases.

“You’re especially not allowed to die. Not first anyway.”

Simon laughs. “Sure.”

Somehow, Bram doesn’t feel like laughing. Something serious overtakes him. A bit like his dark kinky side, although not sexual.

“Promise me.”

“That I won’t die first?”

“That you won’t ever leave me.”

Simon is serious too, now. “Bram… we both know that would be an empty promise.”

“You’re right. Then promise me that in this moment, you have no intention of ever leaving me.”

“Bram Greenfeld, in this very moment, I have no intention of ever leaving you. I have experienced life without you, and it was just… not as beautiful.”

Bram feels warm and happy. When they had been apart, every day he was wondering if any part of Simon was missing him, even a little bit. He knows now that Simon did. But it still feels good to hear it.

“I love you, Simon”, Bram whispers between kisses. “My world is better with you in it too.”

 

Garrett is spending a lot of time out of the apartment. Part of him is probably giving Bram and Simon some form of privacy before Simon has to leave. The rest of him is most likely just enjoying the coffee place dates with Lucy.

Bram still hasn’t met her, but Bram is happy for Garrett. Sure, he had a few girlfriends since they started college, but they were flings more than anything else. Lucy might not turn into anything real, but for the moment, she is making Garrett happy and that’s all Bram wants. For his best friend to find happiness, in every possible form.

 

Even after a few days, Bram can tell that living in an apartment is going to be different from living in a dorm. He can also tell that he and Garrett will have to compromise on a lot of things to make their lifestyles fit together. Not that it will be a problem. They had discussed it before and Garrett is ready to cope with Bram’s serious and organized side whilst Bram knows Garrett can be impulsive and laid back.

It’s going to be great. Bram is intimately convinced that this year is going to be absolutely amazing. Of course, some things will still suck, like being away from Simon, having to divide his precious holiday time between two families and a boyfriend… but he has so much to look forward to.

This year, Bram is going to focus on being happy.

 

Simon is dreamily looking outside, cup of coffee in hand. Bram gets closer and stands just behind Simon. He puts his arms around him and lets his chin rest on his shoulder. “You seem miles away.”

“I’m four days away,” Simon replies softly.

“Don’t do that, Love,” Bram replies putting a quick kiss on Simon’s neck. “We still have four days. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s a luxury. Let’s only be sad on your last day.”

“I’m not sad,” Simon replies. “I was thinking about things I’d like to do this year to make it easier on us.”

“That’s nice. Anything you’d like to share?”

“Not really. It was a bunch of stupid ideas.” Simon pauses for a moment before adding: “But this year you will get a lot of angsty phone calls.”

“What do you mean?”

“I will talk to you this year. Whenever I am nervous, sad, or a bit demoralized, I’ll call you. Not just when it’s about us, although I will definitely tell you as soon as I feel insecure about us, but about everything. I want you to do the same. I want us to be there for each other”

“Every time we call each other, we should share one thing that didn’t go well in our day.”

“And one thing that went great too,” Simon adds. “It’s too easy to forget to be grateful for the good things.”

“You will be bored after five phone calls when I keep telling you that the best part of my day is talking to you.”

Bram hears Simon’s breath as he chuckles softly. He leans back slightly to rest a bit more against Bram. He is warm and Bram thinks that he could stay like this for hours.

“I want to see you for Thanksgiving,” Simon says.

Bram had often wondered if not seeing each other until Christmas had been one of the reasons they didn’t make it last year. Probably. “I want that too. This year, we’ll make time for each other. Real time, not just small talk and online sex. I don’t care where we spend Thanksgiving. I want to spend it with you.”

“I want to be with you at Christmas too,” Simon adds.

“Every holiday,” Bram promises.

“Yeah, but… at Christmas, I want us to spend a bit of time together before going home. Just you and me.”

Bram holds Simon just a little tighter. “That’s a wonderful idea.”

 

Garrett walks into the apartment with the brightest smile on his face. Bram and Simon exchange a knowing look.

“How was your morning?” Bram asks. “Did you by any chance go to that coffee shop again?”

“Hey, drop the cocky attitude, Greenfeld. I did go to the coffee shop, and something amazing happened!”

“Lucy _actually_ turned into a fairy,” Simon guesses.

“No. Something much better. I asked her on a date, tonight, and she said yes.”

It’s very cute how smitten Garrett looks. Bram is starting to get curious and can’t wait to meet that girl that has this effect on his best friend. “Where are you taking her?”

“I was thinking dinner and a walk in the park? We could always go fo a movie if the weather isn’t so good. I know it’s classic, but it’s a safe choice, right?”

“Classic is good,” Bram agrees. “I took Simon to the cinema for our first date. The point of dating is to spend time together. I don’t think the activity matters that much.” The activity absolutely doesn’t matter, but Bram can’t help but smile when he thinks back to his first date with Simon and the way Simon took him to a bookstore and made them play this adorable game. He managed to shoot Bram straight to his nerdy, shy, hungry for love, little heart with that move.

Telling Garrett that wouldn’t help. He doesn’t know Lucy well enough to do that yet. But not everyone can get to know each other that well before their first date. He and Simon just got lucky with their unorthodox timeline.

“Will you bring her here?” Bram asks.

“It’s a first date!”

“Technically a bit more if you count all the times you ‘accidentally’ ran into each other at the coffee place. But I didn’t mean to have sex. Although… why not if you’re both up for it. I mean so we can meet her.”

“Absolutely not. First of all, I am not going to have sex with a girl for the first time with you two roaming free in the apartment. And second, I refuse to let her anywhere near you two.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to ruin everything with your stupid relationship that no one can ever match. Literally, life can put thousands of miles between you two, make you go through terrible things that totally depress you, break you two off because, let’s face it, no one can do long distance, even put the picture-perfect boy for one of you in the mix, and boom. You’re still standing here, stronger than ever, having more sex every day than I had all summer, looking at each other even more dreamily than when you first got together, and having silent conversations that the rest of the world is not invited to… So, no, thank you, I’ll keep my hopefully blossoming relationship as far from the Spierfeld expectations for as long as I can, thank you very much.”

“Spierfeld?” Simon repeats.

“Every epic relationship should get a couple’s name,” Garrett explains.

“No. Never do that again,” Bram warns him.

Garrett sighs, fakely offended.

“It’s a shame,” Simon says. “I really wanted to meet Lucy.”

“And I really want to meet Ted,” Garrett replies, “and that hasn’t happened yet.”

“It’s not the same. I don’t date Ted, and Ted isn’t really around, geographically speaking.”

“Still. I feel excluded from your life and it hurts.” Luckily, Simon knows Garrett well enough to know that he is being dramatic on purpose. “Anyway. I am going to take a shower, get ready for my date, and it will be fantastic.”

Bram chuckles. “Yes! That’s the spirit!”

 

“Do you want to do something tonight?” Bram asks Simon after a very elegant Garrett left for his classic date.

“Sure. Like what?”

Bram shrugs. “No, I was literally asking if you had any idea.”

“Oh. No, not really.”

Bram sighs. “The most exciting city in the world and we spend more time in than out.” He said it with a smile, though. Although there is truth in his words, he really doesn’t mind. He enjoys spending time in with Simon. Talking, cooking, watching something, cuddling, or going for the most obvious activity.

Simon seems to have followed the same train of thought. “Well… we could go to an art show. We could go for a drink. We could go dancing. We could go to the cinema. Or we could stay in, like the boring couple that we are, and we could have our plain, boring, not Ava-approved sex.”

“That’s alright,” Bram says, lips already on Simon’s skin, fingers already finding their way under his shirt. “Our plain, boring sex is totally Bram approved.”

Simon whimpers slightly and he pushes Bram against the wall. “Tonight, I’m doing you,” Simon tells him, gently sucking on Bram’s favorite spot by his clavicle.”

Bram already knows that none of it will be boring.

 

 


	68. The first time they had blind sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is absolutely no story development in this chapter. Just the two of them getting kinky. ;)

**Simon**

 

Two more days. Simon knows that he should be making the most of New York, but he isn’t. He is making the most of Bram. Making memories he will be able to wrap himself in at night.

They spent most of the last twenty-four hours in bed. Not having sex, just… feeling the other one close, softly talking about everything.

Simon is constantly reminded about why he loves Bram so much. Bram is smart, kind, interesting, funny, hot, strong, understanding… of course, he also has flaws. Simon simply has a hard time seeing them through the general awesomeness of Bram.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You. And how lucky I am to have you as my boyfriend.”

“Yeah? Do you feel like putting it in writing? So you can look at it the next time you feel like breaking up with me?”

Simon silences him with a kiss. Bram gently pulls him until Simon is on top of him. Simon lets his lips wander down Bram’s jawline, his neck, his chest… Alright. Maybe if the two of them stay in bed all day, there will be some sex at some point.

Simon takes his time exploring Bram’s chest, kissing every inch of this warm, soft skin covering toned muscles. This boy… even more beautiful than underwear models…

Simon kisses Bram’s crotch through his underwear, making him whine. Then he comes back to kiss his stomach. He can tell from his noises that Bram is half-annoyed, half-aroused by the teasing. Simon, on the other hand, is very much enjoying himself.

“Do you think we’ll have that much sex in sixty years?” Simon asks against Bram’s ear.

“More,” Bram answers. “We won’t have to worry about Garrett then.”

Garrett came back from his date glowing. Things obviously went well and there was a goodnight kiss involved. Simon sort of hoped that it would mean that Garrett would be out even more, but no. Their next date isn’t before a few days.

Right now is a good time for fun, though. It’s late and Garrett is probably already sleeping. They know how to be quiet, but there is always the odd sound that is impossible to keep in.

Bram has shifted them over and is now kissing Simon just under the ear whilst his hands are touching him everywhere.

“Babe?” Bram vaguely hums. “You know last time… when we talk about trying things if we want to and not just because other people are doing them?”

Bram stops what he’s doing and looks at Simon, now very curious. “I do remember saying something along those lines.”

“There is something I want to try.”

Bram seems very interested now. “Really?”

“It’s nothing crazy…”

“Just tell me, Love. I’m sure I want it too.”

“One day, I was talking with Ted about stuff and the conversation drifted to sex with a blind person… Apparently, according to Amara, losing a sense heightens the other ones. I don’t know how true that is, but Ted is apparently quite into being blindfolded, and…”

“I think he never meant for me to know it when he shared that information with you.”

“Ted is pretty sure that I share every single detail of my life with you.”

Bram smiles softly. “Soon. If we’re lucky.” Simon loves the way Bram looks at him right now, and the way he shared all his hopes for them with just four words.

“We’re definitely lucky,” Simon replies.

Bram’s eyes go completely soft before becoming mischievous again. “But back to what matters… Do you want me to blindfold you?”

Simon swallows nervously. “Yes, I think I would like that… If you’re fine with it, of course.”

“I’m fine with it. Actually, that sounds pretty hot…”

Simon is slightly amazed at how quickly Bram finds the perfect blindfold. As if his brain was naturally tuned to kinkiness.

As soon as Simon is in the dark, a new world of sensations unfolds. Sure, Simon enjoys very much looking at Bram when they’re having sex, and whether it is getting lost in his loving eyes, or looking at his sex body move, he just loves to be able to see what’s happening. But right now… this is incredible too. Of course, Bram is especially meticulous with the way he touches Simon, and there is the thrill of the novelty… still, Simon is happy that he asked Bram to try that. He is having the best kind of fun.

Bram’s hands brush Simon’s skin before disappearing, replaced by a warm mouth, then reappear somewhere else.

Simon lets his hands wander on Bram’s body, realizing that he knows his boyfriend’s body off by heart.

Bram gently grabs Simon’s wrists and asks in Simon’s ear: “Can I take this a step further?” Bram’s breath against Simon’s skin after each word makes him shiver.

“Yes.” Simon doesn’t know what Bram meant by that, but he doesn’t care. He would follow him anywhere.

Bram ties Simon’s wrists up. It is slightly frustrating. Not being able to see. Not being able to touch. But it is also extremely exciting. Not just the naughty side, but also the sheer idea to completely abandon yourself to another person. Although… Simon doesn’t want to give himself to just _another person_. It’s Bram. He wants to surrender all he is and all he has to Bram. Right now.

Bram’s mouth is making its way down Simon’s chest, ever so slowly. By the time he reaches his target, Simon feels like he could ignite.

Blinded like this, Simon can only imagine what Bram looks like, taking care of him like that, the way his skin and muscles would look, the slow movements of his head as he is building up Simon’s orgasm.

Simon feels Bram’s hands run down his chest. He tries to bring his hand down to link his fingers to Bram’s, but his wrists are securely tied to the stupid bed that Bram stupidly got delivered the day before. Simon softly bites his own biceps to muffle a frustrated noise that turns into a moan of pleasure as Bram pushes down to take all of Simon in his mouth.

Bram really is amazing at this. All of this. Taking charge, making sure that Simon experiences layers of different sensations every second, the blowjob… This is better than Simon could have hoped for. Of course, it is. Bram always makes reality better than fantasies. Not just in bed.

Simon comes hard, panting, almost hoping he could scream, but keeping all the noises inside, very aware that Garrett isn’t that far.

Bram starts kissing Simon’s chest up. “Is that what you had in mind?” Bram whispers when he reaches his belly button. Simon hums.

“Did you enjoy that?” Bram asks as he reaches Simon’s abdomen.

“It was perfect?”

Bram is now on his chest. “Do you want more?”

Simon softly whines. What a stupid question. Of course, he wants more. He always wants more.

Bram’s touch completely disappears and Simon almost feels cold. He relies on his hearing and the movements on the mattress to try to picture what his boyfriend is doing. He hears Bram take something next to the bed and he hears the familiar sound of the lube bottle. His stomach clenches in anticipation.

Lately, foreplays have been a bit rushed, completely overshadowed by the boys’ need to become one, to connect again in the most intimate way, to make each other forget about long months apart. Right now, though, Bram’s fingers are taking all the time in the world to work inside Simon, play with his softest spot, slowly turning the boy into a right mess.

When Simon struggles to keep sounds in, Bram’s lips appear on his, silencing him and leaving him breathless.

Bram moves Simon’s legs up and his mouth and tongue have now replaced his fingers. With Simon’s sense of touch heightened, this feels better than ever. Bram’s hand lands on Simon’s half-wood and he is surprised to feel that he is even this hard right now.

“Bram,” Simon lets out, a weak demand in his voice.

“What was that?” Bram asks, and it is clear from his tone that he knows very well what Simon wants.

“Please.”

“Please, what, Love?”

Bram is definitely going to make Simon beg. Simon loves the assertiveness his boyfriend gets whenever they are in the bedroom. Shy Bram completely melts away in this strong, confident, sexy man who made – and keeps making – Simon’s sexual journey exciting and safe.

“Bram, please get inside of me.”

“I am inside of you,” Bram teases Simon, putting a finger back in.

“Babe, make love to me,” Simon breathes out. He is about to add ‘please’ when he hears the bottle of lube open again, sending shivers down his entire body. He’s never been this impatient before.

Bram links his fingers to Simon’s and gently enters him. He starts moving, gentle but strong, telling Simon how beautiful he looks. Bram is tender and soft in all the ways he handles and manipulates Simon, changing their position every few minutes, probably to let Simon experience the widest range of sensations more than for himself, always checking that Simon is comfortable and wants to keep going.

Every time, Simon is comfortable, and every time, Simon wants to keep going…

 

When Bram unties Simon’s wrists, he realizes that his arms are a little stiff. Such a small price to pay for such a great experience.

“Did that match your expectations?” Bram asks removing the blindfold.

“Babe, are you kidding me? That was even better. That was perfect.”

Bram smiles, apparently quite pleased with himself. He should be. He just completely rocked Simon’s world.

“Babe?”

“What”

“If I drop out of college… does it mean we can do this every day?”

Bram chuckles. “Absolutely.” In this moment, it seems oh so tempting. “Love, do you want to use the shower first?”

“Let’s save water,” Simon offers. Although his apartment really isn’t that big, Bram’s shower fits the two of them almost comfortably. Simon absolutely doesn’t want more sex – he literally doesn’t have any stamina left – but he wouldn’t mind kissing his boyfriend for a while in the shower, admire his amazing body, do something cheesy like wash his hair or rub his back… Make a few more sweet memories before he has to go back North.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Following what I mentioned a few chapters ago, I really couldn't make up my mind. Facing this tough choice, I decided not to choose (terrible life advice) and to do both. I will continue this series and also work on the non-fanfic-although-we-all-know-where-it's-coming-from version. I will keep both alive until one of them naturally dies off, I guess.
> 
> In that other version, there will be extra chapters (for instance, I can't just start on their first date, or at least I decided not to), I will solve some (not all) of my poor English, add a couple of things, change quite a lot some characters... I do get that some (most) of you will feel like it would be ridiculous and confusing to go read the same story twice but with just enough changes to make it confusing, but if some of you are curious, the first two chapters are online and the story should be updated twice a week until it's all caught up.  
> It would be great to see some of you there, but I understand if that doesn't happen.
> 
> ALSO: just as for my other original story out there, I have made the cover myself with absolutely ZERO graphics skills, so please, do not judge a book by its cover... (or do it in your head...)
> 
> If anyone is curious:  
> [Series on wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/story/213687788-life-is-a-series-of-first-times-that-i-can%27t-wait) or https://www.wattpad.com/story/213687788-life-is-a-series-of-first-times-that-i-can%27t-wait
> 
> [Series on tapas](https://tapas.io/series/Life-is-a-series-of-first-times-that-I-cant-wait-to-share-with-you) or https://tapas.io/series/Life-is-a-series-of-first-times-that-I-cant-wait-to-share-with-you


	69. The first time they met Lucy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so who doesn't know how to seize an opportunity? It's me. I just realized now that this is chapter 69, and it's not even a kinky one...  
> ALSO. I'm a massive idiot and I wrote two Simon chapters in a row. So I needed a quick Bram filler chapter...
> 
> On the bright side, it means that I should update very soon :)

 

**Bram**

 

It’s their last evening together. Tomorrow afternoon, Bram will be taking Simon to the airport. Although he wishes he could postpone that moment forever, he is also curious to see what life will be like when it will be just Garrett and him together. Surely, it will be great.

Simon gets out of the bathroom looking cute and sexy, and it takes Bram a lot of will power to not drag him back to the bedroom for one last nice of intense lovemaking.

They have plans for tonight. They are going out with Garrett, enjoying New York’s nightlife before Simon is far, and school takes up most of Bram’s time. Yes, he is the annoying, boring, studious kind of student. He made his peace with that. Hopefully so did Garrett.

 

Because Garrett is excited about anything, they end up at a gay bar a few blocks from their apartment. The place is great. The décor, the atmosphere, the staff, the music, the drinks… Bram likes everything. He also loves that he got to experience this place for the first time with Simon. Whenever he comes here in the future, he will be able to link it back to Simon.

“You can’t leave, Spier,” Garrett says when he comes back with the second round of drinks.

“Why not?”

“Because this place is fun, so I’ll definitely come back with B at some point, and the bartenders are too sexy… I don’t think I can keep your boyfriend in check.”

Bram won’t lie. The bartenders are really hot. But even in a Simon-less world, Bram doesn’t think he would be the kind of person who would just hit on a stranger. Especially someone who probably gets hit on at work every day. Besides, and Bram hates that the thought made it to his mind, in a Simon-less world, he probably would be taken. Most likely by Andrew.

“Ted is definitely the best roommate, then,” Simon comments making Garrett laugh.

“Probably.”

Bram would obviously disagree, but the mere fact that he considers that there could be a competition says a lot about how highly Bram thinks of Ted.

Simon gently runs his hand down Bram’s back and Bram is happy that even though they shouldn’t need them, there are some places where they can share these slight PDA moments without having to think about it or look around.

“So… Promise me that you can behave. Both of you.”

Bram and Simon exchange an intrigued look. “Why?” Bram asks, wary.

“I might have invited someone to join us.”

“Oh my God, is it Lucy?” Simon immediately asks. “Please say that it’s Lucy…”

“It is Lucy,” Garrett confirms. “But we’re leaving as soon as any of you get weird. Or if you get annoyingly cuter than any couple on the planet including mine.”

“Deal,” Bram says.

“And we just started dating, so you’re not allowed to tell her that I referred to us as a couple.”

Bram and Simon laugh. Garrett and his exuberant optimism and positivity, Garrett and the way he wears his heart on his sleeve… Bram really hopes that Lucy will see the catch that he is and will be worth it. Sure, Garrett picked her, but Bram also painfully remembers the girl he dates for two months last year, and he doesn’t really care for a repeat of that…

 

Lucy arrives twenty minutes later. The first thing that Bram thinks is that she is really pretty. More than that, she also looks kind. He couldn’t even pinpoint why, but she is immediately extremely likable. Bram can’t help but think that Simon might have been onto something. She might actually be a fairy…

Even how proud Garrett looks is adorable.

“Guys, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Bram and Simon.”

She sits down with a wide, warm smile. “Hello. I have heard a lot about you.”

“So did we,” Bram replies and Garrett glares at him like he is warning him. Bram makes a point to ignore him. “So, Lucy, what do you do?”

“I am studying journalism at Columbia.”

“She’s a brainy like you,” Garrett comments and Lucy rolls her eyes at him, although looking more amused than annoyed.

“Third year?” Bram asks, ignoring the knowing look that Garrett and Simon are exchanging.

“No, fourth. I still don’t know if I want to work next year or carry on with a postgraduate course.”

The two of them talk studies while Simon and Garrett go get drinks for the table. They come back with four empty glasses and a pitched filled with something pink and glittery.

“What is that?” Bram asks. “Are the glitters even eatable?”

“No, Babe. They put tiny toxic glitters in the drinks and decided to take their chances with the lawsuits.”

Lucy laughs and Bram thinks that Simon and Garrett shouldn’t be allowed to spend time together. Their sarcasm just pikes after a while.

“It’s very… pink,” Lucy comments.

“Yes. Have you done anything pink today?” Garrett asks.

“No,” she admits. “But I haven’t done anything yellow either.”

“Then the next round will be yellow.”

“Are we going to do the entire rainbow?” Bram asks.

“Well… it is a gay bar.”

“Right. How foolish of me to not have connected the dots sooner.”

“This is a ‘Unicorn Sneeze’,” Garrett announces proudly as if he made the drink himself. “Of course, it’s the virgin version because they didn’t believe me when I said that I left my ID at home. Which I totally did.”

“Not that it matters, because even if you hadn’t, you’re not twenty-one on it,” Bram reminds him.

The Unicorn Sneeze is surprisingly delicious. Actually, Bram would agree that it _tastes pink_ even if he would be incapable to explain it with words.

 

Bram is happy. The conversation is natural, fluid, and Lucy just… fits. Of course, there is a bit of awkwardness. She is the outsider in a group of people who all know each other really well, Garrett is trying really hard to make sure that everyone gets along, Simon is probably comparing Lucy to Leah in his head, Bram is trying to see if she is as great as Garrett thinks… But he can also confidently say that they are all having a good time.

Then the oddest thing happens. Maybe not the oddest, but definitely the last thing Bram could have predicted.

“Hi, Bram.”

Bram looks up and… “Oliver?”

“How are you doing?”

“Fine… Just… enjoying the end of the holidays before we have to get back to school. You?”

“I’m one a date actually. From the guy that was in the dorm next to ours last year.”

“He’s gay?”

“Well… he’s bi. Actually, I think he’s just experimenting. But he’s fun.”

Bram can’t even process that information about the other guy because he is still catching up with the reality of Oliver being gay. He seems to see that on Bram’s face, because he answers his silent question: “You never asked.”

“No… I guess I didn’t. Hum… Oliver, this is Simon.”

“Of course. I’ve seen pictures.”

“And you remember Garrett.”

“I do. I always had a feeling you were gay.”

“Yes, everyone does,” Garrett replies. “But I’m just a sympathizer. I am all for the ladies. Here is my date, Lucy.”

“You take your date to a gay bar?” Oliver asks, confused. It’s not exactly how it happened, it’s not like Garrett asked her there. Of course, Garrett being Garrett, he doesn’t even think about

“Hey, you can order drinks by color here… Plus, I would just like to put it out there, that if I were even a fraction of a percent gay, I would definitely have tried to score Bram at some point.”

“No,” Simon answers. “Just no.”

That’s just Garrett being Garrett and Bram knows that it was a joke. So does Simon, and him responding to Garrett wasn’t at all a sign that he took him seriously. Oliver, though, looks slightly confused that Garrett would be so forward in front of Simon. Bram doesn’t care about that. He never cared about Oliver that much, and it’s not like they are going to become friends just because they are both gay – although Bram _cannot_ believe that he spent _a year_ with the guy and never knew that about him. The two of them really didn’t bond at all… What troubles Bram in Garrett’s stupid statement, however, is the way Lucy reacted. Bram is pretty sure that he is the only one who noticed, but her back is a bit more straight, stiff, even, her smile doesn’t reach her eyes anymore, and even though she is good at hiding it, she seems a bit less comfortable than she was a second ago.

Bram will talk to Garrett in private later. Let him know that, maybe, he should reassure his girlfriend that there is nothing between the two of them, that he just makes these awkward jokes sometimes… anything that would make her more confident about her blossoming relationship.

 

Oliver goes back to his date, the table orders something orange, and they have a nice time. Lucy is back to the way she was before the joke.

They stay quite late, until Lucy whispers something in Garrett’s ear. After that, Garrett tells Bram that he will be spending the night at her apartment, so he and Simon should make the best of the empty apartment. Especially if they plan to tie anyone naked in the living room.

“Wait, what?” Lucy asks.

“Oh, yes. I’ll tell you all about that.”

“Didn’t we agree that you were never going to mention that again?” Simon asks.

Garrett snorts. “As if I could let that slide for more than a day. We’re talking about Bram Greenfeld, who used to blush whenever you looked at him, being walked on by your baby sister. It is one of my ten most treasured memories and I wasn’t even there…”

Bram can tell that Lucy is trying not to laugh.

“And you, Spier, make sure you satisfy him. He needs to last until Thanksgiving.”

 

“Babe?” Simon asks as soon as they enter the apartment. “How would you feel about us not tying anyone in the living room and going to sleep? I’m actually exhausted.”

Bram is tired too. “That sounds great. I just want to hold you, really.”

Simon smiles. “But between breakfast and packing in a rush, I will definitely satisfy you all the way to Thanksgiving,” he promises.

Bram can’t wait… He’ll text Garrett in the morning to ask him to get lost for a few more hours.

 

 


	70. The first time Simon saw the signs

**Simon**

 

It’s been a week and Simon already misses Bram more than ever. Two more years. He decides not to let it mess with his head, though. It doesn’t matter how hard it’s going to get. Bram is more than worth it, what they have can survive it, and Simon won’t let himself doubt them again. He will not think again that he is pulling Bram down. He will have faith that he is as positive to Bram as Bram is to him, and that Bram would be smart enough to walk away from a bad relationship, even if it hurt… Besides, Simon promised when they were playing ‘Bram says’ that he wouldn’t ever make decisions for Bram again. So Simon will deal with his insecurities and stop adding imaginary ones.

Simon is obviously happy that he got back with Bram. Deliriously happy. But it’s almost nothing compared to Ted’s reaction when he told him. Ted accused Simon of having been MIA lately and when Simon told him why, Ted’s jaw fell open, his mouth turned into the largest grin Simon ever saw, and then he pulled Simon into a hug so tight that breathing became a concern. Ted only let go when Simon promised that next time Bram would be in town, they would go on a double-date.

 

Simon is lying in his bed, thinking about Bram. Ted is in his bed too, awake, so Simon is not having any nasty thought, he is just thinking about the boy in general. Some things he said, how it feels to slumber against him, his laugh, the way the two of them were having silent conversations over breakfast while Garrett was talking about his dreams…

“You were right, you know,” Simon tells Ted. “I think that Bram is the love of my life.”

“Can we already know, though? I mean… I know that Amara is the one. I know it in my bones. But can we know for sure? We’re not even twenty-one.”

“Perfect age to be foolish and full of dreams.”

Ted sort of laughs. It sounds a bit faded. Ted has been a bit down since they came back to school. It’s probably because Amara is still in Missouri with her family. Simon understands longing for someone.

“When will Amara come back?”

“Sixteen days.”

“It will fly by,” Simon says and he hears how empty his words are.

“No, it won’t. But I can’t really complain to you, can I?”

“You can always complain to me,” Simon replies. “And every time, I will pretend that my life isn’t harder than yours.”

Ted expertly throws his pillow in Simon’s face. Simon throws the pillows back. After two years worth of practice, they hardly ever knock anything over anymore.

 

After a few days, however, Simon starts to think that, maybe, this isn’t an Amara problem. Ted doesn’t look sad or depressed, he just… doesn’t seem to be fully there. Fully himself. It’s hard to describe because it’s nothing that Simon can actually put his finger on, it’s just… a gut feeling he has. That something is wrong, and that Ted shouldn’t be like that.

He tries to mention it to Ted for the first time on a rainy Tuesday.

“Ted… are you alright?”

“Alright? Yes, I’m fine. Why?”

“I don’t know, you seem a bit… un-bubbly.”

“That’s not a word. What would Bram say? We can’t have him break-up with you because you’re illiterate.”

Even now… the words are one-hundred percent Ted, but the pace of delivery isn’t. “Don’t avoid the subject. You just seem a bit off.”

“I’m tired. It will get better after the weekend.”

Simon doesn’t point out that they barely are out of the weekend. It’s not even like they partied or anything that weekend. They mostly stayed in. But everyone can be tired, and Ted might just be coming down with something. So Simon lets it go.

 

The feeling keeps nagging at the back of his mind, though. He knows it might be nothing. But he isn’t sure if he should settle for a ‘might’.

So he does the only thing that he should do when he is torn by something that feels bigger than him: he calls Bram.

“Hi, Love. Weren’t we supposed to call later today?”

“Yes, sorry. Are you busy?”

“No, it’s fine, I was just wondering. Is everything alright?”

“Not really… something is happening over here, and I don’t know if I’m just being dramatic.”

“Okay. I’m listening.” Bram sounds serious and Simon knows he has his undivided attention.

“It’s Ted…” Simon tells Bram all about Ted being… less happy, less excited, less enthusiastic, less… Ted. “So… should I worry?”

Bram sighs. “Listen, Si… I don’t know if something is up with Ted. He might just be tired. He might be missing his girlfriend. He might just be under the weather. But you are saying that his behavior changed, and I think that’s enough to worry. It’s a big red flag. After what happened with Eddy… I think it’s better to be worried for nothing than ignore the signs.”

“You think it’s that bad?” Simon asks, anxious.

“No. I don’t think it’s that bad. But I also don’t think you should wait and see if it could get that bad.”

“How do I bring it up with Ted?”

“Ask him again. Every day if you have to. Until he gets back to himself or he realizes that something is wrong. Alternatively… when I wasn’t doing so well, Garrett called you…”

Of course. Simon is glad he called Bram and he shared that with him. Angsty calls, as promised. But Bram shouldn’t have been his first call. “You’re right. I’ll reach out to Amara if things don’t go back to normal.”

 

For a couple of days, Simon keeps worrying. Maybe he only sees things that way because he is feeling concerned, but Ted seems… almost zombie-like. He doesn’t seem depressed or anything, there is just… no spontaneity coming from him.

But Ted keeps saying that he is fine. And he might be right. Who better than Ted could make that call? But Simon is not convinced. So he does the smart thing advised by his wise boyfriend and calls Amara.

Simon was sort of hoping that she would dismiss the whole thing, but she doesn’t.

“It happens sometimes when they adjust his meds,” she says.

“So it’s going to settle down when he gets used to it?”

“No, it means that they have to adjust the meds again.”

“Okay. So… I just take him to the doctor’s then?”

“Sort of. The doctor doesn’t know Ted that well. He won’t be able to tell if the impact on his everyday life is a positive or a negative one. He can only tell if Ted or someone close to him shares that information. Now… I trust your judgment on him, but his doctor might not. I’m stuck in Missouri, so this really needs to come from Ted.”

“But he keeps saying that he’s fine.”

“I know.” She sighs. “Okay… next time you’re with him, call me again and put me on speaker.”

“Wouldn’t you rather talk to him privately?”

“I can if it’s easier for you, but even if I were in Chicago, I’d have that conversation with you in the room. As one of his closest friends, I think you should be a part of it. Especially when you’re the one who spotted it…”

“Thank you for trusting me… it really means a lot. Okay… I’ll call you tonight then.”

“I’ll keep my phone close.”

 

When Simon gets back to his dorm that evening, Ted is there, lying in his bed, looking at the ceiling.

“Hey, Ted. What are you doing?”

“Did you know there are fifty-seven tiles on our ceiling?”

“I… did not.” Simon doesn’t know if this is a Ted thing to say or not. Ted would be the kind of person to count the tiles on a ceiling. Ted would definitely count the tiles on the ceiling. But… he wouldn’t announce his discovery like this… it’s just something in his tone. “Hey, can I talk to you?”

“Are you going to ask me if I’m alright again?”

“Not exactly…” Simon takes a deep breath. “Do you remember the first months we spent together?”

“I do. I think I took you to every single pizza place in Chicago.”

“Pretty much, yeah. But you also talked to me about your ADHD. And you said that your biggest fear was that the meds would make you different.”

“But I’m fine.”

“Have they changed your meds recently?”

“Simon, really. I’m fine.”

“Okay. I hear you. But I disagree. So I’d like to bring a third person in the mix.”

“Is it Babe? Because it doesn’t count if it’s Babe. He’s always on your side.”

“It’s not Babe,” Simon replies with a smile. Ted is definitely still there. He’s just less colorful. “But it’s just as good.”

Ted doesn’t protest when Simon calls Amara. It’s almost as if he trusts her more than himself. Amara starts by asking him for a number. Simon has heard her do that before, but he doesn’t quite understand what that means or how it works. He thinks that the lowest the number the better.

Or maybe not, because when he replies two point five, she tells him: “Ted… You know that no matter how hard you try, you can’t be below a three. And that’s alright. No one should be below three.”

“But I’m doing fine.”

“Are you though? I know that you have been frustrated lately because you were hoping that by now you would have grown out of it. But it’s going to be a life-long battle, we’ve always known that. Simon is worried about you. He doesn’t think that the meds are working for you.”

“Simon doesn’t know me that well.”

“Doesn’t he? For the last two years, you have spent more time with him than me. Listen, Ted… before you went on meds the first time, I promised you that I would never let the meds take away who you are. And this might be one of those times. It might not. But it’s worth discussing with your doctor, don't you think?”

“Maybe. If you think I should.”

“I do think you should. And remember, I’m your barometer and you’re my eyes…”

 

Simon takes Ted to his doctor the next day. Although he isn’t family, the doctor is fine with Simon being part of the conversation if that’s what Ted wants.

The doctor discusses a lot of things that, at first, Simon thinks are not related to the problem. But then he sees the way he actually is working through a web of different aspects of Ted’s personality.

Simon thought that the doctor would be more protective of its diagnosis and its methods, but very quickly, he admits that he doesn’t think the current medication is the best fit. He would still like Ted to stay on them for another week because it might just be a case of getting used to them, but he charges Simon to keep an eye on things.

Ted books another appointment and Simon is asked to come as well if he is available. Simon doesn’t even look at his timetable. He’ll make the time. This is important.

 

“Hey, Simon,” Ted calls him out as they are getting back in the L.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for caring.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I care.”

“You’re the one being ridiculous. I know I can be tiring, so some people would probably have seen any change in my behavior as a welcomed one. Some people might simply not have seen it, or just accepted that I knew better the first time I said I was fine. I really felt fine. Even now… I do feel a bit tired, but I wouldn’t have concerned myself if it weren’t for you and Ams.” Simon knows that the only reason he called her that is because she’s not here. “Some people would just not have cared. We’ve seen it with Bram. I love the guy, you know I do. But after what happened with Eddy, he wasn’t able to even connect with his other roommate. So… thanks. For being you, for caring, for being my friend…”

“No problem. Thank you for trusting me.”

“Well… technically I trusted Amara. But you can be my back-up barometer from no on if you want to.”

“I would love to. And you don’t even have to be my eyes.”

“No, but I’ll be your brain. Breaking up with Babe… what were you thinking?”

Simon smiles. Getting full speed Ted will be tiring, but he sort of can’t wait…

 

 


	71. The first time Garrett questioned his sexuality

**Bram**

 

It doesn’t happen often, but… he actually hates that book. Hate is even too strong of a word because that would mean that the book managed to make him feel something. He doesn’t like the characters, he isn’t interested in the story, the plot is inexistent, and the pace is poorly managed. How is it even a classic?

He discards the book. It doesn’t matter. There are countless other books, he can find a new one to include in his essay.

Bram sighs and decides that he needs a break. He joins Garrett in the living room. He is on the couch, but the TV isn’t on. He is just vaguely staring at the wall, mindlessly spinning his phone between his fingers.

“Garrett? Are you okay?”

“Yeah…” he replies with a tone that doesn’t sound like a yes.

“Okay, what’s happening?”

“Nothing, it’s jut… it’s nothing.”

“You seem to be pretty upset over nothing.”

“I’m not upset,” Garrett retorts defensively.

Bram lifts both palms as a calming sign. “It was just a joke. Seriously… what is it?”

Bram can see on his best friend’s face that he changes his mind every ten seconds between talking and staying silent. Bram is starting to feel worried. “You know I won’t judge you, right? We don’t do that to each other…”

“I know… and I’m fine talking to you about my shitty part in all of this, even if that truly makes me a douche this time, but… I can’t tell you that without telling you something personal about someone, and… it’s not my place to tell, you know?”

“I do know, but… Garrett, if it’s weighing on you… you can tell me without it being gossip. And I won’t tell a soul. Not even Simon if that’s what you need.”

“But you’ll still _know_.”

“Garrett… How bad is it?”

“It’s not. Not at all. It’s just… personal.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Fuck,” Garrett lets out, pressing his palms on his eyes, and Bram doesn’t know what to do. He could see that Garrett was a bit preoccupied since yesterday, but he hadn’t noticed that something was properly messing with his head. “Okay… I think I need some of your wisdom, but… please promise that you won’t tell anyone, and that you won’t look at any of us differently.”

“Promise. Wait… ‘any of us’?”

“Yeah, it’s… it’s about Lucy.” This makes Bram even more nervous. What secret does Lucy have that could make Garrett ‘a douche this time’? “Okay, do you remember when Simon was here?”

“I do.”

“And we were in that bar and you told me after that Lucy didn’t appreciate my joke about me dating you if I weren’t one hundred percent straight?”

“I do.”

“I listened to you and I talked to her about it. She dismissed it straight away. She said that she understood that you and I have a very strong bond and that she was also fine with my weird sense of humor.”

“Okay. So far, it doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Exactly. I thought that I found the perfect girl. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s kind, she’s funny, she likes me… And I still think that but… The thing is, I think you were right about her being upset, but not about the reason…”

“What was she upset about, then?”

“That night when you guys came back here and we went to her place… nothing happened. Which was fine. I assumed she wanted to take things slow and there is no part of me that wasn’t cool with that. Well… maybe one part, but I don’t usually listen to _it_.”

“Is that when you become a douche?”

“Since then, we kissed, we cuddled, but… nothing more. When the weeks turned into months, I starting wondering. Is she not into sex, or is she not into sex with me, you know? And how do I brush the subject? I’m fine with whatever, I just want to know.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“No, because… then there were other things that started to click, and I don’t think that’s the problem either. See, I don’t think that she always was a Lucy…”

“Garrett, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“I think she’s transgender.”

“Oh.” Bram feels silly just saying that, but he really doesn’t know how to reply to that. He is almost ashamed to say that, but even as a gay person, he never thought that much about transgender people. Of course, he knows a bit about them and the struggles they might face, he knows their flags, and he met a transgender friend of Tim’s once, but they didn’t discuss that specific point and Bram doesn’t even remember how he came to find out that he was trans. He probably should look a little bit more into the T of LGBT…

But Lucy… Bram is actively trying to keep his brain from looking for signs of it. If she is private about it enough to not even want to tell Garrett, it isn’t Bram’s place to look for clues.

There is also the possibility that Garrett might be wrong, but Bram doesn’t think so. First, because it would be a very odd thing to assume about someone without a very strong suspicion, but also because Garrett has always surprised Bram with his perceptiveness on that type of thing. He knew Bram was gay long before Bram even considered telling him, he got accepted in Bram’s LGBT group by pretty much everyone, and he is just… an ally, really. He wouldn’t just make assumptions like that out of the blue.

“Are you sure?”

“No, I’m not sure. It’s just... Things she says, things she’s not comfortable with, topics she avoids… I can’t be sure until I talk to her. But it’s even worse than the sex thing. If I’m wrong, I could really offend her. If I’m right, I could really offend her. Plus, if I’m right and she hasn’t mentioned it, is it my place to do so?”

“Hey, Garrett, just breathe.”

“I really like her.”

Bram takes a second to process that information. Garrett has only said that once before. And if she had let him, Garrett would have followed Leah to South America in a heartbeat. But he got over his frustrating relationship, forgot the heartbreak, and had other girlfriends. He liked a few for sure. But he hadn’t ‘really liked’ any.

“Just talk to her, Garrett.” Bram finally says. “If she makes you happy, don’t let her slip away just because you’re not sure how to talk to her. Trust me, I know.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“Because I still don’t know how I stand in all of this.”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I can’t support her through this? I can’t understand what she’s going through. What if I enter this relationship and later realize that it bothers me? What if sex is weird? What if I have to face that I am not as good of a person as I’d like?”

“Okay, Garrett, breathe,” Bram tells him. “First of all, Lucy needs you to support her as her boyfriend, but she doesn’t need you to enter her life as a savior. This has nothing to do with you. And, as shitty as it sounds, you won’t be able to know if that bothers you before you experience it. But I know you. I don’t think it will. And the sex… will work itself out. Regardless of anything that did or didn’t happen. If you’re both attracted to each other, the rest is just details, really.”

“Since I connected the dots, it’s been on my mind. Does that make me a bad person?”

“Of course, it doesn’t. You are just looking for answers. I might sound like a broken record, but to get them, you will have to talk to her. How long have you kept that for yourself?”

“Like… a day.”

Bram almost wants to laugh. Garrett, beating himself up because he doesn’t know how to handle a new situation in less than twenty-four hours is so… Garrett.

“Just call her. Talk to her.”

“What if she doesn’t want me after that?”

“Garrett… nothing has changed in her world. She might even be in her apartment, tormented about how she is going to tell you. Just… get both of you out of your misery, will you?”

Garrett nods. Bram decides to go back to his room, leave his best friend alone when he gathers up the courage to call the girl.

“Hey, Bram?”

“Yes?”

“Am I a douche?”

“Of course, you are. But not because of this.”

“And Lucy is the best, isn’t she?”

“She is.” Bram doesn’t know her that well. But every time he saw her, he really liked the kind of person she was, the way she interacted with Garrett, the way she gently challenged him, the way she looked at him, the way she made him smile…

And even if right now it seems like a big thing, he knows that Garrett doesn’t care which body or gender she was born in.

“Bram?”

Bram stops again and looks at Garrett. He doesn’t look upset anymore, just curious.

“Yes?”

“What does that make me?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Am I still straight?”

“Is it important for you to have a label? That doesn’t change who you are.”

 “I know it doesn’t. It’s not about the label. I think it’s just easier to focus on something as trivial.”

“Pick a letter,” Bram offers. “It’s yours.”

“I’ll take the F, then. For Fantastic.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Lucy already got the F for Fairy.”

“True. Then I’ll take the Q.”

“Why?”

“I like how it looks in cursive.”

Fair enough… It’s not like any part of that conversation had made sense anyway.

 

The next day, as Bram is still in class, he gets a text from Garrett asking him to come home late as he is in the apartment with Lucy and he wants to be able to talk to her.

That information stays on Bram’s mind all day while he’s in lessons, again when he is studying in the library, and it’s even there when he grabs dinner with Tim and Mary. He is hoping that Garrett will find the courage and the words to talk to Lucy. That she will see that the great guy that he is. That the two of them will find a way to be as great as they showed they could be…

 

When Bram comes home, the apartment is only lit by the TV screen showing some credits rolling. In front of it, Garrett is asleep on the couch. But more importantly, Lucy is there too, curled up against Garrett, sleeping as well. The two of them are sharing a throw blanket, fingers linked together.

Apparently, the talk went fine.

It makes Bram’s heart feel warm and happy. Good for them.

He shuts the door as silently as he can and he disappears in his bedroom.

 

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Adisa](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123723) by [ShinMeiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko)
  * [Ted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123822) by [ShinMeiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko)
  * [Stacey](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123870) by [ShinMeiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko)




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